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Have you ever watched the film The Matrix? What if one day, you realise, what you see, what you feel, is not the real world? What will you do?

Maybe, we all live inside a big Matix.

For today’s Caduceus issue, a few lucky members from our editorial board engaged in a very inter-esting conversation with Professor Barry Kerzin. The interview was originally intended to focus on stress relief techniques, and yet turned out to be an inspiring talk about many topics ranging from his personal life, meditation, philosophical discussions on reality to the relationship between religion and science…and of course, some stress reducing tips.

MIND THE GAP —AN INTERVIEW WITH PROF. BARRY KERZIN

M19 Yaya Huang

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What is reality? This is the question.

As science-orientated medical students, many of us would say that reality is cells, chemicals, mole-cules and particles.

Others may complain: why ask this vague, seem-ingly un-pragmatic yet self-troubling question?

For Prof. Kerzin, this very question inspired him to follow Buddhism. Born in a non-religious family, Prof. Kerzin never expected himself to become a Buddhist monk. During his adoles-cence, he read a book by D.T. Suzuki called the World of Zen in which he was taught that reality is beyond words. Not being able to fully compre-hend the theory, he grew more curious regarding Eastern philosophy. This peaked when many of his friends felt “incredible bliss” during a lecture with an Indian master at university. His second major encounter with the term “reality” was in 1984 when Lamma Zopa Rinpoche introduced him to the Buddhist notions on reality—empti-ness. Stunned by the idea, Prof. Kerzin had hallu-cinations—“I saw this huge conical American teepee, and I saw myself walking around it…I was trying to look inside…I looked to the top and looked inside, there was nothing. I freaked, I started shaking, my heart was going bang bang bang bang, I was breathing fast, and was sweat-ing…”

Through Prof. Kerzin’s descriptive portrayal of his hallucination, I realized it must have been so powerful that the experience is still vivid in his mind.

Emptiness is not Nihilism

Despite having unpleasant experiences when he encountered the term “emptiness”, Prof. Kerzin was told by Lama Zopa that he went too far to the point of Nihilism. Nihilism concludes that nothing meaningful exists and meanings are merely created by ourselves. On the other hand, Buddhist emptiness merely promotes an absence of normal perception.

“What does mind the gap mean?” Prof. Kerzin asked us.

The double meaning of “mind” as a noun and as a verb depicts the limitations of our mind and our perception—we always try to avoid falling into the gap between the train and the platform, however, we lack awareness of the discrepancy between our perception and reality.

The journey towards reality…

Now, we have realized that reality is not what we see, what we feel or what we think it might be, then let’s go back to the rather cliché question: What is reality?

“In Buddhism, there is no direct answer.” Prof. Kerzin believes that the process of searching reality is actually a journey where we mature through understanding and experiencing the world. Incorporating emptiness is the first step. “It’s like somebody giving you a pair of dirty glasses.” recognizing the consequential falsities and distortions is the first step to removing the dirt. While listening to Prof. Kerzin explaining the notion of “emptiness”, I realized it is actu-ally quite similar to the “uncarved wood” in Taoism—when a block is carved (by your mind), it will lose its original shape, which could have been carved into something else by another indi-vidual. Maybe we all wear different dirty glasses and therefore perceive in different ways. That is why the game “first impression” is only a game.

While my mind was drifting between Buddhism and Taoism, Prof. Kerzin started introducing meditation as a mean of acquiring deeper under-standing of the world. “It is human to be angry, jealous, arrogant or lacking self-esteem”. A grad-ual and long-term commitment to meditation can soften out these negative emotions and endorse kindness, generosity and a genuine smile—“The deeper we go, that understanding becomes more and more beyond the description of words, expe-rience and consciousness.”

*思潮 *

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Meditation

Some of our readers might have tried meditation in the Medical Humanity programme. However, while our beginners’ minds “go nuts” during meditation, Prof. Kerzin who meditates 3.5 hours every day feels “absorbed” as if he is humming. The state of happiness is not an exciting “wow”, but more of a baseline that “permeates your being” and melts away any physical and mental discomfort, leaving him contented and happy. Just around the time of the interview, Prof. Kerzin was exhausted by the various teaching activities in Hong Kong, he believes that medi-tation has helped him tremendously with stress management by keeping him “nicely above the water”.

Although it takes much practice to achieve Prof. Kerzin’s level of meditation, he thinks it is wonderful to realize the restless nature of our mind—because it is the first time we try to communicate with and understand our mind. This is an important step before we can achieve a balanced state of relaxation and alertness during meditation.

Many people nowadays are popularizing medita-tion techniques as part of the secular arena. Prof. Kerzin shows both support and reservation. He suggests secular meditation should be done completely out of Buddhist context, for example, translating religious terms into common words to guide practice in order to protect the purity within Buddhist meditation. Nonetheless, He thinks it is wonderful that meditation can bene-fit more people, both mentally and physically, including many medical Professionals with head-aches and back-pains. He further elaborates that meditation does not literarily ease the pain, but enables people to live with this sensation without fear and anger, hence restoring their psycholog-ical wellbeing and social function. He said “You are very lucky” that medical schools here have incorporated meditation in the curriculum. He is currently working with Prof. Gabriel Leung and Prof. CL Chan on a long-term meditation programme for HKU medical students.

Medicine and Buddhism, doctor and monk

“Why medicine?”

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We all have an answer to this question. Surpris-ingly, although having been drawn to the spiritual world of Buddhism at a young age, Buddhism is not Prof. Kerzin’s primary reason for pursuing a medical career. Diagnosed with a brain abscess at the age of 11, he suffered from seizures and comas. MRI was not yet invented, and he could have died due to difficulty in locating the abscess. “He was my hero, my real hero.” This was how Prof. Kerzin described his neurosurgeon who operated on him four times. “I just wanted to be like him…I love medicine, and I am so happy that I went into medicine to serve others, find meaning in my life and enjoy a lot of freedom.”

While most doctors nowadays adapt an author-itative attitude, Prof. Kerzin said “this is impor-tant. (Pause.) You don’t have to be that way. You can see them (patients) as equals.” He acknowl-edges that it is common for doctors to be seen as a God figure due to their expertise. Depend-ing on the healthcare system, most patients will weave in and out and find a style they prefer the most. Some of the older generation may prefer a powerful figure, but, even so, most people want to be relaxed, valued, and respected.

Throughout the interview, Prof. Kerzin talked with a gentleness and courtesey different from many other doctors I have met. I wonder whether it is due to his religious background. He agrees that religion has helped him tremendously as a doctor and as a person. While medical progres-sions led him to understand the human body, Buddhist tradition taught him the science of the mind and emotions. Prof. Kerzin finds his medi-cal and Buddhist trainings perfectly complemen-tary because—

Physically sick patients often have different emotional responses.

Religion in a modern society

Living in a capitalist world, sometimes we cannot help inculcate our innate animalistic and avari-cious pursuit. We seem to rely on bodily and mate-rialistic satisfactions for emotional and spiritual comfort. Prof. Kerzin believes that embedded in those materialistic cravings is our search for betterment and happiness. This “greed” is the silver lining of redirecting materialistic desires to a more spiritual one. Buddhism can possi-

*INTERVIEWS*

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bly guide some people to redefine satisfaction, happiness and contentment, but is not the peni-cillin for everybody. Those with an inclination towards Buddhism, and those with a Buddhist background may find life more joyful and mean-ingful under a Buddhist influence.

“All religions are true in the sense that the meta-phor is true.”

One of my colleagues mentioned this interest-ing quotation during the interview. Prof. Kerzin agrees that religion is a template of life, hence there should be many other templates and reli-gions. Just like the uncarved wood—all are true. In fact, many similar principles and ideas are explored in multiple religions as well as humanist traditions, eg love and compassion. Differences arise when we explore deeper into these reli-gions—for example, since “cause and effect” is one of the pillars of “emptiness” in Buddhism, people with strong faith in God may find it contradictory.

Nevertheless, in a science-orientated modern society, many doubt the validity of religion because it lacks empirical verification. Prof. Kerzin believes the conflict between science and religion arises from the conflict between reason and emotion. Prof. Kerzin himself is against blind faith, and he thinks it is the wonderful logic in Buddhism, consistent with his own scientific mind, that drew him into this religion.

However, is science and religion completely contradictory?

Prof. Kerzin introduced to us the work of Fran-cisco Varela, a neuroscientist, a Buddhist and a philosopher who brought together science and Buddhism “gracefully” “in a friendship”and, who motivated Prof. Kerzin to participate in collabo-rations of similar kind. Currently, many scientists endeavor to investigate meditation through scien-tific methods. The questions is whether spiritual-ity can be completely explained by science. “Medi-tation is an experience dominated by the mind, and you cannot map experience with MRI,” says Prof. Kerzin. The challenge scientists are facing is that science looks for objective measures. Subjective evidence is devalued, and therefore,

justified evaluation of a meditator’s experience is difficult. This is why Varela’s phenomenology, a study of successful quantification and evaluation of first person experience, is crucial to investi-gating spirituality through the scientific method. In addition, because science almost completely relies on perception for its empirical verification, it is against “emptiness” and therefore has limi-tations according to the Buddhist point of view. On the contrary, religion is perceived as lacking objective perceptual evidence from the perspec-tive of science. Further more, Prof. Kerzin feels that most scientists lack enough experience with their own minds, therefore should understand spirituality from a non-science perspective before investigating it scientifically.

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*思潮 *

Both Prof. Kerzin and our editorial borad members believe the content of this interview is much more interesting than the original plan. Although it is incredibly challenging for me to summarise this educational ninty-minute interview into one passage, I find it rewarding to review its content and present the essence to our dear readers. I hope it has encouraged you to leave the Matrix and go on a journey of searching for reality.

Postscript

Finally! Prevention of burn out—tips from Prof. Kerzin

1. Recognizing high expectations. Expectations are healthy as they motivate, but if they are too high, we constantly cannot achieve them and will feel the pressure. Reduce expectations a little. Recog-nise they are unnecessary.

2. Be gentle with ourselves. Most people focus on failures that are so insignificant compared to our achievements. Do not feel guilty if you have tried your best. We are all humans and we all make mistakes.

3. Forgive. We often carry hurts, sometimes from our childhood. Let it go.

4. Cultivating trustworthy friends.

5. Care for others. It is natural tendency to only focus on the self. Putting our mental energy into others generates more happiness.

6. Meditation to calm the mind with a broad perspective and peace.

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手執瑞士刀，輕輕揮動手臂，濺起一層又一層的血浪，伴隨着倒地的乘客，及陷

入絕望深谷的哀嚎，鄭捷渾然成了一個血人。諷刺的是，他卻帶着那冷漠如霜的表情，舉重若輕地拎着凝血的刀，懦弱地說出「我從小學時就想自殺，不過沒有勇氣，只好透過殺人被判死刑，才能結束我這痛苦的一生」。

隨機殺人，自然引起了各國媒體對現行犯的行為的廣泛報道及關注。可是，此事勾起種種奇特及令人詫異的分析，實為我所料不及。

有報導指他有寫恐怖小說的習慣，因此把恐怖小說連結上其離譜行為；有報導指他喜愛熱門手機遊戲，因此政府要好好監管市面上的各種遊戲，甚至要警員看一遍熱門漫畫再作判斷；更為稀奇，或可說是可笑的，是提及鄭捷從高中起，會去固定的滷味店吃加辣鵝心，警員因此懷疑加辣鵝心含有反社會情緒因子，造成人格偏頗，對心理和生理健康造成了傷害，更拘捕老闆及員工共五人。

作為傳媒，自然要吸引市民對社會時事的關注。目前報章的競爭激烈，為抓住觀眾的目光，標題要多哄動有多哄動，內容要多淺白有多淺白，相片要多低俗有多低俗，畢竟最重要的，還是觀眾的支持。至於那又深層的社會問題，又長篇又複雜，名嘴都各執一詞，日夜為生活奔走的小市民又如何了解大局？若空閒時想找點娛樂消遣，誰又要看那陰霾蓋着的社會？

因此，儘管身為醫學院文字傳媒，我卻常常對傳媒的角色定位存疑。

若要令大眾對社會事務作出關心，首要的當然是引起他人的興趣；若要引起他人注意，則內容要淺白哄動；若內容要淺白哄動，那麼當然是由市民日常接觸到的事物入手。既然如此，又何以掘出埋在深處的核心問題？誰又能從那小小的加辣鵝心，看到社會名流的貪腐？誰又能從那幾個遊戲，看到政客的無能？

