Contents · Stay Cool 3 The Author Patrick Coffin is the creator and host of The Patrick Coffin...

Stay Cool

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www.patrickcoffin.media

Patrick Coffin 2016 All rights reserved [TM]

Contents

THE AUTHOR .................................................................................................................................................................... 3

DEDICATIONS ................................................................................................................................................................... 4

INTRODUCTION ............................................................................................................................................................... 5

FIGHT, FLIGHT & FREEZE ............................................................................................................................................. 7

THE FIVE ENVIRONMENTS ......................................................................................................................................... 9

FOUR MARRIAGE MURDERERS ............................................................................................................................... 11

THE WHAT VS. THE WAY ...........................................................................................................................................12

GOD’S WORD ON ANGER .......................................................................................................................................... 13

STEADY RECOVERY VS. INSTANT CURE ............................................................................................................ 15

LAST (FIRST) WORD ON LOVE ............................................................................................................................... 16

RECOMMENDED RESOURCES .................................................................................................................................17

http://www.patrickcoffin.media/

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The Author

Patrick Coffin is the creator and host of The Patrick Coffin Show podcast and The

Fact Is YouTube video series (patrickcoffin.media). He was the host of the popular

podcast Catholic Answers Focus, and, for seven and a half years, hosted the highly

rated national radio show Catholic Answers Live, heard on over 380 stations.

Catholic Answers Live was voted Best Radio Show by the readers of About.com

(2012); the highest rated show on the Immaculate Heart Radio Network (2013); and

winner of the #stgabrielawards Hipster Award for Best Show two years in a row (2015

and 2016). Patrick is a featured presenter in the DVD Symbolon, Beloved, and Forgiven

series, produced by the Augustine Institute.

He has also interviewed an eclectic array of guests, including Academy-Award

winning actor-director Kevin Costner, Grammy Award winning singer-actor Harry

Connick, Jr., presidential candidates Newt Gingrich, Sen. Rick Santorum, Gov. Bobby

Jindal, and Pat Buchanan; plus dozens of writers, philosophers, bishops, and cardinals

from around the world.

Born and raised in Nova Scotia, Patrick has advanced degrees in philosophy and

theology from McGill University in Montreal and Franciscan University of Steubenville,

Patrick is also an author (Sex Au Naturel), a movie producer (Call of the Void)

and a professional magician and mind hacker (coffinmagic.com). He lives

with his family in Southern California, where he trawls the beach in vain for a Tim

Horton’s coffee.


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DEDICATIONS

To my parents, Jack and Marian Coffin. The ups and inevitable downs of 56

years (and counting!) of marriage have been no match for your commitment to true

love. I love you both with all my heart.

To my sister, Cindy. I wish I had half your bounce-back skills in the face of life’s

challenges. Hey, wait a second—maybe you are mom and dad’s favorite.

To my daughters, Mariclare, Sophia, and St. Naomi (+2006). I still haven’t figured

out what I did to deserve the best PBLs (precious baby loves) in the world.

I love being your Dad.

Finally, to my wife, Mariella. Thank you for being the sandpaper for this

blockhead, softening my corners and helping me to see that love is not a two-way

street but two one-way streets.


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Introduction

The advice contained in this booklet has been forged on the anvil of live radio and

from what I have learned as a co-worker, a son, a husband, a brother, and a father.

Links to the resources I recommend in this book are available at my website,

patrickcoffin.media. To save you time, I have listed them in one place on the last page

of this book.

Let me say up front that I am no expert in psychology nor do I have any special

training as a therapist or life coach. In fact, most of what I’m going to share with you

has come by way of the many mistakes and missteps I have made in the battle to

conquer my own fallen, grasping, self.

Another little confession: I am not a naturally patient person. I am that

argumentative type who downright enjoys arguing things to their minutest detail. I

also have a bit of a temper (which is the way people with tempers put it). You might

feel I’m exaggerating if your only exposure to me is as the host of Catholic Answers

Live or of the podcast Catholic Answers Focus. That’s because one is on one’s best

behavior on the air—the audio equivalent of one’s Sunday best!

