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CONFLICT RESOLUTION IN MARRIAGE

By Liliane Nahas, M.Ed., LPC, LMFT

Lets face it. Every couple in a committed relationship will argue at one point or another. Havingdisagreements is a normal part of a relationship. In fact, it can actually bring about greater intimacy if bothcouples can overcome these hurdles through dialogue and compromise.

The real challenge is not to let those disagreements turn into conflict gridlock. Understanding what it means

is the first step to unlocking it in your marriage.

Lisa and Bob met after they were recruited to work for a large accounting firm. She was struck by his quickwit and intelligence, and he couldnt resist her bright blue eyes. They spent long hours together at work, butcouldnt wait to see one another for dinner, drinks or weekend getaways.

I was totally crazy about him, said Lisa. We spent long hours talking about our hopes and dreams for thefuture, and I knew this was a man that I could spend my life with.

Married for five years, the couple recently had a son. And like many couples, the stress of two-careerhousehold and childcare issues has this once happy couple far from wedded bliss. Instead of long hourstalking about their future together, Lisa and Bob seem to argue constantly about time spent caring for theirson.

Its like the same song, second verse, over and over again, said Bob. We keep arguing about the sameissues and nothing ever gets resolved.

Lisa and Bob are experiencing the same roadblock many couples face conflict gridlock. As the words imply,it is the inability to resolve conflict. Couples feel hopelessly stuck and unable to move forward and find asolution to their problem. They are angry, resentful and frustrated. In fact, every argument finds its way backto the same issue time and time again. They feel so helpless that they shut down emotionally. These aredisaster couples.

In his groundbreaking research studying over 3,000 couples, Dr. John Gottman concluded that the key toending gridlock is not to solve the problem. Rather, the key is to move from gridlock to dialogue, becoming amaster couple. Dr. Gottman is world renowned for his work on marital stability and divorce prediction,involving the study of emotions, physiology, and communication.

Gottman-trained therapist Dr. Don Cole says the first step to understanding gridlock, is to first understand itscause.

Every couple comes to the relationship with dreams, said Cole. Its the hopes or aspirations of what they

want in their lives. Gridlock occurs when those dreams arent being realized or respected.

Dreams take on many forms. There are the practical dreams of how much money should be saved for a newhome or for retirement. There are dreams involving careers, lifestyle or education. Dreams can also be veryprofound. Whatever the dream, it guides an individuals life and gives purpose and meaning to it.

Lisa and Bobs distress led them to a therapist who helped them identify their dreams and move from gridlockto dialogue. In Lisas case, her dream was to have a father for her son, a father who would be active in childrearing, not absent like her own father. Bob wanted to have a wife who would love him unconditionally, andbe there for him in good times and bad. Both couples dreams were deeply rooted in their respectivechildhoods.

Some couples are able to identify their dreams very easily, said Gottman-trained therapist Carrie Cole.But others find it very difficult because their dreams are hidden. These couples may need the help of aprofessional. Once the root of the dream is discovered, real dialogue can take place, and that is whereunlocking the gridlock begins.

Breaking down the gridlock isnt always easy, but there are steps you can take with your partner to stopshouting and start talking. Heres how:

1. Make a date. Plan at least one hour of uninterrupted time for you and your partner to talk. Choose aquiet place with few distractions. Turn off your phone and pager. Hire a babysitter.

2. Talk and Listen. Listen and Talk. This means, allow your partner time to talk. Then, its your turn.

3. Be Honest tell your partner your position and what it means to you. Describe how you feel, whatyou want and why it is so important to you. Talk only about your feelings, and your needs using I words.

4. Listen with your heart. Listen to your partner the way you would listen to a dear friend. Suspend

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judgment, and dont spend time thinking of comebacks or ways to solve the problem. Just hear what yourpartner has to say with compassion and respect. Use questions like, what do you want?, or what do thesethings mean to you?

Couples who are able to communicate on this level, with respect and compassion are well on their way tobecoming masters, even if some conflicts are never quite resolved. These perpetual issues may ariseagain, so pay attention to them so that it they dont become another roadblock to your relationship.

No one gets married to fight, and conflicts do occur. But as Dr. Gottman wrote, acknowledging and

respecting each others deepest, most personal hopes and dreams is the key to saving and enriching yourmarriage.

