Conflict resolution conversation

8/8/2019 Conflict resolution conversation

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When faced with a conflict, our natural reactions are based in biology. As described by the famous "Fight orFlight" syndrome, impending danger spurs us to either attack or run away. Unfortunately, "fight"tendencies can lead to destructive arguments, while "flight" reactions make us avoid difficult discussions.

And neither one will ever solve the problem! To replace conflict with problem resolution, you must overrideyour biology and make a plan for tackling those tough topics. Here's how to do that:

Step 1: Do the Prep

Managing a tough talk requires preparation. If you try to "wing it", the conversation is likely to

deteriorate in a matter of minutes. So here are the prep steps . . .

j Shift your emotions into neutral.

For this discussion, you need t

o have your feelings under control, not simmering right below the surface. This means waitingtill your anger or hurt has subsided, then trying to view the situation more objectively. Consider

these questions: How would the other person describe this situation? How would they describeyour attitude? What would an outside observer say about it?

j Clearly define your goal.

You must figure out what you want to accomplish with this conversation. You will then be ableto keep the discussion pointed in that direction. Otherwise, you may wander off into irrelevant

topics or rehash old arguments. If you have trouble defining your goal, perhaps you just want toget angry. If so, delay this talk until you can figure out what you want.

Example: Your project is being held up by a colleague who consistently fails to send you data when youneed it. Your goal is not to criticize this coworker, but to find a way to get the data.

j Prepare a non-confrontational opening statement.

The first sentence out of your mouth will set the tone for the entire discussion. The only time that you havecomplete control of the conversation is when you introduce the topic, so you must choose your words carefully.

Strive for neutral language which states the result you want and does not blame or judge .

Bad example: You are totally disorganized and never get your work done on time.

Better example: Iwould like for us to find a way to meet the deadlines on this project.

j Physically relax.

Reducing physical tension automatically reduces emotional tension. So before your tough talk, takesteps to physically relax. Take deep breaths, tense and release your muscles, go for a walk, visualizeyour favorite vacation spot - or whatever strategy works for you. You need to start this conversationfeeling relaxed, centered, and focused.


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Step 2: Focus on the Other Person

When we're irritated or upset, we want to immediately tell someone what they've done wrong and how theyshould change. That's just human nature. But, unfortunately, this is the sure path to a non-productiveargument. Instead, you should begin your tough talk by focusing on the other person.

j Tell them what you appreciate.

Find something that you truly appreciate about the person and incorporate that into your discussion. This

may be difficult, but most people have some redeeming qualities.

Example: I really do appreciate the time that you have put into this project.

j Describe their point of view.

Before launching into a lecture, describe how you believe the situation looks to the other party, even ifyou don't agree with it. This will let them know that you are not totally self-centered and have at leastconsidered their concerns.

Example: Since you're working on several important projects right now, I'm sure thatyou have a lot of competing priorities.

j Ask questions and listen.

To more fully understand their point of view, and to show that you want this to be a two-way discussion,you need to engage them by asking a relevant, open-ended question. Then listen - really listen. Don't justwait for them to finish so you can talk.

Example: What are the most critical projects that you're working on right now?

Step 3: Say What You Need

You have to be willing to say what you need in order for anything to change. Few people are good mindreaders. Saying what you need works better than telling others whats wrong with them.

j Make factual observations.

Try to differentiate fact from opinion and describe situations as objectively (and neutrally) as possible.

Example: You have a lot of high-priority projects, andIhave a project thatIcan'tcomplete without your help.

j Use I-statements.

An I-statement is simply a non-confrontational way to express how you feel or what you want instead ofcriticizing the other person. Start the sentence with "I" instead of "you", then say what you want or need.

Bad example: You need to start sending me the data on time.

Better example: Ineed to figure out how to get the data Ineed at the appropriate time.


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j Explain the "costs" of the problem.

Describe how this problem adversely affects you, the other person, the department, management,customers, etc.

Example: Although this seems like a small project, it effects the development of our

next generation of products. Until this project is completed, the product developmentteam can't establish a release date and the sales department can't take advance orders.

j Explain your feelings.

Telling someone how you feel is much more effective than acting out those feelings by yelling or soundingirritated.

