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When Mary and Andrew first met, everything was perfect; they both had things in

common. They both had love and admiration for each other, and most importantly, had a lot of

fun together. However, when they got married things started to change. Andrew would snap at

Mary unprompted and blame her for his bad moods. He would also make everything as if it were

her fault for his shortcomings. At first Mary did not notice, until one day she told her friend

Priscilla, and Priscilla told her about verbal abuse, and what signs to notice. Although Andrew’s

behavior did not leave any bruises, Mary lost her sense of self and self-worth. Suddenly, after

much help from her therapist, she found the courage to get out.

Similar to the relationship between Andrew and Mary, verbal or emotional abuse is not

uncommon. According to recent reports, one in four women experience abuse, whether it be non

physical, physical or sexual (US News, 2013). Although verbal abuse does not leave any visible

scars, it fractures one’s self-worth, and whenever the partner attempts to confront the behavior of

the abuser, their sanity is called into question. In the same article, the author suggests that

although verbal abuse is common, its is deemed difficult to legally document behavior until it

becomes a physical threat. The author again states that emotional abuse “…..erodes your self

esteem. It is a pattern of put-downs and mind games that is meant to gain power over you and

leaves you feeling fearful, like everything is your fault and, often, like you are losing your

mind.” Even though research dictates what a verbally abusive relationship looks like, I felt it was

imperative to find a link between how communication evolves from past verbally abusive

relationships to current romantic relationships.

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The purpose of this phenomenological study was to understand the evolution of how

individuals in past verbally abusive relationships communicate with their current romantic

partner. This phenomenological research study will analyze previous literary research linking

verbally abusive relationship to current romantic relationships, review qualitative research used

to collect data, and analyze participant quotations about their experiences with verbal abuse and

current romantic relationships.

Literature Review

A wealth of knowledge has been conducted regarding verbal aggressiveness between

family members in childhood and their present romantic relationships (Aloia & Solomon, 2013;

Busby, Walker, Holman, 2011; James & MacKinnon, 2010; Maneta, Cohen, Schulz &

Waldenger, 2015; Ostrov, Collins, 2007; Seiffge & Burk, 2015; Weger, 2006). The following

literature review will cover the following themes: (1) Childhood Trauma; (2) Attachment Theory;

and (3) Verbal Aggressiveness in Romantic Relationships.

Childhood Trauma

Childhood trauma can affect future romantic relationships (Aloia & Solomon, 2013;

Busby, Walker & Holman, 2011; Maneta, Cohen, Shultz & Waldinger, 2014). Childhood trauma

exists when there is non-violent or violent aggression (emotional abuse) in one’s childhood. That

trauma will most likely leave an impact on the individual, and that said individual will carry on

that trauma to their adult romantic relationships (Aloia & Solomon, 2013; Busby, Walker &

Holman, 2011).

Aloia and Solomon’s (2013) study investigated motivational systems into which one’s

familial history of verbal aggression can affect their future relationships. These said motivational

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systems, which can either positively or negatively affect one’s perception of themselves will

determine their behavior in future romantic relationship. In Maneta, Cohen, Schultz and

Waldinger’s (2015) study of the linkage between emotional childhood abuse and marital

satisfaction, they state that childhood trauma can leave the individual feeling skeptical of their

romantic partner’s intentions and perceptions of their romantic relationship. When a child is

experiencing trauma, this leads them feeling vulnerable, and therefore this vulnerability will

cause them to distrust their future romantic relationships and relational satisfaction. All of the

aformentioned articles linked childhood trauma with feelings of instability in their future

romantic relationships, which leads to martial dissatisfaction (Aloia & Solomon, 2013; Busby,

Walker & Holman, 2011; Maneta, Cohen, Schultz & Waldinger, 2014). The next theme touches

upon a child’s attachment to their parents that can affect their future relationships.

Attachment Theory

There is a lot of research based on the link between attachment theory and an individual’s

future romantic relationship (Busby, Walker & Holman, 2011; Seiffge & Burk, 2015; Weger,

2006). Attachment theory helps to explain the attachment between a child and his or her family

of origin (FOO), and how that may affect their future relationships, and the relationship between

mother and child bonding (Busby, Walker & Holomon, 2011; Weger, 2006). Therefore, in

childhood if a parent was emotionally distant or abusive, the individual will have the perception

that all people are that way, which will impact their trust in future romantic relationships.

