By: Walter DeKock

Once upon a time, in a mystical forest called Central Park, there was a tortoise and there was a hare. Both were odd animals. The hare always seemed to be sleeping even though there was no reason for it. The tortoise was always taking a long time because he felt like he had to do actions over and over again.

1,2,3,4,5,6…ZZZZ…

One day, squirrel, who is continually hyperactive (1) and spacey, had a rare stroke of genius because he finally remembered to take his medication (2). He said, “Why don’t we have a race to see who is the fastest animal in all of the Forrest?”

1 – Hyperactivity is an increased or abnormal amount of energy that results in inattentiveness, distraction, and increased activity levels.

2 – Medication is a chemical or substance consumed with the goal to treat and illness or disease. Usually administered by a medical professional

Surprised by Squirrel’s ingenuity and not to be outdone by a mere rodent, Snake said, ”I propose, and it is my proposal that everybody should follow because I am the epitome of intelligence in the animal world, that there be race of prospective animals in each kingdom.”

“Realizing that his ilk would be left out of the race, Goldfish protested, “I know what you are trying to do! You’re after all of us fish and are trying to get rid of us all.” Snake replied calmly, “My idea is far superior to all others. This is because I am the greatest.” Disgruntled, Goldfish went back to his pond and tried to eat bits of floating food that only he could see while trying to ignore the voices telling him to go over the waterfall.

After the short exchange between Snake and Goldfish, Starling nervously asked, “Are the birds allowed to race?” “No,” Snake replied, “Birds would be able to fly, hardly a fair race then? Please do not bother me with such silly questions you flighty fool, I am far too important.” Startled and downtrodden, Starling started to hyperventilate (3) and had to be helped home by her friend Finch.

3 – Hyperventilation is increased breathing. Usually a symptom of a panic attack or anxiety disorder.

Suddenly, and without warning, Newt, who is usually too sad to come out from under his rock in the stream asked, “Can the Amphibians race?” Snake’s answer was short and succinct, “No, because you slimy creatures cannot live away from water and would shrivel up. Am I the only one that has knowledge of this?” Newt did not reply and merely slunk to his hole under the rock from which he hasn’t been seen exiting for the last month.

Hare, who had been listening to the conversation, interjected, “well I guess that that only leaves the reptiles and mammals as the racers. I will represent the mammals” “You are correct vermin. You may race for the mammals if you so choose,” replied Snake.

“Who will race for the reptiles?” Hare asked. “I will,” Tortoise replied. “I’m sorry I am late, I must have amnesia, I forgot if I turned off the oven and locked the door seven times so it took me a while to get here,” he said. “Well,” Snake snidely said,” I will inform you of the proceedings. Hyperactive Squirrel suggested that we have a race of the animals, I agreed but made the idea better, fish disagreed but went back to his pond to hallucinate (4), Bird fainted because of her anxiety (5), Newt came out and promptly went back to his rock to nurse his self-esteem (6), Hare volunteered to help with our superordinate goal (7), and finally you came late and wasted my time. I need to go look at myself in the pond for an hour. The race will start at dawn tomorrow.”

4 – Hallucination is the perception of sensory input that is not present. Caused by Schizophrenia, chemical substances, exhaustion, etc…

5 – Anxiety is a psychological and physiological state characterized by bodily, emotional, and mental components. Is caused by stressful or worrisome events or situations.

6 – Self-esteem is one’s self worth, or what they value themselves.

7 – Superordinate goals are goals that are achieved through the cooperation of two or more people.

After saying her lengthy overview, Snake slid over to the small pond to look at her reflection, leaving the animals left to socialize about her narcissistic (8) ways.

8 – Narcissism in the psychological sense is an over present self-importance that affects daily interaction and functioning. Is a personality disorder.

The race day came quickly for both Hare and Tortoise. Hare, who hadn’t slept much the night before because of sleep apnea (9), had a bowl of oatmeal to fuel his body and studied the map of the race to move it from his short-term memory (10)to his long-term memory (11). Tortoise likewise did not sleep well because he had been depriving himself of sleep and had REM rebound (12), causing him to dream over and over that he missed the start of the race.

9 – The interruption of sleep caused by lack of oxygen

10 – Storage of memory that has occurred in the recent past. Limited to approximately seven items.

11 – Memory that has been encoded and stored in “spaces” that allow long term retention.

12 – Increased occurrence of REM sleep after REM sleep deprivation

They each left at 5:30, giving themselves plenty of time to reach the starting line by the 6:00 start. Hare got there with plenty of time. Tortoise did not, as he was still missing with five minutes until the start. At 5:59, Tortoise came, huffing and puffing, explaining that he had felt compelled to make sure he had fed his pet rock and returned to his house five times. Snake snottily accepted his apology and proceeded to count down.

Then “Go!” Snake yelled, and they were off. Hare took an early lead, putting a kilometer between himself and Tortoise.

GO!

It looked like it would be a blowout, but suddenly, without warning, Hare fell asleep. He just went limp and became unconscious.

Tortoise, however was perfectly cognizant (13), but had returned to the finish line twice because he had reached a multiple of the number six on his left foreleg and needed to restart counting. These restarts did not make him too slow though, as he passed hare an hour later after some light plodding. Hare’s body, which was clearly visible from the path, went unnoticed because Tortoise had horrible foveal vision (14) and couldn’t wear his glasses while exercising.

13 – Being awake, able to process thought.

14 – The area of vision that allows the clearest, most focused image to be seen. ie- central vision

After another hour Tortoise neared the finish line, his sympathetic nervous system (15) strained to the limit, his body almost in the exhaustion stage of GAS (16).

15 – The part of the nervous system that facilitates the “flight or fight” reflex.

16 – Symptoms of the body caused by stress (Alarm, Resistance, Exhaustion)

The animal’s faces registered shock as Tortoise crested the final hill 20 meters before the finish line. Their overconfidence (17) had caused them to become biased towards Hare winning the race. Their expectations, however shattered, quickly rebounded as they soon began to claim, through hindsight bias (18), that they knew that Tortoise would win all along.

17 – A bias that occurs when one’s confidence is greater than their accuracy.

18 – The assertion that one has “known it all along” after the result is given.

After Hare didn’t show up for another hour, the animals sent a search party to look for him. They found him peacefully sleeping in the grass and brought him to the resident medicine professional: Owl.

Once the search party got to Owl’s office Hare woke up, feeling a bit groggy but overall fine. “What happened?” Hare asked. “We found you passed out on the trail,” Tortoise answered,” I would have seen you but I didn’t have my glasses”.

They entered Owl’s office where he promptly began to examine Hare. He poked him, He prodded him, he practiced on him, he plotted him, he asked how he feels, questioned about his childhood, interpreted his dreams, and finally came to a conclusion.

Hmm… I hypothesize…

“You have narcolepsy (19),” Owl hooed. “Oh no,” Hare said, “I’m going to die.” “Sorry,” said Owl, “after that embarrassing loss you may want to die, but it just means that you will fall asleep from time to time. I’ll prescribe a mild amphetamine (20) to help stimulate your nervous system.”

19 – A disorder in which and individual has difficulties staying awake for long periods of time and will fall asleep without notice.

20 – a psychostimulant that causes increased focus and wakefulness.

so, with the mystery of Hare’s loss solved, daily life went on in the forest called Central Park, with Tortoise checking and rechecking and Hare dozing quietly in the corner.

1,2,3,4,5,6…

THE END