Still, I place a very high premium on trying. And from trying is grown improving.

My live broadcast experience has provided ample opportunities for trying and for

improving, focusing as it has on explaining and defending the teachings of Jesus

Christ and His Catholic Church.

There is no more controversial religion in the world than Catholicism. Her creed

and code inspire deep love and admiration in some, intense hatred and vilification in

others. Rare is the soul who looks at the Catholic Church and says, “meh.”

I am sharing below what I’ve learned from thousands of on-air conversations that

have been charged with emotional intensity, personal prejudice, and irrational hatred.


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Paradoxically, your efforts at staying cool when an argument heats up will often

fail if your goal is to win the argument. People can tell when they’re not being listened

to, only preached at. The secret to success (though not perfection) is not rhetorical

force or logic, but a commitment to listening. What is the person really saying? If

arguing becomes a game which you must win at all costs, you can kiss peace and

resolution good-bye.

Dr. Abraham Low, MD (1891–1954), founder of the Recovery International

movement, helped millions of people with temper and self-management difficulties.

One of his insights has to do with what he called symbolic victories.

The idea behind symbolic victories is that if I must constantly feel morally superior

in all conflicts and that I must dominate the proceedings, either as the innocent victim-

martyr or as the conquering hero, I’m always going to be in “battle-ready” mode, and

never at peace. More on that later.

In the 1961 movie version of West Side Story, the character Ice gives his fellow

Jets (who are at this point murderously angry) some advice in the song and dance

number Cool:

Boy, boy, crazy boy,

Get cool, boy!

Got a rocket in your pocket,

Keep coolly cool, boy!

Don't get hot,

'Cause man, you got

Some high times ahead.

Take it slow and Daddy-O,

You can live it up and die in bed!


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Boy, boy, crazy boy!

Stay loose, boy!

Breeze it, buzz it, easy does it.

Turn off the juice, boy!

Go man, go,

But not like a yo-yo schoolboy.

Just play it cool, boy,

Real cool!

Music by Leonard Bernstein, lyrics by Stephen Sondheim, 1957, all rights reserved.

Good advice.

If the Sharks and Jets had followed it, West Side Story may have stayed a drama

and not mushroomed into a tragedy.

Fight, Flight & Freeze

We’ve all had the experience of standing around the water cooler at work, or in

the boss’s office, or with the guy in the next cubicle. You’re chatting; nothing heavy or

controversial. But before you know it, a “hot button” topic arises and a disagreement

starts.

Still, as button temperatures go, they’re usually not terribly hot: sports team

loyalty, taste in movies, what a politician just said, whether Courier or Cambria font is

best for a PowerPoint slide show.

But minor conflicts can quickly go major, and major ones can go nuclear. And

before you know it, you feel your heart racing, and now you’re on the defensive with

nowhere to turn.


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The stakes suddenly feel like life or death. How dare he say that to me? Who does

she think she is? I can’t believe I’m hearing this! As soon as he shuts up I’m going to let

him have it!

How can you defuse high-conflict conversation bombs before they explode?

Before that can happen, let’s look at the dynamic from a neurochemical point of view.

We are bodies as well as souls, and our brain—among other incredible things—is an

organ. Dr. Walter Cannon of Harvard University coined the term “fight or flight” back

in 1915 to describe the chemical release in the brain when a person is faced with what

is, or is perceived to be, a threat or attack.

Under great stress, this fight-or-flight mechanism kicks in. Symptoms include

rapid heart rate, dilated pupils, tunnel vision, and (interestingly) hearing loss. In a major

argument, you literally stop hearing all that the other person is saying. In addition to

fight and flight, there is a third reaction, and that is freeze. We can feel dazed and

paralyzed when a scream-fest erupts.

While we can’t control what doctors call an autonomic bodily reaction, we can

control what we do about it. We can control the next thing we do, the next word we

say. This is better known as willpower. To learn more about the cues and rewards that

shape habits, check out The Power of Habit by Charles Duhigg.

