Companioning: Companioning: A Hospice Essential Rodney Bolejack, D.Min. American Hospice, Denton TX...
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Transcript of Companioning: Companioning: A Hospice Essential Rodney Bolejack, D.Min. American Hospice, Denton TX...
Companioning:Companioning:A Hospice Essential
Rodney Bolejack, D.Min.
American Hospice, Denton [email protected]
When one of his classmates died, an eight-year-old friend visited the boy’s home one day after school.
“What did you say?” asked the mother gently when the child returned.
“Nothing,” he replied. “I just sat on his mom’s lap and helped her cry.”
--Dan Zabra
Forever Remembered
Objectives
Value the need for companioning the hospice patient.
Relate the tenets of companioning to patient care.
A Few First Thoughts
Everyone must make this journey through life and death alone
No one should make this journey without a companion
Breakfast with Jo“What are your biggest fears for the future of hospice?”
NEEDED:A strong, deep person
wise enough to allow me to grieve in the depth of who I am, and strong enough to hear my pain
without turning away. I need someone who believes that the sun will rise
again, but who does not fear my darkness. Someone who can point out the rocks in my way
without making me a child by carrying them. Someone who can stand in thunder and watch the
lightning and believe in a rainbow. Fr. Joe Mahoney
This is companioning.
What is Companioning?Companioning is a willingness to be present with another, wherever they may be in their journey, and walk with them through their personal and often “unchartable territories” without having the need to say the right thing or to fix the unfixable.Companioning creates a safe place for those who are hurting to find their own answers.
Creating a Safe Place
Creating a free, empty space where a stranger may enter and become a friend instead of an enemy
It is the space in the relationship between me and thee
I have created that safe place when you are free to be you
-- Henri Nouwen
To love means not to impose your own powers on your fellow man but
offer him your help. And, if he refuses it, to be proud
that he can do it on his own strength.
--Elizabeth Kubler-Ross
I want to be with you
PresenceNon-anxiousI will not abandon you Sue W
PhysicallySpirituallyEmotionally
You can tell me to stay away, but you cannot push me away
Joe H
I want to be with you
Creating relationship that allows the other to risk the courage to trust you.
How? Short time!Faithful presence and responsiveness
• I didn’t think God could find me
Promises fulfilled • Physical
• Spiritual
Kindness and care
Knowledge and skills
I want you to teach me“Behold, I stand at the door and knock and say to myself, ‘I am about to meet my teacher.’”
CuriosityBeing teachableBelieving that this “other” knows how they wish to approach death & dying
They may not have words to describe itMay need a companion to explore values with them
I want you to teach me
Believing that this “other” has life-gifts to give to anyone who would learn
What did you learn about life?What gives you peace? Meaning? Joy?
How do you wish to approach death & dying?
What do you fear most about the days ahead?What would a “good death” look like for you?
It was horrible. Noisy. Crowded. Not at all peaceful
I want to hear you
Its not that
we all have stories
that need to be told
…..rather….
We are stories
that need to be heard.
I want to hear youListening to empathize
To see the world through another person’s eyesListening’s primary purpose
Listening to reflect As a mirrorAllows them to hear their own storyRemembers that most of the answers are within them
Listening to learn each one’s uniquenessUnique storyUnique perspective on life, illness, & deathUnique coping
Being comfortable with just listening
The hardest part of listening is getting comfortable just listening
Being just a listener allows us to be a catalyst that helps them react to their feelings in a more comfortable way that allows them to establish significance with their loss
By-products of ListeningRemember: These are not the primary purpose of listening
InsightInsight happens when people talk and someone listensConnecting the dots for a full picture
Emerging solutions Validating and processing emotionsShowing acceptanceFinding meaningLearning
fears, struggles, joys, hopes, comfort
I accept you
I am not here to judge or critiqueHe who gets labeled is he who gets dismissed
You will not be labeled as a good or bad patient
He who gets labeled is he who gets dismissed!
Non-compliance and other frustrationsNo blaming the patient (even when I return to the office)Creative caring
Arlon
Demonstrating Acceptance:
Acceptance of another person is a matter of “deep, empathic understanding,” as Carl Rogers terms it, which allows you to see the world the other person inhabits through his or her eyes. “It means a respect and liking for [the person] as a separate person….It means an acceptance of and regard for his [or her] attitudes of the moment, no matter how negative or positive.”
Demonstrating Acceptance:
Meet the person where he or she is.Trying to move your interaction with a hurting person to any other level is merely singing songs to a heavy heart.
Focus on here and now rather than there and then.
Meet with me in the moment not in the future: it’s a waste of time telling the hurting individual, “You’ll feel better as time goes on.”
Acknowledge the feelings.Respond to that hurting individual and their negative feelings in a feeling way rather than an intellectual way.
