THE SCENE

Chicago, Illinois. The LATE 1920S.

ACT ONE

ANNOUNCER:Welcome. Ladies and Gentlemen, you are about to see a story of murder, greed, corruption, violence, exploitation, adultery, and treachery - all those things we all hold near and dear to our hearts. Thank you.

1.OVERTURE

OVERTURE(Instrumental)

2.ALL THAT JAZZ

Velma:Come on, BabeWhy don't we paint the town?And All That Jazz

I'm gonna rouge my knees And roll my stockings downAnd All That Jazz.

Start the car I know a whoopee spot Where the gin is cold but the piano's hotIt's just a noisy hall Where there's a nightly brawlAnd All That Jazz!

[Dance break]

Slick your hair And wear your buckle shoesAnd All That Jazz!

I hear that father dip Is gonna blow the bluesAnd All That Jazz

Hold on, hon We're gonna bunny hug I bought some Aspirin Down at United Drug

In case you shake apart And want a brand-new start To do that -

Velma & Company:Jazz!

Company: Skidoo!

Velma:And All That Jazz

Company: Hotcha!Whoopee!

Velma:And All That Jazz

Company:Hah! Hah! Hah!

Velma:It's just a noisy hall Where there's a nightly brawl

All:And all that Jazz

(Fred Casely and Roxie Hart enter)

Fred:Listen, your husband ain't home, is he?Velma:No, her husband is not at home!

Find a flask We're playing fast and loose

Company:And All That Jazz!

Velma:Right up here Is where I store the juice

Company:And All That Jazz!

Velma:Come on babeWe're gonna brush the skyI bet you lucky Lindy Never flew so high'Cause in the stratosphere How could he lend an earTo All That Jazz

Company:Oh, you're gonna see her sheba shimmy shake

Velma:And All That Jazz!

Company:Oh, she's gonna shimmy till her garters break

Velma:And All That Jazz

Company:Show her where to park her girdleOh, her mother's blood is curdleIf she'd hearHer baby's queer For All That Jazz!

Velma: Company:And All That Jazz!Come on, Babe Oh, you're gonna seeWhy don't we paint YourThe town? Sheba

And All That Jazz Shimmy shakeAnd All That Jazz!

I'm gonna Oh,Rouge my knees She's gonna shimmyAnd roll my 'Till her gartersStockings down Break And All That Jazz And All That Jazz

Start the car Show her where to I know a whoopee spot Park her girdleWhere the gin is cold Oh, her mother's blood'dBut the piano's hot. Curdle It's just a noisy hall If she'd hearWhere there's a nightly brawl Her baby's queerAnd All That Jazz! For All That Jazz!

Roxie:So, that's it, huh Fred?Fred:Yeah, I'm afraid so Roxie.Roxie:Oh, Fred...Girls:Oh, Fred...Fred:Yeah?Roxie:Nobody walks out on me.

(Roxie shoots him.)

Fred:Sweetheart -Roxie:Oh, don't "sweetheart" me, you son-of-a-bitch!

(Roxie shoots him again. Fred dies.)

Company:Hotcha!Whoopee!Jazz!Roxie:Oh, I gotta pee.

(Roxie exits.)

Velma:No, I'm no one's wife But, oh, I love my life And All That Jazz!

Company:That Jazz!

3.FUNNY HONNY

ANNOUNCER:For her first number, Miss Roxie Hart would like to sing a songof love and devotion dedicated to her dear husband Amos.

FUNNY HONEYRoxie:Sometimes I'm rightSometimes I'm wrongBut he doesn't careHe'll string along He loves me soThat funny honey of mine!

Sometimes I'm downSometimes I'm upBut he follows 'roundLike some droopy-eyed pupHe loves me soThat funny honey of mine!

He ain't no sheikThat's no great physiqueLord knows he ain't got the smarts

Oh, but look at that soulI tell you, that wholeIs a whole lot greaterThan the sum of his parts

And if you knew him like meI know you'd agree

What if the worldSlander my name?Why, he'd be right thereTaking the blame

He loves me soAnd it all suits me fineThat funny, sunny, honeyHubby of mine!

Amos:A man's got the right to protect his home and his loved ones, right?Fogarty:Of course, he has!Amos:Well, I come in from the garage, Officer, and I see him coming through the window. With my wife Roxanne there, sleepin'...Like an angel...

Roxie: Amos:He loves me so ...an angel!That funny honey of mine!

Amos:I mean supposin', just supposin', he had violated her or somethin'...you know what I mean...violated?

Fogarty:I know what you mean...Amos:...or somethin'. Think how terrible that would have been. It's a good thing I came home from work on time, I'm tellin' ya that! I say I'm tellin' ya that!

Roxie:He loves me soThat funny honey of mine!

Fogarty:Name of deceased...Fred Casely.Amos:Fred Casely. How could he be a burglar? My wife knows him! He sold us our furniture!

Roxie:Lord knows he ain't got the smarts

Amos:She lied to me. She told me he was a burglar.Fogarty:You mean he was dead when you got home?Amos:She had him covered with a sheet and she's givin' me that cock and a bull story about this burglar, and I ought to say I did it 'cause I was sure to get off. Burglar, huh!