唯有把這日常生活中的小事，如泡泡般吹

呀吹，愈吹愈大，然後胡亂扣上一大堆的帽子，方能使人注意到泡泡中虛幻的美麗。當然，專業的傳媒又怎會吹得太多，令泡沫不攻自破？故大部分人早年仍天真得以為傳媒可信，畢竟，誰又猜到當時仍作為社會主要的資訊來源亦會作假？

今日，這情形更甚，始終在這個資訊橫流飛濺的時代，傳媒的價值日漸減少，亦有愈來愈多的專業泡沫觀察者能看透泡沫的本質。既然如此，那怕泡沫爆開，我再吹，吹得更大更荒謬，讓那些反對的聲音淹沒在陽謀的聲勢洪流。我實在明白，為了生計，出奇謀不過是求生本能。人在野，誰又能從食物鏈逃逸？

說到食物鏈，當人以為傳媒站在金字塔頂端，以為傳媒可以警示市民，以為傳媒可以嚇阻官僚，卻不知政客其實早已跳出並控制整條食物鏈。

不信？就以鄭捷事件為例。五月二十三號中國時報指事件「時機點上和『綠營學生違法佔領國會』事件遙相呼應。從社會心理學角度觀察，可以說鄭捷的提前發動北捷屠殺案，不僅受到林飛帆、陳為廷等學運份子『刺激』，同時也反映他個人不滿那批大學生的最終退卻，因為要幹就幹大的，向來是犯罪者的共同心理。」

到底是從小五就計畫「幹大事」的鄭捷搭上了時光機，到了某個神祕空間，然後受到了近年抬頭的學運影響，還是某黨怕了近年的反抗力量，企圖控制傳媒，用輿論為學運貼上「暴力」，「不理智」的標籤？實在難以考究，你我不得而知了。

既然有傳媒可用，政黨又怎會浪費？

你要諮詢？好，先造個假諮詢，傳媒不報導，就可神不知鬼不覺地通過。遊行？不要緊，做個「維穩 show」，加上媒體直播，自然少了許多青少年上街。某傳媒報導出社會上的反對聲音？不要緊，我不發牌照。市民反對我不發

誰為正邪定分界？M19 倫曜琨

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*THE PULSE*

牌照？不要緊，我讓傳媒報導多點支持聲音。想對特首說聲加油？好，值得鼓勵。「我討厭政治」？好，多多宣揚，為政治冷感的人找一個可笑的下台階。

傳媒？不過是政客為一己私利，哄哄你，哄哄我，哄哄政客的一個小小玩偶罷了。

世界早已昏暗，淫官奸佞早已把污泥不斷渲染，泓泓清泉愈來愈少，那狂妄的呼喊卻愈見聲威。作為放大鏡的傳媒卻把要緊的源頭放在一邊，然後不斷聚焦於那小小的黑暗觸角，非得插手把水搞混，唯一的目標就是那盲目的呼嘯，以及確保自己的存在而己。

你問，傳媒為何想做一隻棋子，任由政治家擺弄？為何不可把政治家的醜惡面孔揭穿？

誰又想做一隻棋子？但最後，誰都淪為愛薪的棋子。

歸根究柢，還是萬惡的金錢玩意。

誰不想把政治家的虛偽撕破？但當他們

道行高深得催眠了自己，坦盪盪的說出還在諮詢卻早已一鎚定音的方案；明明白白地推翻了五十年不變，推出一個一個謊言，而又互相矛盾地解釋。如此彌天大謊都破不了催眠術，千年老妖的面具又有誰能揭露？連自己都騙過了，又有誰不能騙過？

老妖能在幻想的完美國度翱遊飛翔，頂着長鼻子俯瞰身下的國民，除了禮義廉，當然還有賴市民的「信任」。

或者說，有賴市民的「不反對」。

科技日新月異，娛樂多不勝數，生活紙醉金迷，種種五光十色的官能刺激下，誰又把社會當作一回事？

尤其是那些在社交網絡上按「讚」的人，義正辭嚴加上寥寥數字再加以分享，就以為自己是社運熱血分子，心中奮慨兩秒，然後又投身網絡世界。你妄想此舉可以帶來不少的影響，卻又不知身邊全是這些同類。短暫的熱血，最後就只剩一大堆飛灰。網絡上的支持已經渺小，

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實際的反對？更是從未有過。

請仔細看着平滑全黑的屏幕，在微弱光線下的深沉鏡面下，反射出那若有若無的輪廓，是那麼真實，就似一觸即及，卻又是那麼虛幻，看得到，摸不着。你清楚知道在你那看似真實的模樣，徹底地隱藏着底下各種黃黃綠綠的電子零件，液晶屏幕前的你選擇無視，選擇陌生，選擇遺忘，只着眼在那小小黑鏡上的種種故事。

你打從心底知道這些暗處的琳琅滿目，卻又全不在意。如此，你就等着吧，等着那些瘋狂的政客如百鬼夜行般在你的生命中巡遊吧。

嘴巴上這樣說，其實自己，也不過對社會事務一知半解，但亦希望藉此文章，可以喚起對社會的一點關心。正如前段所說，有怎樣的市民，就有怎樣的媒體。你愛低俗，傳媒就為你變得更低俗；你愛哄動，傳媒就為你煽風點火；你不關心社會，就自然有更多機會讓陰謀光明正大地成了陽謀。

當助我們分清黑白的傳媒都深深地受到威脅，無論社會事務再複雜再長篇，問題都是我們的，總不能大叫一句：「好難捉摸呀！」然後拋下一切大事大非吧？

唯有互勉之。

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滾滾長江東逝水，浪花淘金英雄。是非成敗轉頭空。青山依舊在，幾度夕陽紅。

人生十數年匆匆，歲月飛逝白骨終。人生可以用「生老病死」四字概括，然而它們只是階段性結果，每個人，或若富貴，或若貧窮，都會經歷上述四件事，殊途同歸，塵歸塵，土歸土。對每個人來說，更重要的是人在每一個人生十字路口選擇如何走下去，因為每一條路，都是一場磨練，需思考，需推索，需果敢。

雨花一片一片地灑在頭上，肩上，手上，伴着迎面吹來的風向下直奔，消失得無影無蹤。我走在行人攘往熙來的街上，看着四方八面的人撐着花樣繁多的雨傘輕輕的來，輕輕的走，再輕輕的沒入街尾轉角處，倏地感到一陣默然失落。我向前隨波逐流幾步，看到左方站着一羣身穿「毋忘六四」黑衣的大學生，站在後排的各人抬頭挺胸佇立，神情肅穆，站在正前方的一個女孩透過咪高峰向途人娓娓道來他們要站上街頭的原因，這羣莘莘學子立志傳承二十五年前民主鬥士在歷史上留下的足印，要向強權說不，向獨裁說不。縱然她所說之物在香港社會早已是老生常談，路上行人（大多數香港市民）行色匆匆不暫留，斷然不會為這班屈指可數的初生之犢駐足端詳，然而看到這班學生的嚴肅神情，就知他們絲毫不受周遭俗世的雜音滋擾，只浸淫於他們心中那理想的民主

國度。再加上那位女孩一把大義凜然的聲線，滿腔熱血地向路人傾倒出他們對民主渴望，對正義的堅持，對自由的訴求，我想他們早已了解到自己將要走荊棘滿途的路吧 !

我隨着人流走着走着，剛剛聽到的一番肺腑之言仍在心裏繞樑滾動，忽然又看到右方商場外牆上的電視正在播放着一羣人士的請願情況，噢，原來他們就是在媒體上「屢見不鮮」的反對新界東北發展計劃的非原居民和農夫。這羣習慣過着阡陌交錯生活的樸素市民，若非遭遇切膚之痛，甚少會放下糊口的鋤頭，離開草木扶疏的郊區，一而再，再而三地毅然來到鬧市，踏上申訴不公之路。

「不遷不拆」這短短四隻字在他們眼內易如反手之舉。所謂人身立世，先安內，後攘外，保衛家園乃是匹夫天職，面對政府強推發展鴻圖大計，「囤地局長」只是重覆作人肉錄音機，表示計劃自 2007年以來已諮詢八年之久，討論已足夠，掩耳盜鈴地對危如累卵的細節爭議視而不見，處處漏洞，惟在特區的崎型政治體制下，立法會內的一個個橡皮圖章勢必挾「主流民意」、「香港要進步」之名一味附和，隱惡揚善，反覆宣傳東北發展計劃的利，莫視居民覓地復耕，復村，復居等要求。這班村民被迫走上與社會主流對抗的道路，雖然能把整個計劃推倒的機會極微，不過，我想他們並不後悔，因為他們

*社會脈象 *

路 M19 梁校霖

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正在當家作主，為保家園而戰。走上這條道路，「自己的命運自己主宰」。

飛蛾為了追求片刻的光和熱，勇往直前撲向火焰，詮釋了生命的價值；荊棘鳥為了引吭高歌，唱出最扣人心弦的樂章，甘願將胸膛沒入尖刺，成就出淒美的絕唱。《巾幗梟雄》中的柴九哥有句「人生有幾多個十年」膾炙人口，總結出人生苦短，想幹的事卻星羅棋布的道理。不切實際地拋出甚麼事都做的想法無異於痴人說夢，因為人一生只能走一條路；不過，坐井觀天，只說不做的人生等於在沙灘留下足印，洗涮過後不遺半點痕跡，沒有半點意義。飛蛾和荊棘鳥雖然犧牲了自身，但卻達成了朝思暮想的心願，死而無憾。死亡對牠們來說只是另一種永生的存在，沒有絲毫可懼。

我走着走着，忽然覺得這座城市陌生了。比起往日，街道更擠擁了，拖着「旅行喼」的人多了，藥房及珠寶店的數目急增了；用廣州話交談的人少了，街上的表演者少了，往日吸引無數旅客慕名而至的港式茶餐廳找不到了。

我忽然在想：「怎麼香港好像變了呢？」

長於斯二十載，與她從沒有過這般的陌生，走在街頭差點兒迷路了。十七年前香城脫離「獰惡的海獅」及「鎮海的魔王」的魔掌，回歸偉大母親的懷抱，被承諾踏上五十年不變的安穩大道。光陰荏苒，其間發生了「沙士」、金融海嘯等大事，不過於獅子山下，香城人民不屈不撓的拼搏精神創造出一個又一個的奇蹟，東方之珠終究沒有失去璀璨耀目的光輝。然而與祖國往來愈加密切的同時，卻惹來不少「經濟統戰」、「一國兩制名存實亡」的揣測。

宏觀地來看，本港自回歸後，朝與中國大陸增加交往的方向一日千里地發展着。過去十餘年，隨着更緊密經貿關係安排 (CEPA)的簽訂，兩地在經濟上的互相依賴達至前所未有的高度，而這一個大方向，一直是香港能繼續繁榮穩定地發展的基石。本地的天然資源有限，缺油，缺煤，缺水，因此只好向廣東省購買，以支持香港人的正常生活。事實上，這一直是本港得天獨厚的優勢，有祖國作為龐大的後盾，奠定了一個穩打穩紮的基礎給香城發展成為舉世聞名的金融中心。

於數百年前的開埠之初，香港先有明清兩

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朝實行鎖國政策的天時，再有天然深水港（維多利亞港）作地利，加上英國殖民地政府願意作深謀遠慮規劃的人和，成就了香港從寂寂無名、地脊山多的純樸小魚村蛻變成一個四通八達的物流和製造業中心，開始聞名於世。及後於製造業式微之際，香城把握契機適時轉為金融中心，作為外資進入大中華市場的橋頭堡，促進金融行業於本港蓬勃發展。我想香港的成功取決於每一次都把握好機會，走上正確的道路。

問題是：「香港現在應該怎樣走下去？」

最近數年，由於過度開放自由行，內地訪港旅客每年顯著上升，在旅遊設施如休憩用地，公廁等沒有相應提升數目的前提下，此消彼長，旅遊旺區早已不勝負荷，影響了旅客在港的體驗。再者，大量「水貨客」湧港消費，他們的目標轉為與普通市民生活密不可分的日用品，影響範圍之廣連初生嬰兒的食糧都不能幸免，令不少港爸港媽叫苦連天。

於這種氛圍下，本地意識開始無止境地擴大，產生所謂「排外」的意識型態，進而惡化至一波又一波的「中港矛盾」。「反水貨客」、「反自由行」之說遍地開花。令人遺憾的是，當局並沒有正視問題，反而擴大自遊行政策實施的範圍，，更多的內地旅客慕名而至，使問題愈加嚴重。受薪於香港納稅人的高官政要不但沒有帶頭捍衛港人利益，反而以「包容論」、「平常心論」、「同理心論」等繼續挑戰港人的底線，無理要求港人默默承受自己的家鄉被自由行單一化，生活在樓價及租金被推至不合理高位的環境。

