Confronting Abusive Confronting Abusive Relationships Relationships

Lili Anderson, Ph. D.Lili Anderson, Ph. D.

BYU-Idaho Women’s Student AssociationBYU-Idaho Women’s Student Association

6 March 20046 March 2004

Basic QuestionsBasic Questions

What is abuse?What is abuse? Why does abuse happen?Why does abuse happen? How do I stay safe from abuse?How do I stay safe from abuse?

Kinds of AbuseKinds of Abuse

PhysicalPhysical

SexualSexual

VerbalVerbal

EmotionalEmotional

-- Any behavior that -- Any behavior that demonstrates a fundamental demonstrates a fundamental lack of respectlack of respect

Why does abuse happen?Why does abuse happen?

NOT because it is provokedNOT because it is provoked Relationship skill deficitsRelationship skill deficits Deeply embedded emotional Deeply embedded emotional

maladjustmentmaladjustment

How does one stay safe How does one stay safe from abuse?from abuse?

Understand cycle of abuseUnderstand cycle of abuse Healthy definition of loveHealthy definition of love Understand charity (get over Understand charity (get over

“rescuer” complex)“rescuer” complex) Develop and hold to good Develop and hold to good

boundariesboundaries

Abuse CycleAbuse Cycle

Build UpBuild Up ExplosionExplosion ““Honeymoon” PeriodHoneymoon” Period Build UpBuild Up

Healthy LoveHealthy Love

David O. McKay suggested that David O. McKay suggested that respect was more important than respect was more important than lovelove

Understand charityUnderstand charity Develop and hold to healthy Develop and hold to healthy

boundariesboundaries

Scriptural BasisScriptural BasisDoctrine and Covenants 88:21-24Doctrine and Covenants 88:21-24 21 And they who are not sanctified through the law which I have 21 And they who are not sanctified through the law which I have

given unto you, even the law of Christ, must inherit another given unto you, even the law of Christ, must inherit another kingdom, even that of a terrestrial kingdom, or that of a telestial kingdom, even that of a terrestrial kingdom, or that of a telestial kingdom.kingdom.

22 For he who is not able to abide the law of a celestial kingdom 22 For he who is not able to abide the law of a celestial kingdom cannot abide a celestial glory.cannot abide a celestial glory.

23 And he who cannot abide the law of a terrestrial kingdom 23 And he who cannot abide the law of a terrestrial kingdom cannot abide a terrestrial glory.cannot abide a terrestrial glory.

24 And he who cannot abide the law of a telestial kingdom cannot 24 And he who cannot abide the law of a telestial kingdom cannot abide a telestial glory; therefore he is not meet for a kingdom of abide a telestial glory; therefore he is not meet for a kingdom of glory. Therefore he must abide a kingdom which is not a glory. Therefore he must abide a kingdom which is not a kingdom of glory.kingdom of glory.

The Three Realm ModelThe Three Realm ModelRealms of Light and LawRealms of Light and Law

Celestial RealmCelestial Realm Terrestrial RealmTerrestrial Realm Telestial RealmTelestial Realm

Telestial RealmTelestial RealmLaws:Laws: Appetite SatisfactionAppetite Satisfaction

Immediate GratificationImmediate GratificationThe natural man rules The natural man rules

Doing exactly what you want to doDoing exactly what you want to do

Outcomes:Outcomes: 1- Pain 1- Pain (spiritual, emotional, (spiritual, emotional, perhaps even perhaps even

physical)physical)

2-Violence 2-Violence (spiritual, emotional, (spiritual, emotional, physical) physical)

3-Destruction 3-Destruction (spiritual, emotional, (spiritual, emotional, physical) physical)

Those living telestially are a “law unto themselves.”Those living telestially are a “law unto themselves.”

Terrestrial RealmTerrestrial Realm

Laws:Laws: Self-ControlSelf-ControlDeferred GratificationDeferred GratificationThe Natural Man is HarnessedThe Natural Man is Harnessed

Conforming to Accepted Standards of BehaviorConforming to Accepted Standards of Behavior

Outcomes:Outcomes: 1-External peace1-External peace2-Safety2-Safety

Those living terrestrial law are not offensive to God.Those living terrestrial law are not offensive to God.

In the terrestrial realm, In the terrestrial realm, obedience to basic obedience to basic

commandments creates commandments creates a a safety net..

Celestial RealmCelestial Realm

Law:Law: Christ-like BeingChrist-like Being

Integration of the heart with the Integration of the heart with the behaviorbehavior

Doing exactly what you want to do, which by the way, is God’s Doing exactly what you want to do, which by the way, is God’s

willwill..

Outcomes:Outcomes: 1-Peace that passes understanding1-Peace that passes understanding

2-Creation, new birth2-Creation, new birth

The celestial realm Must Be built upon a terrestrial foundation.The celestial realm Must Be built upon a terrestrial foundation.

Basic Principles of the Basic Principles of the Three Realm ModelThree Realm Model

1-You “can’t skip.” 1-You “can’t skip.” You can’t go from the You can’t go from the telestial realm to the celestial realm, telestial realm to the celestial realm, immediately. Celestial living must be built immediately. Celestial living must be built on a firm foundation of terrestrial principles.on a firm foundation of terrestrial principles.

2-The telestial realm mimics the celestial.2-The telestial realm mimics the celestial.

Telestial behaviors/institutions may mimic Telestial behaviors/institutions may mimic celestial forms, but the content is celestial forms, but the content is diametrically different. The celestial goal is diametrically different. The celestial goal is to save and bless, the Telestial goal is to to save and bless, the Telestial goal is to compel and control.compel and control.

Using the principles of the three Using the principles of the three realm model to understand safe realm model to understand safe boundaries in relationships.boundaries in relationships.

Doctrine & Covenants 121 – God’s Doctrine & Covenants 121 – God’s treatise on correct relationshipstreatise on correct relationships

Doctrine & Covenants 98 – Doctrinal Doctrine & Covenants 98 – Doctrinal “limits of long suffering” “limits of long suffering”

These things I have spoken to you, that in me you might have peace. In the world ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer;

I have overcome the world.

John 16:33

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