Book by TIM KELLY Music and Lyrics by BILL FRANCOEUR

Book by TIM KELLYMusic and Lyrics by BILL FRANCOEUR

© Copyright 1993, under the title of “Hee Haw Hayride” by Pioneer Drama Service, Inc.

PERFORMANCE LICENSE

The amateur acting rights to this play are controlled exclusively by PIONEER DRAMA SERVICE, INC., P.O. Box 4267, Englewood, Colorado 80155, without whose permission no performance, reading or presentation of any kind may be given. On all programs and advertising this notice must appear: “Produced by special arrangement with PIONEER DRAMA SERVICE, INC., Englewood, Colorado.”

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© Copyright 1993, under the title of "Hee Haw Hayride"by Pioneer Drama Service, Inc.

FUSSIN’ AN A-FEUDIN’ A hillbilly musical comedy in two acts

Book by TIM KELLY, Music & Lyrics by BILL FRANCOEUR

SYNOPSIS The action takes place mostly in the backwoods community of Lonesome Polecat.

TIME

The Present. BASIC SET

A view of “downtown” Lonesome Polecat. It looks like a page torn from a comic book. STAGE RIGHT is the facade of a ramshackle boardinghouse, with sign. Some chairs or bench. STAGE LEFT is the facade of a general store, with sign. Some barrels, a bench. UPSTAGE there’s a painted backdrop of hills and trees. Entrances/exits are UP RIGHT and DOWN RIGHT below the boardinghouse; UP LEFT and DOWN LEFT below the general store. Below the curtain line is an all-purpose area (FORESTAGE). EXTREME DOWN RIGHT and EXTREME DOWN LEFT represent various locations. For staging suggestions, consult PRODUCTION NOTES at rear of playbook.

CAST OF CHARACTERS (In order of speaking)

LAURETTE GREENACRE ........ runs general store 13 # of lines

EDNA TUBBS ............................ runs boardinghouse 24 ROSE MARIE MURDOCK ......... New York writer 34 DAGMAR ................................... Edna’s teenage daughter 11 OBIE ........................................... Laurette’s teenage son 21 LEE ROY CALHOUN ................. in love with Emmy Lou, 18 23 EMMY LOU TOLLIVER ............. in love with Lee Roy, 18 28 PAW CALHOUN ........................ Lee Roy’s Paw, hates Tollivers 53 BUBBA ....................................... Lee Roy’s older brother 24 GOOBER ................................... another older brother 25 MAW TOLLIVER ........................ Emmy Lou’s Maw, hates 43

Calhouns PETUNIA .................................... Emmy Lou’s older sister 18 DULCY ....................................... another older sister 16 JOE MARTIN ............................. editor of Pandar Publishing 86

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SALLY MERRIWETHER ............ owns Bandar Log Books, Inc. 111 TRAIN CONDUCTOR ................ enjoys punching tickets 9 BIANCA ...................................... Lonesome Polecat teenager 7 ESTHER ..................................... another 8 CHLOE ....................................... another 4 GRACE ...................................... another 7 MR. DOGWEAZEL ..................... mailman 7 SHERIFF DICKENS ................... on the job 20 SHERRI GORDON .................... film executive 40 IRIS HUTTON ............................ publicity is everything 13 ANTIQUITY WORMWOOD ....... cures what ails you 24

CITIZENS OF LONESOME POLECAT as/if desired (see Production Notes.)

SEQUENCE OF MUSICAL CUES MC 1 Overture .............................................. Instrumental MC 2 Fussin an’ a-Feudin’ ........................... Tollivers, Calhouns,

Citizens, Rose Marie

SOUND EFFECT: Train MC 3 Hee Haw Hayride ............................... Citizens of

Lonesome Polecat MC 4 Love is Somethin’ Special to Me ........ Lee Roy, Emmy

Lou SOUND EFFECT: Yapping Dogs SOUND EFFECT: Car Horn A SOUND EFFECT: Car Horn B MC 5 Rockabilly Lullaby ............................... Iris, Sherri, Citizens SOUND EFFECT: Hoot Owl A SOUND EFFECT: Hoot Owl B MC 6 I Fergits ............................................... Antiquity, Sally,

Joe, Lee Roy, Emmy Lou

MC 6a Antiquity’s Travelin’ Music .................. Instrumental MC 7 Fussin an’ a-Feudin’ (Reprise) ........... Company MC 8 Curtain Call ......................................... Instrumental MC 9 Exit Music ........................................... Instrumental

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fussin’ an’ a-feudin’

Scene One

SETTING: Lonesome Polecat. Morning.

MUSIC CUE 1: “Overture.”

LIGHTS UP: LAURETTE GREENACRE is discovered in front of the general store sweeping away the dirt with a broom. She stops, calls out.

LAURETTE: Obie! (No response.) OOOOOOBIE! (She listens, again no response.) OOOOOOOOOOBIE! (Listens. Nothing.) Drat that boy. Never around when he’s wanted. (Returns to sweeping. EDNA TUBBS steps from the boardinghouse, wiping her hands on the apron she wears.)

EDNA: Mornin’, Laurette.

LAURETTE: Mornin’, Edna.

EDNA: (Shades her eyes, looks up to the sky.) Looks like it’s goin’ to be a hot one.

LAURETTE: Reckon so.

EDNA: I hear you callin’ fer Obie?

LAURETTE: That boy is more difficult than a litter of raccoons in a washtub. Just wants to laze about.

EDNA: Menfolk here in Lonesome Polecat seems to think lazin’ and dozin’ is a full-time occupation. (ROSE MARIE MURDOCK ENTERS from the boardinghouse. In contrast to the homespun clothing worn by EDNA and LAURETTE, she’s dressed stylishly, in the latest chic fashion.)

ROSE MARIE: Good morning, ladies.

LAURETTE: How do, Miz Murdock.

EDNA: All set to head back to the big city? (ROSE MARIE moves CENTER, puts on a pair of gloves.)

ROSE MARIE: I’ve enjoyed my stay here in Lonesome Polecat, but it’s time to see Manhattan again.

EDNA: You sure folks will be interested in readin’ about a mountain feud?

ROSE MARIE: The feud between the Tollivers and the Calhouns is no ordinary mountain feud. It’s been going on for over two hundred years. It’s got everything—history, local color, violence, romance. And stupidity.

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LAURETTE: Them Tollivers and them Calhouns is famous fer their stupidity.

EDNA: If’n they didn’t have their stupidity, they wouldn’t have nothin’. (ROSE MARIE looks perplexed as she tries to figure out the meaning of this remark. DAGMAR ENTERS from the boardinghouse with ROSE MARIE’S handsome luggage.)

DAGMAR: Here’s your suitcase, Miz Murdock. You want I should tie a piece of rope around it so it won’t fly open?

ROSE MARIE: It’d better not. I paid a thousand dollars for that piece of luggage. (OTHERS react, amazed.)

EDNA: A thousand dollars?! It don’t sound natural.

LAURETTE: Cardboard box would do just as good. That’s what I always use.

ROSE MARIE: Mrs. Greenacre, would you tell your son I’m ready. (To EDNA.) He’s driving me to the station.

DAGMAR: I wouldn’t git into that ole jalopy fer nothin’. It ain’t got no doors and it shakes somethin’ awful. A person can git jalopy sick real quick. (Puts down luggage.)

LAURETTE: No tellin’ where Obie be.

OBIE’S VOICE: (From OFFSTAGE, UP LEFT.) Maw! Maw!

EDNA: (Looks UP LEFT.) Here be Obie now.

OBIE’S VOICE: Maw! Maw! (OBIE runs INTO VIEW and moves to his mother.)

DAGMAR: What you all riled up about, Obie?

OBIE: There’s goin’ to be trouble. Flyin’ hot lead trouble. Everybody knows Emmy Lou Tolliver and Lee Roy Calhoun ain’t supposed to see each other.

ROSE MARIE: But they’re in love.

OBIE: Love ain’t got nothin’ to do with it. (LEE ROY hurries IN from DOWN LEFT below the general store. He is pulling EMMY LOU with him.)

DAGMAR: There they be.

ROSE MARIE: In time for me to say good-bye.

LEE ROY: We ain’t got no time for chatter, Miz Murdock.

EMMY LOU: Maw is hunting Lee Roy with her shotgun!

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LEE ROY: Come on, Emmy Lou. We got to find us a hidin’ place. (LEE ROY yanks EMMY LOU and moves for DOWN RIGHT. He’s stopped by the ENTRANCE of his father, PAW CALHOUN, and his two sons, BUBBA and GOOBER. They’re a dirty, scratchy, nasty-looking trio. EXTRA male MEMBERS of the CALHOUN family can be added, if desired. Torn overalls, battered hats, hunting rifles. PAW CALHOUN has a shaggy beard that reaches to his waist.)

PAW CALHOUN: Hold on there, son. You ain’t a-goin’ nowhere. Let go of that Tolliver gal. She ain’t fit company for no Calhoun.

LEE ROY: You might as well get used to the idea, Paw. I’m a-goin’ to marry Emmy Lou!

PAW CALHOUN: Marry a Tolliver? Over my sweet-smellin’ dead body! Are you a-goin’ do like I say, or is we a-goin’ to use Emmy Lou for target practice? (ONLOOKERS gasp. CALHOUNS lift their rifles and take aim.)

LEE ROY: Don’t worry, Emmy Lou. They won’t shoot as long as I’m standin’ in front of you. (Pause. To audience.) I hopes. (LEE ROY stands in front of EMMY LOU in protective fashion.)

BUBBA: Don’t push your luck, li’l brother.

GOOBER: The honor of the Calhouns is at stake. (MAW TOLLIVER ENTERS from DOWN LEFT, rifle aimed at PAW CALHOUN. Behind her are her two daughters, PETUNIA and DULCY. They too have rifles. EXTRA TOLLIVERS, all female, if desired.)

MAW TOLLIVER: Honor! Since when does a mangy pack of ferrets know anythin’ about honor?

PETUNIA: That’s tellin’ ’em, Maw.

MAW TOLLIVER: Git away from that Calhoun boy, Emmy Lou. He ain’t fer you. Never has been. Never will be.

EMMY LOU: But, Maw—

PETUNIA: You heard what Maw said.

EMMY LOU: But, Petunia—

DULCY: Lee Roy ain’t fer you, sister.

EMMY LOU: But, Dulcy—

MAW TOLLIVER: Git over here, Emmy Lou, else I’ll take a stick to you.

PAW CALHOUN: Git over here where you belong, Lee Roy. (EMMY LOU and LEE ROY stare at each other longingly.)

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BUBBA: Otherwise, we’s a-goin’ to start the shootin’. (The CALHOUNS and the TOLLIVERS take aim for each other. ONLOOKERS react. Reluctantly, LEE ROY steps to his family and EMMY LOU steps to hers.)

LEE ROY: We ain’t lookin’ to see no one git hurt.

OBIE: Looks like thar ain’t goin’ to be no casualties today. Shucks.

LAURETTE: Hush up, Obie. (ROSE MARIE steps DOWNSTAGE, looks from the CALHOUNS to the TOLLIVERS.)

ROSE MARIE: Must you act like children? Can’t you see these two young people are in love? Doesn’t that mean anything to you?

MAW TOLLIVER: You keep out of this, Miz Murdock.

PAW CALHOUN: This ain’t none of your affair. ’Sides, I ain’t fergit you promised me a picture of Shirley Temple. With her paw mark in one corner.

ROSE MARIE: It will take a little time. All this arguing and quarreling is pointless.

