Conversation Skills

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Instant Conversation Skills Dynamic Communication Skills in Less than an Hour Copyright © 2006 by Austin Barnes All Rights Reserved This is not a free e-book and may not be given away nor copies sold. Please visit http://www.Conversation-Miracle.com Unauthorized duplication or distribution of this material in any form is strictly prohibited. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system or transmitted in any from or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise without prior written permission from the author. Some of the concepts including F.O.R.T.H and P.R.E.S.S. were used by license agreement from Conversation Miracle . The author and distributor of this product assume no responsibly for the use or misuse of this product, or for any injury, damage, and/or financial loss sustained to persons or property as a result of using this book. While every effort has been made to ensure reliability of the information within, the liability, negligence or otherwise, or from any use, misuse or abuse of the operation of any methods, stagiest, instructions or ideas contained in the material herein is the sole responsibly of the reader. This is not met to be a substitute for professional advice and counsel.

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Transcript of Conversation Skills

Page 1: Conversation Skills

Instant Conversation Skills

Dynamic Communication Skills in Less than an

Hour

Copyright © 2006 by Austin Barnes

All Rights Reserved

This is not a free e-book and may not be given away nor copies sold. Please visit

http://www.Conversation-Miracle.com

Unauthorized duplication or distribution of this material in any form is strictly

prohibited. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval

system or transmitted in any from or by any means, electronic, mechanical,

photocopying, recording or otherwise without prior written permission from the

author.

Some of the concepts including F.O.R.T.H and P.R.E.S.S. were used by license

agreement from Conversation Miracle.

The author and distributor of this product assume no responsibly for the use or

misuse of this product, or for any injury, damage, and/or financial loss sustained to

persons or property as a result of using this book. While every effort has been

made to ensure reliability of the information within, the liability, negligence or

otherwise, or from any use, misuse or abuse of the operation of any methods,

stagiest, instructions or ideas contained in the material herein is the sole

responsibly of the reader. This is not met to be a substitute for professional advice

and counsel.

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Introduction

Good conversation skills are essential to being successful and enjoying life. A person

who can confidently carry on enjoyable conversations with people will be able to:

• Make friends easily.

• Improve their chance of success in business and school.

• Leave a great impression with people.

• Feel confident.

• Conquer shyness.

• Be a social success.

• Enjoy being around people.

In the next hour, I want to work with you step by step and show you how to:

• Instantly appear calm and confident with people

• Confidently start conversations

• Feel calm and confident in conversation

• Leave a great impression.

• Have a likeable personality.

• Successfully carry on conversations.

• Become a person who people enjoy talking with.

Think of a scale of 1 to 10. With 10 being excellent at conversations and 1 being not very

good at conversation. Where you are at? 7? 3? 5? 1? 8? It does not matter where you are, the next

one hour will dramatically improve your skills. The less your current ability, the more

improvement can take place.

You will learn five principles and be shown how to apply them to conversation. Each

principle will have some practical exercises to help implement them. The exercises and reading

should take about an hour. Don’t rush. If it takes longer, don’t worry about it.

The good news is that each of the 5 principles are very powerful. Just applying one, can

transform people’s social abilities. However, with all five you will be on your path to being a

social success.

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Chapter 1

How to Become a Friendly Person

Friendly people generally leave a great impression. The first step towards making friends

and being great at conversation is to be a friendly person. One speaker mentioned that

friendliness and likeability are essential for success in life.

Principle #1: Treat the Other Person as if they are the most important person in the world.

Who is the most important person in the world to you? It could be a movie star, family

member, or a special friend.

If you talked with this important person, how would you respond to them in

conversation? Because they are important, you would probably:

• Listen intently and not be distracted

• Show warmth and friendliness

• Be glad to see this person

• Portray that you are happy to be with and talking with this person

• Smile

• Ignore distractions

• Treat them with respect

Your goal in conversation is treat your conversation partner just like you would this

important person. You want to treat them as if they are the most important person in the

world to you right now.

Doing this will cause you to have a likeable personality. People will enjoy talking with

you. You will automatically become friendly and leave a great impression.

Why this Works

The basic fact of human life is that we like people who like us. We enjoy being around

people who consider us important and are friendly to us. When we treat others as important,

they feel important.

Making a person feel important usually causes them to like us and enjoy our company.

This is good news. A great impression is made. We enjoy the conversation and we can easily

make friends.

What does not work

Take the opposite attitude. If we consider ourselves more important than the other person

we may treat them in the following way:

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• Not listening.

• Interrupting and excessively talking about ourselves.

• Be scanning the room for someone better to talk with.

• Not showing friendliness.

• Frowning and not smiling.

• Have an attitude that shouts “Stay away”.

How we think about the person and treat them will impact the relationship. Consider

them important and you will become a friendly person.

