COMMUNICATING WITH CHALLENGING CUSTOMERS

Presented by Flagstaff Child and Family Counseling Center Carrie Hargrave, LPC Kelli Sieczkowski, LCSW

General Communication Skills

First understand accepted rules of good communication

– Listening – Reflection – Clarifying – I statements

General Communication Skills

Acknowledge and Validate Emotions– Attend to emotional distress first, problem second.

Assume that the Customer has a right to be angry Don’t personalize the individuals statements Be Patient Don’t Interrupt while the person is talking/venting. Speak softly Own the problem

– Assure the customer that you will help them to find a solution.

CHALLENGING CUSTOMERS

PEOPLE WITH MENTAL HEALTH ISSUES INTOXICATED INDIVIDUALS TEENAGERS ANGRY PEOPLE PEOPLE WITH UNREALISTIC

EXPECTIONS OTHERS…….

CHALLENGES

UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS OF SERVICE

INEFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION TECHNIQUES

OUR OWN PERCEPTIONS OTHERS……..

MENTAL HEALTH ISSUES “Don’ts”

Don’t criticize, accuse, or blame Don’t assume, clarify by asking questions Don’t bring up the persons diagnosis Don’t raise your voice or attempt to

“discipline” the person Avoid sounding condescending, or talking to

person like a child

Mental Health Issues---Don’ts

Don’t use sarcasm Avoid humor in difficult situations Never ever promise what you can’t deliver

– It may calm things now but will reduce trust in the future

Mental Health Issues “Do’s”

Relax and stay calm Listen and make eye contact (unless person

feels threatened by eye contact) Discuss one topic at a time Acknowledge persons words and feelings

even when you don’t agree

Mental Health Issues “Do’s”

Ask for opinions and suggestions Stick to the present issue, don’t refer to the

past Use “I” statements avoid “you” statements Use reflective listening skills “If I understand

you correctly, we need to……Is that what you are saying”

Focus on observable facts, “When you came in here…..”

DEALING WITH INTOXICATED CUSTOMERS

Intoxicated individuals are less self reflective, do not assume they are aware of their own behavior.

Alcohol prevents one from perceiving several cues at once & engage in problem solving.

Affects memory, individuals are less able to recall previous consequences to actions.

DEALING WITH INTOXICATED CUSTOMERS

Alcohol reduces frustration tolerance. – Speak to individual respectfully – Use empathic/reflective listening skills to

communicate that you understand. Alcohol increases the likelihood of risk taking

and aggression, do not assume you know what this person will do.

BE PREPARED TO CALL THE POLICE FOR ASSISTANCE

TEENAGERS

WHAT DO THEY WANT? – To be treated with respect

Watch out for hooking questions using them or having them used with you

– To be approved of Validation is very important and must be

sincere

TEENAGERS

HOW DO I DO THIS? – Same guidelines as for adults

See General Communication skills Be aware of stereotypical assumptions about

teens– Separate the teen from his peers if possible

One on One they are totally different No need to save face when they are alone with

you

WORDS OF WISDOM

“SPEAK WHEN YOU ARE ANGRY, AND YOU’LL GIVE THE BEST SPEECH THAT YOU WILL EVER REGRET”

LAWRENCE J. PETER

EVALUATING OUR OWN COMMUNICATION STYLE

NONCOMMUNICATION TECHNIQUES

– HOOKING QUESTIONS – ADVICE GIVING – SELF LISTENING

AVOID HOOKING QUESTIONS

QUESTIONS THAT HAVE AN UNSPOKEN JUDGEMENT OR STATEMENT BEHIND THEM.

A SPECIFIC ANSWER IS EXPECTED – Are you trying to cause trouble? – Why do you always bother people?

AVOID HOOKING QUESTIONS

QUESTION IS AT TIMES A CHALLENGE OR A TRAP– Is your room clean?

Parent already knows the answer, either answer from child makes him wrong

– Are you Drunk? Again answer already known, either answer

makes person wrong

USE SOLICITING QUESTIONS OR MAKE INTENDED STATEMENTS

Soliciting questions genuinely request information . – Your activity over here is bothering the other

customers, is there something I can help you find?

Intended statements state your desire or states a fact.– I noticed you haven’t cleaned your room, I would

like to see it done by 3:00. – It looks to me like you have been drinking.

RESPONDING TO A HOOKING QUESTION

Allow the person to finish the question before responding, they may make the statement after the question. – Is it hot in here? I am really hot

Ask the person to restate the question– I’m sorry I didn’t understand your question

could you help me understand please.

RESPONDING TO A HOOKING QUESTION

Reflect back your understanding of the question. – Question: Why are you doing that?– Response: I get the impression you

think there is something else I should be doing.

