By Laurie BryantMR. LOCKMAN .....popular veteran teacher known 11 for his very loud ties and his...

By Laurie Bryant

© Copyright 2009, by Laura A. Bryant

Professionals and amateurs are hereby warned that a royalty must be paid for every

performance, whether or not admission is charged. All inquiries regarding rights should be addressed to Pioneer Drama Service, Inc., PO Box 4267, Englewood, CO 80155.

Rights to this play—including but not limited to amateur, professional, and translation into foreign languages—are controlled by Pioneer Drama Service, Inc., without whose permission no performance, reading or presentation of any kind in whole or in part may be given.

All other rights in this play, including radio broadcasting, television and motion picture rights, are controlled by LAURA A. BRYANT to whom all inquiries should be addressed c/o Pioneer Drama Service, Inc. PO Box 4267, Englewood, CO 80155-4267.

These rights are fully protected under the copyright laws of the United States of America and of all countries covered by the Universal Copyright Convention or with which the United States has reciprocal copyright relations, including Canada, Mexico, Australia and all nations of the United Kingdom.

COPYING OR REPRODUCING ALL OR ANY PART OF THIS BOOK

IN ANY MANNER IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN BY LAW.

On all programs, printing and advertising, the following information must appear:

1. The full name of the play2. The full name of the playwright3. The following notice: “Produced by special arrangement with

Pioneer Drama Service, Inc., Englewood, Colorado”

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THE RANSOM OF MISS ELVERNA DOWER

By LAURIE BRYANT

CAST OF CHARACTERS(In Order of Speaking)

# of lines

CASEY MATTHEWS ................female student at Preston 117School; bright but unmotivated in school; a schemer who occasionally gets into trouble; lives in shadow of a successful sibling

TIM STACK ............................Casey’s best friend; a bit 84eccentric, but very bright; loyalto Casey, he goes along withany plan

MR. LOCKMAN ......................popular veteran teacher known 11for his very loud ties and hislong rivalry with Miss Dower

PRINCIPAL DONNELLY former (and very average) 126student at Preston School; infi rst full year on the job; frustratedby working in the shadow of the beloved former principal

MS. HAMILTON ......................sarcastic assistant principal; 50resents Donnelly; sees herselfas a tough administrator whoreally runs things

MONTY THE CUSTODIAN ........overdramatic and overworked 20guardian of all things mechanicalat school; fancies himself anengineer on a Star Trek spaceship

MRS. POST ...........................teacher 10MRS. BENTLEY .....................teacher 10HILDA ...................................school secretary; has seen it all 16

over the yearsMISS HIGHTOWER .................high strung and by-the-book 36

teacher’s union representative; outspoken and very critical of Principal Donnelly

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ERIK THE VIKING ...................mascot for the school football 21team; fancies himself a descendent of real Viking warriors

MICHELLE .............................very Italian cousin to Erik; loud 12and brassy transplant from Brooklyn; dreams of being an actress

MYRA LYMAN ........................bossy PTA president; former 24corporate exec who depends onher personal assistants to remember small details like the name of her own daughter

COACH SEAVER .....................fi rst-year physical education 12teacher; calm and realistic; friendly with Principal Donnelly

ANDRE/ANDREA....................trendy, hip and effi cient 9personal assistant to Myra

CAPTAIN PETERS ...................former US Marine, now in 19charge of the PTA bake sale;hasn’t quite adapted to life outside the military

RAPHAEL/RAPHAELLA ...........trendy, hip and effi cient 7personal assistant to Myra

PTA PARENTS 1-3 ..................volunteers at PTA bake sale, 8bullied by Captain Peters

EXTRAS……………………… ..STUDENTS, PTA PARENTS N/A

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SET DESIGNThe play requires three simple sets that can be done using area staging:HALLWAY: Played in front of the curtain.MAIN OFFICE: May be set up using the main stage area; requires a

secretary’s desk, a counter or long table, a fl ag, a bulletin board and an area that can be used to set up a makeshift bake sale (big enough to add a long table and a few boxes). PTA parents should slowly take over their corner, adding more decorations, signs and items as the play goes on.

BASEMENT STOREROOM: Can be created by using a section of stage apart from the main offi ce set or preferably, by creating a small 4’ x 8’ raised platform set off and just below stage level with an easy step down to suggest a basement. The area should be staged with boxes of various sizes and have a large box or old trunk, piles of old textbooks, a typewriter, a blackboard and maybe even an old clothes rack of theatre costumes. A suggestion of a book room door off the platform is needed to keep Miss Dower in mind, but out of sight. (A stage door on audience level works well and allows Casey and Tim to enter and exit from audience level, keeping the illusion of separation from the offi ce area.) See set design on page 41.

SYNOPSIS OF SCENESThe entire play takes place during the school day on a certain Tuesday last February.

ACT ONEScene One: Hallway.Scene Two: Main offi ce.Scene Three: Basement storeroom.Scene Four: Main offi ce.Scene Five: Basement storeroom.Scene Six: Main offi ce.Scene Seven: Basement storeroom.

ACT TWOScene One: Basement storeroom.Scene Two: Main offi ce.Scene Three: Basement storeroom.Scene Four: Hallway.Scene Five: Main offi ce.Scene Six: Main offi ce.

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THE RANSOM OF MISS ELVERNA DOWER

ACT ONEScene One

LIGHTS UP: A hallway at Preston School, played in front of the CURTAIN.CASEY: (ENTERS with a backpack containing a jacket, gloves, hat and

scarf. To AUDIENCE.) Tuesdays. There is very little point to Tuesdays. It is a well-known fact that nothing important ever happened on a Tuesday, certainly nothing good ever did. And Tuesdays in February are probably the most pointless days in all of history. Dark, cold, not even halfway to Friday—well, research would probably show that most of the bad decisions ever made were made on Tuesdays in February. Your mind just isn’t right. Of course, some February Tuesdays stand out more than others. One in particular was the kind of February Tuesday that will really stick in my memory. Forever. (Strolls in front of the CURTAIN and STUDENTS, including TIM, begin to cross in front as if passing in the hall.) It started out as just another school day. Things were going along as usual. The kids got off the school bus like they did every day, and the hall was fi lled with the usual stampede of students heading for their lockers and gathering in small groups chatting away about the usual school stuff—stuff that seemed dreadfully important until we heard the bell announcing homeroom. (SOUND EFFECT: SCHOOL BELL. STUDENTS FREEZE.) You see, that was the moment we decided to kidnap Miss Dower. (STUDENTS UNFREEZE and begin passing in the hallway. They rub their hands together and mumble about how cold it is in the building. TIM is listening to music on headphones and playing imaginary drums. CASEY moves closer to TIM. OTHER STUDENTS EXIT.) That’s Tim Stack, my best friend. He’s a bit odd, I admit, and people say he walks like a duck, and most people just don’t get his jokes, but I do. (Chuckles.) We even dated briefl y, but that is so third period! Now, we’re just friends again. Anyway, you might say Tim marches to his own drummer. In fact, he is his own drummer. You know how people say that percussionists are somehow different than the rest of us? Well, Tim is different than the rest of us and the rest of them. You know, it’s funny that for years, teachers joked that Tim and I were partners in crime. And then, you know, it really—Well, Miss Dower, that’s our English teacher and the reason we’re all here tonight—taught us that it’s better for writers to show instead of tell. So, I guess the best thing to do is to let you join me back on that fateful February Tuesday. (Puts on a coat and scarf, grabs her backpack.) By the way, my name’s Casey Matthews, and I have an English project due today. (Joins TIM.)

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TIM: Are you ready to give that speech in English today?CASEY: Is anyone ever ready for English? It’s like asking if someone’s

ready to face a fi ring squad.TIM: Yeah, and Miss Dower doesn’t even give you a blindfold.CASEY: You’re telling me. She can slay a student from across the

classroom with a single strike of her tongue.TIM: I never even know what she’s talking about. She uses these

big words all the time. She’s like a walking thesaurus. Yesterday she called me petulant, truculent and recalcitrant all in the same sentence.

CASEY: Ouch. What did you do about it?TIM: What else? (Proud.) I thanked her. Somehow I think she likes

me.CASEY: (Sarcastic.) Certainly sounds like it. (Trying to get him to see

the point.) You know, she insulted Ryan McKeever in homeroom last week and it took him until eighth period to fi gure it out.

TIM: (Smug.) Well, he doesn’t have our grasp of advanced vocabulary. (Changes the subject.) So today is Offi cial Fail Your Midterm Day, huh?

CASEY: Not funny. If I don’t get at least an 85 on Miss Dower’s oration exam this morning, my dad says he’s sending me to military school. An all-girls military school! Do I look like the type of person who would enjoy military school?

TIM: (Looks her up and down carefully.) Aside from the poor posture, sloppy clothes, a daily desire to sleep until noon and the fact that following rules and instructions is not exactly your thing, I’d say you’d fi t right in. (Salutes. CASEY frowns.) Oh, come on. What’s the big deal? It’s just a speech.

CASEY: (Corrects him, imitating Miss Dower’s formal style of speech and exaggerating enunciation.) Oration, Mister Stack, oration. If it was good enough for the students of Plato in ancient Greece, it is good enough for my students at Preston School. (Speaks normally.) I have to recite some dumb poem, “Ode to a Tree,” or something. I just can’t do it. (Depressed.) I can hear the morning bugle call of the Lady Generals Military School now.

TIM: You could always go home sick before class.CASEY: Again? The nurse won’t even let me in the health offi ce

anymore. She said I wasn’t welcome unless I needed CPR, and even then I need a note from home. I’m doomed.

TIM: Hey, this place is freezing all the time, right? Maybe Miss Dower will be out sick today.

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CASEY: Dependable Dower? She’s never absent. I think she’s too mean to get sick.

TIM: You’re probably right. Gum? (Chuckles as he hands CASEY a piece of gum and takes one for himself.) She’d have to be kidnapped to keep her out of school. (They both laugh, then CASEY stands aside, obviously deep in thought. DONNELLY and HAMILTON ENTER LEFT. MR. LOCKMAN ENTERS RIGHT, wearing a very loud novelty tie with lights and perhaps even music.)

CASEY: Hey, Mr. Lockman. Nice tie!LOCKMAN: (Proud.) Only the best! This one’s a classic. It’s older than

you are.TIM: It’s a bit bright, isn’t it?LOCKMAN: Maybe. It’s only half as bright as you two are, but it works

twice as hard at being noticed for it. See? Acting bright commands attention, too, you know. You should try it sometime.

CASEY: That’s low.LOCKMAN: (Teases.) Not as low as your history average. (Continues

past CASEY and TIM and stops near DONNELLY and HAMILTON.)DONNELLY: All right, children. Move along. Let’s get to class. No

dawdling. (To MR. LOCKMAN, noticing the tie.) Hello, Mike. Look, could you tone it down with the neckties? We keep getting complaints that you don’t look professional.0

LOCKMAN: Elverna?HAMILTON: Who else? She does have a point with this one, though.

The lights and music are a bit much.LOCKMAN: Elverna Dower thinks all my ties are inappropriate. I am

simply exercising my constitutional right to express myself through neckwear. A lot of thought goes into my ties. I take great care to—

DONNELLY: (Interrupts.) —choose the ones that will annoy her the most, right?

LOCKMAN: How’d you know?DONNELLY: This has been going on for years. I was in your class way

back when, remember? I gave you that tie for Christmas.LOCKMAN: You always had impeccable taste. Must have been your

eye for great art. Elverna has no eye for art.DONNELLY: Well, she has an eye for detail. She told me you borrowed

her stapler and failed to put it back in the appropriate location on her desk. Again. Seems this is something else that has been going on for years, if I recall correctly?

LOCKMAN: So we spar a bit. It keeps us young. Well, me anyway. (EXITS LEFT.)

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DONNELLY: (Calls after him.) Don’t antagonize Miss Dower.LOCKMAN’S VOICE: (From OFF LEFT.) Sorry, can’t hear you over my tie!MONTY: (ENTERS RIGHT wearing a Star Trek t-shirt and a large ring of

keys hanging from his belt.) Ah, there you are, sir.DONNELLY: (Looks around, embarrassed.) Mr. Montgomery, I’ve told

you not to call me “sir.” It makes me uncomfortable.MONTY: (Oblivious.) I’m sorry, sir.DONNELLY: (Rolls her eyes and exchanges looks with HAMILTON.)

Please, I run an informal ship, here, Monty. You can even call me Roberta if you like.

