Bianca Villani Program Director

Community Education and Outreach Rape Crisis Center of Central New Mexico

CAN I…? It begins with consent.

Consent is Like Good Customer Service

Do I have any volunteers?

What is your favorite restaurant or place to eat?

What makes this a place you continue going back to?

How is the service there? Do they meet all your needs?

Le Consent Café Menu: What do you have to offer? What are the specials? Can I substitute anything? Can I change my order?

Whatever we agree upon and what make us feel comfortable

Here’s what I can do, what do you like?

Of course! That’s our specialty.

Absolutely. You always have the right to change your mind.

Today’s Agenda

Objectives:

1. Identify why young people may not ask for consent

2. Explore how to discuss and share information about

consent

3. Implement strategies to create a consent culture

amongst students and staff

Defining Consent Let’s take a moment to share words or thoughts that

represent the word “consent.”

Rape Crisis Center of Central New Mexico: Our Definition of Consent

Consent is a voluntary and conscious agreement to engage

in a specific sexual act (e.g. flirting, kissing, touching, hugging and any sexual

activity).

Let’s Unpack That! Group Activity:

• Let’s get two tables to draw from a bowl which contains different audience types.

• As a group you will discuss how you would answer this question for that specific audience.

“What is consent?”

Here’s Why We Need Consent:

Everyone has power over their own body and the right to feel safe (from babies to the elderly).

It creates healthy spaces/communities and allows people to reach their full potential.

Historically, people have had the right over their bodies and voices taken from them, and we never want this repeated.

It’s morally correct. We have to change the conversation from “What is illegal or going to get me in trouble?” To, “Is this wrong or right? How will I make this person feel?” Taking ownership and acknowledging responsibility.

The Importance of Consent

Importance of Consent Continued

Consent is Not a “Value” It’s a Fact!

Whatever the individuals values are about sex or sexual activities, consent is not an “opt out” situation, it is the line between rape and sexual violence.

The Age of Consent Here’s an easy chart to understand it!

Ages of Consent for the State of New Mexico

Your Age Allowed Age of Sexual Partner

13 13, 14, 15, 16

14 13, 14, 15, 16, 17

15 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18

16 13, 14, 15, 16,17, 18, 19

17 14, 15,16, 17, 18+

18 15, 16,17, 18+

19 16, 17, 18+

20 17, 18+

Reasons Young People May Not Ask For Consent

1. They were not taught boundaries at home.

2. Consent has been learned as a courtesy rather than a necessity.

3. It’s interpreted as awkward or a mood killer.

4. Media (e.g. movies, music videos, song lyrics) has created a culture of

“If you want something, then go after it.” Instant gratification vs. What is

good for the both of us?”

5. They may believe if you are in relationship with someone, you don’t have to ask and sexual activity is a sure thing.

Consent & Emotional Well Being

Consent decreases the number of traumatized young people

Consent = Respect = Healthier Relationships

One unwanted and nonconsensual sexual interaction

could have lifetime effects.

In order to cope with what happened young people

can turn to a variety of sources that can have a

negative impact.

Long Term Effects

Drug or alcohol abuse

Vulnerable to re-victimization

Unexplained physiological signs: stomach pain, headaches, skin reactions.

Inability to concentrate

Loss of energy

Depression

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD)

Unpredictable emotions

Repeated strong memories

Homelessness

Engage in unhealthy relationships

Unable to keep a job

Where Do Your Students Interact?

Healthy Play vs. Unhealthy Play

Spaces where students engage with each other: 1. Class

2. Hallways

3. Locker rooms & bathrooms

4. Lunch room or cafeteria

5. Gym, field or track

6. Underneath staircases

7. Isolated areas of school

8. Parking lots

You Are the Experts!

Please partner up with person next to or near you.

Instructions:

1. Discuss forms of unhealthy play you’ve witnessed at

your school or heard about through students.

2. What did you or the administration do to address it?

Flirting vs. Sexual Harassment

• Ongoing sexual harassment is a form of bullying

• How the behavior feels to the recipient

• The power difference between the two parties

• The comfort level of any physical contact

• Flirting feels fun and safe

• Recipient can walk away at anytime

Online resource for teachers, youth, and coaches:

http://www.stepupspeakout.org/

The Stages of Teaching Consent

From Infancy to Adulthood: Getting the Conversation Started

Ages 1 – 5: Good touch/bad touch, teaching proper words for body parts, not

forcing children to hug anyone.

Ages 6 – 10: Body autonomy, personal space and boundaries, listening to your gut, and how to tell someone.

Ages: 10 – 13: Talk about different forms of sexual violence, boundary setting and assertiveness, gender roles & consent and healthy relationships.

Ages: 14 – 18: Talk about different forms of sexual violence, alcohol & consent, sex positive consent culture, and healthy relationships.

Communicating Consent

“Let’s talk about ___________, baby let’s talk about you and me.”

• Using consent language

• Talking about it before, during, and even after the sexual or physical interaction

• Immediately leaving that person alone, stopping if consent is not given or denied and respecting their decisions.

Learning to Speak Consent What consent sounds like… • Yes!

• I'm sure

• I'm excited

• Don't stop

• More!

• I want to...

• I'm not worried

• I want you/it/that

• Can you please do [whatever]

• That feels good

• Mmmmmmm

• I love you/this

• I want to do this right now

• I feel good about this

• I'm ready

• I want to keep doing this…

• This feels right

What can nonconsent sound like? • No • I'm not sure • I don't know • I'm scared • Stop • [silence] • No more • I feel worried about... • I don't want you/it/that • It’s getting late… • I thought I wanted to, but... • That hurts • Maybe • I love you/this, but... • I want to do this, but not right now • I'm not ready or not sure if I'm ready • I don't want to do this anymore • This feels wrong

Communication Activity

Do we have four volunteers?

