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Being Assertive

Being Assertive Page 1 27/2/14

What is being assertive?

An assertive person is someone who is able to balance a concern of others with a concern for themselves. It means respecting the rights of others and yourself to say no, to receive respect, to express views, thoughts and feelings in an appropriate manner which does not harm anyone else or oneself, the right to make mistake, the right to take responsibility for our actions, the right of everyone to set appropriate priorities and boundaries for themselves, the right of everyone to consider their own needs to be as important as those of others, the right not to feel guilty when being assertive.

The Four Types of Communication

Assertive Communication/Behaviour

When communication assertively we are clear and say what we mean. We convey what we really want in a clear, honest, unambiguous way, in a manner that respects our rights, our needs and our feelings and also the rights, needs and feelings of the other person. It’s about creating a win-win situation. Being truly comfortable with being yourself means you can:- Assertive Communication includes:-

Expressing your feelings, needs and ideas, while maintaining respect for the other person

Knowing what you feel so that you can express it clearly Facing potential conflict Standing up for your rights: saying “yes” or “no” when you

mean it Being honest with yourself and others Saying what you mean (with persistence – sometimes you

have to repeat yourself when being assertive) criticise without feeling bad look at people when you are talking to them apologise only when it is genuinely due make requests and ask for help taking risks in communication making own choices


Feelings might include:-

Feeling good about self Increased confidence Increased self-esteem Relief

Passive Communication/Behaviour When communicating passively we don’t communicate to others what we think, want or need. Sometimes we don’t even admit it to ourselves Passive behaviour is often associated with the fear of hurting the feelings of others, with pleasing others and an over-riding concern to seek a harmonious relationship with others at the expense of our own integrity. Often it is precisely the so-called easy-going person, who appears on the surface to fit in so well with the plans and agenda of the group, who actually ends up being relatively invisible, because no one really knows what he/she likes or wants. When we express ourselves in an apologetic, diffident, or self-effacing way, others can easily disregard us. Passive behaviour is a failure to engage properly with life, and it usually results in others deciding how we should spend our time. Passive Communication includes:-

Avoiding situations which might be uncomfortable Avoiding conflict Avoiding situations that feel emotionally risky Not expressing feelings, thoughts or needs Ignoring our own rights in a situation Lying or making excuses in uncomfortable situations Being apologetic or putting down self Letting others make decisions for us



Relief (avoided conflict) Resentment (of others for making decision, having power) Annoyed with self (didn’t say what felt/needed)

Passive-aggressive Communication/Behaviour

When we communicate passive-aggressively, we indirectly say what we think or mean. It often leaves the person receiving the remark feeling confused, as we have not been clear about what we really think or feel.

Guilt is the key to getting your own way with passive-aggressive behaviour. It is a form of manipulation and involves playing the martyr so that the other person feels so guilty that they give in to you.

Passive-aggressive Communication includes:-

Being indirectly aggressive Trying to control the situation while being “nice” Manipulative behaviour Being unclear about how you are truly feeling Denying your feelings about a situation, when you are clearly

aware of them Making others feel guilty Avoiding rejection and hurt Getting what you want without facing conflict


Low self esteem Isolation because of distancing and confusing communication Angry at self Relief because you’ve made your point whilst avoiding conflict


Aggressive Communication/Behaviour

When communicating aggressively, we say what we think without taking into account the other person’s feelings, thoughts or needs. Aggressive communication includes shouting, intimidating body language, sarcasm and violence.

Aggressive behaviour is concerned with self-centred, inconsiderate, selfish activity, where a person focuses exclusively on their rights, their needs and their feelings, and neglects the wellbeing of the other person. It can be demanding, threatening, manipulative, and is often concealed behind a seductive façade of charm. It is ultimately self-serving and often relates to self-aggrandisement and the need to preserve power and status.

Whereas aggressive behaviour is often short-term and blinkered, assertive behaviour springs from a deeper need to connect with others in a respectful and considerate manner. Between the two extremes of passive and aggressive behaviour there is quite a bit of latitude for us to behave in a relaxed, assertive manner, to be firmly ourselves.

Aggressive Communication includes:-

Expression of feelings, needs and ideas at expense of others Violating others’ feelings or rights Dominating and belittling behaviour Having a sense of power or control in the situation Saying what you think without thinking about the outcome Sarcastic remarks

Four Types of Assertion

Basic assertions

This is when you simply state your feelings, beliefs or opinions. Usually an ‘I feel' or ‘I want' statement. Not difficult provided you’re in touch with your needs or your feelings, and that they are sufficiently important to you to be expressed.


Empathetic assertions

This is usually in two parts, with the first conveying that you understand where the other person is coming from, followed by a statement where you stand up for your rights: For example:

“I know you have been really busy, but I want to feel that our relationship is important to you. I want you to make more time for me and for us.”