無可否認的是，與大陸的頻繁交往是大勢

所趨，自由行亦是香城發展成旅遊之都的重要原素。香港作為一個知識型經濟社會，市民必定清楚了解這些道理。不過物極必反、盛極必衰，過度開放使本港的民生，經濟和社會方面的問題叢生，令香港社會得不償失，惹起普羅大眾的憎惡。問題的癥結在於如何平衝發展的步伐和居民的感受，所謂「不違農時，穀不可勝食也；數罟不入洿池，魚鱉不可勝食也；斧斤以時入山林，材木不可勝用也。」顯然易見，存在於香港人當中的負面情緒只是針對過多的自由行旅客，我們並不反對祖國同胞到港一遊。古語亦有云：「魚，我所欲也，熊掌亦我所欲也；二者不可得兼，舍魚而取熊掌者也。」要使香港繼續繁榮穩定，政府必須有先見之明，按時制定合時的政策，走限制訪港旅客的路，減低其對港人帶來的負面影響。

使人惋惜的是，現屆政府庸碌無為，被一羣沽名釣譽之輩尸位素餐，政策方向缺乏延續性及前瞻性，自第一任特首董建華所提出的「中藥港」，至上屆曾特首倡議的「六大產業」，到現任梁振英特首的「港人港地」，無一有完整的計劃，大多是口號式提出，虎頭蛇尾般不了了之。為官之道，宜「聖、良、忠、智、貞、直」；忌「庸、諛、奸、讒、賊、險」官員不能處理社會面對的問題，又不發奮上進，將勤補拙，是為「庸官」，他們在面對立法會議員質詢時左右而言，答非所問，即使回答，話中無物，令人氣憤。

除了政令不通外，其身不正者，如特首梁振英大話連篇，靠隱瞞僭建取得特首寶座。中華民族向來崇尚誠信，有謂「人無信不立」、「誠信二字重千斤」。東漢時的季布，為人行俠仗義，對人許下一諾就必定會守，所以當時流傳「得黄金百斤，不如得季布一諾」的美名，後來因

*THE PULSE*

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為他的正直，漢高祖劉邦赦免了他的罪，還讓他當上官，經歷兩朝，官至河東郡守，留頌後世。回顧我們的特首先生，他深受誠信問題困擾，不單大部份代表民意的民選立法會議員不相信他，連市民也因他的誠信問題而把他比喻成凶狠奸詐的「狼」，令其施政舉步維艱。再者，「上樑不正下樑歪」，其下屬發展局局長陳茂波先後爆出連串醜聞，先經營違法劏房，再涉嫌醉駕，加上其家族在古洞北囤地自肥，他個人毫不避嫌強推新界東北發展計劃，難免令人有瓜田李下的聯想。為官者若有如此品行，與「賊」無異。

不過，可以肯定的是，香港還未到絕望的時候。在這裏，仍有不少永不低頭的人，年輕一代由以往對政治只有冷感，變成今天擔當學運的中堅份子；市民對爭取民主，爭取自由，爭取未來愈來愈熱切，遇到不公義的事情，更勇敢站出來表達訴求；面對議會中的程序不公和政權對民意的漠視，我們敢於以「包圍議會，市民自救」回應。看着現時的社會，你可能會感到迷失，不知如何走下去。然而只要你願意繼續站出來、走下去，不管你是來自哪個經度緯度，只要有共同的目的地，兩條平行線之後也會有相交的一天，而當人們攜手共進，集腋

成裘時，香港將有更美好的明天。

前路漫漫，但願香港人都有着「路曼曼其修遠兮，吾將上下而求索」的精神，勇敢地踏出無悔的每一步。

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*社會脈象 *

在幽暗狹窄的環境裏，他或她，慢慢地伸頭摸索，感受四周，呼吸八方。這樣的

若隱若現，那樣的撲朔迷離。時而柔軟時而堅韌；時而濕滑時而乾燥；時而豐潤時而乾癟。

「我想要」　 「我想要」　 「我想要」　 「我想要」

一聲聲「我想要」的聲量越漸放大，一盞盞射燈的亮度越逐變暗。

四位演員異口同聲地道出：

「一個陰道。」——頓時，處於漆黑的環境裏。

一四年四月四日，剛巧那麼多個四而已，沒有別的意思，一齣改編自美國女作家伊芙 · 恩斯勒的《陰道獨白》（The Vagina Monologues）——《將陰道獨白到底》在香港大學公演。中山大學的艾曉明教授以《陰道獨白》為草圖，改為以中國社會作背景，用十年時間，

湊合出多段中國女性談陰道、談性的訪問，加以整理，從而獨白中國的陰道。

放聲解放女性生殖器官，總有一種冀盼「打開天窗說亮話」，可又因膽小而不敢全開，彷彿在畏懼些甚麽的感覺。起初友人聽聞我要去看這齣舞臺劇，都紛紛向我投以淫穢蔑視的眼光，而我也只好隨便笑話幾句，可是心裏就無端醍醐灌頂，忖度着大概編劇就是想帶出這樣的訊息吧。雖說現代社會開放，但人們還是會隻字不提。就算打開了天窗，卻又是種自嘲的語氣。其實，我們在畏懼甚麽？

整齣劇一共十幕。每一幕像一道刀痕狠狠地刮破真實的假象，再輕輕地撥開殘酷的陰霾，心頭儼如被針間斷扎了十下。戲劇氛圍控制得宜，高潮波獮起伏，內容循序漸進，形式較為傾向於個人心靈解放為多。演員都只是學生，所表現出來的戲劇張力和氣焰略嫌不足，偶爾會忘掉臺詞，儘管開首稍微影響了觀眾的投入感，但也無傷大雅。因為劇中深埋的社會弊端才是重心，當中包括了家庭暴力、性侵犯、一孩政策等。

一、陰道之歌二、我長大了三、我擔心我的女兒四、我遇見一隻怪獸五、不！我必須說六、別打我！七、殺了他我就沒想活八、婚前恐環症九、男孩還是女孩十、獨白不獨

當中特別有幾幕更是鮮血淋淋地解剖開中國的陰道，這類陰道也可謂「骨顫肉驚」。零零掌聲落下，心情亦黯然徐徐沉落下去……「哇——哇」刺耳的嬰兒啼哭聲劃破黑糊糊的沉寂。倏忽，一道刺眼的鎂鋁光直接聚焦圈圍起第九幕的陰道。

「是男的還是女的？」

《將陰道獨白到底》：中國的陰道N18 孤亦

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一把喘息未定的女聲神色倉皇地呼喊。

「女的……」

舞臺分為兩邊，一廂是剛結婚的城市女性，一廂是上了年紀的農村女性，她們都在講述生小孩的事。儘管兩邊交叉獨白着，可不難看得出讓她們「寢不安席，食不甘味」的心事是啥。農村的婦女一味兒使勁用力地洗滌衣裳，轉轉盤子，刷呀刷，扭呀扭，捶捶腰，再擦擦汗，才開口說幾句話。她生第一個小孩的時候，沒人在身旁照顧她，只好硬着頭皮忍着妊娠劇痛，徒手把孩子掏了出來，然後用丈夫的剃鬚刀把臍帶割掉。由於第一個孩子是女孩，她別無選擇，無可奈何，只好繼續生。生到老四，依舊是女孩，丈夫說定要生個兒子，不能讓香火在自己手裏毀斷，若後繼乏人，就愧對先人祖上。大夫經已多次警告，再生下去子宮就要從陰道脫落了。可又有甚麽法子？丈夫執意要個兒子，也沒辦法。只好勉為其難地生下去唄。終於，皇天不負有心人，生到老九，是個男孩。

「我的陰道大約也就沒有甚麽作用了吧。」

那位剛結婚的女士無力的躺臥在病床上，烏黑的頭髮亂七八糟，蠟黃的臉龐，大汗涔涔，失魂的眸子似乎告訴全世界她懷着鬼胎。同樣地，她的第一胎也是女孩，丈夫牢騷滿腹，怏怏不悅。但因為計劃生育，政府只允許每家生一胎，她只好鬼鬼祟祟的，找個退休護士幫忙，躲在家裏生第二胎。分娩時陰道撕裂，大出血，萬幸的是她沒有死，不幸的是老二還是女孩，就是說她還要繼續生。雖然早知生畢第三胎，就可能血染黃沙，可她還是要生。她不恥最後，咬緊牙根，劬勞地生了第三胎，是個女孩。她抱頭痛哭，放聲直斥着不公，燈光下的頭髮更顯黯啞，臉龐更顯蒼白。忽爾，聲音停止了，她的眸子定住在膝蓋上——

「我希望女人的陰道不只是生產的通道和機器。」

眼淚重重的滴隨下來。她緊合眼蓋，抿緊嘴唇，摒緊呼吸。那畢竟是從陰道裏掉下的一塊肉呀。　

「如果我可以出生……」

一個稚嫩的女聲在細唸。她象徵着許多因

為性別而被選擇流產的女嬰。

——又回到漆黑的環境裏。

陰道，是個怎樣的東西？無數的生命從這呱呱墜地，陰道帶給女性歡悅，伴隨痛苦，帶來殤殘。我們女性怎樣去看待自己的陰道？羞澀嚒？污穢嚒？甭提嚒？可能這戲的背景為中國社會，而正好我們香港社會女權出鞘，不太竅當中的苦難。但正因如此，我們更該反思到性別定型的愚蠢。一孩政策固然有它的漏洞，但這也是控制人口膨脹的不二之法，問題更在於傳統的觀念上。看到這幕，想到這幕，深明那可不只是一幕，而是每天在中國上演的情節。上千萬的女孩可能因此被拋棄，身無分文，流浪街頭，甚至連屬於自己的姓名都沒有。一誕生就得被卑蔑，被嫌棄。在母親和女兒的身體裏，在自己的身體裏，從出生，甚至還沒來得及出生；從孕育生命，到知道再也無法孕育生命。爲甚麽，憑甚麼這樣對待陰道？

「……我希望每個女兒都能在全家的期待中降生。」

19

*HUMANITIES*

一雙鞋子的力量——《言葉之庭》CM19 馬夢婷

（內容含有劇透）

不知道有沒有人和我一樣，進了家門後，第一件事就是把鞋子脫掉。

對走了一天路的我來說，鞋子是種束縛。當那種被緊緊包着的感覺消失了之後，才知道那感覺並不好受。脫掉鞋子後輕鬆無束的自由感，讓人忍不住輕輕嘆息。

或許，對於《言葉之庭》的女主角雪野來說，也是如此。

緊繃的高跟鞋，壓迫着腳部光潔的皮膚，也壓迫着疲憊不堪的心靈。進入了那雨中的庭子，那不受外界干擾的舒適地帶，那雙惱人的高跟鞋，終於可以甩掉了。

在工作的地方被誤會被排擠，心裏的傷口越發擴大。在再也無法承受的時候，雪野的味覺出現了問題。除了啤酒和巧克力外，她再也嘗不到任何味道。穿着不合腳的鞋子，步履蹣跚的她，在公園的庭子裏靜靜地喝着啤酒。然後，在一個下雨的日子裏，一名高中男生走入了她的世界，那個被雨簾隔絕了的世界。

兩個人，一人喝着啤酒，一人畫着鞋的設計稿。雨點落在湖面上，敲在草上，也砸在心上。雪野的舒適地帶，多了一個人。

那個人，名叫秋月，喜歡鞋子。夢想是入讀專門學校，做一名鞋匠。

兩人漸漸熟悉了之後，秋人鼓起勇氣說 :「我想做一雙鞋。對象還不知道，但是，那會是一雙女鞋。」雪野安靜地看着他。他說 :「可是，

我總是做不好，所以……」言下之意，是希望雪野能做他的模特兒。猶豫着，猶豫着，雪野還是伸出了自己的腳。

把腳伸出來，就像是交出了信任一樣。畢竟那是不想被看見的東西。因為，很醜。光滑的腳被生活裏的碎玻璃劃破，走不動了，所以才一直停留在原地。雪野說 :「二十七歲的我，和十五歲的我相比，一點也沒有向前進。」因為沒有舒適的鞋子，也因為沒有勇氣踏上滿佈荊棘的路，所以只能縮起雙腳，躲藏在這一隅小小天地，撫着結了疤的痕跡，暗自療傷。但是，看着追求夢想而閃閃發亮的秋人，她慢慢地對逃避的日子感到厭倦。也許這一刻，她可以期待，秋人的鞋子，能讓她的腳重新踏上庭子外的土地。

