Conflict Resolution

Harlan Kilmon

Workshop Learning Workshop Learning ObjectivesObjectives Be better able to recognize how anger Be better able to recognize how anger

affects your body, your minds and your affects your body, your minds and your behavior.behavior.

Be better able to use the five-step method Be better able to use the five-step method to break old patterns and replace them with to break old patterns and replace them with a model for assertive conflict-resolution.a model for assertive conflict-resolution.

Be better able to control your own emotions Be better able to control your own emotions when faced with other peoples’ anger.when faced with other peoples’ anger.

Be better able to identify ways to help Be better able to identify ways to help other people safely manage some of their other people safely manage some of their repressed or expressed emotions.repressed or expressed emotions.

Understanding Our Understanding Our Reactions to ConflictReactions to Conflict

Our thoughts when we are faced with conflict.Our thoughts when we are faced with conflict. The emotions that conflict arouses.The emotions that conflict arouses. The ways we “act out” when we’re upset.The ways we “act out” when we’re upset. How we experience the world when we are How we experience the world when we are

upset.upset. How we act when we are upset.How we act when we are upset.

Think of conflict-related stress as five interrelated dimensions, all operating simultaneously.

Stress and AngerStress and Anger

a stuffy crowded department store at Christmas a stuffy crowded department store at Christmas timetime

a lively, noisy partya lively, noisy party a bus queue on a bitterly cold daya bus queue on a bitterly cold day a queue for the beach bar on some tropical islanda queue for the beach bar on some tropical island a corridor at worka corridor at work a store being evacuated because of a bomb scarea store being evacuated because of a bomb scare

Take a moment to image your reaction if someone bumps into you in these different situations:

Our Responses to Our Responses to Conflict-Related StressConflict-Related Stress Our physical reactions when we are Our physical reactions when we are

upset:upset:

Our emotions when we are upset:Our emotions when we are upset:

Our behavior when we are upset:Our behavior when we are upset:

Long term effect of all Long term effect of all these tensions in our these tensions in our bodybody

cause or exacerbate digestive disorders cause or exacerbate digestive disorders such ulcers such ulcers

create hypertension/high blood pressure create hypertension/high blood pressure raise cholesterol levels raise cholesterol levels damage and block our arteries damage and block our arteries aggravate bowel disease aggravate bowel disease

Long term effect of all Long term effect of all these tensions in our these tensions in our bodybody increase our susceptibility to infection increase our susceptibility to infection intensify pain intensify pain create headaches and sinus conditions create headaches and sinus conditions contribute to inflammatory conditions contribute to inflammatory conditions hinder our recovery from major traumas hinder our recovery from major traumas

such as operations or serious illnesses such as operations or serious illnesses

Anger Affects Our Anger Affects Our ThinkingThinking When might anger be an When might anger be an

appropriate response to conflict? appropriate response to conflict? When would anger be an When would anger be an

inappropriate response?inappropriate response? To help you determine whether To help you determine whether

anger is your best response, ask anger is your best response, ask yourself: yourself: Is my anger helping me Is my anger helping me or hurting meor hurting me??

Ways our thinking gets Ways our thinking gets distorteddistorted

MagnifyingMagnifying Destructive labelingDestructive labeling Imperative thinkingImperative thinking Mind readingMind reading

Interventions We Can Use Interventions We Can Use to Manage Conflictto Manage Conflict

Identifying provocationsIdentifying provocations Alternative explanationsAlternative explanations Combating distortionsCombating distortions Clarifying expectationsClarifying expectations Mental rehearsalMental rehearsal

Communication SkillsCommunication Skills

1.1. State feelings, not State feelings, not evaluations.evaluations.

2.2. State feelings, not solutions. State feelings, not solutions.

3.3. State feelings directly. State feelings directly.

When you are stating feelings, make your statements descriptions rather than judgments:

1.1. Non-Verbal Messages:Non-Verbal Messages: eye contact, eye contact, “flat to the face” shoulders, an alert “flat to the face” shoulders, an alert expression, head nodding, and a forward expression, head nodding, and a forward lean to the body expresses listening.lean to the body expresses listening.

2.2. Cues or Invitations:Cues or Invitations: these are the these are the phrases like “uh-huh, O.K., Yes, go on, phrases like “uh-huh, O.K., Yes, go on, etc. that signal our attention and invite etc. that signal our attention and invite an individual to continue talking.an individual to continue talking.

To improve your listening skills, use the three steps of Active Listening:

3.3.Clarification of what has been said:Clarification of what has been said: We can do this in one of several ways—by We can do this in one of several ways—by asking questions, summarizing what has asking questions, summarizing what has been said, or paraphrasing the message in been said, or paraphrasing the message in your own words.your own words.

