COMMUNITY - Human Ecology

8/4/2019 COMMUNITY - Human Ecology

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COMMUNITY

"Human Ecology"

Written by

Dillan Nguyen

[email protected] June 25, 2011


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COLD OPEN

FADE IN:

EXT. QUAD - MONDAY NOON

JEFF, BRITTA, ANNIE, SHIRLEY, TROY, and ABED are sitting atpicnic tables under a tree. The group is practicing theirspeeches for class. Troy is reading a newspaper. PIERCEcasually walks up to the tables.

PIERCEWhat are you losers doing?

JEFFWe missed you, man.

BRITTA

Were writing our speeches forspeech class.

PIERCEWhat? Why wasnt I invited?

ANNIEWell, we didnt know you were stilla part of the group.

PIERCEI never left the group. Itscalled summer break.

ANNIEPierce, we tried contacting youevery way possible.

BRITTAWe even sent Troy home with aletter for you.

TROYSorry, but you were never home.

PIERCECause I was out partying, unlikeyour sorry butt.

JEFFLook, you can still register forthe class.


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PIERCEPsshh, yeah, right. And be ignoredagain. Like Id want to hang outwith you guys.

Pierce walks away stomping his feet in a childish fit. Jeff

is looking over at the newly built jungle gym/playground.There are several kids playing on it. Britta notices Jeffsadmiration for the kids.

BRITTAYou know, if youre wanting to pickup some kids, I can rent you a vanfor a day. Youre going to have toprovide your own candy, though.

JEFFHuh? No, Im just amazed howquickly the dean got the jungle gym

set up and why he would even thinkthats a good idea.

ABEDWell, after Shirley gave birth lastsemester, hes been hinting at amore family-friendly environmentfor Greendale.

BRITTAHey, Im thinking about taking ahome ec. course this semester.Youre welcome to join me.

JEFFWhat? No! Why even bring that up?

BRITTAI saw you eyeing those kids.

JEFFLets not make this creepy, Britta.

BRITTADont lie, Jeff. Its natural to

have a tendency to raise a familysome day. Its a part of life.

JEFFI dont ever want a family. AndIm certainly not compensating forpast family dilemmas.

BRITTAPierce never had kids, either.

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Jeff ponders Brittas statement.

JEFFSince when did colleges even offerhome ec. courses? What is this?High school?

BRITTAApparently, the dean just added itto the course roster this semester.

JEFFWhy are you even interested intaking it?

BRITTAMy father divorced my mom at anearly age, leading me to takeadmiration in a lawyer who had no

familial relation to me at all.

Jeff furiously gets up and leaves. Britta follows.

BRITTA (CONTD)Wait, Jeff. Im sorry. Look, ifyou just take this class, I wontbother you again about your sadlittle life.

JEFF(sarcasm)

Oh, no. Im not leaving cause of

that. I just heard a pesteringsound around me, and Im allergicto Bs.

Jeff walks away as Britta stands there dumbfounded. Annie issitting with Shirley. She notices that Jeff and Britta leftbehind their trash. She huffs and puffs in awe and begins tolook around to notice that everyone on campus is littering.STARBURNS is off into the distance and finishes drinking froma coffee cup. He stares at a trash can off to the side,shrugs his shoulders, and throws the cup over his shoulder.Annie huffs again. All the while, Shirley is reciting her

speech. Annie interrupts this speech.ANNIE

We need to do something about this.

SHIRLEYYes, we do. We need to let someonefinish their speech.

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ANNIENo, no, we need to do somethingabout the trash on our campus.

SHIRLEYHonestly, I dont see a problem.

ANNIEDont you see whats happening? Atthis rate, well lose the entireplanet to our own trash.

SHIRLEYOh, pumpkin, dont worry. All of itwill be left behind after the worldends, soon enough.

ANNIEWhen will that be, Shirley? Do you

really want your children to growup in this filth their whole life?What do you say we help make ourcampus a model for campuses allaround the country? Or at leastthe city.

Shirley stares off, thinking about her proposal.

SHIRLEYHuh, youre right. Lets go, girl!

Annie and Shirley leave to get started on their project.

Abed is writing his speech while Troy is still reading hisnewspaper.

ABEDYou ever realize how littlestudying we actually do? We choosethe most effortless classes everyyear for the sake of creatingstories within our locale insteadof having the innate studiousbehavior of most study groups.

