"Who cares if it doesn'tdo anything?

It was made with our new triple --iso—bifurcated—krypton-

gate—MOS—process . "

Vibrating wildly onvarious over-the-counte r

wake-up medication ssince 1987 „

BLIND MELO LEAD SINGERTESTS POSITIVE FOR STEROIDS

"It's 95 '% alcohol. We've lost half the sample, though. Cheers,.ff claims officer.

Kevin PhillipsBon1Roving Correspondent

VANCOUVER—Officialsannounced today that ShannonHoon, lead singer of the popu-lar new rock group BlindMelon, has tested positive fo rsteroid use .

The announcement wasmade by forensics experts fromthe Vancouver Police Depart-ment, headed up by Dr. Yur iNayshin . "After several consecu-tive analyses, our team con-firmed the presence of severa lforeign elements in Mr. Hoon's ssystem, among them anabolicsteroids . "

Dr. Nayshin went on toexplain that a sample of Hoon'surine had been collected by anoperative sitting in the frontrow of Blind Melon's Oct . 30show at the Pacific Coliseum ."During the show, Mr. Hoonwas ordered by the operative to

submit an "on-the-spot" sampl efbr random testing, and Mr.Hoon complied without hestia-tion . In fact, he proceeded tosubmit samples to most anyon ein the vicinity, " said Dr.Nayshin .

Hoon was unavailable forcomment, but The 432 haslearned that there is some con-troversy surrounding the results .Nathan Thurm, publicist fo rBlind Melon, has claimed thatthe results were tainted due l osample contamination, "Theycollected the damned sample ; offthe Coliseum floor," saidThurm. "Of course it wasmessed up . Blind Melon doesn'tuse `roils," he said.

Reports that the urine tes tconfirmed the presence of suchelements as ethanol, linoleum,floor wax, potato chips,cigarette butts and lost car keysin Hoon's system were neitherconfirmed nor denied at press

time .

Today's announcement waspart of an extensive investiga-tion designed to track th esteroid use of many of today' spopular singers. "It is our beliefthat as many as one in three o fall contemporary musicians us eperformance-enhancing drugs, "said Dr. Nayshin. "It's our jo bto make sure that the perfor-mances being given by today'sartists are the best they have tooffer, but while maintaining afair level of competition for all . "

The history of steroid us eamong singers is well docu-mented, as more and more vet-eran rockers admit to previoususe. In 1981, the Rolling Stone swere suspended from interna-tional performance for eightyears after guitarist KeithRichards was finally caught onsuspected longtime use oftestosterone to bulk up. Thecase was especially difficult to

prove because, as Richards late rsaid himself, "They couldn'tdetect the hormone level in mysystem underneath all the otherdrugs . But I'm clean now, andgradually working my way backup to my natural weight of 31 5pounds . "

Other noted steroid usersinclude Ted Nugent, OzzyOsbourne, Pink Floyd, and BoyGeorge . None of these groupswere ever caught in the act, butadmitted to juice use after theends of their careers .

"I suppose most people knew,what with my temper and all ,but they just didn't care backthen," said Osbourne. "Eitherthat, or they thought the bitin gthe heads off of the bats was justpart of the show"

Said George of his experi-ences with the drugs, "Why doyou think I act like this? I usedto be a girl. I just took too manyof the bloody things."

Nov 17 12:30 Woodward

BPP Bzzr Garden

Nov 26, 430 Woodward

BPP Gym Nigh t

Nov 12, 9:3{) Osbourne Gym

Geography Bake Sale

Nov 10 8L=30-2:,30 Gee Lounge

PacifieRimlGeo Bin Bash

Nov 12, . MO Ceo Lounge

Geography Bzzr Gantle t

Nov 26 430 Geo Lounge

CS?' Gym Night

Nov I2, 8:00 Osbourne Gym

us all they eventsfeiund in theissue r

mpg Sc fenceEvents

BioSoc Ski 'rtp M~eeti nNov I8 I231)Bio ci24

BPPP'ia adiPot,Mce

The Heisenberg Uncertainty Kiosk

Editorial Science UBC Jackets .Navy melton.

White leather.From $150.

