Cornrnon GroundThe Offieial Newsletter for lfivoreing

CorFles in UtahNewsletter Update

August 2009

THE ts BIGGEST MISTNTES PEOPLE MAKE WNEru GETTING A DIVORCE

Altcf having done thousandsof rnediations, the Divorce Me.diation lnstitute of Utah beganto track and ||lereure com|tron-alities between dillerent divorc-ing couples. Ou results wercYerlr telling. This report ls aresult of that research.

OhlE-rorro*,ing the s.ett-intended advice ol lriends

and family.

Everybody has his or her omlegal interDret tion ol howyour divorce will end up. Thislrame of refefence is usullybased on an episode ol ..LA lawttor a best a lriend who had acousin who wa$ divorced andgot this or that tlrpe of settle-ment. Wrile sone ol this adyicemight be tfuet you ne€d to re.member that your divorce islike a tingerprint. There is notany other one like it. Nobodyelse had your kids, nobody elsehad your exact situation and ityou go to court you will have acompletely difterent set of at-torneys and iudges. Iton't getfalse expectations lrom well-intended but misiniormed andsubiecfve sources!

Gan Personal Goaching

"Wha t i s a oe rsona l coach? "

A pe rsona l coach i s a t r a i ned

o ro fess i ona l who ass i s t s vou i n

ach iev i ng you r des i r ed l i f e

changes and goa l s . The coach ingrelat ionship is a powerfu l col -laborat ion between coach and

cl ient to oromote personal andprofessional growth. Unl ike therapy, which may delve into your

past , the coaching re lat ionship

accepts you as you are today,

and concentrates on Vour per-

sonal goals for the future.

Li fe is a process. There are many

transi t ions over the course of a

l i fe cycle. Managing these t rans-

act ions involve knowledge, re-

courses, and appl icat ion ofknowledge. Coaching helps theperson make these t ransact ions

smoothly and del iberately.

TlllO.rnir,king you willget to tell your slde ot thestory to a iudge and that a

iudge f,.ill t unish your

sportse for being a badperson!

lnstead, here's what happenssyour case wlll be given (at nost)20 minutes at each healing. Andworse, you'll get to sit there andlet lrour attorney talk! Itoyoursell a tavor take a little lieldtrip down to the Scott MathesonCourt House in $alt Lake. OnTuesdays and Wednesdays, ttreJudges hear diflerent divorceissues. Tou will learn trom thistield trip that the divorcingcouples never get to speak. Theydon't get to tell the Judgeanlrthing! They have to trustthat their attorney will bepersuasive. The iudge does notwant to hear why your spouse isa bad person or why your life hasbeen turned upside down becauseof your spouse's selfishness,The

iudge also won't hand out anypunishment to your spousebecause he or she is an evilperson. You'd better hope youattorney is prepared!

Help You?"What is the coaching relationship?"

The couch ing re l a t i onsh ip p ro -

v ides you wi th a personal focus,structure, advice, and support .I t increases your mot ivat ionth rough encou ragemen t and bydeal ing wi th procrast inat ion

and sel f -defeat ing behavior . l tprovides c lar i ty by working wi thyour pr ior i ty , goals, etc. Therelat ionship provides non-judgmental support throughart iculat ing your dreams andaspirat ions, h ighl ight ing your

accompl ishments, and objec-t ively evaluat ing your goals. l tprovides accountabi l i ty throughweekly conference sessions,coupled wi th assignments.

We are the oldest andmost experienced firm

in UtahTHntE (TheKilrer):Assuming a iudge can make

better decisions than you

Gan.

TYe're always amazed thattwo reasorrably normal anddecent people would rather let aJudge in a court of law deter-mine how their children will beparented than come up with aplan on thelr own. Tlrey coulddo better most ot thc tlme byftipping a coin. An agreernent aJudge imposes on you will neverbe better than one you corne upwith because it was not yowidea! After all, you know what'sbest lor your children! Andwhat kind ot message do yousend your children by showingthem that you're too stubbornto put a pareilEng plan to to-gether without a iudge!

Inside this issue:

Working lt Oug. Medlo- 2tion Erings Peoce To Con-flict

Seven Stepc To Closur€ ln 2A Medioted Diyorce

Alimony: To Be Or Not Io 3Be?

Stote Low F.&4 -Section 439: Mediation.

To learn more about how toavoid these and other comonmistakes call a Divorce Mediatorat the ltivorce Mediation Insti-

ol Utah at 56&0749 or toltat a6&YYE.A,GBEE. Youalso visit our website at

a person hire a pemoral CoadT'

The hing re lat ionship creates

um through accountab i lIty synergy. l t is a tool that

app l ied to a lmost anyi on o r goa l . Examp les o f

goars:

order, balance and

into your l i fe.

less stress, lessial pressure.

hieving specif ic tasks suchstart ing a new business,

loss, etc

arnrng more money anong more productive atK .

iat ing l i fe transactionsas divorce, separat ion,

Yisitotion ls Conyerted Io'"The Parentlng Plan"

Divorce.. Fhe lhree FeorFactors

W orking it oue' /VlediotionErings Peoce to Confli*continued from page 2

How Do We Split OurStuff? l0 Tips An Prop-erty Settrement.