PETUNIA: It’s the code of the hills.

GOOBER: The way it’s always been.

DULCY: The way it’s always a-goin’ be.

ALL: TRADITION! (MUSIC CUE 2: “Fussin’ An’ A-Feudin’.” As MUSIC STARTS, OTHER CITIZENS of Lonesome Polecat can ENTER and join in. Sing.) Fussin’ an’ a-feudin’, ev’ry night ’n’ day.Fussin’ an’ a-feudin’, it’s the mountain way.Fussin’ an’ a-feudin’, heard fer miles around.

TOLLIVERS/CALHOUNS: (Sing.) Gonna shoot ’em up an’ stretch ’em out six feet underground! Mm, mm.

TOLLIVERS: (Sing.) Fussin’ an’ a-feudin’, gonna drive ’em off my land.

CALHOUNS: (Sing.) Fussin’ an’ a-feudin’, gonna rightly take a stand.

TOLLIVERS: (Sing.) Fussin’ an’ a-feudin’, gonna make ’em all behave.

ALL: (Sing.) Gonna shoot ’em up an’ stretch ’em out, lay ’em in a grave! Mm, mm.

CALHOUNS: (Sing.)We’ll set us up an’ ambush, surprise ’em in the day,Fight ’em tooth an’ nail, the Calhoun way.We’ll raid ’em in the nighttime, sneaky as a coon.Gonna keep a-fightin’ ’til the last Calhoun!

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(A mock gun fight begins between the two factions, with the other CITIZENS taking cover.)

CALHOUNS: (Speak in rhythm.) Pow!

TOLLIVERS: (Speak in rhythm.) Bang!

CALHOUNS: Pow!

TOLLIVERS: Bang!

CALHOUNS: Pow!

TOLLIVERS: Bang!

CALHOUNS: Pow!

TOLLIVERS: Bang!

CALHOUNS: Pow!

TOLLIVERS: Bang!

CALHOUNS: Pow!

TOLLIVERS: Bang!

CALHOUNS: Pow, pow, pow!

TOLLIVERS: Bang, bang!

ALL: (Sing.)Fussin’ an’ a-feudin’, ev’ry night ’n’ day.Fussin’ an’ a-feudin’, it’s the mountain way.Fussin’ an’ a-feudin’, two hundred years at least.

TOLLIVERS/CALHOUNS: (Sing.)Gonna hunt ’em down an’ shoot ’em up.(Taking off their hats and holding them over their hearts in mock respect.) May they rest in peace!Mm, mm.

TOLLIVERS: (Sing)We’ll catch ’em while they’re sleepin’, we’ll jump ’em in their beds.We’ll fight ’em hand t’ hand, we’ll stand ’em on their heads.I’ll grab me up my squirrel gun an’ give ’em all what fer.We’re bound to keep on fightin’ ’til the last Tolliver!(The mock gun fight begins anew with the other CITIZENS again taking cover.)

TOLLIVERS: (Speak in rhythm.) Pow!

CALHOUNS: (Speak in rhythm.) Bang!

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TOLLIVERS: Pow!

CALHOUNS: Bang!

TOLLIVERS: Pow!

CALHOUNS: Bang!

TOLLIVERS: Pow!

CALHOUNS: Bang!

TOLLIVERS: Pow!

CALHOUNS: Bang!

TOLLIVERS: Pow!

CALHOUNS: Bang!

TOLLIVERS: Pow, pow, pow!

CALHOUNS: Bang, bang!

ALL: (Sing.)Fussin’ an’ a-feudin’, ev’ry night ’n’ day.Fussin’ an’ a-feudin’, it’s the mountain way.Fussin’ an’ a-feudin’ heard fer miles around.

TOLLIVERS/CALHOUNS: (Sing.) Gonna shoot ’em up an’ stretch ’em out six feet underground! Mm, mm.

ALL: (Sing.) Fussin’ an’ a-feudin’s never gonna leave this town!

TOLLIVERS: (To CALHOUNS.) CALHOUNS: (To TOLLIVERS)Pow! Bang!

(At end of song—BLACKOUT.)

End Of Scene One

Scene Two

In the BLACKOUT, a train seat or bench is placed DOWN CENTER. SALLY crosses to it and sits. SOUND: Train riding the tracks. CLACK-CLACK-CLACK-CLACK-CLACK. LIGHTS UP: On the suggested train coach. SALLY is reading the tabloid newspaper “Strange But True.” SOUND FADES. JOE walks toward her from FORESTAGE, stops by seat. Hesitates before speaking.

JOE: I know this sounds idiotic. I’ll apologize before I begin.

SALLY: What are you talking about? (Puts down tabloid.)

JOE: You must have seen me staring at you.

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SALLY: No. Well... I guess I have.

JOE: I’m not trying to come on to you or anything, but you look soooooo familiar.

SALLY: I don’t think we’ve met.

JOE: You’re from New York. I can always tell a New Yorker when I see one.

SALLY: I didn’t know it showed.

JOE: It’s a compliment. (Fast, he sits beside her. There’s an immediate mutual attraction.)

SALLY: Won’t you sit down?

JOE: I’m already sitting.

SALLY: I noticed.

JOE: Fifth Avenue. I bet I’ve seen you on Fifth Avenue.

SALLY: It’s possible.

JOE: It bugs me when I can’t place a face. What’s a New Yorker doing in this part of the world?

SALLY: There’s nothing shy about you, is there?

JOE: I used to be a shy kid. I’m making up for it.

SALLY: I noticed.

JOE: I’m heading for a little town called Lonesome Polecat.

SALLY: That’s a coincidence. So am I.

JOE: Fantastic. How about dinner tonight? Quiet little French restaurant. (CONDUCTOR APPEARS.)

CONDUCTOR: Lonesome Polecat. Next stop is Lonesome Polecat.

JOE: Almost there.

SALLY: Conductor?

CONDUCTOR: Yes, miss?

SALLY: How far is it from the station to the town?

CONDUCTOR: There isn’t really a town. The community is scattered through the hills. But, as the crow flies, sixteen miles.

JOE: How far if the crow walked?

CONDUCTOR: (Flat.) Sixteen miles.

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JOE: (To SALLY.) No sense of humor.

SALLY: You noticed. (To CONDUCTOR.) How long will it take a taxi to get there?

CONDUCTOR: Taxi? There are no taxis in Lonesome Polecat. To be honest, not much of anything. We only stop for a few minutes. The station is a dropping-off place for mail and supplies for the general store and such. Very few visitors come to Lonesome Polecat. You’ll have to stick out your thumb and hope a truck comes along.

SALLY: I’m looking for some people called the Tollivers and the Calhouns. (JOE reacts.)

CONDUCTOR: Tollivers and Calhouns! I hope you got plenty of life insurance.

SALLY: Why do you say that?

CONDUCTOR: Bullets can ricochet. Watch yourself, miss. (Moves OFF, calling out.) Lonesome Polecat. Next stop is Lonesome Polecat. (He’s OUT. JOE is very curious.)

JOE: I seem to recognize those names. Tollivers and Calhouns.

SALLY: You probably read about them in “Strange But True.” (Indicates tabloid.) Feuding hillbillies. I’m signing them up for a book.

JOE: (Guardedly.) Book?

SALLY: My company is certain it’ll be a best-seller. Bandar Log Books, Incorporated. Ever heard of us?

JOE: (Uncomfortable.) Uh, no, no. I haven’t. I’m not much of a reader.

SALLY: Since we’re having dinner tonight, shouldn’t we introduce ourselves? (Smiles, holds out her hand.) I’m Sally Merriwether.

JOE: I’m, uh— (Afraid she might recognize his real name.) Dan Herrington. (They shake.)

SALLY: Nice meeting you, Dan. Y’know, to be perfectly honest, I was staring at you, too. You also look familiar. Do you have relatives in Lonesome Polecat? (He doesn’t dare tell her the truth.)

JOE: Relatives? No, no. No relatives.

SALLY: Then why are you going to Lonesome Polecat?

JOE: (Thinks, remembers what the CONDUCTOR said.) Insurance. I sell insurance. Life insurance.

SALLY: You’ll probably do well in the hills. All that fussin’ n’ feudin’.

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JOE: (Strained.) Hope to. (CONDUCTOR RETURNS, calls out.)

CONDUCTOR: Lonesome Polecat.

SALLY: Stay close, Dan. I have a feeling I might need some insurance.

JOE: (Hidden meaning.) Don’t worry. I won’t let you out of my sight.

CONDUCTOR: (Moving OFF.) All out for Lonesome Polecat.

(BLACKOUT.)

End Of Scene Two

Scene Three

SETTING: Lonesome Polecat. Midday.

In the BLACKOUT we continue to hear the VOICE OF THE CONDUCTOR calling out—”Polecat... Lonesome Polecat... All out for Lonesome Polecat...” This is followed by GIRLISH LAUGHTER from DOWN LEFT.

LIGHTS UP: Some teenage GIRLS ENTER. They are BIANCA, ESTHER, CHLOE and GRACE. They’re excited. Move CENTER.

BIANCA: I reckon I don’t know how the hayride is goin’ to turn out. If’n any boy tries to steal a kiss from me, I’m goin’ to toss him in the crik.

OTHERS: Creek.

BIANCA: That’s what I said. Crik. (Giggles.)

ESTHER: Boys sure is mighty scarce ’round these parts.

CHLOE: Scarce they may be, but I ain’t havin’ nothin’ to do with them Calhoun male critters. Bubba Calhoun says he don’t like to take a bath ’cuz the soap makes the water dirty. (Giggles.)

GRACE: And Goober Calhoun is plain peculiar. I told him a person could eat dirt cheap, and he ate some dirt. (Giggles.)

BIANCA: That would be truly horrible—one of us shy young things married to one of them horrible Calhoun boys.

OTHERS: The Calhouns—ugh.

ESTHER: ’Course that don’t include Lee Roy. He’s mighty nice.

CHLOE: Good-lookin’, too.

GRACE: Nice manners. Never picks his teeth with a knife. Always uses a fork.

ESTHER: Goober Calhoun’s got ten toes.

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GRACE: That’s what he’s supposed to have.

ESTHER: Six on one foot and four on the other? (Laughter.) ’Course them Tollivers ain’t much better when it comes to bein’ civilized.

BIANCA: I reckon them Calhoun boys is goin’ to die bachelors. Moldin’ in the grave never havin’ known the tenderness of the female embrace. (MR. DOGWEAZEL ENTERS UP RIGHT, mailbag over one shoulder.)

DOGWEAZEL: Mail! I got the mail! (LAURETTE ENTERS from the general store.)

LAURETTE: It’s Mr. Dogweazel! How do, Mr. Dogweazel.

DOGWEAZEL: How do, Miz Greenacre.

OTHERS: Mail! Mail! (ALL gather around DOGWEAZEL, jumping up and down trying to attract his attention. PAW CALHOUN, GOOBER and BUBBA, dragging rifles, ENTER from DOWN RIGHT, below boardinghouse.)

PAW CALHOUN: Hold on thar, gals!

ESTHER: Ugh. It’s the Calhouns. (OTHERS take a collective step back.)

OTHERS: Ugh.

PAW CALHOUN: We seen you comin’ up the trail, Dogweazel.

BUBBA: We’s expectin’ some mail. (MAW TOLLIVER, PETUNIA and DULCY ENTER DOWN LEFT, below the general store.)

MAW TOLLIVER: How do, Mr. Dogweazel.