MONTY: Oh, thank you. (Continues with much drama.) It’s my furnace, sir. I don’t think I can hold the poor thing together much longer.

HAMILTON: The budget vote is coming up. You should have a brand new furnace delivered and running in a year or two.

MONTY: Oh, she’s been a noble beastie, sir, but she’s held together with bits of string and gum.

HAMILTON: (Picks gum off her skirt.) Well, that shouldn’t be a problem. There seems to be no shortage of gum around here.

MONTY: It’s like on that episode of Star Trek, sir. When the engineer had to save the ship and there were no new parts—

DONNELLY: Uh, Monty? This is a school, not a spaceship. Just see what you can do, okay?

MONTY: Yes, sir. (EXITS RIGHT, talking to himself.) I suppose I could rewire the generators to divert power to the furnace.

DONNELLY: Yes, you do that. (Distracted by fi nding gum, perhaps on the bottom of her shoe.) This is unbelievable! It’s everywhere. If we could fi nd a furnace that used chewing gum for fuel this school alone could heat all of Toledo. (Frustrated, turns to address all the STUDENTS in the hall and raises her voice authoritatively.) There is NO gum chewing allowed in this school! (Notices CASEY and TIM, who are trying hard to be invisible, but are clearly chewing gum.) No gum. That means you, Ms. Matthews, and your trusty sidekick. Don’t bother hiding it.

CASEY: (She and TIM make a show of swallowing their gum.) We weren’t chewing gum, Ms. Donnelly. Honest.

TIM: No, sir-ee. No dawdling or chewing or hiding. In fact, there was no action verb at all going on around here, except maybe standing. (Gives a nervous little laugh at his own joke.)

HAMILTON: And fi bbing. That’s an action verb, isn’t it, Mr. Stack? And don’t forget that I’ll see both of you in my offi ce today for that little raid on the fi eld hockey party.

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DONNELLY: Raid? What raid?HAMILTON: Oh, you didn’t hear about that? They dressed up in

monster masks and kilts and crashed the team’s end of the season party. Frankenstein in a kilt! (Looks pointedly at TIM.) Hairy legs and everything.

CASEY: It wasn’t us, Ms. Hamilton. You’ve got the wrong kids.TIM: That’s right… and I shaved my legs! They were the smoothest

legs at the party. (Lifts his pant leg, proudly admiring his work.) Of course, there’s bound to be some stubble by now. Frankly, I don’t know how you women keep up. (DONNELLY is about to respond but is interrupted by POST and BENTLEY, who ENTER LEFT in an agitated state.)

POST: Ms. Donnelly, Ms. Donnelly! The heat!BENTLEY: We’re supposed to have an Arts Festival committee meeting

this morning before they set up for the book fair, but the main conference room is an icebox.

POST: We’re hosting the festival this year, and we have a lot of planning to do to get this school prepared. Having heat would be a nice way to say “Welcome to our school.”

DONNELLY: I know. I know. I’m working on it.POST: You’re working on it? How does strolling the halls help get the

heat on?CASEY: (Interrupting, she pops her head between the arguing adults.)

Aw, don’t put the heat on, Ms. Donnelly. I’ve suggested making ice sculptures in art class this week. (A beat as she notices the principal’s stern look.) Sorry. Clay is good, too. Forget I was here. Carry on. (Grabs TIM and withdraws back into the shadows.)

DONNELLY: I really am working on it, ladies. Well, I have Mr. Montgomery rewiring the… thing… to divert power to the… something or other.

BENTLEY: We want heat in this building!POST: By second period! (They EXIT LEFT in a huff.)HAMILTON: (Calls after them.) Look on the bright side. At least the

lights are still on. (BLACKOUT.)End of Scene One

ACT ONEScene Two

CURTAIN UP: The main offi ce. The STAGE is lit with as few lights as possible to give the appearance of darkness. There is chaos, and DONNELLY, HAMILTON and HILDA have fl ashlights. HILDA sits at her

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secretary desk talking to HAMILTON. LOCKMAN and his light-up tie can also be seen. MONTY rushes IN RIGHT.MONTY: Well, the lights are out!HILDA: Wow! There’s a brilliant mechanical observation.HAMILTON: He must be reading those technical journals again.LOCKMAN: Tell us, Mr. Montgomery. In your expert experience, what

gave it away?MONTY: (Sincere.) I noticed the darkness, sir. (Overly dramatic, turns

to DONNELLY.) Sir, we have a problem.HAMILTON: (Sarcastic.) Are the Klingons attacking the ship?MONTY: (Still to DONNELLY.) No, sir, the main electrical fuse is blown

again, and the backup generators failed to kick in to run the emergency lights in the hallways and stairwells.

HAMILTON: Well, let’s just hope that life support and the artifi cial gravity hold out, eh, Mr. Montgomery?

MONTY: (Ignores her, still addressing DONNELLY.) I fi gure we’ve got about two hours before we have to call for the buses to send the students home. We can’t keep them cooped up in homeroom any longer than that.

DONNELLY: Yes, well, let’s hope it doesn’t come to that, Mr. Montgomery. I have complete confi dence in you. You always seem to do your best work under extreme circumstances.

MONTY: That’s because that’s all we ever seem to have around here. (EXITS RIGHT, mumbles to himself about his lot in life.) I could have transferred to that lovely new reform school across town but, no, I stayed here. Now I’m expected to go down with the ship!

HIGHTOWER: (The school union representative. ENTERS RIGHT in an agitated state, carrying her ever-present copy of the offi cial teacher contract.) Ms. Donnelly, we somehow manage to educate our students with a supply of materials and textbooks from the Dark Ages. However, the Dark Ages was not meant to be a literal term. We simply cannot teach without lights!

DONNELLY: We’re… Well, Mr. Montgomery is working on it.HIGHTOWER: (Sarcastic.) Oh, that’s reassuring. (Flips through a

contract booklet, looking for something.) I’m sure somewhere in our current contract there is a passage regarding a minimum illumination requirement for classrooms.

DONNELLY: I don’t doubt that for a minute.LOCKMAN: I can always let you borrow my light-up tie, Miss Hightower.

(LIGHTS suddenly COME ON.)

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DONNELLY: Bless you, Mr. Montgomery. Well, at least now everything can get back to normal around here. Ring the bell for fi rst period, please, Ms. Hamilton. (Satisfi ed with herself, she dismisses the teachers.) Back to teaching, everyone. Good day, Miss Hightower. (LOCKMAN EXITS RIGHT. SOUND EFFECT: SCHOOL BELL. ERIK ENTERS RIGHT, dressed in a Viking helmet and carrying a small round, obviously homemade shield and an umbrella, along with his backpack.)

HIGHTOWER: (Hesitates as she passes ERIK on the way OFF RIGHT.) Oh, good grief! (She’s OUT.)

ERIK: (Ignores HIGHTOWER and very dramatically comes to attention before DONNELLY.) Fear not, oh, mighty Chieftain! Your warriors have arrived. (Holds his umbrella up in salute.)

HAMILTON: (Looks around ERIK to see where the other “warriors” are.) Warriors? Plural?

ERIK: (Looks around and sees he is alone.) Just a minute. (Runs OFF RIGHT and returns dragging a reluctant MICHELLE IN by her wrist. She also wears a Viking helmet, and braided pigtails hang from either side. MICHELLE stands beside him, snaps her gum, twirls her pigtails and shows a real “New York” attitude. At ERIK’S urging, she reluctantly raises her own umbrella, which is the small pocket kind with a wild print design.)

DONNELLY: Good morning, Erik. (To MICHELLE.) And just who might you be?

MICHELLE: I might be Michelle Angelina Pomodoro, Erik’s cousin from the city. (Blows a bubble and pops it.) I’m new. (ERIK clears his throat loudly.) Or… I might be… (Takes out an index card and slowly reads from it.) Mighty Thora, Norse Goddess of Thund-ah and Lightning! (Aside, pleased with herself.) Whooo! Me a goddess. That’s sooo cool.

DONNELLY: Not now, Erik. We’re very busy this morning.ERIK: (Continues to over-do it.) That’s why we have come, my commander,

to conjure the spirit of the mighty Thor… (Pokes MICHELLE in the ribs, indicating she should fi nish the thought.)

MICHELLE: Oh, yeah. (Looks at index card again.) And to relieve your suffering!

HAMILTON: (Rolls her eyes, laughing. To DONNELLY.) If she succeeds, make her the school nurse. Ours hasn’t relieved any suffering in 20 years.

DONNELLY: Thank you, Erik… and Mich— (Stopped dead by ERIK’S sharp look.) Sorry. (Corrects herself.) Thora. But as you can see, the power is back on.

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HAMILTON: But if you and your fellow invisible Vikings can invade the boiler room and maybe start a little fi re to turn up the heat, we’d really appreciate it.

ERIK: (Proud.) As my people hail from Scandinavia, I am impervious to cold.

MICHELLE: Erik, you’re Italian. Our people hail from Brooklyn.ERIK: (Hurt.) Only on my father’s side! (His pride returns.) My dear

mother’s kin were Viking warriors, some fought beside Eric the Red.HAMILTON: So naturally, we’re left beside Erik the Nut.DONNELLY: (Patient.) Son, fi rst period has begun. You two really

should be running along now. I’ll write you a pass. (Crosses to the secretary’s desk and writes the pass.) Where are you going?

MICHELLE: We both have math.ERIK: (Brightens.) Ah, yes! Math class. (Raises his umbrella. Triumphant.)

Divide and conquer! (Grabs the pass and rushes OFF LEFT, followed by MICHELLE.)

DONNELLY: This isn’t a school. It’s an asylum.HAMILTON: Oh, give him credit. That boy takes his job seriously.DONNELLY: He’s the football mascot! I hardly think you can call

dressing up as a Viking once a week a job.HAMILTON: (Looks DONNELLY up and down.) I suppose you’re right.

Dressing the part doesn’t make it so. Still, at least Erik is concerned about morale around here.

DONNELLY: (Getting angry.) Now, see here—BENTLEY: (ENTERS RIGHT. Concerned.) Ms. Donnelly, Miss Dower

didn’t show up for the Arts Festival committee meeting. And she is in charge of organizing our school’s literature entries. And as usual, we have very few to choose from so far. We need Elverna’s help to solicit more student participation ideas, but she hasn’t turned up or left a message for us.

DONNELLY: That isn’t like her. She takes her position on that committee very seriously.

HILDA: Seriously? She’s been on that committee for 30 years! I think she once rejected a poetry entry from Shakespeare!

DONNELLY: Perhaps she was taken ill.BENTLEY: I’ve checked the faculty room, the restrooms and the

nurse’s offi ce, even the stairwells. Her car is still in the parking lot, but she isn’t anywhere to be found.

POST: (ENTERS RIGHT carrying a stack of papers.) Ms. Donnelly, these were found scattered on the hallway fl oor of the English wing. They are the English tests Miss Dower is giving this afternoon.


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BENTLEY: Elverna would never leave tests lying around. Something’s defi nitely wrong.

DONNELLY: (Uses the P.A. microphone.) Miss Dower, please call the main offi ce. Miss Dower, contact the offi ce immediately. (ALL wait for a call. Nothing.)

POST: It is as if she has completely disappeared. (SOUND EFFECT: TELEPHONE. HILDA answers it. MRS. MYRA LYMAN, the very bossy PTA president, ENTERS RIGHT in business attire and with a purpose, followed by two assistants, ANDREA and RAPHAELLA, who carry clipboards and cardboard boxes labeled “Brilliant Book Fair.” They set the boxes down on the counter.)

HAMILTON: (To HILDA as she sees MYRA ENTER.) Oh, this should be good. (Enthusiastic.) Good morning, Myra.

MYRA: (Agitated, ignores HAMILTON and talks to no one in particular.) We’re here to set up for the book fair and… (Sharply to ANDREA, indicating DONNELLY.) Who is this?

DONNELLY: Um, I’m the principal.ANDREA: (Flips through notes.) That would be Ms. Roberta Donnelly.

Took over in the middle of last year.MYRA: I thought the CEO here was a man. A Mr… (Snaps her fi ngers,

trying to remember.)RAPHAELLA: (Looks at notes.) Mr. Frank Manelli.MYRA: That’s the one. Good man. Got things done. I want him. Get

him back.HAMILTON: I am very sorry to say that is impossible.DONNELLY: (Shoots her a look, but addresses MYRA.) Yes, you see, Mr.