Personol Cooching:"My Style of Cooching?I Give tt to you Stroight"

Medtatlon:Why ttWor*sc a n

We aro on thG We[!www.wG-aglee.G0m

on poge 6 changes, etc.

Working it out: Mediation Brings Peace To ConflictWhen we think of the term

"conflict" we come to any num-ber of ideas on what it may lookand feel like. To some. conflictmeans an argument with aspouse, or the thought of havingto give another lecture on therules of the house to a teenager.To others it means a disagree-ment between employees andmanagement, or an individualwho feels that they have beenwronged by a business or a gov-ernment agency. Whateverform conflict takes, we can besure to find plenty of it in ourmodern society. Whenever weturn on the television we canfind any number of dramatizedexamples of confl ict-whatforms it takes, and how it isresolved.

Conflict is an everyday partof life. Whatever conflict wemight find, can either be destruc-tive or creative, positive or nega-tive. lt can be the spur towardgrowth and self-realization, or itcan tear us apart and drown usin poisonous emotions. Conflictcan be a positive force for socialchange, or it can serve to furtherpolarize people into factions. So,what makes the difference be-tween conflict as a positiveforce, and conflict as a negativeforce? What is the secret? Well,it's all in the approach and howwe manate our own involvement

in the process.

IT ALL BEGINS WITH ADISPUTE:

When communication breaksdown between people and both

sides make a heavy investmentto gain a certain outcome, thenthat conflict has graduated to thelevel of a dispute. What happenswhen you are absolutely sureyou are right and the other partyis wrong? What happens whenthey feel the same way abouttheir position? Where do you gofrom there? There are really twosimple approaches to disputeresolution: the adversarial ap-proach, or the collaborativeapproach. In the realm of con-flict management, the adversarialway to dispute resolution isconsidered the "traditional"approach. The adversarial way ispositioning yourself to "win" adisagreement, dispute or con-test. One party is victorious atthe expense ofthe other. This isthe way most of us have becomefamiliar with how conflict isresolved, and it always tends tobring out the worst in the folksembroiled in it. Unfortunately,society seems to engage in anadversarial way in those conflictsin which parties have a vestedinterest. Most people want toresolve their dispute with theever so famous words "l amtaking you to couft" and this hasbecome our war cry so to speak.We are not gentle enough witheach other; there iust isn't anyslack. We think we know oeo-ple's thoughts and intentions, butwe don't. We do not take thetime to understand any perceP-tions other than our own. Atsome point or another, we haveall felt the personal sting thatconflict brings - both emotionallyand financially. In the realm of a

contested couft process, thecosts that we experience emo-tionally and financially can be

treat.

EMBRACING THE ART

OF MEDIATION:

There is a trend in our soci-ety away from the adversarialapproach to a more collabora-tive method; a trend towardsconflict management that en-gages both parties involved inthe dispute to find a mutuallybeneficial agreement. Thiscollaborative approach to con-flict management is character-ized by both parties involvedagreeing to sit down togetherto seParate themselves fromthe problem or issue, set asidetheir ideas of what a "win"might be, and communicatewhat their real needs are. Thisway has those involved negoti-ate around their real needs,with the hope of walking awayfrom the process having metthose needs. This collaborative

"We think weknow people'sthoughts andintentions, but wedon't"

way is possible, and it works.

Mediation, which is a..CONFLICT RESOLU-

TION PROCESS" where a

third-party helper (the mediator),who facilitates the problem-solvingprocess between disputing parties,is a tool for the collaborative way.This tool gives us a way to staftengaging in conflict that does nothave to be destructive; a way thatis less costly to our emotions andbank accounts. This then be-comes an alternative to the tradi-tional adversarial way. "As long asa safe environment can be createdfor BOTH sides. mediation canhappen at any point in time in adispute. As people become morefamil iar with how mediat ionworks, they feel it becomes moreempowering and less destructivethan fighting it out in court. lt's aprocess where they make theirown agreements, instead of havingsomeone else's forced onto

them."-quoted by Nanq McGohey, Utoh

DisDute Resolutron

A growing body of researchshows the effectiveness of media-tion in disoute resolution. Media-tion is exponentially less costlythan involvement in a court proc-ess, and the agreements madebetween the disputants are morelasting because of this, our socialinstitutions and a growing numberof businesses are mandating in-volvement in mediation in orderto resolve disputes. "Our courtshave implemented mediation pro-grams that have seen a hugeamount of success, and our judgesare increasingly referring peopleto mediation as part of their dis-

Pute Process."-quoted by Nonq McGohey, Utoh

Dispute Resolutron

-continued on Poge 7

The 7 Steps to Closure in a Mediated Divorce

OUR PROMISE IN HELP.ING WITH CLOSURE:

"The family going through di-vorce does not break up, butrather is restructured and re-organized". (quoted by, Donotd T. Sopo*nel<" Ph.D. ond Chp Rose, lD, cfls)

We are committed to helping

them do so in a humane and

responsible way. We know thatthe adversarial orocess and afocus on "winning" the divorceall too often have bitter, de-structive results. Most affectedby this are the children.

