Brutish Newt November 2011

11
The Br The Br The Br The Br Under New Manage Under New Manage Under New Manage Under New Manage Sponsored by rutish N rutish N rutish N rutish N ement ement ement ement BC Management Team Goldman Sachs Novemb Issue num Newt Newt Newt Newt ber 2011 mber 69

description

Final edition of Brutish Newt

Transcript of Brutish Newt November 2011

Page 1: Brutish Newt November 2011

The Brutish NewtThe Brutish NewtThe Brutish NewtThe Brutish Newt

Under New ManagementUnder New ManagementUnder New ManagementUnder New Management

Sponsored by

The Brutish NewtThe Brutish NewtThe Brutish NewtThe Brutish Newt

Under New ManagementUnder New ManagementUnder New ManagementUnder New Management

BC Management Team

Goldman Sachs

November 2011Issue number 69

The Brutish NewtThe Brutish NewtThe Brutish NewtThe Brutish Newt

November 2011 Issue number 69

Page 2: Brutish Newt November 2011

Editorial

This is the final edition of the Brutish Newt. Readers

may be surprised to hear that the first edition was

produced in June 1993 using wooden blocks, a

series of fine chisels and an ink pad. The content of

the first edition, which was little more than a

broadsheet, reflected the era and lampooned the

library (that's a place where books* are kept) which was then a central

function of the British Council. Since then, of course, it has all been

downhill, though how much this can be blamed on the Brutish Newt is

debatable. Or perhaps not: there are two sides to every argument, unless, of

course, you are arguing with management, in which case there is only one

side - theirs.

Perusing old issues will probably bring a chuckle to those who are, by now,

quite long in the tooth and reaching a comfortable level of grumpiness, and

will, no doubt, simply be perplexing or slightly annoying for those who were

not then in harness at the Brutish Conchshell. Who were Cap'n Bob, Mr

Fitzfrantic and J. Shifty Esq? Why was Patrick always lost on the road to (or

was it from?) Santa Tirso and why did the Contessa get her knickers in a

twist over tight trousers? What were the Haggling Hags haggling over, why

was Mark's Howard always larger than life and what happened to Mr Twig

while riding on a bus? For the insanely curious, and for the grumpy old

men and women who still clutter up the place, there is an archived

publication of backdated copies of 'The Newt' in which many answers to

these and other questions of vital interest can be found. The archive can be

found here (http://issuu.com/fitch/docs/brutish_newt_archive). At the

point of writing this is far from complete as there are many gaps in the

official collection of Brutish Newts, and all of the earlier ones have yet to be

digitalised. If anyone has old copies propping up tables or stuffed into

drafty bathroom windows then now is the time to let us know so we can

make the collection as complete as possible.

Meanwhile that's it. Enjoy this edition for you won't be seeing another.

Galbraith V. Winterbottom

Editor

*See page 312

The Editor

Page 3: Brutish Newt November 2011

Troika

Targets

Brutish

Conchshell The four member Troika team (which

means 'little donkey' in Armenian) hit

out at the Brutish Conchshell (BC) in

a surprise move last night, claiming

that the way that the BC

conducted business was

indicative of the plight of the

whole country. The five

strong team known as the

Troika (which, in Slovenian,

means 'sugary biscuit')

claimed that one example of

poor financial management was

indicated by the selfish insistence of

most staff to maintain a rigid pay

freeze over years, in spite of inflation

suggesting otherwise. This kind of

attitude, said the team of six known

as the Troika (which is Thai for

'slovenly table manners') showed a

contempt for the needs of senior

managers whose opulent lifestyle was

being threatened by the insistence of

workers in maintaining their pay

freeze in the face of repeated requests

that pay be cut by up to 30% per year

for a period of four years. "Only in

this way," said management

representative 'Tricky' Dicky

Mephistopheles III to the Troika team

of seven "can the yacht in the marina

be maintained and the Bell helicopter

waxed on a daily basis."

The group of eight known collectively

as the Troika (which is Wu Chinese for

'undercooked rice dumpling') have set

out demands which will

effectively reduce staff pay

by around 85% 'in one

swoop'. After listening to

requests from staff that the

so-called subsídios of

summer and Christmas be

left intact, the Troika - a

gang of twenty robust individuals

known for their intolerance to

sunlight - decided to remove monthly

salaries entirely, leaving only the two

subsídios, a move which management

has welcomed 'as a first stage' while

hinting that further cuts were

necessary if the landing strip at the

Bahamas HQ of BC was to be

extended to cope with the new

generation of jets.