Roxie: Amos:Now, he shot off his trap And I believed her!That cheap little tramp. So, sheI can't stand that sap was two-timing me, huh?Well, then, she can justswing for all I care.Look at him go Boy, I'm down at the garage,Rattin' on me working my butt off fourteenWith just one more brain hours a day and she's up thereWhat half-wit he'd be munchin' on God-damn bon-bonsand jazzing. This time sheIf they string me up pushed me too far.I'll know who That little chiseler.Brought the twine Boy, what a sap I was!

That scummy, crummyDummy hubby of mine

ANNOUNCER:And now the six merry murderesses of the Cook County Jail in their rendition of the "Cell Block Tango."

4.CELL BLOCK TANGO

Liz:Pop.

Annie:Six.

June:Squish.

Hunyak:Uh-Uh.

Velma:Cicero.

Mona:Lipschitz!

Liz:Pop.

Annie:Six.

June:Squish.

Hunyak:Uh-Uh.

Velma:Cicero.

Mona:Lipschitz!

Liz:Pop.

Annie:Six.

June:Squish.

Hunyak:Uh-Uh.

Velma:Cicero.

Mona:Lipschitz!

Liz:Pop.

Annie:Six.

June:Squish.

Hunyak:Uh-Uh.

Velma:Cicero.

Mona:Lipschitz!

All:He had it comingHe had it comingHe only had himself to blame.If you'd have been thereIf you'd have seen it

Velma:I betcha you would have done the same!

Liz:Pop.

Annie:Six.

June:Squish.

Hunyak:Uh-Uh.

Velma:Cicero.

Mona:Lipschitz!

Liz:Pop.

Annie:Six.

June:Squish.

Hunyak:Uh-Uh.

Velma:Cicero.

Mona:Lipschitz!

All:He had it comingHe had it comingHe only had himself to blame.If you'd have been thereIf you'd have seen it

Velma:I betcha you would have done the same!

Liz:Pop.

Annie:Six.

June:Squish.

Hunyak:Uh-Uh.

Velma:Cicero.

Mona:Lipschitz!

Liz: Girls:You know how people He had it cominghave these little habits that He had it coming

get you down. Like Bernie. He only had himself to blame.Bernie liked to chew gum.No, not chew. Pop. Well, I If you'd have been therecame home this one day and If you'd have seen itI am really irritated, and I betcha you would looking for a little sympathy Have done the same!and there's Bernie layin' on He had it comingthe couch, drinkin' a beer and He had it comingchewin'. No, not chewin'. He only had himself to blame.Popin'. So, I said to him, I If you'd have been theresaid, "Bernie, you pop that If you'd have seen itgum one more time..." I betcha you would And he did! Have done the same!

Liz:So I took the shotgun off the walland fired two warning shots......into his head.

All:He had it comingHe had it comingHe only had himself to blame.If you'd have been thereIf you'd have heard itI betcha you would Have done the same!

Liz: Girls:I met Ezekiel Young from He had it comingSalt Lake City about two years ago He had it comingand he told me he was single He only had himself and we hit it off right away. To blame.So, we started living together. If you'd have been thereHe'd go to work, he'd come work, I'd mix If you'd have seen itHim a drink, we'd have dinner. Well, it was I betcha you would like heaven in two and a half rooms. Have done the same!And then I found out, He had it coming"Single" he told me? He had it comingSingle, my ass. Not only was he married. He only had himself ...oh, no, he had six wives. To blame.One of those Mormons, If you'd have been thereyou know. So that night when If you'd have seen ithe came home. I mixed him I betcha you would his drink as usual. Have done the same!

Annie:You know, some guys just can't hold their arsenic!

Liz, Annie, June, Mona: Velma & Hunyak:Hah! He had it coming Pop, Six, Squish, Uh-Uh,He had it coming Cicero, Lipschitz!He took a flower In its primeAnd the he used it Pop, Six, Squish, Uh-Uh,And he abused it Cicero, Lipschitz! It was a murderBut not a crime!

June: Girls:Now, I'm standing in the kitchen Pop, Six, carvin' up the chicken for dinner, Squish, Uh-Uh,minding my own business, Cicero, Lipschitz!and in storms my husband Wilbur, Pop, Six, in a jealous rage. Squish, Uh-Uh,"You been screwin' the milkman," Cicero, Lipschitz!he says. He was crazy Pop, Six, and he kept on screamin' Squish, Uh-Uh,"You been screwin' the milkman," Cicero, Lipschitz!

June:And then he ran into my knife! He ran into my knife TEN TIMES!

All:If you'd have been thereIf you'd have seen itI betcha you would have done the same!

Hunyak:Mit keresek, enn itt? Azt mondjok, hogy lakem lefogta a ferjemet en meg lecsaptam a fejet. De nem igaz, en artatlan vagyok. Nem tudom mert mondja Uncle Sam hogy en tetten. Probaltam a rendorsegen megmagyarazni de nem ertettek meg...

