Copyright ©2018 Brenda Williams...2018/07/07 · According to the National Science Foundation, we...

Copyright ©2018 Brenda Williams

www.BrendaWilliamsAcademy.com 714.283.1186 [email protected]



Book By: Brenda Williams, A World Of Opportunity CEO, Coach and International Speaker “Congratulations on embarking on a journey that will offer you the valuable tools necessary to become an extraordinary communicator and an ideal leader of yourself. Once you read this book, your life will be forever changed, and you will be empowered with a new perspective on how to reach your peak performance and create the life you want.” ~ Brenda Williams Welcome: Communication is a powerful force that shows up in all facets of our lives. From the time you wake up in the morning until the time you go to bed, you are communicating. According to the National Science Foundation, we have over 50,000 thoughts per day. Ninety-five percent of these thoughts are repeated daily and reflect the mindset, or beliefs we hold that lead to those 50,000 thoughts. We lead and guide ourselves daily via our internal communication, and then we build relationships via our external communication. Since our internal dialogue drives our external communication, it is essential that we are consciously aware of what we are telling ourselves and how we process the information we receive from others. In short, if you have a mindset that limits your potential, then you will likely accept limited results in your life. That is why the first crucial step to becoming an effective communicator is to understand your internal dialogue. This book will provide you with a unique opportunity to become self-aware of your subconscious thoughts and beliefs. The journey will enable you to take note of your inner most thoughts and beliefs and discover how they can help or hinder you. You will uncover the hidden obstacles that are standing in the way of having everything you want in life, and learn how to master this information towards positive change. The second step to becoming an effective communicator is to become acutely aware of how the rest of the world is viewing you. Understanding the true perceptions others have of you makes a huge difference in objectively determining how you decide to present yourself and how you choose to respond to the various experiences in life. And, your emotional intelligence and communication skills have everything to do with how you are perceived.



Once you embark on this self-mastery process, you will discover that it is possible to change your perceptions and internal dialogue, thereby enhancing your external communication skills and thus, attaining more positive interactions and results. I invite you to take this opportunity to truly embrace what you love about yourself and discover what modifications can be made to create more inner peace, happiness and success in your life.

About Brenda Williams: Brenda Williams is a CEO, Coach and International Speaker, specializing in personal and professional development. She is recognized by many institutions including the International Coach Federation (ICF) and the Institute for Professional Excellence in Coaching (IPEC) declaring her a Certified Professional Coach and Energy Leadership Master Practitioner.

For over 25 years, Brenda Williams has been well-respected, providing coaching, consulting and training to individuals, teams and businesses. Her focus is on leadership development and emotional intelligence, creating a Self-Mastery System that leads to progressive communication skills and extraordinary relationships. She helps individuals and organizations make critical changes in their behavior, mindset and skills — leading to Laser Focused Results and Transformational Change. Globally she is known as a well-rounded leader and sought after speaker who empowers people to make concrete adaptations to their personal and professional communication skills. Brenda is a contributing writer to E Magazine for Today's Female Executive, she regularly appears on global webinars and national radio shows such as NBC News Radio, Universal Broadcasting Network and OC Talk Radio. For more information on how to contact, please visit: www.BrendaWilliamsA.com



1. Look in the Mirror 2. Mindset Shift 3. Remove Hidden Obstacles 4. Active Listening – Listen To Understand 5. Questioning Techniques 6. Set Healthy Boundaries 7. Difficult Conversations



Look in the Mirror “Watch your thoughts, for they become words. Watch your words, for they become actions. Watch your actions, for they become habits. Watch your habits, for they become character. Watch your character, for it becomes your destiny." -- Ralph Waldo Emerson While looking in the mirror might offer some challenges it is an effort that will provide a transformational process to reaching for your greatness, discovering your passion and learning more about yourself than you ever imagined. It is a life changing experience.