The Look Serious Committee (LSC), a

body representing staff interests and

which is part-funded by

Goldman Sachs, said it

accepted the Troika's

decision 'with some reservations' but

nevertheless looked forward to helping

management to further trim the

budget over the next few months.

Needs constant waxing

Page 4: Brutish Newt November 2011

New Travel PolicyManagement have asked tha

of the new travel policy as soon as possible. It takes

effect immediately, though some items are being applied

retrogressively (

• All travel within a

not to wear shoes as

Exceptions to this are made as follows:

third month, who may ask for a crossbar on Peter's

bike;

items weighing more than 50 kgs

may use a skateboard;

employed in the Executive Pay

Bands who may continue to use the chauffeur driven

limo on the understanding that they provide their own ferrero rocher

• Travel between cities must be made by second class donkey and must

be carri

Overnight accommodation (when

in wayside huts provided for this purpose by

Society of St Vincent de Paul. Fleas and hair

are provided free of charge

by management, though

they must be left beh

not eaten as sustenance nor b) traded as a

commodity.

• Travel between countries is not permitted as

this is considered to be a dangerous widening of horizons and

therefore detrimental to the mental health of

serfs staff alike. This rule does not apply to senior managers who

wish to travel first class to exotic destinations.

Staff should be aware that the first item mentioned above (travelling on foot)

is being applied retrogressively

Staff will be billed to repay any money the

for travel undertaken under the old scheme

2006 (with compound interest

20% pa.) Cash only is accepted

Policy Management have asked that staff should be made aware

the new travel policy as soon as possible. It takes

effect immediately, though some items are being applied

retrogressively (see below)

city should be undertaken on foot (staff are

s as wear and tear on shoes cannot be claimed for

Exceptions to this are made as follows: a) pregnant women after the

third month, who may ask for a crossbar on Peter's

bike; b) staff carrying work-related

items weighing more than 50 kgs

may use a skateboard; c) staff

employed in the Executive Pay

Bands who may continue to use the chauffeur driven

on the understanding that they provide their own ferrero rocher

Travel between cities must be made by second class donkey and must

be carried out between sunrise and sunset.

Overnight accommodation (when necessary

in wayside huts provided for this purpose by

Society of St Vincent de Paul. Fleas and hair

are provided free of charge

by management, though

they must be left behind on departure and a)

not eaten as sustenance nor b) traded as a

Travel between countries is not permitted as

this is considered to be a dangerous widening of horizons and

therefore detrimental to the mental health of policy managers

This rule does not apply to senior managers who

wish to travel first class to exotic destinations.

Staff should be aware that the first item mentioned above (travelling on foot)

is being applied retrogressively to the past five years.

Staff will be billed to repay any money they received

for travel undertaken under the old scheme since

interest at a special low rate

is accepted.

t staff should be made aware

the new travel policy as soon as possible. It takes

effect immediately, though some items are being applied

(staff are advised

cannot be claimed for.)

pregnant women after the

third month, who may ask for a crossbar on Peter's

on the understanding that they provide their own ferrero rocher

Travel between cities must be made by second class donkey and must

ed out between sunrise and sunset.

necessary) will be

in wayside huts provided for this purpose by the

Society of St Vincent de Paul. Fleas and hair-lice

this is considered to be a dangerous widening of horizons and

policy managers and

This rule does not apply to senior managers who may

Staff should be aware that the first item mentioned above (travelling on foot)

Page 5: Brutish Newt November 2011

Policies and Procedures There has been some

confusion recently

about the importance

of adhering to

company policies and

procedures. 'Tricky'

Dicky

Mephistopheles III,

on behalf of the

management team,

wishes to emphasise

the importance of

adhering strictly to

the letter of each and

every policy process

and procedure

without deviation.

There have been

instances recently

brought to

management's notice

that some processes

have been overridden

by members of staff

applying an

outmoded practice

called 'common

sense' and

management want

to make it

abundantly clear

that 'common sense'

is strictly forbidden

on the premises or in

any situation where

staff are carrying out

their duties and that

displays of wanton

'common sense' can

and will be punished

by instant dismissal.

This rule applies to

all processes, policies

and procedures,

whether this be

(examples) the travel

policy, the anti-

clockwise coffee

stirring procedure, or

the process for

removing small

children from

computer CD drive

units.

