Crumpet’s Last Go-’Round

7/30/2019 Crumpets Last Go-Round

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Crumpets Last Go-Round

A playlet by Lauren Friedlander

Character List:

CRUMPET, 50s, sinewy and strong

SAMSON, 30s, husband of DELILAHDELILAH, 30s, wife of SAMSON

MISTY, 18, the new gal

CRUMPET, SAMSON, DELILAH, and (eventually) MISTY all wear the same sleek,

black uniform.

SCENE ISplit scene.

CRUMPET, in silhouette, in a hot coal oven. Flies abuzz. CRUMPET merely twitches his

muscles to flick them off. He is sweating. The top half of his uniform dangles at his waist.

Very ceremoniously, he puts a bit in his mouth.

Elsewherea typical office break room. Fluorescent lights. A plastic potted plant. A

coffee machine. A vending machine.

DELILAH sits at the table, opens a take-out salad, squirts on the ranch dressing.

SAMSON gets a soda from the vending machine. His pizza pocket whirrs in the

microwave.

DELILAH (between enormous cuddy bites of salad): I got my tarot read yesterday.

SAMSON: So thats where you were. We were completely out of groceries(the

microwaves dings, and he pulls out his pizza pocket)Becky was hungry and all we had

was half a thing of hot mustard and you know how she gets

DELILAH: hangry, I know

SAMSON: So I made her a hot mustard sandwich with the heels of the bread. It was theheight of sad.

DELILAH: Im sorry. Ill go shopping on our next day off. I just needed some time formyself.

SAMSON: Right, you were saying? Your tarot?

DELILAH: Well I dont even wanna go into it now.

SAMSON: You started to say


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DELILAH: No, youre going to make fun of it and I just would rather not go into it.

SAMSON: How much did it cost?

DELILAH: UGHHH.

SAMSON: How much?

DELILAH: Five dollars. Five dollars. Thats what, a fifth of our monthly entertainment

allowances

SAMSON: We nixed the entertainment allowances last month when the Duchesswenixed that.

(Uncomfortable silence. They chew loudly.

Meanwhile, CRUMPET attaches blinders to his head.

Meanwhile, a young girl enters the break room with a bulky paper bag in hand. She isdressed too fancily.)

SAMSON and DELILAH (clumsily covering their full mouths): Hiii!

NEW GAL (giggling politely): Oh hi!

(SAMSON and DELILAH smile and cover their mouths and put up one finger meaning,

Just a sec, and grunt and chew their food and swallow loudly. DELILAH puts down

her fork and gets up to shake the girls hand.)

DELILAH: You must be the new gal!

NEW GAL: Yeah, Rachel.

SAMSON: Samson.

DELILAH: Delilah.

SAMSON: Rachel, huh?

NEW GAL: Yeah, Mr. Cisco said to come to Samson and Delilah for a name and a

uniform, so

SAMSON: Thats right, thats right. (Wiping his mouth with a paper towel.) Before your

first go-round, huh?


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NEW GAL: What? Oh right. This afternoon.

SAMSON: Feeling limber?

DELILAH: Oh shut up, Samson.

NEW GAL (giggling politely): Oh, I think so. I carried a family of five across the park,

for my audition. Nailed it! (She does a little embarrassed fist pump.)

DELILAH: Woah.

NEW GAL: Yeah, Im strong, though I dont look it.

SAMSON: Well no wonder Cisco likes you.

DELILAH (rolling her eyes at him): So sweetie, you need you a name.

NEW GAL: Right.

DELILAH: Right. So. Just to give you the run-down. There are typically three categories

of names Cisco likes to have represented. Theres Native American, Dessert, and

Weather.

NEW GAL: What about

SAMSON: Delilah and I came as a couple. So we got a couple name. Thats oneexception.

DELILAH: The Duchess was another exception. You didnt get to meet her. But if youhad, youd see why she was an exception. She was justwellshe was the Duchess.

(Weird moment.) Lets just say you have some big hooves to fill, hon.

(CRUMPET attaches heavy iron hooves to his hands and feet.)

NEW GAL: She soundsquite grand. (She makes a face at her word choice.)

SAMSON: Ha, sheyeah. She was certainly royalty around here. Shame you couldnt

meet her.

NEW GAL: Im sure. How much could she carry?

DELILAH (changing the subject): And then theres Crumpet. Maybe youll meetCrumpet. He keeps to himself for the most part, these days. But hes Dessert, obviously.

So that leaves Native American and Weather. Cisco usually likes tribe names

Comanche, Apache, Cherokee


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SAMSON: What about Cheyenne?

DELILAH: Hmmm (DELILAH looks the NEW GAL up and down. The NEW GALgiggles and mock-presents herselfis she worthy of Cheyenne?) I dont

knooowCheyennes a little

SAMSON: Well never mind me.

DELILAH: What about weather?

SAMSON: Stormy, Sunny, Windy

DELILAH: Misty!

SAMSON:Misty.

MISTY: Misty.

DELILAH (patting herself on the back): Its a gift.

(They go back to their food. MISTY joins them. She plops her feeding bag on the table

and begins attaching straps to her ears.)