Additionally, anxious attachment led to high argumentativeness and verbal aggressiveness,

however, avoidant aggression does not (Weger, 2006). Anxious attachment refers to a “fear of

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rejections, whereas avoidant attachment is taking into account the costs and benefits of being

close with someone” (p. 32).

Attached anxiety is “positively associated with both contempt and domineering

tactics” (Weger, 2006, p. 32). Securely attached individuals experience less argumentativeness,

and are more comfortable depending on others. This will therefore impact their future romantic

relationships because it will build trust and closeness with their romantic partner. People who are

argumentative tend to withdraw more and isolate themselves from others. Adolescents who were

in relationships tended to feel more jealousy toward their partner, and therefore brought verbal

aggressive behavior into the relationship.

Interestingly, in Seiffge- Krenke and Burk’s (2015) study on adolescent relationships,

they observed that the participants experience more jealousy in their relationships, and that men

reported more verbal aggression from their partner. This helps to explain that beginning

attachment (in this case, anxiety attachment), would lead to feelings of insecurity and fear of

abandonment. Although the purpose of this qualitative research paper is to delve into adult

romantic relationships, it is helpful to note that adolescents experience increased levels of

anxiety in their relationship. The researcher of this study reported this was the case because these

adolescent relationships were most likely new, and could lead to break ups.

Verbal Aggressiveness in Romantic Relationships

Verbal aggressiveness in romantic relationships is most detrimental because it does not

leave any scars, but leaves the partner feeling a loss of self-worth (Aloia & Solomon, 2013;

Busby, Walker & Holman, 2011; James & MacKinnon, 2010; Maneta, Cohen, Schulz &

Waldinger, 2014; Seiffge- Krenke, Burk, 2015; Weger, 2006). This theme is the most prevalent in

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the author’s research. According to James and MacKinnon (2010), there are three types of non

physical abuse. The first type is verbal abuse, which perceived as degrading, insulting,

humiliating, ridiculing or in some way diminishing the person’s dignity. The second type is

emotional abuse, which consists of acts of commission or omission. Finally, the third type and

most detrimental of them all, is psychological abuse, which encapsulates both verbal and

emotional abuse, and works to erode or destroy the person’s sense of self (Aloia & Solomon,

2013).

Aloia and Solomon (2013) also found individuals’ history of familial verbal aggression

makes one more susceptible to perceive verbal aggression in romantic relationships. In other

words, what one sees as a child will most likely determine their perceptions of their future

relationships. In Weger’s (2006) study, a high level of abandonment is positively associated with

verbal aggressiveness in romantic relationships. According to Weger (2006), verbal

aggressiveness is to attack the person’s dignity, as opposed to the person’s position on a topic of

communication.

Although this literature covers all aspects of verbal aggressiveness in romantic

relationships, attachment theory, and the link to childhood trauma, there were a few limitations in

the aforementioned studies. For instance, it does not concern homosexual couples, nor the

relationship between past verbally abusive relationships and their present romantic relationship.

There was a lack of literature upon the differences of communication between past verbal abuse

and present romantic relationships.Therefore, I would like to pose the following research

question, “How do individuals in past verbally abusive relationships communicate with their

present romantic partner?”

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This research would be valuable for people in verbally abusive relationships,

psychoanalysts, divorce attorney’s, person’s involved in 12-step programs, or anyone else

interested in the realm of the psychiatric field. Perhaps if someone knows a friend who may be

experiencing verbal abuse, they can read this paper and encourage them or someone else to get

help.

Methods

A qualitative approach was used in this study, because according to Denzin (2015), “We

must create our own standards of evaluation, our own measures of quality, influence, excellence

and social justice impact” (p. 12). Specifically, a phenomenological approach was used in order

to gather data for evaluating the shared experiences around the evolution between past verbally

abusive relationships to current romantic relationships. Therefore, an interpretive lens was used

as a way to observe, interview and describe behaviors, and understand this phenomenon.