DOGWEAZEL: Howdy, Maw. Ain’t got nothin’ fer you.

MAW TOLLIVER: Drat.

BIANCA: Ugh. It’s the Tollivers.

OTHERS: Ugh. (Another collective step back.)

DOGWEAZEL: No fussin’ n’ feudin’ when the mail comes in, Maw. You know the rules.

MAW TOLLIVER: Us Tollivers is peaceful mountain folk.

PETUNIA: It’s them Calhouns what causes all the agony.

BUBBA: Petunia Tolliver, you watch your words.

DULCY: I reckon she’d better. Otherwise, one of you Calhouns would steal ’em.

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PAW CALHOUN: Them’s fightin’ words! (He aims at the TOLLIVERS with his hunting rifle. BUBBA and GOOBER do likewise. MAW TOLLIVER takes aim. Ditto for PETUNIA and DULCY.)

OBIE: There’s goin’ to be a shootin’! Spread out! (OTHERS SCREAM and start to disperse to take cover. The exodus is interrupted by the SOUND OF POLICE WHISTLE. All stop, look UP RIGHT as SHERIFF DICKENS ENTERS. He takes DOWN CENTER.)

ESTHER: Lookee who’s here.

CHLOE: It’s Sheriff Dickens.

GRACE: From over in Bear Trap City. What brings you to Lonesome Polecat, lawman?

PAW CALHOUN: Put down them rifles, boys. We ain’t aimin’ fer trouble with the law. (BUBBA and GOOBER obey.)

MAW TOLLIVER: You gals do the same. (DULCY and PETUNIA comply.) It ain’t what you think, Sheriff. We was huntin’ possum.

GOOBER: We huntin’ wild turkey.

SHERIFF: Reckon I don’t have to remind you folks that feudin’s against the law.

PAW CALHOUN: We know, Sheriff.

MAW TOLLIVER: We’s law-abidin’. (CALHOUNS and TOLLIVERS turn aside and try not to laugh.)

EDNA: You come all this way to tell them Calhouns and Tollivers feudin’s agin’ the law?

SHERIFF: ’Course not. Got a call from New York City—

OTHERS: New York City!

OBIE: Who from, Sheriff?

SHERIFF: Magazine what calls itself “Strange But True.” They wants to know where they can find their editor, Rose Marie Murdock.

GRACE: She’s the lady what done wrote about our mountain feud.

SHERIFF: She’s missin’, all right. They suspects foul play.

RUBY: Who’s Foul Play?

EDNA: Obie took her to the station.

OBIE: No, I didn’t, Miz Tubbs. My jalopy broke down about three miles to the depot, and she said she’d walk the rest of the way.

DAGMAR: She was carrying a thousand dollar suitcase.

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OTHERS: A thousand dollars?!

SHERIFF: Hmmmmm. That’s a heap of money in these parts. Anyone know anything about this? (OTHERS shake their heads. PAW CALHOUN and his sons wildly shake their heads to the audience, denying any knowledge—which lets us know, at once, they know plenty.) I’ll be stayin’ in Lonesome Polecat overnight. See what I can find out. Can you take me in, Miz Tubbs?

EDNA: Sure thing, Sheriff.

DAGMAR: Every room’s empty.

GRACE: You couldn’t come at a better time, lawman.

SHERIFF: How so?

BUBBA: Tonight’s the Lonesome Polecat Annual Hayride.

SHERIFF: Seen one hayride, seen ’em all.

OBIE: That’s what you think! (MUSIC CUE 3: “Hee Haw Hayride.” During song, SHERIFF moves to the boardinghouse, observes.)

ALL CITIZENS: (Sing.) We’ll have a Hee Haw Hayride,Down the mountainside.We’re gonna give a whoop an’ celebrate.Ya-hoo! It’s a Hee Haw Hayride,Down the mountainside.Y’all come on now,Don’t be late.

FEMALE CRITTERS: (Sing.) We’ll be reddin’ up the table,Clearin’ off the grub.Lickin’ up the dishes,’N’ toss ’em in the tub.

MALE CRITTERS: (Sing.) Packin’ up the young-uns,Packin up the dawg.

FEMALE CRITTERS: (Sing.) I’m packin’ up some vittles.

ONE MAN: (Spoken in rhythm.) I’m packin’ up my hawg!

ALL CRITTERS: (Sing.) It’s a Hee Haw Hayride,Down the mountainside.We’re gonna give a whoop an’ celebrate.Ya-hoo! It’s a Hee Haw Hayride,Down the mountainside.Y’all come on now,Don’t be late.

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YOUNG FEMALE CRITTERS: (Sing.) I’m gettin’ gussied up ’n’ ready,Fer ridin’ with my guy.Wearin’ me my best dress,Bound t’ catch his eye.

YOUNG MALE CRITTERS: (Sing.)I’ll be washin’ up with real soap,Cleanin’ off my duds.Chewin’ off my toenails,(Spoken in rhythm.) Wipin’ off the mud.


MALE CRITTERS: (Sing.) Granny’s ridin’ shotgun,Mama’s in the back.Papa’s on the buckboard,Havin’ him a snack.

FEMALE CRITTERS: (Sing.) Grampa’s got the reins,An’ he’s drivin’ up a storm.Young-uns crawlin’ in the hay,

ONE WOMAN: (Speaks in rhythm.) Set on keepin’ warm.


SHERIFF: (Speaks; sarcastic.) Pshaw! Why the last hayride I went on, there were so many skeeters, I like t’got bit t’death! (Spoken in rhythm.) Why I had... Skeeters in my ears.Skeeters in my nose.Skeeters in my mouth.Skeeters ’tween my toesSkeeters in my face.Skeeters in my hair.Skeeters in my drawers.Skeeters ever’where!

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ALL CRITTERS: (To SHERIFF, speak in rhythm.) Aw, heshup!(Sing.) It’s a Hee Haw Hayride,Down the mountainside.We’re gonna give a whoop an’ celebrate.Ya-hoo! It’s a Hee Haw Hayride,Down the mountainside.Y’all come on now,Don’t be late.Y’all come on now, don’t be late!Y’all come on now, don’t be late!Ya-hoo!

EDNA: (At end of song.) I hope you like your vittles spicy, Sheriff Dickens. I’m tryin’ out a new recipe. Leg of squirrel swimmin’ in mustard juice and vinegar.

PAW CALHOUN: That’s what I calls tangy.

BUBBA/GOOBER: Mighty tangy, Paw. (JOE and SALLY APPEAR from UP LEFT. They are completely exhausted, dehydrated. Each carries a piece of luggage which appears to weigh a ton. JOE carries his jacket over his shoulder, and SALLY looks about to pass out.)

OBIE: Look, Maw!

LAURETTE: I declare. Tourists.

OTHERS: Tourists! (MOB separates as poor JOE and SALLY stagger DOWN CENTER. JOE collapses face down on the ground. SALLY sets down her luggage, sits. Fans herself. ONLOOKERS, curious, rudely stare.)

SALLY: I hope this is Lonesome Polecat. We... can’t... go... any... further.

BIANCA: They’s plumb tuckered out.

GOOBER: Most tourist folk is puny.

JOE: (With great effort, lifts his head from the ground. Manages—) Water. (Passes out.)

SALLY: Water.

EDNA: Dagmar, fetch these folks some water. Use the inside pump. The water don’t come out so muddy.

DAGMAR: Sure thing, Maw. (EXITS to boardinghouse.)

PAW CALHOUN: This trip to town was a waste of time. ’Sides, I don’t cotton to outsiders. Come on, boys, let’s git back to our side of the holler.

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GOOBER: I sure hates to turn my back on them Tollivers, Paw. No tellin’ what they might do.

SALLY: (Springs alert.) Tolliver?!

DULCY: Maw, you hear what Goober Calhoun jus’ said?

MAW TOLLIVER: ’Course I did.

SALLY: Calhoun!

MAW TOLLIVER: I considers the source. You do the same.

DULCY/PETUNIA: Yes, Maw. (CALHOUNS move OFF, DOWN RIGHT. TOLLIVERS move OFF, DOWN LEFT.)

EDNA: I reckon you folks will be wantin’ a place to stay.

SALLY: Anyplace where I can put my head on a pillow. It’s a long hot walk from the depot.

EDNA: Obie, help the nice lady with her suitcase.

OBIE: Always a pleasure to strut my manners. (He quickly picks up SALLY’S luggage and EXITS to boardinghouse.)

EDNA: The rest of you people, what are you standin’ around fer? Ain’t polite. Go about your business.

SHERIFF: You heard the lady. (The CITIZENS disperse, using various EXITS. EDNA helps SALLY to the boardinghouse.)

EDNA: You’ll feel much better, child, after you’ve washed your face in some cool, refreshin’ water.

SALLY: You’re very kind.

EDNA: ’Tain’t nothin’. What’s your name?

SALLY: Sally. Sally Merriwether.

EDNA: I’m Edna Tubbs. I surely hopes you like leg of squirrel.

SALLY: Leg of squirrel? What’s that supposed to mean? (The LIGHTS BEGIN TO DIM as SALLY and EDNA EXIT inside. Only JOE is left ONSTAGE at this point. Everyone has forgotten about him. With great effort, he lifts his head.)

JOE: (To no one in particular.) Water... water... water... (He passes out again, this time with a groan. LIGHTS TO BLACK.)

End Of Scene Three

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Scene Four

SETTING: The CALHOUN cabin, EXTREME DOWN RIGHT (FORESTAGE). Suggested by a rocker or dilapidated chair.

ROSE MARIE’S VOICE: (From OFFSTAGE.) You’re never going to get away with this! You’re all going to jail! I’ll see to it!

PAW CALHOUN’S VOICE: Ah, hush up. You talk too much. (PAW CALHOUN ENTERS and steps to LEFT of chair.) All city people talk too much. Can’t abide too much talk. (ROSE MARIE ENTERS in a distraught state. GOOBER is holding on to her arm, but we can see her hands are tied behind her back.)

GOOBER: Here she be, Paw.

PAW CALHOUN: Set her down. Time fer her vittles. We ain’t aimin’ to have her turn to skin and bones. (GOOBER guides her into the chair.)

ROSE MARIE: Mr. Calhoun, I beg you, please let me go.

PAW CALHOUN: I already told you a hundred times, Miss Rose Marie Murdock. You ain’t goin’ nowhere ’til I git my picture of Shirley Temple with her paw mark in one corner.

ROSE MARIE: But, Mr. Calhoun, I phoned my office and requested them to mail the photo on to you.

PAW CALHOUN: That’s fine.

ROSE MARIE: (Hopeful.) Then you’ll let me go?

PAW CALHOUN: You can go—

ROSE MARIE: (Relieved.) Oh, thank you!

PAW CALHOUN: —when Dogweazel delivers me that picture. I don’t trust you city gals.

ROSE MARIE: (Loses her temper.) You uncouth hillbilly! (On the word “hillbilly,” PAW CALHOUN freezes in place. His face is a mask of fury, he holds his hands like claws, and he hisses through his teeth. He makes terrible sounds, like a wild, caged animal. GOOBER is shaking in fear.)

GOOBER: Uh oh! (To ROSE MARIE.) Now you done it.

ROSE MARIE: Done what?

GOOBER: You said THAT word. H-I-L-B-I-L-Y.

ROSE MARIE: That’s not how you spell hillbilly. (PAW CALHOUN practically explodes.)