June:Yeah, but did you do it?Hanyak:UH UH, not guilty!

Velma: Girls:My sister, Veronica, and I did this double act He had it comingand my husband, Charlie, used to travel He had it coming

round with us. Now for the last number in He only had our act, we did these 20 acrobatic tricks in a Himself row, one, two, three, four, five... To blame.Splits, spread eagles, back flips, flip flops, If you'd have been thereone right after the other. Well, this one night If you'd have seen itwe are in Cicero, the three of us, sittin' up I betcha in a hotel room, boozin' and havin' a few You would laughs and we ran out of ice, Have done so I went out to get some. The same!I come back, open the door He had And there's Veronica and It comingCharlie doing Number Seventeen He had -the spread eagle. It coming...

Velma:Well, I was in such a state of shock, I completely blacked out. I can't remember a thing. It wasn't until later, when I was washing the blood off my hands I even knew they were dead.

Girls:They had it comingThey had it comingThey had it coming all along.I didn't do itBut if I'd done itHow could you tell me that I was wrong?

Velma: Girls:They had it comingThey had it coming They had it comingThey had it comingThey had it comingThey took a flowerAll alongIn its primeI didn't do itAnd then they used itBut if I'd done itAnd they abused itHow could you tell meIt was a murderThat I was wrong? But not a crime!

Mona: Girls:I love Alvin Lipschitz He had it coming

More than I can possibly say. He had it comingHe was a real artistic guy... He only had Sensitive...a painter. Himself tBut he was troubled. To blame.He was always trying If you'd have been to find himself. ThereHe'd go out every night If you'd have seen itlooking for himself I betcha and along the way You would he found Ruth, Have done Gladys, The same!Rosemary and Irving.

Mona:I guess you can say we broke up because of artistic differences. He saw himself as alive and I saw him dead.

All:The dirty bum, bum, bum, bum, bumThe dirty bum, bum, bum, bum, bum

Liz, Annie, Mona: Velma, June, Hunyak:They had it comin'They had it comin'They had it comin'They had it comin'They had it comin'They had it comin'All alongAll along'Cause if they used us'Cause if they used usAnd they abused usAnd they abused usHow could you tell usHow could you tell usThat we were wrong? That we were wrong?

Velma, June, Hunyak:He had it comingHe had it comingHe only had Himself To blame.If you'd have been there

If you'd have seen itI betcha You would Have done The same!

Liz:You pop that gum one more time!

Annie:Single my ass.

June:Ten times!

Hunyak:Miert csukott Uncle Sam bortonbe.

Velma:Number Seventeen - the spread eagle.

Mona:Artistic differences.

All:I betcha you would have done the same!

ANNOUNCER:And now, Ladies and Gentlemen - the Keeper of the Keys, the Countess of the Clink, the Mistress of Murder's row - Matron "Mama" Morton!

5.WHEN YOU'RE GOOD TO MAMA

Matron:Ask any of the chickies in my penThey'll tell I'm the biggest mother henI love 'em all and all of them love meBecause the system worksThe system called reciprocity...

Got a little mottoAlways sees me throughWhen you're good to Mama

Mama's good to you!

There's a lot of favorsI'm prepared to doYou do one for MamaShe'll do one for you

They say that life is tit for tatAnd that's the way I liveSo, I deserve a lot of tatFor what I've got to giveDon't you know that this handWashes that one tooWhen you're good to MamaMama's good to you!

If you want my gravyPepper my ragoutSpice it up for MamaShe'll get hot for you

When they pass that basketFolks contribute toYou put in for MamaShe'll pull out for you

The folks atop the ladderAre the ones the world adoresSo boost me up my ladder, kidAnd I'll boost you up yours

Let's all stroke togetherLike the Princeton crewWhen you're strokin' MamaMama's strokin' you

So what's the one conclusionI can bring this number to?When you're good to MamaMama's good to you

ANNOUNCER:Ladies and Gentleman, presenting the Silver-Tongued Prince of the Courtroom - the one - the only Mr. Billy Flynn.

6.ALL I CARE ABOUT

Girls:We want BillyGive us BillyB. I. Double L. Y.We're all hisHe's our kind of a guyAnd ooh what luck'Cause here he is...

Billy:Is everybody here?Is everybody ready?Hit it!

I don't care about expensive thingsCashmere coats, diamond ringsDon't mean a thingAll I care about is love Girls:That's what I'm here for That's what he's here for

I don't care for wearing silk cravatsRuby studs, satin spatsDon't mean a thingAll I care about is love Girls:All he cares about is loveGive me twoEyes of blueSoftly saying, "I need you"Let me see her standin' thereAnd honest, mister, I'm a millionaire

I don't care for any fine attireVanderbilt might admireNo, no, not meAll I care about is love Girls:All he cares about is love

Billy:Maybe you think I'm talking about my physical love. Well, I'm not. Not just physical love. There's other kinds of love. Like love of justice. Love of legal procedure. Love of lending a hand to someone who really needs you. Love of your fellow man. That's the kind of love I'm talkin' about.And physical love ain't so bad either.