可是，鞋子還沒做好，平靜而快樂的安全地帶就出現了裂縫。秋人終於知道雪野一直隱藏的秘密。雪野原來是自己學校的老師，因為一直被三年級的女生排擠，才不得已地辭了職。即使不滿被隱瞞，秋人依然站在雪野的那邊，甚至不顧兩人身分的差距，在一個飄着雨的午

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後，向雪野告了白。

雪野卻以身分的隔閡拒絕了他。

在情緒崩潰的那一瞬，秋人說 :「你就這樣好了，對重要的事情閉口不提，擺出一副事不關己的樣子，一輩子都這樣好了。」

可是，怎麼敢告訴你呢？因為喜歡，才更在意自己在你眼中的映像。連自己都討厭這樣的自己，怎麼敢走出來讓你看到呢？怎麼能說服自己，這樣的我不會被你討厭呢？怎麼能安慰自己，你說的喜歡，會連這雙醜陋的腳也一併接納呢？

在淚水溢出眼眶的那一剎，雪野緊緊地抱住秋人，邊哭邊說 :「每天早上穿好衣服打算去學校的時候，卻因為害怕而不敢踏出那一步。那個時候，是你拯救了我。」

其實，不是不想向前走。只是，沒有了鞋子，卻又學不會如何光着腳走。看着眼中充滿光芒的你，只是這樣，就會很憧憬亭子外的世界。你的出現，像是我的新鞋子一樣。舒服的皮革，溫柔地擁抱着我，安撫了疼痛的傷痕。你對我的肯定，像是在背後推了我一把，給了我向前走的力量。

最後的最後，秋人在庭子裏放下做好了的鞋子。那雙鞋子很漂亮，而且很柔軟，不會刮腳。能好好地保護這雙纖細的腳，無論在雨中還是

雪中，都能走得安穩。

不知盼了多久，雨終於停了，烏雲終於散去了，天空終於明亮了。久違了的陽光穿透雲層，輕輕柔柔地灑在大地上。即使外面的世界有泥濘，有碎片，有荊棘，但只要有這雙鞋，就甚麼也不怕了。

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*明德 *

INTRODUCTION

The following entries are based on some fragments of texts that the author has come across. Note that

some of the words/ideas used to expound on the fragments are volatile and not yet condensed to easily communicable language/well-defined notations. But perhaps to define is to limit: especially at a juncture when so little is “determi-nately and immediately” known. This may be a process: that to advance human knowledge, there is a stage of initial (instinctual or deliberate) mystification, and based on the freedom offered allow compound interactions in the subconscious that can allow for clarification/demystifica-tion of the initial substance/input. To circumvent this would be to truncate the scope/dimension of our possibil-ities of comprehension.

Fragment 1:

Neither pantheism nor humanism. But some-thing much more extensive, indifferent and incomprehensible. This reality was in perpetual interaction. Not good and not evil; not beauty and ugliness. Neither desire nor dislike. Only the interaction.

—the Magus, by John Fowles

Entry 1:

In the process of practical comprehension, it is not advisable to employ “pure concepts” like “only interaction” for description; note that for arbitrary purposes of conventional designation, “cause” and “effect”, “good” and “evil” are necessary: as sign languages of anchorage, point-ing to a “sector of knowledge” upon mention/recall. Further: the ambitious claim to reduce conventional designation of concepts into homogenous forms, like “all are interactions”, create hazard of white noise: increasing influx of meaningless information, and reduces the abso-lute complexity of civilization.

Further expound on: the reason for maintain-ing absolute complexity. There are commonly

three dimensions by which we delineate reality; in addition human conception adds the fourth dimension of time; further, the actual dynamic perception of the objective existence of the four dimensions by humans constitutes the fifth dimension. (Compounding the relative complex-ity of the first four dimensions)

Parenthesis as clarification: Note that these are arbitrary terms for explanation only: there are intersections between dimensions, with greater intersections as one moves up the dimensions, e.g. only one point between the first three dimen-sions; time interacts with all the three dimensions but in a consistently dynamic character, much affected by, e.g. mass and speed. Human sensi-bility intersects all the lower four dimensions but still retains an unknown degree of leniency in dependence, otherwise it would be entirely incorporated into the lower dimensions with loss of uniqueness. One possibility is that: it may be possible that human sensibility/comprehension is entirely deterministic, but in the level of inter-action of the mind with reality, the process of current human understanding decrees that: the awareness of the deterministic nature of our sensibility is another “determining factor” in the deterministic process of making decisions, ad infinitum. Therefore, although “human sensibil-ity” may be a delusion, with reference to the limi-tation in the process of human understanding: the dimension of human sensibility still retains a consistent character of uniqueness, and so the designation.

With the greater accessibility of data from the first four dimensions, made possible by the law of accelerating returns from technological evolution: there is the danger of an overload of objective data which can run the danger of overshadowing individual variations/complexity of characteristics of human. Note that: all natu-ral interactions in the universe between agents are dependent on some differences between the agents, more fundamentally in energy level; but this can be masked by aggregates of such

TIMELY MEDITATIONS (1): ENTRIES ON FRAGMENTS OF PHILOSOPHYAnonymous

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processes at a macroscopic level, e.g. between two persons, when that becomes the differences in information. It is most crucial that individual variances between people must be preserved: that is the essence of life; to renounce this would be to renounce life. Thus, a premature (i.e. with the “ambition” for such, when such still serves as an “ambition” instead of a naturally following result/is concurrent upon some natural progress of civilization) reduction of all things into pure concepts without the component of human subjectivity, e.g. “good” and “evil”; “love” and “hatred, “cause” and “effect” will truncate our

development and possibilities.

Fragment 2:

“All theories of ultimate origin are only better ways of defining what followed.”

—About Looking, by John Berger

The Path of Genius (1918) by Wenzel Hablik

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*HUMANITIES*

Entry 2:

“All theories of ultimate origin” may mislead us to believe in the lack of meaning in the human condition. Common values/essences of morality: love, justice, compassion, curiosity, etc. Beware not to degrade such essences to a functional tool of life-preservation, after under-standing that their ultimate origin lies in natural selection. There is no natural script on how we should perceive these qualities, and what mean-ings to designate. The gist: to preserve without loss of human potential the nonchalance towards “determinism”, with a consistent hope in the golden possibilities of human freedom.

Beware that the lack of ascribed boundaries should be perceived as greater freedom: for a more comprehensive spirit, but not indiscrim-ination in the celebration of them. Note that the essence of freedom is not just enjoying the power part, but in optimizing the power, as a natural strength “growing and flowing out” into the world. Further note that: delineation on the first entry: an important clarification for anyone learning evolution: it only provides “contextual information” as a schematic of understanding, not “universal complex mechanism”.(Evolu-tion is not an essential condition of life, but a property) This “contextual information” only describes the first four dimensions of reality; further note: that there exists a hierarchy, not in terms of importance, but “necessity” relative to the gradient of human intervention. Explana-tion: The first four dimensions are independent of human intervention; the fifth involves inter-section with the human element/interpretation on the lower four. Further: note that this hierar-chy may be a process of gradual transfiguration of the human condition.

To prevent human heterogeneity from being overshadowed by objective reality, we will need an extra dimension weaved into every-day real-ity. The sixth dimension will preserve the differ-ences in human quality, during/after the fifth is being eroded by (or exposed self-evidently as an illusion) growing influence of objective informa-tion. It will be dynamic even when it feeds on a relatively constant influx. I call this Beauty.

Fragment 3:

“The noble type of man feels himself to be the determiner of values, he does not need to be approved of, he judges ‘what harms me is harmful in itself ’, he knows himself to be that which in general first accords honor to things, he creates values. Everything he knows to be part of himself, he honors: such a morality is self-glori-fication. In the foreground stands the feeling of plenitude, of power that seeks to overflow, the happiness of high tension, the consciousness of a wealth that would like to give away and bestow.”

— Beyond Good and Evil, by Friedrich Nietzsche

Entry 3:

“Wanting to help the society” is a commonly perceived sentiment. The capable will understand this: “the human race is unimportant. It is the self that must not be betrayed”. The justice of society does not depend on “helping individuals” making petty modicum of “demonstration of values” in a superficial way. Justice can depend on a model: all societies operate around models, political, economic, cultural… It can also oper-ate around the model of a man. The Renaissance Man revised: the man will not necessarily master all the technical details of current sectors of knowledge/specialties. That is beyond the capac-ity of any human, without the help of abiotic elements integrated into human cognition. Instead: he can have deeper insight in any field of human knowledge in a philosophical sense, the determination of the essence of things, the direction incumbent on us to take, what is to be valued, what things we should be nonchalant towards, what we necessarily need to substantiate and what we need to keep as necessary fictions/evils.

Consider the verdict: I will culture my sensibility, enrich my intellect, deepen my comprehension, refine values and essence for more complete appreciation of aesthetics; so that I will have the “consciousness of a wealth which would like to give away and bestow”. (Remember, “It is the self that must not be betrayed.”)

Then, you will have the permission to help.

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24

PSYCHE AND PREJUDICEM19 Ronald Chiu

It was a sunny afternoon, the air bathed in satu-rated moisture and sweltering heat. Desired to

escape from this summer sauna, I decided to take a detour to the nearby shopping mall to savour the air-conditioning.

The gigantic Apple logo up ahead was not what caught my sight; nor was the well-lit shop with a high ceiling walled by full-height glass. Yet it was the crowd outside the shop—the black of the heads in stark contrast with the lime white of the shop’s interior. Since the opening of this second Apple store of Hong Kong, it had attracted multitudes of customers, and more importantly, mainland customers. I had never cared much about those who were actually purchasing inside the shop, but what had bothered me were those waiting (I am still not sure what they were actu-ally doing) outside the shop. Some were casually leaning on the railing; others were packing up their luggage. The level of loitering and nuisance had since made me avoid that side of the walk-way whenever possible.

It was a weekday and there were not many outside the store. As I strolled pass the shop, two small figures sitting on the ground caught my eyes. They were two blonde kids, probably brother and sister, with backs against the giant glass wall playing with their newly bought Lego toy, their sandals kicked off a few inches away. Two cute, playful children, I thought to myself, their innocent laughter made me smile naturally.

The scene only lasted for a few seconds, and I had already exited the mall when it hit me: Why did I have such positive feelings just now? What if their hair wasn’t blonde but dark, their skin not pale but yellow? What if they were mumbling Mandarin instead of English? If these were the case, I would probably have been scolding inside my head, complaining about how “uncivilized” the kids were to go shoeless on the floor outside a shop of a world-renowned brand, and then finally moving on to blame their parents for such poor upbringing.

That’s prejudice, you may say, that’s just the way it is. Yet what struck me so profoundly was that I had always tried to minimize such prejudice; I had always tried to stay rational when faced with such sensitive issues.

Surely, it is undeniable that some mainland visi-tors display acts that are deemed as rude or uncivilized or even obnoxious. There have been cases where children were allowed to urinate in public, where mainland travellers jumped the queue, shouted loudly on the MTR, squatted on the street, the list goes on. Yet one should never commit the fallacy of overgeneralization to prevent oneself from stepping towards the dimensions of stereotypes, prejudice, discrimina-tion and, at its extreme, racism. There are friends of mine in the mainland who are absolutely just like us. I have seen occasions in which mainland visitors did the right thing: a woman scolding her daughter for pole-dancing on the train, a man picking up a piece of rubbish carelessly thrown by his wife on the ground.

Yet the point here is not about whether their actions are correct or civilized, but the feelings and associated perception upon witnessing these actions. Some people have argued about the irrational discontent towards mainland visitors, raising the exact same question: Why don’t we complain about foreigners doing the same thing

25

instead? As rational as I had wanted to be, I had happily concurred with this notion and had been practicing it, until this day’s realization: somehow it just doesn’t feel the same when the person of concern is different. Would we even ponder the question of civilized or uncivilized if, say, the girl pole-dancing on the train is Caucasian in the first place? Well, maybe I would feel a bit annoyed, but I definitely would not immediately start thinking about how irresponsible the parents are. Somewhere deep down inside, we have already assumed foreigners are, in certain ways, more “civilized” than mainland visitors; somewhere deep down inside, it just gives us this subtle yet disparate impression.