Example: Ido get really frustrated when Ican't meet my deadlines because I'm waitingfor this data.

Step 4: Keep YourEyes on the Prize

Remember that you always want to keep moving this conversation towards your goal. This means exploring thesituation and looking for possible solutions.

j If you encounter resistance, explore, don't argue.

When someone pushes back, that's an invitation to argue - but this is one invitation that you don't want to accept.Instead, try to learn more about where the resistance is coming from. This will help you figure out how to approach

them.

Example: The other party says "Your project simply isn't a high priority at themoment." Instead of hotly defending the importance of your work, ask a question that willhelp you understand the situation. For example: Can you tell me what your schedule lookslike for the next two months?

j Identify the real issues.

Dont waste time arguing about symptoms instead of causes or about minor issues instead of majorones. Try to find the real source of the problem.

Example: I think the real issue is that we simply have conflicting priorities. We're bothtrying to get our jobs done and meet our objectives.

j Look for areas of agreement and common goals.

In most organizational or personal relationships, the people involved have some common interests. Agreeing on

shared goals can be an important step towards a collaborative solution.

Example: "Ican certainly see the importance of your critical projects, andI'm sure youcan understand my concerns. We both want to meet management's expectations, and thoseexpectations unfortunately seem to conflict.


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j Acknowledge your part in the problem.

Few issues are completely one-sided. Try to see how your own actions, behavior, or inaction may havecontributed. Consider the points made by the other person to see if they have validity.

Example: Imay not have clearly explained to management what will happen if my

project is late. They may not understand the connection to product development. Thatprobably has made it a lower priority for them.

Step 5: Reach Clear Agreements

Remember that you always want to keep moving this conversation towards your goal. This means exploring thesituation and looking for possible solutions.

j Look for creative compromises.

Frequently, "win-win" solutions can be found when people take time to explore the problem.

Example: Idon't think we can solve this without involving the people who set ourpriorities. So how about this - if we talk with both of our managers about theseconflicting priorities, perhaps the two of them can either make a decision or help us getsome clarification from upper management.

j Agree on specific action steps.

To insure that something actually gets accomplished, you need to reach agreement on who will do what.

Example: If it's okay with you, I'll go ahead and set up a meeting with the two

managers.I'll draft an email explaining the situation, then let you review it before

Isendit to them.

If all goes well with your tough talk, it may not even seem very tough after all!

Marie G. McIntyre, Ph.D.

All material on yourofficecoach.com is copyrighted to Marie G. McIntyre. All rightsreserved.

May be reproduced for non-commercial use with copyright and attribution towww.yourofficecoach.com.

Commercial use requires permission: [email protected] .


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Everyone needs to give feedback to others from time to time. If the feedback is positive, it's a pleasure.

But sometimes constructive feedback is required to suggest a change in someone's actions or behavior.

While these discussions can easily turn into arguments or conflicts, they should really be viewed as

problem-solving conversations. The following suggestions can make feedback more comfortable and

productive.

A. MANAGEYOUR ATTITUDE

y Stay calm: Unless a delay will result in disaster, never give anyone feedback when youre angry

or upset.

y Be clearabout your goals: Know what you want to accomplish by having this discussion.

Sacrifice smaller points in the interest of larger objectives.

y Express appreciation: Sincerely telling someone what you appreciate can make constructive

feedback easier to accept.

y Don't criticize orargue: You want problem-solving, not conflict. If you start to criticize or argue,

STOP!

B. EMPATHIZE

y Imagine their point of view: Try to put yourself in the other persons shoes. Anticipate their

reaction to your comments.

y Ask questions to understand their situation: If you aren't sure of their point of view, then ask

questions and listen. When someone gives you feedback, be sure that you understand their

viewpoint before you automatically launch into your counter-arguments.

C. NEUTRALIZE

y Talk about facts and observations, not assumptions: To reduce defensiveness, use neutral

language. Focus on facts and observations. Avoid accusations and blaming.

y Talk about the problem, not the person: If you are upset with someone, don't talk about their

negative personality traits. Focus on the issue.

y Share observations with "I-statements". Minimize the word "you": An "I-statement"

expresses what you have observed or felt, NOT what the other person is doing wrong. "You"

sounds accusatory, not neutral. Insteadof"You always"or"You ought to", try saying I've

observed orI've noticed . ..

