Brandt Blackbird EnglishSample
Transcript of Brandt Blackbird EnglishSample
BLACKBIRD
by Matthias Brandt
Sample Translation by Ruth Martin
Novel 276 pages
Publication date: August 2019
World rights with Kiepenheuer & Witsch GmbH & Co. KG Iris Brandt ([email protected])
Aleksandra Erakovic ([email protected])
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ONE
âMidAugustâ
Whywasnâtanyoneansweringthephone?
Thebasswaspumpinguphereinmyroom,butIcould
stillheartheconstantringingfromdownstairs.Arustlingand
cracklingcamefrombeneaththecrackedredpatentleatherI
wasloungingon.Therewasalittleholeintheleftâhandseam,
andwheneverIfloppeddownontothebeanbag,afewofthe
littleStyrofoamballsitwasfilledwithwouldshootout.I
moistenedmyfingerwithspit,collectedupafewofthelittle
ballsandflickedthem.Thethirdone(finally!)stucktothe
ceiling.
Aftertheeleventhring,Ijumpedupafterall:itmightbe
Bogicalling.Irandownthestairsand,althoughthephonein
thehallwascloser,wenttotheoneinthelivingroom.Orat
least,whathadbeenourlivingroomuntilrecently.
Itwasnowjustfullofhalfâpackedcardboardboxes.My
fatherandhisnewgirlfriendweremovingtosomelittle
backwaterIwouldnâtwanttobeseendeadin.Itwasnâtquite
thearseâendofnowhere,butyoudefinitelyseethearseâend
fromthere.âMypartner,âheâdsaid,alittlesheepishly,aswe
stoodfacingeachotherinhisroom,andallIcouldthinkwas
thatIwouldnâtusethatwordforsomeoneIwasinlovewith.
NotthatIhadanybettersuggestions.AndwhywouldI?Iwas
fifteenandnotinlovewithanyone.Atleast,notthewaymy
fatherwasinlovewiththisClaudia.
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MymotherandIdidnâtknowwhereweweregoingto
liveyet.
OnthewaytothephoneIpassedthehalfâbaldcockatiel.
âPooâface,âIhissedathim,hopingthateventuallyheâdrepeatit.
Ratherthanjuststaringatmeandrippinghisfeathersout.
Ipickedupthereceiverwithoutsayinganything.
Ineverdid.Afterall,thecallerhadphonedournumber,
sohewastheonewhoneededtoexplainwhohewasandwhat
hewanted.
âErâŠSchnellstieg.â
âWhat?â
âSchnellstieg.MrSchumacher?âsaidthecaller.
âNope,thisisMorten.â
âOh,Isee.Morten.Hello.ThisisâŠDieter.â
âWhat?â
âMrSchnellstieg.DieterSchnellstieg.Manfredâsfather.
Bogi.â
âOh,right,yes.Hello.â
âYes,helloMotte.â
âHello.â
Ithadtakenalittlewhileformetograspthesituation.
Himtoo.
Bogiâsfatherhadcalledme.
Iâdneverspokentohimonthephonebefore.
WheneverIphonedBogi,eitherhewouldbewaitingformycall
andpickuphimself,oritwashisgormlesssisterAnette,orhis
mother.Butneverhisfather.
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BogiwasmybestfriendandhisrealnamewasManfred
Schnellstieg.Butnooneexceptteachersactuallycalledhim
that.Ormaybehisparents,sometimes.
BogihadbeencalledBogieversincethatbreaktimetime
afewyearsagowhenUdoMönchaskedusifweâdseenthefilm
lastnightwithManfredBogart.
âEh?â
âYouknow,thatfilm!âsaidUdo.âWhatwasitcalled
again?Cassaplanka!WithManfredBogart!â
Wepissedourselveslaughing,andthatabsolutemoron
UdoMönchstormedoffinahuff.âAreyoutakingthemick?
WhatkindofnameisthatâHampfree?âheroaredatusashe
left.
Andafterthat,everyonecalledManfredSchnellstieg
Bogi.AnditwasnâtliketherewasanotherManfredinour
school.Hehadhisparentstothankforthat,forgivinghimsuch
agreatname.Seriously,people.Manfred.Really?
Byrights,UdoMönchshouldhavebeengivena
nicknameafterthatlittleepisodeaswell.Andnotaniceone
likeBogi;somethinglikedumbbellorspacecadet.Buttheguy
wassostupidwecouldnâtcomeupwithanythingforhim,not
eventhat.
WhatdidBogiâsfatherwantwithme?Werewein
trouble?HadhefoundtheAmselfelderthatBogihadhiddenin
thegarden?Ourtournamenttripwasscheduledforthat
weekend,andafewdayspreviouslyweâdboughttwobottlesof
redwineinKaiserstotakewithus.TheydidnâtaskforIDinthe
supermarket,eventhoughtheyknewus,andknewthatwe
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weretooyoungtobuyit.Amselfelder,aYugoslavianwine,was
thesecondcheapesttheyhad.Buttheevencheaperwinewas
madeofblackberries,andsomeonehadtoldBogiitgaveyou
theshits,sowedecidedtosteerclearofthatone.
âWonderfullydigestibleâ,thelabelontheAmselfelder
bottlesaid,âpressedwithoutstalksandstemsâ.IfIwashonest,
Icouldnâtimaginewhatwasmeantbydigestible.Itsounded
likeitwasforoldpeople.Also:winemadefromstalks?!
âDigestibleâprobablyjustmeantthatyouâdonlythrowuplater,
ratherthanrightaway.
âThatBlackbirdâfielderhasarealkicktoit.âRecentlyBogihad
startedtranslatingeverythingintoEnglish,andIâdthought:
alright,Bogi,andhowcomeyouknowthat,ifweâregoingtobe
tryingitforthefirsttimeonthetrip?
WhileMrSchnellstiegandIwerespeaking,Iimagined
himstandingathome,bytheoldphoneinthehallway.Twisting
backandforthinhisbeigecorduroyslipperswithsolesthe
pinkishcolourofgums.Icouldprovethegumthingbecause
BogiandIoncetookoneofhisfatherâsslippersintothe
bathroomattheirhousetocompareitwithhisdead
grandmotherâsfalseteeth,whichwerestillsittinginthere.One
minuteIhadaclearimageofBogiâsfatherinmymindâseye,
andthenitwouldgrowhazyagain.Likewhenyoulooked
throughthefrostedglassintheswingdoorsatthe
Schnellstiegsâhousethatseparatedtheporchinsidethefront
doorfromthehallway.Whenyoufirstcameintothehouse,for
amomentitwaslikeeveryoneontheothersideofthosedoors
wasaghost,notarealperson,orasiftheywereshroudedin
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mist.Itwasonlyonceyouhadgoneinthroughthosedoorsthat
theygainedaclearshape,andyoucouldtellthemapart.
âIsthereaproblemwiththefootballtrip?âIasked.
âNo.Now,listenaminute.IâmafraidManfredâer,Bogiâ
hashadtogointohospital.Hewonâtbeabletogo.â
EventheSchnellstiegscalledtheirsonBoginow.
Howcomehewasinhospital?Heâdbeenatschoolthe
daybefore.âSeeyoutomorrow,âweâdsaidtoeachother.And
nowitwasSaturday;weweresupposedtobegoingtothe
footballtournamentthatafternoon.Ididnâtunderstandwhat
wasgoingon.
âAreyoustillthere?âMrSchnellstiegaskedme.
âYes.â
âYes.Theyâve,er,foundsomethingandtheyneedtorun
sometests.Because,ifitâŠWell,thatâswhyheâsinthehospital.
StJosephâs.â
âOh,Isee.StJosephâs,âIrepeated,asifIwassomekind
ofexpertonhospitals.
âAhem,âBogiâsfatherclearedhisthroat.âPetra!Canyou
comehereaminute?âhecalledout.âIâllpassyouoverto
Manfredâsmother,alright?â
âHello,Motte?âNowBogiâsmumwasontheline.Iletout
asob.Oh,great,thishadsettheblubberingoffagain.Itkept
happeningtomerecently,thoughIhadnoideawhy.Justlike
that,pressedwithoutstalksorstems.
âOh,listen,Motte,thereâsreallynoneedtocry.Manfred
wasatthedoctorâsyesterdayafternoonforhisvaccination.And
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theyfoundsomethingthattheythoughtthehospitalshould
takealookat.Butitâsprobablynothing.â
Isniffedloudlyandsaidnothing.NordidMrs
Schnellstieg.Webothjustbreathedintothereceiverfora
while.BogiâsgranddadhadoncetoldusthattheNaziswanted
peopletousegoodGermanwordsandsayâlongâdistanceâ
speakerâratherthantelephone.Andtocallthereceivera
handset.Theyhadissues.
ThensuddenlyBogiâsmumwascryingtoo,althoughjust
fivesecondsbeforeshehadbeentellingmetherewasnothing
tocryabout.Shewascryingveryquietly,butInoticed.When
someonedoesnâtwantotherpeopletoknowtheyârecrying,the
sniffingisthefirstthingyouhear.
Whatnow?Wewerebothweeping,andIstilldidnât
reallyknowwhy.Thedoctorswantedtotakealookathim,
sheâdsaid.Aha.EventuallyIjusthungup.
Iwentbackupstairstomyroom.Everythinghasjust
changed,Ithoughttomyself.No,IhavenoideawhatIwas
actuallythinking.Imightjusthavewonderedwhetheryou
couldstillseetheimpressionofmybumonthebeanbag.
BeforeIclosedthedoor,Ipausedforamoment;Iâd
heardsomethingbehindme.âCoco!â
Thecockatiel.Whatanidiot.Getknotted,Coco.
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TWO
âMidSeptemberâ
Itookthenumberseventeentothestation,thenchangedonto
thefour,gotoffatthemuseum,andfromthereitwasonlya
fiveâminutewalktothehospital.
Forafewdaysalreadyyoucouldtellitwasstartingto
getdarkearlieragain.Itwasaweekuntilmysixteenth
birthday,andthreemonthsuntilChristmas.
IâdarrangedthevisitwithBogiâsmum.Theotherswere
goingtocomelater,tosayhellotoBogi.OthersmeaningWalki
âDetlefWalkenhorstâandJanBorowka.Butwecouldnâtstay
toolong,MrsSchnellstieghadsaid,becausethetreatment
meantthatBogigottiredveryquickly.
Itwasweird.Bogi,withwhomIâdspentalmosteveryday
foryears,haddisappearedfromoneminutetothenext.I
couldnâtactuallyrememberhowweâdbecomefriends.Oneday
hewasjustthere,inmylife,andIwasthereinhis,andfrom
thenonneitheroneofuseverquestionedit.Andnowallofa
suddenIcouldnâttalktohim,andallIgotweretheseweird
messagesfromhismother.ThathewasverypleasedtohearI
hadsentmyregards,thatkindofthing.Sobizarre.
Thelasttimeweâdspoken,beforehewenttohospital,it
hadbeenaboutâŠokay,fine,weweretalkingaboutfarting.
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Aboutlightingfarts,tobeprecise.Bogiknewafairbitaboutthe
subject,inallseriousness.
Forinstance,heknewthatmethanefartsburnedwell,
butcarbondioxidefarts,thekindyougetfromdrinkingtoo
muchCoke,didnât.
