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Travis Pulk

Sociology

Mr. Turcotte

2 December 2008

Children of Alcoholics

Growing up in a household with an alcoholic parent can effect a child more

than many people could ever imagine. In the United States, around twenty million

children are undergoing physical, verbal and emotional abuse from parents who are

captivated by alcohol. In these homes, children experience a daily atmosphere of

variation, terror, rejection, and violence. While a majority of people think of

alcoholism as an illness, too few people identify it as a family illness, which may

psychologically, religiously and often physically, affect not only the alcoholic but

each member of the family.( http://www.memphisareaal-anon.org/aboutus.htm) Little

expressive energy remains to complete the various desires of kids who become

victims of the family infirmity. For many years, trained psychologists were hardly

conscious of the immense pool of distress of the family of alcoholics. They focused

on curing the alcoholic and felt that it fixed the issues of the family as well. Today

they comprehend that the whole family unit suffers this sickness and all must be made

well.

Most of the childhood memories that the young will store will be with there

parent at their worst. When mom or dad become out of control, they no longer care

about the child which increases the severity of the problem. Any following shameful

occurrence, which even loosely resembles that precedent suffering, can simply set off

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the words and scenes of said suffering. What are then remembered are the latest

familiarity and the previous. Over occasion an increase of shameful memories are

attached together. Each new scene adds to the old and as the years go on, these

thoughts are brought up very easily. Shame has basically now been placed in this

child’s identity forever.

One way that these children try and get there loved ones to stop is by hiding

or dumping out the alcohol. Doing this hardly ever works and just makes the

parent(s) very angry. The next thing that most of these kids try is the guilt method.

Saying things like, “you will stop if you loved me.” These kids do not understand

that they cannot have power over a disease. Some children deal with all of this by

becoming an ideal child; getting good grades and being responsible could be an

example of that. Other children may chose to get into trouble all of the time. This

usually distracts families away from the real problem. Then there are even the

children who go to school every day with the intention of making people laugh and

getting into a little mischief. And there is also that child in the corner of life who

never really gets recognized, this child feels a sense of invisibility. Although all of

these children act the same way as other children at school they go through a lot more

distress.

Throughout the whole lives of these people there is always going to be

something missing in there lives. These people are now missing a piece of them and

can now never become complete on the inside. The reason why they are feeling likes

this is because there needs as a child were never met but now that they are adults

there is no way to overcome this. As you get older and you are not used to having

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your desires met it creates many mental wounds; co-dependency being one of the

most serious. Much has been written about co-dependency. All agree that it is about

the loss of selfhood. Co-dependency is a condition wherein one has no inner life.

Happiness is on the outside. Good feelings and self-validation lie on the outside. Pia

Mellody's definition of co-dependency is "a state of dis-ease whereby the authentic

self is unknown or kept hidden, so that a sense of self...of mattering...of esteem and

connectedness to others is distorted, creating pain and distorted relationships."

(Bradshaw, 1998, p.14). Children of alcoholics, learn to be care takers or rescuers

early in life. They've developed a mechanism that helped in coping with fear, pain,

insecurity and growing up in an abusive alcoholic family. Usually this is how the

child copes with not being able to get their own needs met. But later in life, as an

adult, those well learned habits imprison them in frustrating, painful, co-dependent

relationships, at home and at work.

"Adult children of alcoholics guess at what normal behavior is; have difficulty

following a project through from beginning to end; lie when it would be just as easy

to tell the truth; judge themselves without mercy; have difficulty having fun; take

themselves very seriously; have difficulty with intimate relationships; overreact to

changes over which they have no control; constantly seek approval and affirmation.