Billy:It may sound oddBut all I care about is love Girls:That's what I'm here for That's for he's here forHonest to GodAll I care about is love Girls:All he cares about is loveShow me long raven hairFlowin' down, about to threeLet me seeHer runnin' freeKeep your money, that's enough for meI don't care for drivin' Packard carsOr smoking long buck cigarsNo, no, not meAll I care about isDoin' the guy inWho's pickin', on youTwistin' the wristThat's turnin' the screwAll I care about is love Girls:

All he cares about is love

Billy:Now look, in a few minutes there'll be a whole bunch of photographers and reporters and that sob sister from the Evening Star is coming.(a coloratura trill is heard off stage)

Billy:I don't figure we'll have any trouble with her. (another trill)Billy:She'll swallow hook, line and sinker.(and another)Her name is Mary Sunshine.

7.A LITTLE BIT OF GOOD

Mary Sunshine:When I was a tiny tot Of maybe two or threeI can still remember what

My mother said to me...

Place rose colored glasses on your noseAnd you will see the robinsNot the crows

For in the tense and tangled webOur weary lives can weaveYou're so much better offIf you believe...

That there's a little bit of goodIn everyoneIn everyone you'll ever know

Yes, there's a little bit of goodIn everyoneThough many times, it doesn't show

It only takes a taking time With one anotherFor under every mean veneerIs someone warm and dear Keep looking...

For that bit of good in everyoneThe ones you call badAre never all badSo try to find that little bit of good

Just a little, little bit of good

Is someone warm and dearKeep looking...

For that little good in everyoneAlthough you meet ratsThey're not complete ratsSo try to find that little bit of good!

Matron:Mr. Flynn, the reporters are here.Billy:Let 'em in, Butch. Okay, Roxie, act like a dummy; you sit on my lap and do all the talking.

Matron:Mr. Billy Flynn sings the "Press Conference Rag" - notice how his mouth never moves - almost.

8.WE BOTH REACHED FOR THE GUN

Reporters:Where'd you come from?

Billy (as Roxie):Mississippi

Reporters:And your parents?

Billy (as Roxie):Very wealthy.

Reporters:Where are they now?

Billy (as Roxie):Six feet under.

Billy:But she was granted one more start

Billy (as Roxie):The convent of the sacred heart!

Reporters:When'd you get there?

Billy (as Roxie):1920

Reporters:How old were you?

Billy (as Roxie):Don't remember

Reporters:Then what happened?

Billy (as Roxie):I met AmosAnd he stole my hear awayConvinced me to elope one day

Mary Sunshine:A convent girl! A run-away marriage! Oh, it's too terrible. You poor, poor dear.

Reporters:Who's Fred Casely?

Billy (as Roxie):My ex-boy friend.

Reporters:Why'd you shoot him.

Billy (as Roxie):I was leavin'.

Reporters:Was he angry?

Billy (as Roxie):Like a madman!Still I said, "Fred, move along."

Billy:She knew that she was doin' wrong

Reporters:Then describe it

Billy (as Roxie):He came toward me.

Reporters:With a pistol?

Billy (as Roxie):From my bureau

Reporters:Did you fight him?

Billy (as Roxie):Like a tiger

Billy:He had strength and she had none

Billy (as Roxie):And yet we both reached for the gunOh yes, oh yes, oh yes we bothOh yes, we bothOh yes, we both reached for The gun, the gun, the gun, the gunOh yes, we both reached for the gunFor the gun.

Billy and Reporters:Oh yes, oh yes, oh yes they bothOh yes, they bothOh yes, they both reached for The gun, the gun, the gun, the gunOh yes, they both reached for the gunFor the gun.

Billy:Understandable, understandableYes, it's perfectly understandableComprehensible, comprehensibleNot a bit reprehensibleIt's so defensible!

Reporters:How you're feeling?

Billy (as Roxie):Very frightened

Reporters:Are you sorry?

Roxie:Are you kidding?

Reporters:What's your statement?

Billy (as Roxie):

All I'd say isThough my choo-choo jumped my trackI'd give my life to bring him back

Reporters:And?

Billy (as Roxie):Stay away from

Reporters:What?

Billy (as Roxie):Jazz and liquor

Reporters:And?

Billy (as Roxie):And the man who

Reporters:What?

Billy (as Roxie):Play for fun

Reporters:And what?

Billy (as Roxie):That's the thought that

Reporters:Yeah!

Billy (as Roxie):Came upon me

Reporters:When?

Billy (as Roxie):When we both reached for the gun!

Mary Sunshine:Understandable, understandable

Billy and Mary Sunshine:Yes, it's perfectly understandableComprehensible, comprehensibleNot a bit reprehensibleIt's so defensible!

Billy: Reporters:Let me Oh yes, oh yes, oh yes they bothHear it! Oh yes, they bothOh yes, they both reached for The gun, the gun, the gun, The gunOh yes, they both reached For the gunA little louder! For the gun.Oh yes, oh yes, oh yes they bothOh yes, they bothOh yes, they both reached For the gun, the gun, Now you got it! The gun, the gunOh yes, they both reached For the gunFor the gun.