Troy doesnt even look up from his newspaper and nods.TROY

Yep.

FADE OUT.

END OF COLD OPEN

4.


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ACT ONE

FADE IN:

INT. SPEECH CLASSROOM - MONDAY AFTERNOON

The majority of the class has arrived and seated themselves.The entire study group minus Pierce is seated and talking toone another. Pierce walks in nonchalantly.

BRITTATheres our guy!

STARBURNSThere he is!

CHANGs presence is unaware by the two rival study groups.He stands up slow-clapping.

CHANGI knew you could make it, buddy!

Jeff and Starburns both glance at and acknowledge Changspresence by giving a bewildered look.

JEFFCome on, Pierce. We can get you aseat over here.

PIERCEActually, Winger, Im not here foryou. You see, Ive moved on.

Pierce walks over to Starburnss group, and they all cheer,

including Pierce. They are all treating him with respect.Pierce tells a joke, and they all laugh and give him high-fives.

STARBURNSSo glad you decided to join us, bigguy.

Jeff gives a look of disbelief. He just shakes his head.His group is looking at him with looks of uncertainty.

ANNIE

Jeff, do something!TROY

Why do I feel like were the losersnow?

ABEDOh, weve always been the losers.Were the group of lovable misfitsof which sitcoms are built around.

5.

(MORE)


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Our nature allows us to haveadventurous stories that in the endwill pull us together due to ourconstant rejection of others.

SHIRLEY

So, what... Pierce was justpromoted on the social food chain?

ABEDYou could say that. His company isfavored by two different circle offriends. Which makes him, in fact,even more popular than each of us.

JEFF(outraged)

Pierce is not more popular than me!(calming down)

Alright, guys, lets just relax.Its fine. Hell be back beforeyou know it. Were the only groupthat can actually tolerate hisintolerance.

EXT. QUAD - TUESDAY MORNING

Annie and Shirley are handing out flyers as students areleaving class out of the hall doors.

ANNIE

Hey, itd be cool we could stop thelittering around here.

SHIRLEY(preaching)

The time is now to repent for yourwaste!

Annie gives Shirley an intrigued look.

SHIRLEY (CONTD)Ive had a bit of experience.

As people are forcefully given the flyers, the flyers areimmediately thrown on the ground when trash cans are clearlyin the proximity.

ANNIEHey, hey! At least throw em awayproperly!

6.

ABED (CONT'D)


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People grudgingly walk over to the trash cans to throw awaythe flyers.

ANNIE (CONTD)Thank you!

Annie runs out of flyers in her hands.

ANNIE (CONTD)Uh!

She heads over to the trash cans to pick up the thrown awayflyers and heads back to her original marker and startshanding out the same flyers, again.

INT. HOME EC. CLASSROOM - TUESDAY MORNING

Britta is already sitting in the classroom, fiddling on her

phone. Jeff walks in and sits next to her.

BRITTA(smiling)

I see youve decided to join theclass.

JEFFYeah, well, I wanted to take you upon your promise.

BRITTAYou know I was kidding. I only

said that to get you to go.

Britta gives a smug smile. PROF. JACKSON walks in carryingbehind him a cart full of dolls. He is one of the few blackprofessors at Greendale. He wears glasses and is in his latetwenties. His cheery mood allows him to seize the day.

PROF. JACKSONWelcome, class. I am ProfessorJackson. I want you to treat thisclassroom as your second home, so Iwant all of you to be as casual as

possible with each other. I wantall of you to call me homie thisyear.

JEFF(inaudible outside hisproximity)

Well, how can anyone say that andnot look racist.

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PROF. JACKSONNow, this semester, I will beteaching you everything youshouldve learned from yourparents.

One girl begins to bawl her eyes out.

PROF. JACKSON (CONTD)Oops, I suppose I shouldve saidguardians.

(then)Oh, well. Shell get over it.Now, lets make sure I have enoughbabies for everyone. In themeantime, find a partner, and thenwe can start the conception.

(winking to his femalestudents)

Jeff looks over at Britta.

JEFFWill you be my pretend-housewife?

BRITTAAs long as I get to wear the pantsin the relationship.

JEFFDont you read Cosmo? Shorts arein season right now. Besides, I

dont look good in maternity pants.

Jeff looks over and notices LEONARD is musing and wanderingaround the classroom looking for a partner.