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GOOBER: (Calls OFFSTAGE.) Bubba! I need help! (PAW CALHOUN is huffing and puffing, louder and louder.) Paw hates THAT word. It makes him crazy. Last time he heard it, he tore the cabin apart. Everybody knows you can’t say that word ’round Paw. If’n you do, destruction follows. (BUBBA runs IN.)

BUBBA: What’s wrong, Goober?

ROSE MARIE: (Innocently.) I said THAT word.

BUBBA: Oh, no!

GOOBER: Help me, Bubba. Otherwise, there goes the cabin again. Includin’ the roof. (As PAW CALHOUN huffs and puffs, his fury growing fiercer and fiercer, GOOBER and BUBBA rush to him and attempt to placate him.)

GOOBER/BUBBA: No, Paw!Keep calm, Paw!Don’t tear up the cabin, Paw!It’s all we got to live in!

PAW CALHOUN: (Wild-eyed.) I’m a-goin’ to kill somethin’. Fetch me a Tolliver.

ROSE MARIE: Stop this nonsense at once. If you won’t do it for me, think of Shirley Temple. (The name has a soothing effect on PAW CALHOUN. He begins to calm down.)

PAW CALHOUN: (Mesmerized by the name.) Shirley Temple.

ROSE MARIE: Imagine what she’d think if she saw you like this.

PAW CALHOUN: (Dreamily.) Shirley Temple. (PAW CALHOUN calms down completely, smiles stupidly.)

GOOBER: You done good, Miz Murdock. I’ll fetch in your vittles. (He runs OUT.)

ROSE MARIE: (To BUBBA.) No more “vittles,” please. My nervous stomach can’t tolerate your mountain cooking.

PAW CALHOUN: (Staring off into space.) I liked that Shirley Temple since the first time I seed her.

ROSE MARIE: That must have been some time ago, Mr. Calhoun.

PAW CALHOUN: Don’t need you to remind me! (GOOBER runs back IN with a tin plate with a spoon on it.)

GOOBER: I cooked up a mess of boiled chicken feet with molasses. (ROSE MARIE makes an awful sound, puffs out her cheeks. She

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may become ill.) You take it, Bubba. I’ll fetch in the jug. (BUBBA takes the plate and spoon. GOOBER runs OUT. BUBBA begins to feed ROSE MARIE, who does her best to resist.)

PAW CALHOUN: The sheriff is lookin’ fer you.

ROSE MARIE: Thank goodness.

PAW CALHOUN: ’Course you don’t have to leave Lonesome Polecat, even if’n the sheriff finds you. You could stay and marry one of my boys. Local gals don’t cotton to my boys, for some reason.

ROSE MARIE: (Forced to take a spoonful.) I can’t imagine why. Your sons are so... uh, uh, colorful.

BUBBA: Can I marry her, Paw?

ROSE MARIE: (Lies.) I’m already married.

PAW CALHOUN: It’s times like this I miss my departed wife.

ROSE MARIE: Has she been dead long?

PAW CALHOUN: She ain’t dead. She jus’ departed. (GOOBER runs IN with a ceramic jug.)

GOOBER: Here’s the jug, Paw. You want a swig?

PAW CALHOUN: Where’s your manners? Ladies first.

ROSE MARIE: No, no, really, I couldn’t. (GOOBER forces the jug to her lips and she swallows, the contents dribbling down her chin. GOOBER pulls away the jug, and ROSE MARIE looks like a zombie, eyes about to pop, mouth open.)

PAW CALHOUN: I ain’t aimin’ to be disagreeable. You can go when my picture of Shirley Temple gits here.

ROSE MARIE: That could take a month.

PAW CALHOUN: Then I reckon you’re here in the hills fer a month. (ROSE MARIE wails.)

GOOBER: We ain’t got nothin’ fer dessert, Miz Murdock.

ROSE MARIE: (Numb.) Don’t bother to give a rain check. (Another spoonful. More from the jug.)

PAW CALHOUN: (Bewildered, out to audience. Scratches his head.) I can’t seem to remember rightly. Wuz it a picture of Shirley Temple I wanted or wuz it a picture of Raquel Welch? (BLACKOUT. Note: strike chair.)

End Of Scene Four

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Scene Five

SETTING: Lonesome Polecat. Late in the afternoon.

LIGHTS UP: SOFT LIGHTS on in the general store and in the boardinghouse. The stage picture is romantic. OBIE sits in front of the general store shaping a piece of wood with a knife. He softly hums a bit of “Fussin’ an’ a-Feudin’” song. SALLY ENTERS from the boardinghouse. She holds a slim briefcase. She’s completely recovered from her walk from the depot. She enjoys the night and takes in a deep breath. JOE ENTERS from the boardinghouse. He, too, is fully recovered.

SALLY: Don’t see stars like that over Manhattan. Isn’t it a lovely night, Dan?

JOE: Sure is. Only when I suggested a quiet little French restaurant, I didn’t mean a boardinghouse with the bathroom out back. And I most certainly didn’t mean leg of squirrel.

SALLY: When in Rome— (LEE ROY and EMMY LOU cautiously ENTER from DOWN LEFT. They look around to make certain no relatives are in sight.)

EMMY LOU: (Pointing to SALLY and JOE.) That must be them, Lee Roy. They sure ain’t from Lonesome Polecat.

LEE ROY: Best to make haste. (They cross for the boardinghouse.)

OBIE: Howdy, Lee Roy. Howdy, Emmy Lou. You ain’t plannin’ to be seen together at the hayride, I hopes.

EMMY LOU: Pretend you ain’t seen us, Obie.

LEE ROY: ’Cuse us. Is you the folks from New York City?

JOE: What can we do for you?

LEE ROY: I be Lee Roy Calhoun and this here is Emmy Lou Tolliver.

SALLY: I read about you in “Strange But True.” You’re the Romeo and Juliet of the hills!

LEE ROY/EMMY LOU: Huh?

JOE: What’s on your mind, kids?

EMMY LOU: When you ride back to New York City in your automobile, can we ride along with you?

LEE ROY: We plans to git hitched, but we can’t do it here in the hills.

JOE: We’d be glad to let you ride along, only we don’t have an automobile.

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EMMY LOU: I thought all city folks had automobiles.

SALLY: Not New Yorkers. We take the subway.

LEE ROY: What’s a subway?

OBIE: If’n I was you two, I wouldn’t hang around. Leastways not together.

EMMY LOU: Obie’s right. (EMMY LOU and LEE ROY begin to walk CENTER.)

SALLY: Nice kids.

JOE: Yeah.

SALLY: I wonder how they’d react if I told them they might end up in a book?

EMMY LOU: Sometimes, Lee Roy, bein’ in love seems more trouble than it’s worth.

LEE ROY: Don’t say that, Emmy Lou. Never say that. Love is somethin’ special. (CIRCLE OF STAGE LIGHT around the young lovers. MUSIC CUE 4: “Love Is Somethin’ Special To Me.” Sings.)Whenever I hear the sounds o’ springtime, I feel tinglin’ deep inside.And in the summer I gits pleasure,Just to know yer by my side.When the leaves fall and the wind blows,I can feel yer mountain charm.And in the winter by a fire,I will hold you in my arms.I git so tongue-tied, feel my heart beat,I gits love-sick as a hound.I git so crazy, girl, it’s plain to see,Love is somethin’ special to me.

EMMY LOU: (Speaks.) Oh, Lee Roy, you always have a way o’ makin’ things better. I reckon that’s why I cares about ya. (Sings.)I’m bound to wed you,Bound to love you,I’m bound to raise me up a clan.I gits this feelin’, I’ll tell ya truly,You will always be my man.I feel yer sunshine in the daytime,Dream about you in the night.I git so crazy, boy, it’s plain to see,Love is somethin’ special to me.

LEE ROY: (Sings.) I git so tongue-tied, feel my heart beat.

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EMMY LOU: (Sings.) I dream about you in the night.

LEE ROY/EMMY LOU: (Sing.) I git so crazy, guess it’s plain to see, Love is somethin’ special to me.

EMMY LOU: (Sings.) Love is somethin’ special...

LEE ROY: (Sings.) Love is somethin’ special...

EMMY LOU/LEE ROY: (Sing.) Love is somethin’ special to me. (At the ballad’s conclusion, the CIRCLE OF STAGE LIGHT FADES, and EMMY LOU and LEE ROY EXIT DOWN LEFT, hand-in-hand. Or EMMY LOU might walk with her head on LEE ROY’S shoulder.)

SALLY: We’ve got to find some way to help those kids, Dan.

JOE: What do you mean—we?

SALLY: Doesn’t young love tug at your heart? Don’t tell me you’re a cynic?

JOE: I believe what they were singing about—love is special.

SALLY: (Holds up briefcase.) I can see you’re the sensitive type. I think I’ll visit the Tollivers and see if I can get a signature. (JOE most definitely does not want her signing up anyone.)

JOE: No, no, no. Plenty of time in the morning. Tell you what. You wait here at the boardinghouse, and I’ll take you on that hayride they’re having.

SALLY: Where are you going?

JOE: The Calhouns live close. I’ll see if I can sell them that life insurance policy.

SALLY: I’ll come along with you. I’d like to see you in action.

JOE: It would only bore you. I’ll be back in an hour, and then it’s—Hee Haw Hayride. (He moves OFF, DOWN RIGHT, below the boardinghouse.)

OBIE: (Moves CENTER.) If’n I wuz you, lady, I wouldn’t get mixed up with Lee Roy and Emmy Lou.

SALLY: I want to get mixed up with Lee Roy and Emmy Lou. That’s why I came here. (Checks wristwatch.) How far to the Tollivers?

OBIE: (Points UP RIGHT.) It ain’t far. You can be there in ten minutes. Look fer the yard with the hound dogs. Maw Tolliver dotes on them long-ears.

SALLY: I have plenty of time. I’ll be back before Dan returns. Thanks for your help, young man.

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OBIE: Name’s Obie.

SALLY: (EXITING UP LEFT.) Obie. (As she EXITS, she happily hums a few lines of “Love is Somethin’ Special to Me.”)

LAURETTE’S VOICE: (From inside general store.) OOOOOOOBIE!

OBIE: Comin’, Maw. (He EXITS to general store. LIGHTS FADE. As soon as STAGE is BLACK, we hear the LOUD YAPPING OF HOUND DOGS from EXTREME DOWN LEFT, FORESTAGE.)

End Of Scene Five

Scene Six

SETTING: The TOLLIVER cabin, EXTREME DOWN LEFT (FORESTAGE). Suggested by a rocker or dilapidated chair. The SOUND OF YAPPING HOUND DOGS CARRIES OVER into the beginning of the scene.

LIGHTS UP: MAW TOLLIVER is discovered in the chair, a corncob pipe stuck in her mouth. The YAPPING RISES IN VOLUME. MAW TOLLIVER takes the pipe from her mouth.

MAW TOLLIVER: Hush, you puppies. (More YAPPING.) Hush up! (More YAPPING.) I said hush, puppies! (YAPPING SUBSIDES suddenly.) That’s better.

PETUNIA’S VOICE: Maw! Maw!

MAW TOLLIVER: Now you hush up, Petunia. All this yapping and hollerin’ is wearin’ me out. (PETUNIA runs IN.)

PETUNIA: I’s all purt’ed up fer the hayride. How does I look? (PETUNIA wears the same dress we first saw her in. “Dressin’ up” consists of having LARGE ribboned bows in her hair and one huge bow pinned to the back of her dress. She spins around.)

MAW TOLLIVER: Like that thar Cindy Eller gal goin’ to the ball.

PETUNIA: I’s sure some handsome male critter will notice me.