Billy and reporters:Oh yes, oh yes, oh yes they bothOh yes, they bothOh yes, they both reached for The gun, the gun, the gun, the gunOh yes, they both reached for the gun.

Oh yes, oh yes, oh yes they bothOh yes, they bothOh yes, they both reached for The gun, the gun, the gun, the gun,The gun, the gun, the gun, the gun,The gun, the gun, the gun, the gun,The gun, the gun, the gun, the gun.

Billy:Both reached for the...gun

Reporters:

The gun, the gun, the gun, the gun The gun, the gun, the gun, the gunThe gun, the gun, the gun, the gunThe gun, the gun, the gun, the gunBoth reached for the gun.

First Reporter:"Stop The Presses!"

Second Reporter:"'We Both Reached For The Gun,' Says Roxie!"

Third Reporter:"Dancing Feet Lead To Sorrow, Says Beautiful Jazz Slayer!"

Fifth Reporter:"Jazz And Liquor, Roxie's Downfall!"

9.ROXIE

Roxie:The name on everybody's lipsIs gonna be RoxieThe lady rakin' in the chipsIs gonna be Roxie

I'm gonna be a celebrityThat means somebody everyone knowsThey're gonna recognize my eyesMy hair, my teeth, my boobs, my nose

From just some dumb mechanic's wifeI'm gonna be RoxieWho says that murder's not an art?

And who in case she doesn't hangCan say she started with a bang?Foxy Roxie Hart!

Roxie:You wanna know something? I always wanted to be in vaudeville. And now that I'm a celebrity, I'm gonna have me a swell act, too. Yeah, I'll get a boy to work with - someone who can lift me up, show me off - Oh, hell, I'll get two boys. It'll frame me better. Think "Big," Roxie, think "Big." I'm gonna get me

a whole bunch of boys.

The name on everybody's lipsIs gonna be

Boys:Roxie

Roxie:The lady rakin' in the chips is gonna be

Boys:RoxieShe's gonna be a celebrity

Roxie:That means somebody everyone knows

Boys:They're gonna recognize her eyesHer hair, her teeth...

Roxie:...my boobs, my noseOoh, ah ah ahFrom just some dumb mechanic's wifeI'm gonna beSing it!

Boys:Roxie

Roxie:Who says that murder's not an art?

Boys:And who in case she doesn't hang

Roxie:Can say she started with a bang?

Boys:Foxy Roxie Hart!

Boys:They're gonna wait outside in line

To get to see Roxie

Roxie:Think of those autographs I'll sign"Good luck to you, Roxie"And I'll appear in a lavaliereThat goes all the way down to my waist

Boys:Here a ring, there a ringEverywhere a ring a ling

Roxie:But always the best of tasteOooh, I'm a star.

Boys;And the audience loves her.

Roxie:And I love the audience. And the audience loves me for loving them. And I love the audience for loving me. And we just love each other. That's because none of us got enough love in our childhood.

Boys:That's right.

Roxie:And that's show biz, kid.

Boys:Oh, yeah.She's giving up her humdrum life

Roxie:I'm gonna be

Boys:Roxie.She made a scandal and a start.

Roxie:And Sophie Tucker will shit, I knowTo see her name get billed below

All:Foxy Roxie Hart

Boys:Chuh, chuh, chuh, etc...

Roxie:Oooh ah ah ah ah ah ah(As boys exit)Those are my boys.

ANNOUNCER:Ladies and Gentlemen, Miss Velma Kelly in an act of desperation.

10.I CAN'T DO IT ALONE

Velma:My sister and I had an act that couldn't flopMy sister and I were headed straight for the topMy sister and I eared a thou a week at least(Oh, sure)But my sister is now, unfortunately, deceased

Oh, I know, it's sad, of course,But a fact is still a factAnd now all that remainsIs the remainsOf a perfect double act!

Roxie, do you know you are exactly the same size as my sister? Oh, you would fit in her wardrobe perfectly. Look, why don't I just show you some of the act, huh?Watch this.(She dances)Now, you have to imagine this with two people.It's swell with two people.

First I'd....(Drums!)Then she'd...(Saxophone!)Then we'd...(Together!)But I can't do it alone!Then she'd...Then I'd...Then we'd...But I can't do it alone!

She'd say, "What's your sister like?"I'd say, "MEN,"Yuk, yuk, yukShe'd say, "you're the cat's meow"Then we'd wowThe crowd againWhen she'd go...I'd go...We'd go...

And then those ding-dong daddies started to roarWhistled, stomped, and stamped on the floorYelling, screaming, begging for more.

And we'd say, "O.K. fellas, keep your socks up. You ain't seen nothing yet!"

(She dances.)Ah, aha, yeah!But I simply cannot do it alone.

Well? What did ya think? Come on, you can say.(Roxie gives her raspberry.)

Velma:O.K. O.K. The first part can always be rewritten. But the second part was really nifty. Watch this!

