Brooklyn Nine Nine Jake the Hero
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Transcript of Brooklyn Nine Nine Jake the Hero
-
Brooklyn Nine-Nine
"Jake The Hero"
By
Rob Pardini
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COLD OPEN
INT. 99TH PRECINCT - LINE UP ROOM
JAKE, AMY, CHARLES, and TERRY are standing behind a one way
window, staring at a group of mean looking PERPS in a line
up. An OLD WOMEN is with them, looking closely at them as
well.
JAKE
Do any of these men look like the
one who stole your car Maam?
OLD WOMEN
The one in the middle. Number
three. Hes the one who stole it.
Im sure of it.
JAKE
Seriously?
(to group)
That was easier than its ever been.
AMY
Yeah, a line up has never gone that
well before.
CHARLES
We are way ahead of schedule
here. Legally, we dont have to
release these guys for another
hour.
JAKE
I know what we should do.
CUT TO: One of the Perps is holding a PIECE OF PAPER.
JAKE
(into the SPEAKER)
Number One, please read the phrase
youve been given
PERP
(reading)
Hand me the keys you...
Amy, Charles and Terry share groans of disappointment.
AMY
Come on, Jake. Not the Usual
Suspects bit again.
(CONTINUED)
-
CONTINUED: 2.
CHARLES
You do it everytime.
JAKE
But its so cool! You know that
scene was improvised right? The
whole thing. Benicio Del Toro kept
farting too.
CUT TO: Amy is speaking into the speaker.
AMY
Suspects, please put your right
hand in.
The Perps all put their right hand in.
AMY (CONT)
Now, take your right hand out.
They all take their right hand out.
AMY (CONT)
Now put your right hand back in...
(beat)
And shake it all about!
The Perps look at the window, confused. Amy laughs and
looks around at her fellow detectives. They stare at her
like an idiot.
AMY
Screw you guys, Im funny dammit.
CUT TO: The Perps are now eating some exquisite
FOOD. Charles speaks into the speaker.
CHARLES
Those who liked plate A better,
step foward. If you liked play
plate B, step back.
Four of the Perps step forward and only one steps back.
CHARLES (contd)
Wow, the creme du fromage with the
huge upset. Did not see that
coming.
JAKE
Why did we let you do this?
CUT TO: GINA has arrived and she talks into the speaker.
(CONTINUED)
-
CONTINUED: 3.
GINA
Suspect one, how would you describe
your perfect date?
TERRY
This isnt a dating show, Gina.
GINA
Yeah, but Tinder isnt and CANT
fulfill my needs so I need to get
my boom boom boom some other way.
(to perps)
Suspect number two, if I was an ice
cream cone, how would you eat me?
CUT TO: Terry is on the other side of the glass with the
Perps. He is using two of them as WEIGHTS as he holds them
by the pants and does some intense CURLS. The other Perps
keep count out loud.
TERRY
I get this workout in now, then I
only have to spend 2 hours at the
gym later.
The other detectives count along with the perps.
CHARLES
(to Peralta)
So Del Toro was really farting the
entire time?
JAKE
Yeah, just ripping them!
END OF COLD OPEN
(CONTINUED)
-
CONTINUED: 4.
ACT ONE
INT. 99TH PRECINCT CONFERENCE ROOM - MORNING
Members of the 99th precinct gather in the conference room
for a meeting. CAPTIAN HOLT is standing at the podium with
Terry beside him.
HOLT
And lastly, I would like to remind
you that today is our 300th
straight day without a doughnut in
the station. Way to break down
sterotypes everyone.
Everyone gives a round of applause. SCULLY comes in late
with a BOX OF DOUGHNUTS, and he is even eating one.
SCULLY
Sorry Im late boss.
TERRY
Dammit Scully! The doughnut streak!
SCULLY
(taking another bite)
I regret nothing.
HOLT
Now before we leave is there
anything...
Jake leaps up to the podium with a NEWSPAPER in his hand.
JAKE
Now that you mention it Captain,
there is something I would like to
brag about.
ROSA
Nobody cares that you met a drunk
Joe Namath at a Nets game.
JAKE
First of all, thats not what Im
talking about and second of all,
people do care.
CHARLES
I sure care Jake, even though I
dont know who Joe Namath is.
(CONTINUED)
-
CONTINUED: 5.
JAKE
Thank you Charles. What I wanted to
brag about was this front page
article in the New York Times about
the case I closed recently. You
know, the one with the illegal
street racing ring and
the undercover cop who couldnt
decide where his loyalties lied?
AMY
Isnt that "The Fast and the
Furious"?
JAKE
I know, right? Weird
coincidence. Anyway, here it is in
all its glory.