There you have it, the first principle:

Principle #1: Treat the Other Person as if they are the most important person in the world.

This is simple, but many people do not apply it. Use this action time to help you apply it.

Action Time

Take a break from reading and use 4 minutes to practice these abilities. Start with practicing

with a mirror. Moving on to a friend would be great.

1. Turn towards the mirror and greet your image in the mirror just as if you were greeting

the most important person. Say, “Hi”. Let your face just radiate you are glad to see the

person. You will find that a slow smile is good. Do you appear warm and friendly?

Tweak your expression and body language until you appear this way. Keep practicing

this for a few minutes. Usually, you want to greet people in a similar matter.

2. When you talk you want to radiate that you enjoy talking with the other person. Using

your mirror, share a story about the day. Radiate warm, gladness, and enjoyment. Focus

on the person in the mirror. Talk like you would to the very important person.

Congratulations you are on the path to experiencing a Instant Conversation Skills in less than an

hour.

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Chapter 2

How to Quickly Feel Confident and Be Great at Conversation

Feelings are powerful. Many times people allow their feelings to take control. Fear,

shyness, and lack of confidence direct their conversations which can sabotage dates and other

activities. This next principle is very powerful and gives instant results.

Principle #2: Act and think like a confident, friendly person who is great at conversation.

Don’t skip this principle. It is life changing. Instead of allowing feelings to control you,

you control your actions. You act like a confident person. This principle rests on three facts:

Fact #1: When you are acting like a confident and friendly person you will appear like a

confident and friendly person.

It does not matter how you feel. If you are acting confident, you will appear that way.

By acting confident and great at conversation, you will appear confident and great

conversation, though you may not feel like it. Sound hypocritical? The majority of public

speakers are battling fear and nervousness, but they refuse to let it show.

Fact #2: Acting confident and great at conversation will make you feel confident and relaxed.

The father of modern Psychology, William James said this:

Action seems to follow feeling, but really action and feeling go together; and by regulating

the action, which is under the more direct control of the will, we can indirectly regulate the

feeling, which is not.

Act confident and you will feel confident. Act shy and you will feel shy. This principle

works.

I have seen this principle at work in classes on public speaking.. A person can give a

speech and do OK. However, take this same person and tell them to act, feel, and think like a

confident, dynamic speaker. As they redo the speech the second time, it will look like a miracle

has taken place.

• They will be making eye contact and speaking with enthusiasm.

• They will come across as a great speaker.

• Nervousness will be reduced.

• They will feel more calm and confident.

• Their confidence draws the audience into the speech.

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When I teach a public speaking class, I asked students who are speaking to rate themselfs on

how nervous they felt. On a scale of 1 to 10, one stood for being relaxed in front of a TV and ten

was losing lunch in the bathroom.

Routinely these high schoolers would give figures of 7, 8 or even 9. On their evaluation

sheets I would usually say, “You look like a 2 or a 3”. This was true. They chose act confident

when they spoke, and they appeared much more relaxed than what they felt.

Don’t worry about your feelings. Just focus on acting confident, friendly, and great at

conversation.

Fact #3: The quickest way to being great at conversation is to act confident, friendly, and like

you are great at conversation.

Again William James said:

If you want a quality, act as if you already had it. If you want a trait, act as if you already have the trait.

This is incredibly simple, but incredibly powerful. Just start acting like you are great at

conversation and you will appear, feel, and be great at conversation.

How to Act and Think like a Confident, Friendly person who is great at conversation.

Three Keys will help you act and be great at conversation.

Key #1: Ask yourself “How would a Confident, Friendly Person Act in this Situation?”

Think for a moment of someone who is confident, likable, friendly and great at

conversation. It could be a friend, actor, movie star, or celebrity. It may be a character from a

movie.

Can’t think of anyone? Just imagine how a confident, likable person would act and think.

Here’s a description:

• Makes eye contact

• Voice is clear and does not have a hint of shyness

• Interacts with people

• Walks up to people and starts conversation

• Relaxed

• Moves with a purpose. Not too fast, not hesitant

• Good posture and head up

• Smile on face. No frown or negative expression

• Open body language. This means their body language communicates warmth, likeability,

and an openness for people to talk. The arms are uncrossed, body is turned towards

people, and there is a welcoming expression on the face.

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Don’t get me wrong. You are not to shed your unique personality and mimic them. You are

to put off any shy, unconfident mannerism like lack of eye contact, etc. Next, you put on your set

of confident, likable actions.

Whenever you are around people or are tempted to revert back to old behavior, ask this

question: “How would a Confident, Friendly Person act in this situation”. Do this and act this

way. You will feel confident.

Key #2: P.R.E.S.S yourself to look, act and feel confident.

P.R.E.S.S. is an acronym that stands for.