Normally, my articles seemto have nothing to do

with the universe as we knowit . However, this time I chooseto use the space to warn all o fyou about a power struggle forthe editorialship of this paper.

It seems that some young

upstarts have taken it uponthemselves to ban me from theresponsibility of my post andattempt to relieve my mil dcase of carpal—tunnel syn-drome by barring me from th eduties normally befalling th eEditor. At least I remain incontrol of these mountebanks ,as I can determine the finaloutcome of this dear rag.

God forbid they catch mewriting this . Oh, what am Iworried about? After all, whatcould they possibly

THE POLITICALLY CORRECTSTRIKE BACK

Science Sales.CHEM 160.

'Nuff Said .

I t is a dark time for the Con-servatives . Preston Manning,

striking from a hidden base ,has won his first victory.

Kim: If this is a councillor'sship, then where is th eambassador? Charest, tearthis ship apart until . . .

(Oops, wrong reel. . .)

Following the destruction ofthe Ubyssey's politically correct-ness ray and editorial staff Sci-ence forces have been forced toretreat to the frigid wastelands ofWhistler. There they find refugein the long abandoned AMSCabin. Luke has been studyingthe Force and is now able tocommunicate with his calcula-tor. Leah, though worried aboutLuke's seemingly one-sided con-versations with home electronics,has obtained a voice-equippedlaptop computer—modelHYSO. Meanwhile, Art Vader,having surrvived his crashthanks to the Force (and a driv-er's side airbag) is conducting alarge scale search of the lowermainland. Back at Whisler,Luke and Drum are just finish-ing a patrol.

Luke : East face is clear. I justwant to check out a falle nskier not far from here .

Solo: Roger, I'll see you backat the cabin .

Luke : No, it's Luke . Remem-

ber?

As Solo moves on, Luke,chuckling to himself at his keenwit, skies into a crevice and

bashes himselfunconscious. Backat the cabin, Solo meets withGeneral Al Etric.

Etric: Solo, you're back fromyour patrol . Where's Luke?

Solo: He's checking out a fall-

en skier.

Etric: With all those skiers, itwill be difficult to detectUbyssey attacks .

Solo: General, I've got toleave .

Etric: I'm sorry to hear that . Ithought you decided to stay.

Solo : Those Engineers we raninto on Granville changedmy mind. If I don't pay myEngineering dues, I'm a deadman. Well, Leah, I guess thisis it .

Leah: I guess it is .

Solo : Well don't go all mushyon me. See you later.

Leah: Drum, wait !

Solo: What do you want ?

Leah: You still owe me 2 0bucks .

Solo: That's not it . You'reafraid I'll leave without agood-bye kiss.

Leah: I'd sooner kiss a artsie .

Solo: I . . . (struck silent at th eimpact of such a graveinsult) .You. . . (runs off i nshame)

Later, in the driveway. . .

Solo: What are you doing,Chewie? We're getting out of

here . Put those snow tire sback on .

Rebel: Sir!

Solo: What do you want ?

Rebel : It's Leah. She's bein gtrying to beep you for thelast hour.

Solo: I turned it off. I don'twant to talk to her.

Rebel : She's worried aboutLuke . He hasn't come backyet .

Solo: What? Are the sno wboards ready?

Rebel: No, we're havingproblems adapting to them.We keep falling down .

Solo: Then we'll have to goout on snow-shoes .

Rebel: The temperature'sdropping too rapidly. You'l lfreeze your ass off before yo ureach the first chair-lift .

Solo: Then I'll see you i nMath 101 .

As Solo starts out, Lukeregains consciousness and climb sout of crevice only to collapse afew meters later. Just before Lukepasses out again, a familiarapparition appears. . .

Dobiewan: Luke. . . . Youmust go to the McGill Sys -tem. There you will learnfrom Yertl, the Jedi maste rwho instructed me.

Luke : Bill, Bill . . .

As Bill fades from sight, Solodiscovers Luke. They are bothrescued at dawn by a slightlyinebriated (and lost) Kokanne

commerical film crew. Whenthey return, the rEbels intercept atransmission from a suspiciousVW van parked outside. Leahgets her laptop to interpret thecode.