Then she'd...(See, get it, right?)Then I'd...(Then I kick really high...)Then we'd...But I can't do it alone!She'd say, "What state's Chicago in?"I'd say, "ILL!"Did ya get that?She'd say, "turn your motor off!"I can hear 'em cheerin' stillWhen she'd go...I'd go...We'd go...(Sideways!)And then those two-bit Johnnies did it up browTo cheer the best attraction in townThey really tore the balcony down

And we'd say, "O.K. fellas, O.K., we're goin' home, but

here's a few more partin' shots!" And this...this we did in perfect unison.(She dances.)Cymbals crash crash crashNow, you've seen me goin' through itYou can see there's nothin' to itBut I simply cannot do itAlone!

(Roxie turns her down.)

11.I CAN'T DO IT ALONE (Reprise)

Velma:Like the deserted bride on her wedding nightAll alone and shaking with frightWith her brand new hubby nowhere in sight...I simply cannot do it alone...

Roxie:There's only one person who can help you now, Roxie!

Velma:There only one person you can count on now, Velma!

ANNOUNCER:And now, Miss Roxie Hart and Miss Velma Kelly sing a song of unrelenting determination and unmitigated ego.

12.MY OWN BEST FRIEND

Roxie:One thing I know

Velma:One thing I know

Roxie:And I've always known

Velma:And I've always known

Roxie:I am my own

Velma:I am my own

Roxie & Velma:Best friend

Roxie:Baby's alive

Velma:Baby's alive

Roxie:But baby's alone

Velma:But baby's alone

Roxie:And baby's her own

Velma:And baby's her own

Roxie & Velma:Best friendMany's the guyWho told me he caresBut they were scratchin' my back'Cause I was scratchin' theirs

Roxie:And trusting to luck

Velma:And trusting to luck

Roxie:That's only for fools

Velma:Only for fools

Roxie:I play in a game

Velma:I play in a game

Roxie & Velma:Where I make the rulesAnd rule number oneFrom here to the endIs 'I am my own best friend'

Three musketeesWho never say dieAre standing here this minute

Velma:Me

Roxie:Me

Velma:Myself

Roxie:Myself

Velma:And I!

Roxie:And I!

Velma & Roxie:If life is a schoolI'll pass every testIf life is a gameI'll play it the best'Cause I won't give inand I'll never bendand I am my own best friend!

13.ENTR'ACTE

ACT TWO

Velma:Hello suckers, welcome back. Roxie's in there being lookedover by the State Medical Examiner. She says she's gonna have a baby. Now why didn't I think of that?

14.I KNOW A GIRL

Velma:Can you imagine?I mean can you imagine?Do you believe it?I mean, do you believe it?

I know a girlA girl who lands on topYou could put her faceInto a pail of slopAnd she'd come up smelling like a roseHow she does it, heaven knows.

Reporter:Hold on, everybody, she's comin' out now. (Roxie enters, followed by a very happy Doctor.)Well, Doctor, is she or isn't she?

Velma:She is.

Doctor:She is!

Velma:I know a girlA girl with so much luckShe could get run over by a two-ton truckThen brush herself off and walk awayHow she does it, I couldn't say

Billy:So, Doc, would you swear to that statement in court?

Doctor:Oh, yeah.

Billy:Good...you wanna button your fly?

Velma:Whilst I on the other handPut my face in a pail of slopAnd I would smell like a pail of slopI, on the other handGet run over by a truckAnd I am deader than a duck

I know a girl who tells so many liesAnything that's true would truly cross her eyesBut what that mouse is sellingThat whole world buysAnd nobody smells a rat.

Roxie:Oh, please Ladies and Gentlemen of the press - leave the two of us alone so that we can rest.

Velma:The two of us?Can you imagine?I mean, can you imagine?

Reporter:Can I have one last picture, please?

Roxie:Oh, sure, anything for the press.

Velma:Do you believe it?I mean, do you believe it?

Roxie:My dear little baby

Velma:"My dear little baby."

Roxie:My sweet little baby

Velma:"My sweet little..."

Roxie:Look at my baby and me!

15.ME AND MY BABY

Roxie:Me and my babyMy baby and meWe're 'bout as happyAs babies can beWhat if I findThat I'm caught in a storm?I don't careMy baby's thereAnd baby's bound to keep me warmWe're sticking togetherAnd ain't we got funSo much togetherYou'd count us as oneTell old man, worry, to go climb a tree'Cause I've got my babyMy sweet little babyLook at my baby and me

Mary Sunshine:I don't see how you could possibly delay the trial another second, Mr. Flynn. My readers wouldn't stand for it. The poor child! To have her baby born in a jail!

Billy:I can assure you she'll come to trial at the earliest possible moment. And you can quote me on that.

Amos:Hey, everybody. I'm the father! I'm the father!

All:Yuk! Yuk! Yuk! Yuk!