(throws newspaper to Amy)
And trust me, this is just the
start. First its newspapers, then
its talk shows and then Ill be
hosting Saturday Night Live with
musical guest Taylor Swift.
CHARLES
Shes good, but shes no Lana Del
Rey.
ROSA
(under her breath)
Agreed.
Charles looks to Rosa, shocked that she likes Lana Del Rey.
ROSA (contd)
You tell anyone, youll wish you
hadnt.
AMY
(to Jake)
Your name isnt in the article.
JAKE
WHAT?
Jake SNATCHES the newspaper out of Amys hands to see for
himself.
AMY
All it says is "An NYPD
Detective".
(CONTINUED)
-
CONTINUED: 6.
ROSA
For all anyone knows Scully or
Hitchcock could have solved this
case.
Scully looks up upon hearing their names. HITCHCOCK sits
next to him but is taking a nap.
SCULLY
(poking hitchcock)
Hey, I think we did something good.
HITCHCOCK
(violently wakes up)
Charlie everywhere!
JAKE
(upset)
I cant believe this. Stupid New
York times! Im going to continue
not reading you.
Jake RIPS up the newspaper into tiny little pieces and
THROWS it up in the air before slumping back into his seat.
The pieces of newspaper fall like celebration confetti,
landing all over Holt.
HOLT
(brushing trash off)
May I ask why this is so important
to you, Peralta?
JAKE
Now no one is gonna know that Jake
Peralta is the one who took down
all those criminals and solved this
huge case.
AMY
So what? Shouldnt making the
streets safer for the city be
enough?
HOLT
I agree with Santiago.
Amy grabs a JOURNAL from seemingly no where. She WRITES
something in it.
AMY
(to self)
Monday the 14th, at 9:22 am,
Sergeant Holt agreed with me.
(CONTINUED)
-
CONTINUED: 7.
JAKE
All that making the city safe and
wiping the criminal scum off the
face of the earth and all that jazz
is fine and dandy but all Im
asking for is a little recognition,
which is apparantly impossible to
get in this city.
CUT TO:
EXT. HOUSE - FLASHBACK
Jake is talking with a CIVILIAN on the front steps of his
home. On the street, there is a PADDY WAGON full of
CRIMINALS in the back.
JAKE
It might have taken almost 18 hours
of non stop work, tracking down
almost nonexistent leads, 3 broken
ribs and a near death experience,
but I caught the guys who robbed
your home and brought all your
belongings back to you.
CIVILIAN
Have a nice day.
The Civilian slams the door right in Jakes face.
BACK TO:
INT. 99TH PRECINCT BULL PEN - AS WE LEFT THEM
Jake turns to face the rest of his peers.
JAKE
Deep down, every cop wants some
recognition and reward for their
hard work. Its the reason people
become cops.
TERRY
I became a cop to make the city a
safe place for my daughters to grow
up.
ROSA
I became a cop so I could legally
hurt people with various weapons.
(CONTINUED)
-
CONTINUED: 8.
AMY
I became a cop to carry on the
proud legacy of my family name in
the NYPD.
CHARLES
I became a cop because I believe
there is good in this world thats
worth fighting for.
GINA
(on her PHONE)
Just skip me, Im too busy texting
the care that I dont give over any
of this.
HITCHCOCK
I became a cop because Scully
wanted to be one.
SCULLY
Really? I became a cop because you
wanted to be one.
AMY
How long have you two been friends?
JAKE
Liars the lot of you! You became
cops for the chance at fame and
glory and you know it. I dont need
this, Im out of here.
Jake grabs his jacket and leaves.
HOLT
And where are you going exactly?
PERALTA
I just have to go to the bank and
tell them that a bunch of charges
on my credit card were made by me.
Ill be back but I just wanted to
leave dramatically.
(to everyone else)
You all make me sick!
Jake exits in a huff.
-
9.
INT. HOLTS OFFICE - LATER
Holt is sitting at his Desk. Amy enters.
AMY
I updated that report I made up
earlier for you sir.
HOLT
Thank you. Police work may be
boring but I find the boring stuff
to be the most enjoyable. Nothing
like having a fresh stack of paper
and going through it with a new
higlighter and freshly sharpened
pencils.
(beat)
This is my high.
AMY
I agree sir. It doesnt have to be
all glitzy and glamorous, no matter
how much Jake wants it to be.
HOLT
Youre absolutely right. We seem
to be on the same page today.
AMY
(giddy)
Totally. Its like youre taking the
words right outta my mouth.
Literally taking the words out,
putting them into your mouth and
then shooting them out back into my
mouth. Im just going to quit while
Im ahead.