HYSO: I am fluent in morethan 6 million forms of com-munication. This transmis-sion matches none of them.There is no coherent patternat all in the message .

Solo : Then it's either rapmusic, or the Ubyessey'sfound us.

Etric: We better start the eva-

cutation .

Meanwhile, in Vaders person -

al limo. . .

Cowboy: Our agents inWhistler have found some-thing. It could just be sk ibums, but . . .

Vader : That's them . Move al l

forces to Whistler.

What awaits Vader 's forces a tthe Rebel base? Stay tuned nextissue for another exciting episode

of Campus Wars - The PCStrik e

Back. Same Science time, sameScience channel !

The Faculty of Artsannounces the creation o f

ARTS CO-OP

Gain valuable career experience !

Available for all Arts departments

8 Nov '93

"'Bout the same as yesterday. . . "

Ryan the Graeme

Editor

Graeme the Graeme

Assistant Editor

Contributors

LeonaAdams, Stev e

Coleman, Kevan

Deulebacn, Jason' Holmes, '

Graeme Kennedy; Ryan

Graeme McCuaig Bla the

Not-Graeme McDonald,

Derek K. Miller, Sarah

Thornton, Laurie Yee ,

Delwin Yung, and some guy

named Rog.

Nice try, but no ceegar to

Well, you know who you rue .

l'hanle for your contribution

and keep trying!

Feedbag Strapped on courtesy

of Sasamat Pizza and eaten by

Sarah Thornton, Jaso n

Holmes, Blair McDonald ,

Ryan McCtaig, Roger Watts

Layout

Graeme Kennedy, Bl a

l ,Donald

-1-

ver feel uncomfortable in_ilarge groups? I hate bein g

surrounded by people I don'tknow. It's not that I'm afrai dof having a six-inch bladeslipped between my ribs(unless I'm standing in line at :the Granville Cineplex, withthe crowd chanting "Curb-stomp him. . . curbstom phim. . ."), it's that I detest all tl :t esmall talk that people use t odisguise the fact that theyhardly know you, and couldn' tcare less about your problems .

Does anyone actually carethat the guy upstairs ownswhat must be the MostWicked Sound System Sinc eWoodstock, and takes grea tpleasure in doing sound . testsat three in the morning' Doe sanyone care that I've consid-ered buying a gun and putting ;the owner of the MWSSSWout of my misery? I'll proba-bly get a medal from NASAfor returning all the off-the-shelf parts used in constructin gthat aucl :itory nightmare, `causethey must be wondering whenall the electrical components ofthe new shuttle went missing .

Everyone develops thei rown defense mechanisms todeal with people . Some justignore everyone, spending al ltheir time locked in the dun-geons of Main Library unti lsomebody finally takes awaytheir textbooks and sets the mfree. Some buy high-powered

rifles and start looking for agood vantage point . Othersaffect a great bonhomie atti-tude, making up grand storiesof how great their life is whenthey actually live in the back oftheir Datsun. Case in point :just look under a table at th eCheese any day of the week,and you'll find some sorryengineer glued down with amixture of peach schnapps andMaximum Ice . I've also seen alot of socially inept peopl erespond with a rude commen tor two, but rudeness isuncalled for, at least until yo uknow the person better.

Personally, I prefer "Oh ,about the same as yesterday. . . "It works well in most cases ,because the people who d oknow you probably have som eidea how badly a math clas scan ruin my day. I've used thi sphrase for years now, and it'salways worked.

Until I made the Shake-spearean mistake of smiling a ta person I had always detested.

After all, I was in a goodmood, what with the Purpl eJesus (a carefully mixed combi-nation of Purplesaurus Re xKool-Aid and cheap RussianPrince vodka) slowly takingcontrol of my consciousness ,and the beat of the MWSSS Wreplacing the pulses of my ner-vous system. Life was good .Until the detested one saw meacross the room, and made abeeline straight towards me ,arms stretched out for a hug."Hug? No way!" I thought, asI tried to sidestep the oncom-ing human bullet . A hazy pic-ture of the corrida de toros inPamplona surfaced in the backof my mind .

Somehow she managed t oget her arms around me ,despite the table and thre echairs I tried to put betwee nus. She beamed at me, lookin ghappier to see me than I was tosee her.