Thingslikethat.Wedidnâtknowitwouldbeourlast
properconversationforalongtime.Ifwehad,thenobviously
weâdhavechosenadifferenttopic.Pythagorasâtheorem.The
hypotenuse,thecatheti.Godknows.Butwedidnât.Inanycase,
Bogihadjustreadsomewherethatyoushouldneverlightyour
farts,becausetheremightbeabackdraft,andthenyouâd
explodeorsomething.Heâddoneitafewtimesâthelighting,
nottheexplodingâandnowheâdretrospectivelyscared
himself.Ontheotherhand,hewasinhospitalnowanyway,I
thought.Astupidthought,butyoucanâthelpthethingsthatgo
throughyourmind.
Anyway,itwasoneofBogiâshobbies.Iâmnotmakingthis
up.Helikedtalkingaboutit,andhediditoften.Farting,Imean,
nottalking.Well,talkingtoo,butnotasmuchasheliked
farting.
Okay,thatâsenoughofthatnow.
IhadtocrossKaiserallee,whichwasnâtaneasymatter,
becauseIdidnâtwanttotraipseallthewayuptothepedestrian
lights.Everyonedroveliketheclappersdownhere.Thespeed
madepeoplecrazy.Theybombedthroughthecityat100kman
hourandthoughtthatmadethemthegreatest.
AndtheythoughtthatevenifâIdonâtknowâtheywere
thecaretakerattheBrahmsschool,forinstance,likeMrSchaff.
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Andhedefinitelywasnâtthegreatest,Icouldprovethat.Mr
Schaffhadrecentlyboughtaleatherbeltwithawidebuckle
thatsaidâChef!âonit.Now,thinkaboutthat:youactuallyhave
togointotheshop,seethebeltandthink,wow,greatbelt,and
thengotothesalesgirlandsay:thisistheexactbeltIwant,
thisonewiththeinsanebuckle.ThisisthebuckleIlikebestout
ofthe,Idonâtknow,hundredandsevenothersintheshop.
MuchbetterthantheonesthatsayWarorPeaceorwhatever
else.ButâandlistentothisâSchaffthenwentstraightdownto
hisbasementworkshopandtookhissolderingironorhis
welder,orwhateveritisyouuseforthesethings,andmadea
bigStogoinfrontoftheChef,andthenturnedtheexclamation
markintoasecondf,whichwasonlypartlysuccessful.Sothat
now,ifyoutriedhardenough,youcouldreaditasâSCheffâ.Not
evenâSChaffâ.Thewholethingwaskindofdepressing.Itjust
meantpeoplestaredathisgroin,tryingtofigureoutwhatwas
writtenthere.
ButâimportantquestionâwhyonearthdidIfindthis
embarrassing?Couldanyoneexplainthattome?Schaffhimself
obviouslywasnâtembarrassedbyit;hestrodeproudlyalong
thecorridorsatBrahms,hipsfirst.
Theansweristhatidiotshaveneverfoundanything
embarrassing.Schlagersingersdonât,either,whileweâreonthe
subject.YoucouldonlybecomeaSchlagersingerifyouwerenât
embarrassedbyanything.Thereâsnowayyoucoulddoit
otherwise.LikethedorkswhowentonthatcheesyDieter
ThomasHeckshow,singingfolkâpopnonsenseinfrontofall
thosepeople.Although,ontheotherhand,itwasalsofunny.
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Or,Ithought,DietmarRosinfromthetopyear,for
instance,whogotatattooonaschooltriptoLondon,buthad
gotdrunkwiththetattooistbeforehand.AndnowhehadâLed
Zelepinâonhisrightbicep.Itwasnosurprisethathewasstill
tryingtopasshisfinalyearattheageof21.Walkisaid,
incidentally,thatRosinwasalreadystartingtogobald.Andhe
wasstillatschool!Seriously.
Anyway,theschoolcaretakerKarlâHeinzSchaffmightbe
bombingalonghererightnowinhismouldyFordTaunus,
whileIwastryingtogettotheothersideofKaiserallee.
Andanotherthing:justbeforetheholidays,whenSchaff
andhisnewbeltwerethehottopicforus,ourbiologyteacher
MrsStrobelhadshownusafilmaboutcattlefarminginoneof
herlessons.
âThebeltedGallowayhasunusuallycoarsehairandcan
weighover1000kg,âthefilmâsnarratorsaid.Astheprojector
rattled,MrsStrobelwasconcentratingonhermacraméor
whateverthatstuffiscalled.Sheâdseenthefilmabouta
hundredandthirtyâfourtimesalready.
Andattheexactmomentthenarratorsaidthosewords,
Schaffactuallyappearedinpersonoutsidethewindow,raking
upbigpilesofleavesthatWalki,JanandI,andtheothers,
wouldkickoveronceheâdgone,spreadingtheleavesbackout
towhereSchaffhadrakedthemupfrom.
Thatwaslongbeforehegothismentalleafâblower.
Anyway,wefellaboutlaughinginthisstupidbiologylesson,
andMrsStrobelcouldnâtunderstandwhatwassofunnyabout
thefilm.
12
Whythiscrapcameintomyheadjustthen,whenIwas
tryingtocrosstheroad,isamystery.Itwasamessinthere.I
wasprobablyjustabitworkedupbecauseIwasabouttosee
Bogiforthefirsttimesinceheâdbeenadmittedtohospital,and
Iwastryingtodistractmyself.
Intheend,Ididsomehowmanagetogetacross
Kaiserallee.Therewasalongredâbrickwallseparatingthe
hospitalgroundsfromtheroad.Afterawhile,therewasagate
ontheright.
Ilookedatthemaninthegatehouseandwaitedincase
hewasgoingtoaskmeanything.ToseemyIDorsomething,I
hadnoideahowitallworked.
Butthemanjustnoddedandsaidnothing.
Hisilluminatedboxlookedlikeanaquarium.Mr
Gallenkamp,ourphysicsteacher,hadonethathewasalways
tellingusabout,withornamentalguppiesinit.
Hesaid:âgubbiesâ.
Wealwaysaskedhimaboutthem,becauseaslongashe
wastalkingabouthisfish,hewasnâtteachingus.
IgotaBinphysicsforclassparticipationâalthough,
Godâshonesttruth,Ididnâtunderstandanyofthatshit.Itwas
purelybecauseIkeptaskingafterMrGallenkampâsgubbies.
Iwalkeduptothehospitalâsmainentrance.Thebuilding
waslargeandold,madeofthesameweatherâbeatenbrickas
theboundarywall.
Thelightswerealreadyoninmanyofthewindows,
althoughitwasstillonlyfouroâclockintheafternoon.They
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probablylefttheneontubesondayandnight,sothatnoone
wouldforgettheywereillforasinglesecond.
Therewasanambulanceparkedoutsidetheentrance,
andsomeonewasbeingtakenoutofitonastretcher.
Ididnâtlooktooclosely,notwantingtoseeblood.Four
metallegswithlittlewheelsatthebottomunfoldedfromthe
stretcherwithaloudclank.Icouldnâtimagineitwasagreat
experienceforthepersonlyingonit.
Oneoftheparamedicswaswearingahairnet;hehadto
beaconscientiousobjectoronnationalserviceâaslacker,as
Kragler,ourPEteacher,wouldhavesaid.
FirstandsecondlessonsonaWednesdaywerealways
doublePE.WithOberstudienratHorstKragler.âRightthen,my
friends:physicaljerks!âhewouldroar,andthenweâdhaveto
lineupanddoallthismilitaryshit.Jumpoverobstacles,crawl
underneathotherones.Climbropes,thewholeworks.
âHup,hup,hup,men,donâttellmeyouâretired!âThenwe
hadtothrowthelittleleatherballsasiftheywerehand
grenades.Kraglerdidnâtsaythat,butthatâshowweunderstood
it.
Ifhethoughtyouweretooslow,Kraglergotouthislittle
rednotebookandscribbledsomethinginit.
âSchumacher:unfitforclosecombat,âorwhatever.AndI
didnâtcare,either,tobehonest.
MichaelHabeloncejustaboutmadeittothetopofthe
rope.Hewasâwithoutbeatingaboutthebushâquitefat.And
itwasnâtagoodideatomakehimclimbupthere,althoughhe
didhisbest,ofcourse.Anyway,whenhegottothetophehad
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nostrengthleft,andsliddownfromaheightoffourorfive
metres,rippingalltheskinoffhishandsintheprocess.Helay
atthebottomscreaminglikeastuckpig,youcouldseetheraw
fleshonbothhispalms,thefloorwascoveredinblood,and
theyhadtocallanambulance.MichaelHabelhadalsobroken
hisleg;thepatheticcrashâmathadbeennouseatall.Thebone
wasstickingoutofhisshin,allyellow,nowordofalie.Eventhe
paramedicsâeyespoppedoutwhentheysawHabellyingonthe
floorlikethat.Kraglerstoodthereactingasifhecouldnât
explainhowithadhappened.
AfewweekslaterMichaelHabelwasbackinlessons,
thoughstillwithbandagedhandsandhisleginplaster,looking
evenmoreofadorkthanhehadbefore.Ifheeversaid
anything,itwasonlytotellyouhowmanyplatesandpinshe
nowhadinhisleg.Butwehadnodesiretoknowthedetails.
Someonealwayshadtogowithhimtothetoiletsandtakehis
trousersdown.Seriously.Iâdratherhavejumpedoutthe
window.
Foronce,Kraglerhadprobablygotintotroubleoverit,
andwasquiterestrainedforawhileafterwards,thoughhe
startedmutteringinaudiblethingstohimselfevenmorethan
heusedto.
Wehadhimforgeographyaswell,incidentally.Imade
sureIwasonmapdutywithBogiasoftenaspossible,sothat
weatleastmissedafewminutesatthestartofthelesson.
Healwaysgreeteduswith:âAgoodsoldierisalwaysfive
minutesearly,Schumacher.â
15
âSorry,MrKragler,therewasjustsomuchmessinthe
maproom,âIsaidbeforeweclippedâTheGermanReich:
Bordersasof1938âtothestandsandunrolledthem.Kragler
wasdesperatetogobacktoSilesia,ifIunderstooditcorrectly.
OrhewantedSilesiatocometohim.Ortous,Idonâtknow.
KraglerwantedtogetSilesiaback,withourhelp.Because
Silesiawasprobablyagreatthing.Honestly,Ididnâtevenknow
whereitwas.
ForKragler,Silesiawaswhattheornamentalgubbies
weretoMrGallenkamp.DidKraglerimaginethatallour
daydreaminginclasswasbecausewemissedSilesiasomuch?
Nomatter,Icertainlyhadnodesiretogothere.Andthe
likelihoodofSilesiacomingtomewasalsoprettyslim.And
evenifSilesiaweretoarrivehereatsomepoint,Iâdbelong
gone;IwantedtodisappearofftoBerlinassoonasIcould.
Becauseofbloodymilitaryserviceandeverything.
Theyheldyourballsduringthearmymedicalexam.
Honestly.Ludger,DetlefWalkenhorstâsolderbrother,hadtold
usthat.ThedoctorhadtoldhimtopullhispantsdownââLift
upyourmemberforamoment,ââthenhetookholdofhissack
andorderedhimtocough.WhichLudgerdid,cough,cough.
Andthedoctorwent:âOne,two,allthere.â
Unbelievable.
WalkiandIfelloverlaughingwhenLudgertoldusthat.