JEFF (CONTD)Leonard, what are you doing here?Arent you old enough to fathereveryone here?

LEONARDThis is my blow-off class, homo.

You two arent Teen Mom material,either, you know.

JEFFOuch, you got me there.

BRITTAUh!

Britta pulls out her personal mirror and checks for crowsfeet. The professor begins to start handing out the babies.FAT NEIL is the only one without a partner.

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PROFESSOR JACKSONI hope you guys found yourpartners.

FAT NEILUm, I dont have a partner.

PROFESSOR JACKSONWell, it looks like youre going tobe a single mother.

FAT NEILIm a guy...

PROFESSOR JACKSONUh, yeah, if you say so.

Fat Neil nervously looks around embarrassed.

PROFESSOR JACKSON (CONTD)Now, to get back on track. Thesedolls are very fragile, okay? Youcant drop or shake one of theselike a real baby.

Jeff and Britta are baffled.

PROFESSOR JACKSON (CONTD)Wait, you should never drop orshake a baby. Okay, forget what Ijust said. Just treat it as youwould a real baby.

BRITTASo, how are we going to raise thisbaby?

JEFFWell, its just a doll, so I dontthink we actually have to raise it,Britta.

BRITTANo, I meant like how do we know

whos going to be responsible forit each day.

JEFFOh, then I say we split it like atimeshare, except instead of usswitching off a vacation toFlorida, itll be a vacation toactual hell.

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BRITTAIt cant be that bad.

JEFFHave you even been there?

BRITTANo, I meant taking care of a baby.

JEFFOh. Yeah.

INT. HALLWAYS - TUESDAY MORNING

Troy and Abed are walking to class. Abed sees a flyer thatsays theres going to be auditions for the schools radiostation. DEAN PELTON walks past and notices that Troy andAbed are looking at the flyer.

DEAN PELTONI see you boys are interested inbecoming radio show hosts.

Troy looks up. Abed is still reading the flyer.

TROYSince when did we have a radiostation?

DEAN PELTONSince never.

(chuckling to himself)I decided to start up a radiostation to inform the student bodyof campus news after I discoveredpeople just tune me out over the PAsystem.

TROYIf people already tune you out whenyou give the news, what makes youthink people are going to tune into hear the news?

DEAN PELTONHmmm, well, thats what werelooking for in the hosts. I had tocut the funding for the telegraphydivision of our communicationsdepartment to raise enough fundsfor this radio station, so you boysbetter bring your jester game facesto the auditions.

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ABEDOne question.

Abed shows the dean the flyer.

ABED (CONTD)

When are the auditions?

DEAN PELTONTheyre this Wednesday at noon.

(looking at flyer)Oh, boy. Looks like Im going tohave to reprint these flyers.Jeez, where has the time gone.Feels like it was just yesterdaywhen I got those angry telegramsasking for their funding back. Imean, come on. Its the 21stcentury. Move on, you know!

Dean Pelton begins to walk away, tearing down the flyers ashe walks past bulletin boards.

TROYWhat do you think?

ABEDI think we have a chance.

TROYTo take Troy and Abed in theMorning to the airwaves?

ABEDYeah, lets do it.

Troy and Abed carry out their special handshake as they walkoff.

INT. CAFETERIA - WEDNESDAY NOON

Jeff and Britta are eating lunch together with their babydoll sitting in an infant car seat on the table. Jeff walks

to the table holding hotdogs for him and Britta. Jeff issucking on a lollipop.

JEFFI think I can handle a kid. Thisthing wasnt so bad last night.

BRITTAYeah? How exactly was it?

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JEFFLike taking candy from a baby!Literally. Some old lady atBrookstone thought it was a realbaby and gave it a lollipop.

Jeff raises his lollipop in the same manner of a toast.

BRITTA(sarcastically)

Wow! That mustve been nice!(comes back to reality)

Any tips for me when I take care ofit tonight?

JEFFUh, yeah. Dont try to take outthe batteries. Already thought ofit. Theres a seal over the

batteries in its ass, and if youbreak it, its my ass thats on theline, too.

The baby doll starts to cry.

JEFF (CONTD)Oh, boy. It probably wants itsbottle now.

BRITTAHow do you know that?

JEFFIts a cycle. First, it cries,then you feed it. Second time,just change its diaper. I changedits diaper right before lunch.