"So, how are you, anyway? "said the pint-sized clone o fKim Campbell .

My back crawled, and th ehair stood up at the nape o fmy neck at the sound of he rvoice, so sweet and gooey likethe Halloween toffee left fro mlast year under the couch ."Oh, about the same as yester-day" I replied, trying to soundcool and casual . I startedlooking around for an escaperoute . Any escape route . Usu-ally I have these thingsplanned out well in advance .

She sighed, with that perky,annoying shake of the headthat all semi-literate blondesseem to have . (Note: For myown continued safety and well -being, I'd like to make it clearthat only the semi-literat eblondes have that annoyin gmannerism) . (ed: ditto . )

"No, silly. . . How are you? "she said, obviously finding myremark to be quite witty andcharming . Mystified, and get-ting a strange sense of deja vu ,I repeated my standard reply,thinking she hadn't heard mecorrectly the first time . Sheshook her head again, thi stime putting a different spi non it that I translated into jus ta touch of exasperation . " Ihaven't seen you for months!"(Naturally, I thought . I'vealways seen you first .) "I wan tto know what's new in you rlife, how you're feeling every-

thing!"

I couldn't believe it wasn'tworking. In a fit of extrem eannoyance decided to give he rexactly what she wanted. Itook a deep breath, and startedin on my complete history ofthe last five months .

Minutes passed, while Irambled on and on aboutabsolutely everything I couldremember doing, wishing I'ddone, or heard about someon ehaving done since last March .I was well into describing th epain of the groin pull I suf-fered in iaido class last weekwhen she finally started tocrack . She started to glanc earound the room, fidget, andshift her weight from leg t oleg . I had her right where Iwanted her, helpless to leave ,forced to endure an endlesslitany of complaints . I gloatedat her predicament, and deliv-ered the coup de grace.

"—and luckily the docto rsaid," as I leaned conspiratori-ally towards her, "`Penicillincan cure just about anything . 'So anyway, how have you bee ndoing these last few months?"

She smiled nervously. "Oh ,the same as always . . ." she saidas she backed slowly into th ecrowd. "See you around! "

I haven't seen her since ,luckily. Guess sometimes hon-esty (or a close substitute) isthe best thing for getting outof unwanted conversations .

If only it could get rid of theguy upstairs .

Sigh .

Smith & Wesson will justhave to do.

Volume 7, No 5

8 November 1993

Blair

McDONAL[)

Utivei <. . .. . . . . .. . .

er.lves ,Lflcal 2461 Der Crossverd2

16

12 14

7

9

13

1"111•11•lllllllln.r1n

rimers, :ar}couver

The>.432 is produced in the

Science Undergraduate Society

offices, located between Wrec k

Beach and Burnaby

somewhere .

Submissions to The 432should be about 500 words inlength, proofread, and

extremely silly in nature, The

submission of non-satirical orj

morose material will result in

banishment of the offendin g

writer . I know, believe me.

THIS WEEK'S THEME:

Beer. (it was only a matter of time)

Across: 1 . La Chauffe D'Ardennes 3 . Pacifico 5 . Young's OldNick Barley Wine 7. Moosehead 9. Ruski 11 . Guiness 13 .Chung Hua 15 . San Miguel Dark 17. Razor Edge

Down: 2. Starnobrno Leu Blonde Dopplebock 4 . Sam Adam s6. Awooyo Special 8 . Red Stripe 10 . Frydenlunds 12 . Xingu14 Eku Heffe Wieisse Dunkle 16 . Okocim 18 . Singha 20.Maccabee 22. Moretti

a €e , at sautd (ll? SI aufgJpuaPYl

urun 6 apeua •L p ra uq

s»ixaw wnfdtag

ssosay

uots

et utt as A' u papz~atd) :suottnlos

zt,of.) .K licesgA 1

roan : f~CaErrs1 'OZ Pu 7l!E?I.I. '8 P °d ' 9

9001 .9 sair3spataun

orignda2 q~-at

Qv.Looks. Tou Decision? Ghaa!

Tuesday is my Sunday, so atten AM I was sleeping .