Amy exits, quickly.
INT. BANK - LATER
Jake is sitting at a desk. Across the desk sits a TELLER.
JAKE
I know it was unusual activity, but
I assure you I am the one made
those purchases on my credit card.
TELLER
So you bought twenty cardboard cut
outs of 1980s professional
wrestlers?
(CONTINUED)
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CONTINUED: 10.
JAKE
Yes, I was drunk and nostaglic. A
deadly combination.
TELLER
Ok. I can clear that right up for
you then. Is there anything else I
could do for you Mr. Peralta?
JAKE
No, that will be all. Unless you
can tell the entire city of New
York who I am so I can get the
recognition I deserve?
TELLER
Are you the guy whose dog performed
CPR on a World War two veteran?
JAKE
What? No. Gross, so many germs.
Jake exits. On his way out, he holds the door open for two
suspicous MEN.
MAN 1
Thank, man.
JAKE
No problem. At least Im getting
thanked for something.
Jake walks down the street. As he puts his wallet away, he
searches through it.
JAKE
(annoyed)
And I forgot to get my card back.
Lovely.
Jake does a 180 and walks back into the bank. He enters to
see the two Men who he held the door for ROBBING THE BANK
and heading straight for him. Everyone is on the ground.
They collide with Jake, causing them to drop their GUNS and
BAGS filled with CASH.
JAKE (contd)
(picking himself up)
What the hell? I hold the door open
for you guys and you go and do
this? Not cool.
(CONTINUED)
-
CONTINUED: 11.
MAN 1
(to other Man)
Grab the cash and lets get outta
here!
JAKE
Or you could come with me.
(pulls out BADGE and GUN)
NYPD. Youre under arrest.
The two Men surrender and put their hands in the air.
INT. HOLTS OFFICE - LATER
Jake stands in front of Holt at his desk.
HOLT
Well done, Peralta. The force is
very impressed by your actions
today.
JAKE
My pleasure Captain. Ive had
"Stop a bank robbery" on my
detective bucket list for a while
now.
Jake pulls out a PIECE OF PAPER with a long, list on it from
his pocket and shows Holt.
JAKE
Its right here in between "Seduce a
hot daughter of a mob boss" and
"Meet Liam Neeson". That rone has
nothing to do with being a
detective, Im just a big fan.
HOLT
Join the club. Anyway, todays
events certainly havent gone
unnoticed. The commissioner wants
you to address the media about it.
JAKE
Seriously? When?
HOLT
Now.
-
12.
EXT. 99TH PRECINCT - IMMEDIATELY
Jake is standing in front of a HORDE OF REPORTERS who are
shoving their microphones in front of his face. They shove
each other trying to get a better position like a mosh pit.
Behind the reporters is a GROUP OF CITIZENS who are cheering
and lauding over Jake and his heroic actions. He just takes
it all in.
JAKE
Now this is more like it.
END OF ACT ONE
(CONTINUED)
-
CONTINUED: 13.
ACT TWO
EXT. CITY HALL - THE NEXT DAY
Jake, dressed to the nines in his full uniform, stands next
to DEPUTY COMMISSIONER PODOLSKI and Holt. Podolski is
behind a podium on the steps of City Hall, adressing a large
CROWD, from reporters to citizens.
PODOLSKI
The NYPD is extremely proud of the
heroism displayed by the 99th
precincts Detective Peralta. He
is a valuable member of our force
and...
(swallowing pride)
We could use more people like him
in this great city.
This is greated by a round of applause. Podolski leans over
to Jake.
PODOLSKI (contd)
(to Jake)
I just threw up in my mouth.
JAKE
And I couldnt be happier.
PODOLSKI
(to crowd)
It is my pleasure to award
Detective Peralta with the
Commendation on Integrity, for his
bravery in this highly credible,
yet unusual accomplishment
Podolski presents the MEDAL, a bar decorated with a green
and blue stripe on the ends and a blue star in the middle,
and pins it on Jake as the crowd gives another round of
applause.
JAKE
Be gentle, its my first time.
PODOLSKI
Stop enjoying this so much.
JAKE
I will, but not before I crowd
surf!
Jake JUMPS into the crowd. But no one even tries to catch
Jake and he crashes on the hard ground.
(CONTINUED)
-
CONTINUED: 14.
Everyone is concerned but Jake bounces right back up.
JAKE
Im ok. Im ok. Im ok and Im
still a hero.
INT. 99TH PRECINCT BULL PEN - LATER
Jake and Holt return to the Precinct after the
ceremony. Jake proudly struts in, wearing his shiny new
medal.