Manelli died.MYRA: Died? Who signed off on that? (To ANDREA and RAPHAELLA.)

Did I get a memo on that? (ASSISTANTS nod.)ANDREA: Yes. Here it is. (Pulls a paper from her folder to show her.)MYRA: (Doesn’t look at it.) And?RAPHAELLA: (Checks the paperwork.) You sent a lovely fruit basket.MYRA: (Smiles briefl y, impressed with the gesture.) That’s nice. I’m

thoughtful that way… but you should have told me. I like to be informed when I’m being thoughtful.

DONNELLY: Well, as you’ve just heard I’m Roberta Donnelly, the new principal. And you are?

MYRA: Myra Lyman. PTA president and managing director. My card. (Pause, then she continues with voice raised.) My card! Why doesn’t she have my card? (ANDREA and RAPHAELLA both rush to hand over business cards to the confused DONNELLY.)

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HAMILTON: (Aside, to DONNELLY.) Let’s just say that her transition from the corporate world to PTA mom is still a work in progress.

DONNELLY: (Takes a card from each of the ASSISTANTS.) Thank you. And are you parents as well? (ASSISTANTS shake their heads “no.”)

MYRA: (Introduces them.) My personal assistants—Andrea and Raphaella.

DONNELLY: (Trying to be polite.) Oh. Nice to meet you, but which is which?

MYRA: (Briefl y looks them over, trying to fi gure it out. She can’t.) It doesn’t matter.

HILDA: (Interrupts.) Excuse me, Ms. Donnelly, but you have a telephone call. She says it’s important, but she won’t say who she is.

DONNELLY: (Holds up her hand, trying to dismiss MYRA.) Yes, well, if you’ll excuse me, Mrs. Lyman. I’m afraid we are in the middle of something rather important regarding one of our faculty members.

MYRA: Don’t try to change the subject. You’ve sidetracked me enough for one day. I’ve called this little pow-wow to set up for the book fair and that conference room feels like the North Pole. This is completely unacceptable. (Motions her ASSISTANTS forward but doesn’t look at them.)

ANDREA: I’ve done some preliminary research and national PTA statistics tell us that cold is very inhibiting to sales.

MYRA: And?RAPHAELLA: And we need an interior temperature between 67 and 72

degrees to encourage productive browsing among this age group.HILDA: Ms. Donnelly, can you take this call?DONNELLY: (Aside, to HILDA.) Ask what it is in reference to, please,

Hilda. (Turns back to MYRA.) I’m very sorry, Myra. We have our crack custodial staff implementing a solution as we speak. The heating problem is a priority and will be fi xed soon. I assure you I am working on it.

HILDA: (Urgent, still holding the phone.) Ms. Donnelly!HAMILTON: Working on it? Ha! I wish I got a raise every time I’ve

heard that around here this year.MYRA: Imagine a public school with inadequate heat! This is

unacceptable! What about the children? To think my darling, uh… uh… (Snaps her fi ngers, trying to recall her daughter’s name.)

ANDREA: Elizabeth.MYRA: (Quickly fi nishing her previous sentence.) …is here in these

conditions. This kind of thing didn’t happen when that Mr. Manelli was principal. (EXITS RIGHT, followed by her ASSISTANTS.)

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HAMILTON: (Happy somebody said it, she stirs the pot.) Come to think of it, the school was warmer then. There were fewer Viking invasions, too. And there was considerably less gum about.

DONNELLY: (Exasperated.) Ms. Hamilton, we’ve had this discussion before. I’m sorry you didn’t get this job, but it’s high time you and everybody else around here adjusted to my presence here as principal—

HILDA: (Shouts.) Ms. Donnelly!DONNELLY: What?HILDA: (Rises from her desk, still holding the phone.) Miss Dower has

been kidnapped!DONNELLY: Kidnapped! (ALL react with surprise and concern.)HAMILTON: (Sarcastic.) We never had a kidnapping when Mr. Manelli

was here, either. (BLACKOUT.)End of Scene Two

ACT ONEScene Three

LIGHTS UP: The basement storage room. Several boxes are scattered about. CASEY and TIM ENTER through a door marked “storage.” They remove ugly monster masks that cover their faces.CASEY: Well, that should hold her. Lucky we still had these masks

in our locker from the girls’ fi eld hockey party. Sad thing was, we fi t right in, and they weren’t even wearing costumes. You know, someone saw me in my mask and asked me if I liked playing goalie.

TIM: That would be Frieda. She’s in my gym class. She keeps trying to lift me over her head. (Pantomimes a dead lift.) Believe me, you were prettier in your mask than she is without one. And I have better legs. (Tosses his mask onto a nearby box.) I’m not so sure this is a good idea. Kidnapping a teacher to avoid making an oral presentation seems a bit, you know, extreme.

CASEY: It’s a great idea. In fact, it may be the best idea you have ever had.

TIM: I ever had? This was my idea?CASEY: Yes, you’re the one who said she’d have to be kidnapped to

be kept out of school.TIM: Well, I said that, but… it was meant more as an amusing

observation than a command decision.CASEY: It’s brilliant.TIM: Really? You think so?

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CASEY: Absolutely! And that blackout was a sign from above. Perfect timing. Now, not only will we get out of Miss Dower’s oral exam, we’ll get to collect a ransom, too.

TIM: (Excited.) Oh, boy! You know, I’m reluctant to admit it, but this is my fi rst kidnapping. How do we go about getting a ransom?

CASEY: Easy. You write a note, you know, like they do in the movies. We say she’s in danger and if you ever want to see her again, yada, yada, yada… They pay to get her back.

TIM: Can I do it? I love creative writing! I hate to brag, but Miss Dower once said I had a unique writing voice.

CASEY: You know, “unique”’ can be taken two ways.TIM: Oh, I’m sure she only meant it one way. (Looks back toward the

door.) So, I’ll get on that ransom note, and then we sit back and wait for the money. But, what do we do with her in the meantime?

CASEY: That’s the best part. We don’t have to do anything with her. She’ll just sit quietly in the storeroom until we negotiate for her release.

TIM: I guess you’re right. How much trouble can one old lady be? (BLACKOUT.)

End of Scene Three

ACT ONEScene Four

LIGHTS UP: The main offi ce. HILDA sits at her desk while DONNELLY leans against it, making some notes. HIGHTOWER ENTERS RIGHT and approaches the principal from behind, obviously enraged, but unsure how to begin. She waves her arms and gestures a few times as she tries to gain her composure.HILDA: (Casually watching HIGHTOWER carry on.) Uh, Ms. Donnelly,

I believe Miss Hightower would like a word with you. (DONNELLY turns to face HIGHTOWER.)

HIGHTOWER: (Finally fi nds the words.) Armed students running about, icicles in the conference room, now Elverna kidnapped. This place is a zoo!

DONNELLY: We’ve had a few bumps in the road, Miss Hightower. We don’t even know for sure that Elverna has been kidnapped. This may all be some sort of a hoax or joke or something… (Suddenly concerned.) Wait a minute, what do you mean “armed students”?

HIGHTOWER: That crazed Viking! He’s got a sword!DONNELLY: That’s an umbrella!

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HIGHTOWER: Well, he waves it about in a menacing manner. (Holds the contract under her nose.) Our contract clearly states that we deserve a safe working environment.

DONNELLY: Miss Hightower, I am sure that while your teacher contract guarantees a safe working environment, it does not prohibit the use of rain repellent gear—menacing or not!

HIGHTOWER: And now that girl has joined him. He’s forming a gang! We must do something. We have to call the police.

DONNELLY: The police? To arrest an umbrella-wielding football mascot?

HIGHTOWER: Not for him! To help fi nd Miss Dower.DONNELLY: Oh, I’m sure Miss Dower is just fi ne and there is a logical

explanation for all this. It may be a hoax. Let’s try and keep this quiet, shall we? We have children in the building. There is no need to start a panic.

HILDA: (Laughs to herself as she rises from her desk.) Panic? Are you kidding? If the kids hear that Elverna is gone, it will be like Mardi Gras around here! (EXITS LEFT.)

HIGHTOWER: (Ignores HILDA.) The police, Ms. Donnelly. Phone them immediately. Perhaps I should contact the union. There must be something in our contract to cover this. Maybe it’s under stipends. (EXITS RIGHT, again fl ipping through the contract.) If teachers are going to be kidnapped we should at least get a little something extra in our paychecks for it. (As she storms out, COACH SEAVER, the young gym teacher, ENTERS RIGHT, clearly chewing gum.)

COACH: Kidnapped? Who got kidnapped?DONNELLY: (Curt.) No one. (Relaxes.) I’m sorry, Coach. Well, it’s

probably some kind of joke, but there is a small—mind you, a very small—chance that someone has kidnapped Elverna Dower.

COACH: Why in the world would anybody want to kidnap Elverna Dower?

DONNELLY: Who knows? But it seems to be up to me to get her back.

COACH: I wouldn’t want to have to take the credit for that one… or the blame. (Laughs.)

DONNELLY: (Trying to be serious.) I suppose I have no choice in the matter. She has no family to speak of, at least none that anyone knows about.

COACH: Would you own up to being related to her? (Laughs to himself.)

DONNELLY: What’s so funny?

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COACH: Well, I was just thinking about Elverna. The kidnapping and everything—it’s ironic. I mean, Elverna, of all people! Who in their right mind would willingly spend any more time with her than is necessary? I stood next to her during a fi re drill once. She criticized the condition of my whistle. Said it was tarnished. (DONNELLY tries to stifl e a laugh.) I mean it. It was the longest fi ve minutes of my life. The poor kidnapper!

DONNELLY: (Still trying not to laugh.) Coach, I fail to see the humor in this situation. If she has been kidnapped, it must be terribly frightening for her.

COACH: (Also attempts to be serious and sympathetic.) Oh, yes, I’m sure. Poor Elverna. (A beat, then a sly grin appears on his face.) But it would be funny, though, wouldn’t it? If nobody wanted her back enough to pay a ransom?

DONNELLY: She is quite a handful.COACH: Why did you hire her anyway?DONNELLY: I didn’t hire her! This is my fi rst full year, too. You are the

only faculty member I actually hired. Elverna Dower came with the building, like that Stone Age furnace and that moldy couch in the faculty room.

COACH: You mean the one with the saggy cushions and the broken spring that sticks up and gives you a pain right in the… (Absently rubs his backside and then notices DONNELLY’S expression. Gets her drift.) I see the connection.

DONNELLY: She’s been the broken spring in my backside ever since I got here. She corrects my grammar in faculty meetings. She sends my memos back with little red comments on them— “Needs improvement,” and “Watch your apostrophes.” She’s in my offi ce every ten minutes complaining about something or other. (Mimics Miss Dower.) “Ms. Donnelly, the students are running in the halls again. Ms. Donnelly, the students are chewing gum again. Ms. Donnelly, the teachers are chewing gum again!” (As she paces away from him, COACH furtively removes the gum from his mouth and looks around for a suitable place to dispose of the wad. With limited options, he sticks it under a nearby desk.)

COACH: (Chuckles.) She bugs you, too? I thought she only gave other teachers a hard time.

DONNELLY: Oh, you have no idea. I used to be a student here, and she was my teacher way back when. She has this unsurpassed ability to make me feel like I am still 12 years old. And worst of all, she’s president of the you’re-not-as-good-as-the-old-principal club.

COACH: Frank Manelli? I never knew him.

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DONNELLY: It’s not my fault the guy died! I bet he arranged his heart attack just to get away from Elverna Dower! In fact, I’m thinking of having one myself.

COACH: That may be a bit extreme. After all, you are the boss. (Laughs.) Well, good luck, Roberta. (Starts to leave, but hesitates.) Hey, I know this is only my fi rst year, but I fi gure not getting Elverna Dower back would be the fi rst truly popular decision you ever made here. (EXITS RIGHT as DONNELLY thinks it over.)

HIGHTOWER: (RE-ENTERS RIGHT.) Well, have you called them yet?DONNELLY: (Innocently.) Called who?HIGHTOWER: The police! You know, blue car, red lights, loud siren?

They fi nd missing people.DONNELLY: Loud siren? Yes, that’s just what I want, the cast of “Cops”

screaming up to my school in full riot gear, soon to be followed by every panicked parent and nosy newspaper reporter in town. They’ll shut us down! We don’t even know for sure that Elverna is really in danger, and we certainly can’t afford the bad publicity. We have a budget vote coming up and a new heating system is on the ticket. I want my new furnace!

