7/30/2019 Communication Patterns That Destroy Your Relationships

1/3

COMMUNICATION PATTERNS THAT DESTROYYOUR RELATIONSHIP

Partner 1: What are you angry for now?Partner 2: You never listen to me.Partner 1: Why would I? Youre always yelling and nagging.Partner 2: Look whos talking! Youre so insensitive reallyPartner 1:And youre impossible!Partner 2: Okay, waitlets not get all worked up againwhydont we just talk this outPartner 1: Forget it, theres no point I dont want to talk to you

Sound familiar? Just another heated couple argument?

Not according to psychologist John Gottman, whose team conductedresearch on over 2000 couples over 2 years. In fact, such arguments

contain signs that can predict relationship failure. It was found that whileconflict by itself may not be destructive to a relationship, certaincommunication patterns repeated and intensified over time could spellthe deathblow to the relationship.

So what are these negative patterns? Gottman calls them The fourhorsemen of the Apocalypse and each horseman (negative pattern)

paves way for the next.

1. Criticism:

This is an over-generalized complaint against your partners character orpersonality instead of a specific behaviour, making the other partner feel

attacked and wanting to defend themselves.

When partners engage in criticism, they use phrases like "You never, ""You always," "You should," "Why don't you ever," and "Why are youalways?"

2. Contempt:

This is probably the most hurtful to a relationship since it involvesdemeaning your partner psychologically through hostile words or bodylanguage. Usually it results from resentment building over time, leadingto openly insulting and tearing down your partners self-esteem.

Contempt is expressed verbally through sarcasm, ridicule, yelling andname-calling. For example, Youre such a pain, stupid. Partners mayalso show contempt towards each other through non-verbal expressions

like rolling eyes, curling upper lip, sneering, avoiding eye contact etc. Amore aggressive form of contempt involves threatening or provoking

your partner.According to Gottmans research, the initial minutes of a discussion canpredict its outcome 96% of the time. If it begins with criticism orcontempt, it is a harsh start-up and will most likely end withoutresolution, making both partners even more angry and negative towardseach other.

3. Defensiveness:

7/30/2019 Communication Patterns That Destroy Your Relationships

2/3

This is when one partner feels like the victim and tries to shieldhim/herself from the other ones verbal attacks.Defensive responses include making excuses ("Yes, but"), denyingresponsibility ("It's not my fault I". So), cross-complaining ("Itwouldnt have happened if you didn't", "That's not true, you're the one

who"), whining ("That's not fair, at least I didn't") or repeatinghim/herself while ignoring what the partner is saying.

Emotional flooding takes place when one partner is suddenly

overwhelmed by the others criticism, contempt and defensiveness.Physical symptoms (rapid heart rate, sudden adrenaline rush, increasedblood pressure) block the brains capacity to reason and trigger a fight orflight response. Thus, there is no chance for productive problem-solving,rather the distressed partner feels like he/she is walking on eggshells notknowing when their partner will blow up again.

4. Stonewalling:

This is when one partner retreats from the other to avoid a fight bychanging the subject, keeping silent, giving only monosyllabic responses,muttering to oneself or removing oneself physically. Some people thinkthat doing this will make them appear neutral and calm in an argument.However, their partner may see them as being disapproving, smug,

disconnected or experience as it as a cold war or emotional separation.

When exiting the relationship this way and avoiding solving the problemat handbecomes the predictable pattern in a relationship, it could be

headed for a breakup and requires urgent attention.Sometimes one partner might try to calm the building tension in the

argument in order to avoid reaching the state of emotional flooding. Butwhen criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling are stronglyprevailing in the relationship, there are high chances that these effortswill go unnoticed by the other partner. Such failed repair attempts will

just lead to a cycle of increasingly negative communication patterns till

one partner backs out.

Now, lets take a closer look at the initial conversation exchange betweentwo partners

Partner 1: What are you angry for now? (harsh start-up)

Partner 2: You neverlisten to me. (criticism)Partner 1: Why would I?Youre alwaysyelling andnagging. (defensiveness, criticism)

Partner 2 (rolling her eyes): Look whos talking! Youre so

insensitive really (defensiveness, contempt)

Partner 1:And youre impossible! (contempt)Partner 2:Okay, waitlets not get all worked up againwhydont we just talk this out(repair attempt)

Partner 1:(throwing up his hands in the air and walking away):Forget it, theres no point I dont want to talk to you(emotional

7/30/2019 Communication Patterns That Destroy Your Relationships

3/3

flooding, stonewalling)As you can see, all of the negative patterns discussed in this article canbe identified in this brief dialogue. And if this is the way that this couplefights on a regular basis, research points out that their relationship is

bound to end.

But the good news is that with timely intervention to help them changetheir way of handling conflicts, they have the opportunity to make aturnaround and achieve a successful, satisfying relationship.If you recognize these negative patterns in your own relationship andwant assistance to make a change, please dont hesitate to contact our

professionally qualified counselors to help you.