ONE: Have a deelre to hendleyour dlvolce in a trnely, lessexfrensive way with a final outcorne that fu lcas tr.tnlul but lairlor all partics involved.

TWO: Gall and schedule a treeconsrrltalEon where you canleat.rt nore about divorce issues,meafrconradg3tto LrrwyoE Mediator.

fEnEEt Make the decision thatit is tirne to get out of sNo ltan'sland' and schedule lrour tstsession of ltiedtatton to get thepaoGess starterf, rtght out oC theO'rlenta6on, bfing your booklethorne anal firl it out, bring lt witblror to lrour llfst appointnenG

FOUnt Meet together with yourMediator artd start creat6ng yourdivorce .grecnenq statting ffrstx'ith your parenfng plant larrilyand or epousal i|lpportt debts andassets distribuiionr then any andall other t'€r|incnt i$ues.

trfYE: TYlren yorr Mernorandm iscornpleter you will thcn rncct aIxvorce Attomeyr who rvil| draftlrour papcrwork fot you.

8[X: A6end the mandatofy par.eilEng class at the courthouse.

SEYEI{s Patrerworh gets submltted to the courts and ls cornple@when the iudge stg[s the decreethen yort wait fo! the ludge tosigrthe paD€rwork.

l. We promise to educote. Everycouple will be given enough infor-mation to feel comfortable in

making decisions.

2. We will provide o level ploying fieldto ensure that every thoughgperspective and idea will be heard

and given the merit it deserves.

3. We will provide creotivity. givingevery couple as many options andways to reach a satisfring and

effective agreement.

We promise to help our clients balancethe need for separation with the need toachieve their common goals. We promiseto keep in mind that taking good care of

the children is our main goal-

The JudgesCorner

DEALING WITH THE LE.GAL SYSTEM: When a couoledecides to let a court of law makethe decisions on how their asserswill be split or how the childrenwill be handled, they need to be

aware of what to expect..

Parties in a divorce should realizethat although there are statutesthat govern how ludges rule oncertain issues, a iudge has discre-tion on applying those statutes ona case by case basis. The outcomeof a divorce depends largely onthe Judge that hears the case, theattorneys that are trying the case

and the day that it is heard

Judges hear all kinds of differentcases. Judges &enerally preferdivorce cases the least. They arethe most difficult in terms of

stress and insuring fair outcomes.

Studies have shown lf you were tolet 5 Judges hear the exact samecase separately you would likelyget 5 different verdicts. lt is safeto say that coun licigated divorces

are not an exact science.

lf a couple is so polarized they cannot atree on anything, the/should try to Jind a level playingfield, even if they have to use aprofessional mediator. The agree-ments they reach will be betterbecause they were able to tailor itto their specific situation which inturn will help them to be more

incl ined to keep their agreemenm.

Remember the more contro l youcan keeo of the situation the bet-rer chance you have in getting anagreement that is fair and rhar youcan live with. Try to get as muchagreement as fou c*n before

rely ing on aJudge.

Alimony:To Be Or Not To Be?Alimony awarded prior to thedivorce is cal led pendente l i teal imony. l t is taxable incometo the recipient and tax de-ductible to the payer.

At the t ime of the divorce, i falimony is awarded it can beone or a combinat ion of the

following:

Permanent: This type ofal imony is to be paid unt i l e i therthe death of the payor, or theremarr iage of the recip ient .Some agreements may include a"cohabi tat ion" c lause that suresa l imony ends when t he rec i p i en tcohabi ts wi th another person inrhe avo idance o f Ma r r i r ce

Lump sum: This type ofal imony is a one t ine payment ofa l imony i ns tead o f pe r i od i c(usual ly weekly or monthly)payments. Lump sum al imony,

l us t l i l <e a l l o rhe r a l imony . i staxable, so be sure to consurrwi th a CPA exper ienced in d i -vorce to determine the tax con-sequences of th is rype of pay-ment pr ior to agreeing to i t .

Temporary: This type ofal imony lasts for a speci f ic per iodof t ime, and may be awardedwhen rhe persons involved areon almost equal ground, but dueto cef ta in c i rcumstances oneperson may need f inancia l assis-tance in order to "get on theirT e e t

Rehabi l i tat ive: This type ofal imony is the most commonlyawarded al imony. l t is awardedin a s i tuat ion where the recip ientis younger, or able to eventual lyenter or return to the work-force and become f inancia l ly sel fsupport ing. Rehabi l i tat ive al i -mony may include payments forthe educat ion necessary to en-able the recip ient to become sel fs u P P o r r t n gKeep in mind that i f you areawarded any rype of a l imony i twi l l cease upon death of thepayor. l t is a good idea to inc ludel i fe and disabi l i ty insurance pol icyin an amount suf f ic ient to replacethe al imony. Because you have

an insurable interest in the personbeing insured you are able to buythe pol icy yoursel f . This could bemoney wel l spent in the eventthat l i fe and disabi l i ty insuranceare not part of your agreement.Every state has its own criteria fordetermining the need and extentof a l imony. Utah laws al low thecourt to consider faul t whena w a r d i n g a l i m o n y .

l . The f inancia l condi t ion and

needs of the recip ient spouse.