Data Collection

Participants.

For the purpose of this study, six individuals were interviewed between the ages of 20-71.

They all identified as having been in a verbally abusive relationship, and are currently in a

romantic relationship. One of the participants was male, while five of the participants were

female. Two of the participants are married, and four of the participants were students at the

University of San Francisco.

Procedures.

Interviews were conducted in a narrative style in order to illicit examples from one’s

common experience in order to gain insight into the research question. Two of the interviews

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were conducted over the telephone, and four interviews included a quiet, safe atmosphere in

which the participant would feel comfortable and more willing to answer the necessary, yet

sensitive questions. A semi-structured interview guide was used, which included questions such

as, “How well did you know your partner that was verbally abusive?,” “ What forms of abuse

took place?,” ”Ideally, what is your conception of an ideal romantic relationship in terms of

communication?,” and “How do you and your current partner communicate love?”

Interviews took in place either at the University of San Francisco or over the telephone,

were recoded for accuracy and lasted 30-45 minutes. Informed consent procedures were

followed. The interviews resulted in 48 pages of transcripts.

Data Analysis

Data were analyzed using summary, constant comparison (Glaser & Strauss, 1967),

coding and thematic analysis. Significant statements were identified using insight, intuition, and

impression (Dey, 1993), coded for meaning and grouped together into larger overarching themes.

This resulted in four overarching themes: (1) Verbal Abuse as a Form Communication; (2)

Insights After the Abuse; (3) Comparing Romantic Relationships; and (4) Current Romantic

Relationship Maintenance.

Analysis

The participants were previously involved in a verbally abusive relationship, and are

currently in a romantic relationship. They experienced verbal abuse as a form of communication,

and were able to compare their relationships. They were all afforded with the insight into what

makes a romantic relationship work, and more able to maintain the quality of a healthy romantic

relationship.

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Verbal Abuse as a Form of Communication

As painful as verbal abuse is, it is a form of communication. Often times, people who are

on the outskirts of the relationship (i.e. friends and family), recognize the abuse and find it

difficult to get their friend or family member to seek help and terminate the relationship. Verbal

abuse and emotional abuse are hidden, and do not leave any scars. Some say it is the worst form

of abuse because it is so subtle, and one does not realize the impact of words from their verbally

abusive partner. When asked how one defines verbal abuse, one participant touched upon the

subtlety of the impact it had on them:

I think to some extent it goes alongside just like, taking someone else’s words, and after

really reflecting on them, realizing like it does it make you feel good or does it not make

you feel good? I struggled a lot with that for a very long time and ended up going to

therapy for it. It obviously effects me today.

From this quote, we can surmise the impact verbal abuse has on this individual. When a

verbal abuser makes an underhanded comment, (one that days later one realizes was not

appropriate or deteriorated one’s self esteem and self concept), their partner may feel it is too late

to do or say anything. Whether one vicariously learns through parents or authority figures

regarding the basis of a healthy relationship or their own, they realize that words can leave a

lasting impression. After a comment, whether name calling or blaming for one’s problems is

made, the partner of the verbal abuser may feel at fault; as if what they did made their partner

mad. In turn, they decide to say nothing at all. Another participant described it as a way of

control:

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Verbal abuse is when someone controls you and cuts you off from all the people, and tells

you and makes you feel they are the only person in the world that you can rely on.

The person makes you feel insignificant and unhappy, and never sympathizes with you

and is continually saying things that belittle you. If you get really upset, they will

occasionally say nice things. Then they will continue to belittle you and make you feel

very unhappy.

What was most interesting from this participant was their age. The range of ages of the

participants ranged from 20 to 71. This particular participant had been previously married to a

man that both belittled, and at times physically abused them. One of the many forms of verbal

abuse is belittlement, which was one of the common themes that came up in the transcriptions of

all six participants. This person also mentioned the fact that verbal abusers block out all the

people that care about you, so that you rely more and more on them. However, when the verbal

abuser has their partner at the point of complete dependency, they feel empowered to not

sympathize, and make their partner feel unhappy. There are many examples of instances in which

the participants described their own personal struggles in their previous relationship that was

verbally abusive. Some said the form came with belittling, blame and yelling. One participant

gave an example of how a nice gesture on their part enveloped into an unwarranted catastrophe:

So I bought him pajamas and made him dinner, and when he opened up his present, he

got so angry at me and yelled at me and told me how could I buy him something so

pathetic. The he said he wasn’t going to tell anyone what I got him. He told me, “You

ruined my birthday,” and threw the pajama pants across the floor and told me to “F- off.”