You may say this is because the “Mainland-Hong Kong conflicts” happening over time. While this might hold true, what is depicted above does not confine only to such circumstances as main-land visitors versus foreigners. Back in the age of colonization, Hong Kong people might feel that foreigners were more superior. Even now we refer them as “ghost people” and, maybe less often nowadays, Indian as “Ah Chaa”. When you walk on the street and a black person catches your sight, you would probably shoot a glance at him/her (or purposefully avoid looking). Most importantly, all these happen so freely without even your thinking about it. All these happen unconsciously.

And you may call this: stereotype.

This stereotype is not your ordinary kind of stereotype. It is one that is often deeply rooted in one’s subconscious, and is shaped by lots of social factors: colonization history, parents’ view on the Japanese occupation, social discontent about the Individual Travel Scheme, movies that convey Americanism, China’s dispute with Viet-nam on the Paracel Islands, China’s dispute with Japan on the Diaoyu Islands, and of course, the many personal experiences. Education, anti-dis-crimination law and rational acting can prevent people from scolding travellers publicly in Tsim Sha Tsui, from not providing equal job opportu-nities to minorities, and from identifying foreign-ers as “ghost people” and “Ah Chaa”. However, these measures cannot alter that stereotyped mindset inside one’s subconscious. And very often, this mental stereotype is difficult to be noticed amid all the stereotypical physical actions that are being looked out for.

But if this subconscious stereotype is so easy to acquire, yet so difficult to get rid of, should we just let it be and concede that is just how humans work? No. The problem of this issue is that we are seldom aware of this involuntary stereotype. By being more vigilant towards it and reflecting more upon why we think in certain ways, I believe one can gradually ameliorate this inner mentality.

*明德 *

CADUCEUS

26

Interestingly enough, Guinea pig is neither from Guinea, nor is it a genuine pig. Erro-

neously named in the past, people nowadays retain the name, prolonging the mistake with no intention of changing it. Examples of misnomer could be things of any kind, ranging from adora-ble domestic pet to exotic wildlife. Horned toad, taxonomically speaking, is far from the category of toad—despite its slight resemblance to a frog-like creature—it is essentially a lizard.

Misnomers could come from different sources, not the least of which is the similarity of appear-ances or natures. Things are inaptly named since their appearances are misleading. Koala bear looks very much like a bear, yet it falls within the class of marsupials. Of course, there are also other origins. For eggplants, I could not imagine an originally purplish veggie to look like an egg.

Indeed, misnomers are ubiquitous, though we often are unaware of them. Believe it or not, the very magazine that you, my dear readers, are flip-ping through is also a misnomer. Caduceus, what a difficult name. But what is more difficult to comprehend is the reason of using such symbol to represent the medical career. Caduceus, a staff with two snakes and a pair of wings, is argua-bly one of most oft-cited symbols for medicine even though its relevance is notoriously dubious. Perhaps it is confused with another symbol—the Rod of Asclepius, a less elegantly-looking stick with only a single serpent.

Digressing slightly, I’d like to discuss the Greek mythological origins of the two symbols and the meanings behind them. Caduceus is a staff carried by Hermes, the messenger of the gods. The staff is entwined by two snakes, and some-times surmounted by a pair of wings. It is gener-ally recognized as a symbol of commerce and negotiation, and occasionally associated with theft and deception. On the other hand, the Rod of Asclepius was wielded by the god Asclepius, a deity associated with healing and medicinal arts. Mistaking a symbol of monetary transaction for

a symbol of the noble art of healing—either out of ignorance or on purpose—is the last thing our respectable professors would like to see, aside from half the class skipping lectures and the newly-introduced, well-intentioned Medical Humanity programs. (Right?)

Alas, what’s being sarcastic here is that over the past few centuries, physicians are required to be accurate, if not impeccable, in their actions. These skills and attitudes are addressed, promoted and cultivated in the medical school. In light of this, a mistake like this is hardly venial and forgivable, not to mention how embarrassing it will be if it faces the public in international medical events, perhaps organised by AMSAHK, the logo of which, by the way, has only one serpent.

Let me pause here. I am slightly aware of the irony. Technically speaking, it is not so much a misnomer as a misrepresentation of symbol. The editorial board simply used the wrong symbol rather than gave a ridiculously horrible name for an originally sacred cane. But in a broader sense, it can be argued, rather sensibly, that it (still) is a misnomer in the sense that an inappropriate name is given to a magazine, the contents of which are mostly contributed by denizens of the HKU medical community.

It is, however, not as easy to change the name as we think, they believed. Once, I had the opportu-nity to talk to the honourable Caduceus commit-tee members about the issue, and it was then revealed that the problem had once been exam-ined and investigated into. Yet, it ended in vain largely due to the fact that not only they them-selves, but the Medical Society, who supposedly should have righted the wrong, has also displayed an inexplicable fondness for adopting the wrong symbol. However, with all due respect, this is no good reason for overlooking such serious and long-standing lapsus calami, so to speak.

In face of such a seemingly insurmountable political barrier, renaming seems to be all but impossible for the time being. All but. Whether it

MISNOMERBy Bryan Lee

27

*HUMANITIES*

can meet their loyal readers with an entirely new face in the future largely depends on the collec-tive efforts of committee members. While Cadu-ceus’ role in facilitating ideas exchange is certainly laudable, I sincerely hope it will also look into the matter seriously. But if the Medical Society and other corresponding societies show absolutely no interest in this, I see no reason to break my neck. I clearly understand that they might have their own difficulties that may not be so conspicuous to outsiders (i.e. me). But then, should we decide to retain the unfortunate mistake, next time when we swear the Hippocratic Oath, we should adopt the following, revised version:

I swear by Apollo the physician, and Hermes, for his cunning and shrewdness in commerce, that, according to my ability and judgement, I will keep this oath and this contract ...

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太陽伯伯高高地掛在天上，白雲姐姐靜靜地倚在一旁，一道七色彩虹與他們遙遙

相對。美麗的天空，令熱鬧的草園顯得更加生氣勃勃。羚羊在草原上拔足狂奔，河馬在河中悠閒游泳，旁觀的長頸鹿抬起頭吃着樹上的果實，一切都來得多麼和諧。

兒科病房牆上的圖畫色彩斑斕，生機處處，但病房內的孩子卻在承受着小孩不應受到的苦。兒科病房，從來都是一個矛盾的地方。正正因為這原因，兒科醫生更渇望可以為病童送上歡樂與健康。

「早晨，婷婷。」

「早晨，Peter仔。」

每天早上九時，兒科病房就會傳來一把嬌滴滴的聲音。小晴在巡房的時候，總愛在臉上掛起一個燦爛的笑容，跟每位病人熱情地打聲招呼。

小晴小時候體弱多病，經常出入醫院，全賴媽媽悉心照顧，她才可以健康成長，所以她很愛她的媽媽，亦因為這個原因，她自小便決心要當一位兒科醫生，幫助其他憂心忡忡的家長醫治及照顧他們的兒女。雖然小晴算不上非常聰明，但她很勤奮，最終憑着一個理想，一份幹勁，及來自媽媽的一份愛，她成功當上了女皇醫院的兒科醫生。

圓滾滾的大眼睛、左額上的斜斜瀏海，加上面頰上的淡淡雀斑，令她看起來比真實年齡更為稚嫩年輕。加上小晴性格活潑可愛，經常事無大小都哈哈大笑，令她更顯得孩子氣。醫院的孩子們都很喜歡她，大家似乎都被這位傻大姐的笑聲所感染。因為小晴，本應死氣寂寂、愁雲慘淡的病房卻總是滿載笑聲。

「早晨，樂樂。」

小晴面前的這位小孩卻垂下了頭，似乎不想與任何人有眼神接觸。樂樂今年六歲，患有亞氏保加症（Asperger syndrome），一種自閉症譜系障礙。雖然他的智力健全，但他的社交卻出現嚴重障礙。他非常害怕與他人接觸，除

了與父母外，他從不與其他人說話。

樂樂在約一個月之前開始咳嗽，胃口也差了，家長帶過他去看家庭醫生。家庭醫生認為那只是一般的上呼吸道感染，因此只為他處方了一些止咳藥。然而，他的病情並沒有好轉，更越來越嚴重，有時候甚至會咳出血絲。數天前，樂樂更咳出了一大杯約 200毫升的鮮血，於是他被即時送進女皇醫院的兒科病房。

小晴對樂樂的第一印象就是，他很瘦削，很矮小。陪着樂樂的是他的母親，穿着粉黃色毛衣與藍色牛仔褲的她擁有一雙貓兒般的眼睛，閃動着慈愛光輝。小晴心想，她一定是個慈祥的好母親。

小晴立即為樂樂度高磅重及做做一些基本檢查，發現他高 102厘米，重 13公斤，以他的年齡來說，兩者皆低於第 5百分位數（5th percentile），明顯比同年紀的小孩來得細小。另外，他的結膜蒼白，顯示他有貧血，同時也有點水腫。呼吸系統的檢查發現他兩邊肺部偶爾有囉音（Crepitations），其他身體系統則大致正常，也沒有發燒。

「我先為樂樂安排一些血液檢查及拿痰液樣本去化驗吧，另外我也會為他照一張肺部 X光片。」小晴對憂心忡忡的母親解釋道。

「樂樂，不用擔心呀。」小晴輕輕地拍拍樂樂的頭，然後露出一個甜甜的笑容。樂樂的神情卻依舊冷漠，沉默的他凝望着牆上的圖畫，不發一言。

數天後，檢查都已經完成了。小晴閱讀着檢查結果，她閱讀時就愛架起一副紫色的粗框眼鏡，睁起圓圓的大眼睛。戴着眼鏡的她更顯稚氣，活像《IQ博士》中的小雲。

樂樂的痰液樣本大致正常，驗不到結核（Tuberculosis）菌及其他細菌。結核菌素皮膚測試（Tuberculin skin test）也同樣正常。肺部X光則發現兩面的中及下肺葉皆有彌漫性肺泡型浸潤（Diffuse alveolar infiltrate）。

然而，那份血液檢查報告卻令小晴原本

神醫的煩惱 3M15 史丹福

29

*札記 *

已經很大的雙眼睁得更大——那是一份出人意表，令她始料不及的報告。樂樂有貧血，他的血紅蛋白（Hemoglobin）只有 6.7g/dL，MCV 82 fL，但白血球及血小板數量皆為正常。肝功能報告卻顯示他的白蛋白（Albumin）嚴重過低，只有 1.2 g/dL（正常：3.5-5.5 g/dL）；AST及 ALT卻過高，分別為 62 U/L（正常 6歲小孩：15-50 U/L）及 43U/L（正常 6歲小孩：10-25 U/L）；凝血酶原時間（Prothrombin time）也比正常長了數秒。腎功能則全部正常，也沒有驗到蛋白尿（Proteinuria）。另外，c-ANCA、p-ANCA等的抗體檢查都正常，顯示他應該沒有得到肺腎綜合症（Pulmonary-renal syndrome）之類的疾病。

「看來樂樂咳血的問題很嚴重呀，貧血得很厲害，可能要準備輸血了。唉呀，不過明明一個肺部問題，為何肝功能如此不正常呢？」小晴鼓起腮幫，自言自語道。苦無頭緒的她只好為樂樂安排更多肺部及肝臟的檢查。

之 後 進 行 的 支 氣 管 肺 泡 沖 洗（Bronchoalveolar lavage） 檢 查 發 現 有 血鐵 質 沉 積 在 巨 噬 細 胞（Hemosiderin laden macrophage）內，顯示樂樂的肺泡出現持續性出血。腹部超聲波檢查則顯示肝臟及其他腹腔內的器官全部正常。

「早晨，樂樂。」

小晴也沒有再期望得到回應了，只不過見人便說「早晨」是她自小養成的習慣，她也很自然地繼續下去。

之後，她把臉轉回一直陪伴在樂樂身旁的母親，「我們已經做過很多檢查，都找不到樂樂咳血的原因。我們懷疑這情況是由一個名叫自發性肺血鐵質沉積症（Idiopathic pulmonary hemosiderosis）的病所引起的，這個病的原因不明，我們先試試類固醇治療，看看反應如何吧。至於肝功能的問題，我們亦尚未找到原因。」

「好吧，你一定要盡力醫好樂樂呀！樂樂全靠你了。」樂樂母親的聲音發抖，那雙慈愛的眼睛溢出了絲絲憂慮。

其實小晴當然明白她的擔憂，所謂「養兒一百歲，長憂九十九」，兒子得了一個奇怪又罕見的疾病，連醫生都未能肯定病因，母親當然

會憂心不已。想着想着，小晴又不禁回想起小時候體弱多病的自己，以及經常照顧她、愛護她的媽媽……

這幾天，兒科新收的小孩病情都較為簡單及容易處理。小晴看着一個個小童痊癒，一個個小童恢復健康，臉上再度掛起無憂無慮的笑容，唯獨樂樂卻一直躺在病床上，飽受病魔的折磨，怎會不令人黯然？