2. The recip ient 's earning capaci ty

or abi l i ty to produce income.

3. The abi l i ty of the payor

spouse to provide support .

4. The length of the marr iage.

5. Whether the recip ient spousehas custody of minor chi ldren

requir ing support .

6. Whether the recip ient spouseworked in a business owned or

operated by the payor spouse.

7. Whether the recip ient spousedirect ly contr ibuted to any rn-crease in the payor spouse's s l< i l lby paying for educat ion receivedby the payor spouse or a l lowingthe payor spouse to at tend school

dur ing the marr iage.

8. In a marr iage of shorr durat ion,where no chi ldren have beenconceived or born dur ing themarr iage, the court may considerrestor ing each party to the condi-t ion which existed at the t ime of

marnase.

9. where a marr iage of long dura-t ion dissolves on the threshold ofa major change in the income ofone of the spouses due to thecollective effor-ts of both. lf onespouse's earning capaci ty has beengreat ly enhanced through theefforts of both spouses during themarr iage, the court may make acomPensat ing adjustment in

awarding al imony.

In addi t ion to the above, the judge

may consider ANY economiccircumstances of either party thatthey ( the judge) deem to be just

or ProPer.

The amount of a l imony paymentsis general ly calculated based on

the above considerat ions.

As with any other aspect of yourdivorce, i f possib le i t is a lways bestto negotiate alimony rather thanhave a judge arbi t rar i ly determine i fyour s i tuat ion is one that wi l l in-c lude al imony. and how much wi l l

be awarded.

Reprinted with permission fromwww.Divorcehq.com

UIAH COURTS SAY THtSr ::ii:t;

The court may, under appro- ,,t,tpriate circumstances, attempt ito equalize the part ies' respec-tive standards of living. As ageneral rule, the court wi l llook at the standard of living ,exist ing ar the r ime of separa-t ion in determining al imony.

However, the couft may con-sider al l relevant facrs and equi-table principles and may, in i tsdiscretion, base alimony on the ?standard of living rhat exisred

tat the t ime of rr ial .

In marriages of short duration,when no chi ldren have beenconceived or born during the *marriage, the court may con-sider the standard of living that ;existed at the t ime of the mar-

riage.

Think about Alimony before asking ;.for it, Be- tcausenota fairess. lfdecidewhataretotoover,wi l t

it is iialways lproc- *

/ou !i t i s ;you iigoing !courtfightYouhave a

better chance working it out inmediar ion.

The negative issue with alimony

Payments is the detrimental effectit has on a parenting plan. Alimonyarguments will cause some seriousproblems among divorced couples.A monthly a l imony check means amonthly corwersation wich your ex-spouse about an issue that usual lycreates conflicc. Your kids will see

it and your kids will feel it.

State Law H.8.4 Section 39: Mediation

The new H.B. 4 Section 39 law was the best thing to happen

to divorcing couples in the state of Utah.

The following are some of the reasons why Mediation be-

came required by law:

o Cost-effective.

r Structured to focus on common interests.

r Parties directly participate in finding solutions to the

issues in d isoute.

r Encourages collaborative problem solving.

o Promotes relationships that will end the process with abetter relationship with a former spouse for the sake

of the chi ldren.

o Relieves the pressure of having to hire attorney's.

H.B. 4 Section 39: DIVORCE

MEDIATION PROGM/T4.

Divorce is very stressful, why make itmore difficult than it really needs tobe! Below are some reasons that wenow want to Mediate instead of Liti-

gate.

l. Divorce can make people feellike they haye to compete wirh

each other.

2. Divorce can make people feellike they have to give disparagingremarks against each other in

court.

3. Divorce can make people feel

like there is a battle to be won.

4. Divorce can make people want

to hurt and punish each other.

5. Divorce can make people forget

that there are children Dresent.

6. Makes people spend money

they do not have.

You are oble to find the bill listed in the

Seaion 30-3-39. Utoh Code Annototed lg53

The mediotion progrom reods os follows: ( I )There is estoblished o mondotorv domesticmediotion Progrom to help reduce the timeond tensions ossocioted with obtoining odivorce. (2) lf, ofter the filing of on onswer too comploint of divorce, there ore ony remoin-ing contested issues, the porties sholl portici-pote in good foith in ot leost one session ofmediotion. (3) The porties sholl use o medio-tor quolified to mediote domestic disputesunder criterio estoblished by the JudiciolCouncil in occordonce y/ith Section 78-3 I b-5.(4) Unless otherwise ordered by the court orthe porties ogree upon o different paymentorrongement, the cost ofthe mediation shollbe divided equolly between the porties. (5)The director of dispute resolution progroms

for the courts or the mediotor moy excuseeither porty from the requirement to mediote

for good couse. 6) Mediotion sholl be con-duaed in occordonce with the Utoh Rules of

Court-Annexed Alternotive Disbute Resolution.