HIGHTOWER: That’s it? You’d risk a valuable member of our pedagogical staff for a warmer conference room? (After considering this for a moment, DONNELLY shrugs and nods.) Oh, I am SO fi ling a grievance on this! (Storms OUT RIGHT. BLACKOUT.)

End of Scene Four

ACT ONEScene Five

LIGHTS UP: The basement storage room. CASEY ENTERS with books in her hands. TIM is hunched over a box with several papers in front of him. He is erasing something.TIM: (To himself.) Wait, it’s “i before e, except after c.”CASEY: Did you fi nish the ransom note? Can I see it?TIM: (Hides the paper.) Well, sort of. I mean I fi nished it, but I’m doing

it over.CASEY: Doing it over? Why?TIM: (Ashamed.) Well, you see, Miss Dower got a look at it—CASEY: What?TIM: She must have had a red pen in her purse, and— (CASEY grabs

the note away from TIM and reads. Her face shows her disbelief.)CASEY: She corrected it?

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TIM: (Defensive.) It was just a fi rst draft! I didn’t have a dictionary or my thesaurus, and I couldn’t go to my locker because you said I should stay here, and—

CASEY: You failed the ransom note?TIM: (Grabs the note back with one hand and holds up a second piece

of paper with the other.) She said it was too stereotypical with no originality. This draft is much better. I avoided clichés, and now my verb tenses match and I’m no longer splitting my infi nitives.

CASEY: (Sarcastic.) Maybe you could write a confession for extra credit?

TIM: You think? (BOTH sit at boxes and begin doing school work in silence for a moment. ERIK and MICHELLE’S VOICES are heard as they ENTER the area.)

ERIK: I’m sure we’ll fi nd it here someplace.MICHELLE: Ew, is that a spider? What do I need it for anyway?ERIK: Character. You need to get in character.TIM: (To CASEY.) What are they doing here?CASEY: Shhh! Just humor him. He’ll get bored and leave. (Approaches

ERIK.) Say, Erik, how’s my favorite Viking? What are you looking for?

ERIK: (Looks through boxes and/or coat racks.) Traditional period garb befi tting a Viking warrior princess.

CASEY: (Confused.) In other words?MICHELLE: Costumes. I’m having trouble getting under the skin of

the part wearing just the hat, so Erik thought I needed a more concrete connection to my character’s Viking roots. (Flips her hair fl irtatiously at TIM.) I’ve only taken the role because it’s good experience for my acting career. Of course, I hope to someday play in the classics.

TIM: (Holds up old play programs or posters from the trunk.) Lady MacBeth? Gypsy Rose Lee?

MICHELLE: Nah, “High School Musical”! Duh!ERIK: Ah, here it is! The old drama department costume box. (Pulls out

a long robe-like garment, which clearly doesn’t impress MICHELLE.) Remember when Miss Dower directed that disastrous production of “The Valkyries”?

CASEY: Remember? Of course, I remember. My sister had the lead. (Sarcastic.) Yes, that’s right—she’s smart, pretty and can sing, even if the show fl opped.

TIM: If she’s smart, pretty and can sing, why did it fl op?

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ERIK: It seems that there was a creative confl ict. Miss Dower wanted to do the stuffy, boring German opera version, but the costume mistress went more for the Marvel comics superhero. (Holds up a rather skimpy skirt and breastplate.)

TIM: I love that comic! Valkyrie is quite the babe!ERIK: The show was fi ne until the little wardrobe malfunction. Mr.

Manelli closed the play at intermission.CASEY: Yeah, but my sister went on to be prom queen. She hasn’t

been home a Saturday night since.ERIK: (Gathers up the robe costume, but MICHELLE is interested now

and grabs the skimpy outfi t and gives TIM a wink.) Well, we should be getting back to study hall. Say, what are you two doing here anyway? Ditching Miss Dower’s class again?

CASEY: Uh, yeah. Say, you won’t rat us out, will you?ERIK: You have my word as a Viking. (Salutes with his umbrella and

marches OFF.)MICHELLE: (To TIM, fl irty.) And mine as a Marvel comic sup-ah- hero.

(Follows him OFF. TIM stares after her.)CASEY: I thought they’d never leave. (Notices TIM staring dreamily.)

Oh, come on!TIM: She’s a very believable Norse goddess.CASEY: She’s like something out of “My Cousin Valkyrie.” (Sits back

at her box, pulls a book from her backpack and starts working.) You know, I had no idea that keeping Miss Dower busy would mean so much work for us.

TIM: What does she have you doing?CASEY: A report on famous kidnappings in history.TIM: Me, too! And I’m not even done with the ransom note or the

poetry project she assigned to me this morning. Why is she doing this to us? We’re supposed to be in charge of her, aren’t we?

CASEY: I don’t know. She called it a “teachable moment” or something. I’m up to the Lindbergh baby.

TIM: Lindberger? Didn’t he invent cheese or something?CASEY: No. Limburger is a cheese that smells like feet. Charles

Lindbergh was an airplane pilot who was the most famous man in the world in the 1920s and 30s. It seems some guy kidnapped Lindbergh’s son. Snatched the baby right out of his crib while his parents were downstairs, and nobody heard a thing.

TIM: That’s creepy.CASEY: I know. They never found the Lindbergh baby. For years guys

would come out of the woodwork swearing to be the baby all grown up and try to claim the family fortune.

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TIM: (Excited, he quickly searches through his notes.) Hey, you know, I just found out that there was this famous English racehorse called Shergar that was supposedly kidnapped by Irish terrorists.

CASEY: So?TIM: (Suspicious, as if trying to connect the two events.) So, they never

found the horse, either. (Thinks for a moment, then walks to DOWN CENTER and stares out. He sighs hopefully.) You know, I’d like to think of that little Linberger guy sitting tall in the saddle, out riding on Shergar. Two lost souls ripped from their loved ones, fi nding comfort and friendship in each other. (Overcome with emotion, he gestures out toward the AUDIENCE as if he sees them riding past.) Ride, little Lindy, ride. I’ll keep a cheese in the window for you… (Tries to stifl e a sob. CASEY comes forward and squints out into the AUDIENCE to see what TIM sees. She doesn’t and decides to stare at TIM instead. CASEY clears her throat and TIM is brought back to reality.)

CASEY: Uh, so what’s your poetry assignment?TIM: (Holds up a poster in progress with the words FELONY ABDUCTION

spelled out vertically.) An illustrated acrostic poem using the words “felony abduction.”

CASEY: (Grimaces.) Ouch.TIM: I know. Hey, maybe I can use that baby for my “B” line. No,

wait! Limburger starts with “L” and there’s an “L” in felony! Are there pictures of cheese in that book? (Grabs the book and starts fl ipping through pages as an exasperated CASEY puts her head in her hands. BLACKOUT.)

End of Scene Five

ACT ONEScene Six

LIGHTS UP: The main offi ce. HILDA is at her desk. HAMILTON, MYRA, ANDREA, RAPHAELLA and CAPTAIN PETERS are standing near the counter fi ddling with book fair boxes. DONNELLY ENTERS RIGHT and pulls HAMILTON aside, out of earshot of the others.DONNELLY: (Quietly, to HAMILTON.) Have the kidnappers set the

ransom yet?HAMILTON: Not yet. But if they base it on Miss Dower’s years of

service, it’ll be enormous. I think she taught Adam and Eve.DONNELLY: (Laughs.) I suppose you’re right. No one has that much

money.MYRA: (Approaches, overhears the last comment.) You need money?

No problem. Let me get with my people and we can make it happen.

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(To her ASSISTANTS, who take notes as she speaks.) Interface with Captain Peters. We need a go-team and a dramatic increase in liquid capital.

ANDREA: (Crosses with RAPHAELLA to CAPTAIN PETERS.) Captain Peters?

CAPTAIN: (Comes to attention.) Ma’am, yes, ma’am!ANDREA: Mrs. Lyman would like to request your assistance with

regard to some fundraising projects.CAPTAIN: Semper fi . I love a mission. The usual?RAPHAELLA: (Nods authoritatively.) Pull out all the stops. You’re in

command.CAPTAIN: (Salutes.) Hooo-rah! (Walks UPSTAGE, pulls out a cell phone

and starts dialing and gesturing while DONNELLY tries to calm things down.)

DONNELLY: (To HAMILTON.) Don’t tell me, another mom with career transition issues?

HAMILTON: This is not your mother’s PTA.DONNELLY: (Aside, to HAMILTON, who is standing near Hilda’s desk.)

But why “Captain” Peters?HAMILTON: She’s the Cookie Captain, a former Marine, I think. Runs

the bake sales with military precision. Very effi cient.HILDA: Unfortunately, you could bounce a quarter off of her brownies.

She should send them to her former platoon. They could use them as mortars.

HAMILTON: True enough. Funny thing is, though, that nobody is brave enough to tell her. They just secretly swap them with edible ones. Thankfully, the other mothers are quite good at baking, and they’re good sports about being ordered around. And besides, calling her “Captain Peters” sounds better than calling her “The Brownie Bully.”

DONNELLY: (To MYRA and the ASSISTANTS, who are busy whipping out an “Emergency Fundraising Kit” with a “Sale” sign, tape measure, etc.) Oh, um… no, ladies, you see… we don’t really need you to raise money. Things will be all right, I’m sure.

MYRA: (She and ASSISTANTS ignore her and keep working. Finally, approaches DONNELLY.) Not to worry, Ms. Donnelly. We’ll have the funds you need in no time. (Snaps fi ngers.)

CAPTAIN: (Comes to attention again to introduce herself.) Captain Kate Peters, commander, PTA Bake Sale Division. (Salutes.)

MYRA: She is the best in the cookie business. Her missions always turn a profi t, and— (As if this is a remarkable achievement.) —she’s never lost a brownie. You’re in good hands.

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PHOTOCOPYING THIS SCRIPT BREAKS FEDERAL COPYRIGHT LAWS

DONNELLY: Uh, thank you. (MYRA pulls out her own cell phone and walks to side, negotiating for baked goods.)

HILDA: Ms. Donnelly. All this talk of brownies has made me rather hungry. I’m going out to get a quick lunch. May I bring you back something?

DONNELLY: No, thank you. We’ll hold the fort until you get back. (As HILDA EXITS RIGHT, a PTA crew of PARENTS ENTER RIGHT bearing all manner of cakes, cookie plates, etc. on plates and in Tupperware. With military precision, they set up a table and lay out a beautiful selection complete with tablecloth. A second team of PARENTS brings in a box of small plants and other boxes marked “decorative candles” and “candy.” Nearby, they set up a large cardboard thermometer to record their earnings. Amazed.) And who are these people?

HAMILTON: Effers.DONNELLY: (Appalled, she pulls the HAMILTON aside.) Ms. Hamilton,

they may not be the most attractive parents we have, but calling them cows is way out of line!

HAMILTON: No, not heifers, EFFERS. E-F-R-S Emergency Fundraising Response Squad. They live for stuff like this. You’ve got to get out of your offi ce more.

CAPTAIN: (Reviews her bake sale tables and the PTA PARENTS. They stand at attention behind the table as she inspects their display. Passes fi rst PARENT, who is visibly relieved.) Acceptable… (Stops at an obviously nervous PARENT.) Trim those brownies to a uniform size! We can’t charge one price for different size portions, can we?

PARENT 1: Uh… no, Captain. I’ll trim them right away, Captain.CAPTAIN: And can someone tell me what direction those Baggie bows

should be facing?PARENT 2: (Timid.) Front, Captain. They should be facing front.CAPTAIN: (Bellows.) I can’t hear you!PARENT 2: Front, Captain!CAPTAIN: (Moves in so they are nose-to-nose.) Then why are some

askew? I didn’t ask for askew bows, now did I?PARENT 2: (Immediately joins with the other PARENTS to set things

right.) No, Captain. Sorry, Captain.PARENT 3: (Casual.) Uh, excuse me, Mrs. Peters, but what difference

does it make anyway? (The other PARENTS gasp.) I mean, kids will eat anything, won’t they? Baggie bows and uniform brownies? It seems so unnecessary. I mean, the kids would even buy your brownies. (Realizes what she has said and quickly covers her mouth.)

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CAPTAIN: (Goes nose to nose again.) It’s Captain Peters, soldier. And as for your slack, sloppy and slovenly approach to bake sales… well, if Betty Crocker were alive, she’d slap your face!