Posture straight

Relaxed body.

Eye contact

Smiling

Speak Clearly

By applying PRESS you will instantly act confident, look confident, and feel confident.

You should use PRESS all the time.

Posture

Straighten your posture and you will feel more energetic and confident. Good posture

produces confidence. It automatically makes a person sound more confident. You can have

great posture by remembering or applying the following:

• Stand up and place a book on your head. Adjust your posture and head until the book is

balanced on top of your head. Let go of the book. When the book is balanced, your

posture is straight. Now practice walking around the room with the book on your head.

You will look and feel confident. It is the same exercise that beauty queens or actors will

often use to straighten their posture and walk gracefully.

More secrets to confident posture:

• When standing shift your weight to the front of your feet. This automatically gives you

more energy.

• Walk with a purpose and don’t rush. When entering a room, have your movements

purposeful and confident.

Relax

The letter “R” stands for relax. As you move and sit with the right posture, practice being

relaxed. Breath. Let your arms swing at your sides. Have a relaxed look. It is a little hard to

explain, but practice it and you will master this ability. A couple deep breathes can help you

relax before you meet someone.

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Eye Contact

Proper eye contact conveys confidence and acceptance of other person. Lack of eye

contact tends to show distrust and a lack of interest. Too much eye contact makes others nervous

and comes across as staring.

How to have successful eye contact

The Rule of 68 will allow you to have effective eye contact. You will avoid the extreme

of staring, yet will still display confidence.

Rule of 68

Speaking: Eye contact 60% of the time.

Listening: Eye Contact 80% of the time.

Both Listening and Speaking: Hold eye contact

for four seconds and then slowly glance away for a

second or two before coming back. This glance

needs to be slow and sideways (unless a person is

eating or has good reason to look down).

When making eye contact, move your eyes slightly

around the face to keep from having a dead stare.

How to have dynamic eye contact

� Look each person in the eye when saying, “Hello”.

� Have a slight smile on the face to avoid scowling and staring.

� Hold eye contact for an extra moment when saying “thank-you” or greeting

someone.

� Always note the eye color when first meeting someone.

� Move eyes slightly around the eye area to avoid a dead stare or glazed look.

Throw out everything I have said if...

You need to be aware of the culture and situation you are in. In the business world,

increased eye contact is normal. In some cultures and even places in the US, a lot of eye

contact is considered confrontational. If what I told you is making others nervous, change

your style to make others more comfortable.

Smile

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A smile is powerful. Studies show that smiling can put you in a good mood. Not only

this, but it also radiates to others and puts them in a good mood. People with a smile are easy to

approach and talk with.

Just simplying smiling will make a person appear warm and friendly. So many times I

have been at events and see people in the corner by themselves. I Know the people and they

would like to talk with others. However, their scowl on their face is shouting, “Stay away”.

If you have a chance, look in the mirror and practice smiling. Practice smiling to greet

someone. Mastering this simple ability will do wonders.

Speak Clearly

You must be understood. A shy or weak voice can hinder your impression. You want

your voice filled with energy and vitality. It must be warm and friendly.

The good news is that you can have an energy filled voice in minutes. In fact the

following three steps will give your natural energy filled voice.

Step 1: Breath with Good posture

A great voice starts with good posture. By transferring your weight to the front of

your feet when standing, you will empower your voice with energy. The same applies to

sitting. If you lean forward slightly, energy will radiate from your voice.

Often people sound weak or nervous because they are talking on little air. Taking

a couple of deeps breaths will calm a person down. A short sip of breath before starting

to talk will allow your first words to come out clearly.

You should breathe from the abdomen. Put your hand on your stomach and

breathe. You should feel your stomach moving. Often when we get nervous, we breath

from the chest. This makes the voice sound higher, weaker and more choppy. The next

time you are in a nervous situation, make sure you are breathing from your abdomen.

2. Open your Mouth

The voice escapes through the mouth and then heads for the ears of others.

Sometimes our natural voice is squelched because we only open our mouth partway.

Focus on opening the mouth and letting your voice spring forth.

An actor once told me about a great exercises for learning to speak through an

open mouth. Take a pencil and place it in the mouth with the ends sticking out your

mouth sideways. Keep it between your teeth. Push it as far back as possible.

Read a couple sentences and then pull the pencil out and continue reading.

Repeat. The difference can be quite plain. It is training you to keep your mouth open and

to project your voice.

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3. Pause and pace

When people get nervous, they tend to talk really fast and mumble. Pace yourself

and pronounce your words clearly. Pause after key points and make sure your partner has

caught up with you.

If you struggle in this area, apply a simple exercise. Read a few pages from a

book every day. This will help you make aware and give you a chance to practice.

There you have it! Use PRESS as much of the time as possible. Get into the habit of

always making eye contact, having the right posture, and being relaxed. You will feel confident

and look confident.