ALTERNATIVES FOR HOOKING QUESTIONS

HOOKING ???sWhat if…?

Would you like…?Why did you?.... What do you want for

dinner? What are you doing

Friday?

DIRECT MESSAGEMy belief, hope, prediction

is…I would like/prefer….. I don’t like it when…. I’d like….

I’d like to see you Friday.

ALTERNATIVES TO HOOKING QUESTIONS cont.

HOOKING ???sHow’s it going…? When was the last

time…? Don’t you think….? How does this decision

conflict with the policy set at our last meeting?

DIRECT MESSAGEI want to talk to you

about… I think it is time you….I think…. I believe this decision

conflicts with the policy set at our last meeting.

AVOID ADVICE GIVING

Places the sender in an authority role Solutions are lost Invites disagreements

– Yes but…. – Won’t work – Other discounting statements

Focus is on opinions rather than solutions

Alternatives to advice giving

Sharing your experience– Does not suggest what others should do but what we

have done in the past and suggests what is possible in the future.

Listening Actively and Reflectively– Allows the person to get a clearer perspective on their

situation and discover their own solutions

Broken Record Technique

Persistently sending the same message to a listener.– I am not interested in what you have to sell – I am not able to provide what you are

requesting– I will be happy to help you, if you can wait

just a minute

Broken Record Technique

Guidelines for effective use– Limit supply of free information – Repeat the statement without raising voice

volume or adding to the statement, relies on repetition not Loudness or persuasiveness.

Misuses of Broken Record

Avoid – Repeating hooking questions – Advice giving You should get here on timeYou should be patient

Suggestions for minimizing misuse

See General Guidelines for Communication– Self Disclosure – Active Listening – I Statements

DISARMING ANGER

TYPICAL/INEFFECTIVE RESPONSES– FIGHT – FLIGHT – FREEZE

TRYING TO REASON WITH THE ANGRY PERSON– TYPICALLY UNSUCCESSFUL

DISARMING ANGER

EFFECTIVE TECHNIQUES – BROKEN RECORD – REFLECTIVE LISTENING– EMPATHETIC STATEMENT

I AM SORRY THAT HAPPENED TO YOU. LET’S SEE WHAT WE CAN DO

I CAN UNDERSTAND WHY YOU’RE ANGRY.

– OWNING PART OF THE PROBLEM LET ME CHECK INTO THAT

Avoid Self Listening

Self Listening is attending to our own responses instead of what the person is saying. – This can cause misunderstanding – Distorted view of the other persons intent due to

our own emotional and physical reactions. These are fueled by irrational beliefs

Types of Self Listening

Irrational Beliefs Rehearsal Self Criticism Making Assumptions

Irrational Beliefs

Irrational Beliefs– I must be thoroughly

competent and achieving

Intentions – To be right – To be viewed as

competent – To get a job done – To look good – To get immediate

action and results

Irrational Beliefs

Irrational Belief

– I must be liked or approved of

– I must be treated fairly (Fairness Doctrine)

– You must be punished

Intention– To be liked, – To be loved – To be approved of– To be respected

– To get my own way– To be treat fairly– To not be frustrated

– To punish others– To get them– To pay them back.

Irrational Beliefs

Irrational Belief

– I must be comfortable

– I must not be frustrated

Intentions– To relieve tension – To feel good – To avoid upset – To not be frustrated

– To avoid hard work – To avoid frustration – To get immediate action

and results

Rehearsal

Net effect we don’t hear what is being communicated because of the internal noise we generate ourselves

Self Criticism

Verbal abuse of self– Causes more mistakes – Self punishment for errors – Similar to perfectionism – Interferes with sending and receiving messages

We can misinterpret intent of another's message as criticism

Self Criticism

When the inner critic is quiet we will be better able to understand the communications of others.

Making Assumptions

Listening to our own beliefs or expectations about what the person needs or wants.

Assuming we understand what they mean

Alternatives to Self Listening

Quiet your mind & focus on the present moment

Focus on breath while you listen to others Use Active Reflective Listening

– avoids using rehearsal– Share your understanding of the other persons

statement

Use Clarifying statements

UNREALISTIC V. REALISTIC EXPECTATIONS

If I’m good at my job, I should know all the answers

I will never know all the answers: an expert is a person who knows where to go to get the answers

UNREALISTIC V. REALISTIC EXPECTATIONS

Telling someone to calm down will help them to calm down.

Listening to someone will help them calm down.

UNREALISTIC V. REALISTIC EXPECTATIONS

If there is a problem, someone did something wrong.

Anger happens, problems happen. No one is to blame

Scenarios

What worked ?

What didn’t work ?

What would you do differently ?