Dealing with Anger and Helping Children Learn to Manage and Resolve Conflict Peacefully Tabitha...

Dealing with Anger and Helping Children Learn to Manage and Resolve Conflict Peacefully

Tabitha Sapien, Counselor

Galena Park Elementary

How do you deal with anger?

• Repress it – Hold the anger in until you can’t take it anymore, then explode.

• Express it – Use words to identify your feeling.

• Release it – Let the anger out in a positive way or negative way.

(Johnston & Weimer, 2004)

Anger Facts

• In many families and cultures, anger was and is considered a destructive emotion that should always be suppressed at all costs.

• We now know anger can be a healthy emotion.• When children act out or express their emotions in

unacceptable ways, such as slamming doors…We can teach children acceptable ways of expressing anger, it is much too difficult to work with anger when repressed.


When Feelings Arrive

• Birth• Six-eight weeks• Three-four months• Eight-nine months• Twelve-18 months• Eighteen months• Two years• Three-four years• Five-six years

• Adolescence

• Pleasure, distress

• Joy

• Anger

• Sadness, fear

• Tenderness, affection

• Shame

• Pride

• Guilt

• Social emotions

• Romantic passion


Appropriate Anger

Releases• Exercise – jump rope, swimming…

• Grate carrots, peel potatoes…

• Do something they enjoy – singing, playing outside, painting, play-doh, sand-tray…

Release the anger in a way that there will be a positive outcome at the end.

Reflective Listening By responding with reflective statements, we let

children know we do care and that we are here if they need to talk. Reflective responses open the doors to

good communication. We are not modeling reflective listening by:

ignoring, denying, or minimizing children’s feelings which close the door to communication. This reaction leaves children with the feeling that they are not being

heard or understood. (Johnston & Weimer, 2004)

Becoming an Effective Listener You may not agree with what they say, but accept

what they say by watching your tone of voice Establishing eye contact Good posture “Which says “I’m listening” Silence Sometimes good listening requires us to respond

(Dinkmeyer & McKay, 1982)

Two forms of communication

• Verbal – spoken words, tone of voice

• Non-verbal – with their actions

Such as: frowns, smile, confused look, shrugging shoulders, pat on the back…


Reflective Listening Reflective listening means we can produce open responses

which reflect the child’s feelings and meanings. It requires sensitivity to a wide variety of feelings plus the ability to express them. It is non judgmental. It encourages the

child to feel heard and to keep talking. Example: Child: “That teacher is unfair! I’ll never do well en that class!”Parent: “You’re feeling angry and disappointed, and you’ve

given up.” (Dinkmeyer & McKay, 1982)

Steps for dealing with anger

1. Take time out in the early stage of anger. 2. Cool down. Concentrate on calming down. Try to look at the

underlying emotion in the conflict.3. End time out. Admit to the other person that you are partly in

error. This does not mean you have lost the control. It encourages for the other person to respond with respect and cooperation.

4. Be a good listener.5. Be considerate.6. Try to negotiate a compromise.


Repressing AngerCola Can Activity:

This demonstration brings to life the affect of

repressing anger until there is explosion in the one who is repressing anger. Everyone

will feel the effect.

Parent educator should have a can of carbonated cola in hand and is shaking the can. Ask parents what causes them to get angry. As the parents list causes, the parent educator is to shake up the can. Tell parents we are repressing the angry feelings we have in each circumstance. When the list is exhausted, the parent educator is to ask for a volunteer to open the cola can. Chances are no one will volunteer. The parent educator is to walk into the middle of the group and pretend to open the cola can, asking parents who will get wet when the can is opened. Of course everyone will get wet to an extent.


Angry Words Angry words can not be taken back and forgotten very easily. Sometimes individuals must go into

therapy or counseling to overcome such negative and damaging remarks. The stain of the angry words is something the child might carry with them for a long time.

Mustard Packet Activity: Have parents open the packet of mustard. While squeezing the

mustard out onto a napkin have them verbalize what they say when they are angry. Then, as they try to take back what they say and begin verbalizing positive things, have the parents put the mustard back into the packet. It’s almost impossible, even if the mustard is back in the packet, there is still a stain on the napkin.


Statistics•Nearly 16 children a day died in 1997 as a result of a firearms homicide, suicide or unintentional shooting.

