L

bullhead.gif says: I’m so hungry that a seismometer in Haiti recorded my

stomach growling. Sorry guys.

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

I am not a demon. I am a lizard, a shark, a heat-seeking panther. I want to be Bob Denver on acid playing the accordion. ~ Nicolas Cage

...see Showdown on back

AILY

undead dream killer proceeds to slaugh-ter an untold number of Springwood residents, much to the chagrin of Rambo.

“This guy’s seen a lot in his day, but this takes the cake,” Stallone explains

at a Hollywood press conference. “All he knows is that he’s gotta get those civilians outta there or they’re toast. It’s do or die time, and no hockey mask wear-ing freak is gonna show up John Rambo’s ma-chete wielding skills.”

The climactic battle between the three ex-perienced killers takes

place in an abandoned warehouse near Crystal Lake, where Rambo ambushed Voorhees in a pit-fall type trap. Sensing an opportunity to put them both in an early grave, Freddy swoops in to slash their throats. Unfortunately for him, Rambo pulls around his M60 machine gun in the nick of time and gives the otherworldly demon a taste of cold, American lead. The critics rave.

DThe horror-action-slasher thriller Freddy vs. Jason vs. Rambo rocketed to the top of the box office charts this past weekend, blowing past Alice in Won-derland with a weekend gross of $77 million.

“It’s a great honor to have worked with such a talented and botched up group of writers and develop-ers,” cheers Sylvester Stallone, who co-di-rected the bloodbath along with Ronny Yu. “A chance to bring to life a beast like this only comes along once in a lifetime.”

Stallone also plays the part of John Rambo, a Vietnam War veteran who becomes sucked into the nightmarish drama of the Crystal Lake/Springwood area. While stopping at a small diner, the hardened soldier witnesses the grisly slaying of a convertible full of teenagers by Jason Voorhees, setting off a string of events that leads to the reawakening of Freddy Krueger. The

The Daily Bull is probably not suitable for those under age 18 and should not be taken seriously... like Stalin posters!

BULBy Nathan ‘Invincible’ Miller ~ Daily Bull

The world has been dreaming of flying cars since the dawn of futuristic films. So far, it hasn’t been practical to assume that cars will be cruising in special lanes above the rest of us, but the world may yet see real-life leapfrog on the freeway.

Popular car manufacturer Subaru announced recently that it’s going to rally for Leap Zones – similar to passing lanes, these would be stretch-es of road where drivers could physically jump over slower traffic. What’s the catch? You would have to be an owner of their soon-to-be-released vehicles, the Kangaru.

Basically, the Kangaru propels the driver through the air at the touch of a button. Pro-vided said driver is moving fast enough, the leap should be feasible. “Kinematics says this could be possible,” confirmed several Michigan Tech phys-ics majors. Unfortunately, the auto industry is working to give Subaru a sharp reality check.

For instance: what if you go to jump-pass and the car below you speeds up?

By Liz Fujita ~ Daily Bull

Jumping Car?!

Freddy vs. Jason vs. Rambo Takes Top Spot at Box Office

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THE

PIZZA

The Steaming Pile

CoitusParticle acceleration

Drinking. Heavily.Physics problems

Death laser buildingPrank calling

Mr. MTU NominationLion Taming

Wedding CrashingIron Cheffing

ClubbingKnitting

PrivateeringThrowing down phat beats

HairdresserCircus Clown

Experiment on KittensFight Ghost with Particle Beams

Play badminton with a real birdieRubidium + Water

Showering in Nuclear WasteOff-road rocket riding

LARP

Straight From You-Know-Where!Unknown Pastore Passtimes

FutterwackingSlaying Jabberwockies

Das boot!Loving all that you can teach

Sacrificing FundiesExploiting the internet

Hacking the CIAEnjoying caviar on Sundays

Assassinating Russian PresidentsChanging Global Climate

Applied IchthyologyApplied Sodomy

Brewing Hard CiderSitting on Pillows

Praying to the MoonCardio (damn zombies)

Experimental BakeryDrinking Bad Coffee

Reading Secret DocumentsClimbing BuildingsFetishistic Lasering

Fighting for Science and HonorElectromancy

...see BOING BOING on back

I SAID NO PICKELS!!!