Who Are You? As children we learn a lot of “stuff,” some of which are skills that help us become exceptional human beings. This “stuff” is our belief system. Your personal belief system is made up of all the previous knowledge, experience and precepts that govern your thoughts, words, behaviors and actions. By the time we are 18, we have formed a solid belief system that will dictate much of our personal direction in life. It is crucial to become aware of these beliefs since they drive our internal dialogue and can limit us if we are not

consciously aware of how we are letting them impact our daily choices. Research across many disciplines including physics, neurology, psychology and education have shown that your beliefs, or mind-set, is formed by the combined interaction of habitual thoughts and the corresponding images and emotions they illicit. More importantly, it appears that once your thoughts and emotions have become habitual, they form a neural network that keeps the mind-set habitually in place. Keeping you, literally, on automatic. The good news is, although we may have let our inner beliefs dictate who we are until now, these beliefs are simply internal opinions. With a conscious effort, we can shift gears and change any of these restrictive beliefs into positive ones with amazing results -- unlocking new potential.



Later we will examine the common Four Energy Blocks, and determine how these may be keeping you in automatic, rather than moving forward towards your true destiny. During this discovery process, there is a crucial step that you should take. Practice releasing any self-judgment of yourself as well as judgment of others. Our past is our past and once we learn to live in acceptance vs. resistance then our journey begins to become much more joyful and a lot less stressful. Once you embrace this thought process you will be clear on how life’s lessons have taught us valuable tools and skills that we can learn from. Life is a journey and if we choose to look in our mirror and discover who we have become we can keep what we love and change what we choose to change. This is how exceptional people in the world reach for their greatness and become amazing and extraordinary people. It is a game changer and an opportunity to “Create the Life You Want” and become the person that you want to be.



Mindset Shift Think New Thoughts “I have been through some terrible things in my life, some of which actually happened.” —Mark Twain Improving the tenor of our thoughts may seem to be a modern idea, but as Twain’s quote indicates, the fact that we can make our own misery by what we dwell upon is an age-old concern. Take a moment to answer the following questions: 1. I am open to change. o Strongly Disagree o Disagree o Neither Agree Nor Disagree o Agree o Strongly Agree 2. I am willing to stand up for an idea. o Strongly Disagree o Disagree o Neither Agree Nor Disagree o Agree o Strongly Agree 3. I do not act impulsively when I am under pressure. o Strongly Disagree o Disagree o Neither Agree Nor Disagree o Agree o Strongly Agree 4. I make decisions that are consistent with my values. o Strongly Disagree o Disagree o Neither Agree Nor Disagree o Agree o Strongly Agree



5. I treat others with respect. o Strongly Disagree o Disagree o Neither Agree Nor Disagree o Agree o Strongly Agree 6. I am able to admit when I am wrong. o Strongly Disagree o Disagree o Neither Agree Nor Disagree o Agree o Strongly Agree 7. I enjoy challenges. o Strongly Disagree o Disagree o Neither Agree Nor Disagree o Agree o Strongly Agree 8. I am aware of other people’s moods. o Strongly Disagree o Disagree o Neither Agree Nor Disagree o Agree o Strongly Agree 9. I keep promises. o Strongly Disagree o Disagree o Neither Agree Nor Disagree o Agree o Strongly Agree 10. I am able to handle multiple demands. o Strongly Disagree o Disagree o Neither Agree Nor Disagree



o Agree o Strongly Agree 11. I am open and honest when presenting myself to others. o Strongly Disagree o Disagree o Neither Agree Nor Disagree o Agree o Strongly Agree 12. I am energetic. o Strongly Disagree o Disagree o Neither Agree Nor Disagree o Agree o Strongly Agree This above quiz is a good exercise in taking a moment to examine how your mindset can reflect in the ways you are interacting with those around you. If some of your answers surprise you, all you may need is a new perspective on your mindset. Is Your Mindset Working to Your Advantage or Holding You Back? When facing a new challenge, do you react with confidence, knowing that with time, effort and practice you can succeed? Or do you find yourself questioning your abilities, talent and motivation? Do you view failure as simply part of the process? Or do you avoid challenges in order to preserve your pride? When you encounter setbacks and criticism, do you recalibrate and persevere or simply give up to save face? How a person interprets and answers those questions gives insight into what type of mindset he or she has. In her book Mindset, Stanford University psychologist Carol Dweck identifies two general mindsets: fixed and growth.