Nevertheless, the phone ran gand I awoke from a dream justin time to avoid a horrible dis-figurement at the hands of aband of Hare Krishnas, whos eT-shirt printing orders I hadscrewed up in a summer jobtwo years ago and never owned

up for.

Me: "Hello?"

Voice :

"Hi, is thisGraeme Kennedy? "

Me: (considering lying andgoing back to sleep) "Wh omay I ask is calling? "

Voice:

"My name isKennedy, and I'm running forcouncillor in the civic elec-tion . "

Me: (interrupting) "Oh ,well, I'm not really very inter-ested in city politics. "

Voice:

"Urn, aren'tyou running for mayor? "

At this point, the relevenceof her call became apparent .

To make a long story short,I have dropped my name offthe list of candidates fo rGotham City and reduced thetotal roll to 23 , more than apage's worth, which is theproblem. You see, there will betwo Kennedys on the ballot ,which is randomly seeded, sothat I might attract her votersby accident.

Imagine the guilt .

Enough of this mayor stuff,apparently my last article wasjust too confusing. And, no, Ido not use. . .ah . . .'herbs' whil ewriting .

As far as accepting responsi-

Sales Slipsumours ofour death have been

ready exaggerated. We did, i nfact have a sort ofa `false start' afte rour original Sales Manager, AngelaKay, was left unable to fill the posi -tion after a fireball car accidentwhich, fortunately, did not leaveher horribly disfigured or maimed,only a little shaken . I'd like tothank her for the work she hasdone for Science Sales so far . Thi sout of the way, I'll start with theintroductions:

Graeme Kennedy (That's me) -Sales Manager. A `Colonel Blake 'style of leadership helps me look fornew things to order, coordinate the

bility, I was persuaded to takethe Sales Manager positionright here in SUS . When thedrugs wore off, I stuck with i tanyway, and my life has hadthe following pattern : wakeup, work, swim, do sales stuff,home, eat, watch TV, sleep.

Well, I haven't exactly beenwatching IV per se. It seem sthat by the time my day hasended all the networks areshowing the same boring showabout some First Nations gen-tleman in native dress, whosehead is just sort of hovering i nfront of a bunch of circles andnumbers and things . Eitherthis or the show with a bunchof vertical stripes in multiplehues. B0000rrrriiiing .

My friends have been tryingdesperately to improve mysocial life, and they're failin g

dismally. The problem is thatthey're trying the wrongapproach : they're trying to setme up with women and nottelling me what they're up to.

This is guaranteed to fail . Thi sis what my friends will tell meabout my prospective date ,and where I know the future

problem will lie:

1) "I met her at a bar/night-club/singles barbeque . "Since I would rather wal kbarefoot across Lego than ge tinvolved with a woman wh ohangs out at bars/nightclubs /singles barbeques, the eveningwould not go well if I took he rto the (upcoming) Porgie an dBess.

2) "I showed her your pic-ture and told her all aboutyou . She really wants to mee tyou!"This is always death . My life ischaos, and I'm a `strangeattractor', if you know what Imean. This gets to the heart ofmy singledom, however. AsGroucho Marx once said " Iwould never join a club. Ifthey let me be a member,clearly they aren't exclusiveenough.''

3) "She's really pretty. "

orders and decide what gets ordere dagain, what gets sold cheaper thanwe paid, and what gets given awayto be used for the training offamilypets. I also get to make up ads,write in the 432, and draw until Iinhale enough ink that I stare intospace muttering "The colours . . .thecolours" .

Terence Lai - Bookeeper.`Radar' mails my letters, faxes myfaxes, tries to get me to sign lettershe claims are important, and gener-ally keeps the place from fallinginto disrepair and disrepute . I havehad little luck getting him to polis hmy shoes, however.

Jesse Burnett - Sales Rep . `HotLips' is a permanent fixture in the

Disappears into the bathroomto touch up her nose powder .Takes about 30 minutes . Yo usoon discover that the best wayto get out of a conversation i sto tell her that her lipstick isgloppy and you're rescued fo rabout an hour.

4) "She's had some prettybad relationships, and she'slooking for someone as nice a s

you"Her ex is named Bluto . Ye r

toast.

5) "She thinks you're really

cute."I've lived the life of a teddy

bear. I don't need any morecheek squeezes, thank you very

much.