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Then he left and texted me the next day at work, and told me how much I ruined his

birthday and not to come home. It was a huge disaster.

Not only did this escalate, but it made this person fearful, which also became a

commonality among the participants. This person also said it almost turned into physical abuse,

“He tried to physically hit me one time, but I was able to get away.” Sometimes verbal abuse

turned into physical abuse, which would have been a factor in terminating the relationship.

Although this example was extreme, it is not uncommon. As sensitive as the interview question

was in terms of asking what forms the verbal abuse took place, participants opened up and some

explained they felt a sense of relief. In this instance, verbal abuse took the form of fear. This

participant explained that they felt fearful, and this ruined their feelings of self-concept. Doing

something nice for their partner turned into a situation in which they got blamed and ridiculed as

if they had done something wrong. When in fact, it was the verbal abuser who had anger

problems and took their problems out on their partner.

This participant was not alone. Multiple participants described how doing something

inane turned into an attack: “…then it would be about how I’m careless as a person, that I would

be like that. Rather than like, I just knocked something off the table, which anyone could have

done.” It was in this instance that this individual’s verbal abuser attacked their self worth over a

single action. In a healthy, non verbally abusive romantic relationship, partners do not attack the

other’s identity and name call because of a singular action, such as knocking something off the

table. However, this participant was aware that they were being attacked.

While verbally abused individuals feel belittled, they do not necessarily feel as if they are

victims. In fact, they feel as if they are stuck in a situation, and have no basis to stand on when

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they confront their abuser’s behavior. In doing so, the abuser makes their partner feel as if the

issues that develop between them are their fault, when in fact it is the verbally abusive

individual’s problem. One participant described a situation in which their verbal abusers took

their issues out on them:

Just blame where is feels like the aggression coming at me was coming from whatever

and I was just the focal point for negativity. It was like, “This has nothing to do with me

and we’re in a fight.” You know what I mean?

Often times, verbal abuse as a form of communication comes from the verbally abusive

individual as a way to avoid their own issues of insecurity. Therefore, they place blame on their

partner. While they may apologize, and things may seem calm for a while, the abuse starts all

over again. All six participants’ that were interviewed described their experiences of verbal abuse

as blaming, name calling, yelling, threats to themselves, and overall leaving them feeling

unhappy. Thusly, this left them with feelings of uncertainty about themselves.

Insights After the Abuse

Once one leaves a verbally abusive relationship, they may gather insights about

themselves after the relationship is terminated. These may take actions as the importance of self-

care (exercising, eating well, taking hot baths, etc). It takes a while to examine the possibility of

getting into another relationship. There are feelings of self-doubt, fear, and the unknown

possibility this new relationship may also involve verbal or emotional abuse. Although no one

can predict the future, eventually someone comes along that inspires hope in an individual who

experienced verbal abuse. One participant realized how much they went through in their verbally

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abusive romantic relationship that led to their current romantic relationship. When asked what

insights they gathered about themselves, they realized the fact they did not deserve the abuse:

That I deserved a lot better. I’m worthy of whatever I want. I don’t mean to sound stuck

up, but I chose to settle because I wanted to get married so badly. Then I realized I’d

rather be single and happy than married and miserable.

This example, like many others, emphasizes the importance of self-reflection after one

goes through a traumatic event, such as being a victim of verbal abuse. Sometimes pressure to

get married, as was with this case, can blind one’s ability to look for the red flags (the signs that

triggers one’s conscious that something does not feel pleasant). Going into a marriage that

already has problems that exist, but not yet realized, is a recipe for an unpleasant relationship.