Fixed Mindset • Talent and intelligence is static • It's better to avoid challenges • It's okay (even preferable) to quit before failure • Effort is pointless • Ignores useful criticism and feedback • Views success of others as a threat Growth Mindset • Talent and intelligence can be developed • Embraces challenges to grow • Failure is an opportunity for learning • Effort leads to mastery and success • Uses criticism and feedback to improve • Finds inspiration and learning from the success of others. It’s easy to tell

someone to develop a growth mindset, but, if mindset is so deeply engrained, how does a person change it?

Here Are Six Simple Mindset Shifts for Improving Success: 1. Embrace failure instead of avoiding it. The faster the failure, the quicker the learning. Before starting his auto manufacturing company, Henry Ford failed at his first several businesses. What would the industrial landscape look like had he given up after his first try? Remember, embracing failure also means success can arrive that much sooner. 2. Think abundance instead of scarcity. When it comes to spending money on self-improvement, many people resist due to cost. But clients and customers are attracted to people who believe in and value themselves. Instead of thinking of personal growth as an expense, think of it as an investment in your future. 3. Embrace challenges. People who have a mindset of "growth" realize that challenges are just opportunities in disguise, and they choose to actively seek them out. 4. Use setbacks as learning opportunities. No matter how thorough the plan, no matter how well-executed the details, obstacles will surface. Besides, who can predict with any real accuracy what setbacks will occur? Instead of wasting energy trying to prevent the unknown, why not just face obstacles as they show up? 5. Don't take it personally. Sometimes the best opportunities for personal and professional growth come from leveraging harsh criticism and negative feedback. How well do you listen to your customers' and clients' complaints?



6. Stop re-inventing the wheel. Instead of resenting successful people for what they have accomplished, look to them to learn how they did it and turn that to your advantage. Incorporating these simple, strategic shifts in mindset provides opportunities to experience not only tangible results (i.e., the bottom line), they also go a long way to shoring up determination, building self-confidence and encouraging action, productivity and fulfillment. How Do We Change Our Thoughts? 1. Become Aware of Your Thoughts We have to know what we’re actually thinking in order to intervene. Sit in a comfortable position and focus on your breath as it flows in and out. As thoughts arise, notice them, and then return your attention to your breathing. Do this for 20 minutes once or twice a day. It may sound simple, but awareness, purely by itself, effects subtle changes that grow. 2. Acknowledge Your Feelings When you find yourself thinking something unhelpful, perhaps imagining losing your job, acknowledge your fear and worry. Even if you’re magnifying the problem, your fears are likely based on actual possibilities or events. They deserve your respect. 3. Soothe Yourself and Imagine Something Better Once you acknowledge your feelings, they may shift on their own, but in any case, say something soothing to yourself while reaching for a better thought or scenario that you actually believe. If you don’t really believe it, you won’t create a genuine impact. For instance, you might recall your healthy savings account and remind yourself, “If I lose my job, I’ll be fine for six months. Financial experts say that’s a good enough cushion for job hunting.” Notice the relief you now feel. 4. Keep Going Now escalate your better-feeling thoughts by reaching for an even better positive thought. You might consider the wealth of your experience, your great contacts, or that, gosh, you’ve always wanted to travel. You might get to a place where you can say—and believe—“I don’t want to lose my job, but if I do, I could travel and then return and find an even better job!”



In a short amount of time, your fear has transformed into hopeful excitement. When you practice this technique, you demonstrate to yourself that regardless of what happens in your life, you’ll be able to thrive. Let’s tie this back to communication. How you communicate internally will affect you verbally. From the time you wake up in the morning your internal communication will make a difference. Tomorrow morning observe your first thoughts of the day. Are you the type of person that wakes up excited and enthusiastic or possibly tired and thinking about the long day ahead of you? Make a conscious choice on how you want your day to look and practice this attitude of gratitude morning ritual: Step 1: Upon first awakening, for one to two minutes, say out loud, “I am grateful for…” Step 2: Visualize yourself experiencing a productive and beautiful day. Step 3: Practice meditation to keep yourself grounded. This morning ritual will start your day off on the right foot and set your tone for the day. Make a conscious decision to focus your attention on living a happy and joyful life.