D. EDUCATEy Discuss the effects of the problem: Explain why you are concerned about the situation that

is, the effect on you, your co-workers, your work, the company, etc. People often do not realize

the impact of their behavior on others, even when it seems obvious.

y Use reversals oranalogies to shift their point of view: Encourage the other person to see

things differently by reversing the situation that is, putting them in your shoes or using an

analogy to give them a different frame of reference.


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y Describe your feelings with "I-statements": To convey how they are affecting you, try saying I

feel or My problem is, NOT You never or You should.

E. COOPERATE

y Look for common goals: Identify shared interests, needs, or concerns as you try to solve the

problem. Try to find areas of agreement.y Engage in give and take. Expand the options: Be willing to make concessions and

compromises. You may also be part of the problem! Propose strategies and solutions that

neither party may have previously considered.

y End with action steps: Agree on what will be different in the future both what they will do and

what you will do. Unless you end with action steps, nothing is likely to change.

The Best Way to Complain about Coworkers

All material on yourofficecoach.com is copyrighted to Marie G. McIntyre. All rights reserved.May be reproduced for non-commercial use with copyright and attribution to www.yourofficecoach.com.

Commercial use requires permission: [email protected] .

Coworkers can be very annoying! At Your Office Coach, we hear from lots of people who want their

colleagues to stop doing something talking, whistling, coming in late, eating at their desk, wearing tacky

clothes, and on and on. These complainers are usually looking for an easy, painless way to deal with the

situation. That may be impossible, but here are some helpful suggestions.

y Question 1: Shouldyou talk to the coworker or the boss first?

In most situations, talking directly to the person is preferable, since that gives them a chance to correct

the problem without getting in trouble. But if your colleague is explosive or highly defensive, yourmanager may be a better route.

y Question 2: What shouldyou say?

To make your complaint, try using a technique called I-statements. With an I-statement, you focus on

the problem youre having instead of whats wrong with your coworker, then you ask for what you need.

A well-worded I-statement, delivered in a friendly tone, doesnt sound at all confrontational.

1st

example: Bob, Ive been having trouble meeting my project deadlines because Idont receive the

information from your group on schedule. What can we do to be sure Iget the information on time?

2nd

example: Iwish Ihad more time to chat, Mary, butIhave a ton of work to do right now. So Im afraid

Ineed to limit our personal conversations to breaks and lunch for awhile.

y Question 3: What if the person is a problem for everyone?


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Group problems require group solutions. So if the whole work unit is upset, then the message should be

delivered by more than one person. Otherwise, the problem coworker may not recognize the extent of

the problem. In some situations, its best for the whole group to confront the person. In others, its better

for a couple of people to represent the group.

Example: Barry, were all having a problem with your coming in late almost every day. When youre not

here, we have to answer your phone. And if we need information from you, youre not around. We didnt

want to get you in trouble, so were talking to you instead of to the manager. We hope that we can solve

this problem without involving her.

y Question 4: What if talking to the coworker seems hazardous or pointless?

Then its time to go to the boss. But you need to do it in the right way, because you dont want to come

across as a whiner.

y Question 5: So how do I complain to mymanager?

You must define the issue as a business problem, not a personal complaint. Otherwise, your manager

may view it as a personality conflict. And bosses really hate dealing with personal employee

squabbles!

Suppose, for example, that your coworker is spending a lot of time on personal phone calls. You do not

want to go to your boss and say Linda spends the whole day talking to her family and friends on the

phone. You need to do something about this. That sounds too much like whining.

Better Approach: A lot ofLindas calls have been rolling over to me lately because her line is tied up. As

a result, some of my own customers wind up going into voice mail. Ibelieve that a lot of her phone calls

are personal, so if you could talk to her about this, Iwould appreciate it.

y Question 6: What if it isnt abusiness problem, but it bothers me?

If the annoying behavior doesnt affect work results in any way, then you need to work on your attitude

and just let it go. We all must work with people who irritate us from time to time.

Conflict resolution conversation

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