A warm personality will make the other person feel comfortable in your presence. PRESS

enables you to feel comfortable and confident.

Key #3: Expect other people to want to talk with you and enjoy being in your presence.

Claude M. Bristol said, “We usually get what we anticipate”.

Jerry and Fred are both at a party. Both are acting and thinking differently:

Chris thinks: “I am expecting People to

want to talk with me and enjoy being

around me.”

Pat thinks: “No one is going to want to talk

with me.”

Gets involved in conversations. Avoids conversations and talking with

people because he is expecting them to not

want to talk with him

Displays confidence and seems to attract

people.

Lacks confidence and he will actually repel

people.

Your expectation is important. What you expect will often happen. Why? Your

expectations are subtle communicated to people in your behavior. They also effect how you

behave.

When talking with people, be expecting them want to talk with you. However, if they

don’t want to talk, let them leave.

Quick Review

Principle #2: Act and think like a confident, friendly person who is great at conversation.

Key #1: Ask yourself “How would a Confident, Friendly Person Act in this Situation?”

Key #2: P.R.E.S.S yourself to Look, Act and Feel confident.

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Posture straight

Relaxed body

Eye contact

Smiling

Speak Clearly

Key #3: Expect other people to want to talk with you and enjoy being in your presence.

What will happen when you have this mindset?

• You will appear confident, likeable and great at conversation.

• You will feel confident, likeable and great at conversation.

• You will be confident, likeable and great at conversation.

Action Time 1. If you voice is not clear, practice for a few minutes.

a. Read a couple sentences using a pencil in the mouth as talked about earlier. Take

out the pencil and read for a sentence or two and then put it back in.

b. Talk about your day out loud with the pencil and repeat.

c. Repeat the phrase “Unique New York” 10 times in a row.

2. Using the three keys, carry on a conversation with someone for a couple minutes. If there

is no one, go back to the mirror and use the following script as you apply the three keys. I

know this sounds dumb, but it works. You want to be a confident as you pretend to carry

on this conversation.

a. Hello

b. How are you doing today?

c. I am doing fine. Yesterday I, ______.

d. How has your week been?

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Chapter 3

The Quality that Makes People Likeable and Great at

Conversation

There is a secret to being great with people and dynamic at conversation. Some of have it

some don’t. All can have it, many don’t.

Charismatic people have this quality. Boring people do not.

It comes down to a person’s focus and who they think about in conversation.

Principle #3 Shine your spotlight of interest, attention, and appreciation on the other person.

Every person has a spotlight. Not a literal spotlight that lights up a dark stage, but a

spotlight that is made up interest, attention, and appreciation.

Boring people talk only about what interest them, don’t pay attention, and do not give

appreciation. As they shine the spotlight on themselves they will

• Avoid eye contact if it feels uncomfortable.

• Talk only about what they want to talk about and do not show interest.

• Ignore the other person.

• Increase their shyness because they are focusing on themselves.

If you want to leave a terrible impression, shine the spotlight on yourself. However, by

shining the spotlight on the other person, it will create a dynamic conversation.

People are craving and interest, attention, and appreciation. If you are giving this to them,

they will enjoy being around you and you will have power in conversation.

As a bonus shyness will leave, because shyness is often the result of focusing too much

on yourself.

Shining Your Spotlight

Spotlight of Interest.

At one time I was very active in face to face sales. I attribute part of my success to the

fact I showed interest in people. When I met people I asked question. I showed interest in them. I

listened. I was genuinely interested in knowing more about the person.

Interest led to quick friendships and a great impression. I have used genuine interest to

talk with everyone from young kids to CEO’s. The results are often the same. People enjoy the

conversation and the conversation flows smoothly.

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Your spotlight of interest will enable to talk with people for hours and they will greatly

enjoy the conversation.

You focus your spotlight of interest on others two key ways:

1. Asking sincere questions

2. Actively listening.

Asking Questions with sincere interest.

“How are you doing?” is a simple question. However, it can be just said as a matter of

fact statement, or it can be loaded with interest. People know when a question is asked with

sincere interest. They will usually bask in the glow and the conversation will flow (Hey, that

rhymed!). Later you will learn how to use good questions.

Active Listening:

There is a lack of good listeners. If you are a good listener, you will be likable and great

at conversation.

We have all met bad listeners. The moment we start talking the eyes glaze over. Their

mind leaves the planet.

Don’t be like that! Apply these practical ideas.

a. Show you are listening. Make eye contact much of the time. Nod your head.

b. Pay attention to key words. Listen for keywords. This will help keep your

attention and give you more ammo for conversations.

c. Responded with short statements like, “OK. Wow! That’s too bad.” Also

respond to what they are saying with questions.

d. Wait for a count of three after they finish. This will show respect to them.

