Chapter 12

Getting Too Close for Comfort

Privacy and Secrets in Relationships

Activate your Brain

Value question: Should there ever be secrets in a close

relationship? Why or why not?

Do you keep secrets from your parents? From your partner? Friends?

Why or why not?

Communication Privacy Management Theory (Petronio)

Individuals maintain privacy by setting up boundary structures to control the risks inherent in disclosing private information.

Boundary structures are based on two elements: Ownership: who has the right to control the information

You will be upset if information that is private to you (your behavior Saturday night), is discussed at the lunch table!

Permeability: Measures how freely people allow others to share information they disclosed about themselves.

Everyone? Only recipient? Permeable Impermeable (sharing filter is thin) (disclose but not to be shared)

Rules for Managing Information within Privacy Boundaries (3 Principles)

1. Rules for communication boundary management influenced by: culture (Asian health information?)

Health information goes to the family and they decide whether or not to tell patient

personality: some tell it all others not at all! the relationship: friend vs. coworker sex: who discloses more? Women! motivations: making a friend or accomplishing a

task

2. Successful boundary management requires cooperation between people and within groups.

-Boundary insiders: those we involve in our secrets thus we coordinate our boundary structures and rules with them.

What happens when someone doesn’t follow your boundary rule? Are there penalties?

3. Co-owners of information sometimes experience boundary turbulence: fortification of boundaries renegotiation of boundaries

Rules for Managing Information, cont.

Essentially the central feature of CPM is its recognition that we cherish our rights to privacy and our ability to control information.

Your book raised some interesting questions. Heads down thumbs up if you’re romantic partner has the right to know your:

1. Past dating partners2. Past sexual experiences and partners3. Financial statusHeads down thumbs up if you have the right to know about your

parents:1. Quality of their relationship2. What they did in college3. Their health

Rules for Managing Information, cont.

College student—parents privacy 96% of college students (1990) could describe at least

3 privacy violations by parents Examples:

Asking personal questions Giving unsolicited advice Making unsolicited remarks about the student’s life Opening student’s mail Going through student’s belongings

So children either used confrontation or evasion, in which they changed the behavior to protect privacy without telling their parents.

PRIVACY VIOLATION IN TODAY'S ERA

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yu4zMvE6FH4- to :59

Responses to Privacy Violations

(1) Verbal assertion: communicating in a direct and cooperative manner

asking the invader to respect one’s privacy in the future

(2) Passive Aggression or Retaliation: making the person feel guilty getting revenge by violating their privacy

3) Tempered Tolerance: outwardly accepting the privacy violation

grin and bear it acting like the incident never happened

4) Boundary Restructuration: adjusting public boundaries to prevent future privacy violations

putting a lock on a drawer going into another room when talking on the

phone Sometimes efforts to establish privacy is

interpreted as distancing

Responses, cont.

So what happens when people continue to invade someone’s privacy even when the other person clearly wants to be left alone?

Obsessive Relational Intrusion (ORI) by Cupach! And Spitzberg

ORI occurs when someone uses intrusive tactics to try to get closer to someone else.

Common ORI situations involve unrequited love between: Mere acquaintances Former relational partners Only one person wanting a friendship to turn

romantic

Common forms: calling and arguing, calling and hanging up, repeatedly asking for another chance, watching from a distance, making exaggerated claims of affection

Severe forms: invading one’s home, damagingproperty, causing physical harmBecomes stalking

Examples of ORI behaviors

Relational Goal Pursuit Theory: Premises(reasons people use ORI behavior) People expend energy to develop or re-initiate

relationships to the extent that they perceive a relationship is desirable and attainable.

When a relationship is perceived to be unattainable, people abandon their original goal and seek an alternative. When is a relationship unattainable?

ORI is most likely when people continue to believe a relationship is attainable even though it is not.

