CT 4/510 Advanced Interpersonal Communication

Struggling in Relationships

gardening metaphor for relationship

Miller: assertive message

• concrete behavior

• interpretation

• feelings

• consequences

Do interests converge or diverge?

Question Pious Assumptions

use a perspective by incongruity

Become aware of your illusions

Bochner: self disclosure is a highly overrated activity.

personal values - Magritte

Bochner: long term relationships are maintained by illusions of truth, exaggerations of goodness, and less than full communication

Kaminer: we live in a cult of victimage

Are we entitled to be happy?

. . . life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.

relationships need a spirit of improvisation.

When might we not be direct, honest and straightforward?

• hurt feelings

• cause anger

• damage relationship

• lose face

equivocation operates under conditions of uncertainty.

Julia Wood #2

assertive yielding

constructive

destructive

exit neglect

loyaltyvoice

Gender differences in conflict

• females talk to maintain relationships

• males become aggressive

• females enable conversation

• males get higher blood pressure

• females are trained to be sensitive

• males use exit and neglect strategies

• females use loyalty and voice strategies

Infidelity 2006

Kilmann and Thomas Conflict Management Model

concernfor self

non-assertion

assertion

concernfor other

non-cooperation cooperation

avoid accomodate

compete collaborate

compromise

ponder these:

your parent calls and asks how you are doing in your classes. You don’t think you are doing as well as he/she would like you to do.

your roomate asks what you think of the bright posters they’ve just put up around the room. You think they are a bit tacky.

Your romantic partner asks how many other people you’ve really loved before you met her/him. You don’t want to be truthful.

Your boss at work wants to know what your plans for the future are. You plan to leave as soon as you find a better job.

Your mother asks you about what your brother/sister has been up to lately. They have been doing something she wouldn’t be happy to hear.

Your romantic partner wants to know why you are spending so much time with your other friends. You have been bored with the relationship lately.

Gottman - two marriages: his and hers

• men have a harder time recovering from being upset - blood pressure & heart rate rise higher and stay high longer.

• physiologically men don’t need to relate to people as much as women . . .

a relation ship . . . who tends to be in-charge?

In order to keep a man engaged in a difficult discussion, a woman often raises the intensity to keep the man responsive.

In less than two years, the stepfamily will be the most common form . . .

characteristics of stepfamilies• history loss

• parent-child relationship predates couple relationship

• differential rituals

• children live in two households

• complex extended family network

• no legal relationship between stepparent and stepchildren

• relationships are often involuntary

issues to be negotiated

• who are the “real” members?

• what space is mine?

• who is in charge?

• who gets time?

identify personal preferences for fight patterns, and discuss this in relationships.• avoid

• accommodate

• compete

• compromise

• collaborate

A mom’s life . . . any comments?

Enright et al.: forgiveness = “a willingness to abandon one’s right to resentment, negative judgment, and indifferent behavior toward one who unjustly hurt us, while fostering the underserved qualities of compassion, generosity, and even love toward him or her.” (Galvin, p. 234)

forgiver and offender mutually influence each other.

How So?

Are there limits to forgiveness?

My Lai Massacre9/11

do you have limits for forgiveness in your interpersonal relationships?

How does time influence forgiveness?

Forgiveness is a relational drama. Take care when writing the script!