Building relationships in any situationpositive relationships to be one of the strongest predictors...

Manuscript Draft: Not to be copied or shared without written permission of the author. Copyright © 2018 Beverly A. Lonsbury, Ph.D.

Building relationships in any situation

Church Leader’s Guide

Beverly A. Lonsbury, Ph.D.

Pastoral Care and Counseling

www.icanrelategame.com

http://www.icanrelategame.com/

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Building relationships in any situation

PREFACE “Dear friend, I pray that you may enjoy good health and that all may go well with you, even as your soul is getting along well.”

~ 3 John: 2

BACKGROUND FOR LEADERS:

Building healthy relationships includes understanding the important concept of well-being. Yet, well-being has been one of the most challenging and elusive topics of human inquiry and speculation. Social Science, Healthcare, and Religious experts agree—there is no consensus around a single definition of well-being. At a basic level, well-being includes the presence of positive emotions and the absence of negative emotions. Therefore, creating positive emotions within relationships is a key factor. Most researchers in the field consider having supportive, positive relationships to be one of the strongest predictors of well-being. Positive relationships also have a profound effect on physical and cognitive well-being. We are relational beings. Healthy relationships and emotional, mental, physical, and spiritual well-being go hand-in-hand. Healthy relationships fuel the presence of positive emotions and decrease the likelihood of negative emotions thus promoting well-being in heart, body, mind, and soul. The “I Can Relate” definition used for well-being focuses on the capacity to build and maintain healthier, deeper, and more satisfying relationships. It is grounded in the greatest commandment as spoken by Jesus in Luke 10:27 (NIV) – “Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind; and, Love your neighbor as yourself.” In this commandment, Jesus includes your relationships with God, others and yourself—in heart, body, mind, and soul. This commandment describes the fullness of emotional and spiritual well-being. Directly following this commandment (Luke 10:30-37), Jesus shares the Parable of the Good Samaritan that offers the perfect example of goodness, compassion, and generosity toward others. This is another hallmark of well-being—contributing to the needs and happiness of others. These verses sum up and exemplify the essence of emotional and spiritual well-being. This leader’s guide will give you the information needed to teach others how to use the “I Can Relate” 4-step method* and game. You will find background information about building relationships including: exercises for participants; empathy guessing skills; vocabulary charts of relational words; and other resources. The game and method will show you and those you teach how to sort various Bible and life experiences using the game and these 4-steps*:

1) Observing situations without evaluation

2) Sorting, naming and expressing our feelings

3) Sorting and naming our needs (and managing anxiety); then

4) Responding with empathy.

*Based on the 4-steps used by Nonviolent Communication (NVC). NVC uses the 4 steps: “Observations,” “Feelings,” “Needs,” and “Requests.”

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Seeking to be observers by sorting through the situations that most impact our health and well-being gives us clarity and provides the “a-ha” insights that enable us to respond with intention to those situations that are particularly “energy charged,” in other words, the situations that are most “intense, alive or meaningful.”

The goal is to become more self-aware, compassionate, and mindful of our feelings and needs. As we learn to connect with others by naming our feelings and our needs, we are able to get to know the other person at a deeper level as well. This promotes a richer experience of Christian life together. One of the most important goals is increasing the well-being of all involved in order to achieve connection with compassion and empathy.

The “I Can RELATE” Game and Method

Using this method within your life situations can boost your energy and nourish your health emotionally, spiritually and relationally. The key concepts used to build relationships include: 1) Observing Situations without evaluation; 2) Enhancing well-being by sorting and noticing our feelings in the moment; 3) Connecting our feelings with our needs and Coping with Anxiety; and 4) Building Compassion and Empathy. The concepts covered in this guide use a variety of time-honored Theological, Social Science, and Philosophical resources noted in the reference section.

The “I Can RELATE” game is easy to play and includes situations from life experiences. The game encourages you to “put yourself in someone else’s shoes” and teaches how to have more empathy, compassion and understanding. The game involves practicing relating to others by choosing a Life or Bible situation printed on a card and imagining what feelings and needs the person in the situation might be experiencing. The object of the game is guessing how the person in the situation would respond. By using the game, you will build your vocabulary of words that can help you express yourself and build empathy by getting to know others (and yourself) better.

How do we enhance well-being within relationships?

Prayerfully and intentionally building our relationships with God and others enhances well-being. Developing a cohesive Christian life-story also enhances well-being. Our life stories include layers of situations—and some are more important than others. As we become clear about the situations that are most energy-charged in our life (both positive and challenging), we improve our well-being.

Increasing our capacity for self-observation within the most important situations brings present-moment awareness about how situations are affecting us both positively and negatively. This is often referred to as “mindfulness.” We can become aware of our reactions to these situations and thus learn to respond rather than react. Noticing the anxiety we feel in various situations actually helps us learn about our own tendencies and relationships. Noticing when we experience feelings of enjoyment helps us as well by clarifying the experiences and relationships that nourish us and enrich our lives. Separating and naming using the 4 steps in these situations—then connecting or linking the steps back together in a new and healthier way—helps us sort through the situations in life that most deeply alter us emotionally, affect our relationships, and thus affect our level of well-being. This guide and the “I Can RELATE” game introduce a variety of skills for increasing well-being in relationships by using a sorting process* of “separating, naming, and connecting.” Social Science experts such as Daniel Siegel (Interpersonal Neurobiology) refer to this process as “integration” (differentiation and linkage).

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Chapter 1: Identifying Energy-Charged Situations through Observations

“Observe the commands of the Lord your God, walking in his ways and revering him. For the Lord your God is bringing you into a good land—a land with streams and pools of water, with springs flowing in the valleys and hills; a land with wheat and barley, vines and fig trees, pomegranates, olive oil and honey, a land where bread will not be scarce and you will lack nothing; a land where the rocks are iron and you can dig copper out of the hills. When you have eaten and are satisfied, praise the Lord your God for the good land he has given you.”

~ Deuteronomy 8:6-10

“Our minds strive to make sense of situations that impact our life stories.”

~ Beverly Lonsbury, PhD


Why is it important to sort and understand our stories?

Creating stories is one of the most complex things a human brain does. Within our life stories, there are layers of embedded situations that affect us. The situations may vary in importance or length of time—yet deep within us, the various situations we have encountered impact our greater life stories.

Our minds strive to make coherent stories by making sense of the various situations that affect our lives. As we unravel our stories, and explore how the various life situations have affected our Christian story, we can intentionally make changes within ourselves that enable us to become healthier more Christ-like human beings.

Some situations in our lives give us positive energy and feelings of aliveness and enjoyment. However, we may not take the time to stop and to enjoy the pleasure we are experiencing in these “Positive Situations.” We may not be fully appreciating the energy we receive and the sense of well-being these situations bring to our lives—and therefore, we may not stop to praise God for these blessings.

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On the other hand, some situations create negative energy and feelings of anxiety and unhappiness. These “Challenging Situations” take energy from us and rob us of our coherent stories—and therefore, we may not stop to pray and talk to God about these situations that cause us pain.

These Positive Situations and Challenging Situations (both are considered Energy-charged Situations) have a way of deeply affecting our Christian life stories. As we sort and unravel our stories, we develop awareness and clarity about Energy-charged Situations thus building coherent stories that foster compassion towards others and well-being within ourselves.

Begin by noticing and describing the details of the situation

Observing and describing situations without evaluation is the first step in the process of relating and enhancing well-being. In order to clearly observe and then describe Energy-charged Situations it is important to be present in the moment. Begin by asking:

Who is involved?

Where is it happening?

When did it happen?

What is going on?

Try to avoid asking why or how it is happening because asking why or how often leads to blaming, judging, or at the very least, evaluation. To start, just name the details of who, what, when, where—and be as specific as possible. You might imagine recording your situation with a video camera—in other words, what details are most important to include and what do I observe? At the end of this chapter, there is a form that will help you understand and teach this step.

The following examples on pages 5-7 could be used in teaching the method to others. As you read each of the following examples of everyday situations that may affect short-term well-being, be present to what is going on, who is involved, when and where it is happening.

Situation #1: Ann and a good friend just took a two-hour walk. Ann realized she had a few things on her mind and she noticed she did most of the talking while her friend just listened.

Situation #2: Jason woke up one hour late and was in a hurry to get to work on time. As he was driving to work, someone cut in front of him and began driving 15 miles below the speed limit.

Situation #3: Elena was preparing a meal to welcome several friends who were visiting from Mexico City. When her friends arrived at her home, she noticed their big smiles as they saw some of their favorite food being prepared.