Like all participants, getting out of the verbally abusive relationship was both a sigh of relief, as

well as a sign that they need to maintain a healthy lifestyle. One participant stressed the

importance of self care:

I didn’t really love myself, so after that relationship ended, I completely focused on

myself, like physically, mentally, emotionally, everything. That’s something I learned that

I have to keep doing. It’s not that you do it and it’s done for life. You have to keep doing

it, keep working on yourself; nurturing yourself is a good adjective. The description then,

I think what I learned, yeah I think it’s you don’t have to accept, you know?

This participant explained the importance of maintaining a healthy lifestyle and attitude

after a break up with a verbally abusive partner. It is especially poignant that this individual

realized immediately the need to heal and how much they needed to take care of themselves. One

does not realize the impact the verbal abuse has until they are removed from it. This person gave

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a great example of what it takes to heal oneself from an abusive situation. When a verbal abuser

constantly puts one down, and belittles one’s self-concept, it is easy to forget about one’s sense

of self. The abuser then takes that power and distorts it, thereby rendering one to not appreciate

themselves. It is certain that any mental health professional would have the same insights as this

particular individual. Another participant also realized that it is not just important to be careful

when getting married, but to be by themselves for a while until they meet the person they were

destined to be with:

…..but it was over um I, um realized a lot you know, you have to you have to be very

careful when you get married. I was 25. I should have been older and thank goodness we

didn't have any children. He was just very immature and, uh I just thought, well, I got out

of that without having any children. I’m just going to, I’m trying, I was in my

30’s, I think I was 35, 30. Then I went on and had fun just being by myself

and then I ran into daddy.

This person both had the experience of being young and married to their abuser, but

stressed the importance of the fact they did not have any children. As with the previous

participant who stressed self care, finding one’s place in the world can also have calming effects,

as they have time to reflect and regain composure of figuring out who they are. It was not until

this individual was having fun being by themselves, and having the knowledge of what types of

people to stay away from, that they met the person they were destined to be with.

When any relationship ends, whether positive or negative, it is a sense of loss. All the

participants experienced verbal abuse. Some gained the insight into what to avoid when meeting

future partners, while some realized how much work they needed to do to get healthy. “So yeah,

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I think that’s my basis now. I always expect to be attacked, so that’s why I revert and decide to

leave it alone.” This attitude can be detrimental in this individual’s current relationship. Instead

of facing a problem or issue head on, this individual seeks to avoid the situation altogether.

However, ending a verbally abusive situation can leave scars and lasting effects that can

sometimes take a period to time to heal.

Therefore, it is imperative that one takes the steps to self-reflect, maintain self-care, and

spend time being alone and finding themselves. As stated in the previous paragraph, sometimes it

takes more time for others. However, having insight after a traumatic experience can be both

healing and revealing into one’s sense of self. It is important to realize what one’s boundaries and

expectations are when it comes to forming another romantic relationship. It is at this time, they

can compare both the verbally abusive relationship to their current relationship.

Comparing Romantic Relationships

After one has gained insight into their psyche regarding their experience with a verbal

abuser, they can reflect and realize what to be aware of when it comes to having another

romantic partner. When asked about comparing past verbally abusive relationships to their

current relationship, all participants said it was like “night and day.” One person in particular

painted an ideal situation that differed from their previous relationship:

He constantly provides with me emotional support, constantly validates me. He

compliments me, he makes me feel good about myself. Lets me know how pretty I am,

how talented I am. If I cook him dinner, he’s really appreciative; even if he doesn’t like it,

he says thank you. He goes out of his way to be super thoughtful.

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This is the same individual who mentioned how their ex- husband did not show

appreciation for a nice home cooked meal and pajama pants for his birthday. When one is finding

themselves, they sometimes reflect on what they are looking for in a romantic partner. Support

and validation are common themes that occur when determining what qualities are ideal in a

partner. While this person’s ex-husband was unappreciative, their current partner appreciates the

effort they put into performing a nice gesture. It was the small, yet significant acts that shed light

into how both relationships were vastly different. With having felt unappreciated, this participant

was able to find a partner that appreciated their small acts of kindness. While their previous

relationship ended in, “So I bought him pajamas and made him dinner, and when he opened up

his present, he got so angry at me and yelled at me and told me, how could I buy him something

so pathetic.” Therefore, there is a huge difference in this participant’s relationships. They

explained they were happy, and that their partner was happy. Another participant stressed the

importance of communication in their relationship:

He let me make that choice by myself. My ex hovered. He would not take no for an

answer and he would get what he wants. So I think thats how it changed. We were very

clear from the start. He doesn’t have the same views as women. I think he places more

value in women.