「早晨，樂樂。」

小晴可愛的瞼上依舊掛上一個如陽光般的熱情笑容，但她心中一隅，卻痛心得很。假如樂樂沒有得到亞氏保加症，並懂得以說話去表達自己，也許她可以為他做更多？

「咳……咳……」

伴隨着咳嗽聲的是幾滴鮮血，看來類固醇治療的效果並不理想，樂樂咳血的問題也沒有多大的改善。小晴已經不知道她可以如何幫助他。

突然小晴的腦海中浮現了一個人……

Cafe de Sandia，城中著名的意大利餐廳，一室金黃色調的高雅設計，加上那可遠眺海港景色的落地大玻璃，令餐廳別有一番浪漫情調。現場的小提琴樂手正奏出悠揚悅耳的旋律，細聽之下，那是 Trademark的《Only love》。（《妙心仁心》也曾經用過這首動人的歌曲當配樂）餐廳醉人的情調吸引了無數的情侶慕名而來。

餐廳的一角，坐着一對男女。女的嬌小可愛，帶點孩子氣，正是小晴。男的外表斯文穩重，年輕有為，一表人才，當然就是史醫生了。

「幹嘛帶我來如此浪漫的餐廳呀？」史醫生有點不自然地問道。

「你說過你喜歡意大利菜嘛，所以特意請你吃呀。我 openrice過，這間意大利餐廳是全香城最受歡迎的。」小晴露出一個甜甜的微笑，她笑起來露出了她的小犬齒，很是可愛。

「史醫生，你怕醜嗎？」小晴單一單眼睛，然後凝望着他。

「怎麼會呢？」史醫生沒好氣地說道。「小

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30

晴獻殷勤，非奸即盜。快說，有甚麼事要我幫忙？」

「唉呀，你可否有情調一點呢？人家女孩子特意請你吃意大利菜，你又不領情。難怪你到現在還是單身。」小晴鼓着腮幫抱怨着。

史醫生笑笑，然後作狀要拍小晴的頭，小晴立即雙手抱頭，裝出一副害怕的模樣。「好了好了，不要欺負我啦，又會弄到我的髮夾，我已經弄了很久呀。我跟你說就好了。我有個病人得了個麻煩的病，我想不到病因呀。」

「為甚麼不與兒科顧問醫生或者教授們討論？兒科可不是我的強項啊。」史醫生抓一抓頭，疑惑地問道。

「最近有一個國際性兒科會議在美國舉行，高級的醫生都去了參加會議呀。反正史醫生你是醫學百科全書，甚麼奇難雜症都難不到你呢，就給我一點建議吧。」小晴合起雙掌，裝出一個懇求的樣子。

「好吧。」史醫生無可奈何地答應了，於是小晴便把樂樂的情況詳盡地告訴史醫生，史醫生聚精會神地聽着。

「你要看看樂樂的肺部 X光片嗎？」小晴拿出一個啡色公民袋問道。「不過基本上就是diffuse alveolar infiltrate，沒有其他特別發現。」

史醫生拿出 X光片放在桌上的燭光前，全神貫注地看着它，不願意放過任何微細的線索。突然，他指向了背骨的位置，「你覺不覺得這兒的骨質密度太低？」

「啊！我之前都沒有留意。我果然沒有找錯人！」小晴的雙眼即時流露出仰慕的神情，這麼微小的細節，全醫院恐怕只有史醫生才看得到。「但到底是甚麼令骨質密度降低？」

史醫生繼續緩緩地說出自己的見解，他的聲線很沉實，令人很安心。

「我覺得比較像乳糜瀉（Celiac disease），一種由麥膠（Gluten）引起的自身免疫小腸疾病。疾病令樂樂小腸受損，所以不能正常地吸收營養，因此他遠比同齡兒童瘦小。他的小腸吸收不到蛋白質，血液中的白蛋白自然會低，並引起水腫。他不能正常吸收維生素 K去製造凝血

因子（Clotting factors），所以凝血酶原時間也延長了。同樣道理，他的小腸吸收不到鈣質，所以骨質密度也會受到影響。

另外，一般純粹由流血而引起的貧血理應是小血球性貧血（Microcytic anemia），而樂樂所得的卻是正常血球性貧血（Normocytic anemia）。那是因為他不能正常吸收鐵質及維生素 B12，所以即使他的造血功能也受到影響，紅血球的平均大小卻依然維持正常。」

這時小晴覺得自己簡直就像跟諸葛亮聊天一樣，「那肝酵素呢？」

「腸臟黏膜受到該病破壞，所以有害毒素、抗原及一些引起發炎的物質都可以經腸臟去到肝臟，令肝酵素上升。不過我卻依然想不通他為何會咳血？」史醫生皺了一皺眉頭，他的理論始終有一個缺憾。

小晴看着史醫生苦惱的表情，自己也努力思考，想填補這個關鍵的漏洞。

「啪！」小晴突然拍了一拍桌面。「我想到了！沒錯，就是乳糜瀉！」她興奮地尖叫起來。

她拍桌子的及尖叫的聲音引起了附近數對情侶的注意，他們同一時間把視線落在小晴身上。小晴似乎也察覺到自己的失儀，她伸一伸舌頭，臉頰紅得像紅蘋果一樣。

「我要先走了。謝謝你，史醫生，你是我的恩人。再見。」小晴已經站了起來，想要離開。

「你不是說請我吃飯嗎？」史醫生無奈地問到。

「對呀。你先幫我付款吧，我下次再把錢還給你。」小晴單一單眼睛。

「你就要我自己一個坐在這間四周都是情侶的餐廳吃飯嗎？」史醫生都不知道該如何反應。

「算我欠你一個人情吧。」小晴從側肩袋中拿出兩張印有比卡超圖案的便條紙。「你把想要的東西寫在便條紙上，貼在我看得到的地方，我會盡力滿足你的心願以報答你。這兒有兩張便條紙呀，就當給你一個額外願望，這樣可以了吧？」接着她便一蹦一跳地離開了。史醫生只能拿着便條紙，無奈地看着她的背影。

31

*SCRIBBLES*

「被女朋友拋棄了嗎？」一位餐廳的待應拍一拍史醫生的肩膀。「不要太難過吧，天涯何處無芳草。」他對史醫生投下了一個同情的目光，史醫生都不知道該如何解釋，只能報以一個苦笑。這就是「啞巴吃黃蓮，有苦自己知」吧？

小晴飛快地趕回醫院，向樂樂媽媽解釋，「樂樂所得的病是乳糜瀉，一種小腸疾病，疾病令樂樂不能正常地吸收營養，因為缺乏營養，所以身體不同系統便會出現異常。因為不知明的原因，乳糜瀉有時候會伴隨自發性肺血鐵質沉積症一起出現，我們稱之為 Lane-Hamilton綜合症。我會為樂樂安排抗體測試與小腸組織檢查去肯定。不過治療方面，樂樂只要避免進食含有麥膠的食物，也就是各種麥類食物，他很快就可以康復了。」

小晴看見樂樂媽媽那鎖起的眉頭終於鬆了起來，「謝謝你，小晴醫生。」

一星期後，樂樂的病房已經好轉了不少，他已經再沒有咳血，也好像長了一點肉，沒有以前瘦削。

「早晨，樂樂。」

小晴望向樂樂母親，她懸着的一顆心似乎終於落地了，她朝樂樂慈祥地笑了一笑，那個笑容滿載着溫馨的母愛。小晴也從心感覺到那暖暖的幸福感。

「早晨，小晴姐姐。」

小晴及樂樂母親二人同時驚訝地望向樂樂，只見樂樂對小晴露出了一個天真的笑容。那是小晴第一次聽到樂樂的聲音，也是她第一次看見樂樂的笑容。

小晴大吃了一驚，樂樂母親卻已經感動得雙眼通紅了，她捉着小晴的手說道：「小晴醫生，今次是樂樂第一次跟陌生人說話啊，你不但醫好了她的病，也醫好了她的心，感謝你。不知你有沒有留意，不少生病的小孩住進這病房之後都會漸漸笑出來，他們笑也全因為你。我想，令樂樂改變的就是你對病人那份鍥而不捨的愛。」

小晴覺得有一陣暖流流進了她的心坎。小

晴一向都不算特別聰明，如果不是史醫生提醒，她也不會想到乳糜瀉，然而她卻以真心對待每一位病人。原來要成為一個好醫生，並不需要最高明的醫術，需要的只是一顆真誠的心與無私的愛。

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《農曆新年・獨留家中的老翁》P15 彭錦兒

「香港早晨祝大家新年快樂。」

啊，今天就是年初一了。

因年紀大而記憶力退化的老翁從電視新聞才記起今天是大年初一。

昨天是年三十，兒女也好像沒有回家吃團年飯。

他們有多久沒有回家探望老翁呢？一年？兩年？五年？

他們都好像結婚了，如果有孩子的話，應該是上幼稚園了。

對，孫兒們都三、四歲了。

然後，在年初一，孫兒們都會回來跟他拜年。

還在牙牙學語的孫兒們向老翁拜年和送上盛載着祝福的禮盒。

他抱起了孫兒，然後逐一為子女和孫兒送上利是。

老翁準備了好吃的瓜子、糖冬瓜、糖蓮子。他不曉得孫兒們會否喜歡吃，但他希望把這些傳統賀年食品——介紹給他們。

孫兒先從全盒中取出黑瓜子。由於乳齒還未有長齊，他們很難吃到瓜子肉。

子女們便體貼地為孫兒們咬開瓜子殼，然後把瓜子肉喂給他們吃。就跟昔日老翁和已經過生的太太一樣對待他們的子女。

良久，孫兒們都肚子餓了，大吵大嚷起來。

老翁緩步跚跚地走入廚房，打算煎一些糕點給大家吃。

女兒憂心忡忡地叫他不要太操勞。老翁回答自己並不累。

能夠見到子女帶着孫兒們來探望自己，老翁覺得再辛苦也值得。

然後，他揣着一大碟的煎年糕、煎蘿蔔糕和煎芋頭糕到客廳給大家品嘗。

今天子女和孫兒們的胃口特別大，不消一回，已經把餐桌上的糕點一掃而空。

然後，老翁再興致勃勃地走入廚房，打算再多煮一些糕點給大家吃。

等他煎好以後再捧出客廳，才發覺——

餐桌上只剩下冷冰冰的糕點。

而電視，則是在播放着合家歡的賀年劇集。

節目中的主人翁從餐桌上夾了一塊椰汁年糕到他家人的飯碗裏，

微笑着説道：

「爸爸，祝您新年快樂、身體健康。」

33

凜冽寒冬，一群書友，暫且於假日拋開書本的包袱，到梅窩尋求心靈上的慰藉。

這裏交通尚算方便，由中環坐快船，不消三十分鐘即可到達；也有人選擇陸上之霸——巴士，由東涌出車，途經迂迴山路，有「良辰美景，盡收眼底」的霸氣。回想當初，未盡開發的大嶼山，交通不算發達。臨海的梅窩，便成大嶼山居民離島出城的好去處。可惜，現在回望這碼頭，昔日風采早已減退了。剩下的一片片寂靜，連帶一點點哀愁，很難想像，那是從前興旺昌盛的中轉站。

在碼頭附近覓食，無論是大型超市抑或是小型士多，均是你的必然選擇。手提幾袋食物，腳步依然輕盈。腳踏如浮雲，身輕如飄雪，談着笑着，偶爾會夾雜幾聲狗吠貓啼。

友人老家很懷舊，從玄關至家中各種擺設，皆散發出上幾個年代的韻味，想必也經歷許多。走到第二層，露台欄杆不可挨近。事實上，更多的事物，皆是名存實亡。沒有鋼根水泥，仍是擺着一副堅穩不倒的老舊架子。要不是友人提醒，旁人無從得知。我步步為營地走，來來回回，又不敢向下望。停下之際，就發現正在被蔭密樹頂包圍。