JAKE
(sing song voice)
I got a shiny medal. I got a shiny
medal and you dont.
CHARLES
I sure dont. Way to go Jake!
Jake and Charles hi-five. Amy rolls her eyes.
AMY
You would let this go way to your
head. You know that medal isnt
that big of a deal right?
JAKE
Oh really? did you ever win one?
AMY
(beat)
No.
JAKE
Then sucks to be you. Because once
again youve been left in the dust
by Jake "Hero of Brooklyn" Peralta.
Thats one of the few nicknames
Ive given myself. Here are the
rest. UltraCop, Supermans favorite
hero, True-est Detective...
HOLT
(interupting)
Peralta, congratulations on your
accomplishment. Although the medal
is a little flashy for my taste.
Jake looks at the medal, which is everything but flashy.
(CONTINUED)
-
CONTINUED: 15.
JAKE
Yeah, sure.
HOLT
But those bank robbers arent the
only criminals in the city. Its
time for you and for everyone to
get back to work.
JAKE
I will get started right away. And
by right away I mean after my super
awesome party thats being thrown in
my honor tonight.
Rosa appraches Jake, clearly upset.
ROSA
Party? We were supposed to do a
stakeout out tonight for that drug
deal we gotta tip on. Remember?
JAKE
Rosa, part of this new role of mine
is that I have to balance the
responsiblities of my two jobs,
detective and hero this city
deserves and needs right now.
ROSA
What does that mean?
JAKE
Means Im not going. Dont worry
well get them the next time. Im
sure theyll run out of drugs
sooner or later, probably sooner.
Jake exits.
AMY
Can you believe him?
CHARLES
I know. He didnt invite us. We
can still go right? Were best
friends with the hero, we should be
able to get in.
GINA
Im going. I heard Jay-Zs personal
assistant will be there and I want
to know why he isnt responding to
my hilariously sexy snapchats.
-
16.
INT. 99TH PRECINCT - HOLTS OFFICE
Holt sits at his desk. Amy enters.
AMY
Hey Captain, do you have a second?
HOLT
Of course. I hope that Peraltas
accomplishment hasnt been a
distraction to your work.
AMY
Not at all sir. I actually just
picked up on a new lead I wanted to
share with you. Could you come to
the conference room with me real
quick?
CUT TO:
INT. CONFERENCE ROOM - IMMEDIATLEY AFTER
Holt and Amy enter the conference room. Amy walks over to a
WHITEBOARD and FLIPS it over, revealing a large COLLAGE
filled with PICTURES, NOTES, and MAPS with PIECES OF YARN of
different colors connecting them all.
HOLT
I see youve been keeping yourself
busy.
AMY
This is my research on how we can
stop all crime in New York city
forever.
HOLT
And how long have you been working
on this?
AMY
Since I became a detective, and a
little bit before that as well. I
know it seems a bit confusing so
sit down while I explain. It might
take a while.
Holt sits down, his mouth is still open.
AMY
Ok, so the green strings represent
the mobs in the city and if they
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)
-
CONTINUED: 17.
AMY (contd)have a gold star on them, that
means there is a sixty-three
percent chance that they know where
Jimmy Hoffas body is.
HOLT
Santiago, I can honestly say that I
have never seen anything like this
in all my years with the NYPD.
AMY
(choked up)
That was the nicest thing you have
ever said to me Captain.
INT. BAR - LATER THAT NIGHT
The bar is packed. Everyone is there to celebrate Jakes
award and have a chance to meet everyones hero.
Jake is wearing his MEDAL and a SASH that says "HERO" on
it. He walks around the bar and bathes in his new found
celebrity.
JAKE
(to random people)
Hey whats up? I guess they let
anyone in here. No Im kidding,
stay beautiful. Yo gimme some,
white hand side white hand side.
Oh, dance circle! Let me in here!
(pops and locks, poorly)
Thats what I do. That is what I
do.
EXT. BAR ENTRACNE - IMMEDIATLY AFTER
Terry, Charles and Gina arrive but they are stopped by the
BOUNCER at the door.
CHARLES
Hello, keeper of the bar. We are
here for the celebration.
BOUNCER
Are you on the list?
CHARLES
We should be, were best friends
with the guest of honor.
Charles sees Jake at the bar and tries to get his
attention.
(CONTINUED)
-
CONTINUED: 18.
CHARLES (contd)
(waving)
Jake! Jake! Its your friend
Charles, from work! Were here!
Jake is too busy pounding beers and being famous to notice
his friends outside the entrance.
BOUNCER
Youre not getting in.
CHARLES
(to Terry and Gina)
Ok, I didnt want to do this, but
it looks like Ill have to give
this guy a little tip-job to get us
in.