Remove Hidden Obstacles Most everyone has encountered hidden obstacles or emotions that keep us from reaching our true potential. We need to learn to make conscious choices, choices that are made in the present moment, without all the emotional “baggage” we carry around. You can think of that baggage as being packed in four kinds of suitcases - the “Big Four” energy blocks that we carry around with us, that dictate how we see the world, and that hold us back from reaching our unlimited potential. The good news is, once you discover what yours are, you can consider other perspectives and completely change the way you approach your goals.

LIMITING BELIEFS Did you know that every day our choices are being based on our past experiences? If we do not have a solid grasp on how we perceive these experiences and how they have shaped who we are, how can we expect to change our future unless the barriers of the past are removed? The first suitcase contains your limiting beliefs. Beliefs can either help you or hinder you; limiting beliefs are those

that hold you back from success. If you do not believe something is possible, you’re not likely to attempt it. Even if you do attempt it, you won’t devote much energy to achieving that goal. Limiting beliefs are general beliefs about the world, your environment t and situation, and the people around you that stand in your way. More often than not, you accept a limiting belief as true because you’ve learned it from someone else, or from an “authority,” such as the media, a book, or a movie. You assume that it’s “just the way it is.” Here is a classic example of a limiting belief: Up until 1954, it was commonly held that running a mile in under four minutes was impossible. Moreover, physiologists believed it was extremely dangerous even to attempt it. Yet on May 6th of that year, Roger Bannister crossed the finish line in 3 minutes and 59.4 seconds, thereby disproving the myth forever.



It’s remarkable that Bannister accomplished his feat. It required that he completely ignore the prevailing, limiting belief and construct an entirely different belief system for himself. What others saw as a limitation, he perceived as opportunity. And once he disproved the presumed limits of the human body, less than two months later, another runner, John Landy, broke Bannister’s record with a mile dash of 3 minutes and 57.9 seconds. What’s more, within just a few years, dozens of runners were leaving the four-minute mark in the dust. Here are a couple of common limiting beliefs that hold many of us back. How about you have to work really hard to achieve success? Or that successful people are lucky? Or that you have to have money to make money? There are several ways to challenge limiting beliefs. You can explore the effect the belief has had on your life, look for proof of its truth (or lack of proof), or modify the belief, or aspects of the belief, to better serve you. Simply examining the belief with questions like “How true do I believe that is?” and the rhetorical “Where did I get that idea?” can also work remarkably well. Once you overcome limiting beliefs, they can no longer hold you back. Think about examining the contents of your limiting beliefs suitcase. Unpack it, and see how much lighter you feel. ASSUMPTIONS Let’s take a look now at another one of those blocks – the assumptions we make. An assumption is a belief that is based on the premise that because something happened in the past, it is automatically going to happen again. When you make choices based on your assumptions, you are letting the past control the future. Assumptions hold you back, because when you already “know” that something won’t work, you probably won’t even consider doing it. Even if you do attempt it, you won’t have a lot of energy for, or be engaged in, what you’re doing, since you don’t really believe it can work. When you hold on to your assumptions, you miss out on many possibilities. Imagine this scenario: A new salesperson has done five sales presentations, and none of the prospective clients have decided to buy her product. If she’s makes the assumption that she is not good at doing presentations, then it’s unlikely that she’ll put her all into soliciting them. And, even if she does end up doing one, the catabolic energy she brings with her to the presentation may actually repel her potential sales (and without her even realizing it, she has created more proof that her assumption was correct).



Here Are Some Typical Assumptions:

• If I don’t do it myself, it won’t be done right. • My kids are lazy and unproductive. • I’m no good at interviewing. • No one listens to what I’m saying.