MAW TOLLIVER: Don’t sees how he can miss you. Not in them ribbons and bows.

DULCY: (Running IN.) Maw! Maw! How’s I look? (Same dress. Even bigger bows in her hair and on her backside than PETUNIA.)

MAW TOLLIVER: Mighty fetchin’, Dulcy.

DULCY: I took a bathin’ in the crik and poured a whole bottle of strawberry preserves over my head. Don’t I smell sweet? (Bends so MAW TOLLIVER can get a whiff.) Smellin’ like I does, I’s bound to attract fellas.

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MAW TOLLIVER: Or mosquitos. I think you went a li’l too heavy on them preserves. (SALLY ENTERS.)

SALLY: Excuse me.

PETUNIA: Look, Maw. It’s that city gal. (DULCY and PETUNIA step RIGHT of chair.)

SALLY: I hope I’m not intruding. My name is Sally Merriwether. I own Bandar Log Books, Incorporated. We’d like to do a book about you.

OTHERS: Book?

DULCY: What’s she talkin’ about, Maw?

MAW TOLLIVER: How should I know? (Stands, indicates chair.) Set yourself down, missy.

SALLY: Thank you. (SALLY sits.)

PETUNIA: What kind of book?

SALLY: (Opens briefcase.) All about your mountain feud with the Calhouns. If you sign with Bandar Log Books, Incorporated, you’ll receive a share of all profits, and you’ll be famous.

PETUNIA/DULCY: Famous!

SALLY: Naturally, there’ll be an advance.

DULCY: Advance?

SALLY: Money.

MAW TOLLIVER: How much?

SALLY: Twenty-five thousand dollars.

DULCY/PETUNIA: Twenty-five thousand dollars!

MAW TOLLIVER: Didn’t know thar wuz that much money in the whole world.

SALLY: Believe me, there is. And more. (EMMY LOU ENTERS.)

EMMY LOU: Howdy, Maw. Petunia. Dulcy.

PETUNIA: This lady wants to give us twenty-five thousand dollars.

EMMY LOU: (Indifferent.) That’s mighty nice. I reckon.

DULCY: Is that all you can say, sister?

MAW TOLLIVER: You ain’t still thinkin’ about Lee Roy, is you? ’Cause if’n you is, it ain’t comin’ to nothin’.

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SALLY: That’s the sort of thing we want to put in the book. Mountain conflict versus young love. (Legal document.) If you’ll sign on the dotted line.

MAW TOLLIVER: Why should I?

SALLY: For one thing, you’ll be able to leave the hills. Move to the city.

DULCY/PETUNIA: Leave the hills?

MAW TOLLIVER: Why would we want to leave the hills?

SALLY: Why would you want to stay?

MAW TOLLIVER: Lots of reasons. I wuz in a city once. Didn’t care fer it. Too noisy, too many people. Too much rushin’ this a-way and that a-way. No one takin’ time to smell the flowers and such. Money means trouble.

PETUNIA: Maw knows best.

SALLY: I’m not only talkin’ about money, Mrs. Tolliver. I’m talkin’ about literature. (SALLY holds out the legal document. MAW takes the document from SALLY, who is elated.)

MAW TOLLIVER: Take a deep breath honey. (SALLY does.) All’s I need is this sweet country life. Money brings nothin’ but trouble. (With a wide smile on her face, MAW TOLLIVER rips the document in two. SALLY lets out her held breath.)

End Of Scene Six

(Note: Strike chair.)

Scene Seven

SETTING: Lonesome Polecat. Sundown.

LIGHTS UP: CITIZENS wander INTO VIEW, stop and converse. The TEENAGE GIRLS are clustered CENTER, in a huddle. They’re dressed prettily. Bows, ribbons, etc. They giggle and pull apart. Each holds a straw.

CHLOE: Lookee here! I got the longest straw from the broom!

ESTHER: That means you get to ask any fella you want to go on the hayride with you.

GRACE: Who’s it goin’ to be, Chloe? One of them Calhoun boys? (Laughter.)

ESTHER: Will it be Goober or Bubba? (More laughter. OBIE ENTERS DOWN LEFT.)

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BIANCA: How about Obie? (OBIE stops dead in his tracks. All of a sudden CHLOE commences to chasing OBIE, who flees frantically OFF DOWN RIGHT. All the girls follow, giggling. EDNA and DAGMAR ENTER from the boardinghouse. They carry large picnic baskets. SHERIFF follows behind them.)

EDNA: We packed enuff vittles to satisfy the whole county.

DOGWEAZEL: What’s the raffle prize this year?

DAGMAR: Maw’s putting up her apple crumb cake.

LAURETTE: I’m donatin’ a small barrel of imported pickles. They’s all the way from Dead Hawk Junction. (The TEENAGE GIRLS RE-ENTER HURRIEDLY FROM UP RIGHT. OBIE, who has eluded them, FOLLOWS ON FROM UP RIGHT.)

SHERIFF: Well, y’all relax and have yourselves a nice time.

OBIE: That’s what the hayride is all about.

OTHERS: A nice time. (GIRLS realize it was OBIE who spoke, and all yell and crown around him.)

SHERIFF: Girls, girls! Leave poor Obie alone. (GIRLS disperse.)

OBIE: Thankee, Sheriff. (JOE ENTERS from DOWN RIGHT. Behind him are PAW TOLLIVER, BUBBA and GOOBER. They’re slapping JOE on the back. As soon as they ENTER, MAW TOLLIVER APPEARS from DOWN LEFT. Behind her are DULCY and PETUNIA. SALLY FOLLOWS behind. The girls pinch their cheeks, hoping to look their best.)

PAW CALHOUN: You’re a good man to know, Joe.

BUBBA/GOOBER: Mighty good.

SHERIFF: I don’t want any trouble tonight. Especially from you Calhouns and Tollivers.

BUBBA: We’s feelin’ too good to make trouble, Sheriff. Even with them Tollivers. We’s high society now.

GOOBER: We’s goin’ to travel in the best circles.

MAW TOLLIVER: Paw, what’s your ornery boy talkin’ ’bout?

PAW CALHOUN: Us Calhouns is goin’ to be rich.

OTHERS: Rich!

BUBBA: Richer than that ol’ King Midas.

GOOBER: We signed us a contract with Mr. Joe Martin here. He’s goin’ to put us in a book—

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BUBBA: —a motion picture show, maybe—

PAW CALHOUN: And such. (SALLY is stunned.)

SALLY: Joe Martin?! (She crosses to JOE. OTHERS stare, fascinated.) You told me your name was Dan Herrington.

JOE: Well, I, that is, uh—

SALLY: Insurance salesman, huh?

JOE: Well, I, that is, uh—

SALLY: I know the name Joe Martin. Panda Publishing. What a dirty trick! And to think I liked you.

JOE: Give me a chance to explain.

SALLY: Explain this. (With that, she slams her foot down on his instep. He grabs his foot and hops about.)

JOE: Ow! Ow! Ow!

DOGWEAZEL: She’s got plenty of spunk fer a city gal. (SALLY pushes JOE aside and hurries OUT to boardinghouse. JOE continues to hop about.)

JOE: Ow! Ow! Ow! Sally, let me explain. Give me a chance. (He EXITS to boardinghouse.)

PAW CALHOUN: (To MAW TOLLIVER.) When we’s rich and famous, we’ll come ’n’ visit you.

BUBBA: It’ll be like visitin’ poor relations.

GOOBER: You Tollivers will be good fer a laff. (CALHOUNS laugh wildly.)

MAW TOLLIVER: Good for a laff? (Furious, rolling up her sleeve.) Fetch me my huntin’ rifle. Them’s fightin’ words.

DULCY: (Runs OUT.) Yes, Maw.

PAW CALHOUN: Bubba.

BUBBA: I’ll fetch it, Paw. (BUBBA runs OUT.)

SHERIFF: You know the law!

MAW TOLLIVER: The law? Never heard of it.

PAW CALHOUN: Lessin’ it’s the law of the hills. (DULCY runs back IN with rifle.)

DULCY: Here’s your huntin’ rifle, Maw.

MAW TOLLIVER: Obliged. (MAW TOLLIVER takes it. ONLOOKERS are frozen in place, fearful. BUBBA runs back IN with rifle.)

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BUBBA: Here’s your huntin’ rifle, Paw.

PAW CALHOUN: Obliged.

OBIE: Spread out! (EVERYONE begins to run for safety, some STAGE RIGHT and some STAGE LEFT. Some into general store and some into boardinghouse. During the commotion, SALLY ENTERS from the boardinghouse. Some jump from the STAGE and run up the AISLES. Rifle-itchy for trouble, PAW CALHOUN advances menacingly on MAW TOLLIVER. BUBBA and GOOBER behind him. Rifle-ready, MAW TOLLIVER advances menacingly on PAW CALHOUN. PETUNIA and DULCY behind her. MAW and PAW are about to meet face-to-face and everyone’s diving for cover. MAW and PAW level their rifles at each other and are about to shoot, when they are interrupted by the SOUND OF AN AUTOMOBILE HORN. EVERYONE freezes. MAW and PAW raise their rifles and inspect them, then lower them to shoot again. SOUND OF AUTOMOBILE HORN. MAW and PAW raise their rifles. SHERRI GORDON and IRIS HUTTON ENTER, UP LEFT. Both are costumed expensively and with considerable theatrical flair, including sunglasses. They definitely are fish out of water. SHERRI steps between MAW and PAW. [NOTE: For an alternative to the entrance of SHERRI and IRIS, consult PRODUCTION NOTES.] Both SHERRI and IRIS are Hollywood executive types—demanding, irritating, superior and always trying to control everything.)

SHERRI: Can either of you tell me if there is an inn or a decent motel nearby?

MAW TOLLIVER: All we gots is the boardinghouse.

SHERRI: Where is it? (ALL point to the boardinghouse. SHERRI turns to look. PAW taps SHERRI on her shoulder.)

PAW CALHOUN: Howdy, ma’am. Name’s Calhoun.

IRIS: (Recognizing the name, but very leery of PAW.) Calhoun? One of the fussing and feuding Calhouns?

PAW CALHOUN: I has the honor to be me. (Whips off his battered hat and bows. SHERRI produces the tabloid.)

SHERRI: Marvelous story about you in “Strange But True.” Now that I see you, I realize this newspaper is aptly named. You are definitely strange.

IRIS: But true.

PAW CALHOUN: (Grabs the tabloid.) All about me, huh?

IRIS: About you and the Tollivers and your ancient family feud.

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PAW CALHOUN: Sure wish I could read.

MAW TOLLIVER: (Taps on SHERRI’S shoulder.) Mighty pleased to meet ya, ma’am. Name’s Maw Tolliver. (Extends her hand. SHERRI looks at it warily.)

SHERRI: (Shaking MAW’S hand with only two fingers.) Charmed, I’m sure. (Removes sunglasses.) Let’s cut to the chase. I’m Sherri Gordon. I’m a producer at Wunderbar Studios in Hollywood.

OTHERS: Hollywood!

IRIS: California.

OTHERS: Californy!

SHERRI: This is Iris Hutton. The greatest idea woman in Tinseltown. I wouldn’t make a film without her. Hit it, Iris.

IRIS: (Becomes expansive, physical, pitching her idea.) I see billboards with pictures of mountains and hills. I see hunting dogs with their tongues hanging out and their hind legs scratching fleas. I see calico and bonnets. I see bare feet and romance. I see gun smoke and slabs of bacon. I see woodsy trails and wooden cabins.