All staff should also

be aware that

policies and

procedures have

now replaced

content in most

aspects of our work.

As from November

1st, all work

outcomes mentioned

in job plans should

reflect only the

maintenance of

processes and

procedures and at no

time should include

any reference to

content or product.

A Message from the LSC The Look Serious Committee (LSC), in its "continuing efforts to be as open and transparent

as possible", according to LSC Tsar Aloysius Niggle, wishes to inform all staff that the next

round of voting will be to insure that the previous round of voting had been done

properly. After that there will be another vote ensuring that everyone in fact understood

what the last vote was all about. That, of course, will require a following vote to ensure

that the first vote, whenever that was, had been conducted in a fair and open manner.

There will then be a December vote on whether in fact we should continuing voting. The

regulations on voting procedures are clearly displayed in the men's toilet of the public

library in Brno, Czech Republic (closed for renovations).

Don't forget to visit the Brutish Newt Archive

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Page 6: Brutish Newt November 2011

DELTA Training Options Teaching staff will be aware that as

from January 1st 2012 all teachers

must have either obtained DELTA or

be actively engaged in obtaining one.

This is now a minimum requirement.

The importance of DELTA was

recently explained in a notice attached

to the church door of St James' by

Untergruppenführer Karelia Papież,

stating that 'uniformity is the key to

effective teaching and we are keen to

see that our teaching methods reflect

our attitude to processes and

procedures viz the concentration on

method as opposed to result.' The

Brutish Newt caught up with

Papież in an underground bunker

next to the newly opened BC firing

range where she further explained

that not everything about DELTA was

to her liking. 'For example,' she said

'while DELTA insists that there are

two tenses in English, past and

present, I would dispute that.' She

went on the explain that, in her view,

there should only be one tense, the

present because 'to think about the

past might be to conjure up a time

when things were better. We don't

want that.' Just as the future tense

had been abolished 'to stop people

looking forward to anything and to try

to eliminate feeble attempts at hope'

so it was now important to

concentrate entirely on the present 'as

being the only time that matters.'

Papież is looks

forward to a

time when the

only pronoun

that exists is 'I'

because this,

she says 'would

be a true

reflection of our

times'.

Staff who do not have the DELTA, or

are not signed up for detention in a

DELTA training camp on January 1st

2012, will be able to choose between

the garrotte and the guillotine.

Photo Quiz

Complete the

caption and send

to Brutish Newt

Editorial Offices,

PO Box 210,

Damascus, Syria

for an amazing

prize.

Human beings not eligible to enter. Please note that prizes may be harmful to sentient beings and oxygen reliant organisms

Page 7: Brutish Newt November 2011

Course books Teachers will be aware that the

blandness content of many course

books has been steadily decreasing

over the years, with occasional

reports of interesting snippets

appearing on some pages. Until

recently management have felt

powerless to do much about this

besides complaining to the

publishers about

'unsuitable' content.

Now, however,

technology comes to the

rescue again, and

management have

invested in a pair of scissors. This

technologically advanced tool

consists of two cutting blades

which can be manipulated by

means of a cunning hinge and

finger recesses, thus allowing

paper, for

example, to be

sliced through

quickly and

accurately. All

teachers will

receive training in

the use of

scissors and will

be directed to cut all 'interesting'

or otherwise offensive material

from course books just as soon as

they have been sufficiently trained.

An average course is expected to

last up to six weeks, of up to four

hours training a week, on

Sundays. Cost of the course, to be

done by all staff in their own time

and at their own expense, will be

in the region of €500 per person.

From the ArchivesFrom the ArchivesFrom the ArchivesFrom the Archives Can you name the people and the events?Can you name the people and the events?Can you name the people and the events?Can you name the people and the events?

Unbelievable lack of prizes for Unbelievable lack of prizes for Unbelievable lack of prizes for Unbelievable lack of prizes for

winning entrywinning entrywinning entrywinning entry

Page 8: Brutish Newt November 2011

KDU - A Warning to All A teacher (who will remain nameless)

has been sentenced to two weekends

in the public stocks in Rua no Brainer

for 'contravening the rules on

day to page synchronicity',

according to Ms C. Whiplash,

the head of the Porto BC Box

Ticking Section. Paul Least,

who cannot be named because

of subsection rules governing

minor offenders and people in

loud shirts (Vol III Sec 4), said before

his first session in the stocks that at

19.32 on Wednesday 25th November,

he had been on page 73, exercise 4 of

the course book 'Drilling for the Sake

of It' instead of on page 75, exercise 1

during his Knowledge Divulgence Unit

(KDU) (formerly 'lesson') with a young

learners class. This, he claimed, was

because some of his students seemed

to have some difficulty with one of the

earlier passages and he didn't want to

'move on until he was sure they were

ready'. Mr Least, who will remain

anonymous, admits that this was a

serious error of judgement. "I thought

for a while I was a real teacher," he

said. "I forgot myself."