Because assumptions are primarily based on personal experience, they are internalized and emotional, and somewhat difficult to let go of. Delving deep to remove the emotion of the past experience may be necessary before moving forward. The main question to ask when challenging an assumption is simply “Just because that happened in the past, why must it happen again?” This month, when you just “know” that something won’t work based on your past experience, recognize your assumption for what it is, question it, and consciously choose to let it go and to take positive action. INTERPRETATIONS The Big Four energy blocks keep you stuck and prevent you from achieving what you want to in your life. We’ve already explored limiting beliefs and assumptions, let’s look at the third energy block, interpretations. When you interpret something, you create an opinion about an event, situation, or experience. In essence, you create an explanation and then look for evidence to support its validity. When you make an interpretation, you don’t even see that other explanations exist. In actuality, though, an interpretation often represents only one viewpoint among the many that are possible. Your interpretations hold a strong energetic charge, which affects your emotions and actions. If you believe your viewpoint of a particular situation is the only explanation, you might not be aware of another point of view. You may end up wasting a lot of time and resources marching off in the wrong direction. Because you don’t see that other possibilities exist, you remain stuck in your story, and feel like you have no control over the outcome. Let’s say you come into work one day, and your boss barely nods hello, and then goes into his office and closes the door. If you think that your boss acted that way because he is angry with you, you might spend the morning wondering what you did to get him mad, and you might be hesitant to approach him with the great idea you’d come up with on the way in to work.



As with assumptions, interpretations are personal and are somewhat difficult to let go of and challenge. Holding on to them may seem like the easy way out, as facing them may move you into uncharted territory. However, challenging your interpretations opens you up to a world of possibilities, literally. Typical Interpretations May Sound Like This:

• He doesn’t like me. • She thinks I’m incompetent. • They don’t want to follow orders. • My son is just not interested in doing his homework.

Interpretations Can Be Directly Challenged by Asking:

“What’s another way to look at that?” Just realizing that there are other ways to look at something lessens the power of your interpretation. One way to do this is to imagine what another individual’s perspective of the situation might be. Asking for someone else’s point of view on a difficult situation (even if they are not directly involved) can break existing paradigms and open pathways for more successful solutions.

Challenging yourself or others to argue the point of view directly opposite your interpretation also works remarkably well to arrive at new information, new angles, and new paths to success. In the example of the boss above, perhaps the reason why he barely acknowledged you was that he just received a disturbing phone call about a family member, or he had a deadline that had to be met – or…well, there are many possible explanations. What an opportunity you’d miss if you decided not to present your great idea based on your false interpretation. GREMLINS The final block we’ll talk about - the gremlin - is the most difficult to overcome, because it is the most personal, and holds the most energy.



This barrier is the gremlin within every one of us: the inner critic. You know that little voice in your head? That voice that tells you not to try, never to take a risk, always to take the safe road, and to compromise your life by playing small? That’s your gremlin, and the message from your gremlin’s warnings is that you’re just not good enough to reach the summit of success. Regardless of any evidence to the contrary, the gremlin’s annoying voice continues to whisper: “It’s Not Going to Happen.” This debilitating message bubbles up in many forms: “I’m not smart enough, experienced enough, and attractive enough.” It all comes back to a simple and quite vicious block: “I’m just not good enough to cut it.” Your gremlin is highly personal. It is rooted deeply inside you and carries the most intense emotional charge of any of the blocks we’ve explored. Your gremlin thrives on fear. When you hear its whispers, your motivation to try withers. You dread failing, feeling pain, and being embarrassed. You can even be scared of succeeding if the gremlin convinces you that you will eventually fail regardless. What are some typical gremlins statements? Do You Hear Any of These Statements from Your Own Inner Critic?

• I’m not effective. • Who am I kidding, here? • I’m not smart enough to really do this

job right. • I don’t have enough experience. • I don’t deserve great success. • They are going to find out I am a phony.

Being aware of your gremlin is the first step towards lessening its power. Once you realize that your gremlin exists, give it an identity. Name it – and then, if you’d like, make it even more real by drawing it, sculpting it, or seeing it in your mind – whatever works for you. In doing this, you discover that the gremlin is only a part of who you are, not your whole identity. By seeing it in objective terms, you zap some of its strength. Gremlin work can be quite involved and is most effective when you are guided by a certified coach. The Big Four hold you back from living the life you desire and prevent you from making conscious choices. The Energy Leadership process, a process I work



one-on-one with clients, allows one to examine these energy blocks in great detail, and practice removing those barriers from holding back unlimited potential.