GOOBER: She must have purty good eyesight, Paw.

IRIS: Naturally, we’ll have to punch up the story line and come up with a good title. Not to worry.

SHERRI: We have the perfect title.

SALLY: “Romeo and Juliet of the Hills”?

SHERRI: “Romeo and Juliet of the Hills”?

IRIS: You’ve got to be kidding. (MUSIC CUE 5: “Rockabilly Lullaby.” As the MUSIC STARTS, other CITIZENS of Lonesome Polecat wander IN, attracted by these latest arrivals and their plans to immortalize the feud. JOE ENTERS from boardinghouse.)

SHERRI: (Sings.)Hey, hey, write about it.Hey, hey, scream and shout it.Hey, hey, can’t fail, honey.Hey, hey, we’ll make money.Give me lights, camera, action,Hold that spot for a coming attraction.Romeo and Juliet, girl meets guy,A rockabilly, rockabilly lullaby!

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IRIS/SALLY: (Sing.)Hey, hey, sign that story.Hey, hey, grab that glory.Hey, hey, it’s bound to click.Hey, hey, they’ll love this flick.

SHERRI: (Sings.) We’ll start filming on location,A Romeo and Juliet adaptation.

IRIS/SALLY: (Sing.) A mountain romance sure to fly,

SHERRI/IRIS/SALLY: (Sing.) A rockabilly, rockabilly lullaby!

SHERRI/IRIS/SALLY: (Sing.) JOE/CITIZENS: (Sing)A rockabilly lullaby is here. Rock, rockabilly, Rock, rockabilly, Rockabilly, rockabilly, Rock, rockabilly,This mountain Romeo and Rock, rockabilly, Rock, rockabilly, Rock!Juliet will set the world on fire.

MALE CRITTER: (Speaks.) Make me perspire! (DANCE INTERLUDE with hoots and hollers.)

ALL: (Sing.) Rockabilly, rockabilly lullaby!Hey, hey, write about it.Hey, hey, scream and shout it.Hey, hey, can’t fail, honey.Hey, hey, we’ll make money.

SHERRI/IRIS/SALLY: (Sing.) Start the feudin’, start the fightin’.Scratchin’, kickin’, punchin’, bitin’.Got a story sure to fly.

ALL: (Sing.) A rockabilly, rockabilly lullaby.Rockabilly, rockabilly, rockabilly rock!Rockabilly, rockabilly, lullaby,Rockabilly, rockabilly, rockabilly, rock!A rockabilly, rockabilly, lullaby!

SHERRI: (At end of song.) You go in and order lunch, Iris. I’ll have the sushi and a small green salad. No dressing.

OTHERS: No dressin’!

SHERRI: I want a few words with Mr. Calhoun.

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IRIS: (Crosses for boardinghouse.) I hope we don’t have to stay too long. I’m allergic to fresh air. (EXITS to boardinghouse. EDNA FOLLOWS. JOE moves swiftly to SHERRI, hand extended for a shake.)

JOE: Put it there, Sherri. Long time no see. (Instead of using her hand, SHERRI shakes with her sunglasses.)

SHERRI: You must be an agent. Your eyes have the hungry look.

JOE: Martin. Joe Martin. Panda Press. We sold you that book about Toulouse-Lautrec’s twin brother.

SHERRI: Ah, yes. Now I remember you. I’m going to film that book one of these days. We’re waiting until Arnold Schwarzenegger’s available. (ONLOOKERS hang on every word, overly curious.)

JOE: “Rockabilly Lullaby” will make a great film. Too bad you weren’t here just a bit earlier. Plenty of excitement.

SHERRI: What kind of excitement?

DAGMAR: Our Annual Lonesome Polecat Hee Haw Hayride was ruined on account of some fussin’ n’ feudin’. ’Tain’t fair.

SHERRI: (Suspicious.) Joe Martin... What are you doing here?

JOE: (Gung-ho.) If you want this story for a film, you’ll have to talk with me.

SHERRI: (Knows what that means.) I take it you’ve sewn up the rights.

JOE: That I have.

SHERRI: Smart boy. I should have gotten here sooner.

JOE: I think we can work something out.

SHERRI: You have all rights?

JOE: Inclusive and exclusive.

SHERRI: The Calhouns and the Tollivers?

JOE: I have the Calhouns. (Points.) The Tollivers are just a question of time.

DULCY: Maw, did you hear what he said? We’s jus’ a question of time.

MAW TOLLIVER: Hush up, Dulcy. (MAW TOLLIVER steps to SHERRI.) This young fella ain’t doin’ no business with me.

SHERRI: Why not?

PETUNIA: ’Cause he already done business with the Calhouns.

JOE: Now, now, Mrs. Tolliver, let’s talk this over.

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MAW TOLLIVER: Miss Merriwether! (SALLY steps forward.)

SALLY: Yes, Maw?

MAW TOLLIVER: If’n you still wants me to sign that contract, I’ll do it.

SALLY: That’s wonderful, Maw! I have an extra contract in my room.

MAW TOLLIVER: What are you waitin’ fer? Fetch it out.

SALLY: Oh, thank you, Maw. (SALLY starts for the boardinghouse, thinks of something. Turns back.) I’m Sally Merriwether, Miss Gordon. Bandar Log Books. I’m sure we can work out a deal. (SALLY hurries OUT to boardinghouse.)

JOE: I’ll double her offer, Maw.

MAW TOLLIVER: Money ain’t nothin’ but trouble.

SHERRI: What a novel idea.

MAW TOLLIVER: I ain’t lettin’ them Calhouns be one up on me.

SHERRI: Seems you don’t have an exclusive after all.

JOE: I’ll work on it. (JOE hurries out into the boardinghouse after SALLY.)

SHERRI: (Calling after JOE.) Do.

GOOBER: Does you know Shirley Temple?

SHERRI: Pardon?

BUBBA: Paw dotes on Shirley Temple.

SHERRI: How bizarre.

PAW CALHOUN: Does I gets to be in the movin’ picture show?

SHERRI: I think that’s an excellent idea. Using an authentic hillbilly.

PAW CALHOUN: Hillbilly!!! (CITIZENS freeze. They know that word will send PAW CALHOUN into a murderous rage and they want no part of it. CITIZENS, including the TOLLIVERS, begin to sneak OFF, tippy-toe. SHERRI doesn’t understand, looks LEFT and RIGHT.)

SHERRI: Where is everyone going? Is something wrong? Something I said? (PAW CALHOUN is going into his beast transformation. Same as in Scene Four. He huffs and puffs. Looks like a gorilla lifting weights. He truly is terrifying. Poor SHERRI still has no idea what’s happening.) If I offended anyone, I apologize. (Nervously.) I’m not used to your ignorant customs. (Fishes out a candy roll.) Would anyone care for a breath mint? (Shaking.) Mr. Buffoon? I mean Calhoun. Breath mint? (We see the heads of CITIZENS peeking in from OFFSTAGE, on guard.)

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PAW CALHOUN: Auuuuuuugh! You said that word! That word I hates.

SHERRI: Hillbilly? (That does it. PAW CALHOUN explodes.)

PAW CALHOUN: AUUUUUUUGH! (PAW CHASES SHERRI and IRIS OFF DOWN LEFT as SALLY marches IN from the boardinghouse. JOE is fast on her heels.)

SALLY: I’d appreciate it if you stopped following me everywhere I go.

JOE: Give me a chance to explain. (They stop.)

SALLY: There’s nothing to explain. You’re a dishonest person. Deceitful and unscrupulous.

JOE: That’s cold, Sally. You were after the same thing.

SALLY: I admitted it. I didn’t pretend I was someone else. (Scoffs.) Dan Herrington. Insurance salesman.

JOE: I admit I’ve got the killer instinct. But there’s more to it than that. Panda Publishing has to have this book. Otherwise, we’re out of business. I’m trying to save my company. I’m trying to save jobs.

SALLY: You expect me to believe that?

JOE: It’s the truth.

SALLY: A likely story.

JOE: Give me a break.

SALLY: (Softens.) Is that really true? Panda Publishing is going under?

JOE: Cross my heart. (He does.) I wouldn’t joke about a thing like that.

SALLY: I don’t know why I should believe you, but I do. Truth of the matter is Bandar Log Books, Incorporated, is down for the count. Only Calhouns and Tollivers can save it. (DAGMAR ENTERS from DOWN LEFT.)

DAGMAR: Miss Merriwether, Mr. Herrington, or whatever your name is, that Hollywood woman wants to talk with you.

SALLY: Sherri Gordon?

DAGMAR: Uh-huh.

JOE: Mustn’t keep Hollywood waiting. (Without thinking, he quickly crosses in front of SALLY, stops.) Oops. (Sweeping bow to SALLY.) After you, m’lady.

SALLY: A regular Sir Walter Raleigh. Honesty, and now manners. You

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could be dangerous, Joe Martin. (She EXITS DOWN LEFT, JOE FOLLOWS. PAW CALHOUN ENTERS DOWN RIGHT followed by BUBBA and GOOBER.)

BUBBA: Paw! Paw! (He tugs at his father.)

PAW CALHOUN: Stop pluckin’ at me, boy. (TOLLIVERS strain to overhear.)

BUBBA: (Hushed tone.) I remembered somethin’ important.

PAW CALHOUN: What?

BUBBA: Recall you told me to let that Miz Murdock go fer a walk?

PAW CALHOUN: I does.

BUBBA: I forgot to go with her, and she didn’t come back. (Angry, PAW CALHOUN takes his hat off and whacks BUBBA.)

PAW CALHOUN: Drat you, boy!

GOOBER: This could spoil everythin’, Paw.

PAW CALHOUN: We’s got to git her back afore the sheriff finds her. (PAW CALHOUN EXITS DOWN RIGHT. BUBBA and GOOBER FOLLOW. MAW TOLLIVER ENTERS FROM DOWN LEFT, followed by PETUNIA and DULCY.)

MAW TOLLIVER: Them Calhouns is up to no good. I can tell. We’ll follow ’em and see what they’re connivin’. (Rifle at the ready, stomps after the CALHOUNS. DULCY and PETUNIA FOLLOW.)

SHERRI’S VOICE: (From OFF LEFT.) I don’t like any deal that isn’t free and clear. (Steps IN, IRIS behind her. JOE and SALLY after IRIS. SHERRI moves CENTER.)

SHERRI: If there are any complications, the deal is off. I’ve been bit more than once.

JOE: Don’t think like that, Sherri.

SHERRI: You may call me Miss Gordon. (Looks about.) Where’s the hillbilly? (As soon as she says “hillbilly,” she clasps one hand over her mouth and holds on to her wig with the other. JOE, SALLY and IRIS react when she says the forbidden word, quickly look about expecting PAW CALHOUN to appear.)

OTHERS: Shhhhhh.

JOE: But I’ve got the Calhouns signed up.

SALLY: I’ve got the Tollivers.

IRIS: Fine. You two put the deal together and call me.

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SHERRI: Let’s see to the car, Iris.

SALLY: You’re not leaving?!

SHERRI: Not yet. Last time I looked in the back seat it was full of chickens.

IRIS: We forgot to close the windows. (SHERRI EXITS UP LEFT and OUT. IRIS FOLLOWS.)

JOE: I’d better call New York.

SALLY: Don’t bother. I tried. The telephone went snap, crackle and pop. (LEE ROY and EMMY LOU ENTER DOWN LEFT.)