DONNELLY: (Crosses to the PARENTS to break things up.) Um, ladies, it’s awfully nice of you to offer to help us out, but I’m afraid I can’t even tell you what the bake sale money is for. It’s kind of hush-hush at the moment.

CAPTAIN: Covert ops are my specialty. As the old saying goes, “Ours is not to reason why…”

MYRA: That’s right. New fl oor mats, new stage curtains, new copy machines—it makes little difference to us. You need the cash, we’ve got the cupcakes.

CAPTAIN: (To PARENT 3.) Get down and give me twenty snickerdoodles! (PARENT 3 reaches into a box and starts unloading.)

DONNELLY: Impressive, very impressive. How many cupcakes do you think it will take to build us a new school? (BLACKOUT.)

End of Scene Six

ACT ONEScene Seven

LIGHTS UP: The basement storage room. CASEY is sitting, leaning against a box writing something. TIM rushes ON. He pulls off his monster mask.TIM: Sorry I’m late.CASEY: Where have you been?TIM: With Miss Dower. (Hands CASEY a small piece of paper.)CASEY: What is this?TIM: She wrote me a pass.CASEY: (Stares at it for a moment, then crumples it and tosses it in

the air and turns back to her book. They work in silence for a while. Finally, CASEY slams her book shut and stands up.) What are we doing? I don’t know about you, Tim, but I can’t take it anymore. She’s driving me crazy. It’s bad enough to have her one period a day, but this is ridiculous.

TIM: I’m doing more work now as a kidnapper than I ever did as a student in class. (Holds up a pile of papers.)

CASEY: I know. It’s like some horror movie. “Attack of the Killer Study Hall.”

TIM: (Does his best horror movie narrator voice.) Where the work never ends and the bell never rings! (Finishes with a mad-scientist laugh.)

CASEY: Easy, Dr. Franken-Stack.

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TIM: (Shakes his hand out and examines his fi ngers.) I’m getting writer’s cramp and that weird little dent on my fi nger from holding my pen too tight. We’ve got to do something.

CASEY: Like what?TIM: I don’t know, let her go or give her back or something. She has

me wishing I was in math class.CASEY: (Nods decisively.) Yeah, me, too. It’s time to ask for the

ransom.TIM: But I haven’t fi nished revising the note yet! (Pulls a paper out of

his pocket and looks at it critically.) Miss Dower says my conclusion is still a little weak and I need stronger verbs.

CASEY: Tim!TIM: (Pleads.) At least let me copy it over in cursive!CASEY: Forget it! I’ll call. (Pulls out a cell phone.)TIM: Those are not allowed in school, you know.CASEY: Yeah, well, they tend to frown on kidnappings, too. Now,

be quiet, I have to think of what to say. (LIGHTS UP DIM on the offi ce, which is deserted. DONNELLY ENTERS LEFT. SOUND EFFECT: TELEPHONE.)

DONNELLY: (Looks around helplessly, hoping someone else can answer it.) Hello? Hilda? Somebody? I’m the principal, I really can’t be answering the telephone. I guess everyone’s gone to lunch but me. (LIGHTS are now UP FULL on both the offi ce and the basement. CASEY talks on the cell phone, TIM paces nervously by her side. DONNELLY gives in and sits at Hilda’s desk. She picks up the phone.) Hello, Preston School. Ms. Donnelly speaking.

CASEY: (Tries to disguise her voice and sound tough.) Um, I’m calling about Miss Dower.

DONNELLY: (Exasperated, she drops her head on the desk. Then she slowly picks her head up and looks around realizing she’s alone. A sly smile grows on her face as she makes a decision.) You’re calling about who?

CASEY: Miss Dower. (A pause. No response from DONNELLY.) Miss Elverna Dower.

DONNELLY: (Thinks it over, then she responds very casually.) Oh, yes. I seem to remember we used to have a teacher by that name.

CASEY: Um, right. Well, we’ve got her now. Are you ready to talk terms?

DONNELLY: Oh, I suppose we’re ready to talk terms. What did you have in mind?

CASEY: (Unsure of herself.) Hold on. (Turns to TIM.) What do I ask for?

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TIM: (Shrugs.) I saw a movie once where kidnappers got fi fty grand for some little kid. But Miss Dower’s pretty old. I wouldn’t ask for more than ten.

CASEY: Isn’t ten thousand dollars a lot? Do schools have that much?

TIM: Have you seen the prices in the cafeteria? They make that in chicken nuggets.

CASEY: (Into the phone.) How does $10,000 sound?DONNELLY: Wonderful. (A beat.) We sure could use it. There are a

million things around here that need doing…CASEY: What do you mean you could use it? You are supposed to

pay us!DONNELLY: (Feigns confusion.) Oh, no. I don’t think so.CASEY: Yes. That’s what ransom is. I know—I looked it up! (Waves her

assignment at the phone.)TIM: (Holds up his own pile of papers.) Ask her if she’d like to hear

some synonyms…CASEY: (To TIM.) Shush! (Into the phone.) So, how about it? When can

you pay up?DONNELLY: (Gaining confi dence, a woman with a plan.) Listen, you

seem like a reasonable sort, and you’ve obviously spent enough time with Elverna Dower by now to know the score. As for me… (Leans back in her chair and puts her feet up on the desk.) Let me tell you about my day. I wrote a memo today that didn’t come back corrected, no students complained that Miss Dower gave them too much homework, and no staff member was accused of spitefully moving Miss Dower’s stapler to the wrong side of her desk. I even addressed my faculty this morning and not one person brought up the fact that I used to be an art teacher. Add to that the fact that the PTA is selling enough cookies to fi nance a fi eld trip to Mars, and I think I’m going to have to take a pass on the ransom.

CASEY: Does that mean you’re not going to pay?DONNELLY: (Chuckles.) Let’s just say that I’m working on it. (Smiles

as she unwraps a piece of gum and pops it into her mouth. BLACKOUT.)

END OF ACT ONE

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ACT TWOScene One

LIGHTS UP: The basement storage room. CASEY and TIM are talking. They sit on boxes and look dejected.TIM: She won’t pay? Is she allowed to do that? Isn’t there a law or

something that says you have to pay a ransom? They always pay the ransom on television.

CASEY: She doesn’t want her back! What kind of person doesn’t want a kidnapped person back?

TIM: (Rises and paces.) A depraved person. A sick, sick person, a person without an ounce of human feeling. (With disgust.) A school principal!

CASEY: Well, she can’t get away with this. There must be someone who wants Miss Dower back.

TIM: Maybe she has a boyfriend! (They exchange hopeful looks, then shake their heads.)

CASEY: Nah, she’s an English teacher. Can’t you just imagine her making some guy pour his heart out in a fi ve paragraph persuasive essay with at least three supporting details every time he wanted a kiss or something? (Shudders.) Ew! Why would anyone ever date a teacher?

TIM: Beats me. Maybe that’s why they always seem to hang out with other teachers. They seem to travel in these little packs, like nuns or gnats. (Imitates the buzzing of an insect.) Buzzzzzz… I have an excellent vocabulary… Bzzzz… I never use personal pronouns in an essay… Bzzzz…

CASEY: (Laughs.) I guess it’s a good thing that at least they like each other—otherwise teachers would be about the loneliest people in the world.

TIM: What about Ms. Donnelly? She can’t like teachers very much. After all, she doesn’t want a nice old lady like Miss Dower back.

CASEY: Miss Dower heard me call her old once. She said teachers her age prefer to think of themselves as “experienced.”

TIM: Can’t Ms. Donnelly get into trouble for not trying to get Miss Dower back?

CASEY: Probably. I need to think. We need a plan.TIM: I’m too hungry to think.CASEY: Yeah, it must be near lunchtime by now. When the bell rings,

I’ll go up to the cafeteria and get us some food, and then I’ll get a pass to the offi ce and say I want to talk to Ms. Hamilton about that fi eld hockey party. I’ll try to fi nd out if anyone else knows that

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Ms. Donnelly refused to pay the ransom. Then I’ll work on a plan to get us out of this.

TIM: (Wary.) And what am I going to do?CASEY: You, my trusty sidekick, are going to keep an eye on Miss

Dower. (TIM begins to protest, but CASEY cuts him off as she starts to EXIT.) Just keep her occupied until I get back. How hard can that be? (BLACKOUT.)

End of Scene One

ACT TWOScene Two

LIGHTS UP: The main offi ce. HAMILTON and DONNELLY are talking near the counter. HILDA is again seated at her desk. The offi ce is fi lled with baked goods and boxes marked “Candles” and “Wrapping Paper.” The large fundraising thermometer is now approximately halfway up toward the goal. CAPTAIN PETERS and several PARENTS mill about.HAMILTON: (Looks around, impressed.) Look at this place! It’s only

been a few hours. If we gave these women a month, they could erase the national debt!

DONNELLY: (Grabs a brownie for herself, then hands one to HAMILTON.) Delicious. Absolutely delicious.

HAMILTON: It will be a shame when this is all over. Not only am I going to miss these brownies, but we’ll also have to deal with Elverna Dower again. (They share a laugh, but HAMILTON begins to feel guilty.) Of course, that’s if she survives this ordeal. If this even is an ordeal. It hasn’t been that long—I suppose it could still be someone’s idea of a joke. Though I am beginning to worry.

DONNELLY: (Begins to feel guilty herself.) I’m sure that wherever Elverna is, she’s fi ne. Things will work out. There’s probably nothing to worry about.

HAMILTON: Fine? Nothing to worry about? This could be a dangerous situation. Frankly, I never cared for the woman, but Elverna may be alone with desperate criminals!

DONNELLY: Yes, but I don’t think she’ll hurt them. (They laugh again.) Sarah, I know you don’t always agree with the way I do things around here, and I know how devoted you and everyone else were to Frank Manelli, but I assure you I have the best interests of our school at heart. I may make mistakes, but I’m trying to do a good job here and I want things to work out… for all of us.

HAMILTON: (Smiles and softens a bit.) Including Elverna Dower?DONNELLY: Yes, about that… I mentioned mistakes, and I guess I

should tell someone. I may have made one. You see, Hilda was

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at lunch, and… (Looks as if she is about to take HAMILTON into her confi dence, but HIGHTOWER ENTERS RIGHT and interrupts their moment.)

HIGHTOWER: Ms. Donnelly, is there any word about Elverna?DONNELLY: (Innocent.) Word?HIGHTOWER: Yes, word! Have you heard from the kidnappers? When

do we get her back? (Looks around at the activity in the offi ce.) And why is this room full of confections rather than police offi cers? This is a serious matter, Ms. Donnelly.

DONNELLY: (Pulls her aside so they can speak privately.) Yes, it is a serious matter, Miss Hightower. And I assure you that I have given it the highest priority. Elverna is missing. That’s odd, I admit, but I’m sure she’ll turn up.

HIGHTOWER: Turn up? You talk about her as if she were a lost umbrella!

DONNELLY: Not exactly, Miss Hightower. People would want a lost umbrella back.

HIGHTOWER: And just what is that supposed to mean? You are on very thin ice with this faculty, Ms. Donnelly. They already feel that your managerial and disciplinary skills are lacking, and now if they were to hear that you were not in favor of saving the life of our most veteran faculty member—

DONNELLY: (Sarcastically fi nishing her thought.) —they would understand completely. She may be a veteran, but she isn’t exactly popular.

HAMILTON: (Interrupts.) I’m sure that Ms. Donnelly wants Miss Dower back as much as the rest of us. We simply have no idea where she is or what has really happened to her. But if we did, she would do whatever she could to help get Elverna back in the classroom. (Positions herself beside DONNELLY and crosses her arms in a show of unity.) We haven’t even heard back from the kidnappers, have we, Ms. Donnelly?

DONNELLY: (Stalls, not wanting to lie.) Uh, well… I haven’t checked my messages lately. Um… any calls come in lately, Hilda?

HILDA: No, Ms. Donnelly. But I was away from my desk for a short time. Perhaps someone else took a message.

DONNELLY: (HAMILTON crosses to the desk and shuffl es through messages with HILDA. DONNELLY gets an idea, lowers her voice and gestures to CAPTAIN PETERS.) See that woman over there?

HIGHTOWER: Yes.DONNELLY: That’s Captain Peters. Captain. (Winks.) Need I say

more?