Ms Whiplash commented that the

punishment was relatively

lenient due to Mr Least's poor

taste in shirts but pointed out

that "we at the Brutish

Conchshell are adamant that

the proper standards of

mediocrity are maintained" and

also insisted that Mr Least,

whose identity must be protected,

"has to learn that the purpose of

KDUs is to maintain a strict

synchronicity between all Units at all

levels to satisfy corporate demands

while making as much money as

possible." She pointed out that the

defendant, who cannot be named, had

previously appeared before the

Disciplinary Board for joking without

a licence.

Local Senior Executive, Mr

'Shameless' Shorn, was not available

for comment.

Ir-rasher-nal Behaviour? Once dubbed Thane of Barnes in a touching riverside ceremony, Flitch O'Bacon - who was once

employed as Sub-Assistant Junior Lever Flicker of Abbey Road Studio 3 - recently left the

Brutish Conchshell with an enormous sigh of relief.

"To be honest," he said "I didn't leave the Conchshell. It would be fairer to say that it left me."

Swaying gently while clutching a half empty bottle of Alentejo red, O'Bacon could be heard

muttering between gritted teeth '….it's mine….. all mine…..' though whether he was talking

about the bottle of wine, or the handsome machine embroidered tea-towel he had just been

presented with as a leaving gift by grateful management, the Brutish Newt cannot say.

O'Bacon explained, in a rambling speech that rivalled in length, if not in substance, that of Fidel

Castro at his best, that if he tried to join the Brutish Conchshell at the present time he would

never be accepted because of his "lack of qualifications and relevant experience". He went on to

explain that this meant that he didn't have "a so-called f******* management degree which a****-

licked Milt*n Fri**man and that c**p" and further explained that he had little or no experience of

being an utter w**k*r. O'Bacon later fell off the table and lay on the floor where he could be

heard snoring.

Page 9: Brutish Newt November 2011

MBAs for All Just as teachers are being required

to obtain a

DELTA, all

non-teaching

staff will be

required to

qualify as an

MBA. They

are being

given until

April 2013 to

comply.

Senior

Manager,

'Shameless' Shorn, claims that it is

'outrageous' in this day and age

that there are some people on the

staff who don't speak Managerese

and Gobbledegook fluently and

that across-the-board MBAs were a

way to stamp out the curse of

coherent speech. "We still notice

two way communication going on

between some staff and customers

and, frankly, this has to stop." He

is concerned that some customers

are going away satisfied, with their

demands met. That, he claims, is

not the way to keep up customer

demand and that only dissatisfied

customers were likely to return 'as

any qualified MBA will know'.

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Don't forget to visit the Brutish Newt Archive

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Page 10: Brutish Newt November 2011

Christmas partyThe staff Christmas party this year is to be held in

conjunction with Intentional Harm (IH) Braga in an

effort to save costs and 'to display comradely feelings

at this season'.

Brutish Newt

Conchshell are, in fact, employed by IH which is itself owned by

Goldman Sachs. "That explains some recent management

decisions, perhaps," he said ruefully "and we thought we might as well be

open about it."

The joint Christmas party is to be hel

Brainer, between 18.00 and 18.30 on December 4th,

where management are providing a sumptuous

display of crisps and no less than

colours of olives, along with a traditional

bottle of SuperBock plus as many straws as staff

attending. Please note that Art's Kafe is closed on

Sundays.

Signing in Many staff have expressed excitement

at the prospect of the new airport type

scanners and ID facilities that will be

operation from January. As part of

the new compliance with local laws,

all staff will be required to have an ID

chip implanted in the left buttock and

to pass through full body scanners on

arrival and departure at the offices in

no Brainer and Fodge. The Brutish

Newt has also learned that as many

as one in five staff passing through

the enhanced security system will be

personally body-searched by trained

staff from CorpoCheck, whose motto

is 'Leave no Orifice Unchecked'.

