Den of Dragons by Sid River

Background This is a spoof of a well known TV show where budding entrepreneurssquirm for money to fund their projects from miserly businessmen andwomen. Its based on children coming into ‘the Den’ (as it shall henceforthbe known) and asking for money for new toys. I wrote this as an extrascene in an end of year review and cast the characters with children whobrought out the various personalities wonderfully. If the actors can doaccents, it makes the whole thing a lot funnier.

Parts Description

Presenter: Ant ‘n’ Dec rolled into one, with a bit of Chris Tarent and a splash of Bru-cie. You get the idea. Dressed all in black for sinister effect.

Ebenezer Scrimp Stingy Scrooge-like school head teacher who will go to any lengths to savea few pennies in the school budget.

Hilda Brassmangler Owner of Super-laundrette ‘Smalls ‘n’ more’, Ms Brassmangler likes tothink that she’s posh and a cut above the rest but underneath the flimflam, she’s another money grabbing miser.

Carlton Nibblet The world’s angriest and most miserable man. Like to shout and thinks allyoung people are long-haired layabouts.

Magenta New age hippie woman who feels that spoiling children rotten is the bestChrysanthemum- policy. However there is a line she will not cross when her own son is in-Sweeney volved.

Marcie Gumboot Six year old spoilt kid who starts off shy but give her an inch, and she’lltake the whole cake!

Todd Sweeney Gun happy boy commando. Would feel more at home in the A-Team movie.A real danger to suburban neighbourhoods. Oh, and Magenta’s son!

Stage hand Doing his best to keep all the talent happy and the programme runningsmoothly. Becomes a victim of miser-bullying and hides behind his clip-board.

Notes

The use of dramatic music can really help this sketch along.

Dragon’s den by Sid River

There are 4 empty chairs with small tables next to them, each with a glass of water and a pile of money on them. A black suited presenter enters the stage to theme music and stage hands hold up applause cards.

Presenter: Good evening ladies and gentlemen and welcome to a very special edition of Den of Dragons, coming to you live from the hallowed halls of the Local School canteen, where the unmistakable whiff of three week old spaghetti hangs delicately in the air . . . and from some of the light fittings! (cymbal crash) Tonight we meet 4 more young entrepreneurs who are desperate, and let’s face it, they’d have to be to come on this show (cymbal crash) Yes, desperate to gain financial investment for their latest toy related projects. Lets have a look at them (4 contestants walk on stage in various stages of worry, biting nails, praying, holding teddy and sucking thumb, drinking huge cup of coffee) Yes, there they are ladies and gentle-men, the poor unfortunate saps who are going to risk everything to enter . . . (pause for dramatic music, contestants run off scared)THE DEN OF DRAGONS!

Audience applause. Presenter walks to side of stage.

Presenter: And of course, this programme would not be complete without our crack team of miserable, stingy, penny-pinching, money-grabbing experts. Please welcome . . . The Dragons!

More applause. Four grim looking characters enter wearing busi-ness suits and sit on chairs. He walks over to Dragon 1 and talks to him.

Presenter: Dragon number one is Mr Ebenezer Scrimp, Head teacher of a local primary school. Tell us Mr Scrimp, what sort of proposed invest-ment is going to convince you to part with your money tonight.

Mr Scrimp: (laughing) Well, let me tell you, I like to run a very tight ship and account for every single penny spent in my school budget. Why only last year I was able to save a fortune by recycling left over semo-lina pudding from the canteen and using it instead of PVA glue in the Year six classrooms!

Presenter: Surely not! What about the terrible smell, and the flies!

“

Mr Scrimp: Yes, well I agree, Year six classrooms have always been unpleas-ant places to work, but the new glue helped to mask the smell of

armpits and feet, AND we managed to save £49.27 in the proc-ess.

Presenter: (sarcastically) Hmmm, well worth it then! (walks over to dragon2) Dragon number 2 is Ms Hilda Brassmangler, owner of ‘Smalls‘n’ more’, a very successful string of ‘super-laundrettes’. Tell meMrs Brassmangler, what exactly is a ‘super-laundrette’?

Hilda: Well, a super laundrette does exactly what it says on the soappowder packet, it’s a laundrette, and it’s SOOPER! (laughs like ahorse-pig) Whilst you sit there sprucing up your smalls in themachines, you can kill the time by having your nails done, surfingthe web or sipping one of our special coffees. My personal fa-vourite is the Skinny-chocca-lotta-mucka-latte! (laugh again)

Presenter: And what kind of investment are you looking for today?

Hilda: Well, of course I’m looking to invest in toys that are educationaland business orientated. None of this plastic, noisy, flashing-light, action, adventure rubbish!

