Children, Divorce and the Role of the ECE

www.yoursocialworker.com

Life of a Child of Separated Parents

The Role of the Early Childhood Educator

Gary Direnfeld, MSW, RSWwww.yoursocialworker.com


Childhood Development 101

Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs

Physiological Needs air, water, food, sleep, sex, etc.

Safety Needs Security, safety, stability

Love Needs Belongingness, connectedness

Esteem Needs Competence, mastery and attention,

recognition

Self-Actualization Self-fulfillment, peace


0 – 1 year old

What’s Going on Developmentally?


2 – 4 Year Olds



5 – 12 Year Olds



The Equation for Healthy Development

Healthy Development

=

meeting Maslow’s hierarchy of basic needs


The New Math

Divorce = Change

Exposure to disruption and conflict

causes stress and undermines healthy development.

Change = Disruption + Conflict


Exposure = Stress

Disruption: Routines Structure Emotional availability Residence Relationships Expectations Care

Conflict Low conflict

parents able to manage between themselves

Medium conflict Parents require outside

resources High conflict

Parents involved in Court system


Stress Interrupts Development

What are the behavioural correlates of developmental interruption…by age?


Cycling Out of Control

The higher the conflict the greater the disruption. The greater the disruption the greater the stress. The greater the stress the more pronounced the impact on the child. The more pronounced the impact on the child, the greater the likelihood of seeing problematic behaviour. The more the problematic behaviour, the greater the conflict as parents project blame on each other.


Impact of Conflict on Daycare

Impact on Daycare1. Parents cooperate and

inform daycare of situation to support child

2. Parents operate separately with daycare

3. Parents draw daycare into conflict as source of data to support position or to restrict access to data and/or child

Conflict1. Low conflict

Parents able to manage between themselves

2. Medium conflict Parents require outside

resources

3. High conflict Parents involved in Court

system


High Conflict =Poor Boundaries

Both parents seek custody May seek to restrict access Daycare becomes a battleground for transfer/access Allegations of poor parenting to mal-treatment Parents may tell stories regarding other parent – mutual

denigration Both parents may try to define the rights of the other Parents seek data to use against other parent Parents seek to enlist or recruit allies from daycare


Kids are exposed to it all and dragged in…

Spousal abuse Physical Verbal Psychological

Child abuse Physical Verbal Psychological

Audio….

Fight for me…

Twist things around

Sick and needs help

Silver van


Caution!

One-sided stories – induction Secret codes – Tell the truth! Child disclosures does not equal child

experiences! Role boundary!


Benefits of DaycareDuring Divorce

Place of safety Basic care needs met Emotional needs for attention and affiliation met Opportunity for continued learning and skill

development Neutral turf Absorb and manage behaviour arising


Management Strategies

1. Define the daycare as a “safe place” (free from issues at home).2. Limit parents’ disclosures of divorce matters – redirect to counselling

or divorce group/education.3. Avoid being inducted into a “one-sided” version of events.4. Remind and redirect parents when talking about the divorce or other

parent in view of the child.5. Require a letter signed by both parents or court order stipulating who

is responsible for pick-up, emergency calls, etc.6. Provide only factual or “behavioural” data when required by Court

Order. Charge a fee!7. Hand out article: Treading on Sacred Ground


The Role and Goal

The role of the ECE is to facilitate appropriate boundaries between the daycare and the parents such that the parents do not intrude on the daycare setting.

The goal is to maintain neutrality for the sake of the child in a setting that provides a place of safety and respite from parental conflict.


Policies / Procedures

Boundary issues / parental intrusions Violence Access to information / reports Requests to limit parental role Other….


Life of a Child of Separated Parents

The Role of the Early Childhood Educator

Gary Direnfeld, MSW, RSWwww.yoursocialworker.com

Children, Divorce and the Role of the ECE

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