Christmas party The staff Christmas party this year is to be held in

conjunction with Intentional Harm (IH) Braga in an

effort to save costs and 'to display comradely feelings

at this season'. Shameless Shorn admitted to the

Brutish Newt that all senior staff at the Bru

Conchshell are, in fact, employed by IH which is itself owned by

Goldman Sachs. "That explains some recent management

decisions, perhaps," he said ruefully "and we thought we might as well be

The joint Christmas party is to be held at Art's Kafe, Rua no

Brainer, between 18.00 and 18.30 on December 4th,

where management are providing a sumptuous

display of crisps and no less than two

colours of olives, along with a traditional

bottle of SuperBock plus as many straws as staff

that Art's Kafe is closed on

Many staff have expressed excitement

at the prospect of the new airport type

scanners and ID facilities that will be

operation from January. As part of

pliance with local laws,

all staff will be required to have an ID

chip implanted in the left buttock and

to pass through full body scanners on

arrival and departure at the offices in

no Brainer and Fodge. The Brutish

Newt has also learned that as many

one in five staff passing through

the enhanced security system will be

searched by trained

, whose motto

Unchecked'.

Management have made it clear that

staff may only be checked ONCE on

entry and exit and that attempts to

queue up again will be

severely.

The staff Christmas party this year is to be held in

conjunction with Intentional Harm (IH) Braga in an

effort to save costs and 'to display comradely feelings

admitted to the

that all senior staff at the Brutish

Conchshell are, in fact, employed by IH which is itself owned by

decisions, perhaps," he said ruefully "and we thought we might as well be

d at Art's Kafe, Rua no

Brainer, between 18.00 and 18.30 on December 4th,

Management have made it clear that

staff may only be checked ONCE on

exit and that attempts to

queue up again will be dealt with

Page 11: Brutish Newt November 2011

Cigarettes and AlcoholAll staff are reminded

that it is forbidden BY

LAW to smoke on the

premises. This includes

public areas and offices as

well as the garden, stairs,

fire escape and an area up to

10 metres from the

door of the building.

are further reminded th

the ONLY alcohol allowed on

the premises is that provided

in the appropriate dispensers on

each floor (gin on the lower floors,

vodka on the top floor) and that

staff are allowed a MAXIMUM of

Staff are reminded

that Fire Drills are

carried out regularly

and will always be

carried out at the

most inconvenient

time possible. This is

to prepare staff and

students for readiness

in the most

challenging of

situations. For this

reason all staff will

have a BC fire alarm

fitted at their homes.

On hearing the fire

alarm (which may well

More in the Brutish Newt Archive

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and Alcohol All staff are reminded

that it is forbidden BY

LAW to smoke on the

premises. This includes

public areas and offices as

well as the garden, stairs,

fire escape and an area up to

10 metres from the front

Staff

are further reminded that

the ONLY alcohol allowed on

the premises is that provided

in the appropriate dispensers on

each floor (gin on the lower floors,

vodka on the top floor) and that

staff are allowed a MAXIMUM of

one litre per day per person

EXCEPT for teachers who may

consume up to one and a half

litres per day.

Staff wishing

to drink water

are permitted

to do so but

only if they

bring their

own supply

which must

be consumed discretely and out of

sight of the public and

be at 4 am on a cold,

wet Sunday morning;

in fact, it is most

likely to be) all staff

(except senior

management) will

proceed immediately

to either no Brainer or

Fodge without waiting

to dress etc. The

travel policy is relaxed

for this and taxis

MUST be used,

though at the staff

member's own

expense. Staff will

assemble in the

garden or on the

playing fields (without

umbrellas, please

note, as these are fire

hazard

proceed to

and every

students in turn on

their mobile phones to

check that they are

safe and well. Once

the roster has been

completed staff may

return home for a late

breakfast.

Brutish Newt Archive

http://issuu.com/fitch/docs/brutish_newt_archive

one litre per day per person

EXCEPT for teachers who may

sume up to one and a half

discretely and out of

sight of the public and students.

ssemble in the

garden or on the

playing fields (without

umbrellas, please

note, as these are fire

hazards) and will then

proceed to ring each

and every one of their

students in turn on

their mobile phones to

check that they are

safe and well. Once

the roster has been

completed staff may

return home for a late

breakfast. Fire Drill App Beat the cold and wet

and avoid the four

a.m. turnout for fire

drill. Download this

app now. Beams a

hologram of yourself

to the assembly area

in seconds. As used

by top management

for meetings. Not

GTI compatible.