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HIGHTOWER: (Whispers in disbelief.) Police?DONNELLY: Shhh! You didn’t hear it from me. She specializes in

“covert ops.”HIGHTOWER: These people are with law enforcement? But they look

like they’re just normal parents…DONNELLY: They are just normal parents. (Winks again, selling her

on the idea.) Bake sale mommies focused only on selling a few morsels to raise money for their beloved school.

CAPTAIN: (Sharply, as if calling cadence.) The brownies are placed on the left!

PARENTS: You’re right!HIGHTOWER: (Gets it, but keeps the secret.) Ah, they’re undercover?DONNELLY: (Nods once, clears her throat and raises her voice to a

normal level again.) So as you can see there is nothing out of the ordinary going on here at school today. Is there, Miss Hightower?

HIGHTOWER: Oh, well… um, no. I suppose not. (Drops her voice again.) I’d hate to interfere in an offi cial investigation, but is there anything I can do to help?

DONNELLY: (Brightly.) Just go about your normal school day, Miss Hightower, bringing knowledge to students and contractual adherence to staff and faculty. Here, have a cookie. (Hands her a cookie from a nearby tray.) Nothing in the contract forbidding chocolate chips, is there, Miss Hightower? (Gives her a playful nudge in the ribs.) Now, off you go!

HIGHTOWER: (Slightly confused, but plays along.) Yes. Thank you, Ms. Donnelly. You’re doing a fi ne job. (EXITS RIGHT, contract in one hand, cookie in the other. HAMILTON watches her go, and then crosses to DONNELLY.)

HAMILTON: Did she just thank you?DONNELLY: (Nods, very pleased with herself.) Yes.HAMILTON: And did she just say you were doing a fi ne job?DONNELLY: (Nods again.) Yes. (Offers her another brownie.) Brownie?HAMILTON: (Refuses the brownie and points to the cookie tray.) I’ll have

whatever she had. There’s got to be something pretty powerful in those cookies!

DONNELLY: You know this day hasn’t been all bad. Brownies, no Elverna, fi nally getting the last word with our union rep…

CASEY: (ENTERS RIGHT. Looks around.) Wow, a bake sale! (Grabs some items from a nearby tray.) What are we raising money for this time, Ms. D? Time to remove the mold from the faculty again?

DONNELLY: (Quickly grabs the baked goods back.) I think you mean remove the mold from the faculty lounge, don’t you, Casey?

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CASEY: (Slyly.) Right. Sorry, I always get that wrong.HILDA: (Laughing, she looks up from her work.) Ha! That was a good

one! Remove mold from the faculty—DONNELLY: Was there something you wanted, Casey?CASEY: Um, well, yeah. I wanted to clear up that little fi eld hockey

thing. We didn’t mean any harm. It was just a little joke. Those girls are our friends. Why, Tim and Freida are especially close, I mean, if you see her in gym class, look up, because there dangling perilously above her abnormally large head will be Tim. They’re inseparable.

DONNELLY: Casey, this is a serious matter. Crashing a party in monster masks, frightening innocent young girls—

CASEY: Innocent? Those Amazons were district champs! No one even scored against them all season. Most opponents failed to get across mid-fi eld! On our last school fi eld day they took on the boys’ football team in a friendly game of fl ag football—and won! Frieda was penalized for twirling the nose tackle above her head.

DONNELLY: Be that as it may. You were way out of line, the coach was terribly upset and I’m afraid I’ll have to make an example of you. I think two days in-school suspension for you and your Frankenstein monster friend are in order.

CASEY: (Pleads.) But I can’t be suspended, Ms. D. I just can’t. My dad will send me to military school! We won’t do it again, honest. Come on, be a sport. (Hinting at DONNELLY’S failure to pay the ransom.) Didn’t you ever do anything you regretted? (Strolls over and leans casually on the fundraising thermometer.) Like failing to help someone in need, for example?

DONNELLY: What are you getting at?CASEY: Oh, nothing… Say, where’s Miss Dower today? I heard she

was absent or something. Must be some set of sniffl es to get her down. I mean she’s so dedicated, has high standards and is such a positive infl uence on this entire school. You must be proud to have her on your staff. I bet you’d do anything to get her back… on her feet, I mean.

DONNELLY: (Grabs CASEY by the arm and pulls her DOWNSTAGE for a private chat.) All right, what do you know and how do you know it?

CASEY: Only that you haven’t exactly done a superhero job to get Miss Dower back from wherever she is.

DONNELLY: What makes you think that?CASEY: Come on, Ms. D. You know you can’t keep a secret in this

school. You found out about our fi eld hockey raid, didn’t you?

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(Shakes her head sympathetically.) Poor Miss Dower, I mean, so she complains a little. People should leave her stapler alone.

DONNELLY: It was you on the phone! I should have known you were involved in this. I’ll… I’ll call the police!

CASEY: (Stops her.) Now? Won’t they ask you why you didn’t call them before? And what will they say when I tell them that you refused to pay the ransom, huh? Bye-bye, new furnace! Bye- bye, Principal Donnelly!

DONNELLY: What is it you want? I am not paying a ransom for Miss Dower. In spite of having these lunatics in my offi ce all morning, this has been the nicest day I have ever had at Preston School. I intend to stay right here and do what I set out to do with this school. And I’ll do it my way. And if that means you, Ms. Casey Matthews, will be on the bus to the Lady Generals Military Academy, all the better!

CASEY: Okay, maybe we can help each other. People make mistakes. Maybe I made one by asking for a ransom for Miss Dower, maybe you made one by not paying it. Maybe together we can get Miss Dower to forget this whole thing happened.

DONNELLY: Get Miss Dower to forget? She still remembers the fi rst and last names of students who forgot to bring sharpened pencils thirty years ago!

CASEY: I know. She told me my father was one of them.DONNELLY: (Raises her hand.) So was I. (Momentarily lost in the

memory.) And she always said that the only reason I ever had a pencil at all was to doodle on my English assignments. (Snaps back to reality.) No, this time you’ve gone too far. I’m afraid I have to act on this.

CASEY: Come on, Ms. D. Don’t we all deserve a second chance to do the right thing?

DONNELLY: (Looks at the fundraising thermometer and begins relenting just as HAMILTON joins them.) Well, I suppose—

HAMILTON: (Interrupts, angry.) Second chance? You used up your second chance when you and Tim Stack spent the morning super-gluing all the lunch trays together on cheesy breadstick day.

HILDA: (Chuckles as she listens in.) Oh, what chaos! I’ve never seen such a line in the cafeteria.

CASEY: Those fi eld hockey girls almost rioted. Talk about carb freaks!

HAMILTON: You used your third chance when the two of you tried to order Chinese takeout for the entire fourth period lunchroom.

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CASEY: I had a coupon! It would have worked, too, if fourth period wasn’t at 9:45 in the morning. We should have ordered bagels. Nobody would have questioned 200 bagels at that hour.

HAMILTON: You used your fourth chance when you installed new wallpaper on all the monitors in the computer lab.

CASEY: It was a picture of a man we all admire, our school superintendent.

HAMILTON: Yes, and it would have been a nice gesture—(Builds to a shout.)—if he weren’t in his bathing suit! It was rather unfl attering, to say the least.

CASEY: He’s my neighbor. Can I help it if my room overlooks his pool? You know, he really should diet. He did a cannonball once, and we had water in the basement for a week.

HILDA: (Still laughing.) Personally, I think that one was my favorite.DONNELLY: (Trying not to laugh.) Be that as it may, that was not exactly

in the best of taste.HAMILTON: Or the best judgment. I’ll say this, you’re nothing like your

sister. I’m afraid I will have to call your father and fi ll him in on your exploits.

CASEY: Aw, come on, Ms. D. Imagine if, say, everyone knew about every little bad decision you ever made. Do you know what it’s like to have everyone criticize you all the time? You didn’t know her, but my sister was an honor student when she was here. Top of her class. Good at everything. Miss Perfect. Even Miss Dower liked her! You think I can compete with that? All I ever hear is that if I gave half her effort, I’d be an honor student, too. You don’t know what it’s like living in someone’s shadow like that.

DONNELLY: (Glances at HAMILTON.) I think I may have some idea. (Addresses HAMILTON.) I’d like to speak to young Miss Matthews alone please, Ms. Hamilton. (HAMILTON leaves them alone and sits at the desk doing paperwork with HILDA. Quietly, to CASEY.) All right, listen up. You’re going to let Miss Dower go, and you are going to keep my name out of this, and you are somehow going to keep her from going to the police.

CASEY: How?DONNELLY: Can she identify you?CASEY: No. We had the monster masks on.DONNELLY: Good. (Thinking.) When you let her go, tell her you are

working with undercover school security offi cers. Convince her that your actions were part of a secret assessment of our school security, set up by your neighbor, the superintendent of schools. And thank her for her cooperation and understanding. Tell her

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you’ll be making a full report on how lax things are here. She’s on the school security committee—she’ll buy that, especially if she thinks they were checking up on me. She loves to make me look bad.

CASEY: Who doesn’t? Okay. I get it, she’ll eat it up, and everybody goes home happy. But what if she won’t go along?

DONNELLY: You’ll get her to go along or you’ll graduate with a commission into the Lady Generals Army, Bake Sale Division. (HAMILTON joins them again. DONNELLY changes the subject, clears her throat as she hands CASEY a brownie from the tray.) So, I suppose one more chance wouldn’t hurt. I consider the little matter of the fi eld hockey party closed.

HAMILTON: What? That is so typical. I always have to play the bad cop while you cave in to everybody.

DONNELLY: It’s all right, Ms. Hamilton. I’m sure we won’t have any more “bad decisions,” will we, Casey?

CASEY: No, ma’am! Thanks. I promise… (Hesitates, grabs another brownie from the bake sale table.) Um, no more bad decisions… after today. I’ve got to go. Thanks, again, Ms. D. (Rushes OFF RIGHT.)

CAPTAIN PETERS: (Runs OFF in pursuit of CASEY.) Hey! Did you pay for that brownie? (BLACKOUT.)

End of Scene Two

ACT TWOScene Three

LIGHTS UP: The basement storage room. TIM paces in an agitated manner in front of the open door to the store room. He is mumbling to himself. The room is strewn with papers and open books of all kinds, a large blackboard has the sentence, “I shall not abduct my pedagogue” written several times. An old-style typewriter sits on a box.TIM: Casey will understand. She’s my best friend. A guy can only take

so much. She knows what she’s like. She’ll forgive me.CASEY: (ENTERS LEFT carrying a tray of food.) Who will forgive you?TIM: Where have you been? Never mind. I’m sorry, but I just couldn’t

take any more.CASEY: What are you talking about? And what happened in here? It

looks like the public library threw up or something.TIM: (Overexcited.) What happened in here? I’ll tell you what happened

in here. Miss Dower happened in here, that’s what happened in here.

CASEY: Tim, calm down…

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TIM: You have no idea what I’ve been through. Essays. Poetry. Diagramming sentences. (Imitates Miss Dower.) “In the sentence, ‘Kidnapping is a felonious offense,’ felonious is the adjective.” (Points to blackboard. In his own voice.) I even had to write “I shall not abduct my pedagogue” a hundred times!

CASEY: (Looks at the blackboard and shakes her head sympathetically.) Wow. What’s a pedagogue?

TIM: Funny you should ask. I didn’t know either, so she made me look it up. (Waves a dictionary and pulls out a piece of paper.) “Pedagogue—meaning teacher, from the Latin ‘pedagogus,’ named for the Greek slave who escorted children to school.” That was bad enough, but then the fi nal straw came when Miss Dower “suggested” I do my research paper on famous kidnappings the old fashioned way—on a typewriter with citations made using numbered footnotes! Tiny number one—Encyclopedia Britannica. Tiny number two—IBID.

CASEY: Ibid? What’s ibid?TIM: (Explodes.) More Latin! (Reads.) “From the Latin ‘ibidem,’ meaning

from the same place.” (Looks up.) I thought she was an English teacher. What is this weird obsession with Latin and antique writing equipment? She’s nuts or something! Typewriters and footnotes? People that old shouldn’t be allowed to teach!

CASEY: It could be worse. You could have to do your next journal writing with a quill pen, or with a stone tablet and chisel like on “The Flintstones.”

TIM: So you see why I had to let her go?CASEY: You what?!TIM: I had to! Don’t you understand? Latin! (Waves his papers.)

Footnotes in Latin! On a typewriter! It’s like working in the Dark Ages. It was only a matter of time until she handed us an abacus to count the ransom money!