BRITTAWell, I hope you washed your handsbefore you held my hotdog.

JEFFPlease, Britta. Technologys not

that advanced.Pierce walks by, holding a tray of food.

PIERCEIm only gone for three months, andyou guys have a kid already?

JEFFRelax, Pierce. Its a dummy doll.

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PIERCEYeah, no kidding its dumb. Lookat that stupid blank face on it.What, did she cheat on you withAbed?

(motioning tray towards

Britta)

BRITTANice to meet you, too, Pierce.

PIERCEPleasures all mine, Bitter.

BRITTAIts Britta.

PIERCEWhats brittle? Your self-esteem?

Britta gives a look of defeat. She inadvertently looks likea sourpuss. Pierce walks away to join Starburns.

JEFFMan, has Pierce always been thatharsh, or did long exposures to hisantics desensitize us?

BRITTAI know, right? Did you hear whathe called me?

JEFFI forgot how inept he can be justas much as how he forgot your name.

BRITTAWell, I havent forgotten howidiotic he is. Hes as idiotic asyou are pompous.

EXT. QUAD - THURSDAY MORNING

Annie and Shirley are by themselves. They are wearing hatsand gloves.

ANNIE(worried)

I hope everyone got the flyers.

SHIRLEYIts okay, sweetie. Theres notthat much to pick up.

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They look around to see more trash than there was in theopening scene. A great portion of the littering is due toAnnies flyers.

SHIRLEY (CONTD)Im sure we can do it. Or at least

get a good portion of it picked up.

Out of nowhere, Chang walks up looking prepared to do yardwork as well, too.

ANNIE(welcoming)

Hey, what are you doing here?

CHANGCame here to give you guys a Chang.

Chang opens his arms and smiles. Hes inviting them to give

him his props.

SHIRLEYWe were doing fine.

CHANGHey, Shirleeeyyy. Hows Ben-Ben?

SHIRLEYHes good. Hes with Andre.

CHANGThats cool. So what classes are

you guys taking this semester?

ANNIEIs that why you came here today,Chang?

CHANGWhat? No, I care about theenvironment, too. Now, are wegoing to get started on thislittering or are you guys going totell me your classes.

ANNIELets just start chipping away atthis blanket of trash.

INT. STUDY ROOM - THURSDAY MORNING

Jeff and Britta are sitting at the table with their baby inan infant car seat. They both looked stressed and tired.

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16/34

They rest their feet on the table. Troy and Abed are tryingto come up with material for their show. Abed has moved intoPierces seat.

JEFFAbbott, Costello. Wheres the

other double trouble?

Jeff points to Annie and Shirleys seats.

ABED(looking at where Jeff waspointing)

Theyre cleaning up the school, Ithink.

BRITTAWhat are you guys doing?

TROYAbed and I got the radio stationjobs down in the communicationsbuilding. We start hosting Monday.

ABEDWere just trying to think ofmaterial to talk about now.

BRITTAWhy dont you guys just use thematerial you wrote for theauditions?

ABEDWell, to be honest. Its reallynot airwave quality. We wrote itlike five minutes before theauditions.

TROYYeah, we got the jobs by default.Apparently, we were the only onesto show up to it.

JEFFWe really have a radio station now?Does the dean enjoy being ignored?

TROYThats the point. Supposedly,were going to give his news in themost entertaining way possible.

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BRITTA(snarky)

Good luck with that.

ABEDWhats up with you guys?

JEFFWere just a little stressed andtired from this brat right here.

Jeff kicks the carriage, and the baby starts crying.

BRITTANice going, you goon. I just gothim back to sleep, too. I was upall night trying to get him tosleep.

Abed walks over.

ABEDHe cant be that bad, guys.

He picks up the doll and begins to pat the baby on the backwhile gently swinging the baby. The baby stops crying.

JEFFHoly crap, Abed. Thats amazing.Howd you do that?

ABED

I wasnt going to just let myLifetime subscription expire.

BRITTAAbed! You have to help us takecare of this baby. It wont shutup! Weve been trying to findsound-proof rooms in our homes tolock it in this whole past week.

ABEDSorry, guys. Troy and I are having

a really hard time thinking of newmaterial. I dont have the mentalcapacity to work on both projects.

Jeff and Britta look at each other.

JEFFYoure taking it today.

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BRITTAWhat? Why? Its your night.

JEFF(excessively angry)

I had it last night!