GINA
Dont tell us what that is.
Charles extends his hand to the Bouncer, gesturing for a
SHAKE.
CHARLES
No hard feelings, pal.
The Bouncer SHAKES Charles hand. He looks in his hand to
find a GIFT CARD.
BOUNCER
Is this a gift card?
CHARLES
Not just any gift card, a gift card
to the 3rd most adequate restaurant
in the city called...
The Bouncer throws the gift card away.
BOUNCER
Back of the line.
They walk to the back of the line.
TERRY
I need to get into this party. If I
go home, my daughters are gonna
make me watch "Frozen" again. You
dont know what the movie can do to
a man.
CUT TO:
-
19.
FLASHBACK: 99TH PRECINCT - LOCKER ROOM
Members of the 99 get changed in the locker room. Terry
stands in front of his locker putting on his TIE.
TERRY
(singing)
Let it go, let it go! Turn away and
slam the door! I dont care, what
theyre going to say...
Terry shit his locker and turns around, only to see other
MEMBERS of the 99 all staring at him.
Terry stares back and gulps loudly.
BACK TO:
EXT. BAR - AS WE LEFT THEM
Charles get caught up in the moment and sings along.
CHARLES
Im so sick of Frozen. If you ask
me, Tangled was way better.
GINA
Dont worry. Ive been denied at
practically every bar, club, and
Jay Z and Beyonce dinner date
around. But I have my ways of
getting in. Follow my lead.
Gina approaches the Bouncer.
GINA (contd)
Hello, gatekeeper to alcohol. Cant
you find it in your heart to...
Gina KICKS the Bouncer in the shin and RUNS right by him.
But she is escorted right back outside by two other
Bouncers.
GINA
Bad idea. I did not check for more
security. Rookie mistake Linetti,
you dumb bitch, come on!
Gina, Terry and Charles walk away from the entrance as the
Bouncer rubs his shin.
-
20.
EXT. STREET - NIGHT
Amy and Rosa hold a stake out on a very shady street. They
sit in a parked car.
ROSA
Thanks again for helping me out on
this one. Jake and I have been
working this case for months, and
the second we get a hot lead he
goes out to let everyone kiss his
ass.
AMY
My pleasure. And its best not to
get jealous about Jake and all the
attention hes getting.
ROSA
Im not jealous. Im pissed.
AMY
Yeah, Im not jealous either. I
dont know why we even brought it
up.
ROSA
You brought it up. You said not to
get jealous.
AMY
No I didnt.
ROSA
Yes, you did.
AMY
Doesnt matter, ok? Lets just drop
it.
ROSA
Fine. But you said it though.
AMY
Hey, look.
Two suspcious looking MEN turn around the corner and post up
at the corner. A car DRIVES up and parks in front of them.
ROSA
This is it. Wait for them to make
the exchange.
(CONTINUED)
-
CONTINUED: 21.
The car drives away and the two men walk down the street in
the opposite direction.
AMY
Thats it. Lets hit it.
Amy and Rosa exit the car and pursue the two Men.
AMY (contd)
You come up from behind them and
Ill sneak up in front and get the
jump on them.
ROSA
That seems unnecessary. Lets
just...
Rosa looks for Amy but she is already gone.
Rosa catches up with the two men.
ROSA
NYPD, stop right there.
The two men turn to see Rosa and they run away. Before Rosa
can give chase, Amy flies in and TAKES DOWN both men. Rosa
stops in her tracks.
Amy picks up one of the men and pummels him. The other one
grabs her from behind but she flips him over herself onto
the ground like a ninja.
ROSA
This is the most Ive ever liked
you.
Amy delivers a final knockout blow to the man on the ground
and then handcuffs both of them.
AMY
(to men)
Listen up, I want answers and I
want them now.
MAN 1
Please dont hurt me anymore. I
have a wife and 2 kids that hate
me.
MAN 2
Dont hurt me either. Im sleeping
with his wife.
(CONTINUED)
-
CONTINUED: 22.
ROSA
Santiago, as much as I like hurting
people we dont have to do this
now. We can call it in and take
them to the station.
AMY
Nope, we have to do it now. Where
did these drugs come from huh?
Gangs? Cartel? Illuminati? Who?
ROSA
Seriously? Illuminati?
AMY
Tell me who it was so I can take
them down and get a medal and stab
Jakes stupid face with it.
ROSA
And there it is.
INT. BAR - MUCH LATER
Jake is smashed. He has added a lopsided CROWN to his
ensemble. He stands next to a SPOKESWOMAN for the bank.
There is a table with what appears to be a BOX on it that is
covered with a sheet.
