Boundaries

“Keep your heart with all diligence, for out of it spring the issues of life.” (Prov. 4: 23)

“The heart knows its own bitterness, and a stranger does not share its joy.” (Prov. 14:10)

• As individuals, each one of us has his own boundaries.

• 1. The most basic is our skin.

• 2. Words: Yes and no are the most basic boundaries setting words.

• 3. Truth: to us there is safety in the truth. To a Christian, knowing God’s truth sets him free

Geographical distance

• “A prudent man foresees evil and hides himself.” Prov. 22: 3

• Time: “To everything there is a season, a time for every purpose under heaven.” (Ecc. 3:1)

• Time away, time to be set for different matters, and time off.

Emotional distance

• It is a temporary boundary to give your heart the space it needs to be safe.

• Other people: there are two reasons why you need others to help with boundaries:

• 1. Your most basic need in life is for relationships.

• 2. We need others’ input and teaching.• Creating boundaries always involves a

support network.

Consequences

• Trespassing on other people’s property carries consequences.

• God does not enable irresponsible behavior.

• Hunger is a consequence of laziness. (Prov. 16: 26)

Feelings

• Feelings come from the heart and express the state of your relationship. You can feel close and loving.

• You may feel angry and you may feel resentment.

• Feelings eventually, no matter how long it takes, will show up.

Attitudes

• Your attitude toward a matter or a person sooner or later will show up.

• Your attitude toward God, life, work, relationships.

• We need to own our attitudes and convictions and not blame others for our failings (Adam and Eve).

• Setting limits and accepting responsibilities will save lives. (Prov. 13: 18)

Choices

• We need to take responsibility for our choices.

• We need to realize that we are in control of our choices. For example, giving: Reluctantly and under compulsion. “Let each one give as he purposes in his heart, not grudgingly or of necessity, for God loves a cheerful giver.” (2 Cor. 9: 7)

Desires

• Our desires rely within our boundaries. “When you ask, you do not receive because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend on your pleasures. James 4: 2,3)

• A desire accomplished is sweet to the soul. (Prov. 13: 19) But it sure is a lot of work.

Love

• “Love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul and with all your mind, and your neighbor as yourself.” (Matt. 22: 37-39)

• Loving hard needs an inflow as well as an outflow of life blood.

Problems with boundaries

• The difficulty to say “no”.• Reasons: fear of hurting the other person’s feelings.• Fear of abandonment and separateness.• A wish to be totally dependent on another.• Fear of someone else’s anger.• Fear of punishment.• Fear of being shamed.• Fear of being seen as bad and selfish.• Fear of being unspiritual.• Fear of over strict and critical conscious (guilt feeling).

Ten Laws of Boundaries1.The Law of Sowing and Reaping

• You reap whatever you sow. If you sow to your own flesh, you reap corruption from the flesh; but if you sow to the spirit, you reap eternal life from the spirit. (Gal. 6:7,8)

• This is not punishment but God tells us how things really are. Smoking, over-speeding, overspending, etc…On the other hand, if you exercise, eat the right food, you may suffer less from diseases.

• Interrupting that law, may not be an act of love.

2. Law of Responsibility

• “Continue to work out your own salvation, for it is God who works in you to will and to act according to His own purpose.” Phil.

• I am responsible for myself. Responsibility should not be only in giving but is setting limits on other’s destructive and irresponsible behavior.

• The Bible emphasizes to give in to needs and put limits on sin.

3. The law of Power

• You overcome with the patterns of lack of boundaries by gaining the following powers:

• 1. The power to agree with the truth about your problems, called “Confession.”

• 2. The power to submit your inability to God asking for His help and yield to Him.

• 3. The power to search and ask God to reveal more about what is within your boundaries.

• 4. The power to turn from the evil that is within you: repentance.

• 5. The power to ask for forgiveness and restitution for those you have injured.

4. The Law of Respect

• We fear that others will not respect our boundaries. We focus on others and lack clarity about ourselves. We judge the boundary decisions, thinking that we know better how they ought to give to me the way I want them to give. “Judge not that you may not be judged.” Matt. 7:1

• “Do to others as you would them do to you.” My only concern should be are others really make a free choice.

5. Law of Motivation

• I do far more for people than I should; and that makes me very depressed.

• The motivation should bring us happiness not depression. Giving should be motivated by love and not fear of loneliness, guilt, payback, approval or praise.

6. Law of Evaluation

• Difference between hurt and harm: In loving you, I will not harm you but I may hurt you. Jesus referred to this as the narrow gate. It is easier to go through the broad gate of destruction.

• Admonition from a friend, while it can hurt, can also help.

7. The Law of Proactivity

• The need to practice and gain assertiveness. We need to get far enough away from abusive people to be able to fence your property against further invasion.

8. The Law of Envy

• Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden

• The problem with envy is that it focuses outside our boundaries onto others.

9. The Law of Activity

• We may have boundary problems because we lack initiative.

• The Parable of the talents.

• Passivity never pays off.

• God will match our efforts, but He will never do our work for us.

10. Law of Exposure

• This is applicable to relationships. We fear of guilt, not being liked, loss of love, loss of approval, receiving anger, etc…

• Because of these fears, we try to have secret boundaries. We withdraw passively and quietly instead of communicating an honest “No” to someone we love. We secretly resent rather than telling someone we are angry about how they hurt us.

• Let not the sun go down on your anger.• “If your brother sins against you, rebuke him and

if he repents, forgive him.” Luke 17: 3