Ontheotherhand,maybeitwasnâtallthatsurprising
whenyoulookedatthesearmytypes.Youwouldnâtput
anythingpastthem.UdoMönchâsfatherwasinthearmy,for
instance;hewasanofficerorsomething.Udowasalways
16
tellingpeoplehewasgoingtosignupfortwelveyearswhenhe
finishedschool.Twelveyears!Twelve!Heandafewother
moronshadstartedaclub.Andnowtheywereadvertisingit
everywhere:âBrahmsGymnasiumArmyFanclub!âHowdimdid
youhavetobe?AndUdoMönchwasshittinghimselfthatthe
armywouldnâttakehimbecausehehadScheuermannâs.
Anyway,Iwasstillstandingaroundoutsidethehospital,
andthenationalservicepeopleweretakingsomeoneoutofthe
ambulanceandpushingthemintothebuildingonatrolley.Was
thathowBogiarrivedhere,too?
âWilhelmVerderblichMedicalVehicles,âIreadona
smallplateonthebackoftheambulanceasIpassedit.Great
name.
OnceIwasinsideandstandingthere,lookingaround,a
nurseaskedmewhereIwasgoing,andIsaidtoseeBoâŠ
ManfredSchnellstieg.Shecheckedalistandtoldmetherewas
nooneofthatnamehere.ButthenitturnedoutIwasinthe
emergencydepartmentandhadtogoacrosstothemain
entrancenextdoor.
Okay,anothersecurityguardbehindglass.Ibentdown
totheflapmadeofperforated,yellowingplasticandsaidIwas
heretoseeBoâŠManfredSchnellstieg.Theguardcheckedina
book.Itlookedlikeaclassregister.
âMpfmmpfmmpfmomommpf?âIheardfrominsidethe
cabin.
âExcuseme?â
Mymotherclaimedthatyougotfurtherbysaying
âexcuseme?âthanâHuh?â
17
âMompfmommpfpfmpf.â
Well,itlookedlikethatwasnâtalwaystrue.
SoIstoppedbeingpointlesslypoliteandwentâHuh?â
âMOMPFMMMPFPFPFPFMMOMP!â
Itwashopeless.Ishrugged.
Thentheguardwrotemeanote:3rdfloor,right,ward3b,
andfinallyopenedthespeakingholetopassittome.âThere
yougo.Thirdfloor,righthandside,3b.â
Yes,thatwaswhatheâdwrittendown,buthecouldhave
justopenedthestupidflapandâŠnevermind.
Icouldnowhearexactlywhattheguardwassaying,but
Ididnâtwanttogooverthewholethingagain.Itwouldnâtget
meanywhere.
âThanks,âIsaid,andleft.
Awidestaircaseledtotheupperfloors.Totherightofit
wereasetoflifts,whichordinarilyIwouldhaveused;Iwasnât
crazyabouttheideaoftraipsingupthreefloorsiftherewasa
lift.(Iwasfundamentallyquitelazy).ButsuddenlyIwasafraid
ofgettingstuckinaliftwithsomeonewhowasinjuredand
wouldcauseabloodbathintherelikeMichaelHabeldidthat
timeintheschoolgym.
Itookthestairstwoatatime,eyesfixedstraightahead.
TherewasnowayIwantedtobeoneofthepeopleinhere,I
wasthinkingthewholetime.Andbecauseallthepeoplewho
belongedhereweresoslow,ImovedasfastasIcould.
ThenIwasstandingatthedoortotheward,outof
breathandtryingtocalmmyselfdown.
18
Ialwaysgotabitworkedupaboutthesesituations.And
actuallyitwasridiculoustobemakingsuchafussoverit.After
all,Bogiwastheonestuckinhere,notme.
Theglassdoorwascoveredincomicâbookpictures:
childrenâsward.
Bogiwasayearyoungerthanmeand,whenheâdstill
beenproperlyclever,heâdskippedthesixthyear.Fromthenon,
wewereinthesameclass.Then,alittleoverayearago,when
hewasthirteen,Bogilosthisbrainandcamebacktoschool
afterthesummerholidayswithoutit.Fact.Itprobably
disappearedinthewatersoftheMediterraneanoff
Formentera,justlikethat.Anyway,hisagehadlandedBogi
here,ratherthanontheadultward.
ThebellwasjustaboveDonaldDuckâsbeak.Anurse
cameandopenedthedoor.Shewasquitepretty.
âNurseMerleâsaidabadgeonhertunic.
âIs,er,ManfredSchnellstiegthere?âIknewthatmustbe
thesilliestquestionIcouldask.
âBogi?Heâsingiraffe.â
SotheywerealreadycallinghimBogihere,too.
âEr,sorry?â
âThegirafferoom.Thereareanimalsymbolsonthe
doors.Youâllfindit.â
Andthenshewasgone,onhersqueakingsandals.
Iwalkeddownthecorridorandfoundthecharacterson
thedoors:tortoise,mouse,andatthefarendontheleftthere
wasfinallyagiraffe.
19
ThedoortoBogiâsroomwasclosed.Iknocked
tentatively,putmyeartothecoldwoodandatfirstheard
nothingfrominsideâthen,whenIknockedagain,asoftâyes?â
Hewassittingcrossâleggedonthebed.
HowlongitwassinceIâdlastseenhim.
Bogilookedcompletelychanged.Hehadnâtsuddenlylost
allhishair,orwhateverothershitthetreatmentmightdoto
you.Mymotherhadtoldmeallkindsofthings.Itwasnothing
abouthisappearance.ButâŠHowcanIputit?Itwasasif,even
thoughhehadnâtbeenherethatlong,healreadybelongedhere
andnotinourworldâmyworldâanymore.Ofcourse,I
couldnâtthinklikethat,itwastheoppositeofwhathadbeen
drummedintomebyBogiâsmotherandmine.Theyâdsaidthat
nowwasthetimewhenBogidesperatelyneededtofeellikehe
wasoneofus,etc.Itwasanimportantpartofthehealing
process,theysaid.
Buthowwasthatsupposedtowork,beingoneofus,
whenhewaslyingaroundinterryclothpyjamasalldayinthis
stupidgirafferoom,whilewewerebusyrearrangingourworld
outside?Ofcourse,nooneexplainsthattoyou.
Thenextproblemwasthatallthisshithadbeenmaking
mefeelquiteaggressive.Andunhelpfully,itwascomingout
now,whenIfinallysawBogiagain.Butithadbeenbubbling
awayinsidemeeversinceIwentandsatbackdownonmy
beanbagaftertheinitialshock,whenIcriedonthephone,and
turnedthemusicupevenloudersothatIcouldthinkabout
whatBogiâsparentshadjusttoldme.Iwaswaitingtostart
feelingsad,becauseIthoughtthatâswhatpeopleexpectedof
20
me,butifIwashonest,Iwasonlysadmaybetenpercentofthe
time,andangryfortherest.EvenatBogihimself.Whichwas
idiotic,Iknewthat.Butheneededtostopthisshit,do
somethingaboutit.Getbetter.Thiswasnostatetobein,with
thisdiseasethatsoundedlikeitwasnâtadiseaseatall.Atleast,
notabadone.NonâHodgkinâslymphoma:soundslikenota
disease,right?Itdefinitelywouldâvebeenbetterifitwascalled
Hodgkinâsnonâlymphoma.EspeciallyforBogi.
Butactually,IwasangryathimbecauseIwantedmyold
lifeback,includingBogi.IsimplythoughtIhadenoughcrapto
dealwithasitwas.AndIwasnâttryingtothinkallthisjustat
thatmoment.Butthoughtsdonâtknockandaskforpermission
beforetheycomein.Theyjustappear.
Bogiâsmotherhadexplainedtheillnesstomeindetailâ
itwassomethingtodowithhislymphnodesâandIâdlistened
tomostofwhatshewassaying.Whichwasnotallthateasy,to
behonest.Butthefactthatitwascancerandyoucoulddieof
thatshitâinfact,dyingwasactuallyquitelikelyâwas
somethingsheonlycameoutwithonceIâdaskedherfour
times.
âAlright?âIsaid,grinningatBogi.
Ihadthefeelingittookhimaminutetorecogniseme.
Then,whenwelookedeachotherintheeye,ashudder
wentthroughme,thoughIdidnâtknowwhy.Iwasreallygladto
seehim,andatthesametimeallIwantedtodowasrunaway.I
glancedatthemangyteddybearonBogiâsbed.
Thereareprobablynowordsforthereallyimportant
thingsyoufeel.Atleast,nottherightwords.Youjustalwaysact
21
asifthereare.Becauseyouhavetotalkeverythingintoshape,
sothattheworlddoesnâtstandstillandyoucansomehowcarry
on.
Upuntilalittlewhileago,everythinghadbeeneasierfor
metounderstand.WhenIâdbeenreallyangryaboutsomething,
forinstance,Iwascompletely,onehundredpercentangry,
untilthenextfeelingturnedup.
Andusually,thatfeelinghadbeenthecompleteopposite
ofanger.ThenextminuteIâdbepleasedorinasillymood,no
problem.Sometimesthechangewasquick,andsometimesit
tookabitlonger,butithadalwaysbeenasequence.Andone
day,withoutmynoticing,thesequencehadgoneandallthe
emotionsstartedhappeningatonce.Feelingswerebouncing
aroundinsidemeandIcouldnâtkeepthemapartanylonger.All
ofasuddenIwashappyandsadatthesametime.Ilaughed
myselfstupideventhoughIwassickenedbyeverything.Iâd
falleninlovewithâŠwell,thatâsnooneâsbusinessbutmine,and
Ihatedheratthesametime.AndIdidnâtevenknowwhy.Well,
probablyforthefactthatIwasinlovewithher.Itwasactually
reallystressful,andIcouldnâtbearit,butIâdstoppedtryingto
fenditoffandwaitingforittopass,becauseIguessedthatit
waspointless;Iwasgoingtofeelthiswayforever.
AndsonowIwasstandinghereinBogiâsroom.
Iwentovertohimandwehugged.Butnotproperly;a
bitawkwardly.Weputourarmsaroundeachotherwithoutthe
restofourbodiesjoiningin.IthinkIwasjustafraidofhurting
him,andBogirealisedthat.
âMotte.Alright?âsaidBogi.
22
BogialwayscalledmeMotte.Actually,sodideveryone
else.Thentherewassilence.Wasthatit?Wasthatallwecould
thinkoftosaynowweweretogetheragain?Aswewere
hugging,Ilookedagainovermyleftshoulderatthemangyold
teddythatIrecognisedfromBogiâsroomathome.
ButIâdalwaysthoughtitwasthereasakindofjoke.And
nowIwastakenabacktorealisethatthebearseemedto
genuinelycomfortBogi.HisnamewasLucky.Heâdbelongedto
Bogiâsmotherwhenshewaslittle.
Ireallycouldnâtthinkofanythingelsetosay,soIfinally
said:âBayernwonthreeâtwo.âBogiwasaBayernMunichfan.
Seriously.ItwasageneticthingwiththeSchnellstiegs.He
hadnâtbeenintheworldformorethanafewdaysbeforehe
wasnamedManfred,andhadbecomeamemberoftheCatholic
ChurchandBayernMunich.Andthosewerethreethingsthat
couldtakeyoudownaveryspecificpathinlife,right?Broadly
speaking,whenBogiwasbarelyaweekolditwasalreadyclear
wherehewasheading.
RicardaHummelfromourprimaryschool,forexample,
hadnoarms.Orrather,justlittlestumpswithfingers,andnot
thefulltenfingers,either.Idonâtknowhowmany,Inever
countedthem.Andyes,ofcourse,youcanâtcomparethatwith
beingcalledManfred.AllImeanis:everyonepretendedwe
couldbecomewhateverwewantedifwejustmadeenough
effort.Asifitwasalldowntous.Butthatwasrubbish.
Inanycase,wealwayshadtoactlikeitwasnothing
unusualwhenRicardasatatherdeskwritingwithherfeet.
23
Anditwouldactuallyhavebeenmuchmorenormaljust
totalktoherabouthowshemanagedit.Toaskherhowshegot
herlegupthathighandheldapencilandthings.
Atleastthatwassomethingotherpeoplecouldnâtdo.My
ownwritingwasillegible,andIusedmyhand.Ihadnodesire
toseemyfootwriting.Anyway:no,weweresupposedtoact
likeitwasnormaltowriteanessaywithyourfeet.Bullshit,if
youaskme.
ButwhatIâmtalkingaboutisthis:RicardaHummelâs
mothercouldnâthelpnotknowingthatsheshouldnâthave
takenthosesleepingtablets.ButcallingyoursonManfredwhen
heâsbarelyfilledhisfirstnappy,takinghimofftochurchtobe
baptised,andthensigninghimupforbloodyBayernâallof
thatisentirelydeliberate.
Ididnâtmakethisup;therewasproof.Therewere
photosofBogiasababywearingalittleredandwhitecapin
theSchnellstiegsâhall.Youjusthadtohopethathedidnât
simplyresignhimselftohisfate.Otherwise,hisparentswere
reallyniceâIdonâtwanttogivethewrongimpressionhere.
Anyway,Bogicouldalwaysgotothetownhallwhenhe
wasolderandgethisnamechanged.Iâdreaditinthepaper.I
meaneveryonecould,notjustBogi.Icould,too,ifIdidnâtwant
tobecalledMortenanymorebut,say,Ludolf.So,people,letâs
hearitforLudolfSchumacherondrums!Bogididnâthaveto
stayaManfredforever.Although,ifyouâdlethimchoosehis
ownname,heprobablywouldhavecomeupwithsomething
evenworse.Bogiwasnâtexactlyaparagonofgoodtaste.At
least,thatâswhatmymotheroncesaidwhenmyparentsinvited
24
himouttodinnerwithus,andhegotdressedupforthe
occasion,i.e.turnedupinhisparachuteâsilktracksuit.The
longerIthoughtaboutthenameâchangingbusiness,themoreI
thought:bestjusttoleaveeverythingasitwas.
So,BogiandIweresittingonthiscrappyhospitalbed
andrealisingthatwedidnâtreallyknowwhattosaytoeach
other.Itwasprettysad.
âYeah,yeah.Threeâtwo.Notbad,huh?Myfatheralways
bringsthelatestcopyofKickerwithhimnow,âBogisaid
eventually.
âOh,really?â
Wefellsilentagain,havinghitadeadend.
âSo,howareyoudoing?âIsaid.Itwasthestupid
questionIreallydidnâtwanttoask.Iâdsworntomyselfearlier
thatIwouldnât.Howwashesupposedtoanswerthat?â
ButthenBogisaid:âOh,nottoobad.TheysayIâll
probablybeoutofherebyChristmas.â
âReally?Thatâsgreat!â
Inthepausethatfollowed,Ilookedoutofthewindowat
thetreethatreachedallthewayuphere,andevenuptothe
nextfloor.Abeechoranoak,Idonâtknow,somethinglikethat,
Icanâttellthesethingsapart.Therewasablackbirdhopping
aboutinthebranches,awrithingwormhangingoutofitsbeak.
Itprobablyhaditsnestuphere.Although,itwasautumn;did
theyneednestsatthistimeofyear?Ontheotherhand,birds
stillhavetosleepsomewhereinautumn.WhatdoIknow?For
amoment,Ithoughttheblackbirdwaslookinginatmethrough
thewindow.
25
âWhatâsEicheinEnglish?â
âOak,âsaidBogi.
âAndAmsel?â
âBlackbird.â
âNoway,really?Likethesong?âIasked.
âMmhmm.â
Thentherewassilenceagain.
Iwasdisgustedwithmyself:itshouldhavebeenmyjob
tomakethiseasierforbothofusbykeepingtheconversation
going;itcertainlywasnâtBogiâs.Butrecentlymyproblem,or
rather,oneofmyproblems,wasthatwhilemoreandmore
wordsandthoughtsaccumulatedinmyhead,fewerandfewer
ofthemendedupcomingoutascomprehensiblesentences.It
waslikethefilmweâdwatchedingeographyattheendofterm
ânotthebeltedGallowayfilm,theotherone.Thekindofstuff
wealwayshadtowatchwhentheteachersjustneededtokeep
usoccupiedforafinalfewhours.Attheendoftheschoolyear,
alltheydidwascarrytheSuperâ8projectorfromone
classroomtoanother,tobehonest.
Anyway,Imeanthefilmwheretheycutallthetrees
downandthrewthemintheriver,sotheyâdfloatdowntothe
sawmill.âHowisPaperMade?âIthinkitwascalled.But
eventuallytheprocessstoppedworking,thereweresomany
treesthattheyblockeduptheriver,andthentherewasahuge
floodandallkindsofothercrap.Notasingletreemadeittothe
sawmill,untilsomecleverDickfromthecityturnedupwith
tonsofdynamiteandgotitallmovingagain.
26
Thatriverwaswhatmybrainlookedlikenow.Except
thattherewasnâtaguywithexplosivesanywhereinsight.
Luckily,therewasaknockonthedoorjustthen,and
Walkistuckhisheadintotheroom.Hishaircameinfirst,and
thentherestofhim.
IthinkthestyleiscalledanAfro.ButAfroiskindofa
stupidnameforitwhensomeonehasredcurlsandis
otherwiseaswhiteascreamcheese,apartfromhisfreckles.
Someonecalledhimchalkâfaceonce,whichwasnâtveryniceof
them.Walkihadgrownfreakishlyfastinthelastyearandwas
nearlyonemetreninetytall.Healwaysduckedwhenhewalked
throughadoornow(thoughthatwasoverplayingitabit).
âHey,retard!Hehheh,thereâsBogi,thespazâhanging
outinhospital!â
ThatwasnâtWalkiâsvoice;itwasJanBorowka,calling
outfrombehindhim.WalkiâsgrowthspurtmeantthatJanwas
nowaheadshorterthanhim,andyoucouldnâtseehimbehind
Walki.ThepairofthemcameinandgaveBogitheirhands.
Theyâredoingitright,Ithought.Thehandshakebusinesswas
kindofweird,butatleastitwasarealthing.Iâdhavetostart
doingittoo.Janalsolikedtorapthreetimesonthetablewith
hisknucklesashepassed,buttomethatfeltliketoomuch.
âBoginski,myfriend,âsaidJan,andlookedBogistraight
intheeyeashetookhishand.
Jan,asIsaid,wasquitealotshorterthanWalkiandme.
Therecouldbenotalkofagrowthspurtwherehewas
concerned.Atleast,notsofar.Althoughitdidnâtseemvery
27
likelythatanythingfundamentalwasgoingtochangethere.It
wasjustafeeling.
Forawhile,Janhadbeentryingtomakeupforitâby
smokingrollieslikeachimney,forinstanceâthoughthe
smokingdidnothingtoincreasehisheight.Heâdgothimselfa
pairofcowboybootswiththeseslopinghighheelsandwalked
aroundinthemlikehehadfourballs,nottwo.Thatâsjustwhat
itlookedlike,donâtblamemefortheimage.And,asIsaid,heâd
startedgreetingeveryonewithalong,firmhandshakewhile
staringintotheireyes.Stufflikethat.But,well,ifitmadethe
centimetreshelackedeasiertobear,itdidnâtmattertome.Jan
wasbasicallyareallygoodguyâIdonâtwantyoutothinkIâm
justslagginghimoffhere.Andhewasprettymuscly:hehad
properbiceps,andpecsaswell,rockâhardridgesandbulges.
WalkiandIwerenothingbutskinandbone.
Wenevertalkedaboutwhatourparentsdid.Theirjobs,I
mean.Youkindofhadthesensethatmostpeopleinourcity
workedinsomeofficeorother,butIhadnoideawhattheydid
there,andnoneofuseverseriouslythoughtaboutasking.The
oldsjustwerenâtinterestingenoughforthat.Ithoughtmy
parentsweretherichest,butitwasneveranissue.Janâs
parentswerethepoorest,anyway,thatmuchwascertain.
WhenIwasyounger,Iwouldneverinmylifehavegonetothe
estatehelivedon.Theywerenâtreallyproperhouses,they
weremorelikecabinsthatsomeonehadtriedhardtomake
lookabitlessshabby.Theyâdbeenpaintedinbrightcolours
andstuff,Imean,butthatwasalongtimeago,andnowthey
lookedevenmoredepressingthaniftheyâdjustbeenleftas
28
theywerebefore.Ifyoupaintaturdincheerfulcolours,itâsstill
aturd,right?Somethinglikethat.
ThefirsttimeIwenttovisitJan,hismotherhadbrought
uscheeseâspreadsandwichesandheâdimmediatelyhadagoat
her,tellinghertogetlost.Irememberbeingshocked,because
shewasjusttryingtobeniceandIwasnâtusedtohearing
thingslikethatfromJan.Hekindoftreatedherlikeananimal.
Aworkinganimal,Imean,notapet;peoplewereusuallyniceto
pets.AndlaterJanâsfathergothome,butallhedidwasglance
inthroughthedoor,andIthinkheâdwantedtogiveJana
tellingâoffaboutsomethingâhelookedprettyangry,atanyrate
âbutwhenhesawmesittingthere,heturnedaroundwithout
sayinganything.Janhadgonecompletelysilentwhenheheard
hisfathercomingthroughthefrontdoor.Honestly,Iwasglad
whenIleftthebuilding.Janâsmotherwavedmeoff,andwhenI
sawherloving,tiredface,IwasashamedthatIâdbeen
disgustedbythesmellintheflatandcouldonlybreathe
properlyagainonceIwasbackoutside.
Inowsawthattherewassomethingstucktothebackof
Bogiâslefthand.Itlookedlikethebarrelofaclearplasticbiro,
withapieceofwhitetapestuckoverit.
âWhatâsthatthingonyourhand?âIasked.
âItâsacannula,âsaidBogi.âThetubetheyputdrugsand
stuffin.âHestartedtopickatthetape,andIcouldseethelittle
tubemoving;youcouldpullitupwiththeskinandâohmyGod
âthatthingwasstickingintoBogi!Ilookedawayquickly,not
wantingBogitoseethatIwasabouttokeelover.Iwasnâta
massivefanofinjectionsandbloodandthings.Cannula.Uhuh.
29
Didnâtexactlysoundreassuring.Bogiactedlikeitwasnothing,
althoughhealsomusthavenoticedthatIfeltlikepukingina
corner.Iâmprettysure.
âSo,whatarethenurseslike?Gettinganyaction?Heh,
heh,âsaidJan,slappinghisfistintothepalmofhisrighthand.
WalkiandIrolledoureyes.
Yes,Jan,thatwasexactlyhowourBogiwaspassingthe
timeinhere:shaggingthenurses,whowereallqueuing
impatientlyoutsidehisgirafferoom.Andafterwardstheyâd
pumpstuffintohisveinsthatwouldlatermakehishairfallout.
ButBogiactuallylaughedatthenursething,andchatted
awhilelongertoJanaboutthefoodinhereandwhatelsehe
didallday.NormalquestionsthatBogienjoyed,itseemed.
Morethanheâdenjoyedmylameummingandahhingbefore,at
anyrate.IwonderedwhyIcouldnâtmanagetohaveanormal
conversationwithmybestfriend,whowasnâtdoingtoowell
andwhomightjustwanttobedistractedforalittlewhile.
JanandWalki(whountilthispointhadsattherelooking
quitecontentbutsayingnothing)hadjustbeentofootball
practiceandhadtheirsportsbagsandaballwiththem.Itwas
theWorldCupballthatJanhadgotforhisbirthday,much
betterthantheonesatschool.Walkihadbeeninaweirdly
goodmoodallthetimelately,andIwonderedifthatmight
havesomethingtodowiththefactthathewasalwayshanging
aroundwithNeanderthalKlausandtheotherstonersdownby
thebikeracksatbreaktime.
âShallweallgooutsideforabitandhaveakickâ
around?âWalkinowasked,grinning.Walkiwastryingtogrow
30
abeard,butthefewpatchesofredfluffonhischinlookedlike
pubesthathadmigratedupwards.
Whatkindofstupidideawasthat?Howthehellwas
Bogisupposedtogooutandplayfootballinhispyjamas,with
thatweirdtubeinhishand?Hewouldnâtevenmakeitdown
thestairs,Ithought.ThoughobviouslyIdidnâtsayso.
âNah,Icanât.Igettiredprettyquicklyatthemoment,â
saidBogi,withabitofagrin,asifhewasembarrassedbythe
fact.Andinsteadofcomfortingorprotectinghim,Ijuststood
therestaring,gawpingathisillnessandfeelingstupid,
incapableofdoinganythingelse.Thefourofuswereallas
awkwardaseachother,andeventuallypoorBogihadto
resolvethesituation.
âMaybeyoucouldgooutandhaveagame,andIcould
watchyoufromuphere.Thatâsalmostlikeplayingmyself.â
Wethreeidiotsbroodedoverthissuggestionforanother
thirtyseconds.ThenWalkisaid:âYes,alright,excellentidea.â
Hewasjustgladtobeabletogetoutofthereanddosomething
hewasgoodat.Jan,whomostofthetimedidwhateverWalki
did,wasreadyinaninstant,theballinhisrighthandandhis
sportsbaginhisleft.
âOkay,hastalavistathenâandchinup,Boginski.â
âWecancomebackupafterwardsandsaygoodbye.âI
wasnâtparticularlygoodatfarewells.
âNo,donâtworryaboutthat,itâllbedinnertimethen
anyway.âWashegladtogetridofus?Ontheotherhand,you
couldnâtblamehimifhewas.
âSeeyou,Bogi,âsaidWalki.
31
Anotherhandshake,ofBogiâsrighthand,theonewithout
thecannula.
âIâllwatchyoufromthewindowinthecorridoruphere,â
saidBogi.
Iwentoverandhuggedhimtentativelyagain.
Felthisribs.Heâdalwaysbeenthatthinthough,hadnât
he?
âSeeyousoon,Bogi,yeah?Nextweek,âIsaid.
âOkay,seeyousoon.â
Iwaved,thinkingthatIneededtodoabetterjobofthis
visitingthingnexttime.
Then,aswewereonourwayoutofthedoor,IsawBogi
liedown.Wewalkeddownthestairsinsilence.Ithought,
âBogiâŠââandthenIfeltsomethingIhadnowordsfor,which
hurtalot,firstundermytongue,andthenonmyleftside,right
undermyribs.Somethingthattastedbitterandlitup
dazzlinglyforamoment,asifIâdswallowedtheflickeringneon
lightweâdjustpassed.ThenIshookthethoughtoutofmyhead
withajolt,asIwouldifIâdgotwaterinmyearattheswimming
pool.Tobeonthesafeside,Itriednottothinkofanythingatall
forawhileâand,byconcentratingforonce,Iactuallymanaged
it.
AndwhenwegotdownstairsandIreadmittedthe
thoughtsthathadbeenbuzzingaroundmyheadlike
shimmeringbluefliesaroundacowpat,IthoughtthatBogiwas
definitelygoingtogetbetter.
Itwasalreadystartingtogetdarkoutside.
32
WewenttoapatchofgrassthatBogicouldseefrom
upstairs,andstoodasclosetothestreetlightsaswecould.Bogi
watchedus,intheneonlight.MyBogi,whohadboughtthe
Yugoâboozejustafewweeksbefore.Digestible,pressed
withoutstalksandstems.
Thenwemessedabout,playingkeepyâuppyandtwoâonâ
oneandstuff,andfeltkindofsillyputtingonsuchashowin
frontofallthesesickpeople,butsomehowitwasalsofunny
andarelieftowearourselvesout.Bogistoodatthewindow,
notmoving.
Wewavedtohimagainbeforeweleft,andhewaved
back.Wewalkedoutofthegate.Therewasadifferentguard
therenow.JanhadbroughtaCappyjuiceandwetookturns
swiggingthesweet,flavourlessstuffoutoftheplasticcarton.I
tookadragonthecigarettethatJanhadrolled,whichmademe
coughsomuchInearlythrewupinthegutter.Wedidnâtreally
knowwhattosayaboutthewholething.
âWhatâsthediseasecalledagain?âJanaskedme.
âNonâHodgkinâslymphoma.â
Heconsideredthisforawhileandthensaid:âFunny
name.Imean,youdonâtsayâIdonâtknowânonâpoodledog;
yousayterrier.â
WeshookhandsandIgotonthenumberfour.Walkiset
offtowardsNeubergonfootbecauseheâdforgottenhismonthly
ticketandhadbeencaughtwithoutittwicealready,andJan,
whohadtogonorth,waitedforthetwentyâtwo.
OnthebusIthoughtabouthowlongBogiandIhadbeen
friends.Probablysincethedaywhenâatprimaryschool,we
33
werealwaysallowedtodressuponFatThursdayâhecameup
tomeintheplaygroundwearingredpyjamaswithgoldstripes
acrossthechest,andayellowwoollyhatwithgreenwashingâ
upspongessewnontoit.Iaskedhimwhathiscarnivalcostume
wassupposedtobe,andhesaid:âaleakingbattery.â
34
THREE
âLateSeptemberâ
IdidnâtknowhernamewasJacquelineSchmiedebachuntilJan
toldme.Wewerestandingoutsideschool,andsherodepastus
onherDutchbicycle.Shelookedoveratusjustforasecond,
andsmiled.Ormaybeevenlaughed.Andthenpretendeditwas
becauseofsomethingelse,andnothingtodowithus.Ihada
tinglingfeelingeverywhere,andthenthetinglinghadaname.
Whensheturnedthecorner,Jan,whohadbeenstanding
besidemesmoking,lookedafterherandmuttered:âJacqueline.
Foxy.â
Andabitlater,whenIwasstillstaringatthestreet
cornerroundwhichshehadlongsincedisappeared:
âJacquelineSchmiedebach.ShegoestoEinstein.10c.Shelives
overtheriver.BuchbergorKiesheim.Sheâsthebomb.â
Ijuststoodthere.
âWhat?âJanaskedme.
âWhatdoyoumean,what?â
âGoafterher.â
âAreyouinsane?â
âGoafterher,youspaz.â
âWhatgoodwouldthatâŠcomeon,Idonâtevenknow
her,âIsaid,andJanreplied:âExactly.Thatâswhy.â
35
Ijumpedonmybike,followedherasfarastheferry,and
watchedhergo.Herstrawâblondehairblewinthewindallthe
way;itshonesobrightlythatIcouldstillseeJacquelineriding
offonthefarbank,wheneveryoneelsewhohadbeenonthe
ferryhadbecomesmall,indistinguishablepinâheads.Myfirst
thoughthadnotbeenhowbeautifulshewas,buthowupright
shehadbeensittingonherbike.ThatwastheveryfirstthingI
noticed.Howboltuprightshewassittingonherbikeasshe
whiskedpastmeandJan.
TherewasthiswordthathadcomeupinaGermanclass
recently:Anmut.Itmeansgrace,elegance,beauty,andFrau
Standfusshadtriedtoexplainittous,butIcouldnâtreally
pictureit.Ialsothoughtitsoundedstupid.LikeAlmutâand
AlmutGerhardtswasthedorkiestgirlinourclass,ifnotthe
wholeschool.Soitwasdifficulttoconnectawordthat
remindedmeofthatidiottosomethingbeautiful.Butnow,as
Jacquelinerodepast,IhadsomeideaofwhatAnmutmight
mean.Orrather,whatitsmeaningmightfeellike.
Overthenextfewdays,Itriedtomakeourpathscross
seeminglybychance.First,Iwantedtofindoutwhattimeshe
tooktheferry.Ihungaroundthejettyforhours,butneversaw
her.Shelivedontheothersideoftheriver,Iknewthatalready,
andwenttoschoolonourside,totheEinsteinscience
academy,whichwasinthesameareaasmyschool.
Iwouldhavetotalktoher,togooutwithher,thatmuch
hadbeenclearfromthemomentIfirstsawher.
âMomentââthatwasanotherofthosewordsthatIfeltI
reallyunderstoodonlynow.Asin:momentous.Iwouldhaveto
36
bepatient;Iâdprobablyhavetowaitatthejettyagoodfew
timesbeforeIsawheragain.Butforthefirsttimeinmylife,
waitingwasnotthesameasbeingbored.Allatonceitwas
goodtowait,andInowwouldnâtswapthiswaitingforanything
intheworld.Ispentseveralafternoonsstandingatthejetty
wheretheferrydocked,watchingallkindsofpeople.Jacqueline
Schmiedebachwasnotamongthem.Thereweresomeodd
characters.Usually,whenyoujustspentafewminutesdown
therewaitingforthenextferry,youdidnâtnoticethem.Theguy
withthebriefcase,forinstance,hadbeenlookingoveratmefor
quiteawhile.Noideawhathewantedwithme.Funnyhaircut.
Lookedlikeamopedhelmet,butmadeoutofhair.Hereminded
meofoneoftheoldteachersatBrahms,MrSeegler;Ialways
hadthefeelingthatheâdbeenateacherevenbeforetheBrahms
schoolexisted,whenthewholeareawasstillmeadowsgrazed
byaurochsandbison.Andeventhen,Iwassurethatfivedaysa
weekhewouldhavetaughtvoluntarypreâschoolclassesin
ancientGreekataquarterpastseveninthemorning.Tosome
kindofgiantlizardsorsomething.Withabicycleclipalways
stillattachedtotherightlegofhisgreysuittrousers.Thatâsthe
kindofthingyouimaginedhimdoing.Andintheend,oncethe
iceâagemadeittoocoldinthemeadows,theybuiltBrahms
aroundMrSeegler.Andoncethemonitorlizardsthathadbeen
learningancientGreekfromhimhadwaddledsouthinsearch
ofabetterclimate,theywerereplacedwithhumanstudents.
ThatwaskindofhowIimaginedit.Anyway,MrSeeglerhad
beenthereareallylongtime,thatmuchwascertain.
37
GodknowswhereIwouldendupifIdidnâtlearnto
concentrate.Thatwaswhateveryonesaidtome.
Iwastryingtoworkoutwhattheferryguyâshairâhat
remindedmeof,andthenitstruckme:BogiâslittlesisterAnette
hadthesePlaymobilfiguresthatyoucouldtakethehairofflike
ahelmet,andthenputitbackon.Hehadbeenstaringatmefor
awhile,andthenhenoddedandcameover.Oh,forGodâssake.I
lookedawayatonce,atanythingbuthim,butitdidnâthelp.The
guywasheadingstraightforme.Briefcase,helmethair,socks
andsandals.
âHellothere,myfriend,âhesaid.Ididnâtrespond.
âAfternoonoff,itis?Whatattractionsmighttherebearound
here?Flirtingwiththeyoungladies?Petra,Babsi,Susi?â
Whatwashetalkingabout?
Herockedbackandforthonhissandalsforawhile,
lookingoutatthewater.Andthenhesaid:âDoyouwantto
earn50Marks?â
âEh?â
âComebackthereinthebusheswithmeandIâlltossyou
off.â
Hespokeastrangedialect,fromHessenorsomewhere.
LikeHeinzSchenk,theguyonTV.Hedidnâtsayâtossâ,hesaid
âtoash.âAndâfeftyMaarkshâ.
âAhâlltoashyeroaff.â
IwonderedforamomentwhetherIâdreallyheardthat,
orwhetherIwasstillimaginingthingsandthisbelongedinthe
samebracketastheaurochsandthemonitorlizardsandtheice
age.
38
Thehelmetâhairmangrinnedatme,andIdecidedthe
bestplanwastogetoutofthere.ThenIrodeoffalongthe
riversideroadasfastasIcould.Ididnâtlookback,forfearthat
theguymightberunningafterme.Ihadnoideawhatelse
someonewhomadeanofferlikethatmightbecapableof.
WhenIwassureIwasfarenoughaway,Istopped.
Sawhimstillstandingthere,gazingafterme.
Andjustthen,theferrythatJacquelineSchmiedebach
mightbeonsetofffromtheotherside.ThatmeantIhadtoget
closertothejettyagainasquicklyasIcould.Butaslongasthat
bastardwasstillstaringinmydirection,Icouldnâtjustturn
aroundandrideback.HemightthinkIwascomingbacktohim.
SoIgotoff,liftedmybikeontomyshoulderandranupthe
embankmentwithit,sothatIcouldridebackunseenalongthe
toppromenade.However,Ihadunderestimatedhowsteepthe
slopewas,andhowheavymybikewas,sothatwhenIwas
nearlyatthetop,Ifirstsloweddownandthenfellovertwicein
slowmotion.AlthoughIâmnotsureiffallingoveristheright
expressionforwhathappenedtome.Becauseoftheslope,the
embankmenthitmefullintheface.Anothernewexperience.
Iamthestraightlineandthehillisthevector,Ithought
asItoppledover.Ortheotherwayaround.Myhandsandknees
lookedamessafterwards.ThankGodnooneheardmegasping
andwheezing.Allofwhichprovidedtheperfectconditionsfor
talkingtoJacquelineSchmiedebachandaskingifshewantedto
gooutwithmesometime.
WhenIfinallygottothetop,Ijumpedonmybikeand
racedbacktowardsthejetty.Theferrywasalmostthere.Iran
39
downthebroadstonestaircase,mybikebouncingdownthe
stepsatmyside,dongdongdong.AndwhenIgottothebottom,
IcouldseeJacquelinecominguptheramp.Sheroderightpast
meandlookedmestraightintheeye.Imusthavelookeda
properfoolaftereverythingthathadjusthappened.She
frownedforasplitsecond,butthenlaughedandrodeon.Iâm
sureIhadgonebrightred,butattheendoftheday,atleastshe
laughedanddidnâtturnawayindisgust.
WhenItookanotherquicklookaround,theguywiththe
ridiculoustoupeewasstillstandingthere,grinning.Hewasnât
waitingfortheferryatall;hewasjuststandingaroundwaiting
forsapslikemetocomealongsohecouldchatthemup.Andof
course,thatmeantthatIwasgoingtoseehimatthejettynow
everyafternoonwhileIwaswaitingforJacqueline
Schmiedebach.AndhemightthinkIwastherebecauseofhim.
Ileaptontomybikeandrodeafterher,notcaringhow
awfulIlooked,sweaty,dirtyandbrightredintheface.Andit
didnâtmatternow,anyway.Jacquelinewasridingdownthe
avenuetowardsthecitycentre.Shehadasportsbaginher
basketwithatennisracketstickingoutofit.Whenshestopped
atatrafficlight,Iremainedasafedistanceaway.Butthenext
timeIdecidedIdidnâtcare:Ipulledupalongsideher,and
lookedtheotherway.
Thatwasnâteasy.Whenthelightturnedgreen,shewent
straightonâIwassureshehadlookedatmeagainforasecond
whenitwasonamber.IpretendedIwasgoingtoturnright,but
whenshewasalittlewayahead,Istartedfollowingheragain.
SheturnedoffattheparkwheretheTHCtenniscourtswere.
40
Later,IsecretlywatchedherplayuntilIhadtoleavefor
amathscatchâuplesson.Iwasalreadyreallylate.Myheartwas
pounding.Imean,okay,itdidthatallthetime.ButnowIwas
noticingit.Thatwasthedifference.Thepoundingofmyheart
waslouderthantheploppingofthetennisballsthatJacqueline
Schmiedebachwasnowchasingacrossthecindercourt.Iknew
exactlywhatitlookedlikewhenshepickedthemup,without
havingtoturnroundonce.
41
FOUR
âLateSeptemberâ
Intheevening,Isuddenlyfoundmyselfstandingoppositemy
fatherinthelivingroom;weâdjusthappenedacrosseachother
there.Idonâtknowifweâdeveractuallyrunintoeachother
deliberately.
Wehadfrozenonthespotassoonaswemet,asifweâd
beenstapledtotheflooratthatmoment.
Iâdseenhimstandingatthewindowjustbeforethat,
lookingoutatthebushes.Thesettingsunreflectedonhisbald
head,makingitlookevenchubbierthanusual.Thebaldhead,
notthesun.Maybehewasthinkingaboutwhatplantstodigup
andreplantinhisnewgardeninthetundra.AlthoughI
honestlydidnâtknowwhethertherewasevenagardenthere.
HewouldnâthavenoticedmeifIhadjusttakenanapple
fromthebowlwhilehisbackwasturnedandthenslippedout
againquietly.ButIthoughtitwasoddnottosayhellotohim,at
least.ItlookedlikethefactIwasstandingbehindhimhadgiven
himafright.Ridiculous.Ididlivehere,afterall.Well,whatever;
inanycasewewerenowstandingaroundinthelivingroom.
Ifweweregoingtosnapoutofthisfreezeâframethen
oneofuswouldhavetomakeadecision,makeamove,
somehowapproachtheother.Butthatwasneithermystrength
42
normyfatherâs.Especiallynotnow,wheneverythingwas
fallingaparthere.
Oneoptionmighthavebeentositdownonthesofa.Or
tosimplywalkoutoftheroomagainaftersayinghelloand
leavehimstandingthere.Heseemedtolikeitinhere,standing
aloneatthewindow.Butwehadgonetoofardownadeadâend
road.Allbecauseofthestupidapple.
Thetelevisionwason.
Myfatherhadbeengivingitanoccasionalsideways
glancefromwherehestoodatthewindow.Youâdprobablycall
itmorose.Theglassinhislefthandcontainedthatyellowliquid
thatsmelledofliquoricebutdidnâttastelikeit.Iâveforgotten
thename,pardonorsomethinglikethat.Heoncetoldmehe
wasaâFrancophileâ,butonceagainIâdforgottenexactlywhat
thatmeant.SomethingtodowithFranceandalcohol,anyway.
Acoupleoficecubes,almostmelteddowntonothing,
clinkedintheglass.
Weâdbeenavoidingeachotherforthelastfewweeks,so
itwasonlythenthatIrealisedImusthavegrownquiteabit.I
wasnoweasilyhalfaheadtallerthanhim.Hehadundonethe
topthreebuttonsofhisshirt,therewasafuzzofgreychesthair
pokingout,andIsawthatheâdstartedwearingachain.Crazy.I
myselfhadbeenwonderingrecentlyifitwouldbeagoodidea
togetachainlikethat,achainorabracelet,Ihadthought,or
maybeboth,butthisputastoptothatideaaltogether.
Finally,hebrokethesilence:âIâmsureyourmotherhas
explainedeverythingtoyouââ
43
Explained?Whatexactly?Wasitafullstoporaquestion
markIâdheardthere?
Whatmyfatherhadjustsaidimmediatelysoakedinto
thecarpetormaybejustremainedhangingsomewhereinthe
air,whichmeantthatIdidnâtknowifhewasexpectingan
answerfromme.Ifindoubt,betterkeepquiet.Pleasejustdonât
givemeatalk,Ithought.Ididnâtneedthat,Ireallydidnât,
everythingwasfineasitwas.Myparentscouldjustarrange
thingshowevertheythoughtbest.Ornot.Themainthingwas
thattheyleftmeoutofit.
Myfatherâswordshadnowbeenhangingintheairforso
longthathemusthavestoppedexpectingananswerfromme.
Right,sonowwewerejuststandingtherewordlesslyagain.
Heâdbeensackedbyhiscompanyawhilebefore,andIâd
wonderedhowitwaspossibletogetthrownoutofacompany
thatyouweresupposedlythebossof.Thatwasalwayswhatit
soundedlike,anyway,whenhetalkedaboutâhiscompanyâ.
Untilnow,Iâdthoughtbeingthebossmeantyouweretheone
whothrewotherpeopleout.
Afterthat,mymotherandhemusthavethoughttheyâd
justdealwitheverythingelseinonego,getdivorced,splitup
thefamilyandeverything.Orwhatwasleftofit.
Iwouldhavelikedtoletmyfatherknowthatnoneof
thisreallymatteredtome.Thebusinesswithhimandmy
mother,andthefactthathewasmovingoutandgoingtolive
withhisâpartnerâ.AndIdidnâtmindthathedidnâtknowwhat
tosaytome,either.Ifanyoneunderstoodthat,itwasme.Okay,
perhapsthiswasnâtthemomenttoexplainthat.Butpurelyso
44
thatwecouldmoveon,Iliedandsaid:âYes,shedid.She,err,
explainedeverything.âMyfathernodded.SodidI.Alongnod
frombothofus.Thennothingforawhile.Thenanothervery
longnodfromhim.
âHmmm,âhemurmured,approvingly.
Silence.Theonlythingchatteringawaythiswholetime
hadbeenthenewsreader.Apartfromthecockatiel,who
screechedâCoco!âtwiceâsurprise,surprise.
Andthenmyfatherstartedtolaugh.Orwhatpassedfor
laughingwithhim.First,hiseyesnarrowedtotwosmallslits.
Fromtheircorners,deepfurrowsfannedoutacrosshisface,a
fewupwardstowardshisforehead,otherssidewaystohisears,
andsomedownacrosshischeeks.Icouldnâtimagineever
gettingasoldandleatheryashewas.Hismouthslightlyopen,
foralongtimehemadenonoise,andIthought,Ihopehe
doesnâtchokeandkeeloverrightinfrontofme.Butaftera
whileIheardagasp,whichwaslikethenoiseourdoghad
madethewinterbeforehedied,whenhehadbronchitisandwe
wereconstantlytakinghimtothevet.
Andonlythendidmyfatherdosomethingthatactually
soundedlikelaughing.Althoughbackwards,asifheâdturned
thesyllablesaround.HedidnâtgoâHa,ha,ha,ha,ha,âbutâAh,
ah,ah,ah,ah.âBecausehewasbreathingin,notout.Itwaslike
heâdsomehowmisunderstoodtheprinciple.Althoughlaughing
isnâtsomethingyouhavetolearn;thathappensbyitself,
doesnâtit?Itdidforme,inanycase.Finallymyfatherwentfirst
red,thenpurpleintheface.Nowonder.Youcanâtmanage
withoutbreathingaltogether.Thelaughterturnedintoa
45
coughingfit,andhelefttheroomwithoutlookingatmeagain.
Hiscoughingandwheezingreceded,butIcouldstillhearit
evenafterheâddisappearedintohisbedroomatthetopofthe
stairs.
Thentherewassilence.Myfatherhadprobablyhadto
lightafagtogetovertheshockofencounteringhissoninthe
livingroom.Right,then.Sothathadbeenthetalkaboutthe
approachingchangeinourlives.
Okay,tostartwiththerewasnâtmuchtoobjecttoabout
achangeinourlives.Ifwemovedhouse,thenIwouldnâthave
toridemybikeupabloodymountaintogethometoWaldstadt
everyday,untilmylungswerehangingoutofmythroat.Orget
onthestinkingnumberseventeenbusandlistentoitsgears
grindingasitstruggledupthehill.Therewerelotsof
advantages,notleastwhenitcametoJacquelineSchmiedebach.
ThefactthatBogiandIwouldnâtbeneighboursanymorewas
justsomethingIâdhavetoaccept.Andthathadhappened
already,tobehonest.AlthoughIdidnâtliketothinktoomuch
aboutthat,becauseIkeptimagininghimlyingaloneinhis
hospitalbed,andfeelingthatIshouldreallybetherewithhim.
Butinsteadoftakingthatasareasontogoandseehimstraight
away,Itriedtostopthinkingabouthim.Thatâshowitwas.
Mymotherhadrecentlydecidedtostarttakingmorecareof
me.Shewasalwaysinterferingwithmystuff,andwantingto
haveconversationswithme.AbouthowIwasfeelingandstuff,
forGodâssake.BecauseoftheBogibusiness.AndhowIsawmy
future.Once,sheevenwantedtotalkaboutsex.Seriously.Just
46
imagineit.Mymother!Iprettyquicklymadesureshekepther
trapshutonthatissueandwasnevergoingtotryitagain.
Madness.Letherfindsomeoneelseâseartobend.
Thesexeducationlessonatschoolhadbeenkindof
funny,incidentally.Notbecauseofthetopic,butbecauseMrs
Strobelinbiologywassoembarrassedandredâfacedalllesson
andwasonlyteachingthisstuffbecausesheâdbeenforcedto.
ShewasCatholic,etc.Ourheadmasterhadevenwrittenasex
educationbookhimself,andIâdonceseenhimcomingoutof
thesexshoplookingreallychuffed.Iswear,Iâmnotmakingthis
up!IwasgoingintotheoldMusikhausBornstedtrecordshop
whenIsawhim.Theoneeveryonewenttobeforetheyopened
Rockworld.Itwasweird.Welookedeachotherrightintheeye.
Stupidly,Iwasembarrassedbythesituation,thoughheclearly
wasnât.IlookedawayquicklyandpretendedIhadnât
recognisedhim.
Hestoodaroundforawhilelonger,takinghistime,
lookinginthewindowsofthesexshop.Itwasaprofessional
visit,forsexeducationandstuff.ThesexshopwascalledDr
MĂŒllerâs,andwhenmyfatherfirstmovedintoClaudiaâsflat,in
anareawhereyoucouldguaranteenobodywouldeveropena
sexshop,thebellbytheirfrontdoorsaidâDrMĂŒllerâ!Ipissed
myselflaughingwhenIreadthat.Maybethesexshopguyused
tolivethere.ClaudiaâsnamewasnâtMĂŒller,atanyrate.Itwas
HungerâLöper.Iâdtriedtoimaginewhatahungerloperwould
looklike.Averythinmarabou,butwithfrizzyredhairinstead
offeathers,maybe.Ifshemarriedmyfatherandadded
47
SchumachertoHungerandLöper,thesignbythebellwouldbe
prettycrowded.
Ihadthefeelingthatmyparents,especiallymymother,
werejustwaitingtobeabletofoistaproblemontome,because
theyweregettingdivorced.LikeIsaid,theywerealwaystrying
todrawmeintotheirstress.Whichmademethinkthat
whetherthetwoofthemwerenotspeakingtoeachotherin
oneflatortwoseparateonesdidnâtreallymakeanydifference.
Tome,atleast.
Earlier,whenIâdcomehomeanddroppedmybikebesidethe
garage,Iwentthroughthegardenandslippedintothehouse
throughthekitchendoor,tryingtogettomybedroomwithout
beingspotted.Butmymotherheardmeallthesameand
jumpeduptocomeandfindme.Iranupthestairsthreeata
timeandescapedher.
âHello,Mum,âIcalledout,beforeslammingmybedroom
doorshutasecondlater.
IfIhadnâthadtorush,Icouldhavegrabbedsomethingto
eatonmywaythroughthekitchen,becauseIwaspretty
hungryafterpedallingupthemountain.Buttheriskofgetting
myearchewedoffwasjusttoogreat.Ilockedthedoor,turned
themusiconandthrewmyselfontothebed.Themusicdidme
good.Musicdidnâtwantanythingfromme.Itwasjustthere,
anditwrappeditselfaroundme.
IntheRingwald,thewoodsthatbeganattheendofour
street,someonewassupposedlygrowingaplantationof
marijuanainaclearing.
48
IâdheardthisintheplaygroundatbreaktimefromWalki,
whoâdhearditfromNeanderthalKlaus.Andiftherewas
anyonewhoknewaboutthesethings,itwashim.
NeanderthalKlaushadprobablyplantedithimself,and
thentoldpeopleaboutit,likeyoudowithsomethingyou
shouldreallykeeptoyourselfbutcanât,becauseyouwantto
showoffandhavenâtgotanythingelsetoshowoffabout.
Somethinglikethat.NeanderthalKlauslookedexactlyashis
namesuggests,bytheway.Ormaybeitwastheotherway
around,andovertimehisappearancehadcometofithisname.
Inanycase,Ireallywantedtoknowwherethisplantationwas.
IknewtheRingwaldbetterthananyone.Well,notbetterthan
Bogiortheforester,perhaps.Butjustaswellasthemand
betterthanalltheothers.
TheRingwald,asMrKraglerhadtaughtusingeography,
wasaâgeologicalhalfâhorstâ.Kraglerwouldhavetornusanew
arseholeifweâdlaughedatthat.HisfirstnamewasHorst.Or,
fromthatpointon,HalfHorst.OberstudienratHalfHorst
Kragler.Sortofthing.HewasluckytheRingwaldwasonlya
halfâhorst,notatotalhorst;thenwewouldhavebeenin
trouble.IwouldhavetotellBogiaboutthegrassplantation
nexttimeIvisitedhim.
IfIwenttovisithim.
IpreferredtogobacktothinkingaboutJacqueline.I
didnâtmissBogiwhenIwasdoingthat.Imean,heprobably
wouldhaveruinedeverythingwithallhischat.Itâsquite
possiblethatafterIâdgottoknowJacquelineproperly,andwe
werefinallyacouple,andthetwoofthemmet,thefirstthing
49
heâdhavedonewouldbetoletoutafart.Iwouldnâtputhim
pasthim.Itmademelaugh.
Funny:suddenlytherewasnowsomethingcalledâmy
lifeâ,whichIwasalwaysthinkingaboutasifitweresomehow
takingplaceoutsideofme.ItwassomethingthatIoughtto
âshapeâ,oratleast,thatâswhatmyfatherhadtoldmeawhile
ago.Ishouldthinkabouttheshapemylifewasgoingtotake,he
said,andIwonderedwhattheguywasonabout.Ithought:the
factthatIâmmeisprobablynothingbutacoincidence.Icould
justaseasilybesomeoneelse.Ifadifferentspermhadbeen
thatbitquicker,Imightnowbejustonemetrefiftyâthreetall
withagiganticnoseâwaybiggerthanmyschnozalreadywas,I
mean,andIâdbegoingtomeetâupsformodelrailway
enthusiastsorGodknowswhatelse.WouldIstillbemethen,or
someoneelse?Hardtosay,becauseinthatscenario,theperson
Inowcallâmeâwouldnâtevenexist.Mybrainwasmeltingwith
allthisstuffânowonderIcouldhardlycomeoutwitha
coherentsentenceanymore.Recently,mywholelifehadbeen
feelinglikeahugeBUThadfallenoutofthesky.EverytimeI
didorthoughtanything,thisBUTwouldshowup.
IwasnâthappyinthewayIusedtobewhensomething
wasbrilliant,orevenwhensomethingjustworkedoutâ
instead,allIthoughtaboutwashowitcouldhavegonewrong.
AndthetwotimesthatJacquelineSchmiedebachsmiledatme?
Yes,Ifeltitdeepdowninside,buttherewasalwaysanagging
doubtthatshemightjusthavebeenlaughingatme.ThatBUT
wasworsethananything,quitehonestly.
50
Wherehaditcomefrom,allofasudden?Andaboveall,I
thought,asIcarriedonstaringattheceiling:why?
Although,no,youcouldnâtreallycallitthinking.Itwas
morethatIcouldfeelsomethingheavyswirlingaroundinside
me.WheneverItriedtograbitandgetridofit,itslipped
throughmyfingers.
MaybeIshouldhaveacigarette.Iwasnâtactuallya
smoker,butIwantedtobecomeone,andhadrecentlyliberated
apackofmentholcigarettesfromthedrawerintheliving
room.Mymothersmokedthem.Ihopedthepeppermintscent
wouldmaketherevoltingtasteoftobaccomorebearable,and
eventuallyIwouldgetthehangofinhaling.Allthatcoughing
wassoembarrassing.
Itookthepackoutofitshidingplaceinmybookshelves,
behindtheKarlMaybooks.Theywerestillthereeventhough
Iâdneverreadthem:allthatadventureandWesternbullshit
didnâtinterestmeintheslightest,Godknowswhyeveryone
loveditsomuch.Ituckedthecigarettepacketdownthefrontof
mytrousers,undertheelasticwaistbandofmypants,sothatit
wouldnâtslipdownmytrouserlegifIhadtowalkpastmy
mother.ThenIpulledmysweatshirtdownoverit.
Ihadslippedthelighterinsidethebox.Iputaneartomy
bedroomdoor,andwhenIdidnâthearanything,Iturnedthe
keyveryslowly,quietlyopenedthedoor,grabbedmyarmy
jacket,creptoutontothelandingandlistenedtowhatwas
goingondownstairs.Mymotherwasstillinthelivingroom,on
thephone.So:downthestairsquicklyandoutofthefrontdoor
beforeshecouldsayanythingelse.
51
Iheardsomethingbehindme,butbythattimeIwas
alreadyonmybikeandpedallingofftowardstheRingwald.At
theendoftheroadIturnedleftandalmostranoverthe
dachshundthatbelongedtoMrSchliemann,wholivedonthe
corner.Thetwoofthemwerejustcomingbackfromoneofthe
fourthousandwalkstheywentoneachday.Schliemannwas
ancientandlikedtowearhuntinggear,kneebreechesandso
on.ButIdonâtthinkhehadagunorwentoutshootinganimals.
Atleast,Iâdneverseenhimwithone.AlthoughIwouldnâtputit
pasthim;peoplesaidheâdworkedfortheNazis.Butthen,it
seemedeveryonehad.Hishouselookedlikeakindoflogcabin.
Weirdguy.Butthedachshundwasactuallyanicedog.
Schliemannyelledafterme,andIacceleratedandrode
offdowntherustlingwoodlandpathtowardsKreuztal.
Ireallydidwanttoknowwherethisbloodyplantation
was,buttheRingwaldwasquitebig.Although,asIsaid,itwas
onlyahalfâhorst.Forawhilenow,Ihadnâtdaredgooffintothe
undergrowthlikeIusedto.Iâdreadinthepaperthatwildboar
âofwhichtherewereloadshereâcouldeatpeople.Whole
people,everylastbitofthem.Killerpigs.Bonesandeverything,
Imean.Theinterviewquotedapolicemansayingthatthebest
waytogetridofabodywastoleaveitinaforestwherethere
werealotofwildboar.Itwoulddisappearwithoutatracein
twoorthreedays.Iâdbeenabitsurprisedthatapolicemanof
allpeoplewasgivingoutthosekindsoftipsinanewspaper.On
theotherhand,maybeitwasawayoffinallygettingsomeone,
anyone,tolistentohim.Ineededtostopreadingthestupid
52
paper.Myfatherspenthalfthedayonthatrubbishandyou
couldseewhereitgothim.
Istood,smoking,inthedriedâupstreambedunderthe
littlewoodenbridgeinKreuztal,andtriednottocough.I
concentratedonthementholtaste.Thewindwhistledandthe
firstyellowoakleaveswerespinningdownfromthetrees;they
weresosolidthatithurtifonelandedonyourhead.
IthoughtaboutJacquelineSchmiedebach,andinstantly
feltguiltythatallIthoughtaboutwashernow,andnotBogi.
Thewayhehadstoodthereatthehospitalwindow.Although,if
Iâmcompletelyhonest?Iwasactuallystilljustthinkingabout
Jacqueline.Maybeafewotherincidentalthingsfromtimeto
time.Butnotasarule.
Onthewayback,Iwentdownandcycledpastthelido.
Throughthefence,Ilookedattheemptypoolsandthetwo
divingplatforms:thethreeâmetreone,andbesideitthefiveand
theten.
Hardtoimaginethatnextsummer,itwouldbefullof
peopleagain,andIâdmakemynextattempttojumpofftheten.
âAttemptâ,meaning:Iâdprobablyjustspendagesstandingup
thereagain,completelynumbwithfear,althoughIhadthisidea
thatthejumpmightchangesomethingâinsideme,Imean.But
perhapsIwaswrongaboutthat.Perhapsitwasjustathingyou
werealwaystold,andafteryoujumpedyourskinwouldjust
stingfordaysandeverythingelsewouldbeexactlythesameas
before.
53
AsIwasnearinghome,Isawtwoblackfiguresdoingacrobatics
ontheroofofthehouse.Afairlytalloneandoneonlyhalfas
big.Thechimneysweepshadcome.Iwatchedforaminuteas
theybusiedthemselvesuptherewithmetalballsattachedto
chains,whichlookedlikesomethingoutofoneofthosemiddleâ
agescomics.
Playingyetanotherroundofthesamegameasearlier,I
creptinthroughthekitchenandtriedtogetpasttheliving
roomunnoticed.Butthistimemymotherwasfasterthanme,
andwasalreadywaitingformeinthehall.Shelookedsad.That
wasthethingthatreallygotme,muchmorethanthe
arguments.ItwasnâtactuallyherIwasavoiding;itwasjustthis
horriblesadness.MyownsadnessaboutBogiwasquiteenough
forme.
âMotte,wecangoandlookataflatinthenewtown
tomorrow.â
âEr,whattime?â
âThreeoâclock.â
Thatwasnogood.ThatmeantIcouldnâtwaitfor
JacquelineSchmiedebachatthejetty.
âIcanâtmakeit.â
âWhatdoyoumean,youcanâtmakeit?Itâsimportant.â
âYeah,pff,justtaketheflat.Itâllbefine,âIsaid.Quite
honestly,itdidnâtmattertome.
âDonâtyouevenwanttoknowwhereweâregoingtolive?
Arenâtyouinterestedinwhatwedonext?Iam.â
Okay.Hervoicewasstartingtowaveragain,andifthere
weretwoorthreemoreoftheseexchangesbetweenusnow,
54
shewoulddisappearintoherroomfortherestofthedayand
haveaheadache,andeventuallyIâdhavetogoupand
apologise.Thenweâdspendhalfanhourstandinginherroom
andhuggingandstuff.Orrather,shewouldbehuggingme.
âSowhereexactlyisit?âIasked,hopingtosparemyself
allthat.Butthenshewantedtoputherarmsroundmethen
andthereâonly,Iwasabletowriggleoutofitstraightaway,
becausesomeonewascomingdownthestairsbehindus.Itwas
thechimneysweepwhoIâdjustseenontheroof.
âRightthen,thatâsusfinished,MrsSchumacher.â
Mymotherdisappearedintothekitchen,probablyto
fetchatip.Shealwayspressedmoneyintothesepeopleâshands
theminutetheycameintothehouse.Ifounditfairly
embarrassing.Latershewouldalwaystellmehowincredibly
nicetheyâdbeen.Nowonder.
âThankyousomuch!âshetrilled,andbang,themanhad
atennerinhishand.TenMarks!Iâmnotevenkidding.
Therecouldhavebeenabitofadiscussionaboutthat.
Thatwasmypocketmoneyfortwoweeks.Andhewasgetting
itfordoingwhathewouldhavedoneanyway,inadditiontohis
chimneyâsweepdough.
âForthebiscuitfund,âmymothersaid,andtheguy
mutteredsomethinglikeâThecompanyâsverygratefulâ.
Iwassurethecompanywasnevergoingtoseethat
tenner.
âMotte,donâtyouwanttotouchthegentleman?Chimney
sweepsbringgoodluck,âmymothersaid.
IthoughtIwashearingthings.
55
Inanycase,IdidnâtlikebeingcalledMotteinfrontof
strangers.Theywouldthinkitwasmynameandtheycouldcall
methat,too.ButIwaspickyaboutwhogottocallmeMotte
and,moreimportantly,whodidnât.
Iâdhadenoughofallthisstandingaround.AndIwasalso
scaredthatIstillsmelledofcigarettesmoke.Iwasabouttotry
andslipawaywhenthehalfâchimneyâsweep,whohadcome
downafterthefirstone,alsosaidsomething.
âHi,Motte.â
IwassogobsmackedthatatfirstIjuststaredatthis
strangefigure,theblackclothes,thefunnycapandaboveall,
theblackface.
âDonâtyourecogniseme?ItâsSteffi.â
Mymotherandthebigchimneysweepsmiled,asifwe
weretwopoodlessniffingeachother,orsomething.
WhothehellwasSteffi?
âWewereinthesameclassatprimaryschool.Steffi
Fuchs,âsaidthelittlechimneysweep.
SteffiFuchs,SteffiFuchsâŠ
Ah,right,ofcourse,Stefanie,theshortonewiththe
crookedteeth.Whooncejumpedoutofanappletreeintoa
haystackthatstillhadapitchforkinit.Afterwardstheysaidat
schoolthatshehadtohavealongoperation,becausethe
pitchforkwentinonesideofherbellyandcameouttheother.
Butitmissedallherorgans,otherwiseshewouldhavedied,or
somethinglikethat.Steffihadbeenputintotheambulancewith
thepitchforkstillinsideher.Theyâdcutawaythehandlefirstâ
Godâshonesttruth.FrankWolterstoldusthat,andhewas
56
there.Thetwoofthemlivedinoneofthenewâbuildblocks
theyâdthrownupontheedgeofthefarmland,sotheyplayed
togetheralot.
Theprongshadbeenpulledoutofheroncetheygotto
thehospital.Ithadbeenthemostinterestingthingthathad
happenedinthewholetimeIwasatprimaryschool.Ifonly
becausewedidnâtknowanyoneelsewhoâdhadanoperation.
Afterwards,wehadalwayslookedatSteffiFuchsfunny,
wonderingwhethershenowhadholesinherbellythatthe
windwhistledthrough.Thethingsyouthinkwhenyouâreakid.
Butwhatwasshedoingherenow,dressedasachimney
sweep?Atleastitlookedlikethatepisodehadnâtputheroff
climbing.
âSteffiismyapprentice.Shestartedinthesummer,âsaid
thetenâmarkman.
âYouârethepitchforkgirl,right?âIasked.
Thenshegrinned,andwithherfaceallblackitlooked
quitefunny,andmademerelaxabit.
âYes,thatâsme.Yourememberthat?â
âWhatdoyouthink?âApause.
Motherstared.Thechimneysweepstared.Allthethings
theytaughtyounevertodo,likestaringatpeople,theywere
constantlydoingthemselves,withoutanyshameaboutit.
âAndyouâreâŠ.Er,soyouâredoingâŠâ
âAchimneysweepapprenticeship,yes,âshesaid.
âRight.Ofcourse.Cool.â
57
Itwasstrangethatshewasdoingarealjobalready.I
suddenlyfeltquitechildish,withSteffistandinginfrontofme
inherworkgear.
Whichwasalsooddbecause,sinceweâdgonetothe
moreacademicGymnasium,weâdalwaystreatedthekidsatthe
nonâselectiveschoolquitecondescendingly.Likesemiâidiots.
TosaynothingofthekidsfromtheBrettergymnasium,the
lowersecondaryschool.Tobehonest,Ididnâtknowasingle
lowerâsecondarykid.Everyonewassupposedtobedoingtheir
universityentranceexamsandgoingofftostudyandthings.
AndifevenablockheadlikeUdoMönchcouldgetintothe
Gymnasium,itdidmakeyouwonderwhowenttothelower
secondary.Nomatter;Steffiatleastmanagedtospeakinwhole
sentences.WhichwasbetterthanIcoulddo,ifIâmhonest.
Shereallywasquiteshort.Herbottomlipprotrudeda
little,andshehaddimples,becauseshewasconstantly
grinning.Herfrontteethweretheoppositeofbuckteeth,if
suchathingexists:theyweresetbackalittleway.Andthey
glowedinhersootyface.Shehadtakenhercapoffandher
haircutwaslikeBowieâsonthecoverofLow.Kindofincredible,
really,becausehemusthavehadatleastfourteenhairdressers
workingonhim,andSteffihadsimplyhadherchimneyâsweep
capon,andyetthetwohadcomeoutthesame.
âComeonthen,Steffi,weârenotdoneforthedayyet,â
saidthechimneysweep.
Thetwoofthemmovedontothehousenextdoor.I
watchedthemgo.ThechimneysweepandStefanieFuchs,who
oncejumpedontoapitchfork.