SPOKESWOMAN
I would just like to thank everyone
for coming tonight to honor, and he
asked me to say this, Hero of the
Century, Detective Jake Peralta.
The drunk crowd roars for Jake as he panders to them.
SPOKESWOMAN
As a token of our appreciation, we
would like to present Mr. Peralta
with a gift.
JAKE
I like gifts.
SPOKESWOMAN
We decided to give you a gift from
one hero cop to another. It is my
pleasure to give to you
(beat)
John McClanes gun from "Die Hard"!
(CONTINUED)
-
CONTINUED: 23.
The Spokeswoman RIPS off the sheet to reveal a GLASS BOX
containing the prop gun Bruce Willis used in the film "Die
Hard".
Jakes eyes lit up. Hes never recieved a gift like this
before in his entire life.
EXT. ALLEY BY THE BAR - MEANWHILE
Terry is reaching for a window to look into the bar. He is
being lifted by Charles while Gina watches. Charles is
struggling to keep Terry up.
GINA
Can you reach the window?
TERRY
Im trying!
CHARLES
(breathing, heavily)
Can you hurry please?
GINA
Wait, why didnt we have Terry lift
up Charles?
CHARLES
(still struggling)
Oh, why are we so bad at this?
Charles collapses under the weight of Terry and they both
fall to the ground hard.
GINA
(giggles)
Nice.
Gina takes a selfie with them lying on the ground.
INT. BAR - AS WE LEFT THEM
Jake is still in awe over recieving John McClanes gun.
SPOKESWOMAN
Jake, are you ok? You havent moved
or said anything for a full minute.
JAKE
Can...Can I hold it?
(CONTINUED)
-
CONTINUED: 24.
SPOKESWOMAN
Of course.
Jake lifts open the glass case and holds the gun.
JAKE
My entire life has been leading up
to this moment.
(yelling)
I am worthy to hold the gun of John
McClane!
The crowd erupts as Jake holds his prize in the air.
EXT. BAR ENTRANCE - IMMEDIATELY AFTER
A defeated Terry, Charles and Gina approach the Bouncer.
CHARLES
Please let us into the bar. Pretty
please. We would really like to go
inside. We all really want this.
Please.
The Bouncer looks at them with pity.
BOUNCER
Ok, go in.
Terry, Charles and Gina celebrate and head for the bar.
Just as Jake rushes out the door, waving his gun proudly and
drunk. He meets Terry, Charles and Gina.
JAKE
(to Terry, Charles, Gina)
Co-workers! Look at my new gun!
Its Die Hards gun! Die Hards
gun!
A Taxi cab pulls up to the curb.
JAKE (contd)
(re: cab)
Oh, is this for me?
Jake crawls into the cab and it drives off, leaving Terry,
Charles and Gina in the dust.
-
25.
INT. JAKES APARTMENT - LATER THAT NIGHT
Jake drunkenly stumbles into his home.
JAKE
(singing but slurring)
And you can tell erry body..Im da
man Im da man Im da man!
VOICE (O.S)
You are the man.
Jake looks up to see a group of nasty looking BAD GUYS
standing in his living room.
LEAD BAD GUY
Youre the man who screwed up my
bank job, and now youre gonna pay.
Jake looks at the bad guys and laughs. His laugh gets louder
and louder and eventually the Bad Guys join in.
Jake goes to put his hands behind his, but reaches for the
GUN that is taped to his back.
JAKE
(draws gun)
Holly, duck!
Jake pulls the trigger but nothing fires. Just empty clicks.
JAKE (contd)
Oh right, fake gun. Crap.
END OF ACT TWO
(CONTINUED)
-
CONTINUED: 26.
ACT THREE
INT. JAKES APARTMENT - AS WE LEFT THEM
The Bad Guys surrond Jake as he sits uncomfortably in a
chair in the middle of the living room.
JAKE
Ok, I know what this is really
about. You guys want autographs,
right? Let me just grab this pen
and paper right here. Now who do I
make it out to? Psycho criminals?
Is that hypenated or...
LEAD BAD GUY
(interuppting)
We dont want you stupid autograph,
hotshot! We want our goddamn money!
JAKE
I have like a hundred bucks in
change in a water cooler in my
bedroom if that helps.
LEAD BAD GUY
We spent months planning that heist
and you ruined it!
JAKE
Months? Seriously? It took you
months to think of the plan "Run
into the bank with guns and take
the money"? You guys are horrible
criminals.
LEAD BAD GUY
Shut up! Weve been watching you,
bragging and flaunting your little
good deed around town and were
sick of it! So let me tell you
whats gonna happen. Were gonna hit
the same bank again, and this time,
youre gonna help us rob it.
JAKE
Really? And why would I do that? We
havent exactly gotten off on the
right foot here.
LEAD BAD GUY
If you dont, then we might
accidentally break your precious
new toy.
(CONTINUED)
-
CONTINUED: 27.
A Baddie holds up the Gun from "Die Hard" and waves it at
Jake.
JAKE
No! Dont hurt it! He didnt do
anything to you!
LEAD BAD GUY
Thats what I thought.
INT. 99TH PRECINCT - NEXT DAY
Holt walks out of his office and looks around the bullpen.
HOLT
Has anyone seen Santiago? I need to
ask her about these reports she
filled out.
ROSA
Which one, the report about the
mayor funding a sweatshop or the
one with the mayor running a dog
fighting ring?
(beat)
She really doesnt trust the mayor,
does she?
HOLT
To be honest, I didnt vote for him
either.
ROSA
Shes in the interrogation room
right now. You should probably
check in on her.
CUT TO:
INT. 99TH PRECINCT - INTERROGATION ROOM
Amy stands behind the window in front of Holt. There is a
MAN sitting at the table. His hands cover his face as he
weeps loudly.
AMY
Is this important Captain? Im
kinda in the middle of something
here.
HOLT
Why is that man crying Santiago?
(CONTINUED)
-
CONTINUED: 28.
AMY
Who him? I just got him to confess
to crap load of crimes. Hes going
to jail for a while and now people
are going to now all about me and
my awesomeness and Jakes will be
yesterdays hot garbage.
HOLT
I thought you didnt care about
Peraltas...recent surge in
popularity.
AMY
I dont care about the interviews,
and parties, or the front row seats
to Springsteen.
HOLT
Front Row? Is he bringing anyone?
Im sorry you were saying?
AMY
Its that award. Every man in my
family has won that award. Ive
always wanted to keep that
tradition alive but I havent
earned it yet. But some how, Jake
just lucks into it.
HOLT
Santiago, just because Peralta won
an award and you didnt doesnt
make you any less of a cop. You
still one of the best cops Ive
ever worked with. Im sure your
family is proud of you, no matter
if you win every award there is, or
none at all.
AMY
Maybe youre right, sir. Im pretty
sure Ive been doing worse ever
since I tried so hard winning the
award. Ive been really grasping at
straws.
Holt looks through the window.
HOLT
What about him? What did you get
him for?
(CONTINUED)
-
CONTINUED: 29.
AMY
Tax evasion.
HOLT
Thats actually very impressive.
AMY
Did you know that Al Capone...
HOLT
Yes.
Charles enters, holding his PHONE. He looks worried.
CHARLES
Captain, I just got a text from
Jake. I think hes in trouble.
HOLT
(concerned)
What does it say?
CHARLES
It says "Im in trouble."
HOLT
Oh. Where is he?
CHARLES
He says hes at the last place you
would ever find him.
AMY
I know where he is.
EXT. HEALTHY RESTAURANT - DAY
Holt, Amy and Charles arrive at a local gym. Rosa and Terry
are already there.
TERRY
We got your message. Whats going
on?
AMY
Its Jake. He should be inside.
-
30.
INT. HEALTHY RESTAURANT - IMMEDIATLY AFTER
Jake is sitting at a table, sipping a GLASS OF WATER.
JAKE
Thank god you guys are here. The
waitresses were giving me crap
because Im taking up such a big
table by myself and not ordering
any garbage health food. Also, Im
in huge trouble.
CHARLES
Why dont you just order some food
then?
JAKE
(to Charles)
Who am I, you?
HOLT
What are we doing here Peralta?
JAKE
Remember that bank robbery I
stopped and became a national
sensation?
They act like that hasnt been the focus of the enitre
episode, except Charles.
CHARLES
That was awesome.
JAKE
They werent the only ones in on
it. The rest of them showed up at
my house and threatened me to help
them rob another bank. Thankfully I
was able to give them the slip and
contact you guys.
INT. JAKES APARTMENT - FLASHBACK
Jake is walking to the door. The Bad Guys are sitting in
his living room.
JAKE
I have to go to the bathroom.
(beat)
Outside.
(CONTINUED)
-
CONTINUED: 31.
BAD GUY
Ok.
INT. HEALTH RESTAURANT - AS WE LEFT THEM
JAKE
They are seriously terrible
criminals. But I have to get back
soon. Or else.
HOLT
Or else what?
JAKE
(choking up)
They took him Captain. They took my
boy.
TERRY
Hes talking about the gun.
Everyone groans.
ROSA
This is the problem Jake. Ever
since you got that stupid award
youve been a total jackass.