6) "You two are perfect for

each other."Apparently, my friends thinks Iwant to marry a duplicate ofmyself, only with nice breasts.

7) "Do you mind if I brin gmy someone along?"Proving that my friend is com-pletely oblivious to the factthat I have been trying to gether attention for the past sixmonths .

I think I've made mysel fclear. In any case, I went ou twith category 3 on Saturday,and. . . well . . . it could have bee n

worse . We went to see theRocky Horror Picture Show atthe SUB, so I delegated thetask of supplying toast. This isnot difficult to do: you maketoast, you bag toast, you carrytoast to theater.

But, n00000 . . . She forgot ,so I ended up slicing up a loa fof focaccia bread, and grillingit in a toaster oven . I began tofeel that there is no justice inthe world when I realized thatI was throwing fine Italianherb breads about a theater at1 AM whilst dodging dry hal floaves, crusty slices and a selec-tion of mouldy dinner rolls .

All this was interspersedwith several long trips to th e`little Tammy-Fae Bakker'sroom' and a general lack o f

SUS office and will be there to helpwith questions about Sales mer-chandise, sizes, colours, new prod -ucts, and generally talk your earsoff.

Tessa Moon - Sales Rep. ` Rosie'claims she has never owned a Nin-tendo . Never heard ofAtari, either .If she couldn't lie about this to me,she couldn't mislead you.

Amy Siegenthaler - Sales Rep .`The nurse who is new this seaso nand nobody knows her name `caus eeverybody just calls her ` nurse' willalso be able to help you select itemsfor size, colour, and inform you ofspecial deals or packages .

Hope to see you in blue.

comprehension throughoutthe evenings' conversations .Ahh, the evening did end on apositive note (we didn't try tohumiliate each other in a pub-lic place) and I must admitthat I have spent many worse

Saturday nights .

The greatest irony of all this

is that she probably has an IQof 200 and is mocking me,right now.

I suppose a little humility isin order.

PRE-MED SOCIETY

presentsDr. Livesley

PSYCHIATRY

Tuesday, November 9and

Dr. McCormick

OPHTHALMOLOGY'Iluesday, November 1 6

All lectures held in FNSC Rm 60at 12 :30

Influence.Power.

Caffeine.

Next 432 deadline :26 November.

8 Nov ' 93

Dik Miller, Eco-Warrior®1.

know," he noted. Most of thepeople have left because o fthat . I'm glad you stuckbehind to lend us support . Imean, it could get really lonelyhere. . ." I noticed a somewhat

®"disturbing gleam in his eye.

When we last left our hero ,Dik Miller, he had just wit-nessed a water balloon bein gdumped on Preston Manning'shead. Needless to say, all hellbroke loose . We rejoin hi mand his friends some weekslater.

"Good thing Preston Man-ning isn't Prime Minister, yo uknow," said one of the Clay-oquot protesters to me as wesat around a crackling camp-fire in the misty fog of Van-couver Isla:nd's west coast.

"Damn right," I said, rotat-ing a tofu weenie on the en dof a stick. "You know, it's kindof getting cold here . "

"It is November, you

"Look, er. . ." I said. "Uh, it'snot that you're not an attrac-tive guy or anything, but, well ,er, I'm not, er, very. . .um. . . "

He was looking puzzled."What the hell are you talkingabout?"

I looked back. "I gotta go."

"What?!"

"Um, I'm kindof. . .uh. . .asthmatic, and thehumidity is getting to me . "

"You seemed fine during thefog and rainstorm last week."

"Uh. . .I'm getting a littl echilly. "

"You're sweating."

"I . . .uh. . .I've decided thatI'm going to East Timor todefend the rainforest there ." Itwas the only thing that cameto mind .

"Really?! Great! There's aconvoy leaving tomorrow fo rthe airport . I'll introduce youand get you on your way. "

"Uh . . ." I didn't know whatto say.

"Now eat your tofu dog an dget some sleep. You have along flight tomorrow."

Damn, I thought .

Poke poke poke .

"Mmmphrlpthlth," I said .

Poke poke poke.

"Wake up, Miller. "

"Grrrrmphtlpththth," Ireplied .