By Liliane Nahas, M.Ed., LPC, LMFT

Lets face it. Every couple in a committed relationship will argue at one point or another. Havingdisagreements is a normal part of a relationship. In fact, it can actually bring about greater intimacy if bothcouples can overcome these hurdles through dialogue and compromise.

The real challenge is not to let those disagreements turn into conflict gridlock. Understanding what it meansis the first step to unlocking it in your marriage.

Lisa and Bob met after they were recruited to work for a large accounting firm. She was struck by his quickwit and intelligence, and he couldnt resist her bright blue eyes. They spent long hours together at work, butcouldnt wait to see one another for dinner, drinks or weekend getaways.

I was totally crazy about him, said Lisa. We spent long hours talking about our hopes and dreams for thefuture, and I knew this was a man that I could spend my life with.

Married for five years, the couple recently had a son. And like many couples, the stress of two-careerhousehold and childcare issues has this once happy couple far from wedded bliss. Instead of long hourstalking about their future together, Lisa and Bob seem to argue constantly about time spent caring for theirson.

Its like the same song, second verse, over and over again, said Bob. We keep arguing about the sameissues and nothing ever gets resolved.

Lisa and Bob are experiencing the same roadblock many couples face conflict gridlock. As the words imply,it is the inability to resolve conflict. Couples feel hopelessly stuck and unable to move forward and find asolution to their problem. They are angry, resentful and frustrated. In fact, every argument finds its way backto the same issue time and time again. They feel so helpless that they shut down emotionally. These aredisaster couples.

In his groundbreaking research studying over 3,000 couples, Dr. John Gottman concluded that the key toending gridlock is not to solve the problem. Rather, the key is to move from gridlock to dialogue, becoming amaster couple. Dr. Gottman is world renowned for his work on marital stability and divorce prediction,involving the study of emotions, physiology, and communication.

Gottman-trained therapist Dr. Don Cole says the first step to understanding gridlock, is to first understand itscause.

Every couple comes to the relationship with dreams, said Cole. Its the hopes or aspirations of what theywant in their lives. Gridlock occurs when those dreams arent being realized or respected.

Dreams take on many forms. There are the practical dreams of how much money should be saved for a newhome or for retirement. There are dreams involving careers, lifestyle or education. Dreams can also be veryprofound. Whatever the dream, it guides an individuals life and gives purpose and meaning to it.

Lisa and Bobs distress led them to a therapist who helped them identify their dreams and move from gridlockto dialogue. In Lisas case, her dream was to have a father for her son, a father who would be active in childrearing, not absent like her own father. Bob wanted to have a wife who would love him unconditionally, andbe there for him in good times and bad. Both couples dreams were deeply rooted in their respectivechildhoods.

Some couples are able to identify their dreams very easily, said Gottman-trained therapist Carrie Cole.But others find it very difficult because their dreams are hidden. These couples may need the help of aprofessional. Once the root of the dream is discovered, real dialogue can take place, and that is whereunlocking the gridlock begins.

Breaking down the gridlock isnt always easy, but there are steps you can take with your partner to stopshouting and start talking. Heres how:

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1. Make a date. Plan at least one hour of uninterrupted time for you and your partner to talk. Choose aquiet place with few distractions. Turn off your phone and pager. Hire a babysitter.

2. Talk and Listen. Listen and Talk. This means, allow your partner time to talk. Then, its your turn.

3. Be Honest tell your partner your position and what it means to you. Describe how you feel, whatyou want and why it is so important to you. Talk only about your feelings, and your needs using I words.

4. Listen with your heart. Listen to your partner the way you would listen to a dear friend. Suspendjudgment, and dont spend time thinking of comebacks or ways to solve the problem. Just hear what yourpartner has to say with compassion and respect. Use questions like, what do you want?, or what do thesethings mean to you?

Couples who are able to communicate on this level, with respect and compassion are well on their way tobecoming masters, even if some conflicts are never quite resolved. These perpetual issues may ariseagain, so pay attention to them so that it they dont become another roadblock to your relationship.

No one gets married to fight, and conflicts do occur. But as Dr. Gottman wrote, acknowledging andrespecting each others deepest, most personal hopes and dreams is the key to saving and enriching yourmarriage.