午後，冬日陽光不太猛烈，越過叢林，天色恰好與遙遠的山構成一幅中國畫。它們並不造作，沒有浮誇，隨心所欲，散發淡雅之味。回到當前，閃閃亮亮的果蠅誘惑着眼球。它在

躺在枝椏上享受日光浴，像樓下幾隻貓狗。

腳踏如浮雲，身輕如飄雪。

那是一個城中少見的樂島，少了人煙，多了寧靜。這天萬里無雲，天異常的澄清，似清水中的魚眼。入夜後，一群人摸黑前進燒烤場。途經洪聖古廟，有陰森冷清之感，難以想像天光人潮湧現的境況。時勢不同，自有另一番體會。幸得街燈以柔光照耀和幾位好友以熱情相伴，就算天再暗、路再黑，心內暖流依然迴轉。驀然回首，可會察覺，半月朝你似笑非笑。最遠的，其實一直在你附近。

人生在世，有些時候，總需要懷緬一下曾經。以往的日子，走了便不復再來。唯有活在當下，感懷已去的人事，令自己身心安康些。

遊島・情　（二）N18 沈熹綎

*札記 *

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腳踏如浮雲，身輕如飄雪。

梅窩，會被我自私自利地稱之為老地方。它就是有那麼一種韻味，令人牽腸掛肚地思念。那是一個給我無限懷想的國度，身旁的一切，仿佛也衝擊着我的記憶。老地方，不一定是我們一度留守的，那裏只要有一條無形的線，牽引着你的思緒，觸發你對往事的追憶，令你仿如在雲上遊走，輕飄飄地回到當時。

看到友人的聲如洪鐘的老人家，我不由自主地牽掛起自家同樣體魄強健的老人。他們想必也思念着故鄉，對於舊日的簡樸情懷，一直念念不忘，只是藏於心坎。奈何，我卻對回鄉提不起一絲興趣。我心馳神往的，偏偏是陌生的國度，說起來有些滑稽。

兒時午後的時光，都是與老人在公園打發。小孩玩的玩，老人坐的坐。那時那刻，是公園的捧場客。當中的每一點，每一滴，會如寒冬裏頭的第一場毛毛細雨，催人相互取暖，打不散我們的情感，吹不散我們的牽掛。細膩動人的情景再度上映。日復日，年復年，水珠隨着斜坡滾下，來到密不透風的水窪。孩子的臉孔換了一批又一批，新長成的大人也不就在市區聚集嗎？唯獨老人由始至終位置未變，他們審視細察勞碌族群，像回看自己的人生閱歷，別有另一番風味。

怕狗的我，此刻不禁壯起膽來。儘管前路茫茫，但願那可貴的回憶一直在我心田流動，一直陪伴着我遊走未來。

35

面對眼前一份份的筆記，即使眼皮變得多沉重，我仍然繼續撐着眼皮在這個寂靜

的深夜裏挑燈夜讀。我知道，只要我合上眼睛，不顧一切進睡後，我明天將會面對着什麼。在這個寂靜的夜陪伴着我的除了有媽媽為我燉煮的滋潤湯品外，還有從中學時期一直陪伴我長大的「康熙來了」。是的，小 S還有蔡康永的聲音已陪伴我度過無數個埋頭苦幹的晚上。

其實我只是希望有一些熱鬧的歡笑聲充斥着房間，沖淡一下那無窮無盡的筆記所帶來的憂愁。正當我被一個個陌生的生字煩擾之際，喇叭裏傳來了一句話，將我從字海中救了出來，使我不得不將時間軸往回拉——閱讀了整個故事……

那一年的週末，我看到一戶美國人家的房子門前的草地上擺滿了鍋碗瓢盆，準備要賣。我看見一個半個人高的芭比娃娃，下面帶着輪子，可以走動，可以跳舞。我很想擁有她。我向那一家的爸爸問價，他開價廿七美金。我心想：「太便宜了！」「我要她了。」我說，順便掏出 27美金遞給爸爸。爸爸卻說：「噢不，不是跟我交易，是跟我的女兒，這個芭比娃娃是她的。」在他身後是他的女兒，一個胖胖的小姑娘。我走上台階，把錢遞給小姑娘。「你多大了？」我問她。「11歲。」她的聲音還帶着稚氣。她說這個娃娃是有名字的，她叫 Dancing Barbie。「你為什麼要賣掉她？」我好奇地問，要知道現在這麼大個的芭比娃娃在市面上很難找；即使有賣的，價錢也不會便宜。「因為我長大了，我不能再玩洋娃娃了，我要拿賣掉玩具的錢去買捲髮器。」小姑娘望着我認真地說。「就這樣，就在這個台階上，我和一個 11歲的小姑娘交換了青春。我不想長大，而她想長大。」

我把這句說話重重覆覆的聽了不下十次，就是這一句——輕輕地撥動了我心中的一條弦。

大學的第一年就要過去了，但我還停留在中學的時代。儘管籃球場已經拆了、有些老師已經離職了、熟悉的班房已被另一群學生進駐了，但我仍想捉住那青春的尾巴。我很清楚明白到自己並不想長大，但無可奈何，六年的光

陰一瞬即逝，難道我還要賴着一個已經不屬於我的地方嗎？可笑的是，只是在短短的一年前，入讀大學是我夢寐以求的夢想，現在的我怎麼想走回頭路了？

所以，在這一年內，我不由自主地在與別人交換青春。

我為中小學生補習，除了為了賺取外快外，我更享受將過往所學的知識從我潛意識中抽取出來的過程。不能否認，當我能將知識鉅細無遺地娓娓道來的時候，一種莫名的優越感會隨之而生。但對我而言，令我引以自豪的並不是我的記憶力有多強，而是在講解的過程背後所藏着的過去三年，我與一群同學在班房中的笑聲、同學的鼻鼾聲、老師的責罵聲。我害怕我會隨着時間的流逝將其淡忘，所以我選擇將它不厭其煩地向學生解釋。一遍、一遍又一遍，我用自己的知識與學生交換青春，因為他們要長大、要升班，而我——卻不想長大。

每逢母校有什麼邀約，我一定準時出席。最近，母校舉辦了一個升學講座，邀請了歷屆畢業生上台，分享對聯招選科的心得。現在看，當時所有的苦惱已是過眼雲煙了，而其實所有的心得亦都是老師教授給我們的，究竟我回去可以分享甚麼？儘管如此，我還是毫不猶豫地答應了。在台上，我所做的只是呼籲師弟妹做好老師要求他們的事，但是眼前浮現的是我和整班同學在課室翻閱比教科書還厚的升學手冊，跟左鄰右里熱烈地討論自己的選擇。每次想到這畫面，嘴角總是不自覺地上揚，取笑自己當時為什麼會那麼惆悵。分享完畢，師弟妹一窩蜂地向我們圍過來，問我們放榜、重讀、面試的事；我逐題逐題為他們提供意見，我用自己的經歷與學生交換青春，因為他們要升讀大學，而我——卻想回到中學時期。

交換——用我所擁有的來換取我所想的。我可以擁有知識、金錢、經歷，但唯一捉不着的是青春。為了找尋青春，我要做的是增加我擁有的本錢，所以……

我喝光了湯品後，又拿起筆記了 。

交換青春P17 津露

*SCRIBBLES*

CADUCEUS

36

那是個怎樣的一夜？

案頭的燈早已熄滅，緊緊的抱膝瑟坐在房間角落。全身力氣傾注於那枚斷續震動的電話上，又震了。明明沒有誰在身旁，仍然要偷摸地把眼角餘光瞥落在通知欄上，又再鎖上螢幕。好不諷刺，忍不住又按下右側旁的鎖鍵，光芒一下子熏染遍於黯寂，從後反射再刺到心房中，指頭遲疑輕輕的撥開劃過螢幕，心頭彷如也被撥開來。每一下按鍵，就冷不防在撥動一下心跳，不規律，亦不跌宕。整個胸口感覺快往內收縮成一顆球，整個人欲要鑽進瓷磚縫間裏……又鎖上了。這是個自虐的行為，像似在觀看鬼片，要怕，也要看。

心話已潑出去了，再也收不回來。憶回剛溜過的一小時，重重地擺下了從前死攥不放的電話。淚本已淌乾，卻又不知覺欶欶流下。立馬拼命蹙蹙眉頭，睜大眼睛，吞嚥唾液，死不要讓淚珠再觸碰臉龐，一碰就會像話語戳破心臟般，碎了，怎樣撿，都撿不回來。

惘然走到街頭上，夜垠的惆悵，與雙眸憂戚地對視着，哽噎，一種存釀了陳年的酸澀蒸蒸冒漫上眼睛。理性和感性的緒縷如蔓藤樣交纏着，纏連着——當時是一股衝動。衝動後，腦袋就儼如被潑醒了，知道了一小時前的自己是如此狂妄，如此荒謬。如果，時光能褪回一小時前，也許，不會如此的殘殤無存 ; 如果，時光能褪回一小時前，也許，這段情誼永遠都不會隨着時光而褪去。但，如果，並沒有如果。明知有些事沒有如果，更沒有結果。可人呢，就這點兒犯賤，特喜歡往火圈裏跳，非要弄得自己狼狽不堪。夢醉醒的罪最大。越被理性追越，就罪惡更甚，兩行痕跡越深顯。越清楚，所以越不捨。不是嗎？其實也應該慶幸，心很痛，因為心肯痛。不過，只有心亡，才能忘。

情已遠，物已非，人已非，事事非，往日不可追。也許就似曼珠沙華般，是無緣唄。那一抹幽瀾的荒涼，怎麼仍要撕破臉龐，為的就是要極盡挽留？塵封的年歲，打開全是潤濕的

記憶，都該讓它們遠遁於時空的帷幕中，隨着聲聲輕曳的時光裏沉睡了吧。踟躕的步履潦倒在如墨的深痕裏，然後，眼蓋無力地向下合上，嘴角再冷冷地向上揚。如無意外，完了吧。

難過的夜。

「夜未央，人離殤，空餘恨，末相忘。」

忘N18 孤亦

37

醫學院三年生活轉眼過去，筆者慶幸無風無浪，平安度過。其中認識到不少人事，

還有很多很多大學生的夢想、年青人的熱情。

入學前，準醫科生都說要幫助病人，要懸壺濟世；進護理系前，必定充滿同情心及同理心。藥劑、中醫、生物醫學類同：大家都對自己未來職業充滿憧憬。入學後，筆者發現有人只是為了穩定工作、合理收入；或者是受不住壓力，不禁懷疑自己的目標；或者漸漸明白理想和現實有太大差距。

要說甚麼「人無夢想，何異於鮓 1」，乃不近人情。皆因現實不如人意，即使一往無前，亦可墮無底深潭。一腔熱血，明知不可為而為之，固然值得敬佩；但有多少人如斯勇敢？大家都怕失敗，怕顛簸，怕貧困。況且機會只有一次，歡樂時光有限。有誰願意孤注一擲？如果夢想滿身銅臭，應得朋友割席；一味追求地位，奈何愛人纏身。有親情、愛情、友情作羈絆，榮譽、地位、金錢為牢籠；多少人懂得選擇？假使心中澄明，「兩個空拳握古今，握住了還當放手」，即便出塵脫俗，不會入世救時，自當明白「是非成敗轉頭空」。夢想抑或現實，其實從來不是一個抉擇；夢想是改變現實，有現實才有夢，難以完全分開兩者。正正因為夢想基於現實，所以受制於現實——所以人生從不完美。

可幸一般年青人尚有丁點志氣，又未能看破紅塵，才有英雄故事。還記得小時候寫《我的志願》，立志成為醫生、護士、警察、老師、消防員、工程師——立志成就一番事業嗎？

很多人進了醫學院，就逐漸忘記自己的初衷。生命神聖、救死扶傷、關懷病人，通通不敵課業、考試、生活。各種經歷環境令人麻木：眼見病房中呻吟不住，病人面黃肌瘦，排泄物臭氣逼人，工作堆積如山；對，他們已變成了工作。坦白說，醫學院壓力猶如巨獸，張牙舞爪；不過醫護工作壓力更大。倘若今日意志消沉，他日君當如何？更何況今日仍可力爭上游，他日中年老年停滯不前，莫怨天尤人。生活抑或生命，由今日開始。

‘ S i c ocu lus, s i c i l l e manus, s i c o ra ferebat’2——但願青年夢想熱情永存。

1. 即鹽醃魚。蘇軾《仇池筆記・盤游飯骨董羹》：「江南人好作盤游飯，鮓、脯、鱠、炙無不有，埋在飯中。」

2. The Aeneid, Virgil; literally ‘the same eyes, the same hands, the same lips’.

‘o mihi sola mei super Astyanactis imago.

sic oculos, sic ille manus, sic ora ferebat;

et nunc aequali tecum pubesceret aeuo.’