"WAKE THE HELL UP!"

I cracked my eyes open ."Where am I?"

"We're about midway overthe Pacific Ocean."

I looked up. The personspeaking was in uniform ."Then why did you wake meup ?"

"You wouldn't happen t oknow how to fly a plane ,would you?"

I blinked. "Why do youask ? "

"We need someone to flythe plane. "

"What exactly happened tothe person who was hired t oEly the plane?"

"He's dead."

"You hired a dead person tofly the plane? "

"No. He died a couple of

minutes ago . "

"Well, I don't know how tofly a plane, so if you don'tmind I'm just going to go tosleep again . " I turned over andclosed my eyes . "Wake mewhen we get to Indonesia."

"At this rate," said the atten-dant, "we'll never arrive there.We'll just die a horrible, fiery,painful death as this aircraftcareens helplessly into the seathousands of miles from thenearest land!"

One of the other passengerspoked his head up over the topof the seat . "What did you say,miss?"

She looked up suddenly."Oh, nothing . "

I opened my eye again. "Allright then ." I stood up andreached into the overheadcompartment, from which Ibrought out my trenchcoat . Inone of the pockets I found myDik Miller TM Emergency Air-craft Piloting and SzechwanCooking Handbook .

"Lead on to the cockpit," Ideclared, wiping the sleepfrom my eyes .

Shoving the late pilot out o fhis seat onto the floor, I tookthe chair and gazed around meat the controls .

I grabbed my Dik Miller TMaviator's goggles and strappedthem to my face .

I put on the Dik MillerTMleather aviator's cap .

I glanced down at the man-ual .

"Contact!" I shouted .

"What was that?" asked on eof the other crew members .

"You know, when you starta plane, you're supposed toshout `Contact'! "

"This is a modern jumbojet . There are no propellers.You don't shout `Contact .' Youjust use these hyper-modern ,high-tech controls and take theplane to a safe landing i nJakarta."

"Oh." I looked back downat the handbook . I wished Ihad sent in the registrationform that entitled me to regu-lar updates . This one had aadvertiser's flash on the cove rthat tastefully pointed out theall-new chapter on navigationby Amelia Earhart .

"Where's the choke?" Iasked .

"AAAAAAAAUGH!"

When I regained conscious-ness, I was being shoved downone of those inflatable yellow

emergency slides projectingfrom the side of the plane .

I landed in a shallow pool ofwater, from which I wasplucked by a passing emergen-cy crew.

"What happened?"

"From the radio report,some nutball tried to fly theplane after the pilot died . Theymanaged to knock him outbefore he did any major dam-age and had the plane landitself on auto-pilot. Goodthing too. Would've killed th ebunch of them if they hadn'tsubdued him . "

"Oh."

"What's your name, any-way?"

"Dik Miller, Private Ey— Imean, Dik Miller, Eco-War-rior."

"Oh, you're the guy who'sheading up the East Timo rEco-Warrior Fest, aren't you?"

"Uh, I guess so . "

"Right. The governmentdeath squad will see you now."

"Oh, thanks."

Will our brave hero escapefrom the deadly clutches of theIndonesian secret police? Orwill he just bumble alon ganother inept adventure? Whatwould you bet ?

If everything to do wit hstudent politics were to beobligated tomorrow ,would the earth stopturning?Who knows? It thigh3 evenSpin faster.(In which case, we'd al lweigh less acrd tlerel`®re .there 'd l no more JennyGrads, . .) t ►

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Nov 18—Such A104

MIGRoeloLo4y

CONTEST

Frida yJan 21s t3—5 p m

"Be a UBC Brew Master"

Frkyfteaiy$Szte

ss,oism

.

Graduating?What would you like to leave behind as a

gift for the faculty ?Send your idleas to Keith

Tel: 822—4235

Grim Tales (V 2.0)

ADAMS

Preamble: It is one thing t odevote three painful hours

of your life to something . It issomething entirely

different to do it twice . Such isthe bitter irony about whichrevolves my existence . Wel-come to my neighbourhood .