Spotlight of Attention

When we were babies we craved attention. For the most part this has never changed.

Unfortunately, people naturally try and get attention through wrong ways.

Over talking, being loud and boisterous, interrupting, and putting others down are just a

few ways to get attention.

These methods may get attention but it sure does not make a person great a conversation

or making friends!

There is a better way. Give attention and people will give it back.

• Acknowledge them. When someone enters a circle of people, acknowledge them.

Possible nod to people as you pass them. Say “Hello”.

• Eye contact.

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• Include people in conversation. If you are in a group, include someone through

eye contact and by bringing them in with a question.

• Listen

• Give time.

There are many ways to give attention. Focus on doing it and it will happen. People will bask in

the glow.

Spotlight of Appreciation

William James said “The deepest principle in human nature is the craving to be

appreciated.” Appreciation means to give value or increase the value of something.

When people feel that we are adding value to them or making them feeling valued, they

enjoy being around us. In a sense we will be more likable.

As a bonus we will feel good because we are helping others out. Here are three practical

ways to shine your spotlight of appreciation on a person:

• Show appreciation in your body language. Listen and act glad to be with them.

• Call positive attention to what they have done or said. When they make a good point say

so. Show admiration for their accomplishments.

• Thank people and show appreciation.

Benefits

When you shine your spotlight of interest, good things will happen.

• Friendships can be quickly made. I saw it had tremendous power in sales.

• Shyness will be conquered. Focusing on others is one the best ways to combat

fears of shyness.

• Make friends. “You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested

in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested

in you.” Dale Carnige

4 Minute Action Plan

1. Talk with a friend over the phone or in person. Shine your three spotlights of interest,

attention, and appreciation on them.

2. Practice listening. If you do not have a person close by, turn on the radio and listen and watch

the mirror. Focus on keywords. Lean forward. Pause afterwards.

Chapter 4:

Starting Conversations

Starting conversations can be tough. However, if you are applying the first three

principles, conversations will almost automatically start. This next principle will make it easy.

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Principle #4: Easily start Conversations with the CQ method as you Go Forth into Conversation.

Starting conversations is quite simple. CQ Stands for

Comment

Question

Simply you make a comment and then you ask a question. A comment can be:

• A greeting. “Hi”

• An observation. “The Weather is nice.”

• An expression of gratitude “That is a nice car.”

• A story about yourself., a news story, or other interesting information.

The comment breaks the ice. Sometimes you may follow up with a second comment After the

comment, follow-up with a question.

Any question spoken with interest will do; however, some are better than others.

Remembering the term FORTH will help you as you go FORTH into conversation.

F.O.R.T.H is an acronym.

Family. How are your parents?

Occupation. What work are you involved in? How’s work going?

Recent events. The most recent event is what was just said by that person. It also includes

news, recent activities by both of you, etc. Did you hear about the ____ on the news? How

was the party this weekend?

Things. Look around you and ask or make a comment about something. Nice car! Which

dealership did you get it from? I noticed your English book. How are you enjoying the class?

Hobbies

Every situation is different, so it is hard to give blanket conversation starters. In the

Appendix I do list over 30 conversation starters. What works well with strangers, is to ask

about things around you or make comments about the event that you are both at.

Here are a few. Some would be more appropriate with stranger

� How is your day going?

� What is new with you?

� How are you enjoying this ___ (party, shopping, trip, etc)?

� What have you been staying busy with lately?

� How are things going in your life?

� What big events are going to be happening in your life.

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Don’t get hung-up with asking the exact question. You shining your spotlights, acting

friendly, and considering the other person important, will make conversation almost nearly

happen automatically.

Action Plan

Use this principle to start a conversation with someone. Call a friend. Speak to a stranger.

Before hand choose a follow-up question.

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Chapter 5

How to Keep a Conversation Flowing Smoothly

Conversation is like a quick burning fire. Unless fuel is added, it will die. Free nuggets of

information is what keeps the fire of conversation going.

Free nuggets are keywords, facts, statements, or any information. When properly used, a

conversation will flow smoothly.

Principle #5: When not listening Give, Use, and Ask for Free Nuggets of Information.

When a pause shows up in a conversation, you have three options:

1. Give information (Yesterday, I….)

2. Use information (Comment on what they just said or ask about it.)

3. Ask for information (How did you spend your day yesterday?)

Often you will use a combination. You share and then ask a question about what you just

shared.

Observe the following conversation:

Janelle: How are you doing?

Sarah: Fine. Last night I went bowling with some friends.

Janelle: Bowling! (Said with interest)

Sarah: Yeah, about 5 of us were over at the Bowling center.

Janelle: Bowling Center? I have never been there. (Her voice and manner show sincere

interest.)