Roxie:Looka my babyMy baby and me

A dream of a duoNow, don't you agree?Why keep it mumWhen there's nothing to hide?And what I feelI must revealIs more than I can keep insideLet me assure youIt won't go awayI can assure youIt grows every dayI was a one onceBut now I'm a "we"'Cause I got my babyMy dear little babyLook at my baby and me

Matron:I think it's sweet. First time we ever had one of our girls knocked up.

Billy:I've got it and it's brilliant. I'm gonna get Amos to divorce you. That way all the sympathy will go to you - not him. You'll be the poor, little deserted mother-to-be and that crumb is running out on you.

Amos:That's my kid! That's my kid!

Roxie and Boys:Looka my babyMy baby and meFacing the world OptimisticallyNothing can stop usSo nobody try'Cause baby's roughAnd full of stuffAnd incidentally, so am I!(Baby dance break.)Get out of our way, folksAnd give us some roomWatch how we bubbleAnd blossom and bloomLife was a prisonBut we got the key

Me and my babyMy dear little babyMy cute little baby My sweet little babyMy fat little babyMy soft little babyMy pink little baby My bald little babyLooka, my baby and me

Amos:I'm the father! Papa! Dada! Did you hear me? Did you? No, you didn't hear me. That's the story of my life. Nobody ever knows I'm around. Nobody. Not even my parents noticed me. One day I went to school and when I came home, they moved.

16.MISTER CELLOPHANE

Amos:If someone stood up in a crowdAnd raised his voice up way out loudAnd waved his arm and shook his legYou'd notice him

If someone in the movie showYelled "Fire in the second rowThis whole place is a powder keg!"You'd notice him

And even without clucking like a henEveryone gets noticed, now and then,Unless, of course, that personage should beInvisible, inconsequential me!

CellophaneMister CellophaneShoulda been my nameMister Cellophane'Cause you can look right through meWalk right by meAnd never know I'm there...

I tell yaCellophane

Mister CellophaneShoulda been my nameMister Cellophane'Cause you can look right through meWalk right by meAnd never know I'm there...

Suppose you was a little catResidin' in a person's flatWho fed you fish and scratched your ears?You'd notice him

Suppose you was a woman, wedAnd sleepin' in a double bedBeside one man, for seven yearsYou'd notice him

A human being's made of more than airWith all that bulk, you're bound to see him thereUnless that human bein' next to youIs unimpressive, undistinguishedYou know who...

CellophaneMister CellophaneShoulda been my nameMister Cellophane'Cause you can look right through meWalk right by meAnd never know I'm there...I tell yaCellophaneMister CellophaneShoulda been my nameMister Cellophane'Cause you can look right through meWalk right by meAnd never know I'm thereNever even know I'm there.

Hope I didn't take up too much of your time.

17.WHEN VELMA TAKES THE STAND

Velma:

Billy, I been thinkin' a lot about my trial. Couldn't I just show you what I thought I might do on the witness stand?

Billy:Go ahead.

Velma:Good! Hit it!Well then, when I got on the stand I thought I'd take a peek at the jury. Then I'd cross my legs like this, you know.

Quartette:When Velma takes the stand

Velma:Then, when Harrison cross examines me, I thought I'd give 'em this...and then if he yells at me I thought I'd tremble like this..."ooh, no, please stop!"

Quartette:When Velma takes the standLook at little VelSee her give 'em hellWhen she turns it onAin't she doin' grand?She's got 'em eating out of the palm of her hand!

Velma:Then, I thought I'd let it all be too much for me, like real dramatic. Then, I thought I'd get thirsty and say, "Please, someone, could I have a glass of water?"

Quartette::When Velma takes the standSee that Kelly girlMake that jury whirlWhen she turns it onShe's gonna get 'em goin''Till she's got 'em gone

Velma:Ah! Ah! Ah! Then, I thought I'd cry. Buckets. Only I don't have handkerchief - that's when I have to ask you for yours! I really like that part. Don't you? Then, I get up and try towalk; oh, but I'm too weak, and I slump and I slump and I slump and I slump until finally, I faint!

Quartette:When she rolls her eyesWatch her take the prizeWhen Velma takes the stand!When Velma takes the stand!

18.RAZZLE DAZZLE

Bailiff:Mr. Flynn, his honor is here

Billy:Thank you. Just a moment. You ready?

Roxie:Oh Billy, I'm so scared!

Billy:Roxie. You got nothing to worry about. It's all a circus, kid. A three ring circus. These trial - the whole world - all show business. But kid, you're working with a star, the biggest!

Give 'em the old razzle dazzleRazzle dazzle 'emGive 'em act with lots of flash in itAnd the reaction will be passionateGive 'em the old hocus pocusBread and feather 'emHow can they see with sequins in their eyes?

What if your hinges all are rusting?What if, in fact, you're just disgusting ?

Razzle dazzle 'emAnd they'll never catch wise!Eh Eh Eh Eh Ah! Ah! Ah!Give 'em the old razzle dazzle

Billy and Company:Razzle dazzle 'emGive 'em a show that's so splendiferous

Billy:Row after row will grow vociferous

Billy and Company:Give 'em the old flim flam flummoxFool and fracture 'em

Billy:How can they hear the truth above the roar?