•Handguns are used in 80 percent of homicides, nearly 70% of suicides and nearly all accidental shootings.

•Between 1986 and 1992, the total number of children killed by firearms rose by 144%.

(www.charactercounts.org/rskstats.htm)

•From 1985 to 1992, the homicide rate for 16-year-olds increased 138%, while the rate among 18-year-olds doubled, and the rate for 24-year-olds and above either remained the same or declined.

Conflict ResolutionThe American Psychological Association believes that the only

way we will slow or even reverse this tide of conflict and violence in our country is to begin by teaching children conflict resolution and mediation skills at a very young age.

Research indicates that conflict styles are shaped early in childhood. It is within the family that children form their attitudes and the foundation for a lifetime of responding to conflict. Whether our children resort to peaceful creative problem solving or violence.


If we are to teach our children to value and respect others, we must look much more

deeply than simple conflict skills.

• Role Modeling

• Dealing with Anger

• Exposure to Violence


Role Modeling• Model responsible behaviors and attitudes on a daily basis• Share openly within the family your values and beliefs• Treat others with respect• Demonstrate respect for varying beliefs, cultures,and differences• Discuss openly as a family acts of injustice, prejudice, and

violence that occur in society• Develop friendships with people of other cultures, races, and

abilities• Practice positive conflict resolution skills


When Parents Fight…

It can be healthy for children to watch mild conflict between parents. Children can recognize that conflict is normal in loving relationships. People who love and respect one another can have difference in opinions. There are productive techniques in handling conflicts.

Make sure the disagreement is worth fighting over Recognize that you can disagree and still love each other Stick to the issue Compromise, negotiate, and collaborate Keep in mind that there should be no losers Draw closure with an expression of love and affection


Teaching Children Conflict Resolution Skills

Avoid becoming involved in children’s conflicts

Encourage children to seek their own solutions to their disagreements

Prohibit any physical or verbal abuse


1. S- Slow Down and identify the problem

2. T- Talk to each other with respect

3. O- Be open to the other person’s point of view

4. P- Plan a solution that is agreeable to both


Dealing With Anger

Do Calm down Try to understand the

source of your anger Be assertive through

negotiation and compromise

Seek help when nothing seems to be working

Don’t Get personal Avoid the issue Get out of control Make accusations Sulk Try to get even


Exposure to Violence

Studies strongly indicate that children who are subjected to physical punishment are very vulnerable to serious emotional problems, low self-esteem, and will generally mimic like behaviors with siblings, peers, and future spouses and children.


Television• Children become less

sensitive to the pain and suffering of others

• They are more fearful of the world around them

• They are more likely to behave in aggressive or harmful ways toward others and gradually accept violence as way to solve problems.

• They imitate the violence they observe on t.v.

Toys• Toys that depict fighting

and violence, such as guns and knives, have been proven to encourage aggressive and violent behaviors in many children.

Television, music, and video games are filled with violence and must be carefully monitored.


Exposing Children To Violence

Family Guidelines for TV Viewing• Limit viewing for all family members. Children should watch no

more than 2 hours per day.• Carefully select what to watch.• Watch some of your children’s favorite programs.• Use television viewing as a springboard for discussion regarding

values, fantasy versus real life…• Discuss TV violence.• Encourage high quality programming and explain your

selections.• Ban programs that you feel are inappropriate.• Find constructive alternatives to watching TV. (Johnston & Weimer, 2004)

“Just as a sailor’s fate

depends on knowing about the iceberg under the water, so a family’s fate depends on understanding the

feelings and needs and patterns that lie beneath everyday

family events.” -Virginia Satir (1916-1988)

Family therapist and author


Bibliography• Dinkmeyer D. &

McKay G. (1982).

• Johnston L. &

Weimer J. (2004).

• Josephson Institute (2004).

The Parent’s Handbook Systematic Training for Effective Parenting. American Guidance Service, Inc: Circle Pines, Minn.

Practical Parenting Education:

Stengthening Families in our Community. Practical Parent Education of Plano, Texas; the Plano Independent School District; and the Plano Community

Youth Violence Statisticshttp://www.charactercounts.org/rskstats

http://www.charactercounts.org/

http://www.charactercounts.org/

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