Sarah: It is pretty decent and a good atmosphere!

Janelle: Tell me about it. What is it like?

This is the start of an interesting conversation. In this conversation Sarah, used, gave, and asked

for free information. Let’s illustrate.

Using Free Nuggets

During conversation be listening for information or keywords that you can use. Generally

every sentence contains at least one free nugget of information. There are three ways to use free

nuggets:

1. Repeat the nugget back

Notice how Janelle repeated the word “Bowling” with interest. This caused Sarah to give

out some more free information. You will find that repeating a word or phrase back to a person

will cause them to continue to talk about that subject. This is powerful for continuing

conversation.

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2. Comment on the nugget

Janelle said, “Bowling Center. I have never been there!” This sparked more conversation.

Commenting shows interest and shows you are listening.

3. Ask a question.

Janelle asked an open ended question about the Bowling Center. “Tell me about it. What

is it like?” The free nuggets resulting from this question will give her more fuel for conversation.

Just using a few nuggets will transform a dull, meaningless conversation into something

exciting! Try it and see the results. Just listen for free nuggets and use them by showing interest.

You don’t have to say lot to be great at conversation. Just listen and use free information.

Actually, it is often good not to say too much!

Giving Free Nuggets

Tennis requires two people hitting the ball back and forth. A conversation which builds

rapport and develops friendships must have both people contributing.

You should still listen more than you talk and focus on showing interest. However, throw

out some free nuggets about yourself. It will help build friendships and evaporate pauses.

Often when people discover the importance of listening and showing interest they will

focus too much on asking questions. They may feel guilty talking, and thus never open up.

This person may quickly answer a question and then ask another. Doing this hinders

conversation and is an obstacle in building good friendships. To build friendships and keep

conversations flowing, a person must throw out free nuggets.

This is what will happen as you give free nuggets:

� It will give the other person something to ask about.

� Others will feel compelled to give more nuggets of information.

� Both parties will get know one another.

� It adds fuel to the conversation and keeps it going.

Let me explain when and out how to give out free nuggets.

Give out Nuggets When Asked.

Spike the one word answers to questions! Many people starve a conversation by not

giving good answers to questions. A fire cannot start without fuel and a conversation cannot get

going without the fuel of nuggets of information.

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Look at this conversation:

You: Hello ____

Fred: Hey! Good to see you. How are you doing?

You: Fine. How about yourself.

Fred: Could not be better.

Look at this conversation with free nuggets.

You: Hello ____

Fred: Hey! Good to see you. How are you doing?

You: Pretty good. Thanks for asking. I spent the afternoon studying for a test and

talking with friends. How about yourself?

Fred: Good. I spent the afternoon looking for a new car. (Notice how Fred is obligated to

answer more.)

Now you both have free nuggets of information to ask about. This technique of giving

and using free nuggets is powerful and will dynamically enhance your conversations.

Volunteer Free Nuggets to Break Pauses

Eventually subjects will run out and there is a pause in a conversation. You need a spark

to ignite the conversation. Again a free nugget will do that. Later the 55 Principle will help you

out. Anything will work:

� Story: Last week I saw this advertisement on...

� News item: I heard that taxes...

� Fun fact: I heard that 70% of all statistics are made up...

� Personal fact: I am planning to buy a new....

When you learn the 55 Principle, you can learn some interesting info.

Remember the acronym FORTH?

This works great for thinking up free nuggets.

Family: My brother's wife just had a baby.

Occupation: Yesterday at work, something really interesting happened.

Recent events: I read in the paper about…

Things: That's a nice shirt. Where did you get it from?

Hobbies: I just picked up this new computer game...

To be safe you could throw in a question after you share the nugget:

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I just bought this computer game which is really cool. It is called ___ and the object is to

_____. (If no one says anything, ask a question.) What computer games do you enjoy?

Hint: Prepare yourself before you go to social functions or meet people. Read the

newspaper or listen to the news. Think about some personal facts which would be of interested to

those you meet.

Asking Questions:

Asking questions is a great way to show interest and keep a conversation flowing. A

couple facts will be of big help.

There are basically two types of questions: open-ended questions and closed ended questions.

Closed ended questions result in just one or two word answers

Some examples:

� Do your enjoy your career? Yes

� Did you have a good day? Yes

� Are you enjoying the party? Yes

Here the speaker is showing interest. However, conversations will not last long, unless

the person is real talker.

Open ended questions result in several sentence answers.

� How did you get started in this career? Back in…

� What are you enjoying about the party? The food is pretty good. I did meet this

interesting guy...

Look at the above. Open ended questions fuel a conversation and are a quick way to

jump-start a conversation. These questions also give you keywords that you can follow up on

with more information.

Open ended questions are good, but don’t throw away close ended questions. They are

useful for gaining specific information and setting up an open ended question.