Presenter: (sarcastically) Yes, who needs fun anyway! On to Dragon number3. Mr Carlton Nibblet. Now, as a parent of neo-teenage childrenyourself Mr Nibblet, what will you be looking for?

Mr Nibblet: (looking permanently angry and bad tempered) I’d be looking togive them all a good clip round the ear!

Presenter: (surprised) Sorry, come again?

Mr Nibblet: (banging the arm of the chair) You heard me! A good clip roundthe ear! That’s what they all deserve, the ungrateful, good-for-nothing long-haired layabouts. They swan in from school after

sleeping at the back of the classroom, dump their stinking train-ers on the floor then proceed to raid the fridge and slob out infront of the TV eating ice-cream and grated cheese! Why if Ihad my way I’d . . .

Presenter: YES, well lets just move on to our next Dragon Ms MagentaChrysanthemum-Sweeney! Now, Magenta, I understand that youare a fully qualified child-minder.

Magenta: Yes that’s right, I don’t mind children at all! (laughs like a drain)No, I think it’s lovely that all these delightful kiddies are given achance to express themselves like this. I think its so importantfor their development for them to feel happy and contented andget whatever they ask for!

Presenter: Well, thank you Magenta. That’s a . . . lovely name isn’t it?

Magenta: Yes it is. My parents named me after a printer ink cartridge!

Presenter: Right. . . O . . . K. (turning back to audience) Well I think its timeto meet our first unfortunate but brave entrepreneur. Pleasewelcome 6 year old, Marcie Gumboot.

Stage hands hold up applause cards. Young girl comes on stagelooking extremely nervous. She is holding a filthy Barbie by thehair.

Presenter: Greetings Marcie. Now I understand that you are going to beasking for £12.99 for a new Barbie doll. Is that correct?

Marcie: (looking around at the audience nervously) Yeeess.

Presenter: And what going to be your approach? Your business strategy?

Marcie: (looking even more frightened and confused) Yeeess.

Presenter: No, I mean what are you tactics?

Marcie: (Nods enthusiastically) I like Tic tacs!

Presenter: Right . . . Erm . . . well, OK. I think its high time Marcie, that youentered . . . THE DEN OF DRAGONS! (loud dramatic music,Marcie looks petrified and stands still sucking her thumb. Pre-senter gives her a little push and whispers) Go on, get in there,or your parents won’t get their 200 quid!

Marcie walks in and stands there doing nothing. The Dragons lookat each other impatiently.

Mr Scrimp: Hello? (no response) I said hello. What’s your name?

Marcie: (standing there swinging her hips) Maaarcie.

Mr Scrimp: Hello Marcie. Well this is your chance. Pitch us your idea.

Marcie: (She looks wide-eyed from one dragon to another and then holdsout the dirty Barbie by the hair) I want a new Barbie!

There is a brief silence. All the dragons look at each other andshake their heads in dismay.

Hilda: Is that it? Is that your best sales pitch Marcie?

Mr Nibblet: Huh, She didn’t even say please! Not even once!

Marcie: (hands on hips) Please can I have a new Barbie?

Mr Nibblet: Oh no you don’t! Its no good now, not after I reminded you to say it. Please should be the first word on your lips young lady if you want us to part with our hard earned cash! Look at her, 6 years old and already rude and ungrateful! Well I’m sorry Marcie but you haven’t convinced me, I’m OUT!

Mr Scrimp: I’d just like to ask Marcie, what exactly is wrong with your old Barbie. From where I’m sitting it seems to have hair, and legs and arms, and eyes!

Marcie: One eye! One arm!

Mr Scrimp: Well you’re just not thinking creatively enough Marcie. A one-eyed, one-armed Barbie could be just the thing that young girls are crying out for. (sounding excited) Yes, put a small patch over the eye for example and screw a curtain hook in the shoulder socket and hey presto, “Pirate Barbie!”

Marcie: Don’t wanna pirate! Wanna pop star!

Mr Scrimp: (impatiently) Well I’m sorry Barbie, I mean Marcie, I think you really ought to adopt a more mature attitude to recycling and re-using! And for that reason, I’m out!

Hilda: (shaking head patronisingly) Marcie, Marcie, Marcie! What can Isay? I just don’t think you’ve taken your opportunity seriouslyenough. I mean where are your projection figures? Your compara-tive sales prices? Your flip charts? Your Multimedia presenta-tions? You didn’t even wipe your nose properly before you cameout here!

Marcie: (sniffs and wipes nose on sleeve) How about a My-little –ponythen?