Situation #4: Clark was preparing a special dinner for his mother’s birthday. Just as his parents arrived, Clark’s wife texted him to let him know she would be one hour late. This is the third time Clark’s wife has been late during the past week.

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Summary of the situations:

Notice the situations: 1 and 3 are Positive Situations and situations 2 and 4 are Negative or Challenging Situations. Yet, they can all be considered Energy-charged Situations that bring about either positive or negative energy. For example, positive energy in situations 1 and 3 might include feelings of satisfaction, contentment, joy, refreshment, encouragement, and other positive feelings. While the negative energy in situations 2 and 4 could include feelings of frustration, resentment, irritation, discouragement, or other negative feelings. In all 4 examples, the feelings tend to linger for a period of time after the experience has happened.

Hence, Energy-charged Situations really refer to what is active and alive in us over a period of time. And we can ask ourselves—what remains within us after we experience the situation? Which situations carry the most energy and meaning either positively or negatively after the situation is experienced by us? The situations that tend to stay with us for a period of time are the situations we want to pay particular attention to and to explore.

Also, notice the details in the brief descriptions. As you practice identifying and describing situations, you can continue to ask yourself, what is alive (gives energy or depletes energy) in me right now? Then, without judgment, blame, or evaluation, attempt to clearly and specifically describe that situation.

More Complex Situations:

Situation #5: Marianne was having coffee alone at her kitchen table and thinking about how her children are now all grown up and either in college or working full-time. Situation #6: Robert was counting on receiving a promotion and a raise. When he arrived at work, he was told that the company was closing and he would receive a 2-month severance package. Situation #7: Sue was attending her first class at a new middle school and did not know where to have lunch. A student from her class just walked over to her desk and invited Sue to join her and a few friends for lunch.

Situation #8: Cindy’s 16-year-old daughter had been diagnosed with an eating disorder 2 days ago. At her book club gathering, Cindy’s 6 friends were discussing what was new in their lives.

Summary of the Complex Situations:

Notice that these situations are more complicated and complex. For example, situation 5 could be positive and/or challenging. Marianne might be thrilled that her children are now becoming independent adults who do not need the same level of parenting. Marianne and her husband now have time to take the trips they have always wanted to take and/or they can now focus on their relationship as a couple. Or—Marianne might be feeling concerned because one of her

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children is feeling lonely or just failed a mid-term exam—or she might be grieving the loss of her primary role in parenting her children Situation 7 is most likely a positive situation, however, Sue might be feeling excited or anxious about this new group of potential friends. Sue may have transferred to a new middle school after being bullied at her previous school and she may now be wondering if she will be accepted at this new school. Or she may have had a positive experience at her previous school and confident about finding new friendships. Situations 6 and 8 bring new challenges as Robert has to face the loss of employment and Cindy is now faced with her daughter’s illness. Robert and Cindy might both be in disbelief or feeling pain as they face these new realities. Robert most likely has a number of questions regarding preparing to find a new job, unemployment assistance, healthcare insurance, and a variety of other questions. Cindy is probably wondering how much to share with her book club. She might be asking herself questions such as: Would they be supportive? Would they keep confidential what Cindy shares with them? In other words, there are layers of feelings and needs that could be triggered by these 4 situations which are explored further in the following chapters as well as through playing the I Can RELATE game.

EXERCISES FOR YOUR PARTICIPANTS:

Play the game “I Can RELATE”

The rules for playing the game are on pages 32 and 33. Use the rules for, “A Light-hearted Competition” the first time you play the game. After you play the game, you may want to have your participants complete the following exercises:

Exercise 1:

1: Describe any situations or people you related to while playing the game.

__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

2: Write down some of the feelings that stood out to you while playing the game:

__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

3: Write down some of the needs that stood out to you while playing the game:

__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

4. Were there any surprises? If so, describe them below:

__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

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Chapter 2: Developing our Well-Being through Sorting, Naming, and Expressing our Feelings

“One of them, when he saw he was healed, came back, praising God in a loud voice. He threw himself at Jesus’ feet and thanked him—and he was a Samaritan. Jesus asked, ‘Were not all ten cleansed? Where are the other nine? Was no one found to return and give praise to God except this foreigner?’ Then he said to him, “Rise and go: your faith has made you well.”

~ Luke 17:15-19

“The ability to monitor feelings from moment to moment is crucial to psychological insight and self-understanding. An inability to notice our true feelings leaves us at their mercy.”

~ Daniel Goleman

“Learning to sort through layers of feelings then identifying the feelings that most closely relate to what we are experiencing in the situation helps satisfy our needs for meaning, clarity, and emotional health.”

~ Beverly Lonsbury, PhD Pastoral Care & Counseling


What are Feelings?

Feelings are the intervening emotions we experience in the moment that we can categorize and name. Feelings give us information about ourselves, our experiences, and our situations that are not available from logic or thinking alone. Feelings are basic to all humans and are one of our primary survival tools that alert us to dangers and opportunities. Feelings are an instantaneous assessment of whether a situation is good for us or not.

As we express our feelings and listen deeply to the feelings of the other person we connect emotionally with one another in the moment.

Our lives become healthier as we are able to express an assortment of feelings and subtle nuances of related feelings. As we expand our vocabulary of feelings, we tend to have more depth in how we experience Christian life and our relationships. It is then possible to connect

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with and express more deeply the fullness of the feeling—and to have compassion toward others.

Taking Responsibility for Your Feelings

Feelings are a result of how we perceive what is communicated to us and experienced through our needs and values in the moment. An important teaching is to accept responsibility for our own feelings rather than assuming they result from something others say or do. Others do not have the power to “make” us feel a certain way. Taking responsibility for our feelings means we take the time to explore what is under our feelings.

Playing the “I Can RELATE” game along with the exercises in this guide builds awareness of feelings that are connected with the needs and values that we experience. A natural outcome of using the steps and playing the game is becoming more self-aware and willing to accept responsibility for our feelings.

Why are Feelings Important?

Expressing our feelings helps us cope with life, deepens relationships, and enhances our sense of

well-being. Sometimes healthy emotional coping skills are not taught. In some families,

unhealthy messages were inferred even if they were not spoken. These messages can include:

“don’t feel, don’t talk, and don’t trust.” When this happens, feelings are then repressed,

ignored, distorted—and often pushed out of self-awareness.

Expressing feelings can be learned and practiced from within a safe, trusting relationship. Below are some elements of healthy emotional coping:

Learn about feelings and develop a vocabulary of feelings

Allow feelings to surface (rather than pushing them away)

Learn to sort and name your feelings so you can put them into words

Develop a safe relationship with someone you can trust

Learn to share with this safe and trusted other person

Develop the ability to prayerfully give and receive in this relationship

Find a pastor, counselor, or other professional support if needed

Naming Your Feelings

The second step involves encouraging your participants to name and express their feelings that are associated with the situation. Identifying and naming feelings is an important piece of using the concept of separating-naming-connecting to increase well-being. As we sort through and name the variety of feelings we have, we are separating (or differentiating) our feelings—and then connecting the feelings back to the situation we are experiencing. By doing this mindful process, we increase our self-awareness which creates cohesiveness within our situations.

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Becoming more aware of the subtle nuances of a variety of feelings helps us sort and clarify what we are experiencing in the moment. This sorting process along with prayer is a key aspect of healthy well-being. Developing a thick vocabulary of feelings is important for being able to more accurately define and express what we are truly feeling.


On pages 12 and 13, you will find a Vocabulary of Feelings chart that you can use in your teaching. The chart can be used as a resource while playing the game and guiding participants through the exercises below:

Exercise 2:

Write down one common word you use to express a positive feeling and one common word you use to describe a challenging or negative feeling.

Common Positive Feeling: ___________________

Common Challenging or Negative Feeling: ___________________

Take a few minutes to read through the Vocabulary of Feelings chart on pages 12 and 13. Now, for each of the words you wrote above, list two feelings that may be less common in your everyday language, but which better describe common feelings. For example, a common feeling is “good” and more descriptive feelings might include, “enthusiastic,” “moved,” or “hopeful.” A common challenging feeling is “sad” and more descriptive feelings might include, “lonely,” “heartbroken,” or “hopeless.”

More Descriptive Positive Feelings: ______________________________

______________________________

More Descriptive Challenging Feelings: ______________________________

______________________________

Connecting Your Feelings with Your Situations

As you begin naming and expressing your feelings, it is important to notice and identify the Energy-charged Situations that either bring you enjoyment in your life – feelings of well-being, or take away the enjoyment in your life -- feelings of unhealthy anxiety.