Escalating assertion

If the other person fails to respond appropriately to your basic assertion, maybe persists in offending you, then you have to become increasingly firm. It could include some kind of resulting action. For example:

“If you don’t return my money, which I clearly stated was a loan, then I’m going to see a solicitor”

‘I’ Language assertion

This is a three-part statement, and very useful for dealing with negative feelings. It can help you in constructively focussing your anger and in clarifying your own feelings. It includes:

When you do..... (describe the behaviour) The effects are..... (describe how the behaviour affects you) I`d prefer..... (describe what you want)

For example:

“When you came round last night without the tickets, we couldn’t get into the concert. I was disappointed and really fed up with you. Next time, when you agree to do something like that, I would prefer that you were more careful.”

“When you play your music late at night I can’t get to sleep, and I feel miserable the next day. Please turn your music down after 10 pm.”


How Assertive Are You?

A friend interrupts your evening exam revision in order to have a chat. a) You put on the kettle and invite him in b) You tell the person to return later when you are free c) You shout at the person to go away A friend interrupts you when you are deep in conversation with a third person. a) You ask the interrupter to wait until you have finished b) Just allow it to happen and hope to resume the conversation later c) You ignore her interruption You plan on having a quiet evening, but your best friend suggests going to see a film that you have already seen a) You say 'no', that you have other plans b) You ditch your schedule, try to look cheerful and go off to the film c) You apologise, and suggest that your friend come in for a short

chat and a drink

Someone you don’t know well expresses some opinions that are clearly absurd. a) You politely remain silent b) You open up with 'That’s interesting, but I disagree with what

you’ve said...' c) You respond with, 'that’s rubbish. How can you say that!'

You’re keen to break into a group conversation a) You say, 'Excuse me, may I join you?' b) You butt in with, 'Hey, I’m Amanda and I’m from Fife!' c) You wait rather a long time for the others to notice you.


Three situations: 1. How can I say 'No'?

Saying no to a request that conflicts with your own needs and desires is honest. You have a right to say no, without feeling bad. Usually saying “no thank you”, “no, I’m not interested”, “no, I’ve decided not to” should work. However if someone persists, then repeat yourself... but don’t apologise! If you want to give an explanation, then:

Acknowledge the request by repeating it. Say no and explain your reason for refusing. Optional... suggest an alternative on which you can both agree.

Practice saying “no” over little things with safe people to test out their response. 2. How can I be assertive when I have these strong feelings churning around inside me? Strong feelings can arise when someone criticises you or acts aggressively. It`s important to channel your own feelings of hurt or anger in a way that you can use them effectively. The key is not to lose it. If your feelings are very powerful, you could try saying, “I`m feeling too angry, too upset etc. to talk to you now.” 3. How can I respond better to criticism?

Criticism is often given indirectly, is usually misinterpreted, and can often be the tip of an iceberg of pent-up frustration. Listen carefully to what is said, and decide if it is valid and then choose your preferred response. You could:

Agree with them - this communicates the desire to stop the discussion.

Selectively ignore - respond to the bits that you think are relevant.

Question - ask the other person to be specific, how it affects them, if there is anything else.

Sort out - point out that there are several issues and offer to discuss one.

Say no - you don`t agree, explain why and/or how about it.


The Non-Assertive Personality

Non-assertive people are often concerned with the feelings and relationships of people. In their concern for the welfare of others, their intuition and personal warmth can bring healing and reconciliation. But as they strive for understanding and harmony in their relationships, they can lose the ability to apportion blame and responsibility. In focussing on stability, values and supporting others, it may often seem more important to maintain a particular relationship rather than express dissent or engage in confrontation.

The result can be a gradual slide into invisibility as the non-assertive person fails to let others know about likes, dislikes, needs and priorities. If a child is not taught that it`s ok to be assertive, then acting later in a submissive way may seem safer and socially more acceptable... e.g. the adult reasons, “at least I will then incur less criticism, rejection or social exclusion”. Assertiveness can also be associated with selfishness. But however great the apparent benefits of remaining non-assertive, there is often a heavy price to pay in terms of low self-esteem.

Developing Your Assertiveness Skills

Research suggests that 7% of our communication is verbal, 93% is non-verbal (i.e. tone of voice, facial expression, body language).