The Mondotory Divorce Mediotion Require-ment odvises thot the mediotor who performsthe mediation must be o quolified DomesticDivorce Mediotor on the Alternotive Disbute

Resolution Court Roster.

12. Disparagingremarks,

13. Extended family rela-

t ion ships,

New partners,

M a i n t a i n -ing/encouraging con-tact between parents,

and

16. Relocating.

Chances are, if the parties canadequately address these is-sues in a cooperative environ-ment, they will achieve a par-enting plan that eases the painthat inevitably occurs withchi ldren of divorces, while atthe same time fulfilling the law

recurrements.

Visitation is Converted to "The Parenting Plan"The parenting plan - is the newprogram that the Legislature cre-ated to eliminate the guessing gamethat happens with the visitation(Parent ing-Time) of the chi ldren.It's designed to ensure that divorc-ing parents fully understand the

I ramifications of a co-parentingsituation. We provide the frame-work necessary to create an effec-tive parenting plan, so that theparenrs can lmplemenr it. Faren6who wish to share joint custody oftheir kids now have to define it forthe Court, and each other, howexactly they intend to co-parent

their chi ldren.

The required parenting planmust provide for the child's physicalcare and emotional stability, and hisor her changing needs as the chi ldgrows and matures, designate theauthority and responsibilities ofeach parent with respect to suchissues as the child's residence, edu-cation, health care and religiousupbr inging, minimize the chi ld 's

exDosure to conflict between theparents, encourage resolution ofparental conflicts outside the judi-

cial system and protect the bestinterests of the child. What's not

to l ike?

"EYen though we couldnot be a good Husband& Wife, lt does notmean that we cannot

be a good Mom & Dad"

With the assistance of a trainedmediator, the parties can controltheir own destiny and act in the

best interests of their children --

instead of trying to fit into the legalparadigm imposed by the court.Divorcing parents must develop aplan that addresses the followingissues:

l . Chi ld's residence,

2. Parenting time,

3. Transporting the childrenbetween homes.

Decision making process,Exchange of informationbetween parents,

Financial obligations,

Medical insurance and ex-penses,

Child care,

Changing needs of the chi l-dren,

Differences in parentingstyles,

Consistency in raising chil-dren,

14 .

t 5 .

4.

5.

8.

9.

eTW lffi^*

Divorce: TheThree Feor Foctors

0f all the major decisions that canaffect a person\ life, certainly divorcewould be ranked one of the highest.After all, everything we have or thatbrings us joy in this life can be catego-rized into family or possessions and fewevents affect these tr,vo things like adivorce can. lt is easy to see whydivorce causes so much $rers in a per-

sont life.

I have listened to hundreds ofquestions that divorcing couples haveuked me regarding what to expect in adivorce. I have determined that most 0fthe questions that are asked are a resultof one of three concerns. I have labeledthese concerns the "Ihree lear fiactors"By far the most common concern aperson has in a divorce is "Am I going toget a fair deall" The second biggest fearpeople have is "How much will thisdivorce costl" and the third biggest learpeople have is "llow long will my Divorcetake?" I would like to talk about these 3fear facton in detail and suggest someideas to try and minimire these fears.

tverybody knows somebody who got"screwed" in a divorce. In fact I think ilyou talked to any penon who wentthrough a divorce and asked them aboutthe out(ome you would be hard pressedto find anybody who war overjoyed at theoutcome and felt they got a fair rhake.

"As soon os o personturns their divorce overto the legol system, theymight os well toke their

chonces in Wendover"

Either they feh that the custody orvisitation wu unfairly awarded by thejudge, or they feh that they should havenot had to pay so much alimony ormaybe they should have been entitled tomore equity in the home.

The fears people lace on how fairthe outcome will be are very real ano canbe a great cause of stress.