Often the follow up method is good to us. I will ask a closed ended question and then

follow it up with an open ended question. For an example:

Where are you going to college? Oklahoma University.

How did you decide on this college?

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When I first learned about showing interest I did not understand about the two types of

questions. Often I would ask closed ended question. It would sound like I was interviewing a

person! I solved this by asking open ended questions which promoted conversation. Also I

learned how to share information more effectively (covered later).

What to ask about?

Again, as long as you are showing interest, the question is not real important. However,

great questions will make you awesome at conversation. One little question can spark 15

minutes of conversation.

Remember the Acronym FORTH as you go FORTH into Conversation.

2. Family. How are your parents? How many kids? How is the health? Is your family going

to be taking a vacation?

3. Occupation. How’s work going? What do you enjoy about your job?

4. Recent events. The most recent event is what was just said by that person. It also includes

news, recent activities by both of you, etc. Did you hear about the ____ on the news?

How was the party this weekend?

5. Things. Look around you and ask or make a comment about something. Nice car! Which

dealership did you get it from? I noticed your English book. How are you enjoying the

class?

6. Hobbies. What hobbies are you involved in? How did you decide to get into this hobby?

How do you like to spend your time?

Review

Principle #5: When not listening Give, Use, and Ask for Free Nuggets of Information.

Action Plan

a. Talk with a friend or make a phone call. If you cannot do this at this time, turn on

the radio to a talk show. As you listen be mentally thinking of what info you

could have used if you were talking with this person.

b. Do the same with free information. Think of free information you could have

thrown in.

c. As you listen being thinking of questions you could ask.

So far you know the mindset of acting, thinking, and feeling like a confident person. You know

to have your spotlight of interest, appreciation, and attention focused on the other person.

It is time to get practical. Here is a technique that will revoltionize your conversations and give

you confidence.

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Chapter 5 Unlocking Your Conversation Skills with one Technique

The 55 Principle is what I call the missing link. It builds on what we learned and will

transform conversations.

Principle #5: Always be Prepared for conversation with the 55 Principle.

The 55 principle means that before you talk to an individual or attend a social event, you

have five conversation topics/free nuggets and five questions. This only takes a minute or two

and can be the key to unlocking a successful evening.

You are walking in prepared. When a silent pause creeps up, you obliterate with the 55

Principle.

Conversation Topics / Nuggets

Nuggets of information conversation topics can be from the following sources:

• Recent experciences that happened to you. Think F.O.R.T.H.

• News stories. Look at the news paper, TV News or an internet site. You can use this info

to ask questions about someone.

• Interesting facts and stories. News of the Weird are true stories that are stranger than

fiction. Check them out: http://www.newsoftheweird.com/

• Aiken’s One Liners will send you five one liners every day be email. Sprinkling in a

couple of these every day will spice up conversations. http://www.aikenslaughs.com/

• General news from the area.

• If you are a joke teller, there are different daily joke lists. However, do not tell jokes if

they fall flat when you share.

• Stimulating questions and topics:

o Would you sell an eye for a Million Dollars?

o If you were going to be on a deserted Island for a month with all your food and

housing provided, what three things would you bring?

o If you knew you only had 24 hours to live, how would you live the final 24 hours

(5 hours, 6 months, 3 years).

Usually I have a few news stories in mind, some personal experiences to share, and

interesting facts and stories. Unless you will be talking for a couple minutes, even boring facts

can ignite a conversation.

You could say, “I took my car to the mechanic last week for an oil change.” Depending

on who you are talking with, they may ask some questions or make some comments. You could

just follow up with a question, “What Mechanic do you like to use?”

Conversation Questions

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When you walk into conversation, you need to be ready with around five questions. A

good question will ignite conversations.

Every situation is different and you will have to tailor you questions. Below I have a few

different categories of question. Just select a few you would like to use. In the appendix there is a

longer list.

Remembering F.O.R.T.H. (Family, Occultation, Recent Events, Things, and Hobbies will help

you think of questions.

Use the following questions to ask about F.O.R.T.H.

1. Any Questions about F.O.R.T.H.

a. Do you have any family? How many siblings? How many kids? Ages?

b. How do you like to spend your time?

c. What are your hobbies?

d. What do you do for an occupation?

e. What have you been busy with lately?

2. What do you know about ______ (Recent news item, etc)

3. What is new with _______?

4. What do you enjoy about ________(Raising kids, working in Management, etc)?

5. How did you get involved in ________(career, meet your spouse, etc)?

6. What do you find challenging about…. (raising kids, your job, college, etc)?

7. How is your ______ (family, mother, friend)?

8. What do you think about _________?

9. Tell me about __________.

This will instantly make you great at conversation. Just pause to think of a few questions and

topics before chatting with someone. As time passes, you will become better at this. It will

automatically happen

Action Plan

Think of five conversation topics and five conversation questions. With these you are ready, for

conversation.