This participant’s current romantic partner was aware of the abuse, but yet gave them

choices into what made them authentic, which was something their verbal abuser did not do.

When describing their verbal abuser, they said, “He treated me like an object.” What was also

interesting was the fact that both the individual’s verbally abusive partner was from an entirely

different culture than their current partner. The fact that, as opposed to feeling like an object,

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their current partner and them were clear from the start. The amount of respect was vastly

different from each relationship, which helped to instill hope for this participant. Not only was

their current partner relationship respectful, but also gave them the freedom to be who they are.

In certain parts of the world, there is a lot of domestic abuse directed toward women. In this

specific case, sometimes the verbal abuse would escalate into physical abuse. “I do remember

one time when it was not just verbally, but physically abusive, and my cousin saw it.”

Not only were words used to undermine some of the participant’s self-concept, but

physical abuse was present as well. One participant explained how, “He tried to hit me, but I got

away.” This was a common theme that would come up when asking for examples regarding the

way the verbal abuse took form with participants in the present study. By also having an open

communication platform, participants stated that, “Communication is key.” It was also

significant that after going through the verbally abusive relationship and having such

experiences, that the participants knew what to look for when choosing a new romantic partner:

It was very easy for me to pinpoint places that were going to be red flags eventually with

my other relationships. Only when I got into my current relationship, was I like, none of

these red flags are here. So then I was like, what can we do to make the relationship

really good.

The supposed “red flags” were insights into which this individual gathered and knew

what to say away from. In this participants previous relationship, “….with Catherine, my

personality bounced off her aggressive style, and with my current wife, it isn't like that. It’s my

personality bouncing off her very communicative style.” It is obvious that in the interaction with

this individual’s current spouse, that their personality traits are more aligned than was the case

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with their previous relationship. The supposed “red flags,” which indicated whether something

felt authentic, was based off this person’s previous relationship that was verbally abusive. After

having gone through those experiences in the past, this person was able to have a bearing on

what was acceptable or unacceptable in a romantic relationship. After having gone through a

rough experience, was this person able to find someone they fell in love with, and with whom

their personalities matched.

It is important to understand what it was in the verbally abusive relationship that did not

work. It is with this insight that one can construct an ideal romantic partner. Once one can

identify which characteristics are ideal to them, they become stronger and more able to stand up

for themselves. Oftentimes when one compares a situation, it makes sense that they can identify

markers that reminded them of the past verbal abuse. As to not repeat the past, they find ways of

communicating with their partner, and thus maintaining a loving, healthy relationship. The

commonality among all six participants was that they realized the differences in conflict styles,

showing appreciation, respect and most importantly, finding a sense of renewal in their current

romantic relationship.

Current Romantic Relationship Maintenance

The good news is that the verbally abusive relationship is over, and now a new romantic

relationship has blossomed. After gaining insight into why or how the relationship ended, the

participants were ready and able to start over. However, just because one relationship was

entirely negative and the new relationship is a breath of fresh air, does not mean that there will

not be any conflict. As one participant stated, “No relationship is perfect,” meaning that

relationships take work.

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As aforementioned, communication appears to be the platform of all romantic

relationships. If one is not able to communicate with their partner successfully, problems may

arise between them. However, when conflicts do become present, the participants explained that

they talk about it rather than avoiding it. As opposed to not mentioning the supposed “pink

elephant” in the room, it was imperative the participants dealt with their problems instead of

letting them fester:

But communication wise; we talk it out. We figure it out. We’re both like, well I guess

I’m kind of analytical. I’m kind of like, this is this seems to be the problem that we need

to solve, but I try to always go into it like, what is the problem? Let’s identify it and let’s

attack it together. Usually it’s a misunderstanding or miscommunication or at least

something we can understand each other. Like, I just forgot we talked about that I was not

thinking about how we weren't going to see each other for three days….. it’s just we need

to know that that’s true and compromise.