Active Listening – Listening to Understand Listening Practices: Tips and Traps

One of the examples my leadership professor used was that most people are not actively listening, they are just waiting for their turn to speak. According to widely referenced statistics by Dr. Albert Mehrabian, known for his pioneering work in nonverbal communication, only 7% of communication happens through a person’s actual words (38% through tone and 55% through body language). That’s why it’s important to hone our skills to listen at deeper levels. Have you ever noticed how GOOD it feels to

be really listened to? It’s impactful, particularly when the listening goes beyond just the words you’re speaking. That kind of artful listening conveys respect and value to the speaker, and promotes positive relationships of all kinds. And, like any art, it takes practice. A Good Place to Start Is By Understanding The Three Listening Levels: Listening Levels Level 1—Internal: We hear the other person’s words, but our focus is on what it means to us—our thoughts, feelings, judgments and conclusions. We may also be concerned with what the other person thinks of us. This level is useful for checking in with our feelings or to make decisions. Level 2—Laser-Focused: Our attention is focused like a laser beam on the other person, with little awareness of anything else. With such strong focus, we are curious, open and have little time to pay attention to our own feelings or worry about how we are being received. Mind chatter disappears with such a sharp focus. Level 3—Global: Our attention is spread out like an antenna with a 360-degree range. It allows us to pick up emotions, energy, body language and the environment itself. Intuition heightens as we tune into the deeper layers of what is going on around us.



All three levels are necessary. However, when we spend too much time in self-focused Level 1 listening, our communication can seriously suffer. Engaging all three levels at once, with more emphasis on Levels 2 and 3, can improve how we listen—and the impact of how we are received. Listening Blocks • Tune Out—Listeners are not paying attention to the speaker due to disinterest in the speaker or subject, thinking about other things or multitasking. • Detach—Listeners are emotionally detached from the speaker, concerned with content only, not the feelings behind it. They may be only half listening, not really interacting, and miss the message’s underlying meaning. Real listening requires paying attention, not just to words, but body language and sometimes to what is not being said. It also means responding, not in words but with our facial expressions, head nods and exclamations (“uh huh”) that show we are present. • Rehearse—Listeners are concentrating on what to say or do next, rather than focusing on the speaker’s message. Often, when someone tells us something we don’t want to hear, we shut down. Or we lash out or justify. True listening requires putting aside our emotional responses and the need to defend ourselves. Perhaps we believe the talker doesn’t have the story right or is being unfair; that’s okay because it’s his story and it’s not about right or wrong, fact or fiction. • Judge—Listeners have a different opinion that causes them to block out new ideas and information or lose track of the conversation. They analyze and interpret the speaker’s delivery or message, missing the point. They criticize, give advice and make assumptions. To listen we have to ignore all those voices inside, those judgments and criticisms…Oh, I would never have done that or He just doesn’t see how he’s making a big mistake. • Control—Listeners don’t allow the speaker to talk at his or her own pace. They constantly interrupt with comments or questions, and don’t allow the speaker to finish a point. Listening takes time—and who has a lot of that? It’s about ignoring distractions and the urge to interrupt with your own great story. As author Nichols puts it, “Listening isn’t a need we have; it’s a gift we give.”



Try This! Below Are A Few Suggestions for Honing Your Listening Skills. Enjoy them! 1. Experiment with Levels 1, 2 and 3 listening, one at a time, to fully understand the dynamics at each level. Try this in everyday conversation, or practice with someone. Take turns telling a story and listening. The results may surprise you! 2. Spend some time noticing how often you fall into tuning out, detaching, rehearsing, judging or controlling. What can you do to keep from falling into these common traps? 3. In your everyday conversations, or in an intentional practice session with a partner, explore each listening block, one at a time. Notice how you feel and the impact on the person with whom you are communicating. The first step to developing artful listening is to choose to truly listen. As you continue to develop your listening skills, your communications and your relationships are likely to become increasingly satisfying and rich!



Questioning Techniques Solid strategic plans, strong work relationships, high morale and improved performance are all byproducts of good questions. This potent communication tool can help you discover important information about your work, yourself, your associates, your customers—and create insights that otherwise might have remained hidden. Refining your questioning skills will make a significant difference in the responses you receive, as well as how receptive others are to answering. A first step is recognizing the difference between open questions and closed questions. Open Questions:

o Encourage people to talk. o Cannot be answered with yes/no o Begin with a variation of the five W’s (who, what, when, where, why) or ask how Closed Questions: o Can be answered by either “yes” or “no,” with a specific bit or data o Restrict responses o Require very little effort on either person’s part o Can be used to close down a conversation o Tend to get over-used o Can lead us to make assumptions Probing Questions By making a conscious effort to pose open style questions, you are more apt to receive the more detailed responses you desire. But it doesn’t stop there. Follow up with probing questions and counter-responses to make sure you are getting all the necessary feedback you desire. Make sure to take a moment to pause, in case the person you are questioning has additional information to add. If you would still like more feedback, use the following tips to probe further:

o Reflective or mirroring questioning o Paraphrasing o Summary question



Top 10 Powerful Questions to Ask Below are just a few questions that can have powerful effects on your work and life. Ask your questions without leading, prompting or interrupting, and suspend any assumptions. And then be sure to LISTEN to the answers. 1. What is it that you’d like to see accomplished and how do you see it happening? 2. What are your thoughts? Your concerns? 3. What’s the most important priority to you with this and why? 4. What would you like to see improved? 5. Can you help me understand that a little better? 6. What’s in the way of improved performance? How can I change that? 7. If I could change one thing in my life/business that would have the greatest

impact, what would it be? 8. What prevents me from being able to place more focus on this? 9. What self-limiting fears, thoughts or actions do I want to leave behind? 10. Are my actions today compatible with what I wish to leave behind as a

legacy?



Set Healthy Boundaries

A boundary defines where you end and another person begins. Creating and maintaining healthy boundaries defines parameters for relationships. Stronger relationships will arise when boundaries are established early on, and confirmed ongoing through open communication. Boundaries held firm can help make life easier, reduce conflict and improve relationships. Plus, they’re a real self-esteem booster.

Take a few minutes to find out how well constructed your boundaries are: 1. I start statements with "I" rather than "you" or "we." This lets me own what I

say and is less defensive than "you" and more definitive than "we." Y/N\ 2. My boundaries are specific and clear: "I don't accept phone calls after 10

p.m.," rather than the vague and mushy, “Don’t call me too late." Y/N 3. I'm consistent when I create boundaries. If I say, "No phone calls after 10

p.m.," I don't make exceptions unless the situation is exceptional. Y/N 4. When people attempt to cross my boundaries, I don't assume the worst (they

don't care, they weren't paying attention, they're selfish and inconsiderate); I simply restate my position. Y/N

5. As soon as I realize I'm in a situation that might be headed for trouble, I

announce my boundary, "I won't continue talking with you if you raise your voice at me." Y/N

6. I try to avoid situations and people where I know my boundaries will be

continually tested. Y/N



7. I don't take responsibility for how others respond to my boundaries. If someone feels resentment because I didn't wait when she was twenty minutes late for our appointment, I don't try to make it okay for her. Y/N

8. I respect other boundaries and ask for clarification when I'm not certain of

limits. "May I talk to you about business after hours?" Y/N 9. When people refuse to respect my boundaries, I walk away rather than get into

a situation that could escalate. I say why I'm leaving. Y/N 10. I let people know when I have reconsidered a boundary. "It used to be okay

for you to be late, but now..." Y/N 11. I believe that everyone has to create his or her own boundaries. What's okay

for me, might not work for someone else. Y/N If you are surprised by your responses, you may need a few tips on how to how to set legitimate boundaries without feeling guilty and release the "disease to please." Keep in mind, if you make your boundaries too solid you will build walls, and if they are too weak you allow others’ to harm you. 1. The first step in learning to set boundaries is self-awareness. For example,

pay close attention to the situations that give you a knot in your stomach, or make you angry. Identify where you need more space, self-respect or personal power.

2. And just Remember, we teach people how to treat us. Setting and maintaining

boundaries creates the foundation of any interaction. For Example: o To buy yourself time when making tough decisions: you might say “I’ll have to

sleep on it, I have a policy of not making decisions right away.” o To back out of a commitment: you might say "I know I agreed to meet you, but

after reviewing my schedule, I now realize that I won't be able to. I'd like to ask that we reschedule.

o Start releasing the “need to please” and to think of yourself first. Remember

when you put yourself first, you are then fully available to others without resentment or anger.