Here are some practical suggestions to help you make changes. There are a lot of possibilities here, we suggest that at first you just choose one or two to get you going:-

Express feelings:-

Own your feelings – they are yours and you are entitled to them Practice I-statements such as “I feel concerned”, “I feel happy” State your feelings in a positive manger Reflect back the other’s feelings if this seems appropriate – “it

sounds like you feel disappointed about that”


Cultivate “two track listening”

Focus on feelings – your own and the other person’s Stay with both tracks – the other’s feelings and your own, but try

to distinguish whose feelings are whose Empathise with the other person, but not at the expense of

losing touch with your own feelings Avoid taking on the other’s feelings without realising it – getting

hooked in See these hooks as invitations which you can choose to refuse

Describe behaviour

Direct yourself to the specific behaviour not the whole person Give place and time of behaviour that upsets you Avoid labels or always-statements such as “you are always out

to get me” Describe the action and not the motive Use concrete terms

Specify the change desired

Be clear about what you would like Request a small change Request only one or two small changes at a time Be specific and concrete in your requests Ask yourself whether the other person can meet your request

without a large loss Specify what behaviour you will change to make the agreement Make consequences explicit

Validate self and other

Validate what is good in the relationship Sandwich the request for change between two positives Be specific about what is good in the relationship Be honest about what is good in the relationship


Example:- You and your lab partner are under pressure to finish an experiment by 6.00 p.m. It is not going well. Your partner tells you that he/she is leaving because he/she has other work to do and asks you to finish the experiment alone. You are not at all happy about this. An assertive response might include some of the following:-

“I’m finding that difficult to accept” (express feelings) “I appreciate that you are worried because you have other work

to do” (two track listening) “I feel let down that you need to go off now when we agreed to

do this together” (express feelings, describe behaviour) “I’d like you to stay and work with me for an hour” (specify

change desired) “I think we are a good team, maybe we can do this more

quickly than we thought; we’ve worked together well in the past” (validate self and other)

Assertiveness and Body Language It is not just the words we use but also the way we say them that makes us assertive. Tone of voice is crucial here. In the example above “I feel let down that you need to go off now” can be said:-

Aggressively – brusque and clipped or strident and loud Passively – smiling to pacify, inviting the other to ignore us Manipulatively – dramatic gestures, conspiratorial closeness Assertively – open gestures, appropriate warmth, steady pace

Practice speaking into a mirror until you find a pitch that is steady and firm, neither a whisper or too domineering. Try to make eye contact when you speak, holding your gaze calmly, but not for too long. Try to keep your body still.


Handling Criticism No-one is invulnerable to criticism. When criticised, most of us react in one of three ways:-

We take unfair criticism to heart We react aggressively with a counter-attack We avoid criticism by passive or ingratiating behaviour

The skills of negative assertion and negative enquiry are useful ways of handling criticism whether this criticism come from our tutor, supervisor, boss, friend or (most likely) ourselves. The key is to become adept at judging the critic’s motivation. Is he or she trying to make you feel small or guilty, or is there a genuine attempt at constructive criticism? Negative assertion means calmly agreeing with and accepting criticism if it is appropriate. It means thinking clearly about specifics and not agreeing with labels that generalise. Negative enquiry follows on from this. By asking for clarification, it enable us to ask for constructive criticism. It allows the other person to express honest negative feelings directly and can lead to an improvement in communication. It shows up manipulative behaviour as the manipulator is often thrown by this response because their motive is to put us down, they won’t want to be specific. Example:-

Criticism: “You are selfish” Negative assertion: “Yes, it is true that I am giving my own

needs some priority right now”. Negative enquiry: “In what ways do you think I am selfish?

Can you be specific?”


What else can you do?

There are useful self help books – for example:-

Assertiveness at Work - A Practical Guide to Handling Awkward Situations, Ken Back & Kate Back (2005); McGraw-Hill Educational. (ISBN 0077114280)

The Assertiveness Workbook: How to Express your Ideas and Stand Up for Yourself at Work and in Relationships, Randy J Paterson (2000); New Harbinger Publications (ISBN 1572242094) - workbook for non-assertive and overly aggressive people

When I Say No, I Feel Guilty: How to Cope Using the Skills of Systematic Assertive Therapy, Manuel J Smith (1985); Mass Market Paperback. (ISBN 0553263900)

Assert Yourself: Gael Lindenfield (2001); Harper Collins (IBN 0007123450)

A Woman in Your Own right: Assertiveness and You, Anne Dickson (1982); Quartet (ISBN 0704334208)

How to be Assertive in any Situation, Sue Hadfield & Gill Hasson (2010); Prentice Hall Life (ISBN 0273785222)

Easy Ways to Build Assertiveness, Confidence & Self Esteem, Jennie Willett (2010); Lulu (ISBN 1445236621)


The University Counselling Service can help you understand why you are not acting in assertive ways and help you gain the skills you

need to increase your self-esteem. Find out more about us at :

www.durham.ac.uk/counselling.service

or

email us : [email protected]

telephone : 0191 3342200

………………….

for Queen’s Campus Stockton

email : [email protected]

telephone : 0191 3340039

http://www.durham.ac.uk/counselling.service

mailto:[email protected]

mailto:[email protected]

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