Don’t Sing Songs to a Heavy Heart - Kenneth Haugk, Ph.D
I want to know you
So I can be with you on your journeyNot so I can analyze and label you in IDTIf I find words to describe you it is so I can better walk with you; never to dismiss you
Your storyPast, present, and future
Your struggles, fears, hopes, grief, anger, joys , comfort, peace, values
Because you are dying and not someone else
I want to walk alongside you
I will go where you goInto the struggles of your bodyInto the mix of emotions that comeInto the wilderness of your soulInto the sanctuaries of your heartInto the celebrations of your lifeInto the time of your good-byesInto the reverent silence of letting this world go
I want to walk alongside you
Together we will discover and learnWhat works for your body
How to bring creation from chaos
Meaning for this journey
Finding a path in the wilderness
Sacredness in the stillness
The joy of a shared journey
The Ultimate
Stages/Phases/Tasks/Touchstones of Grief/Mourning
Stages: Elisabeth Kubler-RossPhases: Colin Murray-Parkes Tasks: J. William WordenTouchstones: Alan D. Wolfelt Don’t memorize and then use them to try to analyze people into a categoryYou don’t need to be a counselor to be a companion to the dying
I believe you
You can believe me
Its about trust
Mutual trust
Open
Truthful
Physical needs
Emotional- Spiritual needs
I see you as a fellow-pilgrim
We travel the same road, you and I….. …..the difference is that, today, you’re just a bit further down the road than I.
Brothers and sisters in the human condition
EqualsNot healthy and unhealthy
Not expert and apprentice
I see you as a whole person
Body and soul
One with a past, present, and future
One with relationships and a self
Not broken because you are dying
I want to honor your spirit
I am your advocateI will be your voice (at IDT)
I will honor your spirit to your family and friends
This is about you.
I want to bring all my skills & all of my self to comfort you
Medical training
Hospice training
Life experiences
My self
The more you are able to understand a suffering individual and value him or her as a unique person with a unique life history, a unique set of circumstances,
and a unique set of resources to draw on, the more likely you will be able to relate
effectively with that person.Come as a guest to the suffering person’s house
of pain—without assumptions, without judgment.
Come with a heart open to understanding.“Don’t Sing Songs to a Heavy Heart”
Kenneth Haugk, Ph.D.
Don’t try to be too wise; don’t always try to search for something profound to say. You don’t have to do or say anything to make things better. Just be there as fully as you can. And if you are feeling a lot of anxiety and fear and don’t know what to do, admit that openly to the person you are with and ask for their help.
--Sogyal Rinpoche The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying
Pain
Fear
Abandonment
AngerFrustration
Helplessness Hopelessnes
s
Their buckets are full!
What’s in their bucket ?What’s in their bucket ?
CelebrationHope
GriefQuestionsLove
THE NEED TO:
Fix Cheer
Make them feel better
Say Somethin
g
Be Needed Be Liked Be Smart
Be Profound Be Right
What’s in your bucket ?What’s in your bucket ?
Who’s Bucket Needs Carrying?Who’s Bucket Needs Carrying?
Can we fit our needs into their already filled buckets ????
We need to empty our bucket to be able to get into theirs—then we can help them as a companion – carrying
some of their load.
HEAL-ing People
Here. Present for you when you need themEmpathetic. No one else can truly understand what you’re feeling, but with empathy they’ll do their best to understand and let some of your pain touch them.Accepting. They don’t judge you, try to change you, or tell you what you should do or how you should think or feel.Listening. They really focus on what you have to say. They let you share your feelings and know how important it is for you to tell your story again and again.
From a Prayer ofFrom a Prayer ofSt. Francis of AssisiSt. Francis of Assisi
Grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console,
To be understood as to understand,
To be loved as to love,
For it is in giving that we receive…
Hail guest! Not only the Hail guest! Not only the door, but the heart of my door, but the heart of my owner lies open to you.owner lies open to you.
AVE HOSPES!AVE HOSPES!
NONSOLUM IANUA SEDET NONSOLUM IANUA SEDET CORDOMNIMEO PATET TIBICORDOMNIMEO PATET TIBI
From a stone wall in Assisi, Italy
Tenets of CompanioningAlan Wolfelt
Being Present
Going to the wilderness of the soul with another human being
Its not about finding a way out of the wilderness
Honoring the spiritNot focusing on the intellect
Tenets of CompanioningAlan Wolfelt
Listening with the heartNot analyzing with the head
Bearing witness to the struggles of othersNot judging or directing the struggles
Walking alongsideNot leading or being led
Discovering the gifts of sacred silenceNot filling the moments with words
Tenets of CompanioningAlan Wolfelt
Being stillNot constant busy-ness
Respecting disorder and confusionNot imposing order and logic
Learning from othersNot always being the teacher
CuriosityNot expertise
ResourcesWolfelt, Alan D. Companioning the Bereaved: A Soulful Guide for Caregivers. Companion Press. 2006.
Nouwen, Henri J.M. Our Greatest Gift: A Meditation on Dying and Caring. Harper Collins Publishers. 1994.
Nouwen, Henri J.M. Reaching Out: The Three Movements of the Spiritual Life. Image Doubleday. 1975.