“Arguably the most chaotic and action packed thriller since Band of Slaugh-ters.” ~ The New York Times

“An outstanding piece of American cinema; 5 stars!” ~ Entertainment Weekly

...Showdown from front

EDITOR IN CHIEF & BOSS MAN ZE LITTLECOMP EDITOR

FACULTYADVISOR

Nathan “Invincible” Miller

Nathan “Invincible” Miller, Liz Fujita, Jeremy “Mr. Sunshine” Loucks, Simon Mused, John Pastore, Matt Villa, Mary Kennedy, Ruben Garcia, Kiri Kennedy, Benjamin Loucks, Tyler Botbyl, Lauren Allen, Jon “Big-O” Mahan, Alec Hamer, Phil Pomber, Stephen Whittaker, Sam Schall, Sandra Custer, Frank McGuire, Mike Cardwell, Bryne Judy, and a cell phone ring tone of DOOM.

©2010 by the Daily Bull, a non-profit organization. All rights reserved. Articles may be freely distributed electronically or on late night talk shows provided credit is given, and that this notice is included. The Daily Bull reserves the right to refuse any advertisements or guest articles without reason. All opinionated letters sent to the editor (on paper or to bull@mtu.edu) will be treated as material to be published unless expressly stated otherwise by the sender. Original works printed in the Daily Bull remain the property of the creator, however the Daily Bull reserves the right to reprint any submissions in future issues unless specifically asked not to do so by the creator. If you keep reading this small text, you’ll try to be the best person you can be.

Liz Fujita

STILL CREEPY

david vs olsonMichael Jackson

The Daily Bull would like to thank the Daily Bull for buying our own damn printer that this publication is printed on. We would also like to thank the Stu-dent Activity Fee for helping to pay for our paper and toner costs.

Daily Bull

Advertising inquiries, questions & comments should be directed to

bull@mtu.edu

Sunshine’s Searcher: Cooking Herbs and Spices

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Brought to you by Jeremy ‘Mr. Sunshine’ Loucks

“With a body count of 863, how can you go wrong?” ~ Rotten Tomatoes

“Blood bath? More like blood tidal wave!” ~ Playboy Magazine

After its stunning opening weekend, Freddy vs. Jason vs. Rambo promises to hold the top spot for weeks to come, as both word of mouth and a lack of worthy competitors pave the way for continued success. With a budget of nearly $110 million likely to be recouped by the end of its first week, movie distributor Lionsgate should see healthy profits of its latest Rambo installment.

“I was so excited to see Rambo an-nihilate Jason with that dynamite truck that I went and saw it in 3-D at an IMAX theater!” exclaims Ruben Garcia, a ra-bid fanboy of the Rambo series. “Even at $15 a ticket, it was sooo worth it.”

Early industry reports indicate that the limited edition Blu-Ray Death Pack Bundle will include 100 rounds of .50-caliber ammunition, a pocket machete stained with real blood, and a sweater knitting instruction guide.

Well, Generic Man, if that were the case, a jumping Subaru Kangaru would almost certainly land squarely on top of the car it tried to pass, squishing both vehicles and their drivers into metallic flap jacks. Since the car only promises hops, there will be no jet boosters to ensure a safe landing. Experts do say, however, that finger-crossing has been relatively effective in preventing “belly flops.” Prayer is still being investigative, since results are shotty.

Another problem with the idea of a Kangaru is its potential for abuse by NASCAR drivers. Subaru does manu-facture racing cars, but representatives insist that jumping would be far too dangerous at those velocities. In addi-tion, having a car with a bit of bounce could lead to unfair race results.

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*Bonus: My favor-ite chef, who likes to “BAM! Kick it up

a notch!”*

“We saw in a couple of test runs that drivers would jump and land their car on top of another intentionally,” ex-plained Subaru affiliate Philip Nash. “Then, when the two cross the finish line, there’s no way of knowing who won!” Both drivers in the test run are in intensive care; doctors are working hard to flatten them out from their Loo-ney Tunes accordion-style injuries.

Somehow overlooked is the idea of tangential motion, which would lead to real-life Final Destination scenes if driv-ers passed during a turn.

The last problem Subaru test drivers discovered was that Leap Zones would have to be placed on very long stretch-es of straight road. After bypassing a slowpoke, the last thing anyone would want to see beneath them would be

the road curving away to the left – land-ing in a bog may be less painful, but it hampers one’s ability to reach a destina-tion. A group of four damp test-pilots chimed, “Unless they’re giving the Kan-garu functional legs or a prehensile tail, landing in a ditch, swamp, woods, or lava pit is going to be a huge hazard.”

Subaru has reluctantly agreed to post-pone the release of the Kangaru until fur-ther tests are done to improve its usabil-ity. In the meantime, competitor Suszuki plans to unveil a smart car that can slither beneath semi-trucks when passing lanes aren’t available, and Toyota wants to im-prove its design for a motorcycle uni-cycle. Regardless of which (if any) are released, travelers nationwide should be advised to use other means of tran-sit, and remember that sometimes, futur-istic innovation is just plain stupid.

...BOING BOING from front