(Translated in Project Gutenberg)

‘Thou call'st my lost Astyanax to mind;

In thee his features and his form I find:

His eyes so sparkled with a lively flame;

Such were his motions; such was all his frame;

And ah! had Heav'n so pleas'd, his years had been the same.’

我的志願M16 陳子泰

*札記 *

CADUCEUS

38

夜晚 白晝的嬰兒Shelley Wang

從沒有真正放棄你夜晚 白晝的嬰兒

被我抱在廢墟裏……

拖着長長的影子爬進睡房 在一片田野的邊緣 無恥地吞噬 一切的睡眠和思想；

沿着湖邊像蛇一樣地匍匐爬行；邁着舞女一般的步子輕盈地 穿過正午的廣場； 陽光下扭動的噴泉熙熙攘攘的人流 虛偽的報攤……投向她異樣的目光。

從一棵樹跳到另一棵從一個街區繞到另一個愛情 使路邊的咖啡館 熱鬧非凡；

暗處有甚麼騷動 微光 將她染成藍色倏爾跑向遠處 騎在水渠上像一個頑皮的孩子搖動着她的波光

啊 漠視我的愛人！ 夜晚，與白晝一起 被你拉長。2012/3/31 薄扶林

我將巧克力掰下一塊咀嚼失眠；

和着隔夜的紅酒咽下，苦澀開始蔓延；巧克力的苦與紅酒瑟縮的甜，讓我感覺到你身體的溫暖；在今夜細密的雨的陽台上，一如在細雨之間；

我緊緊縮在雙手之中，幾乎就靠近了……睡眠。

失眠Shelley Wang

39

格林童話有一則故事是這樣的：流離失所的小孩迷走森林，竟在樹叢雜草中偶發

糖果屋——屋身以麵包建成，窗子以糖果造成。聽罷，你可又本能地運用邏輯頭腦，連嘆荒唐：麵包在室溫的保存期限只有三天；若是在冷凍的情況下，七日已達存放麵包的極限；要是添加一種乳酸菌的話，麵包在兩星期後方才發霉。糖果可於半年內維持其味，但用作窗户，風霜細雨，會侵略磨損它們；萬縷陽光，會猛曬融化它們……

矢口否認種種的可能性，一筆抹煞糖果屋的價值，童話的存在感近乎零。

粉綠清涼的房子，不啻夏日裏的薄荷顆粒。小巧的它，因清新灑脫，一洗陰暗沉重。與薄荷糖相去無幾的，還有清雅脱族的少數民女——在日光普照的草坪上，高唱歌頌大自然的民謠；以一顆赤子之心，讓旁人陷入清爽自然的氛圍。此樓散發濃郁芳香的復古氣息；顯然可見，它沒日久失修的堪虞，也沒殘缺不堪的憂患，帶出昔日古樸的韻味，少了陳舊，不失童趣，又略帶昭和風情。

面前的那棟屋，是我由始至終渴望的糖果屋？從小到大，我堅信每人心頭都有一只啄木鳥，負責設計、構造、維修專屬人們的夢想家園。無論是切實完成，抑或是區區的虛構想像，皆可呈現眼前腦中。

吉祥寺的風雅，始於它的建築。每一道橫街，每一間小屋，每一塊磚瓦，毫不掩飾吉祥寺的靜謐美。人在這，倒成了襯托吉祥寺的背景。一事一物，皆有其靈氣，皆有其魂魄。日本風情，最能被吉祥寺體現得淋漓盡致。

為數不少的人，縱使來東京幾趟，素來留戀涉谷的新潮時尚，向來沉醉銀座的華麗闊氣，也不曾停留吉祥寺街頭半步。東京人步行的速度歷來以急快見稱，走十八點二米只需十二點八三秒，速率高達每秒一點四二米，與港人鬥到難分難解。來到吉祥寺，拋開實在的數字，見識她的翛然，路人都無可倖免地受到感染，就連都市人也恍如旅客般清閒，感受日本地道

文化。

吉祥寺，跟文學結下不解之緣。角田光代的作品，一貫流淌女性化思想。再配合吉祥寺的背景，她繼續以真摰感性、精巧細緻的文筆，寫下《ドラママチ》一書。桐野夏生以自身怪裏怪氣的風格，融合吉祥寺柔和氣氛，以《燃燒的靈魂》探討人口老化的城市問題，一洗以往的單調。同時，故事也被數位化成電視劇集，進而搬上大銀幕，獲獎無數。《スキャンダル》（緋聞）一曲，由鄧麗君演繹東京六大景區的都會愛情，原來追溯到八十年代，吉祥寺已獲東京人青睞。老歌雖描繪陳年舊事，卻恰巧呼應今時今日的一句港女名言「男人不壞，女人不愛。」

在吉祥寺徒步一公里，便會到達「三鷹宮崎駿美術館」。在井之頭公園內，在無垠的湖泊上，風光旖旎，船隻在浮動，遊人在攀談。平日，文人吟詩作句。假日，少年寫生作曲。在穿越園林過後，在展示宮崎駿畫作的場所裏，「讓我們一起迷路吧！」。人在跟從美術館的意念，來場藝術鑒賞之時，重溫成長片段，察覺美術館竟是古代和未來交錯互換而成。再一次迷路吧！構思巧妙的宮崎駿，把天馬行空的人物與宇宙空間的天色協調配合——大龍貓處理站務，煤炭球擠滿炭爐。瞥見機器人兵園丁和迴轉樓梯的鳥籠的一瞬，久石讓的名曲再次搔癢耳根，斷斷續續地在耳邊縈繞回蕩。除了宮崎駿，其他動畫家也在館內展覽其作，首當其衝有皮克斯動畫工作室的作品。城牆被整齊茂盛的葉片圍繞，牆外再有另一重樹林。設計者忠於融物於景；景物也就乖乖躍入眾人眼簾。

回到當前，咖啡館位於民居中，處於普通不過的街道，沒有頂天立地的燈箱，沒有誇張失實的口號，並不招搖過市，優哉悠哉、處變不驚的生活態度，是久習而成的，或是潛在意識深處？人皆共知的是，吉祥寺是最讓他們悠然神往的地方。

吉祥寺的「寺」也是如此，一直埋在人心，待人發掘，稍一不慎，便洩露出去。綜合各方調查，吉祥寺榮獲為「東京人最冀望長居的社區」。二零一三年，已是她第五個年頭連獲此譽。

大吉・吉祥・寺N18 萍開

*SCRIBBLES*

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到頭來，心安理得，並不只是居此的城市人，還有我們他們。吉祥寺，終成一群文學家、美術家的理想工作室。這裏務實，實際的地步卻又讓人們安心追逐夢想——一群老人在此地享受小憩片刻的時光，一群小孩在此處尋求方向正確的目標。翹首引領後，可會發現真情流露、純情簡樸的吉祥寺。

吉祥寺的「寺」，此時此刻，蕩然無存。然而，她卻毋庸置疑地在歷史留下芳香足跡。領導當地人在江戶城大興土木的太田道灌，基於一個「吉祥增上」的銅印，故以吉祥之名，築成寺廟。帶着一絲迷信色彩，吉祥寺為社區帶來幸運和祝福。吉祥寺及後雖被燒毀，人卻毋忘帶給他們安定繁榮的源頭。煙消雲散後，他們本着一顆懷念吉祥寺的心，延續對吉祥寺的情懷，把新社區取名為吉祥寺。糖果屋，千真萬確地出現在我的視線範圍內。久藏在腦海深底，怎料，它竟於這天，不留餘地在我跟前豎立。

幸虧房子裏沒有書中所述的巫婆。這間咖啡館，童心滿溢，也是「嬌小靈巧，五臟俱全」的「生」物。它活生生地長久寄居每人心中，歡迎來賓隨時大駕光臨。輕巧窄小的木門，是輕推即開的那種。在那之內，咖啡的誘人苦香，迎着推門而進的人，芬芳馥郁。內裏燈光微弱，照射在木頭上，是咖啡館另類的溫馨送情。細小的咖啡館，實是本土創作家的天地。木製小箱，就滿載着年輕人的創作夢。不少駐館畫家定期運用木牆展示個人作——插畫及繪本家組合Marini、Monteany，就在牆身塗繪，把咖啡館打造成童話王國。天上的繁星與吊燈上映外

太空的一齣舞台劇；身邊的動物和朋友參加森林裏的一個生日會。午後陽光照射在樹葉，我就躺臥在樹影婆娑的蔭蔽下。樹葉的影，重重疊在我的身上，重重印在我的心裏，融入自然。拿着不織布編製而成的餐牌，扮成牛郎織女，讓下午的一場會面，從這咖啡館開始吧！置身誘人思憶途中，我容許自己有一些孩子氣。傻氣，是吉祥寺年輕人的本錢。

長居在此的孩童：孤寂，從不降臨你們身上。背上沉甸甸的背包，你們的活力有增無減，全因有着吉祥寺的和睦安謐。一人回家途中——不曾迷路，不曾被零食引誘，不曾被巫婆拐騙。夾道林蔭中，會發現更多熟悉真摯祥和的家。

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THE LAST STONEM19 Chloe Cheung

“There was once a man who was building a house. After laying the very first stone

and then the foundation of the entire house, slowly but surely the man built his house bit by bit, and finally the day for him to lay the last stone came. Now, the man saw great value in this very last stone because to him, this very stone signifies the finishing of the construction which was just as important as the first stone which marks the beginning of the project. Therefore, he went to the priest and asked him to bless the last stone that was to be laid.”

This was a story told by a father during a bene-diction. Religious as it may seem, it was certainly inspiring.

A lot of the times, we start something afresh; we pretty much look forward to the event. We may be enthusiastic, we may have our hopes high and we might want to do our job the best as we can. Say for the start of every academic year, fuelled by our hopes and aspirations for a new year, we would rush to the store to buy new books because “I’m going to be needing these reference books later”; prepare an assortment of highlight-ers all of different colour because “I want my notes to look cute”; and wrap all the new books in new plastic wrappings because you don’t want your new books to wrinkled.

But looking back at the end of the year, be completely honest to yourself, did you really use any of those reference books you bought? Or the many highlighters you prepared?

Probably, not.

Yes, we love anything that practically screams new at the moment, but we also have the atten-tion span of a child. Within seconds, we would be distracted or bored by whatever it is that we were trying out or doing and in the end we would find ourselves doing nothing and far from the goal that we had planned to accomplish at the beginning.

At the beginning of the semester, we may promise ourselves that we would study our lecture notes right away after lecture, clear away any miscon-ceptions that we may have and look up the things that we do not understand too well. Albeit the plans we made though, just a few weeks after the start of the semester, we would already set aside our notes, promising yet again that we would find time to study then heading off to do whatever that pleases our minds at that moment. And as time goes by, we would find ourselves more and more surrounded by our common core home-work, jong duties and the many lunches and dinners with our friends and acquaintances. So busy are we that we simply do not have the time to study, or so we say. By the end of the year, we would finally find ourselves at the table, trying to cramp a year’s worth of knowledge into our brain for our exams. We would regret our previous year’s actions and then pledge that in the coming year, we would not repeat our same mistakes. And then next year comes, the cycle repeats itself again.

Starting something is really easy, but being committed to the work you’re doing to the very end, now that’s much harder. Girls are always saying, “oh, I’m going to start my diet tomor-row”, and then they might eat less or exercise for a few days. However, many lack the willpower

*札記 *

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to continue with their plan and will eventually drop out halfway. There’s a Chinese saying that describes these turns of things, starting like a tiger and ending like a snake (虎頭蛇尾). So if you truly would like to succeed, then it’s best to avoid giving up and stick to your plans!

Yet, sticking to the very end is not the ulti-mate goal, finishing your work well is. Finishing something can be very easy, you only need to sit through the entire thing and wait for time to pass. But to be able to finish it well, that takes a lot of effort. So we can just sit there and wait for the year to pass and then the next year to come and go or we can put an effort and try our very best in everything we do. Of course, there are always things that we may not be able to achieve and other factors may easily affect the outcome; but at least you tried, right?

Like the man who blessed the last stone, we should view the end just as crucial as the begin-ning is and try our very best to the very end.

Being able to stick to the very end for every single

thing that you participate in, it’s an attitude. So now that a new academic year has just arrived, maybe it’s time to start a new plan for the year and try to stick with it.

SPECIAL THANKS TO:

Mr. Tony Wong, Past District Governor of Rotary District 3450

Ms. Rosa Pang, Past President of Rotary Club of Happy Valley

Ms. Wendy Mung, Past President of Rotary Club of Happy Valley

Ms. Eva Xu