Not only is it important for this individual to identify the problem with their spouse, but

in doing so, they both can come to a compromise. It was apparent that with this individual, and

others, that compromise was an agent to maintaining their relationships. Not only does

understanding each other’s communicative patterns and habits aide in establishing healthy ways

of communicating, but it solidifies the relationship. While one partner may be very analytical, the

other is in sync with their feelings. When there is a problem, they identify it, solve it and most

importantly, learn from it. Nothing is worse than keeping relationship issues hidden. They can

manifest themselves in ways that are detrimental to the relationship. By avoiding problems, it

pushes back the trust and bond that may be building. Therefore, in finding commonality and a

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baseline to positively solve problems, the relationship stays healthy and communication is out in

the open. Not only is understanding each other’s communication style important, but so is

showing affection:

We both know what needs need to be met, what our love languages are and we work

everyday to feed into what our love languages that we care about the most. His is quality

time. I make it a point to spend as much time with him as possible. He also likes personal

touch, so I’m somewhat PDA with him because that’s what he likes. He meets my love

languages also, so it works.

By keeping each other informed as to how they want to feel loved, the relationship is also

maintained through affection, spending time together and telling each other how much they love

one another. In a relationship, it is important to remind each other of how much one cares and

loves another. When asked about “love languages,” the participant explained, “well, there are

five love languages. It’s basically what makes you tick.” This sentiment prove that acts of love

and admiration can have an impact on communication between two people. Therefore, it can

manifest into a whole other playing field. Not only is understanding what makes each other

happy make for a positive relationship, but maintaining that level at all times is essential. In

strengthening a relationship, it is also important to tell one’s current partner what works for them

in terms of what reminds them other verbal abuser:

I told him, “I don’t know how to react when you do stuff like that because it reminds me

of my ex boyfriend, and I don’t want it to be like that and I don’t want this relationship. I

don’t like it when you are loud, swearing, it makes me sacred and makes me nervous.”

He felt so bad because he didn’t want to do that. He didn’t want that for me. That’s

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another thing how communication is key, so he doesn’t know. Unless you tell him. He

has to tell me as well if he gets reminded of his ex, you know?

Being honest with one’s current romantic partner about what bothers them is also

important in maintaining a healthy, long lasting relationship. As painful as it is to bring up the

past, it can be an active way to inform the current partner about what is acceptable and what is

not acceptable. In this particular case, the participant was able to express how anger can be a

trigger for them, and reminds them of their previous partner that was verbally abusive. Not only

is it important for the other partner know what triggers the other, but is also critical for them to

tell the other as well. As most individuals do not have a crystal ball into one another’s psyche, it

is imperative they know what bothers them so they may be able to rectify the situation before it

gets worse. It is obvious that in this specific circumstance, the participant does not wish to have a

repeat of the verbally abusive tendencies in their current romantic relationship. By having a

baseline and a safe, open forum to discuss such issues, the couple can now move forward.

By halting a problem in it’s tracks, showing love and affection and what is not

appropriate in a romantic relationship can both maintain and improve the current romantic

relationships the six participants have. It is a sigh of relief when one realizes that dark days are

over. However, until there is open and honest communication and compromise in a relationship,

it will not stand. Any relationship is like a plant that you have to keep watering. It takes time for

trust to grow as well as having a compromised communication style that works for both

involved.

There have been four themes throughout this study. First, verbal abuse was defined as a

way to pinpoint it, define it and thus look for signs so one may be better prepared to handle

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situations that my arise. It is at this time insights may manifest into ways that will enable one to

find someone else, or prefer to spend time alone. Once insights have been gathered, comparing

relationships instills feelings or actions that may help to maintain the relationship. One can say,

“in hindsight, I should have done….” Therefore, once one gathers information regarding their

current romantic relationship, they are readily able to maintain their relationships.

