8/9/2019 Death & Rebirth: An Interview with Matthew Gideon

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D E A T H &R E B I R T HWords by Cole Barrow

Change is never easy. Just ask Matthew Gideon,47, who has had more than his fair share ofcollective highs and lows along the way. From

living a life of upper-middle class comfort and security,down the insidious road to divorce and sudden loss ofhis job, Matthews experience is a testament to the ever-evolving nature of life, and the bleak uncertainties thatremain hidden around every corner.

Tis is the story of one mans journey on the path ofrebuilding in the aftermath of chaos and destruction.Embracing the ephemeral nature of pain and despair,Matthew remains focusedriding the waves of changeas any man should: calm, collected, and balanced.

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It is almost noon in Los Angeles as I walk out of my apartment to a peculiarlyovercast day, but the mood is far from dreary for my uncle Matthew Gideon,47, who greets me at a nearby coffee shop with a boyish grin and conspicuous

enthusiasm. I think Ive just met my future wife! he quips, as he pulls out his phoneand shows me a picture of an attractive blonde woman. Embracing the facets ofinternet dating, Matthew is reeling from his date last night with a woman he meton inder; a dating app suited for the insta nt-gratification tendencies of our currentgeneration, and, as it seems, middle-aged bachelors. At 47, I never pictured my uncleresorting to internet dating, but Matthews life, as we shall see, has been far frompredictable.

Matthew Gideon was born in the small town of Greenview, Illinois. He was theyounger of two siblings, and had a very normal upbringing. Tat is, until the deathof his older brother and father, which forced Matthew to grow up very quickly andimbued him with a sense of resiliency that he still carries to this day. He went on toattend Illinois State University to major in criminal justice around the same time thatI was born. My earliest memories of him were when he would visit me and my motheron his breaks from school, accompanied by a statuesque Black Labrador named Rexthat would stampede around my grandmothers house like a seasoned race horse.Given that I was around 3 years old at the time, Im sure Rexs intimidating characterwas a bit exaggerated in my mind.

By the time I entered school, Matthew had already graduated from college and movedto Chicago to work as a law enforcement officer for the state police academy. After histenure in Chicago, job offers pulled him city to city; he found himself spending timein Seattle in his mid-to-late 20s, before finally settling in Los Angeles in his mid-30s.By now, he was seen as the cool uncle that never quite seemed to grow up, yetonthe contrarywould impart important life lessons within me when he came to visitus on the holidays; simple, yet pervious crumbs of wisdom, such as: the smartestpeople are those who ask questions, which remains the most important piece ofadvice I have been given to this day. When it came time to graduate high school, he

proved worthy of my self-ascribed label of cool uncle when he became my ticket outof rural Illinois and gave me a cha nce to get myself established in Los Angeles.

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I eventually met up with my uncle andmoved in with him in May of 2006. Mynew residence was an upscale oceanfrontapartment in Santa Monica where he wasliving a very comfortable life and had a great

job working for the U.S. government. Bythis time, he had been through a few failedengagements, but he seemed to be enjoyingthe single life and the unadulterated freedomthat came along with it. Finally, in 2007, hebegan dating a woman named racy whomhe would go on to marry. After the luxurious

wedding accompanied by an egregious

best man speech by yours truly, he enjoyedthe consistency and normality that camealong with married life for the first time inhis lifeor so he thought. He and his wifeencountered many irreconcilable problems;one of many being the sudden loss of his

job. In 2013, after 6 short years of mar riage,Matthew finalized his divorce.

Fast forward to 2015. Matthew is bouncingback from his divorce, and he is displayingthe same sense of resiliency that has stuck byhis side all of these years. He is struggling,yet optimistic; weathered, yet happy andhealthier than I have ever seen him before. Isat down with Matthew to ask the questionthat I have long pondered myself: Is marriagereally that complicated?

Yes and no, he says, responding to my vagueinquiry. Respecting each others time, space,feelings, wishes, hopes, dreams, aspirationsthose things, they a ll come into consideration.

Without mutual respect, youre going to havea break down, and marriage is doomed tofail. [Once that happens] Its a hard hole toget out of. I find myself agreeing with his

words, as I reflect on my past and current

relationship and the role that respect playsin a partnership. A partnership is exactlyhow Matthew models a functional marriageout to be. A lot of women like to refer tomarriage as a partnership; well, when I hearthe word partnership, I think of business.He continues, I dont think people takemarriage seriously, and I dont believe thatthey consider it an institution where theyview it more as a business arrangement or afinancial arrangement.

A business arrangement? I have never

thought of marriage like this. It seems veryformal, and elicits thoughts of financialsuccess superseding real, unconditionallove. Tis is clearly not what Matthew isalluding to though, and this man has beenthrough the ropes; so Id better listen. Ashe continues on, Imgetting a glimpseof what marriage isactually like versuswhat our expectationsare before going intosuch a partnership,and Im enlightenedto a differentperspective that I havenever once consideredas a potential culpritfor conjugal discordbetween even themost sincere of people. Hes definitely onto something; perhaps this is why we seeso many marriages come to fail. In theU.S., it is estimated that around 40% of allmarriages end in divorce (Kreider, 2001).Matthew offers his thoughts as to why hebelieves that is.

I think before people get married, they failto look at the variables that actually make amarriage strong. Lifestyle, hobbies, financesare a big issue. If these problems can be dis cussedand agreed upon before going into marriage, Ithink the result would be that the success rateof marriage would be somewhat higher. Headds, I believe one of the key components toa great, sustainable marriage is friendship. Tis

will be the overriding factor which determineswhether a marriage succeeds or fails. His toneand demeanor hint at the fact that this was oneof the many things that were missing from hisfailed marriage. He seems to drill this pointthrough with an unequivocal certainty that thisis a non-negotiable prerequisite for overcomingobstacles together in a marriage.

RESPECTING EACHOTHERS TIME, SPACE,

FEELINGS, WISHES,

HOPES, DREAMS,

ASPIRATIONS

THOSE THINGS, THEY

ALL COME INTO

CONSIDERATION.

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Aside from the importance of friendship in a healthy marriage, I took to inquiringabout how his divorce may have affected the relationship between him and his now-ex-wifes mutual friends. Another two-pronged question. In one way, our neighborsoursupposedfriendschose sides. She [racy] decided to remain in the residence and theyhad to deal with her on a daily-to-weekly basis, so they felt obligated to side with her, Iguess. Tey [our friends] have not made a proactive attempt to check up on me and seehow Im doing; so were they reallyfriends, or were they just neighbors? At this point,the far-reaching implications of divorce are becoming all too apparent, and I questionhow a man can lose his job, his marriage, and his friendsall in two short yearsand

still retain his sanity. Somehow he does, and he rides the waves of change as any manshould: calm, collected, and balanced.

At this point, our interview concludes and we direct our conversation towards hisfuture job prospects and horse racing: Matthews favorite pastime. I casually suggestthat he find a way to merge the two, but he resists. Right now, it is about survivaland Matthew knows just the amount of mental alchemy required in order to turn hisvicissitudes into something positive to be able to get back on to his feet. As we walkback to my apartment, Matthew prepares to head off to work at a temp job and makesplans for a second date this weekend with the woman hes been raving about. I ask himif he sees this as an opportunity for another shot at love. His response: I gave her a

choice between going to seeAmerican Sniperor watching Seabiscuit; so well have towait and see. n

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