Let’s See How Well You Communicate

Verbal vs. Nonverbal • With a verbal agreement there is no

guessing

• You will clearly understand their wants, needs, and desires (now that’s hot ; )

• The earlier consent is gained through verbal interactions the more likely they will continue to use it

• Our advanced technologic society is decreasing socialization and physical discussions

• It’s sex positive!

• Non verbal cues are not a guarantee or an enthusiastic “yes”

• Young people need both verbal and nonverbal cues, they are not developmentally ready for just one

• They don’t always know how to read body language or interpret it

• Nonverbal language is not informative enough

• It’s risky!

Consent vs. Coercion Is not gained through: • Pressure • Threats • Manipulation • Flattery • Drugs or alcohol • Or any other form of power and control Person or persons are able to say stop at anytime. Silence or the lack of “no” is not treated as

consent.

Is gained through: • Pressure: begging or pleading • Threats: abusing knowledge of a

secret/personal disclosure or using position of authority

• Manipulation: making something seem “Not that bad”

• Flattery: intentionally complimenting or tricking someone and using their vulnerabilities to gain consent

• Drugs or Alcohol: encouraging someone to keep drinking, watching them all night, drugging their drink, and violating them while incapacitated

Person is scared to say stop Silence is treated as “yes”

Coercion Continued…

Coercion can be “ambiguous” or seen as “innocent fun”

Frequently asked question: Why don’t they say “No,” “Stop it!” Or just leave? - freeze, flight or fight.

Grooming: This a process, it can go on for months, even years.

Situation resembles something more romantic than their pre conceived idea

of a unwanted sexual interaction.

Creating a Consent Culture

Tools to Begin the Culture Shift:

• Create an anonymous “Questions About Consent” box

• Every week or month, ask one student to bring an example (e.g. song, magazine advertisement, movie clip, commercial) which demonstrates the presence

of consent OR the lack of consent. And ask the class to take 5 minutes to discuss

it as group.

• Create a Consent Poster, ask everyone in the class to contribute their thoughts

and opinions, make sure it is posted all year round and visible.

• Talk to other faculty about what you’re doing, pass the message along!

Continued…

Other Discussions You Can Have

Depending on your level of comfort with the topic and the age group:

1. End the Slut vs. Stud mentality

2. Encouraging the use of “safe words”

3. Teaching young people to set boundaries and assert themselves

4. Consent to a sexual activity or physical interaction, is NOT consent

to video or audio recording, and picture taking.

Inclusive Spaces

Consent is About Including Everyone!

• Let your students know that consent is for everyone, no matter their gender identity, sexual

orientation, gender expression, occupation, or preferred lifestyle.

• When you talk about consent or reference a situation, use inclusive language (e.g. they, them

they’re, people, individuals).

• Move away from heteronormative language, e.g. she and he, her and him, boyfriend and girlfriend, and use the term “partner/s.” If they haven’t heard this before, explain what

it means and why you use it.

• Use names that do not always indicate if the person is female or male. e.g. Alex, Jess, Pat, etc.

Making an Impact

Building Safer School Communities:

• Inform them of their rights – Title IX, official school policies, provide alternative

healing options (e.g. therapy or counseling).

• Allow students to lead a yearly (or twice a year) open forum discussion about consent

and respect.

• Encourage them to provide peer to peer trainings on the topic.

• Start a campaign at your school, get parents and the local community involved.

• Mandatory consent training for all staff, faculty and administration.

Things to Consider Before Talking About Consent: Handout Provided

1. You will most likely have survivors in your classroom.

2. There will be victim blaming.

3. This may be the first time that your students are learning anything about this subject from a reliable source.

4. Students will be curious about how consent works when both people have been consuming alcohol.

5. There may be students, especially in middle schools, who will not immediately understand that coercion is a form of power and control.

Defining Power & Control: Handout Provided

Good Hook Up 👍 Bad Hook Up 👎 How do we know someone is under the influence of drugs or alcohol? Rape

Hot

Both People into it 😋

We talk about it

Both are aware of situation

Both gave permission

Safe

Fun

Exciting 😁

Holding hands

Kissing

Feels good

Awkward 😒

Not Good

Bad at it

Both gave permission

Funny

Confused

Sloppy

They are too needy

Bad Hygiene

*This is describing a situation where the sex or hook up was bad but there was still consent,

meaning both people agreed to what was going to happen.

Stumbling

Bad Motor Skills

Slurring Words

Bad Communication

Puke

Confused

Mumbling

Super Loud

Declaring they are drunk 😵

Smells bad

Drank all night

Passed out

Quiet

Texts don’t make sense 📱

No permission 🚫

Drunk

Force

Violent

Tricked or manipulated

Drugs 💊

Unwanted

Scared 😩

Confusion

Feel frozen

Didn’t feel right

Aftermath Aftermath Pressure Aftermath

Feelings last a long time (good)

Choose to do it again

Start going out 💑

Crush

Tell friends

Feel happy about how things went

Fell respected

Embarrassing

Awkward

Heartbreak 💔

Feelings last a short time

Would not choose to do it again

Joke about it

Don’t tell anyone

Lose a Friend

Peers find out

Stress

Drama

Afraid of Rumors

Acting different

Trying to fit in

Keeping to themselves

Afraid of what others may do or think

Weird body language 💃

Feel depressed

Fear

Anxiety

Self-Blame

Feelings last a long time (bad)

Never chose for it to happen

Violated

Can’t remember

Peers find out 🎥

Now for a Surprise!

Check underneath your seats…

Anyone with a colored paper under their

chair will get a special gift.

Questions or Comments?

Feedback is appreciated!