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This process of sorting and unraveling the situations that bring energy—either positive or negative—and then using the information you find to either 1) repeat the positive; or 2) creatively respond to the negative in a way that diminishes the negative and empowers the positive.

With practice, we build healthy integrative patterns (healthy neural pathways) in our brains and in the process teach our brains to focus on health and well-being.


As you play the game a second time with participants, use the rules for “A Conversation Starter” and play the Relate cards (Feelings and Needs cards) face up. Encourage participants to try to use new or uncommon words to describe what the person(s) in the situation may be feeling. You might also ask them to say why they think the feeling connects back to the situation. For this round of playing the game, encourage your participants to focus on how the person in the situation would feel using the purple words. One of the primary goals is for your participants to expand their vocabulary of feelings. Exercise 3: 1: Describe any situations or people you related to while playing the game.

__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

2: Write down any feelings that stood out to you as you played the game:

______________________________________________________________________________

______________________________________________________________________________

______________________________________________________________________________

3: Write down what you learned about feelings from these situations:

______________________________________________________________________________

______________________________________________________________________________

______________________________________________________________________________

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Vocabulary of Feelings “The mature person becomes able to differentiate feelings into as many nuances, strong and

passionate experiences, or delicate and sensitive ones as in the different passages of music in

a symphony.”

~ Rollo May

As we expand our vocabulary of words that describe our feelings, we usually have more

depth in how we experience life and relationships. The feelings are grouped to make it easier

to locate and understand nuances to similar feelings:

Compassionate

Caring

Affectionate

Empathetic

Thankful

Grateful

Moved

Touched

Calm

Peaceful

Serene

Clear-headed

Mellow

Happy

Pleased

Glad

Tickled

Good

Secure

Safe

Trustful

Protected

Hopeful

Encouraged

Optimistic

Enthusiastic

Expectant

Interested

Intrigued

Spellbound

Involved

Inspired

Amazed

Thrilled

Fascinated

Energized

Blissful

Rested

Restored

Refreshed

Fulfilled

Joyful

Jubilant

Full

Praiseful

Vibrant

Tender

Warm

Soft-hearted

Sympathetic

Friendly

Curious

Puzzled

Wonder

Engrossed

Aroused

Loving

Passionate

Sentimental

Surprised

Delighted

Giddy

Still

Quiet

Tranquil

Content

Satisfied

Nourished

Confident

Proud

Capable

Empowered

Accomplished

Relieved

Settled

Relaxed

Revived

Connected

Centered

Grounded

Comfortable

Open

Balanced

Mellow

Harmonious

Playful

Fun-loving

Silly

Amused

Entertained

Lively

Astonished

Energetic

Exuberant

Enamored

Enchanted

Excited

Enlivened

Invigorated

Ecstatic

Animated

Jubilant

Absorbed

Engaged

Eager

Aroused

Alert

Healed

Embraced

Understood

Attracted

Smitten

In Awe

Renewed

Radiant

Replenished

Ambivalent Torn

Shocked

Surprised

Enlightened

Longing

Nostalgic

Yearning

Sensitive

Reserved

Add your own:

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Stressed

Anxious

Tense

Agitated

Jittery

Frazzled

Confused

Uncertain

Perplexed

Mystified

Baffled

Dazed

Frustrated

Impatient

Irked

Disgruntled

Exasperated

Aggravated

Resentful

Annoyed

Irritated

Dismayed

Perturbed

Chaotic

Worried

Concerned

Suspicious

Wary

Mistrustful

Distraught

Angry

Enraged

Mad

Disgusted

Contempt

Hateful

Mean-spirited

Nasty

Naughty

Animosity

Appalled

Furious

Incensed

Irate

Outraged

Livid

Indignant

Burnt Out

Fatigued

Beat

Depleted

Tired

Sleepy

Blah

Weary

Lethargic

Bored

Restless

Complacent

Uninterested

Listless

Unsettled

Restless

Uncomfortable

Uneasy

Flustered

Embarrassed

Guilty

Mortified

Chagrined

Discouraged

Troubled

Hopeless

Terrible

Hurt

Grief

Heartbroken

Pain

Lonely

Withdrawn

Alienated

Isolated

Sad

Unhappy

Displeased

Gloomy

Melancholy

Depressed

Despair

Despondent

Heavy-hearted

Anguished

Moody

Blue

Tearful

Weepy

Grumpy

Vulnerable

Guarded

Helpless

Insecure

Fragile

Tempted

Helpless Envious

Jealous Ashamed

Self-conscious Disappointed

Disheartened

Miserable

Forlorn

Terrible

Skeptical

Doubtful

Suspicious

Disconnected

Detached

Removed

Reluctant

Hesitant

Leery

Petrified

Frightened

Panicked

Terrified

Afraid

Fearful

Apprehensive

Scared

Lost

Bewildered

Apathetic

Listless

Discombobulated

Disconnected

Edgy

Out of Control

Numb

Indifferent

Aloof

Overwhelmed

Exhausted

Worn out

Cold

Numb

Apathetic

Regretful

Remorseful

Turbulent

Conflicted

Torn Rejected

Dejected Upset

Cranky Add your own:

Copyright © 2018 Beverly A. Lonsbury, Ph.D.

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Chapter 3: Coping with Anxiety through Awareness of our Needs

“So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or “What shall we wear?’ For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.”

~Matthew 6:31-33 “When we hear another person’s feelings and needs, we recognize our common humanity.”

~ Marshall Rosenberg-NVC

“Identifying our deepest needs in the situation provides direction about how to move forward in a new and healthier way.”

~ Beverly Lonsbury, PhD Pastoral Care & Counseling


What are Needs?

Needs are our deepest longings, desires, and values about what matters most to us in our Christian life. Our needs are basic to our sense of well-being. Noticing and valuing our needs that are often embedded under our feelings is a key step. Underneath our feelings are needs that point to what we deeply value and what matters most to our own well-being and in our relationships.

Needs are basic to all of humanity. Universally, people of all cultures and contexts need love, hope, and meaning. Learning to appreciate the common needs of those who we perceive as “different from us” helps us relate to each other in a way that promotes positive relationships.

The process of relating shows that when we are fully connected to the deep needs within us, especially our deep need for God, our well-being is enhanced. When we seek to identify and understand the needs of others, their well-being is enhanced. In fact, one of our most fundamental needs is to love and contribute to the happiness and well-being of others.

Needs are positive

In our post-modern western culture, most of us have been implicitly taught that thoughts matter more than feelings and that needs are negative. We do not want to be perceived as

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“needy.” We have not been taught to value our needs—or to understand that valuing our needs and striving to meet our needs deeply enhances our lives and our well-being.

Naming Your Needs

This third step of the method involves clearly identifying and naming the needs that are most important to us in the moment. As you practice this step with others, the goal is to gain skills in identifying needs. This begins with expanding our vocabulary of needs. A Vocabulary of Needs and Values chart that can be used as a resource for using the game and in your teaching is printed on pages 20 and 21. The more closely and clearly we can name our needs and talk with God about these needs, the more connected we will be with our feelings and our self-awareness.

Connecting Your Feelings with Your Needs?

Step 3 also involves looking at the feelings identified in Step 2 and naming the needs that coincide with these feelings. By naming the needs that were triggered by the feelings, we will notice if the needs were met or unmet. Knowing the needs that were unmet allows us to creatively find ways to either meet or greet the unmet needs (Step 4).

Following is a situation from the Bible that you can use with your participants:

John 20:15-16 NRSV Jesus said to her, “Woman, why are you weeping? Whom are you looking

for?” Supposing him to be the gardener, she said to him, “Sir, if you have carried him away, tell

me where you have laid him, and I will take him away.” Jesus said to her, “Mary!” She turned and

said to him in Hebrew, “Rabbouni!” (which means Teacher).

In this example, we can imagine a variety of feelings and needs. Mary was feeling the loss of Jesus—and we can connect this feeling to her needs to mourn and lament. At the same time, Mary felt overjoyed when she recognized Jesus and her needs for tenderness and love were met.

What diminishes well-being?

“Today it has become almost a truism to call our time an age of anxiety.”

~ Theologian Paul Tillich

Anxiety is one of the biggest inhibitors to well-being. Anxiety can manifest as dysfunction (usually expressed as chaos or rigidity) thus affecting our health and well-being.

What is Anxiety?

According to the American Psychological Association (APA), “Anxiety is an emotion characterized by feelings of tension, worried thoughts and physical changes like increased blood pressure.”

Systems Theory identifies two basic forms of emotions—primary and categorical. Once emotions become conscious and can be categorized, they are feelings, such as happy, sad, angry, or relieved—and they are considered categorical emotions.