Ask Questions to Clarify Ask Questions to Clarify UnderstandingUnderstanding

What do you think we can do about What do you think we can do about this?this?

What would you like me to stop doing?What would you like me to stop doing? Would it be helpful if I…?Would it be helpful if I…? Supposing we were to…?Supposing we were to…?

Ask Questions to Clarify Ask Questions to Clarify UnderstandingUnderstanding

Help me understand where you’re Help me understand where you’re coming from?coming from?

Let’s set a time when we can talk Let’s set a time when we can talk about the changes we’re both about the changes we’re both prepared to make.prepared to make.

I’m prepared to… Would that ease I’m prepared to… Would that ease the situation?the situation?

Positive AffectPositive Affect

1.1. Keep yourself in a positive mood. Keep yourself in a positive mood.

2. 2. Induce positive affect in others. Induce positive affect in others.

3.3. Find everyday uppers. Find everyday uppers.

4.4. Offer help whenever you can. Offer help whenever you can.

5.5. Be kind. Be kind.

What can you do as an individual to make positive affect work for you? Try these recommendations:

When Discussions When Discussions Degenerate Into ConflictDegenerate Into Conflict

BlendBlend visibly and audibly visibly and audibly BacktrackBacktrack or or echoecho some of their own some of their own

wordswords Clarify their Clarify their meaningmeaning, , intent intent and and

criteriacriteria SummarizeSummarize what you’ve heard. what you’ve heard. ConfirmConfirm to find out if you got it right. to find out if you got it right.

When you are discussing some issue with another person and it begins to get out of control, try these suggestions when the other person is talking:

Hold your ground, and use deep breathing Hold your ground, and use deep breathing to stay calmto stay calm

Interrupt the attack, by repeating their Interrupt the attack, by repeating their name several times.name several times.

Quickly backtrack or echo their main point Quickly backtrack or echo their main point to show them you have been respectfully to show them you have been respectfully listeninglistening

Aim for the bottom line by taking Aim for the bottom line by taking ownership and expressing the situation ownership and expressing the situation from your point of view.from your point of view.

Your action plan for angry, aggressive people should include:

No one cooperates with anyone who seems to No one cooperates with anyone who seems to be against them. In human relations there is no be against them. In human relations there is no middle ground. Unconsciously people want to middle ground. Unconsciously people want to know, “Are you with me or against me?” That’s know, “Are you with me or against me?” That’s one of the things you have in common with one of the things you have in common with your difficult people. your difficult people.

Express your truth in a way that builds Express your truth in a way that builds someone up rather than tears them down. someone up rather than tears them down. Show them how their behavior is self-Show them how their behavior is self-defeating. Suggest new behaviors or options.defeating. Suggest new behaviors or options.

Other important points to keep in mind when you are dealing with difficult people.

Assertiveness ModelAssertiveness ModelDefinitionsDefinitions CharacteristicsCharacteristics Major Major

ConsequenceConsequencess

Aggressive Aggressive BehaviorBehaviorNeeds and Needs and wants are wants are taken care of in taken care of in a forceful and a forceful and self-serving self-serving wayway

Self-servingSelf-servingDemandingDemandingDogmaticDogmaticCompetitiveCompetitivePushyPushyUse Use intimidation, intimidation, power and power and statusstatus

InsensitiveInsensitiveStrong need Strong need to control and to control and dominate dominate othersothersFear rejectionFear rejectionImpatientImpatientTemperamentTemperamentalal

May accomplishMay accomplishpersonal desire personal desire and goals but and goals but tends to alienate tends to alienate people, create people, create distrust and distrust and tension, and tension, and undermine the undermine the ability to ability to establish lasting establish lasting and healthy and healthy relationshipsrelationships

Manipulative Manipulative BehaviorBehaviorNeeds and Needs and wants are wants are taken care of in taken care of in an indirect, an indirect, cunning, cunning, deceptive, and deceptive, and crafty way with crafty way with ulterior ulterior motives in motives in mind.mind.

Game player Game player (using (using pouting, pouting, looking hurt, looking hurt, silence, silence, dropping dropping hints, flirting, hints, flirting, giving or giving or withholding withholding attention or attention or caring, and caring, and other indirect other indirect methods to methods to maneuver maneuver people). Use people). Use double double messages messages (say one thing (say one thing and mean and mean another).another).Hide real Hide real feelings and feelings and intentions.intentions.