A WAITRESS approaches them
WAITRESS
Good, youre friends are here.
Would you like to order?
(beat)
Finally?
JAKE
(to Waitress)
Yes, glasses of water, all around.
On me!
The waitress rolls her eyes and exits.
HOLT
Rosas right Jake. Youve been
ignoring your cases, Santiago has
been acting crazy with jealousy.
AMY
(scoffs)
Not crazy with jealousy.
Everyone looks at Amy.
(CONTINUED)
-
CONTINUED: 32.
AMY (contd)
Ok, maybe.
CHARLES
Youve even left Terry, Gina and I
behind at that party. I understand
Terry and Gina, but me Jake? Your
best friend? Charles?
JAKE
What do you want from me? An
apology for being so awesome and
stopping a bank robbery?
AMY
We want you to stop being such an
ass about it.
Everyone murmurs in agreement.
JAKE
I guess I could have been a little
bit cooler about it. And Im sorry
and I will make it up to you and
the enitre 99, but I am seriously
in trouble here guys. What are we
gonna do?
HOLT
Just go along with the robbers
plan while we figure out what to
do. Everyone get back to the
station. We have some work to do.
INT. BANK - THE NEXT DAY
Another typical day at the bank. Tellers are helping
customers with their financial troubles.
Jake kicks through the doors and runs into the bank and
JUMPS up on the counter. He is dressed as a cliche bank
robber, complete with BLACK MASK and a BAG with a giant
DOLLAR SIGN on it.
JAKE
(in a old timey gangster
accent)
Myeah see! This here is a good old
fashioned stick up!
The Bad Guys rush in with their guns drawn.
(CONTINUED)
-
CONTINUED: 33.
LEAD BAD GUY
What are you doing?
JAKE
If Im gonna rob a bank, Im gonna
do it my way. Everyone reach for
the sky!
LEAD BAD GUY
Thats Woody from Toy Story! Stop
screwing around and grab as much as
you can!
Jake and and other Bad Guys harass the tellers as they fill
the bags with cash. They grab the bags and head for the
door.
They run outside only to meet the entire 99 force waiting
for them.
The Bad Guys drop their guns and bags and put their hands
up. But Lead Bud Guy turns around to run away but Jake
TACKLES him from behind and cuffs him.
BAD GUY
You son of a bitch! You planned
this the whole time?
JAKE
Yeah, I dont know how you guys
didnt see it coming. You guys
couldnt rob a sperm bank.
BAD GUY
Who would do that?
JAKE
Doesnt matter. Youre under arrest
stupid.
END OF ACT THREE
(CONTINUED)
-
CONTINUED: 34.
TAG
EXT. CITY HALL - THE NEXT DAY
The entire 99 stands out front of City Hall. A sea of fans
and reporters stands in front of them, just like before.
Jake stands in front of a podium.
JAKE
The robbers were taken into custody
and they
REPORTER
How did you stop them this time
Detective?
JAKE
It wasnt me this time. It was all
of us, together, the entire 99
precinct. You see, its never about
one cop. Its about all of us. We
all work together toward the same
goal. Keeping you and the city
safe. We all deserve the credit,
and no one cop should be made
bigger than the entire force.
The 99 and the crowd gives a round of applause.
GINA
Except me, I totally deserve it.
Amy is admiring her new award.
AMY
I finally got it. Im literally
never going to take it off. Not
even in the shower.
JAKE
(walking by)
Not even in the shower. Amy
Santiago sex tape name.
Holt approaches Jake.
HOLT
Im very proud of you Jake.
JAKE
Dont be too proud. I almost took
credit for the whole thing. I had
this story where you were all tied
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)
-
CONTINUED: 35.
JAKE (contd)up and the bank was burning and I
came in on a jetpack. Some pretty
good stuff.
HOLT
Regardless, theres someone Id
like you to meet. I never told you
this, but Im actually related to
someone who was in "Die Hard".
JAKE
Oh yeah, like an extra or
something?
HOLT
Or something.
Holt waves someone over. Jake turns around to meet REGINALD
VELJOHNSON, the actor who played Sergeant Al Powell in "Die
Hard".
Jake is speechless, motionless.
REGINALD
Hello Jake. Im Reg. Ray told me
your a fan and after he told me
what you did I thought I could...
Jake HUGS Reginald and doesnt let go. Reginald can hardly
breathe.
REGINALD
(stuggling to get the words
out)
Nice to meet you too Jake.
JAKE
Call me...Roy.
REGINALD
I dont wanna do that.
Jake continues to hug Reginald and Holt looks on as we...
FADE OUT.
END OF SHOW.