Hilda: Sorry Marcie, I’m out!

Magenta: (All misty eyed) Ahh, I remember my first Barbie, MotorcycleMaintenance Barbie complete with model Suzuki 125 and genuinegrease spots on the overalls. I think its so important for youngchildren to assert themselves with constructive role play andpositive career models, don’t you Marcie?

Marcie: Erm . . . What?

Magenta: Oh Marcie, you are a sweetie. What I’m trying to say is that Ihave decided to finance your project. You may have your Barbie!

Marcie: (suddenly looking interested) Cool! (she steps forward and putsher hands on her hips) Can I have the jeep, cliff top penthouseand full surf and beauty party accessory pack too!

Magenta: Erm . . . I don’t see why not, I think it’s really important for ayoung girl to . . .

Marcie: . . . And the My little pony Hollywood superstar gymkhana playset with fillable horse swimming pool and barbeque features! Andthe . . .

Magenta: Hey! Kid! Don’t push your luck! Now scram!

Marcie pulls a sulky face, throws her Barbie on the floor andblows a loud raspberry before stomping off.

Presenter: (leading applause from the audience) Ah, there she goes ladiesand gentlemen, the adorable Barbie . . . I mean Marcie. Our first

successful project pitch of the evening. Now, moving on, our nextmoney grabbing hopeful to bravely assault the Dragons Den isten year old wannabe commando, Todd Sweeny (applause as a boyin paratrooper gear commando rolls on to the stage and pretendsto fire a machine gun and throw a grenade at the panel and audi-ence. Stage hands hold up ‘oooh’ and ‘aaaah’ cards. He makes loudsound effects)

Presenter: Whoa there young fella-me-lad! (he pats Todd on the back) Now,Todd . . . Sweeney Todd! That’s rather an interesting name youhave there. Was your father a Barbie . . . I mean a barber?

Todd: (looking confused) A barber? No! What are you talking about youcrazy fool?

Presenter: Oh, I just thought, you know, Sweeney Todd, the demon barberof Fleet Street. Thought you might be named after him! (Toddcontinues to look blank. The presenter laughs nervously) Nevermind young Todd, its about time that you entered . . . THE DENOF DRAGONS!

Music plays and Todd fetches a flip chart from the side of thestage and puts it in front of the Dragons.

Hilda: Ahh, this is more like it, a proper sales pitch! Todd, tell us aboutyour project!

Todd flips over the paper on the flip chart to reveal a diagramof a complicated looking sniper rifle. He taps it with a baton.

Todd: (struts around like a military commander) This, ladies and gen-tlemen, is the Russian made MXJ42-3000 assault rifle, the mostsophisticated piece of military hardware found anywhere on theshelves of Toys-R-Us. Its triple drilled 14 inch barrel comes

mounted with state of the art cross-hair telescopic sights, quick-change side loading 3mm plastic pellet magazine, polished ply-wood handle and a comprehensive range of glow-in the-darkarmy stickers.

Mr Nibblet: I don’t believe it! Will you look at that. In my day we just hadpea-shooters and a cap gun! The kids of today are just not satis-fied with the simple things in life!

Hilda: Its certainly a very impressive piece of kit Todd. How much areyou asking for exactly.

Todd: A complete bargain at one hundred and forty nine pounds andninety nine pee!

Mr Nibblet: (aghast!) ONE HUNDRED AND FORTY NINE POUNDS!

Todd: And ninety nine pee!

Hilda: One hundred and fifty quid for a toy water pistol. Are you seri-ous Todd!

Todd: It’s a small price to pay for neighbourhood security and peace ofmind!

Hilda: (laughs condescendingly) I think our neighbourhood will be quitesecure without armed teenagers stalking through the under-growth, thank you very much! I’m sorry Todd, I’m out!

Todd: (pointing his stick aggressively) You won’t be saying that whenyou’re beset with a . . . with a . . . (struggling to think of an ex-ample) plague of sparrows or something!

Mr Scrimp: (folding arms) Todd? I thought this was just a water pistol. Youmean to tell me you actually shoot sparrows with this thing!

Todd: (standing to attention) Only if they enter restricted air space.

Mr Scrimp: (holding his palms up) I’m sorry Todd, but school policy number453278-b ‘No small feathered migrating creature will be un-necessarily shot at, no matter what the provocation!’ preventsme from supporting you in this venture. I’m out! What about youCarlton?

Mr Nibblet: (standing up and shouting) Are you crazy? The boy’s a loony!Probably been playing far too many violent computer games orwatching video-nasties on the cartoon channel. If I had my wayI’d send them all to boot camp! Hard work and cold showers!That’d teach them some discipline! (stamps foot) I’m OUT!