BRITTANo. I had it last night.

JEFFDamn, I really thought thatd work.

BRITTAYeah, so what? Try it out on thenext bimbo you see. Thursdaynights are my girls night out.

JEFF

Yeah, well, my plans tonight didntinclude having to be a father.

BRITTAToo bad.

Troy and Abed are clearly annoyed by Jeff and Brittasconstant bickering and cannot focus. They look at each otherand nod.

TROYSee you guys later.

ABEDSee you guys later.

Troy and Abed leave the study room.

BRITTA (CONTD)Whats their problem?

JEFFI think theyre sensitive toterrible parenting.

Jeff stands up and stares at Britta for a couple seconds. Hetakes the baby and leaves the study room.

BRITTA(yelling after him)Parenting is a two-way street, youdipstick.

FADE OUT.

END OF ACT ONE

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ACT TWO

FADE IN:

EXT. QUAD - THURSDAY MORNING

Annie, Shirley, and Chang have barely gotten any trash pickedup. Shirley and Chang look extremely tired and begin to sitdown on a nearby bench.

ANNIEWere doing so well, guys. Dontgive up now.

SHIRLEYThis is tough, girl.

CHANG

Yeah, give us a break, Annie. Sitdown and Chang out with us for asec.

ANNIEGuys, we havent even been cleaningfor five minutes, and you want togive up already?

SHIRLEYI was totally with you, sweetie,but at this rate, we wont be doneuntil my boys have actually

finished college.

Just as Annie has given up all hope, a group of about tenjanitors show up in good fashion. They are all wearingblue/grey jumpsuits similar to that of the janitor fromScrubs. They all have their equipment, such as gloves andtools. She is under the impression that theyre there tohelp clean up the campus. Shirley and Chang stand up andwalk over to where Annie is standing. There is a gleam ofhope as the group of janitors walk up.

ANNIE

Im so glad you guys could show up!JANITOR

Whoa, whoa. Relax. Were not hereto help. We came here to tell youto stop doing all this.

(motioning hand overtrash)

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SHIRLEYUm, what do you mean by that?

JANITORWere going on strike after thedean cut our payroll. Its called

the Janitors Strike. Look it up.Its pretty big news.

ANNIEBig news around the nation, or...

JANITORNo, pretty much only around thebathrooms.

(then)The point is, if the dean sees youguys cleaning up the campus withoutpay, what makes you think he would

pay us to do the same thing?

ANNIEOh, Im sorry, but I didnt eventhink we had janitors here.

JANITORWho do you think cleaned up thepaintball mess last year? Youthink the dean just threw the$100,000 on the ground, and itmagically Mr. Cleand the school.

ANNIEWhy would he cut your payroll if hehad all that money?

JANITORHes the dean, not the schoolsfinancial advisor. He went crazywith the budget buying jungle gymsand other foolish furnishings.Once the well ran dry, he did thenext best thing. He cut several ofthe facultys budgets just for the

hell of it.ANNIE

So, if you guys just came here totell me that, whyd you bring yourequipment?

JANITOROh, this?

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He looks down at his outfit and brings attention to it.

JANITOR (CONTD)We always wear this. Its all wehave.

ANNIEYeah, but you brought your tools,too...

JANITORIts our calling. Were nothingwithout it.

(then)Can we get off this subject now?

ANNIEYeah, yeah. Sure.

(under her breath)

Weirdos.

INT. HOME EC. CLASSROOM - FRIDAY MORNING

Jeff and Britta walk in with immense hangovers. Jeff iscarrying their baby in an infant car seat. The baby is interrible shape but is relaxed. They are both wearingsunglasses while holding their coffees in their hands.

JEFFI have the biggest headache rightnow.

BRITTAYou do? I had six shots last nightbefore I lost count of all theshots after that.

JEFFI think I tried to pick up a girllast night, but all I couldremember was me trying to pee andher yelling at me to get out.

PROF. JACKSONLadies and gents, the time has comefor me to check up on your babiesand give out your weekly progressreports.

He glances over at Jeff and Brittas baby.

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PROF. JACKSON (CONTD)Fear not, these grades are notfinal. They are merely there tokeep you on your toes.

Jeff and Brittas baby begins to cry at normal level. Jeff

cups his ears as if he had just heard a banshee cry.

JEFF(yelling)

Oh, dear god. Has it always beenthis loud?!