In that moment after the fight/flight/freeze neurochemical brain bath, you can

determine what happens next: to respond likewise in anger, to respond without

drama, or not to respond at all. Remember, silence isn’t merely bronze or silver…


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The Five Environments

First, let’s look at the four basic environments in which arguments can heat up in

the first place: 1) workplace, 2) school, 3) church, and 4) marriage.

Workplace tension due to habitual arguing can be a source of serious emotional

stress. It doesn’t have to be overt threats of violence to have a lasting negative effect.

In fact, the “slow burn” of unresolved ongoing interpersonal conflict can be worse

than a blow-up. Sometimes relief and peace can only come from catharsis, the word

Aristotle used to describe the release felt by an audience watching a drama.

Let’s face it. Some people are not happy unless they’re locking horns with

someone about something. Their default is set for conflict. They’re heat-seeking

gossips, ever prowling for new ways to charge the air with tension. You say it’s raining,

and they correct you that it’s technically closer to sleet. You send a group email about

the staff luncheon, and they send back a public sarcastic correction about your

missing semi-colon.

And then there is the passive aggressor. Passive aggressors convey malice

through behaviors like deliberately low productivity, ignoring legitimate requests, and

one-word answers to complex questions. Their specialty is asking, “Why are you so

upset?” when they have (successfully!) worn you down with their negativity.

At its core, passive aggression is rooted in the fear of confronting the one who has

aggrieved or offended us. It’s a cousin of gossip, the targeting of absent third parties

for criticism. Both are forms of cowardice and both are injurious to productivity, not to

mention inner peace and a functioning work environment.

If you can, stay away from the passive aggressor. You’re not going to stop them

from playing a game whose reward is a reaction from you. If it’s your boss, you can

still avoid most of the problems by applying the tools below, depending on the

severity of the problem. The key is to realize your limits.


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Experienced therapists agree that the greatest source of these needs stems from

your family of origin—the founding matrix, so to speak, within which you were formed

and learned how to relate to those around you. I once watched a TV documentary

about a kindly judge who said something while sentencing a father who had

physically abused his toddler son. The judge told him, “Hurt people hurt people.”

The school environment, whether in the classroom/lecture hall or the staff

lounge, is usually a friendlier place with fewer potential conflicts. That’s the good

news. But because education is an important topic, the same tools sometimes need

to come into play. The fact is, a good grade may be riding on how well you negotiate

the mood swings of a cantankerous teacher. Any of the above workplace challenges

can appear in the school environment.

The church environment has the higher likelihood for conflict because they touch

upon the most important things in life. Interestingly, I’ve seen more verbal clashing in

parish settings over trivial minutiae than over, say heresy from the pulpit or major

theological errors in the RCIA program. For some, they feel they need to put their

dukes up, because they’re doing it to defend God’s honor.

If an argument seems to be brewing in any of these environments, ask yourself

two questions:

1) With whom am I about to argue? The FedEx delivery guy? Your mother-in-law?

Pastor? Fellow lector? The answer will modify, and possibly nullify, the next

thing you say.

2) Is this the right time and place to be arguing? Even if an honest disagreement

crops up, now may not be the best time to engage in it. We’ve all seen verbal

clashes arise in the worst times and places (church foyers, neighbors’ dinner

tables, outdoor cafes, carnival ride line-ups, etc.) The decision to wait and/or

plan a good time to talk about it buys you some precious time to see the

dispute in a more reasonable light.


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3) Is it even important enough to argue about? So often, people launch into an

argument over nothing except having something to argue about. Next time, try

to decline being the tango partner in an energy-wasting confrontation. An

excellent book about vital exchanges and how to speak in win-win terms is

Crucial Conversations by Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan, and Al

Switzler.

Four Marriage Murderers

Now let’s look at the fundamental human relationship, the one with the most

intimate and important subject matter: the nuptial relationship of husband and wife.