To appreciate this fear, one mustunderstand the process of how a litigateddivorce works. In a litigated divorce yolhave a Petitioner (the penon who initi-ates the divorce process) and the Respon-dent. Ihey both hire an attorney to

represent them and pay that attorney t0try and persuade a judge in a way thatwill get them the best deal possible.l(eep in mind, the attorneys do not makeany of the linal decisions, only a judgecan do that. That attorney will use theexisting laws and guidelines to build acase and present that case t0 the judge.Sometimes that means the aftorney notonly has to make their client look goodbut also has to make their clientt spouselook bad.

ilow it should aho be mentionedhow |udges feel about divorce cases. Ibelieve it is safe to say that divorce caserare the least favorite type of cases that ajudge likes to hear. lt was Chief JusticeHowe that said, "Ihe current legal lystemis ill suited for family law issues." He saidthat judges hate to tell people how theirkids should be parented, and hate makingrulings on who gets to keep the lavalamp! That is why judges repeatedly rellrepresenting att0rneys to tell their dientsto mediate 0r settle 0utside the court-r00m.

lf a penon wants to have anycontrol on the outcom€ of their divorceand how fair h will be then a courtroomis not the place to roll the dice. Iheoutcome of a divorce deoends on theattorney one gets, the judge one ge$,and the interpretation of cunent laws bythat judge on that day. }|ow much moneyand time a penon has to spend will alsoaffect the quality of reprerentation theircase gets. That is simply the fact!

lf this sounds like the stock marueror a game of dans, itt because it is.The disadvantage of the litigation processis nro fold. first, a penon gives allrontrol of all that is precious to them toan attorney and a judge. Win, lose, ordraw they still get paid. Secondll peopleare at the mercy o{ so many intangibhsthat it makes it impossible to predictacrurate 0utc0m€s.

lo the question becomer, how ran aperson increase their chance of getting afair outcome in a divorcel The answer iskeeping connol of the divorce decisions.As soon as a person turns it over to thelegal system, they might as well rake theirrhancer in Wendover. I will talk later o{how people can keep the rontrol of theirdivorce and minimize this fear, but first Iwill address the fear of "How much willthis divorce costl"

I do not know of any {ormal re-search done on the average cost oflitigated divorce but I have read manyartkles that claim that $15.000 was theaverage cost per person. This of counedepends on two things; how much theattorney charges and how long it willtake. l'lost attorneys ask for an up frontretainer fee. I have seen these rangeanywhere from $500.00 to $10,000dollars. The attornel then begins to workon the (ase and draws {rom that retainer.lf the money runs out then the attomelmay ask to allow them to lien the hometo guarantee the fee. The bottom line isthe amount a litigated divorce costr isnever known until the judge signs the0ecree.

In a mediated divorce you pay aflat fee uo front. Ihis fee is determinedby the mediators based on the complexityof the divorce. Rarely do the fees exceed$3.500.00 total and most of the time canbe handled for less than $2.000.00 and$400-$500 mediations are not uncommon.This ir total, not per person. "l have seengood mediators save divorcing couplesthousands of dollars and help them reachmuch better agreements with parentingand financial issues...the outcome ismuch better than court" (6aynne khnidfanrly kw aftorney in hlt lake Cit7l.Ihe advantage of this concept is it allowsthe couple to come to each sessionfocused on getting a fair agreement. lf itwere done on an hourly buis there wouldbe a tendency to want to rush theprocess to save money. Ihat could meana bad agreement. lf the mediators areany good, they should be willing tocharge a flat fee.

This fee will aho usually include theuse of "Divorce Specialists." lf a divorcehas complex issues like pensions andequity in a home or retirements then themediators will bring in a specialist in thatarea. lor instance, a [ertified financialDivorce Planner or a Mortgage lpecialistor Health lnsurance Soecialist. Theseparties can ensure the couple is educatedwhen making decisions.

The third biggest fear people havewhen going through a divorce is "How

long will it takel" lt is easy to under-stand why this is such an issue. Peoplein general want to avoid conflict and havepeace in their life.

l{othing disrupts peace in a penonslife more than a divorce. lt is natural to

want t0 "get back to normal" as J00n aspossibh. lt effects your productivity atwork, your relationships with friends andfamily and if you have children, a longdrawn out divorce can be devutating. lt isnot uncommon for a moderately complexdivorce to last l2-18 months in a counsetting. l'lany last over 3 yearu. This isplain foolishness!

The reason that a litigated divorcela$s so long is for two reasons. The fintreaJon you can do nothing to change (unlessyou mediate your divorce) and rhat is youare at the merq of the courts availability.There are over 1500 divorces or modifica-tions filed each month in the state of Utah.Ihe courts are clogged with cases andgetting a court date can take months. Thetecond reason is simph-the more disagree-ment in a divorce the longer it will take.

As mentioned before. mediation h aproven alternative to litigation which candlow a divorcing couple to get thcir armsaround these fean and make them muchmore manageable. l,lediation gives thecontrol back to the couple and still givesthem the usunnce that bI using mediatonthat have crtensive tnining in hmil lawhsues and experiencc in conflict resolution.tiel can rtill reach an agreement that h hirand legalll binding. Ihis process h consid-erabf less money than the litigatcd divorceand can be completed in week instead ofmonth! or yeen.

Divorce is a scary thing, but timeshave changed and there are many more

options available to couples that can mini-mire these fean and allow couoles to moveon with their lives and be productive andnappy.