Think of anxiety as a primary emotion. Any intense emotion that has not been categorized can be considered anxiety.

Anxiety is also associated with physical changes within our bodies. Hormones and neurotransmitters which stem from the brain, including dopamine, noradrenaline, serotonin,

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and cortisol, create surges of energy we feel throughout our bodies—often without our awareness. These surges of energy are experienced as anxiety. Rather than reacting on auto-pilot, it is helpful to become aware of when we start to feel the physical effects of anxiety, so we can convert the anxiety into feelings that can be connected to needs—then monitored and modified in ways that enhance well-being.

Forms of Anxiety

Chronic anxiety is considered the background level of the anxiety we inherit primarily from our families of origin. For example, we are automatically affected by the methods with which our families have used to cope with anxiety—thus, our chronic anxiety usually affects how we react to various situations without our awareness.

Acute anxiety is the anxiety we experience due to daily stressors and is situational. For example, if we have a car accident, acute anxiety is caused due to the situation. However, how we respond to the car accident (the situation) is colored by the chronic anxiety that we inherited.

Anxiety attributed to a medical condition is also possible. For persistent extreme anxiety, being evaluated by a medical professional is necessary. Along with using anxiety management techniques, medical treatment may be required and/or helpful.

Anxiety Awareness, Anxiety Management and Coping

A goal for enhancing well-being is to increase self-awareness about how we tend to react to anxiety. We can then develop skills that can help us manage the anxiety, and learn to respond rather than react. By understanding how we tend to react to anxiety, we can then choose to respond differently:

We can learn that we do not have to “catch” another persons’ anxiety and we can practice self-differentiation and self-acceptance—especially within our families of origin.

We can learn where we tend to “feel” anxiety within our bodies and learn to intentionally relax that part of our bodies. The chemical oxytocin can be released to help soothe us. One simple soothing technique is to place your hand directly on your skin over your heart which naturally releases the chemical oxytocin.

We can sort, name and pray about our feelings and needs in order to lessen our anxiety and increase our well-being.

Anxiety is often the result of an unmet need—so we can learn to recognize when there is an unmet need that has been triggered.

A sense of calm and peace can also travel and diminish the anxiety of the situation—thus breaking the spiral of anxiety.

Anxiety and Anger are expressions of unmet needs

Anxiety and anger can hover over us and follow us like a dark cloud. When we start to feel anxiety or anger, we can stop and explore our feelings and the needs that connect to the feelings. Self-empathy can be developed by piercing through the dark clouds with increased self-awareness of our feelings and underlying needs. Often there are unmet needs that were triggered.

Let’s consider the following verses from Genesis 12:

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Genesis 12:1 NIV The Lord had said to Abram, “Leave your country, your people and your

father’s household and go to the land I will show you.”

In this example, we can imagine a variety of feelings. Abram might have had an assortment of feelings including being thankful about being chosen by God and at the same time feeling anxious about his journey to this foreign land—and we can connect these feelings to his needs for direction, clarity, faith, and to trust God.

The “Vocabulary of Needs and Values” chart on pages 18 and 19, will help you and your participants begin to identify the needs that are being triggered when experiencing anxiety, anger, or other negative feelings. These needs will also help in positive situations by providing words to express important needs and values that were met such as peace, empathy, or trust.


As you play the game a third time with your participants, the primary goal is to help them expand their vocabulary of words that express needs and values. Encourage your participants to focus on the needs using the green words. This time, choose any of the 3 ways to play the game. Playing the Relate cards face up gives each person an opportunity to name and talk about the needs they sense are most important in the situation.


After you play the game, you may want to have your participants complete the following exercises:

Exercise 4:

1: Describe the needs that stood out to you while playing the game.

__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

2: Imagine how you might feel and what you might need in one of the situations and write your response below:

__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

3: As you played the game, did you notice any feelings and needs that were connected? If so, write them down:

__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

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Vocabulary of Needs & Values

“The more directly we can connect our feelings to our own needs, the easier it is for

others to respond to us compassionately.”


As we expand our vocabulary of words that describe our needs, we have more depth in how

we understand and express what we value most in life. Life becomes enriched and more

meaningful as we are able to connect our feelings with our underlying needs and values.

Needs are also thought-based and can give direction toward kind actions.

Love

Affection

Warmth

Tenderness

Touch

Friendship

Peace

Harmony

Calm

Serenity

Ease

Cooperation

Physical health

Food/Water

Sleep/Rest

Shelter/Housing

Exercise

Sexual Expression

Meaning

To matter

Purpose

Participation

Involvement

Independence

Space

Autonomy

Privacy

Solitude

Contribution

To:

Give

Serve

Volunteer

Sacrifice

Connection

Closeness

Companionship

Intimacy

Communication

Shared Reality

Mourning

To:

Grieve

Mourn

Lament

Heal

Clarity

Order

Structure

Organization

To sort/plan

To simplify

Learning

Growth

Challenge

Education

Completion of goal

Maturity

Creativity

Inspiration

Expression

Discovery

Ingenuity

Safety

Security

Stability

Protection

Dependability

Empathy

Compassion

Understanding

Consideration

Appreciation

Support

Help

Presence

Care

Comfort

Nurturing

Fun

Play

Enjoyment

Humor

Avocation

Celebration

Entertainment

Amusement

Trust

Loyalty

Belief

Commitment

Honesty

Integrity

Truthfulness

Confidence

Satisfaction

Contentment

Balance

Awareness

Consciousness

Focused Attention

Stimulation

Respect

Self-respect

Honor

Recognition

Centering

Balance

Intention

Meditation

Forgiveness

To Forgive

To Be Forgiven

Mercy

Belonging

Inclusion

Relationship

Sharing

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To Be Known

To Know

To Be Heard

To Speak

Acceptance

Acknowledgement

Approval

Gratitude

Thankfulness

Appreciation

Freedom

Spontaneity

Choice

Options

Variety

Authenticity

To Be Genuine

Reality

Energy

Aliveness

Action

Motivation

Strength

Encouragement

Reassurance

Recognition

Affirmation

Acknowledgement

Space

Time

Patience

Justice

Equality

Fairness

Equity

Power

Empowerment

Control

Emotional Health

Mental well-being Reflection

Contemplation

Introspection

Predictability

Consistency

Reliability

Normalcy

Beauty

Creation

Boldness

Self-confidence

Competence

Guidance

Advice

Direction

Obedience

Efficiency

Effectiveness

Efficacy

To Be Productive

Excitement

Adventure

Exploration

Discovery

Financial stability

Meaningful work

Accomplishment

Productiveness

Progress

Optimism

Cheerfulness

Positivism

To Worship

Ritual

Spirituality

Hope

Faith

Spiritual Filling

Humility

Prayers

God

Grace

Community

Group support

Fellowship

Relaxation

Down time

Relief

Patience

Movement

Activity

Doing

Self-Awareness

Mindfulness

Being present

Focusing

Add your own:

Copyright © 2018 Beverly A. Lonsbury, Ph.D.

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Chapter 4: Meeting or Greeting Our Needs using Empathy and Compassion

“When Mary reached the place where Jesus was and saw him, she fell at his feet and said, ‘Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died.’ When Jesus saw her weeping and the Jews who had come along with her also weeping, he was deeply moved in spirit and troubled. ‘Where have you laid him?’ he asked. ‘Come and see, Lord,’ they replied. Jesus wept.”

~John 11:32-35

“In that compassionate place, I am able to hold both needs; in one hand, to respond in a caring way to others’ needs, and in the other, to be aware of and take better care of my own needs. On becoming conscious of both situations and arriving at solutions more resourcefully than if I lose that consciousness in a sea of self-judgment.”


“Responding with empathy towards others lets them know they are heard and they are valued.” “Responding with empathy towards ourselves allows us to hear our inner voice that says we are valued.”

~ Beverly Lonsbury


What is empathy?

Empathy is deep, careful, and authentic listening for another’s feelings and needs. Empathy, compassion, and care go hand-in-hand. In teaching pastoral care, I often refer to the quote, “People don’t care how much you know until they know how much you care.” This concept can be applied to all of us—we want to know that others’ care about us.

This may also involve making empathy guesses that encourage gentle probing in order to gain clarity and understanding of another person’s feelings and/or needs.

Empathy Guessing

Making an empathy guess involves imagining what the other person might be feeling and needing in the specific situation and then asking if the feeling and/or need we named is correct.

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It usually does not matter much if we are right in our guesses, because the other person will normally either affirm our guess or correct us by naming the true need or feeling.