Hilda: Well, that just leaves you then Magenta.

Magenta: Well . . . I do think it’s important for young children to assertthemselves with constructive role play and positive career mod-els . . .

Todd: (grins) Excellent!

Magenta: . . . But I’m a little concerned Todd by the somewhat militaristicnature of this toy and I’m afraid I’m going to have to . . .

Todd: Owww! But Mum, you said if I came on this stupid show then Icould have a new toy!

Magenta: (hissing angrily) Yes, but I didn’t realise you were going to askfor a 10 megaton nuclear weapon, did I! (folding arms)

Mr Nibblet: Hang on a minute, is he your son. (standing up with hands onhips) I protest! This is all highly irregular!

Magenta: (smiling sweetly) I don’t know what you’re talking about, I’venever seen him before in my life!

Todd: Mother! How could you!

Magenta: Be quiet! Anyway, Your father and I didn’t promise anything, wejust said we’ll see!

Todd: (having a small tantrum) We’ll see!!! That’s what all you parentssay when you really mean no and you’re just trying to shut us up!

Magenta: (looking guilty and unsure) No . . . It means ‘we’ll see!

Todd: (pointing angrily and shouting) It’s not fair! You haven’t heardthe last of this! (removal men try to drag him off shouting)Come the revolution, then we’ll see! We’ll see when someonewants £1.25 for The mail on Sunday or 89p for a bar of fruitand nut! WE’LL SEE!!

Todd is carried off by stage hands and the presenter comesback on.

Presenter: (grimacing) Well . . . Erm . . . Thank you Todd Sweeny. Now erm .. . We’d better get on to out next contestant! Please could youwelcome to the Den Of Dragons 9 year old Martin . . .

A stage hand with clip board and ear-piece has crept up be-hind the presenter and coughs to interrupt and whispers in-tensely.

Stage hand: (Cough) Ahem. He’s not here!

Presenter: What? What do you mean?

Stage hand: Martin. He’s erm . . . not here. He’s . . . erm . . . run away.

Presenter: Run away?

Stage hand: Yes. It seems he got scared by the shouting and legged it outof the canteen fire exit.

Presenter: I don’t believe this! Well what about the other one, Tarquinsomething or other. Is he still here?

Stage hand: Oh yes, he’s still here . . .

Presenter: Well get him out here then! Pronto!

Stage hand: . . . but he’s locked himself in the toilets and is too scared tocome out!

Presenter: (exasperated) Well . . . Can’t we do something! Can’t we sendTodd in to break down the door and flush him out?

Stage hand: Not really. It was Todd that chased him in there!

Presenter: Oh fantastic! That’s just really great! They told me down theagency never to work with children and (points at the drag-ons) animals! (turns back to the audience) Well it seems ladiesand gentlemen, that this week’s program is at an end. We’vemet two lovely kids and four even lovelier hideous reptiles.Join us again next week at the same time when it’ll be theturn of the head teacher to enter the Dragon’s Den and askfor extra money towards his retirement fund. Goodbye tillthen.

Other stage hands hold up placards with ‘Applause’ written onthem. All the people on the stage freeze with artificial smileswhile the theme music plays and the lights dim. Then they all

relax and frown as the programme ends & lights come back on.

Presenter: Right, that’s it, I’m off. You better call the fire brigade andget that kid out the loo before the viewers write in and com-plain. (presenter storms off leaving the stage hand alone)

Mr Scrimp: Excuse me, but when will we get our fee.

Stage hand: The cheques will be sent in the post at the end of the month.

Hilda: Hang on a minute, I asked for cash. That was the deal, half anhour’s work for 500 quid cash in hand.

Mr Nibblet:500 QUID! That’s not fair! They only offered me £300 plus expenses. Why is she getting £500?

Magenta:Expenses? You got expenses? They didn’t even offer me the price of a bus ticket!

Mr Nibblet:I came down in a limo, can I claim the petrol. I’m not coming again unless I get petrol money.

Hilda: What about my 500 quid?

Mr Scrimp: Can I claim for the two sausage rolls I ate in the car park?

Magenta: I never even got sausage rolls!

Stage hand: (Holds up hands and tries to quieten them down) Listen! OKlisten! Lets all just go through to the office and we can fill inall the forms so you can get your money!

They all start to leave the stage grumbling and moaning. Theystop and look suddenly as Marcie comes back on to pick up her

old Barbie. She looks at the battered doll, sighs sadly andwalks back off stage. The dragons all shake their heads.

Mr Nibblet: Honestly, kids today. They’re just so ungrateful!

End