Billy and Company:Throw 'em a fake and a finagle They'll never know you're just a bagel,

Billy:Razzle dazzle 'emAnd they'll beg you for more!

Billy and Company:Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah!Give 'em the old razzle dazzleRazzle dazzle 'emBack since the days of old MethuselahEveryone loves the big bambooz-a-ler

Give 'em the old three ring circusStun and stagger 'emWhen you're in trouble, go into your danceThough you are stiffer than a girderThey let ya get away with a murderRazzle dazzle 'emAnd you've got a romance

Give 'em the old Razzle dazzle

Billy:Razzle dazzle 'emGive 'em an act that's unassailableThey'll wait a year 'til your available!

Billy and Company:Give 'em the oldDouble whammy

Billy:

Daze and dizzy 'emShow 'em the first rate sorcerer you are

Billy and Company:Long as you keep 'em way off balanceHow can they spot you got no talents?

Billy:Razzle dazzle 'em

Company:Razzle dazzle 'em

Billy:Razzle dazzle 'em

Billy and Company:And they'll make you a star!

19.CLASS

Matron:The whole world's gone low-brow. Things ain't what they used to be.

Velma:They sure ain't, Mama. They sure ain't. It's all gone.

Whatever happened to fair dealing?And pure ethicsAnd nice manners?Why is it everyone now is a pain in the ass?Whatever happened to class?

Matron:Class.Whatever happened to, "Please, may I?"And "Yes, thank you?"And "How charming?"Now, every son of a bitch is a snake in the grassWhatever happened to class?

Velma and Matron:Class!Ah, there ain't no gentlemenTo open up the doors

There ain't no ladies now,There's only pigs and whoresAnd even kids'll knock ya downSo's they can passNobody's got no class!

Velma:Whatever happened to old values?

Matron:And fine morals?

Velma:And good breeding?

MatronNow, no one even says "oops" when they'rePassing their gasWhatever happened to class?

Velma:Class

Velma and Matron:Ah, there ain't no gentlemenThat's fit for any useAnd any girl'd touch your privatesFor a deuce

Matron:And even kids'll kick your shins and give you sass

Velma:And even kids'll kick your shins and give you sass

Velma and Matron:Nobody's got no class!

Velma:All you read about today is rape and theft

Matron:Jesus Christ, ain't there no decency left?

Velma and Matron:Nobody's got no class

Matron:Everybody you watch

Velma:'S got his brains in his crotch

Matron:Holy crap

Velma:Holy crap

Matron:What a shame

Velma:What a shame

Velma and Matron:What became of class?

20.NOWADAYS

Roxie:...gone, it's all gone.

It's good, isn't it?Grand, isn't it?Great, isn't it?Swell, isn't it?Fun, isn't it?Nowadays

There's man, everywhereJazz, everywhereBooze, everywhereLife, everywhereJoy, everywhereNowadays

You can like the life you're livingYou can live the life you likeYou can even marry HarryBut mess around with Ike

And that's

Good, isn't it?Grand, isn't it?Great, isn't it?Swell, isn't it?Fun, isn't it...

ANNOUNCER:Ladies and Gentlemen, the Vickers Theater, Chicago's finest home of family and entertainment, is proud to announce a first. The first time, anywhere, there has been an act of this nature. Not only one little lady, but two! You've read about them in the papers and now here they are - a double header! Chicago's own killer dillers - those two scintillating sinners - Roxie Hart and Velma Kelly!

Roxie and Velma:You can like the life you're livingYou can live the life you likeYou can even marry HarryBut mess around with IkeAnd that'sGood, isn't it?Grand, isn't it?Great, isn't it?Swell, isn't it?Fun, isn't it?But nothing stays

In fifty years or soIt's gonna change, you knowBut, oh, it's heavenNowadays

And that'sGood, isn't it?Grand, isn't it?Great, isn't it?Swell, isn't it?Fun, isn't it?But nothing stays

In fifty years or soIt's gonna change, you knowBut, oh, it's heaven

Nowadays

ANNOUNCEROkay, you babes of jazz. Let's pick up the pace. Let's shake the blues away. Let's make the parties longer. Let's make the skirts shorter and shorter. Let's make the music hotter. Let's all go to hell in a fast car and KEEP IT HOT!

(Roxie and Velma dance the...)

21.HOT HONEY RAG (Instrumental)

22.FINALE

Velma:Thank you. Roxie and I would just like to thank you - for you faith and your belief in our innocence.

Roxie:Yes, it was letters, telegrams, and words of encouragement that helped see us through this terrible ordeal of ours.

Velma:You know, a lot of people has lost faith in America.

Roxie:And for what America stands for.

Velma:But we are the living examples of what a wonderful country this is.

Roxie:So we'd just like to say thank you and God Bless you.

Velma and Roxie:God bless you.Thank you and God bless you... Chorus:God be with you. No,God walk with you always. I'm no one's wifeGod bless you. But, oh,God bless you. I love my life...

Velma, Roxie et al.:And all that jazz

Company:THAT JAZZ!