JACK AND GILL IN 2008

COMPOSED BY DAVE HAMBIDGE

PART FIFTEEN

THE WEDDING DAY

Gill hit Jack on his back and laughed like a witch on heat.Her period was late, she felt beat; her bosom was sore and so were her feet.Jack roared in pain,So Gill hit him again!He had obtained the condom that splitWhilst they were going hard at it.If Gill was banged upJack would win no cup!

With their wedding dayNot so very far away

Gill did not want her special dressTo look like a right dog’s dinner mess.

Pushed out of shape and fitBy pregnancy enlarged tit.

Conceiving a child could happen soonBut not until the honeymoon.

Jack drove off to his workFeeling grumpy and a bit of a jerk.

Yes, he bought the Johnny that splitIt was the only way of getting it!

He knew that Gill was feeling stressAmd not just about the wedding dress.

Getting married was much desiredBut all the bollocks that required!

Bridesmaids and pew flowers, music and car parkingBoth sets of in-laws just kept on asking.

A simple ceremony would suit Jack and GillBut that was against her family will.

She pestered and worried, what to do?No wonder her cycle was overdue!

That day at the shop Gill finally decidedThe day was for them and no bugger else!

After a supper of chicken and chipsGill gave Jack a kiss on the lips.

“Sorry I screamed, and I’m not up the duff.Now, our wedding, I don’t give a stuff

For all the theatrical and fancy dress guff.Just you and me and maybe two friends?

That’s all the matters in the end.So, relax and don’t go off round the bend.

“Me, Gill, I’m really quite calmI had a large whisky as a balmBefore coming home tonightJust in case, well, you might?”“You naughty boy, without me!Now, come and sit on my knee.There now, what to doTo extract ourselves from this goo?”

The couple cuddled on the sofaUntil Splodge demanded to go forHis nightly visit to the bog.Finding en route a small tree logWhich he placed on the floorJust inside the back door.“Well, that’s it!” cried Gill“A woody bower at the Top of The Hill!”

“Gill, please explain?” asked a puzzled JackSliding his hand down her crack.“Keep your cold mitts on your weenie!Ok, we build a shelter with greeneryThat allows us to view the hilltop sceneryThe nice lady vicar from the deaneryWill be delighted to doIf I ask her nicely so.”

“That sounds very fine to me!But, try as I might, I cannot see

Helene and Sue agreeing to that.They want the works, with a new hat.”“The mothers still can, if they require

But I am now fixed in my desire!A simple ceremony, for you and me

Up the Hill and under a tree.”

Gill shared the news with her sister DeniseWho thought the plan was a jolly wheeze.

Jack wrote a quick note to Sue and BertWell aware of causing his mother hurt.

But, to his surprise and joyHis parents fully agreed with this ploy!The prickly pair was Helene and Doug

As she never liked looking a mug.

So Jack and Gill arranged to meetWith her folk, the vicar to greetAnd settle all the agro and grief.Reverend Bill, to general reliefBedazzled them all!Indeed was invited to callAgain if she was passing by.Now the plans could really fly. (NB Bill is short for Billie, as in the female tennis star. You’re not that old, then be learned.)

Jack and Lou fashioned a large porchTo support the branches and a beacon torch

For Gill to light and show the worldThat Jack her broken heart had cured.The erection needed four men to lift

Onto a tractor to give it a liftTo the lee-side at the hill top

Where Gill and Lil were waiting with pop.(As in fizzy British beer, or lager, or cider; slang for any inebriating liquid.)

All of the wedding guests agreedNot to dress up as all they would need

Was warm coats and wellies.Because, on your Nellie,

The October weather would be so chillyTo shrivel up any incautious males’ willy!

Ladies attending could change into a gownWhen everyone went back to the Half a Crown.

AND SO, AT VERY LONG LAST

Jack and Gill went up the hillTo profess their vows to Reverend Bill.

They promised to love and hold and cherishEven when old with skins full of blemish.

Gill ignited the fire, in more ways than one.Her tight fitting dress displaying her nice tight bun!

Everyone cheered; nearly heard in Amroth,Then they all scuttled down to the pub in T’Both.

WHERE THEY ALL LIVED HAPPILY THEREAFTER. THE END.