Inward Inward feelings and feelings and outward outward expressions expressions often often incongruentincongruentRebelliousRebelliousGet defensive Get defensive and angry and angry when caught when caught manipulatingmanipulatingStrong need Strong need for approval for approval and attentionand attentionInsecure but Insecure but wear facadewear facadeDistrust Distrust othersothers

May be May be successful in successful in maneuvering maneuvering others in indirect others in indirect ways, but also ways, but also undermines undermines credibility and credibility and trust and causes trust and causes self to lose touch self to lose touch with real self and with real self and real feelingsreal feelings

Passive Passive BehaviorBehaviorNeeds and Needs and wants are taken wants are taken care of by care of by suppressing suppressing them or them or maneuvering maneuvering others to take others to take care of them. care of them. Passive people Passive people use use manipulative manipulative behaviors in behaviors in getting others getting others to take care of to take care of them.them.

Deny needs, Deny needs, subordinate subordinate them to them to others, or others, or manipulate manipulate others to others to take care of take care of themthemOften play Often play martyr rolemartyr roleCreate Create conditions in conditions in which others which others will take the will take the lead or make lead or make decisionsdecisionsFollowerFollowerTry to do Try to do what they what they think others think others expect of expect of themthem

Lack self-Lack self-confidenceconfidenceEasily Easily intimated intimated and and controlled by controlled by othersothersIndecisiveIndecisiveMoodyMoodyOccasionally Occasionally cash in on cash in on stored-up stored-up anger and anger and feelingsfeelingsUncertain Uncertain about who about who they arethey are

May result in some May result in some needs getting met needs getting met but often results in but often results in sacrificing needs, sacrificing needs, getting them met getting them met in inappropriate in inappropriate ways, and the loss ways, and the loss of identify and of identify and ability to take care ability to take care of selfof self

Assertive Assertive BehaviorBehaviorNeeds and Needs and wants are taken wants are taken care of by care of by knowing, knowing, accepting, and accepting, and acting on them acting on them in constructive, in constructive, straightforward, straightforward, and authentic and authentic ways.ways.

CaringCaringGenuineGenuineSensitive to Sensitive to the needs the needs and feelings and feelings of othersof othersUnselfishUnselfishExpress Express needs and needs and feelings in feelings in constructive constructive and and straightforwastraightforward waysrd waysPersistent Persistent without without being being offensive.offensive.

Level and Level and confront confront from caring from caring and and reasonable reasonable positionpositionGood sense Good sense of timing and of timing and judgment judgment about when about when to assert to assert themselvesthemselvesSelf-Self-confidentconfidentCalm in a Calm in a crisiscrisis

Able to know and Able to know and take care of needs take care of needs in a constructive in a constructive way without doing way without doing so at the expense so at the expense of othersof others

Strategies for Preventing Strategies for Preventing “Trash-bagging”“Trash-bagging”

Break the TensionBreak the Tension Try a 10 second Try a 10 second

massagemassage Change your postureChange your posture Reach out, by Reach out, by

extending your arms extending your arms and legsand legs

Close your eyes for a Close your eyes for a few seconds and shut few seconds and shut out the pressureout the pressure

Manage Your Manage Your ResponseResponse

Speak more slowlySpeak more slowly Get yourself a Get yourself a

drink of waterdrink of water Lean backLean back Keep your hands at Keep your hands at

your sidesyour sides Quiet yourselfQuiet yourself

Steps for Dealing with Steps for Dealing with Upset PeopleUpset People

1.1.Be glad when a person shares with you their Be glad when a person shares with you their feelings of discontent. It implies the person feelings of discontent. It implies the person still has confidence in your interest in the still has confidence in your interest in the problem and your ability to do something problem and your ability to do something about it. about it.

2.2.Think of the situation as an opportunity to Think of the situation as an opportunity to “shine”.“shine”.

3.3.Don’t take it personally, or become defensive.Don’t take it personally, or become defensive.

4.4.Show genuine care and concern.Show genuine care and concern.

5.5.ListenListen

Steps for Dealing with Steps for Dealing with Upset PeopleUpset People

6.6. Let the complaining person “vent”. Don’t Let the complaining person “vent”. Don’t interrupt with defensiveness.interrupt with defensiveness.

7.7. Politely interrupt the confused Politely interrupt the confused client/colleague and offer guidance.client/colleague and offer guidance.

8.8. Apologize assertively when you have Apologize assertively when you have made a mistake.made a mistake.

9.9. Express empathy, if it is genuine. Express empathy, if it is genuine.

10. If the upset person is a client, take notes 10. If the upset person is a client, take notes about the situation.about the situation.