Dr. John Gottman, after more than 35 years of research in the area of identifying

and resolving marital discord, famously claims to predict divorce in trouble couples

with over 90% accuracy based on the way they argue.

The premise is that conflict is not “bad” in itself but inevitable, merely factual. It

also constitutes a kind of test of the quality of the relationship. The real question is not

that conflict exists, but how spouses deal with it. Gottman has identified four

destructive behaviors he nicknames the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse because

their unchallenged presence can destroy a marriage permanently: criticism, contempt,

defensiveness, and stonewalling. I recommend his book, co-written with Nan Silver,

The Seven Principles of Making a Marriage Work, which develops and expands upon

his method, and describes these Four Horsemen in greater detail.


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The What vs. The Way

As all married folk know, the way is much more important than the what. In other

words, the content (the words themselves) carries far less meaning than the form (the

manner in which the words are conveyed) does.

Think about it. If said sarcastically, the words “I love you” can mean “I hate you”

and the words “I hate you” (if said out of hurt) can mean ”I love you.”

In her book Never Be Nervous Again, communication consultant Dorothy Sarnoff

cites research indicating that content represents only about 7% of what is recalled as

important by an audience later on. Interestingly, Archbishop Fulton Sheen, the famous

TV preacher and author, also believed his actual content made up only about 7% of

his impact.

So what about the other 93%? What is truly remembered and retained? Sarnoff

says it’s a combination of body language, tone of voice, and the general sense of

being at ease with yourself and your message—or not. How persuasive is a salesman

who refuses to make eye contact? How interesting—usually—are speeches that are

completely unrehearsed?

All this brings to mind the famous maxim of Marshall McLuhan: “the medium is

the message.” Among other things, the saying means that the carrier of a message is

not only inseparable from the message but renders it present in a way that is both

unique and distinct from it.

In other words, a “Dear John” letter that tells you she’s breaking up with you sent

by email or text has a very different impact from a hand-written one. There is

something much more “connective” and personal about the curves of hand-drawn

cursive on paper compared to the pixelated pattern of text on a glass screen. A

spoken speech is experienced differently by an audience than if they are given the

text of the speech to read themselves.


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And so on. Significantly, McLuhan (a convert to the Catholic faith) also wrote, “In

Jesus Christ, there is no distance or separation between the medium and the

message: it is the one case where we can say that the medium and the message are

fully one and the same.” We do well to read the four Gospels to learn from the best

communicator in the world.

Even font affects the message as Cleveland Cavaliers owner Dan Gilbert found

out the hard way. When he typed out his public 2010 rant about losing star player

LeBron James, he unthinkingly used Comic Sans. He was roundly mocked in the press

for not seeing how his chosen medium undermined his message.

His way got in the way of his what. Sorry, Dan, Comic Sans is for six-year-olds

and grandmas only.

God’s Word on Anger

The Bible offers practical insights on sinful anger. There are 329 references to

anger in Scripture. The word ‘angry’ appears 117 times. Here is a very small sample:

◉ “A God merciful and gracious, slow to anger, and abounding in steadfast love

and faithfulness…” (Exodus 34:6).

◉ “The Lord is slow to anger, and abounding in steadfast love, forgiving iniquity

and transgression.” (Numbers 14:18).

◉ “He who is slow to anger has great understanding, but he who has a hasty

temper exalts folly.” (Proverbs 14:29).


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◉ “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” (Proverbs

15:1).

◉ “But I say to you that every one who is angry with his brother shall be liable to

judgment; whoever insults his brother shall be liable to the council, and

whoever says, `You fool!' shall be liable to the hell of fire.” (Matthew 5:22).

◉ “Be angry but do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger.” (Ephesians

4:26).

◉ “Let every man be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger, for the anger of

man does not work the righteousness of God.” (James 1:19-20).

◉ “Then the dragon was angry with the woman, and went off to make war on the

rest of her offspring, on those who keep the commandments of God and bear

testimony to Jesus.” (Revelation 12:17).

These verses, of course, are talking about sinful anger, not the feeling or emotion

of anger, which can be helpful. It can be the impetus for correcting evils, for example.

What Scripture condemns primarily are actions done under the impulse of the

emotion with the intention to inflict harm. The Catechism of the Catholic Church defines

anger in an interesting way: “Anger is a desire for revenge. ‘To desire vengeance in

order to do evil to someone who should be punished is illicit,’ but it is praiseworthy to

impose restitution ‘to correct vices and maintain justice.’ If anger reaches the point of

a deliberate desire to kill or seriously wound a neighbor, it is gravely against charity;

it is a mortal sin. The Lord says, ‘Everyone who is angry with his brother shall be liable

to judgment.’”


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Steady Recovery vs. Instant Cure

Near the start of this book, I mentioned Recovery International. It’s not a spiritual

program like Alcoholics Anonymous, but it offers insights into anger management and

self-awareness that are powerful and practical. As I mentioned, its founder was Dr.

Abraham Low, a Polish-Jewish neuropsychiatrist and critic of Freudian

psychoanalysis. I love his simple, direct maxims. Try a few on for size, reading slowly

to let them sink in:.

◉ Temper is, among other things, blindness to the other side of the story.

◉ There is no right or wrong in the trivialities of everyday life.

◉ Don't take our own dear selves too seriously.

◉ Feelings should be expressed and temper suppressed.

◉ Feelings are not facts.

◉ Fear is a belief—beliefs can be changed.

◉ Bear the discomfort in order to gain comfort.

◉ Hurt feelings are just beliefs not shared.

◉ Tempers are frequently uncontrolled, but not uncontrollable.

And, my personal favorite:

◉ People do things that annoy us, not necessarily to annoy us.

Dr. Low’s classic book is titled Mental Health Through Will Training. The language

is a bit dated; the truths are timeless.


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Last (First) Word On Love

If you were to sit down and write out a list of qualities of love, what adjective

would you write first? “Nice”? “Tender”? “Great”? “Sweet”?

Of all the words at his disposal, St. Paul put “patient” at the head of his list of love’s

qualities in 1 Corinthians 13:4. The original Greek word is makrothyméō, meaning to

persevere patiently and bravely amidst misfortunes and troubles, or to be long-

suffering.

When it comes to growing in emotional maturity and speaking more effectively,

the first person with whom we must be patient is ourselves. When an argument heats

up, the one you’re first contending with is you. You can’t control the other person’s

reactions but you can control yours.

So the real victory comes down to self-management. Winning that battle isn’t an

overnight event nor is it wrought by magic. It’s a lifelong struggle. The English nursery

rhyme gets it right: “One foot up, one foot down, that’s the way to London town.”

Finally, a saying attributed to the Greek philosopher Plato is, “Be kind to everyone

you meet because everyone you meet is fighting a great battle.”

You, too, are fighting a great battle. So be kind to yourself.

Keep in touch at patrickcoffin.media. I’m on Facebook:

https://www.facebook.com/PatrickCoffin.Author.RadioHost.Speaker

and

on Twitter: @Patrick_Coffin.

I’d like to hear your success stories of staying cool when the argument heats up.

PS: Never, but never, get into an argument by email, text, or Facebook. Pick up

the phone. Better still, meet in person and talk things through.


https://www.facebook.com/PatrickCoffin.Author.RadioHost.Speaker

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RECOMMENDED RESOURCES

Visit patrickcoffin.media to learn more about the following resources recommended

in this ebook:

The Power of Habit: Why We Do What We Do in Life and Business, by Charles Duhigg.

Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High by Kerry Patterson,

Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan, and Al Switzler.

Mental Health Through Will Training, by Dr. Abraham Low, MD.

Overcoming Sinful Anger, by Father Thomas Morrow.

The Ignatius Bible: Revised Standard Version, Second Catholic Edition

Catechism of the Catholic Church

Be a saint; what else is there?


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