DELILAH: Oh Samson, look how cute! She brought a feedbag for her first go-round!

SAMSON: Give her a rest, shes trying.

MISTY: Oh, I thought

SAMSON: Some people still care. Some people arent so jaded. Youre in good

companyCrumpet uses a feedbag too.

DELILAH: Well, Crumpet isCrumpet does a lot of things.

(CRUMPET begins to draw a wheelbarrow full of dumbbells.)

MISTY: Newbie alert, I guess.

SAMSON: Here, Misty, why dontcha cheat a little

(He gets her a Honey Bun from the vending machine, which she gingerly nibbles.

SAMSON and DELILAH, however, continue to chew vulgarly.

Lights down on the break room. CRUMPET spits out his bit, takes off his hooves, and

straps a feedbag to his ears and eats. After a moment, food goes down the wrong pipe. He

swipes the straps away and coughs for a long time. He has to sit down.)


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SCENE II

Later that daydinner break. SAMSON is heating up a Cup o Noodles. DELILAH is

making a smoothie.

DELILAH (over the whir of the blender): Ive had some awful go-rounds the past

couple

SAMSON: WHAT?

DELILAH: I said Ive had some really hard

SAMSON: WHAAAT?

(SHE stops blending. She pours it into a cup and puts in a straw and sits.)

DELILAH: Christs sake I said Ive

SAMSON: How was I supposed to hear you over the

DELILAH: Ive had some difficult go-rounds the past coupla weeks, have you?

SAMSON: Oh yeah. I just had a double date, musta been eight hundred pounds

altogether, easy. Plus Cisco steering, and hes not a small fella. I think he pitied mehe

was light on the whippings this time.

DELILAH: Oh good. But seriously, where are all the small children? It seems like

Ciscos passing them all off to Crumpet.

SAMSON: The small children, the svelte couples, sad singles, all. I dont blame em.

Crumpetswell, hes no chipper young colt.

DELILAH: Dont talk about that.

SAMSON: I know, what with the Duchess last month.

DELILAH:Donttalk about that.

SAMSON: Have you seen him practicing behind the lot?

DELILAH: You are such a gossip. I thought we were working on positive perspectiveswith Doctor

SAMSON: He wears these hooves


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DELILAH: Beckys picking up on our overly-critical outlook

SAMSON: You know its because of the Duchess. You know its because they shot her.

(Pause.)

DELILAH (sad): Samson.

SAMSON: Hes no young colt.

DELILAH: No.

(MISTY enters with an enormous energy drink, French fries, and a box of fettuccinealfredo. Shes sipping from her drink and some goes down the wrong way. She coughs.

Tears in her eyes. Shes wearing her uniform.)

SAMSON and DELILAH: Hiii!

MISTY (croaking): Hey.

SAMSON: Now thats the meal of a gal whos had her first go-round! Remember our

first meal, Dee?

DELILAH: Big fat burgers. With cheese.

SAMSON: Its tiring work. Enjoy it.

(MISTY recovers, sits, and commences scarfing.)

DELILAH: Howd it go?

MISTY: Six bridesmaids. Six.

DELILAH: Oof.

MISTY: I mean, I wasnt expecting such a big load my first go-round, but that was fine.What I couldnt believe was the traffic.

SAMSON: Yeah, they dont tell you about the tailpipes.

MISTY: Hour-and-a-half ride, of course, six bridesmaids, and my nose practically up this

cars exhaust pipe the whole time! And random people coming up and petting me andpoking me and

DELILAH: Right, its like, hello, did you pay for that privilege?


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MISTY: And the heat.

DELILAH: Its supposed to be in the hundreds all week.

MISTY: Is it always this hard?

SAMSON: Were going through a rough time; thereve been some staff changes

DELILAH (shooting him a look):No, sug, youll get used to it. Itll be a breeze. Well,not a breeze butyoull pass a lot of time coming up with ways to spend your day off.

MISTY: Oh God, a day off. Is it sad Im looking forward to that already?

DELILAH (laughing): Ah, youth. Dont worry, youve got the knack, Mist, I can tell.

Ive got a sense for these things.

SAMSON: She really does.

(CRUMPET is decked out with bit, hooves, barrow. He pulls. He reaches a breaking

point. He collapses, coughing. He settles himself. He takes out his bit, takes off hishooves, discards the barrow. He takes out his feedbag. He takes out a cheeseburger. He

eats it slowly, but with enormous bites, until he is finished. He goes to sleep.)

SCENE III

A week later.

SAMSON, DELILAH, MISTY, all at the break room table. We hear nothing but their

chews, many coughs and hacks and sniffs. They all look exhausted, sun-burnt, dirty.SAMSON eats a hot mustard sandwich made out of the heels of bread. DELILAH eats

from a box of kids cereal, finds a toy, looks over it calmly, then puts it in her purse to

give to Becky. MISTY eats plain macaroni onto which she pours ketchup. They all slurp

on Frozen Cokes.

In the other room, we see the bit, the hooves, an empty feedbag, an empty wheelbarrow.

Flies abuzz, more than ever.

Crumpet’s Last Go-’Round

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Transcript of Crumpet’s Last Go-’Round