They are also sometimes super responsible or super irresponsible; they are extremely

loyal, and they tend to lock themselves into a course of action without giving serious

consideration to alternative behaviors or possible consequences. This impulsiveness

leads to confusion, self-loathing, and loss of control over their environment. In

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addition, they spend an excessive amount of energy cleaning up the mess." (Woititz,

1983, p.4) Some of the most common side effects are guilt; the child may see himself

or herself as the main cause of the mother's or father's drinking. Anxiety; the child

may worry constantly about the situation at home. He or she may fear the alcoholic

parent will become sick or injured, and may also fear fights and violence between the

parents. Embarrassment; parents may give the child the message that there is a terrible

secret at home. The ashamed child does not invite friends home and is afraid to ask

anyone for help. Confusion; the alcoholic parent will change suddenly from being

loving to angry, regardless of the child's behavior. A regular daily schedule, which is

very important for a child, does not exist because bedtimes and mealtimes are

constantly changing. Anger; the child feels anger at the alcoholic parent for drinking,

and may be angry at the non-alcoholic parent for lack of support and protection.

Inability to have close relationships because the child has been disappointed by the

drinking parent many times, he or she often does not trust others. Although the child

tries to keep the alcoholism a secret, teachers, relatives, other adults, or friends may

sense that something is wrong. Child and adolescent psychiatrists advise that the

following behaviors may signal a drinking or other problem at home. Failure in

school, lack of friends, withdrawal from classmates, delinquent behavior, such as

stealing or violence, frequent physical complaints, such as headaches or

stomachaches, abuse of drugs or alcohol, aggression towards other children, risk

taking behaviors, depression and suicidal thoughts. Some children of alcoholics may

act like responsible "parents" within the family and among friends. They may cope

with the alcoholism by becoming successful "over achievers" throughout school, and

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at the same time be emotionally isolated from other children and teachers. Their

emotional problems may show only when they become adults, but in fact they have

been "adult children" their whole lives. "Adult Child" carries a double meaning: the

adult who is trapped in the fears and reactions of a child, and the child who was

forced to be an adult without going through the natural stages that would result in a

healthy adult. When the adult child of a dysfunctional family begins to enter the "real

world" schools and the workplace they discover their family system is not the reality

shared by their classmates and co-workers. Many adult children become loners or

form tight, unhealthy relationships with other children of dysfunctional homes. These

relationships actually re-enforce their dysfunctional view of the world by "finding

another person who really understands. " The tightness of the bonds created in these

relationships is accented by the child's lack of an individual sense of identity. They do

not yet know where they stop and someone else begins. As a result they are unable to

define their limits and begin to take on other people's opinions, defects and needs. If

the adult child is able to form lasting friendships (some never do), it is usually with

other adult children who provide familiar characteristics similar to the family's

dysfunction. Adult children can be very slow to recognize the patterns of family

problems. They spent their lives being trained by the family to not see the problem,

even when they are re-created in friendships, marriages and work relationships.

Whether or not their parents are receiving treatment for alcoholism, these

children and adolescents can benefit from educational programs and mutual-help

groups such as programs for children of alcoholics, Al-Anon, and Alateen. Early

professional help is also important in preventing more serious problems for the child,

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including alcoholism. Child and adolescent psychiatrists help these children with the

child's own problems, and also help the child to understand they are not responsible

for the drinking problems of their parents. The treatment program may include group

therapy with other youngsters, which reduces the isolation of being a child of an

alcoholic. The child and adolescent psychiatrist will often work with the entire family,

particularly when the alcoholic parent has stopped drinking, to help them develop

healthier ways of relating to one another. One very successful form of recovery for

adult children involves acknowledging the existence of an inner child. The child, who

was small, lost and without hope never really went away, but froze. Recovering adult

children can find that inner child and resume the process of nurturing to allow him/her

to complete the job of growing into a healthy adult. Many counselors, therapists and

psychologists have been valuable to many adult children in the process of Recovery.

Almost all of the books published on the subject of adult children were written by

mental health professionals.

Growing up in an alcoholic family is certainly traumatic, and it seems there are

no positive aspects involved. The fact of the matter is these children will be scared for

life and most likely need some kind of counseling in the future depending on the

severity of the abuse. Too many kids in America have lived through this awful

routine. Alcohol merely should never be mistreated, neither should the children.

http://www.memphisareaal-anon.org/aboutus.htm

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Cutter, Henry S. & T.J. O'Farrel. "Relationship Between

Reasons for Drinking & Customary Behavior." Journal of

Studies on Alcohol, Volume 45, #4, July 1992, pp.

321-325.