CASEY: We can’t let her go now! Not like this. I haven’t had a chance to explain the plan I worked out with Donnelly. She’ll go right to the police and ruin everything. They’ll call home for sure. This kidnapping was the worst idea you ever had! Oh, I can hear the sounds of reveille already. Military school, here I come. (Hesitates as a realization hits her.) No, not military school. We kidnapped a teacher. Prison! I’d never survive that either. More uniforms, even earlier bedtimes, no TV and even worse food! And women’s prisons are fi lled with same kind of girls who bully me in gym class. Come on! We have to get her back. I have to talk to Miss Dower before she blabs everything to the wrong people. (They rush OFF, but TIM

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RE-ENTERS to erase the blackboard. Once fi nished, he races OFF again. BLACKOUT. CURTAIN.)

End of Scene Three

ACT TWOScene Four

LIGHTS UP: A hallway, played in front of the CURTAIN. CASEY and TIM rush ON from opposite sides of the stage.CASEY: Have you seen her? Is she in the offi ce?TIM: She wasn’t a minute ago when I peeked in. Where could she

be?CASEY: I thought she’d head to the main offi ce for sure. We’ve got to

fi nd her before she blabs to anybody. If we can just explain that this was just a test of school security, she won’t need to go the cops.

ERIK: (ENTERS LEFT, followed by MICHELLE. He carries a large envelope fi lled with papers. He stops before them and holds up his umbrella in salute. MICHELLE sidles over and fl irts with TIM.) Hail, fearless classmates! I have been looking for you.

CASEY: Erik, have you seen Miss Dower?TIM: Or perhaps a well-armed SWAT team looking for kidnappers?

(CASEY elbows him in the ribs.)ERIK: I crossed paths with Miss Dower only moments ago. She asked

me to fi nd you and give you this. (Hands TIM the envelope. MICHELLE continues to try to fl irt and smile at TIM during the following exchange, while ERIK tries to pull her away, unsuccessfully.)

CASEY: Us? (Nervous.) What could she ever want with us? (TIM shrugs as he opens the envelope.) Well, what is it? Is it ticking?

TIM: (Opens the envelope and pulls out a pile of papers.) No, it’s all the work we’ve done today. She graded it.

CASEY: That means she knows it was us! I knew we should have taken that red pen away. She’ll probably count it in our averages. We’ll fail and get arrested!

TIM: (Proud.) Hey, I did much better on these. (Carefully goes through the papers.) Wow! I’ve never actually seen grades this high from her before. She even wrote me a note.

CASEY: She what?TIM: Miss Dower. She wrote me one of those notes in the margins,

you know like she always does.CASEY: Don’t read it! It’s probably obscene!

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TIM: (Reads from one of the papers.) “Dear Mr. Stack, Despite your attempts to disguise your identity with that ridiculous mask, I recognized your rather unique writing voice immediately. I see our one-on-one sessions have achieved positive results. Your writing has greatly improved and is fi nally living up to your lofty potential. With additional extra help and a desire to use your gift for good and not evil, you might even be published someday.” Published? (Obviously taken with the idea.) Wow! Timothy Stack, published author.

MICHELLE: Published? Oh, Timmy! You know, once I get my big break in show business I’ll be looking for a good screenplay to showcase my many talents.

TIM: Miss Dower complimented me. Me! Wow!CASEY: I’m happy for you. You’ll be the best writer in reform school.

We have to fi nd her. She knows it was us!TIM: (Shows CASEY some papers.) Hey, you did better, too. Maybe she

won’t get us into trouble. I mean, she hasn’t yet, and she went to the trouble of grading all this stuff. Maybe she’s on our side.

CASEY: Our side? You’re crazy. It’s a trick or something. She’s a teacher! We’re kids. That makes us natural enemies. Boy, if you think she got her jollies making us miserable before, what do you think she’ll do to us now?

TIM: Then we should just confess before it’s too late. Adults always like you to ’fess up before they fi gure things out for themselves. We’ll tell them we had one of those things the school psychologist is always pushing… school phobia or test stress or something.

CASEY: Yeah, all of Miss Dower’s students must have that. I know! We’ll cry! That always gets sympathy from adults. And Ms. Donnelly will let us off the hook if we keep her name out of it and make sure she avoids any publicity. Come on, let’s get this over with. (Starts to EXIT LEFT with TIM. BLACKOUT.)

End of Scene Four

ACT TWOScene Five

CURTAIN UP: The main offi ce. DONNELLY, MYRA, CAPTAIN PETERS and HAMILTON stand CENTER. ANDREA and RAPHAELLA work off to the side. HIGHTOWER ENTERS RIGHT and looks around.HIGHTOWER: Ms. Donnelly, have you made any progress? Elverna

has been missing for hours. I know these women are supposed to be undercover, but they don’t seem to actually be doing anything except hanging around the offi ce.

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DONNELLY: Yes, well, that’s the beauty of being undercover, Miss Hightower. I assure you, they may look focused on cookies, but they are in fact incredibly busy trying to fi nd Miss Dower. Now, I think we should let them work. (Tries to shoo HIGHTOWER toward the door, but is approached by MYRA.)

MYRA: Did I hear you right? Do you need to fi nd someone? Maybe I can be of help. Andrea, Raphaella. (Snaps her fi ngers and ANDREA and RAPHAELLA appear front and center.)

ANDREA: We could try to Google her.RAPHAELLA: If she had a GPS chip, this would be cake.HIGHTOWER: (Confused, she indicates CAPTAIN PETERS.) Isn’t she

already supposed to be helping? Isn’t that why you’re here?CAPTAIN: (Comes sharply to attention.) I’m here to supervise the

bake sale theater of operations. Distribution of supplies and confections. (Stands at ease.)

HIGHTOWER: Bake sale? I thought you were conducting an undercover investigation of Miss Dower’s disappearance.

CAPTAIN: Undercover? I have camo if you need me to blend in. I can fi t seamlessly into any environment.

DONNELLY: Yes, look how well you blend in here. Miss Hightower, if you’ll come with me, I can explain.

HIGHTOWER: Just a moment. Aren’t you with the police?CAPTAIN: (Shakes her head.) No, ma’am. You got some bad intel.

Who was your source?HIGHTOWER: (Points to DONNELLY.) Her! Well, Ms. Donnelly? If she is

with the bake sale, then what have you done about Elverna?DONNELLY: (Flustered.) Well, I’m working on that. In fact, I suspect

that Elverna is just fi ne and will turn up any time now, safe and sound.

HIGHTOWER: Liar! Working on it indeed! You’ve misled me about Colonel Confection there…

CAPTAIN: Whoa! I’m only a captain, ma’am. The cookie captain. (Indicates MYRA.) Mrs. Lyman’s the big brass here. She gives the orders, I climb the hills.

HIGHTOWER: The only hill I am interested in climbing is the one that removes her (Indicates DONNELLY.) from this building! She hasn’t changed since she was a student here. Deception, indifference, and who knows what other unprincipled schemes she’s got going.

DONNELLY: Are you calling me unprincipled?HIGHTOWER: Yes! You are an unprincipled principal!

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CASEY: (ENTERS RIGHT with TIM, MICHELLE and ERIK. CASEY and TIM approach DONNELLY. ERIK drifts over to the bake sale table and nibbles on a cookie.) Ms. D., we’ve got to talk to you.

DONNELLY: Not now, Casey.CASEY: No, really. It’s important. (BLACKOUT. ERIK EXITS RIGHT. After

a moment, the EMERGENCY LIGHTS COME UP, barely illuminating the stage area.)

CAPTAIN: It’s gone!MYRA: What’s gone?CAPTAIN: The money from the bake sale. I had it right in front of me,

and now it’s gone!HIGHTOWER: I bet I know who took it. (Stares hard at DONNELLY.)DONNELLY: Are you now accusing me of stealing cookie money?

Me?HAMILTON: That is ridiculous. Ms. Donnelly may have misled you

about calling the police and pretended that these parents were undercover covert operations specialists, but I’m sure there was a good reason. And I assure you, I know she is far from perfect, but she is no thief.

COACH: (ENTERS RIGHT with ERIK, who has a brownie in his hand.) I found this young man running in the hall near the gym. Said he had to get back to his ship before it sailed.

CAPTAIN: Hey, did you pay for that brownie?MYRA: Have you no idea how much pilfering costs us every year? (To

DONNELLY.) I’ve told you we need better security in this building. Why, when Mr. Manelli was here—

DONNELLY: (Defensive.) I’m working on it! (Holds out her hand to ERIK.)

ERIK: (Reluctantly gives over the brownie. Proud.) Pillaging is a time-honored Viking pastime.

MYRA: Don’t I know it. (Sad, to ANDREA and RAPHAELLA.) If it wasn’t for that hostile takeover of my company by that Norwegian seafood fi rm, I’d still have my corner offi ce and you two would be seated in adorable tiny cubbies right outside. Well, come on, I have a book fair to run.

ANDREA: (Brightly.) And shopping to do.RAPHAELLA: (Checks notes.) Yes, today is a special birthday.MYRA: (Thinks.) Birthday? Is it my birthday?ANDREA: No, boss. Your daughter’s, remember? (MYRA is momentarily

disappointed, but seems to recall the occasion.)MYRA: Oh, yes. My dear, little… uh… (Snaps fi ngers in thought.)


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RAPHAELLA: Elizabeth.MYRA: Elizabeth! (Warmly, to all.) It is all about the children, isn’t

it? (To her ASSISTANTS.) We’re off. I suppose it’s too late to buy online? Have I gotten her a Blackberry yet? (MYRA EXITS RIGHT, followed by the ASSISTANTS.)

HAMILTON: (Sarcastic.) Well, we solved the case of the missing brownie. That’s one crime solved. One out of three isn’t bad, but I think we can do better. (Approaches ERIK and stands before him with her arms folded.) Well, Erik?

ERIK: (Innocent.) Well, what?HAMILTON: The money, Erik. Hand it over.ERIK: (Pulls the money from inside his shield and hands it over to her.)

How did you know?HAMILTON: Easy. Pillaging is a time-honored Viking pastime, isn’t it,

Erik?ERIK: So you see, I had no choice. It’s in my blood! Sure, you can take

the warrior out of Scandinavia, but the urge to fi ght, to conquer, to honor my heritage, to gain the spoils of war… it’s overwhelming!

DONNELLY: (To MICHELLE.) What about you? Were you in on this?MICHELLE: (Recoils in horror.) Me? I got no Scandinavian heritage,

and Italians do not pillage. We’re lovers and artists, not fi ghters. Besides, I signed up to play the beautiful warrior goddess in this production. I don’t play criminal sidekicks.

DONNELLY: Very well. Hilda, take custody of our Viking and escort him to the in-school suspension room until I am ready for him.

HILDA: Right away, Ms. Donnelly. Come on, Erik.ERIK: (To CASEY and TIM as HILDA leads him OFF RIGHT.) If they kill

me for this, I want the honor of a Viking funeral. Set me adrift on a fl aming raft with a dead dog at my feet.

MICHELLE: Uh-uh, don’t look at me. I don’t play animal roles. Didn’t you read that comic book? I am a star! (Flips her hair playfully at TIM.) Don’t you think I’m a star, Timmy?

TIM: (Nods enthusiastically.) Ho-yeah!DONNELLY: (Pleasantly surprised.) Ms. Hamilton, when I was accused

of… well, I believe you stood up for me.HAMILTON: Well, don’t get used to it. You may be an incompetent

principal who is completely in over her head with this job, but at least I know you are an honest incompetent. I knew you didn’t take that money.

DONNELLY: I think that’s the nicest thing you ever said to me. Thank you.

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HIGHTOWER: I hate to interrupt this lovely administrative moment, but there is still the little matter of our missing teacher!

MONTY: (Rushes IN RIGHT.) Sir, I think I found the problem with the circuits—mice! They keep eating through the wires. I was down in the sub-basement talking to Miss Dower and right there—(CASEY and TIM react with horror, DONNELLY with caution. The OTHERS are excited and pleased.)

DONNELLY: Miss Dower?HIGHTOWER: Thank goodness! Where?MONTY: In the circuit box.HAMILTON: Miss Dower was in the circuit box?MONTY: (Puzzled.) No, sir, the mouse was. Sitting there as bold as you

please, chewin’ on the wires. I’ll put a few traps down, and I think that will keep the lights on for a while.

