Bonding vs. breaking – the measure of ego strength

“From the first moment, when I have seen him or started liking him till now, I feel I am losing

the first passion.”

The behavior repeats itself again and again in our daily activities, interaction and in occasions.

We make commitments, envisage beauty of others in mind and form relationships. We harbor

and develop likings and disliking for others. And there is a whole phenomenon for it. What

happens to us whenever we try to transform our likings into disliking?

We feel ourselves attracted by someone, then unconsciously transform a part of ego or introject

(take in) the attractive traits (which form part of ego). This alteration in ego provides us strength

and self-confidence. The longevity of the relationship consolidates our (introjected) ego part,

thus we extract goodness, comfort and healthy self-esteem from relationships. It is a dual

reflection as how actually one maintains relationships! The strength that we obtain from a bond

or our preexisting strength; one offshoot of the thought would be; can ego gain “pre-existing

strength” without positive experiences in childhood (or in earlier phase of life)!

Whenever we find conflicts, disagreements and annoyance in the bond, it leads towards

rejection, separation or distrust. This distrust does not affect the relationship quality but the

persons holding the bond at the both ends. The influence of relationship quality is not as

remarkable as discord and separation have on our inner world.

The relationship disruption does not only influence introjected part of ego, but it also tries to

submerge positivity we once had experienced from the relationship. The dismissal of the positive

experiences somehow affects the strength of ego stability. Thus, in good psychiatric

interviewing, interviewer always asks about “relationship intactness”, frequent break-ups or

frequent switches or boredom from relations.

Holding relationship is an art and failure to do so is a valid indicator for one to see inside for

consolidation of ego structure. We all strive in lives not only for survival but for quality of

function, performance, achievement and above all success. We drive energy, resourcefulness and

power from the positive experiences. These measures provide us healthy experience to progress,

proliferate and grow.

Frequent disharmonies in interactions not only have its impact on ego structure but also can be a

reflection of our poor ego make up. The vice versa concept complicates the picture.

Poor ego structure

Break ups

One angle of seeing this – pre-existing ego deficiencies are unable to hold relationships as well

as another aspect of the picture can be, the poor ego structure is a byproduct of frequent discords

and disharmonies. Whatever is the phenomenon! The frequent splits and breaks in any

relationship reflect our inner strength. It denotes our self-sufficiency.

The retention is good. One of the other themes which can be learnt from this process is the

tolerance, patience and compatibility. One has to show these to fill the deficient corners of ties.

In applying these measures, one has lot to learn. The thought is not absolute; as in life one can

learn a lot from isolation as well as from individual endeavors. The collective form has always

been supported than individual form. And if one thinks that why it is always emphasized then the

conclusion would be the multi-layered lessons and skills which can be learned from interactions

as compared to individual patterns.