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Chapter 6

Releasing your Abilities

In the last hour or so, you have learned five principles. You may feel a little overwhelmed

with the info. This section should help.

Step #1: Understand that you will probably not be able to apply everything you learned right

away. It will take some practice. However, remember that just applying any of these principles

will improve your abilities instantly.

Step #2: Review the principles and understand how they operate in conversation.

As you approach and greet the other person you are applying Principle #1 and Principle #2:

Principle #1: Treat the other Person as if they are the most important person in the

world.

Principle #2: Act and think like a Confident, friendly person who is great at

conversation.

Key #1: Ask yourself “How would a Confident, Friendly Person Act in this

Situation”?

Key #2: P.R.E.S.S yourself to look, Act and feel confident.

Posture straight

Relaxed body

Eye contact

Smiling

Speak Clearly

Key #3: Expect other people to want to talk with you and enjoy being in your

presence.

Now you continue to apply the first two principles and add the third.

Principle #3 Shine your spotlight of interest, attention, and appreciation on the other

person.

Somewhere you apply the next Principle:

Principle #4: Easily start Conversations with the CQ method and using FORTH.

Family

Occupation

Recent events

Things

Hobbies

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After the conversation is going, apply the next principle to keep the conversation flowing.

Principle #5: When not listening Give, Use, and Ask for Free Nuggets of Information.

Before the conversation, you should have had your 55 Principle ready.

Principle #6: Use the 55 Principle with your 5 topics and questions.

You are now equipped. Use them. You will see a noticeable difference right away.

However, this is just the start. As you continue to use these principles, you will become more

proficient. To continue to improve, spend 10 minutes a day focused on talking with an individual

or the mirror. This will unlock your abilities.

From the Author:

I want to help people improve their conversation skills. If you have any ideas or feedback on this

book, please drop me a note at:

[email protected]

Austin Barnes

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Appendix: Questions to Start Conversations and Keep them

Interesting.

� What have you done for fun lately?

� Did anything interesting happen this

week?

� What are you doing to stay busy

these days?

� How did you end getting into this

career

� What are major challenges you face

in parenting these two kids?

(Working at this job, doing this

project, etc.)

� What books, movies, tapes,

magazines do you like? Why?

� How do you spend most of your

time?

� If you could live in anywhere which

would you choose and why?

� Who is one person who has had a lot

of influence on your life? Why?

� You look really nice, where did you get

________?

� How was work?

� Have you seen any movies recently?

How did you like it/them?

� What kind of music do you listen to?

� Ask if they saw an interesting TV

program.

� What sports do you play or like? How

long have you played for?

� What did you do this weekend (week)?

� Have you been to _________?

� What kind of foods do you like?

� Where are you from?

� Where did you go to school/college?

� Have you read any good books lately?

What did you enjoy about them?

� What do you normally do for fun?

� Do you like (an interest of yours)?

� If you could live anywhere in the world,

where would it be and why?

� What place do you want to visit most?

� If you couldn't do what you are doing for

a living, what else would you do?

� If you could interview anyone living or

dead, who would it be?

� If you knew then, what you know now,

what would you have done different in

your teen years?

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� If your house were on fire and you, your

family and pets were all out safely and

you could only grab 3 things to take out,

what would they be?

� What is your earliest childhood

memory?

� If you were to describe the perfect

marriage in a few simple sentences, how

would you do it?

� If you wrote a book, what would it be

about?

� I you knew you'd be financially taken

care of for the next year, what would you

do with your time or where would you

go?

� What childhood games do you remember

playing?

� If you knew you had 24 hours to live

what would you do?

� If you could be invisible for a day, where

would you go, and what would you do?

� What are some of your greatest

fears?

� What has been the happiest day of

your life?

� If you could change one thing in the

world what would you change?

� If you could change one thing about

yourself what would you change?

� What is the most important thing in

your life?

� What is the one thing you couldn’t

live without?

� What is your favorite movie of all

time? Why?

� What is your favorite book of all

time? Why?

� What is the hardest thing about

being _____ years old?

� What is the best thing about being

______ years old?

� Describe your perfect day.

� What job would you never want to

have?

� Who is your best friend? Why are

they your best friend?

� Would you rather mow the lawn for 8

hours or r give a book report in front

of 500 kids?

� What’s your favorite car and why?

� Who would you most like to meet?

� In what other country would you

most like to live?

� What things don’t boys understand

about girls?

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� What things don’t girls understand

about boys?

� What embarrasses you the most?

� If you could take a family vacation

any place in the world, where would

you go?

� If you had three wishes, what would

they be? (You’re not allowed to wish

for money or another wish!)

� How do you know the host here at

the party.