Britta is halfheartedly rocking the baby back and forth untilit begins to calm down. Jeff then takes his hands off of hisears.

BRITTAWerent you with it all night last

night?

JEFFNo, I just left it in my car afterclass yesterday.

He notices the professor walking over and quickly smiles inthe most awkward fashion. He stands up and fixes the babysclothes and puts its pacifier inside of its mouth. He joinsBritta in soothing the baby.

PROF. JACKSON

I guess Ill start over here withJeff and Britta.

BRITTA(awkwardly laughing)

Nothing wrong here, professor.

JEFFYep, just a normal kid with caringparents. Cant wait until it growsup into the fine attorney itllsome day be. Right, Britta?

BRITTAUh, yeah... Or perhaps a morevirtuous career decision.

Prof. Jackson examines the baby. He turns it around andpulls down the babys trousers to take out the battery coverto read the babys status report.

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PROF. JACKSONOh, boy. Jeff, Britta, we need totalk.

He glances at the baby.

PROF. JACKSON (CONTD)Not in front of him. Over here.

He grabs them by Jeff and Britta by their shirts, and theywalk over to a corner of the room.

PROF. JACKSON (CONTD)I didnt want to say this in frontof him, but you guys are terribleparents.

JEFFProfessor, you realize the babys

not real, right?

PROF. JACKSONWell, your grade says otherwise,Mr. Winger. The computer tells meyour baby cried at least 46 timessince Ive assigned him to you.Im giving you and Britta a D fornow. I hope I dont need to remindyou two that this project is wortha third of your final grade. Isuggest you two read up on someparenting books.

Jeff and Britta protest the grade.

BRITTAWhat? Professor, this is amistake. It has to be a glitch orsomething.

PROF. JACKSONA glitch, Britta? Please, its2011. Weve been to the moon. Wesurvived Y2K. My phone checks the

weather for me before I even getout of bed. Come back when youhave a more believable story.

Prof. Jackson moves onto Fat Neil.

PROF. JACKSON (CONTD)(playfully nudging thestudents shoulder)

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(MORE)


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Nothing harder than being a singlemother, huh?

FAT NEIL(depressingly)

I wouldnt know...

INT. CAFETERIA - FRIDAY NOON

Annie and Shirley are heading to a table to sit down, coffeesin hand.

SHIRLEYThey nip us in the bud at anyfruitful attempt, sweetie. Theresnothing we can do.

ANNIE

There has to be something we cando. How can those janitors stop usfrom saving the planet?

SHIRLEYI dont know, but theyre reallyanal about it. I dropped a gumwrapper once. I was about to pickit up, but then one of them shovedme out of the way and told me tojust walk away.

(motioning her hands tomove along)

ANNIEAnal retentive.

SHIRLEYExcuse me?

ANNIEWhen you just say anal it soundsreally sexual.

SHIRLEY

Well if you want to be anal aboutit, then yeah.

ANNIEYou know what, its whatever. Wejust cant let them win. Maybe ifwe ask the dean to retract the paycuts, we can finally start having acleaner campus.

23.

PROF. JACKSON (CONTD)


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SHIRLEYIts worth a try, but I dont thinkthe deans the type of person togive in easily.

ANNIE

Oh, dont worry.

Annie articulately locks and loads an imaginary handgun to acomedic extent.

INT. DEANS OFFICE - FRIDAY AFTERNOON

Annie and Shirley are sitting in his office, just finishingtheir side of the story. Dean Pelton is coloring in adalmatian dog book. Failing to realize the lack of color indalmatian dogs, he has a whole box of crayons and only usesthe black and white colored crayons. He looks up.

SHIRLEYAnd you see why we need this,right?

DEAN PELTONAbsolutely not.

Annie is giving her doe eyes.

ANNIEPlease, dean. This would meaneverything to me if Greendale could

be the environmental role models ofother local colleges.

DEAN PELTONWell, that would be nice...

Annie and Shirley both shriek in joy.

SHIRLEYOh, yay!

DEAN PELTON

Oh, but I cant. Ive alreadyexhausted all of the funds on ourradio station. Turns out managinga radio station requires morefunding than telegraphs do.

SHIRLEYWell, theres no way you can cutfunding anywhere else?

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ANNIEAfter all, wont we eventually needcustodians for our campus?