An example of an empathy guess might be, “I noticed you haven’t said anything yet today. I am wondering—do you have a need to be quiet?” The other person can then respond by affirming that they have a need to be quiet or he or she might correct our guess by saying what is really needed is not “quiet” but “support.” Playing the I Can RELATE game will give us experience practicing making empathy guesses.

Meeting Our Needs with Requests

A basic way to give and receive empathy is by learning to make “requests.” When we identify needs that are unmet, we can use strategies called requests to respectfully and clearly ask for what we need. Making a request often involves small steps such as asking for time before responding.

Let’s look at another situation from the Bible. You may want to use the following example with your participants:

Situation #7: Genesis 43:29-30a TLB Looking at his brother Benjamin, he asked, “Is this your youngest brother, the one you told me about? How are you, my son? God be gracious to you.” Then Joseph made a hasty exit, for he was overcome with love for his brother and had to go out and cry.

When Joseph saw his brother Benjamin, he had several ways he might have responded. However, what is important in this situation, is that he allowed himself time to process his own grief before sharing his identity and celebrating the joy of being reunited with Benjamin.

Being Flexible with our Requests

First, make sure we are making a request rather than making a demand. The acronym PLATO can help frame a request: Person, Location, Action, Time, and Object (or objective). It is also helpful to differentiate requests from needs. For example, “I need you to be quiet” is mixing needs with requests. A more appropriate request would be, “would you be OK with continuing your conversation with your friend after class?”

Second, remember that even if our request specifically asks another person for something that will meet our needs, he/she may be unable or unwilling to respond in the way we are asking. This may mean that we will try to find another way to meet our needs, often creatively—or it may mean mourning the loss of being unable to meet our needs in the way we would like.

Awareness of our Needs and Mourning our Unmet Needs:

Just being aware of our needs that we are experiencing in the moment gives us a sense of hope and encouragement because we have a clearer picture of what is important to us. If we are unable to find a way to adequately meet our needs, it can be helpful to mourn the inability to meet our needs. Since mourning is often deeply personal and intimate, it can take on many forms—and one size does not fit all. Mourning is often expressed through our spirituality, theology, and/or our religion. Mourning can be quietly expressed—for example through meditation or centering prayer, but it can also be loudly expressed through wailing the lament Psalms or sobbing in a grief support group.

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One aspect of mourning that I continually notice in my work as a chaplain is that mourning often comes in waves. Sometimes the need to grieve and mourn comes unexpectedly—and at other times we can structure a time to mourn. The amount of time needed to mourn enough to begin the healing process also varies—and is often related to the size of the loss or unmet need.

Loss can often bring about feelings of confusion and chaos. Bringing a sense of order and clarity in the midst of confusion and chaos often helps us grieve fully. And—grief that is not reconciled or transformed into needs is often transferred in unhealthy ways.

Naming our feelings in the moment and connecting them with underlying needs will help us mourn with greater clarity, honesty, self-empathy and compassion toward the other person.

For example, Ellie just found out a friend she saw weekly for coffee for over two years will be moving to another state in two weeks.

Ellie recognized that her friend met many ongoing needs for closeness and connection. Ellie now has feelings of sorrow and pain along with her connected need to mourn because she will no longer be able to meet her needs for closeness and connection with her friend in the way she would like. She decided to plan a time to read some of her favorite psalms as she sat by her garden to meet her need for mourning the loss of closeness with her friend. Ellie also set up a time for coffee with another friend to try to meet her needs for closeness and connection in a new way.

What is Connection?

Merriam Webster defines the word connection as, “something that joins or connects two or more things, the act of connecting two or more things or the state of being connected, a situation in which two or more things have the same cause, origin, goal, etc.”

Some of the best examples of connecting with another can be found in movies. At the end of the movie, E.T. the Extra Terrestrial (1982), there is a poignant scene that exemplifies a heartfelt connection and an unlikely relationship between a young boy named Elliott and E.T. a gentle alien—a true foreigner. The last lines of the movie portray this tearful deep connection as the young boy and the alien realize they must part:

E.T.: Come...

Elliot: [solemnly] Stay...

E.T.: [puts his finger to his glowing heart] Ouch.

Elliot: [mimics the same action, tearfully] Ouch.

E.T.: [E.T. and Elliot embrace each other, then E.T. puts his glowing finger to Elliot's forehead] I'll... be... right... here.

Elliot: [tearfully] ... bye.

Connecting with Others’ Feelings and Needs

Contributing to the well-being and happiness of others is one of our most pressing desires as human beings. When you show empathy through identifying the primary needs of the other and

http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0920581/?ref_=tt_trv_qu






23

then support the other in meeting his or her needs, you build well-being and connection within the relationship.

What is most important is listening closely for the expression of feelings and using empathy to explore possible needs that relate to the feelings. This means setting our own feelings and needs aside for the moment while focusing on the other person. We can make empathy guesses to explore the feelings and needs of others. We can also ask them to use the feelings and needs vocabulary charts printed on pages 14-15 and 20-21 (to help them name what they are feeling and needing in the moment).

Respond rather than React

Sometimes when we are in a relationship we receive Negative Messages from the other. These messages include judgments, criticism, and interpretations of others. Negative Messages block us from communicating with empathy.

When we hear negative messages, we really have four ways to reply:

We can REACT:

Blame ourselves (ex.: “Oh, I should have been more thoughtful.”)

Blame others (ex.: “You shouldn’t have said that.”)

Or, we can RESPOND:

Name and connect with our own feelings and needs

(Ex.: “When I heard you say that you were going to be late for our meeting, I felt frustrated and unsettled because I need and value structure and respect for my time“)

Name and connect with others’ feelings and needs

(Ex.: “When I told you I wasn’t going to be able to attend your play, I am guessing you felt annoyed because you needed friendship and appreciation of your hard work.”

Our goal is to respond when we receive negative statements. As we accept our own feelings and needs—and make empathy guesses about the feelings and needs of others, we are then able to move forward by responding in ways that help both the other person and ourselves feel better.

Responding in a New Way to Your Situations

Although the process may sound mechanical, it helps to learn the process by phrasing each step. As you become familiar with the process, you will naturally nuance the words in a way that suits your communication style. What is most important is to pay attention to the needs that connect to the feelings. You can use the process with the words in bold below or use words that more closely fit your style:

Situation/Observations: “When I noticed (heard, saw, etc.) _______,”

Feelings: “I felt _____________”

Needs: “and I needed ______________.”

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Response/Request: “Are you okay with ____________?” (A request asking for our needs to be met in a specific way)

Here are a variety of sample situations. You may choose to use some of the examples below for practice with your participants:

Situation #1:

Ann and a good friend just took a two-hour walk. Ann realized she had a few things on her mind and she noticed she did most of the talking while her friend just listened.

Ann’s response could be to thank her friend for taking the time to listen. She can name the needs that have been met such as support, friendship, or sharing. She might say:

“When I noticed I did most of the talking and you just listened, I felt encouraged because I really needed support. Are you okay with taking another walk next weekend?”

Situation #2:

Jason woke up one hour late and was in a hurry to get to work on time. As he was driving to work, someone cut in front of him and began driving 15 miles below the speed limit.

Jason could certainly react by yelling at the other driver (or using other negative reactions). Or Jason can make a variety of requests toward himself about how he will choose to respond. He can become aware of where he feels anxiety in his body and try to intentionally relax. He can listen to calming music. He can tell himself positive messages (such as the serenity prayer) that will counter the negative experience.

Jason may have had a number of needs triggered such as consideration, ease, respect, order, or cooperation—and he can find ways to meet some of these needs later in the day. Just by naming the needs, Jason is becoming clearer about the experience and using integration to cope with the anxiety related to this negative situation. Jason might say to himself:

“When that guy cut in front of me I felt furious because I needed ease so I could get to work in a hurry. I will make time to relax by watching the baseball game tonight.”

Situation #3:

Elena was preparing a meal to welcome several friends who were visiting from Mexico City. When her friends arrived at her home, she noticed their big smiles as they saw some of their favorite food being prepared.

Elena could respond by saying how pleased and excited she is to see her friends’ smiling faces and she could note that she felt thrilled because her need for contributing to their happiness was met. In this positive situation, a request is not needed in her response. She could say:

“When I saw your smiling faces I felt thrilled because I could tell you were happy with the food I prepared and I needed appreciation for my effort.”

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Situation #4:

Clark was preparing a special dinner for his mother’s birthday. Just as his parents arrived, Clark’s wife texted him to let him know she would be one hour late. This is the third time Clark’s wife has been late during the past week.