LEE ROY: I don’t care Emmy Lou, I’m a-goin’ to ask them Hollywood ladies if’n they’ll give you and me a ride to Californy.

SALLY: Why not take the train?

LEE ROY: Emmy Lou and me is mighty poor. All we gots is four dollars between us. ’Tain’t enuff fer a train ticket. We can’t stay in the hills. You knows why.

SALLY: Feudin’ might make a good book and a good film, but it’s really stupid. (To JOE.) Look what it’s doing to these kids. It’s ruining their lives.

LEE ROY: Sure is.

JOE: I’m curious about something. How did the feud between the Tollivers and the Calhouns get started?

EMMY LOU: Nobody knows.

JOE: What?!

SALLY: All this fussin’ and feudin’ and nobody knows why?

JOE: Two hundred years is a long time.

SALLY: Doesn’t anyone know?

EMMY LOU: Antiquity Wormwood might.

JOE/SALLY: Antiquity Wormwood?

EMMY LOU: Everybody used to go to her fer doctorin’ ’n’ such. She knowed everythin’ thar is to know about the hills.

JOE: Where do we find this Antiquity Wormwood?

LEE ROY/EMMY LOU: (Point UP LEFT.) Yonder! (JOE, walking fast, moves in the direction LEE ROY and EMMY LOU are pointing.)

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SALLY: Joe, where are you going?

JOE: Where do you think—Yonder!

SALLY: Wait for me! (Runs after JOE. LEE ROY and EMMY LOU FOLLOW. As they start to cross UPSTAGE—BLACKOUT.)

End Of Scene Seven

Scene Eight

SETTING: ANTIQUITY WORMWOOD’S shack, high in the hills.

In the STAGE BLACKNESS we hear the SOUND OF A HOOTIN’ OWL. [NOTE: A crude table is pushed in from OFFSTAGE, EXTREME DOWN RIGHT. On the table is a jug and an old book. If it can be managed, something is positioned STAGE CENTER, in the BLACKOUT, to suggest an old withered tree.] The scene is SHADOWY. Maybe some drifting mountain FOG or MIST. Spooky, creepy, mysterious.

LIGHTS UP ON FORESTAGE: Nothing for a moment or two except the SOUND OF THE HOOTIN’ OWL. Cautiously, JOE ENTERS FORESTAGE from EXTREME DOWN LEFT. Behind him is SALLY, and then LEE ROY and EMMY LOU. They link hands. No one is at ease.

SALLY: Are you sure this is the right way?

EMMY LOU: I thinks so. I ain’t been up here in a long, long time.

LEE ROY: We’s on the right path.

SALLY: Everything’s so shadowy.

EMMY LOU: That’s the way Antiquity likes it. She don’t cotton much to folks since she’s gotten mighty old and peculiar.

JOE: Great local color. She’ll play a big part in the book.

SALLY: What makes you so sure there’s going to be a book?

JOE: Think positive.

SALLY: I’m trying to.

LEE ROY: Best let me lead the way. We’s almost thar.

JOE: Lead away, Lee Roy. (Holding tightly to EMMY LOU’S hand, LEE ROY takes the lead position. SOUND of OWL.)

SALLY: What’s that?

EMMY LOU: An owl.

SALLY: In the daytime?

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EMMY LOU: Reckon it belongs to Antiquity Wormwood.

SALLY: I understand. It’s a “peculiar” owl.

LEE ROY: This high up in the foggy hills it’s hard to tell day from night.

EMMY LOU: Night from day.

JOE: Place gives me the willies.

ANTIQUITY’S VOICE: (From OFFSTAGE, singing.)“On top of Old Smoky, all covered with snow,I lost my true lover from courtin’ too slow.”

EMMY LOU: That’s her. That’s Antiquity Wormwood. (They step closer to the shack.)

ANTIQUITY’S VOICE: “For the leaves they will wither,The roots they will die.You’ll all be forsakenAnd never know why.” (She cackles.)

EMMY LOU: Go on, Lee Roy. Tell her we’s here.

SALLY: She doesn’t have a shotgun, does she?

JOE: I don’t have any insurance.

SALLY: You would say that.

LEE ROY: (Calls out.) Antiquity! Antiquity! (Waits, then—) It’s me. Lee Roy Calhoun.

ANTIQUITY’S VOICE: Who?

LEE ROY: Calhoun! Lee Roy Calhoun!

EMMY LOU: And Emmy Lou Tolliver. We brung some city folks to see you. They’s writin’ a book.

ANTIQUITY’S VOICE: Lee Roy Calhoun and Emmy Lou Tolliver? I declare. (ANTIQUITY ENTERS. Feeble. She looks about one hundred fifty years old. Long, ragged dress, long white hair. A ton of facial wrinkles. Uses a twisted stick for a cane. Squints.)

ANTIQUITY: Steps a li’l closer so’s I can sees you better. My eyes ain’t as crisp as they wuz a hundred years ago.

JOE/SALLY: A hundred years ago! (LEE ROY and EMMY LOU move close to ANTIQUITY. She cups each face and stares at it.)

ANTIQUITY: Yup. You’s Lee Roy, all right. And you’s Emmy Lou. Last time I saw you young’uns you wuz babes in blankets. You ain’t changed hardly at all.

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EMMY LOU: We’s eighteen, Antiquity.

ANTIQUITY: I reckon you two wuz the last young’uns I delivered.

LEE ROY: Antiquity used to be the midwife. And the doctor. And the pharmacist. And the surgeon. And the dentist—

JOE: We get the general idea.

ANTIQUITY: Thar’s somethin’ I’ve been meanin’ to tell you, Lee Roy. Only I never can recall what it is. I keeps thinkin’, but it don’t come.

JOE: Let me handle this. As Sherri Gordon would say—cut to the chase. (He moves in.) Name’s Joe Martin. (Indicates.) Sally Merriwether.

SALLY: Bandar Log Books, Incorporated.

ANTIQUITY: You ain’t from the hills.

CHARLIE: No, ma’am.

ANTIQUITY: I can always tell!

SALLY: We’re interested in writing about the mountain feud. Only no one can tell us how it all started.

ANTIQUITY: (Slaps her hand on the book.) The book.

JOE: You mean it’s written down in that book?

ANTIQUITY: Nope. It’s the record of ev’ry baby I done delivered. Goes way, way, way back.

SALLY: We’d certainly like to have a look. Sounds like a treasure.

JOE: Once we find out why and how the feud started, things will fall into place.

SALLY: Can you help, Miss Wormwood? Do you know how the feud between the Calhouns and the Tollivers began?

ANTIQUITY: ’Course I does. I knows everythin’ that happened in these here hills.

JOE: Great!

SALLY: Wonderful!

LEE ROY: Tell us how it all began, Antiquity.

ANTIQUITY: Well, it all began... (MUSIC CUE 6: “I Fergits.” ANTIQUITY suddenly springs comically to life. She’s as lively as an excited teenager and moves about in frisky fashion as she sings.)

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This ol’ girl’s got loads to tell.Seems a downright shameThem folks been fightin’ fer a spell,But I don’t rightly know who t’blame.(Excited.) Now, Tolliver said somethin’,Calhoun said somethin’ back.Then someone like t’have a fit,And I’d tell ya truly who it were,But I fergits, I fergits, I fergits!My head’s on fire, my mind’s on strike,I can’t seem to conjure up a thought.An’ I’d gladly tell you what ya like,But my brain’s done gone to pot!Now, Tolliver did somethin’,Calhoun done did it back,Or wuz it t’other way around?Folks, I’m swelled up with regret,Cuz I fergits, I fergits, I fergits!My head’s on fire, my mind’s on strike,I can’t seem to conjure up a thought.An’ I’d gladly tell you what ya like,But my brain’s done up an’ rot!(DANCE INTERLUDE.)(Speaks.) My mem’ry sure ain’t what it used to be. But I still remember how to shake a leg.(Sings.) I went to a friend fer a second opinion,She pree-scribed what to get,An’ I’d tell you now what she said,But I fergits, I fergits, I fergits!

ALL EXCEPT ANTIQUITY: (Sing.)Her head’s on fire, her mind’s on strike,She can’t seem to conjure up a thought.An’ she’d gladly tell us what we like,But her brain’s done gone to pot!Her head’s on fire, her mind’s on strike,

ANTIQUITY: (Sings.) I can’t seem to conjure up a thought.

ALL EXCEPT ANTIQUITY: (Sing.)An’ she’d gladly tell us what we like,

ANTIQUITY: (Sings.) But my brain’s done gone to pot!

ALL EXCEPT ANTIQUITY: (Sing.) Her brain’s done up an’ rot!

ANTIQUITY/ALL: (Sing.) My/Her brain’s done gone to pot!

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(The OTHERS toss up their hands in despair—“Oh, no!” SEGUE INTO MUSIC: MUSIC CUE 6a: “Antiquity’s Travellin’ Music—Instrumental.” BLACKOUT.)

End Of Scene Eight

(NOTE: Strike table and optional twisted tree.)

Scene Nine

SETTING: Lonesome Polecat.

LIGHTS UP: EDNA ENTERS from the boardinghouse.

EDNA: It wuz nice havin’ you, ladies. We’ve never had anyone from Hollywood afore.

SHERRI: (ENTERS from boardinghouse.) That, Mrs. Tubbs, does not surprise me. I’d ask for your leg of squirrel recipe but for one thing, I don’t want it.

IRIS: (ENTERS from boardinghouse.) Tell Mr. Martin and Miss Merriwether if they work things out, we’ll be in California. They have the number.

EDNA: I’ll do that. (OBIE ENTERS UP LEFT.)

OBIE: I swept out your automobile like you said. You won’t find one chicken feather inside.

SHERRI: Thank you, young man. I’m allergic to— (Starts to sneeze.) Ahh-ahh-ahh— (OTHERS wait for the “choo.”) Ahh-ahh-ahh—

OTHERS: Ahh-ahh-ahh—

SHERRI: Choo!

OTHERS: Bless you.

SHERRI: Thank you. Chicken feathers. I’m allergic to chicken feathers. (SOUND OF COMMOTION from OFFSTAGE, DOWN RIGHT. Ad lib.)

CALHOUNS: TOLLIVERS: It’s all a mistake, Sheriff. Lock ’em up!We’s innocent. They’s kidnappies.We’s bein’ wronged. Just like them Calhouns.

(CALHOUNS stumble INTO VIEW, nervously looking over their shoulders. The SHERIFF is behind them—only now he has PAW CALHOUN’S shotgun, and he’s aiming it at the CALHOUNS. DOGWEAZEL ENTERS DOWN LEFT. SHERRI and IRIS move LEFT, afraid but curious.)

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SHERIFF: You Calhouns are in a heap of trouble. Keep them hands up. (CALHOUNS lift their hands.)

EDNA: What have they done, Sheriff Dickens?

DOGWEAZEL: What else? Fussin’ n’ feudin’.

SHERIFF: ’Tain’t that simple. (MAW TOLLIVER follows IN, DOWN RIGHT.)

MAW TOLLIVER: I’ll tell you what they done, Mr. Dogweazel. They kidnapped Miz Murdock. They’s kidnappies.

DULCY: Sheriff found her hidin’ in the hills.

PETUNIA: Plumb tuckered out.

DULCY: Poor thing. (As TOLLIVERS come INTO SCENE, CALHOUNS move CENTER. SHERIFF, too.)

ROSE MARIE: (ENTERING.) I want them behind bars, Sheriff. I’m going to press charges.

BUBBA: Shucks, we didn’t mean no harm. We wuz only keepin’ her ’til Paw got his picture.