DEAN PELTONOh, theyll get over it. What

other jobs could they get, am Iright?(then)

Oh, that was really rude. Im sorryfor that. Anyway, I cant just getback the money. Ive alreadybought the equipment and hired thestaff for it. Those two guys fromJeff Wingers study group. Hmmm,for the life of me, I just cantthink of their names right now...

Annie and Shirley quickly look at each other.

ANNIETroy!

SHIRLEYAbed!

DEAN PELTON (CONTD)Yeah, thats them!

Annie and Shirley get up to walk out before the dean attemptsto stop them for second.

DEAN PELTON (CONTD)Say hello to Jeff for me!

Annie and Shirley both nod and laugh nervously.

FADE OUT.

END OF ACT TWO

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ACT THREE

FADE IN:

INT. STUDY ROOM - LATER

Troy and Abed are now back at the table still trying todiscover skit material to do on the air. There are crumpledup paper balls everywhere. Annie and Shirley franticallywalk past the rooms door. Shirley looks through the windowsas she passes by.

SHIRLEY(pointing at the table)

There they are!

Annie and Shirley backtrack to walk into the room.

ANNIETroy, Abed!

Troy and Abed look up surprised.

TROYWhats up?

ANNIEI come to you with a proposal.

Troy stands up and walks towards Annie.

TROYWhoa, whoa. Thats a littleforthcoming, isnt it. Im a bittoo young to get married.

ANNIENo, no, not that.

TROY(clearly disappointed)

Oh... Okay, thats cool.(whispers)

Youre right. Not in front of him.(pointing to Abed)

SHIRLEYDont want to break his heart?

Annie and Troy glance at Shirley. Then at Abed. Then backto each other.

26.


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ANNIEYeaahh. We just heard that youguys have a radio show aroundcampus.

ABED

Yeah, were actually pretty busywith it right now.

ANNIEOh, thats good!

ABEDWould you please leave? Werehaving trouble coming up withmaterial for it.

SHIRLEYWell, thats why were here, Abed.

Troy and Abed look interested.

TROYContinue.

ANNIEWell, as you may have noticed,theres been a lot of trash aroundcampus from students littering.

TROYOkay, Im already bored.

ABEDAs I recall, a lot of the mess wasthe flyers you handed out.

ANNIEHey, theyre the ones who littered.Not me. I merely gave them theirweapons. Its entirely their faultfor abusing their given power!

ABED

Regardless, I dont think ourtarget audience would be interestedin a premise like that.

SHIRLEYThats the thing, Abed. Its notreally a skit.

ABEDThen why suggest it to us.

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ANNIEBecause its educational... Look,imagine how many listeners youdhave thatd be interested inactually learning something atschool.

SHIRLEYWed just be on the air for a fewminutes, anyway. Surely, you canspare four or five minutes.

ANNIEOr an hour. Your choice.

Troy looks at Abed.

TROY(beckoning him)

Can we talk?

Troy and Abed walk into the corner of the room. Troywhispers his idea into Abeds ear. Abed is nodding theentire time. Troy laughs, and Abed smiles. They both headback to the table to talk to Annie and Shirley.

TROY (CONTD)Okay, well let you on for asegment or two to see how well youtwo perform.

ANNIE

Great!

SHIRLEY

Thank the lord!

Annie and Shirley hug and celebrate.

ABEDAlright, details, ladies.

INT. HOME EC. CLASSROOM - MONDAY MORNING

Britta walks in with the baby. Jeff is already sitting downat his chair.

JEFFHow was it?

BRITTATerrible.

JEFFReally? The baby is stillterrible?

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BRITTAOh, sorry, I thought you meantwaking up this morning.

JEFFSo...

(motioning his hand forBritta to continue)How was taking care of the baby?

BRITTATerrible.

JEFFWhys that?

BRITTAI couldnt find a baby-sitter forit, so I decided to stay in and

drink instead. Then I realized Ihad to take care of a fake baby, soI decided to drink even more.

Jeff and Britta stand in front of the baby doll.

JEFFYou know what Ive noticed. Ourlives havent been the same sincewe got this kid.

BRITTAUh, you think.

JEFFNo, hear me out on this. We spentthe past week thinking we couldnttake care of this kid when inreality, we never really tried. Wethought we could just slide throughthis class and get an A just bychanging his diaper and feedinghim, but theres so much more tolife than that! Look at us,Britta. Could you believe that

that was the only thing we thoughta child needed in life? Look athow we turned out, I mean. Were Dparents cause we never grew upfrom being D children. Were notkids anymore. Its time, Britta.Lets break this below average, yetnot failing, cycle. Let our kidace life.