When Clark and his wife discuss the situation the following morning, Clark might tell his wife how much he values respect, organization, and clear communication. He could listen for her feelings and needs and empathize with her as she talks about her schedule and other responsibilities. He could make a request of his wife to talk about their schedules every morning so they can make sure they are clear about each other’s calendar. He might say:

“When I saw your text yesterday, I was frustrated (feeling) because I was counting on (I needed) help getting dinner organized. Would you be OK with talking about our schedules every morning at breakfast?” Situation #5: Marianne was having coffee alone at her kitchen table and thinking about how her children are now all grown up and either in college or working full-time.

In this situation, Marianne feels ambivalent and confused about her children growing up and her needs include fun, reassurance, and clarity about her new role as an empty nester and support—particularly from fiends who have experienced this stage of life. Marianne might make a request of a group of friends to organize a monthly book club or weekly meeting at Starbucks for coffee. She might say to a friend:

“When I think about my adult children, I feel both excited and concerned and I need support from friends who have older children—and reassurance that I will find new activities that are meaningful and fun. Would you be open to (request) starting a monthly book club with me?” Situation #6: Robert was counting on receiving a promotion and a raise. When he arrived at work, he was told that the company was closing and he would receive a 2-month severance package.

Robert could respond to his new situation by naming his feelings of uncertainty, fear, and pain surrounding the losses associated with his job. He probably has numerous needs including meaningful work, financial stability, and mourning the losses. Robert might make a request of a co-worker he trusts by saying:

“When I heard that our company was closing, I felt shocked, confused and scared because I need a stable job that I enjoy. Would you (request) go to the networking group with me that meets next Thursday at 5:00?”

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Situation #7: Sue was attending her first class at a new middle school and did not know where to have lunch. A student from her class just walked over to her desk and invited Sue to join her and a few friends for lunch.

For this example, we will say situation 7 is a positive situation. Sue is feeling confident as she joins this new group of potential friends and looking forward to meeting her needs for friendship and connection. In this positive situation, a request is not needed in her response. She might think to herself or say to another person such as a parent, teacher, or friend:

“When I was asked to join a group of girls for lunch I felt relieved because my needs for friendship and being included were met.”

Situation #8: Cindy’s 16-year-old daughter had been diagnosed with an eating disorder 2 days ago. At her book club gathering, Cindy’s 6 friends were discussing what was new in their lives.

Cindy may feel worried and needs empathy, understanding, and trust from her friends. She might respond by checking first with a safe and trusted friend in the book club by saying:

“I found out 2 days ago that my daughter has an eating disorder. I feel heartbroken and worried and I need understanding from my friends and trust that they will keep what I tell them to themselves. Do you think (request for advice) sharing this in our group is a good idea?”



Connecting with God:

As you play the game a fourth time with your participants, use the rules for “A Conversation Starter.” You can use any version of I Can Relate Situation cards. If you use the Bible version, you may want to choose specific cards and have the entire passage from the Bible on hand as a reference for context and additional details if needed. Encourage your participants to imagine and consider how the Bible characters and how God would feel and what he would need in each situation.

After you play the game, you may want to have your participants complete the following exercises:

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Exercise 4:

1. Describe one person from a situation and note some of his/her feelings and connect the feelings with needs:

_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

2. Consider how God might feel or what he might need in the situation and reflect on your experience below:

_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

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The following final two exercises (Exercises 5 and 6) on pages 28 and 29 can be used periodically or on a daily basis with your participants during your course—or you can encourage them to do the exercises on their own. This will provide ongoing support and building of their vocabulary of feelings and needs, as well as developing self-awareness and relationship skills:

Exercise 5: Feelings and Needs (Christian Mindfulness) check in:

Check-in with yourself or others by naming 1-2 feelings and 1-2 needs that you are experiencing in the moment. An advanced skill would be to try to connect your feelings with your needs. Remember that you do not have to justify why you are experiencing the feelings and needs you name. The Vocabulary of Feelings chart on pages 12-13 and the Vocabulary of Needs chart on pages 18-19 can be used as resources.

I am feeling: ___________________________________________________________________

Therefore, I need: ______________________________________________________________

Exercise 6: Deepening your relationship with God

“We are not human beings on a spiritual journey, we are spiritual beings on a human journey.” ~ Pierre Teilhard de Chardin

“You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind; and, love your neighbor as yourself.”

~ Luke 10:27

“And my God shall supply every need of yours according to His riches in glory in Christ Jesus. . . . “

~ Philippians 4:19

“If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.”

~Romans 12:18

We can honor God by reflecting on words that describe needs and values. We can thank God for his great compassion, love, peace, and hope. We can talk to God about our feelings and needs. We can pray that God will guide us in meeting his needs and what he desires for our lives. We can reflect on and ask God what he needs from us. Does he need more connection? Does God need thankfulness from us? Does he need us to show compassion and empathy toward others? Does God need humility from us so we can hear him? Does he need time in prayer from us?

What do you need from God? ____________________________________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________________

What does God need from you?

_____________________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________________________________

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Advanced Training: Give Yourself Time to Grow


Relationship building often requires forgiveness and that can take time. Sometimes this means forgiving others. And at other times it means forgiving ourselves. This may require going through practice situations using the I Can RELATE game and the process used in this guide several times.

The Process of Healing from a Painful Situation: OPTIONAL: You may want to encourage your participants to consider their own personal situations** while playing the game using the Situation Worksheets on pages 29 and 30 as guides. An important goal is becoming clear about ourselves as we gain self-awareness. This helps us be with others without bringing unhelpful residue from old challenging situations into the relationship. **Important Note: If you are equipped with a background that can support others as they sort through often painful situations, you may want to use their personal situations as part of your teaching.


Encourage your participants to come up with 1 or 2 situations, a challenging situation (p. 29) and a positive situation (p. 30) and complete question 1 of the Situation Worksheet. Most participants will choose to use their challenging or painful situation first. Each participant will read their personal situation when it is his/her turn. When Relate cards are played, it is best to put them “face up” using the teaching method of empathy guessing rather than scoring points. Round 1: Participants will make empathy guesses about the feelings and needs of the dealer in his/her own personal situation. Round 2: Participants will make empathy guesses about the feelings and needs of another person involved in the dealer’s personal situation. Exercise: Complete the rest of the Situation Worksheet Contact me for 1-1 support for you or your participants. The goal of this exercise is not necessarily a specific response. The goal is to move forward with empathy toward themselves and others in the situation. It will take time and personal attention to form a specific response. The goal is to emotionally move forward in a new and healthier way.

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Situation Worksheet

1. Challenging Situation—Try to condense your situation into a concrete and clear description (without evaluation, judgment or blame). Using no more than 3 to 5 sentences—what specifically happened?

__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

2. MY FEELINGS: As you look at the Vocabulary of Feelings, what feelings arise in you as you think about this situation? I feel . . . . (or I felt . . . . )

____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

3. MY NEEDS: As you look at the Vocabulary of Needs, what needs in this situation were met or unmet?

____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

4. FEELINGS OF OTHERS: Now think of one other person involved in your situation. Make some empathy guesses. What feelings do you imagine this person might have in your situation?

____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

5. NEEDS OF OTHERS: As you think of another person involved in your situation. Make some empathy guesses. What needs might this person have that were met or unmet

____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

6. RESPONSE: Now you have noticed and named your own feelings and needs as well as the feelings and needs of another person. How will you respond with empathy to your situation?

________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________________________________ Copyright © 2015 Beverly A. Lonsbury, Ph.D. All Rights Reserved.

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Situation Worksheet 1. Positive Situation—Try to condense your situation into a concrete and clear description (without

evaluation, judgment or blame). Using no more than 3 to 5 sentences—what specifically happened?

__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

2. MY FEELINGS: As you look at the Vocabulary of Feelings, what feelings arise in you as you think about this situation? I feel . . . . (or I felt . . . . )

____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

3. MY NEEDS: As you look at the Vocabulary of Needs, what needs in this situation were met or unmet?

____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

4. FEELINGS OF OTHERS: Now think of one other person involved in your situation. Make some empathy guesses. What feelings do you imagine this person might have in your situation?

____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

5. NEEDS OF OTHERS: Now think of one other person involved in your situation. Make some empathy guesses. What needs might this person have that were met or unmet

____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

6. RESPONSE: Now you have noticed and named your own feelings and needs as well as the feelings and needs of another person. How will you respond with empathy to your situation?

________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________________________________ Copyright © 2015 Beverly A. Lonsbury, Ph.D. All Rights Reserved.

32

I Can Relate Game™

Rules A game that builds Relationships, Conversation, Mindfulness & NVC skills. Copyright © 2015 Beverly A. Lonsbury, Ph.D. All Rights Reserved.

