Defusing Conflict Through Conversation Presented by: Jill Weisensel, M.S. Verbal Defense and...
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Defusing Conflict Through Conversation
Jill Weisensel, M.S.Verbal Defense and Influence Consultant
"The single biggest problem with communication is the illusion
that it has taken place."
-George Bernard Shaw
What IS Verbal Defense and Influence?
Establishing A Social Contract
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The Art of Representation
“RE-spect Vs. Respect”
Who do you represent?
What hats do you wear and what “roles” do you play?
How do you leave work at work and home at home?
That must have been a miscommunication…
The burden of communication is ON YOU!
At best, mitigated speech keeps us “artificially comfortable.” At worst it can kill us.
1. Command: “Exit here and go to McDonalds.”
The most direct way of communicating a point. It’s zero mitigation.
2. Team Obligation Statement: “We should go to McDonalds.”
The use of the word “we” is less direct and is “softer” communication.
3. Suggestion: “I think we should go to McDonalds.”
Implicit in this statement is “we’re in this together” and I think this is a good idea.
As noted by Malcolm Gladwell in his book: Outliers.
4. Query: “Where would you like to eat?”
A “softer suggestion,” because the speaker is conceding that he or she is not in charge.
5. Preference: “I’d like to go to McDonalds.”
A personal preference, but more direct.
6. Hint: “Are you hungry?”
A “hint” is the most mitigated a statement can be.
Street Truth #1
People never say what they mean … especially when they’re upset.
What’s normal is talking normally, but…
RESPOND to the meaning,Don’t REACT to the words.
Street Truth #2
2 people = 6 people…
Who’s perspective matters the MOST?
From The Receiver’sPoint Of View
Content = 7-10%
Voice = 33-40%
O.N.V. = 50-60%
(Other Non-Verbals or “Paraverbals”)
93% = Delivery Style
Street Truth #3:
So non-verbal behavior really matters?
• 50 - 60%
• Body Language
• Proxemics: Spatial Relations and Barriers
If there’s a contradiction between what someone is saying and their non-verbal
which should you believe?
It’s Not What You Say,It’s HOW You Say It!
“I never said He stole the money.”
“People Hear what they See, and Remember how they felt.”
“But what’s in a word? Really?”
360 Degree Proxemic Management
The Universal Greeting
1. Appropriate greeting with their name, if known
2. Identify yourself/affiliation, if unknown to the person
3. Explain the reason for the contact
4. Ask a relevant, if needed
5. Ask for their name/identification, if needed/unknown to you
Think of time when this strategy could have come in handy.
In pairs, practice the Universal Greeting according to your position.
The Persuasion Sequence
2. Tell them why you are asking (set the context)
3. Give options
4. Confirm their decision
How To Handle Verbal Resistance and “Awkward Communication”
• “I appreciate that, but . . .”• “I understand that; however. . .”• “I hear that, and. . .”• “I got that; however. . .”• “I’m sorry you feel that way, and . . .”• “Unfortunately, someone gave you some bad information.”• “That statement surprises me. Could you please clarify what you
Note: Combination phrases work best
Anatomy of a Verbal Assault
• Why do people verbally assault you?• Professional and Personal Face• Who should have access to your Personal Face?• Ego is the “on ramp” to Personal Face• What types of verbal attacks do people generally use to
verbally assault you?• How can you render the verbal assault impotent?
A concept created by Doug Haig, Verbal Judo National Trainer
Types of Verbal Assaults
• Authority• Profanity• Personal Threats• Family Safety• Other Staff Members• Physical Features• Age• Sex / Sexuality• Skill / Competence• Education• Economic Status• Religion• ETC.
“The team needs you and expects more from you.”
“This is “X-school.” That is not what we are about.”
“I hope no one talks about you like that.”
“You may not have offended me, but your words/actions/behaviors, may have offended someone else.”
“Could you clarify what you just said, I’m not sure I understood that correctly?”
“I know you are better than that.”
“You know that’s not OK.”
“Wow, do you really feel that way about “x” person/group/behavior?”
“I didn’t expect that from you.”
“We’re friends right?”
“We’ve always been able to work things out in the past.”
“I appreciate you doing/saying “x,” but…”
“I know you’re a reasonable person.”
“Would you work with me here?”
“This is good for you, good for me, and good for everybody/the team/”x” school.”
“Could I chat with you for a moment?”
“How can I help/how can we fix this if you keep yelling at me?
“Could you please explain to me what is going on from your perspective/as you see it?”
“Please be careful, I care about you.”
“Right now, this is a small issue; let’s work together so it doesn’t become “x.”
“That didn’t necessarily offend me, but it may have offended someone else.”
“Hey now, take it back, you didn’t really mean that did you?” “Well, why?”
Think of a time when these strategies would have come in handy.
In pairs, practice the Persuasion Sequence or Deflectors according to your position.
WII FM Radio
“The Greed Principle”
“If they have something to gain or lose, you have something to use.”
Here’s One More…
“Be loyal to the absent.”
“The Grass Isn’t Greener on the other side… It’s Greener Where You Water it.”
Thank you for your time!