HIGHTOWER: What about Elverna? Is she all right? Where was she?MONTY: (Unconcerned.) She seems to be. I was in the sub-basement

trying to jury-rig something to get the lights back on again, and I heard something scurrying around. I turned and there she was. Scared the daylights out of me! Talk about a big mouse! And then I noticed there was another noise from the circuit box.

HAMILTON: Whatever was she doing in the basement?MONTY: I told you, chewin’ on the wires!HAMILTON: Not the mouse! What was Miss Dower doing in the

basement? We’ve been looking for her all day!MONTY: She said she had been searching for some textbooks and

somehow got herself locked in the book room. She said it took her most of the day to get back out again. (CASEY and TIM exchange surprised looks. DONNELLY looks at them, they shrug in confusion.)

HIGHTOWER: I knew that room would be the end of one of us! That lock doesn’t open from the inside, and the door won’t stay open. (To MONTY.) I put a work order in on that door months ago.

MONTY: (Defensive.) And I’ve been busy trying to keep this school in lights and heat with nothing more than rubber bands and chewing gum…

DONNELLY: Oh, please, don’t mention chewing gum!MONTY: It’s just like that Star Trek episode. You know the one. The

ship is stuck in this big spider web in space, and the engineer—DONNELLY: Where is Elverna now, Mr. Montgomery?MONTY: Oh, I’m not sure, sir. She said she had important business

to tend to. (Looks at her watch.) And so do I. I’ve got traps to set! (EXITS RIGHT as TIM pulls CASEY aside.)

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TIM: You see, I told you she was okay. She didn’t rat us out.CASEY: You mean she didn’t rat us out yet. You heard the custodian—

she had important business to get to. It probably means that she’s cooking up something worse than death for us.

TIM: Aw, give her a chance. I think she’s on our side.CASEY: Are you nuts? All that schoolwork has fried your brain! She has

tortured us all day, and now she’s working on the grand fi nale.BENTLEY: (ENTERS RIGHT with POST.) Ms. Donnelly, thank goodness

Elverna is safe.POST: No thanks to the appalling condition of this building. It’s bad

enough to teach without heat or lights or to be overrun with mold, but now if the rooms themselves are going to hold us hostage…

BENTLEY: (To HIGHTOWER.) She was stuck in that book room!HIGHTOWER: I’ve got the grievance forms right here. A clear violation!

(Flips through the contract booklet.) I’m sure that being swallowed whole by a subterranean book storage room only to escape and be threatened by hostile wire-eating vermin is covered under section fi fteen-stroke-J—Safe Working Environment.

DONNELLY: Yes, yes, yes. A clear violation, but the main thing is that Elverna’s fi ne now, just as I always believed she would be. And Monty will have that pesky wire-eating mouse wrestled to the ground in no time. So… all’s well that ends, I always say. Now if everyone can just go on with our day…

POST: Poor Elverna. You know, she said she learned a lot about the people in this school while she was stuck in there all day.

DONNELLY: (Concerned.) Really? Um, did she happen to say anything specifi c to you ladies? I mean, she probably didn’t want to talk about it. She’d probably like to go home for a rest fi rst… a long rest. Tell her to take the rest of the week off, or a month, or perhaps she’s ready to retire now—you know, before even talking about what happened here today.

BENTLEY: No. You know Elverna. Right back to work. She’s teaching her last period class right now, as a matter of fact. She even stopped in for the end of our Arts Festival committee meeting.

POST: And that’s another thing. (To DONNELLY.) A school of our size and we have not yet received a single literature entry worthy of representing Preston School.

HAMILTON: And if anyone knows the spirit of our school, it’s Miss Dower.

POST: Hosting that festival was our chance to restore Viking pride, and instead we’ll be the only school in the district without an entry. It’s disgraceful.

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BENTLEY: You really must do something about the lack of student participation.

DONNELLY: I don’t see how I can change that. You know I support the arts, but I can’t force students to participate in artistic activities. (Still curious.) And what about Miss Dower? She just went back to work? She really didn’t say anything else?

BENTLEY: No, nothing else. She was just concerned about the festival. Oh, and she did ask us to give this to you. (Hands two papers to DONNELLY. They are entry forms for the Arts Festival.)

CASEY: (Sees an opportunity to get clean away.) Well, I’m glad all this worked out. Too bad about the Viking. Who knew? He always seemed so normal. We’ll get started on that funeral raft in case you need it. (Looks at her watch.) Hey, I should be in art class now.

TIM: (Serious.) You know, Casey, I’d like to stay after school today and go to the library. Do some more research on that Limberger kid and his horse. (Eyes MICHELLE.) And Valkyries. (They begin to EXIT RIGHT.)

DONNELLY: (Reads over the papers from Miss Dower, then catches TIM and CASEY just before they make their EXIT RIGHT.) Just a minute! On behalf of Miss Dower, I’ve been asked to make you fi ne students an offer she says you can’t refuse. (Smiles broadly, hands each of the STUDENTS an entry form. CASEY looks her paper over and groans. TIM eagerly grabs his, reads it and begins fi lling it out.)

CASEY: Oh, no! No!DONNELLY: (Still smiling.) I think it is a marvelous idea. Well, Ms.

Casey? What’s it going to be, proud Viking in the arts festival or Lady General? (Salutes. BLACKOUT.)

End of Scene Five

ACT TWOScene Six

LIGHTS UP: The main offi ce. CASEY steps toward the AUDIENCE as the rest of the CAST EXITS.CASEY: Well, that’s it. The whole chaotic Tuesday in February. All in

all, though, I guess things didn’t turn out so bad. Ms. Donnelly and Miss Dower learned to coexist, sort of. Let’s just say they’re “working on it.” Oh, and since the school got the money it needed to get that new boiler, the PTA now has just the right temperature to encourage productive browsing at book fairs, and there are no invading Klingons or Vikings or mice in sight. And as for us, well, Miss Dower didn’t press any charges or anything. I didn’t get sent

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to military school. We just each had to write up an entry for the Arts Festival. We’d had enough of essays and poetry for a while, so we decided on plays. And since writers are supposed to write what they know… I chose to tell the story of a certain Tuesday in February. So, what did you think? Not bad, huh? Miss Dower said we could take a little “literary license,” but some of what you have just seen might even be true. Oh, and you’re probably wondering whatever happened to Tim. He became Miss Dower’s favorite protégé. I think that’s another Latin word, but it means she looks out for him. Miss Dower entered his play in the National Young Playwrights competition. He’s in the fi nals.

TIM: (ENTERS LEFT, wears clothes befi tting a playwright and sports a white scarf. On his arm is MICHELLE, who wears a boa and hangs on his every word. Dramatic and over-enunciated, as if perhaps Miss Dower were speaking.) It was a heartwarming fantasy tale of a boy, his horse and his cheese. It was a malodorous little cheese, and it made the boy an outcast… until he met a beautiful superhero named Valkyrie.

CASEY: (Interrupts.) Hey, don’t give it away, Tim. One play at a time. Make them buy another ticket. (To AUDIENCE.) Good night, folks. (Begins to EXIT RIGHT.)

TIM: (As he and MICHELLE EXIT.) Ah, “night,” from the German “nacht” which is derived, of course, from the Latin word, “nox”… (BLACKOUT.)

END OF PLAY

Set Design

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PRODUCTION NOTES

PROPERTIESACT ONEBROUGHT ON, Scene One:

Backpack containing jacket, gloves, hat, scarf (CASEY)Headphones, gum (TIM)

ONSTAGE, Scene Two: Counter, secretary’s desk and chairs, fl ag, blackboard, P.A. microphone, telephone (on desk), pen and hall pass paper (on desk)

BROUGHT ON, Scene Two:Flashlights (DONNELLY, HAMILTON, HILDA)Teacher contract (HIGHTOWER)Backpack, umbrella, shield (ERIK)Small umbrella in a wild print, gum, index card (MICHELLE)Stack of papers (POST)Clipboards, boxes labeled “Brilliant Book Fair,” folders with paper,

business cards (ANDREA, RAPHAELLA)ONSTAGE, Scene Three: several boxes, one box with costume pieces

including a robe, skimpy skirt and breastplate, one box with play posters and programs

BROUGHT ON, Scene Three:Monster masks (CASEY, TIM)

ONSTAGE, Scene Four: Same as Scene Two, with added boxes labeled “Brilliant Book Fair”

BROUGHT ON, Scene Four:Teacher contract (HIGHTOWER)Gum (COACH SEAVER)

ONSTAGE, Scene Five: Same as Scene ThreeBROUGHT ON, Scene Five:

Papers, pen or pencil, poster of acrostic poem (TIM)Backpack with books (CASEY)Umbrellas (ERIK, MICHELLE)

ONSTAGE, Scene Six: Same as Scene FourBROUGHT ON, Scene Six:

Notepad, clipboard, “Emergency Fundraising Kit” (ANDREA, RAPHAELLA)

Cell phone (CAPTAIN PETERS, MYRA)Plates and Tupperware of baked goods, tablecloths, boxes marked

“plants,” “decorations” and “candy,” cardboard thermometer marking sale progress (PTA PARENTS)

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ONSTAGE, Scene Seven: Same as Scene ThreeBROUGHT ON, Scene Seven:

Monster mask, hall pass, ransom note, pile of papers (TIM)Book, cell phone, paper, pen (CASEY)Gum (DONNELLY)

ACT TWOONSTAGE, Scene One: Same as ACT ONE, Scene SevenONSTAGE, Scene Two: Same as ACT ONE, Scene Seven with new

fundraising thermometer showing bake sale halfway to goal, more fundraising items (including cookies and brownies), boxes marked “wrapping paper,” messages on the desk

BROUGHT ON, Scene Two:Teacher contract (HIGHTOWER)

ONSTAGE, Scene Three: Same as ACT TWO, Scene One with added books, papers, blackboard, dictionary, typewriter

BROUGHT ON, Scene Three:Tray of food (CASEY)

BROUGHT ON, Scene Four:Envelope full of papers, umbrella (ERIK)

ONSTAGE, Scene Five: Same as ACT TWO, Scene Two with addition of money on bake sale table

BROUGHT ON, Scene Five:Teacher contract (HIGHTOWER)Shield, brownie, money (ERIK)Watch (CASEY)Two entry forms (BENTLEY)

SOUND EFFECTSSchool bell, telephone.

COSTUMESMYRA wears a pantsuit. CAPTAIN PETERS should wear a touch of camo. LOCKMAN wears a loud novelty tie that lights up and plays music. MONTY wears a Star Trek t-shirt and a large ring of keys. ERIK wears a Viking helmet and MICHELLE wears a Viking helmet with pigtails attached. Students and adults alike should be dressed befi tting a cold February day. In ACT TWO, Scene Six, Tim wears clothes befi tting a playwright and a white scarf. Michelle wears a boa.

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FLEXIBLE CASTINGThe following roles can be either gender with very few line changes: Principal Donnelly, Monty, Captain Peters, Coach Seaver, Andre/Andrea and Raphael/Raphaella. The students who mill about in ACT ONE, Scene One can double as the PTA PARENTS and can again be of either gender. For a smaller cast, the following roles can be combined: MRS. POST and MRS. BENTLEY, MR. LOCKMAN and COACH SEAVER, ANDREA and RAPHAELLA.

ORIGINAL CASTThe Ransom of Miss Elverna Dower premiered at LaGrange Middle School in LaGrangeville, NY on November 7-8, 2008 under the direction of Laurie Bryant and Karen Kleidman with the following cast:

PRINCIPAL DONNELLY ................Lisa DeliaCASEY MATTHEWS ....................Rachel PlotkinTIM STACK ................................Calvin LudwigMS. HAMILTON ..........................Becca BevacquaMISS HIGHTOWER .....................Brooke WallaceERIK the VIKING ........................Dan MurphyMICHELLE .................................Emily RothschildMYRA ......................................Jenna FerraraCAPTAIN PETERS .......................Rachel RepinzMONTY .....................................Brett DevorsetzCOACH SEAVER .........................Suvruta IruvantiANDREA ...................................Yamilex SantanaRAPHAELLA ...............................Asma ArroonMR. LOCKMAN ..........................Alex Van RoijenMS. POST .................................Erika BauerleinMRS. BENTLEY .........................Isabella StarvaggiHILDA .......................................Amanda FriedemannPTA MOMS ................................Tori L. Bailey, Ali Dahnert, Kara

StephensSpecial thanks to Toni Forsythe, Debi Arnouts and Casey Bryant.

44 PHOTOCOPYING THIS SCRIPT BREAKS FEDERAL COPYRIGHT LAWS

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