There are many ways to use this game. Begin with the Basic Rules below, then continue

with one of the following 3 options—or you can personalize the game to meet your needs:

1. A Light-hearted Competition

2. A Conversation Starter

3. A Teaching Resource (Empathy Guessing, NVC and Mindfulness Skills)

Basic Rules for Playing I Can Relate (Best with 4-6 players):

1) Have one person deal 8 Relate cards to each of the players including himself/herself. The

players place the cards in their hands with the purple side facing up.

2) The dealer removes the set of Situation cards from the tray and places the set of situation

cards in the middle of the table.

3) The dealer takes the top Situation card off the stack and reads it out loud.

4) Round 1: Looking at the words in purple, all players choose 2 cards from their hands that

they think the dealer might select as most closely fitting the Feelings of the person in the

Situation. Players place their selected cards face down in the center of the table.

5) After all players have played 2 cards, the dealer looks at the purple words and selects 2

purple word cards that he/she believes most closely describe the Feelings of the person

described in the Situation and places them face up.

6) Round 2: Each player takes 2 new Relate cards off the top of the deck and places all 8

cards in their hands green side up. All players choose 2 cards that they think the dealer

might select as most closely fitting the Needs/Values of the person in the situation.

- For Challenging Situations, you will guess what kind of green Relate words would help

meet the person’s Needs/Values.

- For Positive Situations, you will guess what kind of green Relate words describe

Needs/Values that have been met in this situation.

Again, players place the Relate cards face down in the center of the table.

7) After all players have selected their cards, the dealer looks at the words in green, and selects

2 green word cards that he/she believes most closely relate to the Needs/Values of the

person described in the situation. 8) The person to the left of the dealer now becomes the new dealer and the two rounds (1

purple round and 1 green round) for each new Situation are repeated until all players have

been the dealer for a designated number of rounds.

A Light-hearted Competition Begin by following the Basic Rules, then add:

9) After each round, the person who played the selected Feelings or Needs cards each receive

one point per card chosen. You can track the points by either writing down each person’s

points or by having each person keep their selected card/s.

10) The first person to reach 10 points is the “winner” or the “best relator” of the game.

Optional: If the group agrees that all players can remain fairly objective, the dealer can play

along by submitting Relate (Feelings & Needs) cards from his/her hand.

33

A Conversation Starter—Begin by following the Basic Rules, then continue as follows:

9) Rather than tracking points, at the end of each round, talk about how the Situation helped

you put yourself in someone else’s shoes or what you learned?

10) Here are a few sample questions: 1. What did you learn in this Situation? 2. How would you

Feel and what would you Need in this Situation? 3. Why did you choose the Relate card/s

you chose?

A Teaching Resource—this game can be used as a resource for teaching the skills of

Marshall Rosenberg’s Nonviolent Communication (NVC). It also supports Mindfulness

practice, Empathy Guessing, and a variety of other skills that bring about self-awareness.

Begin by following the Basic Rules, then focus on the following, however, when playing

Relate cards in steps 4 and 6, play the cards face up rather than face down:

9) Observations (Situations)—Situation Cards describe “observations” of a situation

10) Feelings—Purple Relate Cards are the “Feelings” associated with NVC.

11) Needs—Green Relate Cards are the “Needs/Values” associated with NVC.

Note: For NVC, Needs with an asterisk * are “faux feelings” and are interpretations of

others’ actions rather than how we feel – words under the faux feeling are true feelings.

Advanced level: Players can take turns suggesting or making empathy guesses about how

the selected Feeling/s might be connected to the selected Need/s e.g., “I’m wondering if

Robert feels lonely because he needs friendship?”

Advanced level: Describe one of your own Situations using observations. How did you feel

and what needs were met/unmet? Now go around a second time and make empathy guesses

about another person involved in your Situation. How might he/she feel—and what needs of

his/hers are unmet or met?

12) Requests (or Responses)—the game teaches the first 3 steps of the process used in the

leaders’ guides. After you complete round 2 in which the Need words are selected, you can

move to step 4 of the process on your own. This step involves how you will respond to the

situation. For example, in challenging situations, you could make a “request” and for

positive situations, you might “respond” by being thankful.

Download resources at www.icanrelategame.com, nvctraining.com or www.cnvc.org

The overall goals and benefits are:

1) To enhance your self-awareness and appreciation for the Positive Situations in life.

2) To become clearer about how to relate to others in Challenging Situations—and by

responding with intention to difficult Situations rather than simply reacting on auto-pilot.

3) To increase your vocabulary of words describing your Feelings and Needs—and connecting

your Feelings (purple words) with your Needs (green words) in a variety of Situations.

4) To teach Empathy Guessing skills to increase your empathy and self-empathy:

And, at a deeper level:

5) To better manage anxiety using Systems Theory concepts including self-differentiation.

6) To teach NVC skills that foster connecting with others.

7) To teach Mindfulness practice—by being self-aware and naming your Feelings and

Needs/Values that you are experiencing, you will learn the mindfulness practice of being

present in the moment.

8) To teach Social Science skills that enhance well-being using a sorting (integration) process.

http://www.icanrelategame.com/

http://www.cnvc.org/

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References:

American Psychological Association (http://www.apa.org/ retrieved on 5/14/2015.)

Bowen, M. (1978). Family therapy in clinical practice. New York, NY: Jason Aronson, Inc.

Browning, D. (1987). Religious thought and the modern psychologies: A critical conversation in the theology of culture. Philadelphia, PA: Fortress Press.

Clinebell, H. (1992). Well being: A personal plan for exploring and enriching the seven dimensions of life: Mind, body, spirit, love, work, play, earth. New York, NY: HarperCollins Publishers.

Decety, J., & Ickes, W. (2009). The social neuroscience of empathy. Social Neuroscience Series. Cambridge, MA: MIT Press.

Friedman, E. H., Treadwell, M. M., & Beal, E. W. (2007). A failure of nerve: Leadership in the age of the quick fix. New York, NY: Seabury Books.

Giddens, A. (2003). Runaway world: How globalization is reshaping our lives. New York, NY: Routledge.

———. (1990). The consequences of modernity. Stanford, CA: Stanford University Press.

Gilbert, R. (2006). The eight concepts of Bowen theory: A new way of thinking about the individual and the group. Falls Church, VA: Leading Systems Press.

Goleman, D. (2006). Emotional intelligence: Why it can matter more than IQ. New York, NY: Bantam Books.

Hunsinger, D., & Latini, T. (2013). Transforming church conflict: Compassionate leadership in action. Louisville, KY: Westminster John Knox.

Internet of the Mind (http://www.internet-of-the-mind.com/ retrieved on 6/20/2015.)

Kelsey, D. (1992). To Understand God Truly: What’s Theological About A Theological School. Louisville, KY: Westminster John Knox.

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Kluckhohn, C., & Murray, H. (1948). Personality in nature, society, and culture. New York, NY: Alfred A. Knopf.

Purves, A. (1989). The search for compassion: Spirituality and ministry. Louisville, KY: Westminster/John Knox Press.

Ratey, J. (2001). A user’s guide to the brain: Perception, attention, and the four theaters of the brain. New York, NY: Vintage Books.

Rifkin, J. (2009). The empathic civilization: The race to global consciousness in a world in crisis. New York, NY: Penguin Group.

Rosenberg, M. (2003). Nonviolent communication: A language of life (2nd ed.). Encinitas, CA: PuddleDancer Press.

———. (2005). Speak peace in a world of conflict: What you say next will change your world. Encinitas, CA: PuddleDancer Press.

Rogers, C. (1961). On becoming a person: A therapist’s view of psychotherapy. New York, NY: Houghton Mifflin Company.

Siegel, D. (2012). The developing mind: Toward a neurobiology of interpersonal experience (2nd ed.). New York, NY: The Guilford Press.

——— and Marion Solomon (2013). Healing Moments in Psychotherapy. New York, NY: W. W. Norton & Company, Inc.

———. (2010). Mindsight: The new science of personal transformation. New York, NY: Bantam Books.

The Holy Bible: The new interpreters study Bible: New Revised Standard Version with the Apocrypha. (2003). Nashville, TN: Abingdon Press.

Tillich, P. (1984). The meaning of health: Essays in existentialism, psychoanalysis, and religion. Chicago, IL: Exploration Press.

———. & Gomes, P. J. (2000). The courage to be (2nd ed.). Yale Nota Bene. New Haven, CT: Yale University Press.

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Research supporting the correlation between Relationships and Well-being: According to the University of Minnesota (Center for Spirituality and Healing), research on wellbeing and relationships show that healthy relationships help us:

Live longer. A review of 148 studies found that people with strong social relationships are 50% less likely to die prematurely. Similarly, Dan Buettner’s Blue Zones research calculates that committing to a life partner can add 3 years to life expectancy.