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BRITTA(smiling and lookingaround)

Jeez, its just a doll, guys. ButI agree. Lets be ace parents.And ace this class, as well.

Jeff puts his hand into Brittas back pocket and togetherthey look at their child. Britta takes his arm out herpocket and puts it around her shoulders instead.

JEFFLets name him Perry.

BRITTAUm... Okay.

JEFF(nodding)

Yep... Perry Mason Winger.

BRITTA(laughing)

Wait, Perry Mason? Like the famous60s TV show lawyer?

JEFF(nervously laughing)

What... I dont know what youretalking about.

BRITTA

Oh, man, we are old.

JEFFIt has good replay value.

EXT. LIBRARY - MOMENTS LATER

Jeff and Britta has just left the home ec. classroom, armsstill wrapped each other as they walk towards the librarydoors. Their eyes show a glimmer of hope for the future.They walk by Pierce who is sitting at the picnic tables with

Starburnss study group. The entire group is laughing whilethere is a radio sitting on the table. Jeff and Britta walkover to say hello to Pierce.

JEFFHey, Pierce.

BRITTAHows the new study group treatingyou?

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PIERCEWhat? Shhh, just sit down andlisten.

Jeff and Britta sit down with the rest of the group at thetables. They all listen in on the radio station.

TROY (O.S.)If youre just tuning in, werehere with our new segment, which wethink yall will really enjoy.

ABED (O.S.)Why dont you introduce yourselves,ladies?

ANNIE (O.S.)Well, my name is Annie, and Imhere to spread the word about the

increase in littering aroundcampus. With me, I have my greatfriend and organization partner,Shirley!

SHIRLEY (O.S.)Hello! Well be doing our dailysegments to talk about any campuslife dilemmas.

ANNIE (O.S.)Exactly, Shirley. Were going totry and improve campus life for

everyone.

SHIRLEY (O.S.)As you may have noticed, theresbeen a lot trash around campus.Heres reason number one out oftwelve to convince you guys to pickup after yourselves...

Annie and Shirley continue to drag on their segment.Unbeknownst to them, Troy and Abed are playing farts,whistles, and other various sound effects over their segment.

We can see that the entire campus is laughing and enjoyingwhat theyre hearing over the radio.

FADE OUT.

END OF ACT THREE

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TAG

FADE IN:

INT. STUDY ROOM - AFTERNOON

Troy and Abed hang out. Troy is reading the newspaper. Abedis writing in his notebook as well as cross-referencing histextbook that is sitting next to him. Jeff and Brittas babydoll is sitting on the table across from them.

ABED(looks up)

Ive noticed youve been readingthe newspaper a lot recently.

TROYOh, no. Im not reading it. I

just like how sophisticated I lookwith it.

ABEDThats dedication.

Abed continues to write in his notebook as if theconversation had never happened. Suddenly, the baby dollbegins to obnoxiously cry.

TROY(looking at ABED)

Whered Jeff and Britta go?

ABED(looks up at TROY)

Who knows.

INT. STUDY ROOM - MOMENTS LATER

Troy and Abed are laughing and enjoying themselves as theyplay catch with the crying baby doll. Jeff walks inunamused.

JEFFCome on, guys.

Troy and Abed stop playing catch with the crying baby dollmid-air. Abed doesnt catch the doll, and it falls to thefloor. They both look down in disappointment.

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EXT. QUAD - MINUTES LATER

Troy is running down the field as Abed chases him. Jeff isin a throwing stance with the crying baby doll in his hands.

JEFF

(yelling)Go long, Troy!

Jeff throws the still crying baby doll as far he can. Troymakes the catch as he is running. Abed puts his hands aroundhis waist and looks down in disappointment with a tired lookon his face. Troy slams the crying baby doll on the groundand kicks it as far as he can. The crying sound becomesdistorted as soon as he kicks the baby doll.

TROYTouchdown! In your face!

Jeff runs towards Troy and Abed, cheering with his arms inthe air with inaudible joyous yelling.

FADE OUT.

END OF TAG

33.

COMMUNITY - Human Ecology

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Transcript of COMMUNITY - Human Ecology