Discussion

Implications

Since this study dealt with verbal abuse in romantic relationships, all participants had

previously been in a verbally abusive relationship and are currently in a romantic relationship. As

there was not enough research that delved into the evolution of communication between the

verbal abuse and current romantic partner, I found it crucial to conduct this study in a non-

threatening environment. The responses were significantly helpful in determining who would

best benefit from the research. When society thinks of abusive relationships, the idea of a male

comes to mind. However, not all women were victims of verbal abuse.

Sometimes the verbal abuse did evolve into physical abuse, but the specifics of this study

was to understand verbal and emotional abuse, and how it impacts one’s current romantic

relationship As there was not enough research of verbal abuse specifically, my research would be

helpful for anyone getting out of a verbally abusive relationship, or after having gone through

one. There is always confidence in numbers. The more people speak out and share their

experiences will thus elicit hope that there is a light at the end of the dark tunnel. Hopefully, this

research can be used in accordance with psychotherapy sessions, women’s and men’s domestic

abuse support groups, and hopefully part of a psychology class curriculum.

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Limitations

Although this research project was assigned throughout an entire semester, there were

some definite limitations. Finding participants who were willing to open up about their

experiences were difficult to recruit. As opposed to any other study, this specific study dealt with

sensitive subject matter that deemed to be too difficult to speak about. Fortunately, all the

participants did not want to opt out of their answers, but it was challenging to get some

participants to delve deeper as they were being probed. Some individuals had just recently

terminated the verbally abusive relationship, so some questions seemed to have been glossed

over. As I am from the East coast, and most of my friends and family reside there, it deemed

difficult to find four participants that lived locally in which to interview them in person. Perhaps

proper time management could have eased some of the difficulties into finding participants. In

exploring a more diverse crowd, a homosexual was scheduled to be interviewed, but decided not

to be included. Therefore, a much less diverse group of participants was available.

Along with interviewing participants in person, phone interview recordings were difficult

to comprehend with background noises, and finding that the participant was distracted. In

establishing non-verbal communication, it is easier to read the subtitles between the lines of

verbal communication. The phone interviews added an extra layer of uncertainty because without

reading the participant’s facial expressions and body language, some of the contextualization was

lost.

Future Research

Future Research should delve into the four aforementioned themes. There should be more

focus group interviews that encompass people of different sexual orientations, cultures, class and

!23

geographic demographics. As the participants were average college aged, white and from high

socio-economic statuses, exploring underrepresented populations may gather more insight into

what is defined as verbal abuse and gain strategies to get out of the relationship. The furthering

research could manifest into a self-help book or seminar that helps victims get out of their

verbally abusive relationship with the support of mental health professionals.

Conclusion

In the process of exploring the evolution of communication from past verbally abusive

relationships to current romantic relationships, insight; comparing both relationships;

maintaining the romantic relationship; and, having verbal abuse defined, aided in solidifying

what makes a healthy romantic relationship work. It is these themes that help to define the

process in which the verbally abusive partner was able to manipulate each participant into

believing their abuser’s behavior was warranted.

The purpose of this phenomenological study was to understand the evolution of

communication between a verbally abusive relationship to a current romantic relationship. In

doing research and interviewing participants, the common characteristics in defining what makes

a relationship maintain itself is an open forum of communication, showing love and affection,

and being willing and honest with the current romantic partner of what is unacceptable in the

relationship. In having gone through a verbally abusive relationship, the participants were better

prepared of knowing what type of relationship worked for them. It was in these instances that

both the participant and their current romantic partner were on the same wavelength.

As having gone through my fair share of verbally abusive relationships, I sought to

discover others like me who had not just gone through the same experiences I did, but were able

!24

to find someone who treated them with respect. This study was intended for women or men who

had gone through a verbally abusive relationship but could not find a way out. As I am in the

process of divorce proceedings, I found my research helpful. I was hoping that in healing myself,

I could heal others. This ideal picture is what every little girl dreams of; finding the perfect, most

handsome man (or woman) who treats them like “like a princess.” As evidenced by the present

study, no such man (or woman) exists. However, by keeping communication open and

incorporating compromise, it can make for a lasting, loving, and healthy romantic relationship.

!25

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