The Mediotion news/etter should not Deconstrued as legol odvke or legol opinionon ony specific focts or circumstonces.Ihe contents ore intended for generolinfomotion only ond you ore odvised toconsuh with competent legol counsel foryout choice regording ony motter of

interest discussed herein or specifrc legot

Working it out: Mediation Brings Peace to Conflict-continued from page 2

"When both parties beginto hear each other's sidesthen they are able to geta better picture of whatneeds to happen"

Consider these very wise l0 tips from theBest Selling Book, "Your Divorce Advisor"

bv Diana Mercer and Marsha Kline Pruitt.

l. Divide your personal property withoutthe help of your lawyer or the court.Unless domestic violence is involved, it'snot cost-effective to use lawyers or thecourt's time to divide vour furniture andpersonal belongings. By the time you'vefought about it, you could've purchased all

new things!

2. Make an inventory of your householditems, and decide what you'd like from rnelisting each item's priority.

3. Speak with your spouse (again, provideddomestic violence is not involved) aboutwhat he or she would like from theinventory, Are there items which you can

agree uponl lf so, that part is seftled.

4. fry and divide thlnts based on what youboth... actually need. €ourts rarely awardmoney in lieu of a share of personalproperty, so unless you and your spouseagree on a buy-out for a specific item (oreven the whole house full of furniture), youwill receiv€ personal property, not cash

5. lf you can't agree on how to divide yourlist of items, try flipping a coin, or drawintstmws. One person picks tirst, the othersecond. and so on.

6. Try and divide the items sensibly. lf yourspouse has the children 75% of the time,maybe they should ger the Nintendo. lf youneed a computer for your business, that maytake precedence oyer your child's desire touse the internet.

7. Gift items from family members ordinarilygo back to the spouse to whom they were

given. Grandma's hope chest goes to her

trandchild, not her ex-gnndchild-in-law.

8. Gift items between the two of you go tothe oritinal recipient. You don't get backthe diamond Valentine's oendant from| 995 just because you're splitting up now.

9. lf pets are involved, try and make yourjudgment based on where the pet is betteroff, Does your spouse have a shofterworkday, while you work 14 hoursstraightl Fido probably needs Mlks moreoften than you can realistically provide.

10. lf it won't matter in 5 years, let it go.Are you too focused on a few specificitems that won't change your lifel Maybeeach item is a symbol for somethint.

Personal Coachingz"My Style of Coachingl I give it to you stroight"

How DoWe Split Our Stuff? l0 tips on Property SettlementsWhen splitting your stulT, there is nowinning. There are only degrees oflosinS,

"Divorce today is move,

counter-move, thrust ,

counter- thrust , every

twisted, distorted, sick

thing people could do -

they do to each other in a

-Attorney Raoul Felder, Prominent New

York Attorney

I Give it to You Straight, 100% of the time

lf I am sure of the situation l'l l give specific suggestions about how to handle a prob-lem. lf l 'm sure, l' l l say so. My advice is to take the best things I say and apply it.

I Catch Incongruent and Conversation Activity

lf I catch something incongruent or sense that you are not feeling so great aboutsomething, I will ask you about it. My objective is to shed some light on things andhelp you see things more clearly.

I Believe and Expect that You are Taking Action

I like to think that our coaching will expand your capacity to obtain results. I usuallyask each client to come up with 2-3 objectives to accomplish between visits. you willalso come up with action steps. lf it 's too much, just say so.

I Ask You to Use Coaching Rather than Depend On lt

As your coach, I am a resource for you to use to your advantage: I have stores ofideas, patience, and strength for you. I ask that you use out partnership to the full-est rather than depend on it.

Areas of Preoaration:

Get ready to set objectives that really matter to you.

Get ready to actively take action now in your objectives.

Gear up to set objectives that will stretch but not break you.

Be wil l ing to experiment fresh approaches.

Be open to change the parts of your life that need changing.

Be willing to remove the things that don't work for you anymore.

Be ready to have FUN.

Enjoy using the gifts you have now to enjoy life NOW.

Ready yourself to become the person you know you can be.

Open yourself up to a new possibi l i t ies and new ways of thinking.

Prepare yourself for good honest talk and creative solutions for growth.

Meet outr MedLators Mediation:Why itWorksMrs. Shir ley Paooin

Founder and Master Mediator ofThe Divorce Medidim Insll0rteof

t tah

Shir ley Pappin is the founder ofthe Divorce Mediat ion lnst i tuteof Utah

Shir ley has achieved al l the re-quirements to pract ice mediat ion; she is a member ofAssociation of Conflict Resolution and is currently beingreviewed for Advanced Practioner status. She also volun-teered on the Utah Council of Conflict Resolution whenthe organization was in its infancy. Shirley is a MasterMediator and is on the court roster with the third dis-trict court in Salt Lake City. While Shirley has taken therequired classes for mortgage officers she upholds theethical standards of not mingl ing any f inancia l deal ingswith mediation clients. Beyond that, Shirley has servedon the board of directors for the House of Hooe. Awomen and chi ldren faci l i ty to help drug and alcoholaddicted mothers into a life of sobriety. She has workedin f inance, specia l iz ing in help ing s ingle mothers applyfor and get loans through a qual i f ied mortgage specia l is tto become f inancia l ly independent. Once a divorcee andsingle mother hersel f , Shir ley has the abi l i ty to helpassess the needs of both male and female c l ients and tohelp them f ind solut ions to their present s i tuat ion. Inaddi t ion she works wi th the couple to help them under-stand the dynamics of a co-parent ing re lat ionship andhelps them redef ine the fami ly.Shirley has completed over 6000 mediation sessions.She brings experience, mediation theory and practical

appl icat ion to her approach. She is a preferred mediatorand an asset to the orofession.She lives in Draper Utah where she is a devoted wife andmother of four chi ldren, which are her greatest achieve-ment. She is act ive in her local communitv and in herchurch.