Difficult Conversations “There are no classes in life for beginners,” wrote poet Rainer Maria Rilke. “Right away you are always asked to deal with what is most difficult.” Saying the hard thing can be one of the most difficult things we ever do. And for many of us, just thinking about doing it can cause worry, fear and stress. The good news is that getting these

conversations right has more to do with planning and practice than saying “just the right thing.” And when we dare to broach these hard topics with other people, there are often hidden rewards. The fallout from conversations gone wrong is not pretty: trust and intimacy suffer, while resentment and misunderstanding build. But it is possible to improve the way we handle our most difficult personal conversations. Our relationships need to nourish us, not deplete us. The Benefits of Speaking Up Difficult conversations have the power to get you what you really want from life. They can clear the air between you and someone else. And they can give your self-esteem a real boost. Revealing how you really feel and what you really want is a life-long practice that sets you up for more good things to come. Regardless of what happens or how the other person responds, making your true self visible will only make you stronger, healthier and more at peace with yourself. Setting the Stage for a Productive Conversation 1. Bring it up. It’s wishful thinking to hope that the other person will broach a

hard topic. In some cases, he or she may not even be aware of the need. That means, like it or not, it’s up to you.



2. Be clear on your intention. Are you discussing a sensitive topic to make a decision, reveal what you’ve already decided, make a request, or something else? Being clear about why you are having the conversation—and what you hope to get out of it—will help you frame what you’re about to say.

3. Be mindful of your mindset. Sidestep the tendency to blame and assume

you know exactly what is going on. Leave room in your frame of mind for discovery and revelation. Stay curious. Remember how much you care for the person, and envision how you’d like your relationship to be after the conversation.

4. Rehearse. It can helpful to practice your conversation by writing in a journal or

talking it through with a trusted friend or therapist. This will help you become more familiar with your feelings and point of view, and help you relax before you say the hard thing.

5. Set the tone: Use “I” messages. “You” statements tend to assign blame. For

example, rather than saying, “You hurt my feelings,” it is better to use an “I“ message and say, “I feel hurt.“ If you’re afraid, say what you’re afraid of at the beginning of the conversation. For instance, “I’m scared that you won’t like me anymore or that you’ll go away or that we won’t be friends anymore after this conversation.” Then take a deep breath and begin.

Saying the hard thing is like any other exercise: every time you do it, you’re building muscle…and your hard work will unquestionably pay off in more meaningful relationships in the end.

Top 10 Ways to Handle Difficult Conversations 1. Set an agenda. Lay out the problem to be discussed, indicate that you want to

hear the other person’s perspective and to speak your own, and that you’d like problem-solving to follow that.

2. Listen first. Until people feel heard and safe, they won’t have the mind-space

to hear you. 3. Cultivate an attitude of discovery and curiosity. The authors of Difficult

Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most found that people typically spend only about 10% of a difficult conversation on inquiry and 90% on advocating a position. A better balance leads to a better outcome.



4. Strive to understand what people are thinking, feeling and needing, not just saying.

5. Keep the focus on understanding what is happening between the two of you,

not on “winning” or being right. 6. Don’t ignore feelings. They are often at the heart of every difficult

conversation—and they matter. 7. Stay centered, supportive, curious and committed to problem-solving. Your

attitude will greatly influence what you say. 8. Notice when you become off-center. Breathe. Choose to return to yourself

and your purpose. 9. Return to asking questions about the other’s point of view if the conversation

becomes adversarial. 10. Be persistent in your efforts to keep the conversation constructive.



Communication Is At The Heart Of All Relationships! “Your overall success and happiness in life relates directly to your ability to communicate in an effective manner.” - Brenda Williams

“I invite you to join me for a personal transformational journey to becoming an ideal leader who will create relationships that thrive all the way from the boardroom to the living room. During our call we can discover how I can best support you in becoming an extraordinary communicator. With my guidance you will learn how you can easily influence, inspire and motivate your co-workers, employees, family and friends.” I look forward to talking soon,

Copyright ©2018 Brenda Williams...2018/07/07 · According to the National Science Foundation, we...

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Transcript of Copyright ©2018 Brenda Williams...2018/07/07 · According to the National Science Foundation, we...