Reasons for Continued Pursuit

According to Relational Goal Pursuit Theory, people continue pursuit behaviors because of:

cultural scripts (“hard-to-get” or “true love wins”) ambiguity of communication (especially when trying

to not hurt the pursuer rumination-what is this? a shift in motivation

From pursuit to revenge

Responses to ORI (book calls them consequences)

Passive: waiting for the pursuer to lose interest or give up Avoidant: not answering phone calls, avoiding pursuer Aggressive: being mean or rude, threatening harm if she or he

doesn’t leave you alone Integrative: communicating disinterest directly, negotiating

relationship rules and boundaries (greatest likelihood of success)

Help Seeking: asking others for assistance in preventing ORI behavior

Can you think of any other response that your book didn’t mention?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vRrkUy9KJ48

More recent approaches

Cyber stalking (Facebook, for example) SNUPE-ing = Social Network’s Use for Prying

Electronically Thinking questions are below, as we have

discussed this already: When does keeping informed about someone

become stalking? When it is simply a way to maintain network

relationships?

Proactive (rather than reactive) Way to Maintain Privacy: Topic Avoidance

Romantic Relationships Relationship Issues Negative Experiences/Failures Romantic Relationship

Experiences Sexual Experiences Friendships Dangerous Behaviors

(drinking, drugs) May just avoid topics that

each other is already aware of!

Parents & Children Everyday Activities Other Family Members Money Deep Conversations Drinking/drugs Religion

Motivations (or reasons) for Topic Avoidance (Box 12.4)

Relationship-Based: (romantic, friends, family)Relationship ProtectionRelationship De-escalation/Destruction

Individual-Based:Identity ManagementPrivacy Maintenance

Information-Based:Partner Unresponsiveness (esp. men)Futility of DiscussionCommunication Inefficacy (not sure how to say it)

How People Avoid Topics

Strategies range along dimensions of directness and politeness. (examples?)

High Polite Low Polite

High Direct

Low Direct

When do We Use Topic Avoidance?

In romantic relationships: during the casual to committed relationship transition

Increased uncertainty at this time thus your afraid some topics may turn them off etc.

during family transitions In parent-child relationships:

during mid-adolescence when children feel caught in the middle of divorced parents

In cross-sex friendships: when one person wants the relationship to be romantic and

the other does not

Consequences of Topic Avoidance Standards of Openness Hypothesis

We associate openness with a healthy relationship

Perception that partner is avoiding topics is associated with lower relationship satisfaction

Especially true for women

Secrets Secrets are the intentional concealment of

information Types of Family Secrets (Metts add)

Whole Family Secrets Intrafamily Secrets (e.g., mom & daughter, brothers) Individual Secrets

Relatively Common Family Secrets: financial issues (#1) substance abuse premarital pregnancy

Consequences of Keeping Secrets Why is it Hard to Keep a Secret?

Hyperaccessibility: Don’t think about dancing elephants! Sometimes telling ourselves not to think about something backfires and its all we can think about

Rebound effect: Trying to suppress the thought or secret can only last so long, the moment we face that secret it reminds us of what we did making it difficult to keep the secret.

The fever model of self-disclosure: the more we stew and think about a secret, the more likely we are to reveal it.

Can anyone think of a movie or show in which this takes place?

Positive ConsequencesStress relief due to not having to talk about

certain issues with othersDisclosing the secret frees the secret keeper

from having to suppress itWithout disclosing a secret, secret keeping

cannot work toward a resolution of issues underlying the secret.

Negative Consequences You the discloser get shunned You reveal a secret and it erodes the personal

boundaries being tightly held by the secret keeper If you secret is within a group and someone tells

another outsider, this is seen as an act of betrayal

Revealing Secrets Why do people eventually reveal a secret?

to achieve catharsis to clarify interpretation of events to get validation from other that they are still a good

person to make the relationship closer to control others

Some consequences will be positive and some negative. Depends on the nature of the secret and the consequences of revealing it.

A Model for Revealing Secrets

When should we reveal a secret?

No-keep secretIs the secret troubling?(Rumination, anxiety,depression, ulcers)

Yes—Is an appropriate confidant available (discreet, non-judgmental, able to help)

Yes—reveal secret

No—keep secret