Mr. Daniel Bass

Master Mediator

Dan began his career as a tr iallawyer in Florida in 1968, afterreceiving his undergraduateand law degree from the Uni-versity of Florida. He stoppedpracticing law in L993 when hebecame cert i f ied by the Florida

Supreme Court as a Family Mediator and the nextyear as a Cert i f ied Mediator in al l civi l matters. Danwas elected to the Florida House of Representativesin \972. He was the youngest member elected to theLegislature, at that time. Dan has mediated over 4000cases. He has been a lecturer, mediat ion panelist,presenter at Mediat ion seminars and taught coursesin mediat ion. Dan was the past President of the Asso-ciat ion of South Florida Mediators. Now Dan is a Mas-ter Mediator in Utah and is listed on the Court Rosterof approved mediators. He is married and has twochildren and two grandchildren.

Mediation works because it provides Perspective,

Creativity, and finally a Level Playing Field.

Perspective:

Separating from our partners affects every aspect ofour lives and rocks the foundation of our entire being.Unexpectedly, the kindest woman may become a ragingbull, or the most generous man may start lying and hidinghis money. Good mothers and fathers suddenly break allthe rules, coming late for visits with their children andbad mouthing their ex in front of INNOCENT ears. Thebest-intentioned people may become vengeful and willingto give everything up to lawyer's rather than succumb totheir enemy's wishes. The divorcing couple can be restassured that each perspective will be heard in a safe

environment and will be considered into their agreement.

-quoted by Debbie Ford, Spirituol Divorce

Creativity:

As mediators we are able to bring to the table experi-ence from subsequent divorces. With the experiencethat we have, it's unlikely that there is anything that can

be thrown at us that we haven't seen before.

In addition, we as mediators are able to include ex-perts in tax, finance, mortgage and business to ioin themediation session which is beneficial because it helps tooffer information and solutions. This gives couples solidinformation in making decisions today that will affect the

rest of their lives.

Level Playing Field:

This is probably the most overlooked but most im-Dortant area of mediation. There is an extreme amountof anxiety and possible mistrust that is generated at thetime of a divorce. Making sure that neither spouse over-powers the other with emotional or financial control is

critical.

Good mediators can ascertain each person's underly-ing interest verses their exterior positions and address

that interest while keeping the playing field level.

No one wants or likes to be taken advantage of. lt's amediator's responsibility to help make sure both partiesare being fair and equitable with each other. Having a

good mediator helps ensure that this can happen.

We are acutely aware of body language. Welisten intently to verbal and non-verbal clues that may

need to be brought out and addressed.

For instance, if we are discussing alimony, we willwatch and listen closely to each party to determine thelevel of willingness or unwillingness. Perhaps there seemsno resistance on the part of the husband to pay alimonybut when an amount is mentioned that exceeds his ex-pectation he may be hesitant to verbalize it for fear ofpolarizing his wife. He then will becomes fidgety and maymake the comment "l don't know how I can even pay

rent now."

At that point we will often call a caucus. This iswhere we will ask for a short break to visit with eachspouse individually. This is a time when we can furtherdiscuss our options and redirect the alimony payment to

how much needs to be paid.

The mediator has the ability to handle all the aspects

and dynamics of a mediation session.

-Written by Shnley Poppin, Founder ond Moster Mediotor

The Divorce Mediotion lnstitute of Utoh

FINALNOTE

Even though we are

Divorce Mediators weare not advocates of

divorce, we also like toSAVE

Marriages!

Try....IIARRIAGE

COMMUMCATION

COACHING....

Helps couples resolve conflicttogether.

karn the communication dif-ferences between men &women.

Overcome habits of the past.

Learn the power ofthe non-verbal communication.

Gain the skills to saywhatneeds to be said, when it needsto be said.

a

a

Helpful HintsWhen choosing a mediator there are three important factors:

l. Utah Court Roster-only use mediators who are listed and

recognized on the Utah Courts Roster.

2. Experience-make sure they have many hours of experience. Notevery mediator has the experience necessary to help resolve your issues.

3. Master Mediator Certification-your mediator should be a certified

Master Mediator

Phone: 801-568-0789Toll Free 1-866-WE AGREEHotline: 801-483-4111

Fax: 801-957-0756

www.we -ag ree . co m

f f i l _ f f i :