Deal with stress. In a study of over 100 people, researchers found that people who completed a stressful task experienced a faster recovery when they were reminded of people with whom they had strong relationships. (Those who were reminded of stressful relationships, on the other hand, experienced even more stress and higher blood pressure.)

Be physically healthier. According to research by psychologist Sheldon Cohen, college students who reported having strong relationships were half as likely to catch a common cold when exposed to the virus. In addition, 2012 international Gallup poll found that people who feel they have friends and family to count on are generally more satisfied with their personal health than people who feel isolated.

Feel richer. A survey by the National Bureau of Economic Research of 5,000 people found that doubling your group of friends has the same effect on your wellbeing as a 50% increase in income!

Avoid Depression. Loneliness has long been commonly associated with depression, and now research is backing this correlation up: a 2012 study of breast cancer patients found that those with fewer satisfying social connections experienced higher levels of depression, pain, and fatigue.

Foster healthier immune function. The authors of the same study also found a correlation between loneliness and immune system dysregulation, meaning that a lack of social connections can increase your chances of becoming sick.

Moderate blood pressure. University of Chicago researchers who studied a group of 229 adults over five years found that loneliness could predict higher blood pressure even years later, indicating that the effects of isolation have long-lasting consequences. According to psychiatrists Jacqueline Olds and Richard Schwartz, social alienation is an inevitable result of contemporary society's preoccupation with materialism and frantic "busy-ness." Their decades of research supports the idea that a lack of relationships can cause multiple problems with physical, emotional, and spiritual health.

Websites

American Psychological Association's Help Center http://www.apahelpcenter.org/

Blue Zones research www.bluezones.com

Leaving Abuse http://www.leavingabuse.com/

WholeFamily.com http://wholefamily.com/

FamilyIQ http://www.familyiq.com/

Conflict Resolution Network http://www.crnhq.org/

http://www.takingcharge.csh.umn.edu/conditions/cancer

http://www.takingcharge.csh.umn.edu/conditions/anxiety-depression

http://www.apahelpcenter.org/

http://www.bluezones.com/

http://www.leavingabuse.com/

http://wholefamily.com/

http://www.familyiq.com/

http://www.crnhq.org/

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CR Info 2013 http://www.crinfo.org/

Books & Articles

Algoe, S. B., Gable, S. L. & Maisel, N. C. (2010). It's the little things: everyday gratitude as a booster shot for romantic relationships. Personal Relationships, 17: 217–233.

Berkman, Syme, S., Cohen (2001). Social relationships and health. Advances in Mind-Body Medicine, 17, 5-7.

Brown, B. (2012). Brené Brown: How Vulnerability Holds the Key to Emotional Intimacy. Spirituality & Health; November-December. Retrieved March 11, 2013 fromhttp://spiritualityhealth.com/articles/bren%C3%A9-brown-how-vulnerability-holds-key-emotional-intimacy.

Brown, B. (2012). How the courage to be vulnerable transforms the way we live, love, parent, and lead. New York: Gotham Books.

Carlisle, M., Uchino, B.N., Sanbonmatsu, D.M., Smith, T.W., Cribbet, M.R., Birmingham, W., Light, K.C., Vaughn, A.A. (2012). Subliminal activation of social ties moderates cardiovascular reactivity during acute stress. Health Psychology;31(2):217-25.

Chapman, S.G. (2012). The five keys to mindful communication: Using deep listening and mindful speech to strengthen relationships, heal conflicts, and accomplish your goals. Boston, MA: Shambhala Publications.

Cohen, S., Gottlieb, B.H., Underwood L. (2000). Social relationships and health. In Cohen, S., Underwood, L. & Gottlieb, B.H. (Eds), Social support measurement and interventions: A guide for health and social scientists. New York: Oxborg University Press.

Cohen, S., Doyle, W.J., Turner, R., Alper, C.M., Skoner, D.P. (2003). Sociability and susceptibility to the common cold. Psychological Science;14(5):389-95.

Dana, D. (2000). Conflict resolution. McGraw-Hill Trade.

DeVito, J.A. (2003). The interpersonal communication book. Pearson, Allyn, & Bacon, 10th edition.

Doe, M. (2001). Busy but balanced: Practical and inspirational ways to create a calmer, closer family. St. Martin's Press.

Harris, A.H, Luskin, F.M.., Benisovich, S.V., Standard, S., Bruning, J., Evans, S. and Thoresen, C. (2006) Effects of a group forgiveness intervention on forgiveness, perceived stress and trait anger: A randomized trial. Journal of Clinical Psychology. 62(6) 715-733.

Harter, J.K., Arora, R. (2008, June 5). Social time crucial to daily emotional well-being in U.S. Retrieved February 28, 2013, from http://www.gallup.com/poll/107692/social-time-crucial-daily-emotional-wellbeing.aspx.

http://www.crinfo.org/

http://spiritualityhealth.com/articles/bren%C3%A9-brown-how-vulnerability-holds-key-emotional-intimacy

http://spiritualityhealth.com/articles/bren%C3%A9-brown-how-vulnerability-holds-key-emotional-intimacy

http://www.takingcharge.csh.umn.edu/glossary/3#term37

http://www.gallup.com/poll/107692/social-time-crucial-daily-emotional-wellbeing.aspx

http://www.gallup.com/poll/107692/social-time-crucial-daily-emotional-wellbeing.aspx

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Hawkley, L.C., Cacioppo, J.T. (2007). Aging and loneliness: Downhill quickly? Current Directions in Psychological Science; 16: 187–191.

Hawkley, L.C., Thisted, R.A., Masi, C.M., Cacioppo, J.T. (2010). Loneliness predicts increased blood pressure: Five-year cross-lagged analyses in middle-aged and older adults. Psychol Aging; 25: 132–141.

Hendrichs, G., Hendrichs, K. (2004). Lasting love: The 5 secrets of growing a vital, conscious relationship. Rodale, Inc..

Holt-Lunstad, J., Smith, T. B., & Layton, J. B. (2010). Social relationships and mortality risk: A meta-analytic review. PLoS Medicine, 7(7), e1000316.

Jaremka, L.M., Fagundes, C.P., Glaser, R., Bennett, J.M., Malarkey, W.B., Kiecolt-Glaser, J.K. (2012). Loneliness predicts pain, depression, and fatigue: Understanding the role of immune dysregulation. Psychoneuroendocrinology; pii: S0306-4530(12)00403-9. doi: 10.1016/j.psyneuen.2012.11.016. [Epub ahead of print].

Lambert, N.M., et. al. (2010). Benefits of expressing gratitude: expressing gratitude to a partner changes one’s view of the relationship. Psychological Science; 21(4), 574-580.

Kane, R., Kane, N. (2002). From fear to love: Overcoming the barriers to healthy relationships.Moody Publishers.

McLean, R. & Jahnke, R. (2002). The circle of life facilitator training manual (15, 32). Health Action: Santa Barbara, CA.

Neff, K. (2011). Self-Compassion. New York: Harper Collins.

Peterson, G. (2000). Making healthy families. Shadow & Light Publications.

Rath, T., Harter, J. (2010). Wellbeing: The five essential elements. New York: Gallup Press.

Richo, D. (2002). How to be an adult in relationships: The five keys to mindful loving.Shambhala.

Rosland, A., Heisler, M., J.D. Piette. (2012). The impact of family behaviors and communication patterns on chronic illness outcomes: a systematic review. Journal of Behavioral Medicine; 35(2), 221-239.

Uchino, B.N. (2004). Social support and physical health: Understanding the health consequences of relationships. Yale University Press.

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About the Author

Bev Lonsbury is an educator, counselor, and chaplain. She received her Doctor of Philosophy

degree in 2013 in Pastoral Care and Counseling and her Master of Arts degree in Congregational

and Community Care in 2008; both from Luther Seminary in St. Paul, Minnesota. She uses an

expansive view of well-being in building relationships that highlights the value and need for

compassion, empathy, self-awareness, and support. This includes educating and supporting

professionals and family members in their quest for well-being related to their emotional and

spiritual health. Her Ph.D. dissertation focused on drawing from theology and the social sciences

in exploring how to increase well-being in relationships and learning how to manage and cope

with the effects of anxiety on well-being.

She has been teaching relational care, self-care, leadership development, congregational and

community care, pastoral formation, and courses related to addiction, mental health, grief and

loss to pastors, graduate students, educators, professional caregivers, and family caregivers

since 2008.

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