Steps for Dealing with Steps for Dealing with Upset PeopleUpset People

11.11. Tell the upset person what you can do, Tell the upset person what you can do, what they can do, then what “we” will what they can do, then what “we” will do.do.

12.12. Try to find a solution you can both agree Try to find a solution you can both agree on.on.

13.13. Thank the person for sharing his or her Thank the person for sharing his or her concern.concern.

14.14. Follow up later, when appropriate.Follow up later, when appropriate.

15.15. Phrase your comments positively.Phrase your comments positively.

Steps for Dealing Steps for Dealing with Difficult Peoplewith Difficult People

Maintain a friendly Maintain a friendly and professional and professional attitudeattitude Acknowledge that a Acknowledge that a difficult situation exists.difficult situation exists. Calm the person by Calm the person by questioning and questioning and verifying that you verifying that you understandunderstand Focus the person on Focus the person on the problem.the problem. Handle the problem.Handle the problem.

Steps for Dealing Steps for Dealing with Angry Peoplewith Angry People

Listen closely so you Listen closely so you will understand the will understand the problemproblemAsk questions.Ask questions.ApologizeApologizeStay calm and don’t Stay calm and don’t take their anger take their anger personally.personally.Remain courteous.Remain courteous.Propose an action Propose an action plan; then follow-plan; then follow-through!through!

Surviving Stress When Surviving Stress When You Can’t Get AwayYou Can’t Get Away

1.1. Muscle tension and relaxation Muscle tension and relaxation

2.2. Deep breathing and Deep breathing and concentrationconcentration

3.3. Humor Humor

4. 4. Music or Exercise Music or Exercise

5.5. Visualization vacations Visualization vacations

6.6. Venting in a Safe Haven Venting in a Safe Haven

Coping with CriticismCoping with Criticism

Three Steps for Coping with CriticismStep 1:

• Listen attentively

• Make sure you understand the Criticism

• You may even paraphrase the other person’s remarks

Step 2:

Ask for details; find out as much as you can about the incident(s) described.

Ask a series of questions such as:• Who was involved?• What happened?• When did it happen?• Where did it happen?• How did it affect you?• Why do you feel it was improper?

Step 3:

Find something to agree with. You don’t need to admit you were wrong but it doesn’t hurt if you really were.

More important, you need to acknowledge the person’s right to criticize and to recognize the importance of the person’s concerns.

Facing an Angry OutburstFacing an Angry Outburst

Use positive self-talkUse positive self-talk Check your body languageCheck your body language Acknowledge the other person’s feelingsAcknowledge the other person’s feelings Share your own feelingsShare your own feelings Make a conciliatory gestureMake a conciliatory gesture Express your own needs and wants calmly Express your own needs and wants calmly

and persistentlyand persistently Use self-protective techniques to block Use self-protective techniques to block

criticismcriticism

De-Stress Options You De-Stress Options You Can Use Right Now!Can Use Right Now!

1.1. Belly BreathingBelly Breathing - Loosen your - Loosen your clothes, close your eyes, mentally clothes, close your eyes, mentally relax your body, and taken ten or relax your body, and taken ten or more deep breaths. more deep breaths.

2.2. VisualizeVisualize – Use positive imagery to – Use positive imagery to boost your confidence and enhance boost your confidence and enhance your visible performanceyour visible performance

3.3. MusicMusic – Music has the power to soothe, or – Music has the power to soothe, or to give us energy. It actually has healing to give us energy. It actually has healing power. power.

4.4. Acupressure and MassageAcupressure and Massage – hold a – hold a fingertip to the point of most pain or tension fingertip to the point of most pain or tension and press hard into the muscle can avert a and press hard into the muscle can avert a headache or relieve tension.headache or relieve tension.

5.5. LaughterLaughter – laugher is the best medicine of – laugher is the best medicine of all all

Personal Action PlanPersonal Action Plan

1.1.My current Conflict Management skills are My current Conflict Management skills are effective in the following areas:effective in the following areas:

2. I need to improve my Conflict 2. I need to improve my Conflict Management skills in the following areas:Management skills in the following areas:

3. My Conflict Management skills 3. My Conflict Management skills improvement goals are as follows: (Be sure improvement goals are as follows: (Be sure goals are specific, attainable and goals are specific, attainable and measurable.)measurable.)

4. These are my action steps and timetable 4. These are my action steps and timetable to accomplish my goals: to accomplish my goals: Steps to be taken Target date for completion Time Steps to be taken Target date for completion Time requiredrequired

5. These people and resources can help 5. These people and resources can help me accomplish my goals:me accomplish my goals: