Bullies In The FamilyBullies In The Family

Teaching Parents And Kids About Sibling Violence

Mardi Winder-Adams. M.Ed, CDMPositive Communication Systems

www.poscs.com

Quick Facts on Sibling ViolenceQuick Facts on Sibling Violence

Straus and Gelles (1996) have estimated that over 29 million children commit an act of violence against a sibling each year.

In a study in the Journal Child Maltreatment, 35% of children reported being “hit or attacked” by a sibling in the last year.

14 percent reported repeated attacks 4.55% had reported injuries from the abuse 2% were attacked using weapons, including knives

and guns Most common age of victimization is 6 to 12 Boys are slightly more victimized than girls (56%

compared to 49% respectively)

Facts continuedFacts continued In 1980 Dr. Murray Straus published “Behind Closed

Doors” and found that 74 percent of a representative sample of children had pushed or shoved a sibling within the year and 42 percent had kicked, bitten or punched a brother or sister.

Sibling violence is the same offense in the eyes of the law as domestic violence between adults, but is typically heard in juvenile court and rarely results in jail time.

Typically a pattern of violence rather than a one time incident is required for legal action to occur.

7 million children are estimated to have been attacked and beaten by a sibling once in their lifetime according to the National Family Violence Survey

Characteristics of Sibling Characteristics of Sibling ViolenceViolence

Repetitive in natureOften includes verbal threatsMay include significant physical injuryUnexplained bruises or marksUnwillingness for a sibling to spend

time alone with the otherTypically under reported by the victim

or excuses or explanations provided by the offender

Normal Versus ViolentNormal Versus ViolentArguments over physical

resources often common between siblings

Arguments over love, affection and belonging more damaging

Physical aggression with remorse versus no remorse

Violence towards sibling’s friendsViolent themes in conversation

Warning Signs For ParentsWarning Signs For ParentsUnexplained “control” over

siblingsFear of being alone with siblingFear of talking about issuesLack of communication with

parents due to inaction by parents in the past

Violence in conversation and themes

What We Can DoWhat We Can Do

Developing and Implementing Parent Classes and Community Awareness

Teaching ParentsTeaching ParentsEducation starts with Mom and

Dad, Grandparents and guardiansDebunking common beliefsLearning how to talk to childrenIdentifying key behaviorsProviding scripts for

conversationsEvaluating and monitoring family

dynamics

What To IncludeWhat To IncludeAddress cruel behavior between

childrenSupervision of childrenSiblings as babysitters – pros and

consTelltale signs of violenceHidden signs of violence

Communication BasicsCommunication BasicsHow to talk to the victimHow to talk to the bullyManaging power and controlTransferring power and controlI messagesManaging emotionsAvoiding blameAvoiding shut-downs by kids

I MessagesI Messages

I feel _________ (emotion) when __________ (description) because ______________ (how it impacts me) and what I would like is ________________(desired resolution).

Transferring Power and Transferring Power and ControlControl

Appropriate actions to takeWhat is a realistic responsibility

for a child of a given ageEmotional age versus

chronological ageConsequences for inappropriate

actionsConsequences for retaliation

Talking With The Victimized Talking With The Victimized ChildChild

I messagesEmpathy and understandingProviding support but not

fostering helplessness or lack of empowerment

Being honest not minimizingTaking responsibility as the

parent

Talking As A FamilyTalking As A FamilyConversations about violence

and abuseConversations about positive

interactionsConflict resolution practiceCommunication skills

developmentProviding reasonable opportunity

for control and responsibility

Additional IssuesAdditional IssuesCounseling for both childrenFamily counseling to

develop/redevelop communication and relationships

Monitoring by an outside person that has worked with the family

Celebrations of success