GOOBER: We treated her real good. She never went hungry. She ate like a princess. (ROSE MARIE puffs out her cheeks.)

MAW TOLLIVER: We ought to have a hangin’.

CALHOUNS: Hangin’?!

SHERRI: Murdock. Murdock. Are you, by any chance, Rose Marie Murdock?

IRIS: The Rose Marie Murdock who wrote that piece in “Strange But True”?

ROSE MARIE: Of course I am.

SHERRI: No wonder she didn’t return our calls.

SALLY’S VOICE: Sherri! Sherri! (ALL look UP LEFT as SALLY runs IN. LEE ROY and EMMY LOU follow. ANTIQUITY hobbles IN, aided by JOE. LAURETTE ENTERS from the general store. SALLY holds the book from ANTIQUITY’S shack. [NOTE: At this point, the STAGE will be getting crowded. Make certain the cast is positioned so no one is blocked from audience view. Spread out for the best stage picture possible. As the “CITY FOLK” discourse, the OTHERS listen with considerable interest, acting and reacting.])

SALLY: It’s in here. It’s all in here. (She holds up the book.)

JOE: How the feud started and...

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SALLY: Better than that. Antiquity Wormwood always wrote down the births.

OTHERS: So?

SALLY: You tell them, Antiquity. (Steps aside and ANTIQUITY hobbles forward.)

ANTIQUITY: It’s like I done told Lee Roy. Thar was somethin’ important he should know. Emmy Lou, too. Only I never could recall, and my eyes is too watery to check the book.

SHERRI: What is this?

SALLY: Lee Roy and Emmy Lou were born on the same day.

ANTIQUITY: In my cabin.

OTHERS: So?

ANTIQUITY: I got ’em mixed up. (Long pause as this sinks in. Then—)

OTHERS: Huh?

SALLY: They got the wrong babies. The Calhouns and the Tollivers.

ANTIQUITY: Them Calhouns should have gotten the gal baby and them Tollivers should have gotten the boy baby. (Another long pause as this sinks in. Reaction.)

PAW CALHOUN: You mean Lee Roy ain’t my son?

MAW TOLLIVER: You mean Emmy Lou ain’t my daughter?

BUBBA/GOOBER: Lee Roy ain’t our brother?

DULCY/PETUNIA: Emmy Lou ain’t our sister?

LEE ROY: Paw ain’t my paw?

EMMY LOU: Maw ain’t my maw?

JOE: Don’t you understand? Emmy Lou’s a Calhoun and Lee Roy’s a Tolliver.

ANTIQUITY: Them’s the facts. (The feuding families melt.)

PAW CALHOUN: I always wanted a daughter.

MAW TOLLIVER: I always wanted a son. (The CALHOUNS rush for EMMY LOU and the TOLLIVERS rush for LEE ROY. ONLOOKERS applaud, grin.)

PAW CALHOUN: Daughter!

BUBBA/GOOBER: Sister!

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MAW TOLLIVER: Son!

DULCY/PETUNIA: Brother!

SHERIFF: Looks to me like the feud’s over.

MOUNTAIN FOLK: Hooray!

SHERIFF: Wait! I got a mighty fine idea. Why don’t Lee Roy and Emmy Lou gits hitched tonight?

EMMY LOU: That’s a wondrous idea!

JOE: After the weddin’, we can have that hayride.

CALHOUNS/TOLLIVERS: Thar’s gonna be a weddin’ n’ a hayride! YAHOO! (On that, CALHOUNS grab EMMY LOU and run OFF. TOLLIVERS grab LEE ROY and run OFF. OTHER LONESOME POLECATS scatter. This leaves ONSTAGE: SHERRI, IRIS, JOE, SALLY, SHERIFF and ROSE MARIE.)

SHERIFF: Where’d everyone go?

SHERRI: Too bad Bandar Log and Panda can’t get together. That would solve everything.

IRIS: The world is missing a great film in Rockabilly Lullaby.

JOE: Without this book, Bandar Books is out of business.

SALLY: So is Panda Publishing.

SHERIFF: Sherri has a great idea there.

JOE: You mean we should merge?

SALLY: It would save Bandar Log.

JOE: Yeah, what’s the sense of two companies going broke? If we merge, we’ll be the greatest.

SHERRI: And I’ll take a film option immediately. Big bucks.

SALLY: (Hesitates.) I’m willing if you’re willing, Joe. (He thinks. Agrees.)

JOE: We’ll call the new company Bandar Panda.

SALLY: No, we’ll call it Panda Bandar.

JOE: We can settle all that later.

ROSE MARIE: Sheriff, you let the Calhouns get away. They kidnapped me and held me prisoner. I want them arrested.

SALLY: You don’t want to have them arrested. Especially since we want you to do the book. Right, Joe?

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JOE: Right.

SHERRI: And, quite possibly, the screenplay.

ROSE MARIE: (Delighted.) The book AND the screenplay? Forget about those charges, Sheriff. I’m easy to get along with.

SHERIFF: If that’s the way you wants it.

ROSE: I do, Sheriff. Fussin’ an’ a-feudin’ never solved anything! (MUSIC CUE 7: “Fussin’ An’ A-Feudin’—Reprise.”

COMPANY: (ENTERS and sings.)Fussin’ an’ a-feudin’, ev’ry night ’n’ day.Fussin’ an’ a-feudin’, it’s the mountain way.Fussin’ an’ a-feudin’, heard fer miles around.Gonna shoot ’em up an’ stretch ’em out six feet underground! Mm, mm.Fussin’ an’ a-feudin’, ev’ry night ’n’ day.Fussin’ an’ a-feudin’, it’s the mountain way.Fussin’ an’ a-feudin’ two hundred years at least.Gonna hunt ’em down an’ shoot ’em up, may they rest in peace! Mm, mm.

TOLLIVERS: (Speak in rhythm.) Pow!

CALHOUNS: (Speak in rhythm.) Bang!

TOLLIVERS: Pow!

CALHOUNS: Bang!

TOLLIVERS: Pow!

CALHOUNS: Bang!

TOLLIVERS: Pow!

CALHOUNS: Bang!

TOLLIVERS: Pow!

CALHOUNS: Bang!

TOLLIVERS: Pow!

CALHOUNS: Bang!

TOLLIVERS: Pow, pow, pow!

CALHOUNS: Bang, bang!

COMPANY: (Sing.) Fussin’ an’ a-feudin’, ev’ry night ’n’ day.Fussin’ an’ a-feudin’, it’s the mountain way.

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Fussin’ an’ a-feudin’ heard fer miles around.Gonna shoot ’em up an’ stretch ’em out, six feet underground! Mm, mm.Fussin’ an’ a-feudin’s never gonna leave this town!

TOLLIVERS: (To CALHOUNS.) CALHOUNS: (To TOLLIVERS)Pow! Bang!

(BLACKOUT.)

END OF PLAY

MUSIC CUE 8: “Curtain Call—Instrumental”

MUSIC CUE 9: “Exit Music—Instrumental”

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production notes

STAGE PROPERTIES

Front of boardinghouse with sign reading “Boardinghouse,” front of general store with sign reading “General Store,” benches, barrel. Backdrop showing distant hills—or some prop tree(s) can be substituted. TRAIN: Couple of train seats or bench.

CALHOUN CABIN: Chair (can be rocker).

TOLLIVER CABIN: Chair (can be rocker).

ANTIQUITY’S SHACK: Small crude table with jug and book.

BROUGHT ON, Scene One: Broom (LAURETTE); apron (EDNA); gloves (ROSE MARIE); expensive-looking travelling luggage (DAGMAR); hillbilly hats, old rifles (CALHOUNS); rifles (TOLLIVERS).

BROUGHT ON, Scene Two: Tabloid newspaper “Strange But True” (SALLY).

BROUGHT ON, Scene Three: Mailbag with letters (DOGWEAZEL); suitcases (JOE, SALLY); rifles (CALHOUNS, TOLLIVERS).

BROUGHT ON, Scene Four: Rope on wrists (ROSE MARIE); tin plate, wooden spoon, jug (GOOBER).

BROUGHT ON, Scene Five: Piece of wood, jackknife (OBIE); wristwatch, briefcase (SALLY).

BROUGHT ON, Scene Six Pipe (MAW TOLLIVER); ribbons and bows (PETUNIA, DULCY); briefcase, legal document, pen (SALLY).

BROUGHT ON, Scene Seven: Single straw (CHLOE); ribbons and bows (TEENAGE GIRLS); picnic baskets (DAGMAR, EDNA): Sunglasses (SHERRI, IRIS); tabloid newspaper; roll of candy mints; rifle (MAW TOLLIVER, PAW CALHOUN).

BROUGHT ON, Scene Eight: Walking stick (ANTIQUITY).

BROUGHT ON, Scene Nine: Rifle (SHERIFF); Antiquity’s book (SALLY).

SOUND: Train, yapping hound dogs, automobile horn, owl.

COSTUMES

As described in the text. There should be a sharp distinction between the “city folk” and the “hill folk.” The CALHOUNS should look particularly mangy. Rope for belts, maybe barefooted, dumb hats. Ragged pants. PAW CALHOUN’S beard reaches to his waist. Optional beards for BUBBA and GOOBER. DOGWEAZEL could wear a yellow suit—or something equally as outrageous. THE SET: What’s described is basic. However,

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you can dress it up—water trough, some trees, maybe a cutout of a sleeping hound. The impression should suggest something cartoonish to establish the all-in-fun style. If you can’t manage the facade of the boardinghouse and/or general store, simply put out some rockers to suggest the boardinghouse. Characters can walk on and off RIGHT when they are supposed to be entering and exiting the structure. Same business for general store.

FLEXIBLE CASTING

If you want a larger cast, simply add more townspeople (CHORUS). You can add more males to the CALHOUN CLAN and more females to the TOLLIVER CLAN. For a smaller cast, cut/combine some roles. For example, BUBBA and GOOBER could become one character, same for DULCY and PETUNIA. Instead of four teenage girls (BIANCA, CHLOE, etc.), you could have only two or three. TRAIN CONDUCTOR can double in another part—SHERIFF or DOGWEAZEL. For these changes it will be necessary to make a few minor line alterations. Some male roles can be switched to female: TRAIN CONDUCTOR, DOGWEAZEL. Some from female to male (DAGMAR can become DAVEY, etc.). Make whatever adjustments are required to suit what you have to work with.

STYLE

The CALHOUNS and the TOLLIVERS should be played very broadly. In fact, the whole show should be played bigger than life. Exaggerated. Nothing will kill a musical faster than dead spots. KEEP IT MOVING. As soon as one scene is ending, the next is already beginning. Don’t have scene ends/pause/scene begins. It’s one continuous flow.

SUGGESTIONS

Don’t be shy about adding anything that works for atmosphere. For example, at one point, we might hear the sound of gunfire OFFSTAGE, suggesting there’s “fussin’ n’ feudin’” going on. During a production number, we might see someone playing a musical saw or banjo. Or making music by blowing in a jug. With some songs there’s opportunity for dancin’—”HEE HAW HAYRIDE,” “ROCKABILLY LULLABY.” Alternative to the entrance of SHERRI and IRIS They might walk in the cutout of a small automobile—showing only one side to the audience. They cross from UP LEFT to UP RIGHT and OFF, then return on foot. Give some thought to using a costumed horse or mule. It might appear during the “Hee Haw Hayride” number, for example.

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Book by TIM KELLY Music and Lyrics by BILL FRANCOEUR

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