Letting go is usually adifficult process for me, butthis week I did it with style (orat least I thought I did) . Forsome time now, I have beeninvolved in a very unhealthycodependent relationship . Inspite of all of his abuses, inspite of all the hours I spenttrying to figure him out, I kep tcoming back to him . But that's

was all over. The Roadrunnerand I were no more . But now,out of patience and down onmy luck, I've come crawlin gback again . I'm so ashamed .

Dear friends, we havegathered here today to lay t orest an undear, undead friend .Anyone who has ever read anyof my articles knows the Road-runner well, even if they don'tknow his name. For th erecord, the Roadrunner wasthe older and more crochetyMacintosh on and at which Iusually ended up writing and

cursing. We had a love-haterelationship: he loved makingmy life a grim shell of an exis-tence, and I hated him fordoing it . He was dead for themajority of the past week, buthas been resurrected for thesake of production night by

Dr. Ryanstein and his Band ofMerry Wreakers of Havoc .

The more astut e

among you may wonder why

this is the sequel to Gri mTales, when you really don' tquite remember having seenthe original . This is reasonable,because most people haven'tseen the original, not even ou rtrusty editor extraordinaire .

Wile E. (the other Mac, natu-rally) has apparently taken upwhere his evil cohort left offand has eaten the original ver-sion of this week's creation . Iwas the victim of a similaringestion earlier this week, the

only difference being that i nthat case, a) it was a lab reportand b) my computer gave i tback (you never realize th eimportance of commands likeUndelete until you actuallyhave to use them) . I once sawan episode of the Jetsons whereGeorge had been responsiblefor the firing of a robot, so th ecomputers (which can thinkindependentlly by this time, ofcourse) put out a Code Blue orRed (you want colour accura-cy, hire an interior decorator)on him. This meant that everysingle computer he encoun-tered just did its level day toscrew him up beyond al lrecognition . Now I don't ten dto view myself as a paranoidperson, but when I notice a

trend. . .

Anyway, as you ca nprobably tell from the title ,

this article originally had amorbid, dark sort of feel to it.

This is, of course, totally unre-lated to the fact that I've spentthe past few weeks filling outmed school applications.There's nothing to work won-ders for your self-esteem liketrying to convince others thatthey should let you into theirmed school, and then realizingthat you're not sure if theyshould. When I feel this way, Iusually try to think of some -one whose professionalprospects are worse than mine.For some reason, the only per-son whose face pops into myhead is Kim Campbell . Herwhole ad campaign was just

bad idea jeans with extra crapand a side of Spam . (Onething that you may or may nothave noticed about me is m ytendency to forge my ownexpressions, whether they are

genuinely original or amalga-mations of other things I have

heard . Bad idea jeans withextra crap and a side of Spamis one of many. I should reallywrite a glossary. )

To commemorateNovember as HappinessMonth, I submit for your ap-proval a pair of Mensa/Dens aquestions .

Mensa question : A manwalks into a room in whichthere are two doors . He isinformed that one of the doorsleads to eternal peace, happi-ness, fulfillment, etc: the

whole she-bang . The otherdoor leads to death, destruc-tion, and other fun stuff. Eachdoor is guarded by one person .The man is also told that one

guard always lies while th eother always tells the truth . I fhe is only allowed to ask onequestion of one guard, howcan he figure out which doo rto take ?

Densa question: Same guy,

same doors, only this time ,one of the guards is congeni-tally insane, while the other i sirretrievably stupid . If he isallowed to ask an infinit enumber of questions of bothguards, what are the chancesthat he will just skip the wholething and open both doorshimself?

Mensa answer : That's actu-ally a very good question . Ithought I knew the answer,but the nincompoop personwho told me the puzzle saidthat I was wrong and refuse dto give me the right answer. Itapparently wouldn't be "chal-lenging" if he did. I tried toexplain to the man that I hadbeen challenged enough fo rone lifetime, but he wouldn't

listen .

Densa answer: I tried tothink of a witty response, butI'm fresh out of wit, I'm afraid .Try me again in about thre e

weeks .

Leona

BPP presents

November 26 Bppr Garde n

November 17 Pizza & Pop

pizza 25 centspop 25 cents

12:30 IRC

First Year Committee

Pizza & Pop Nite$2 for a pizza and popFirst Year students get

first one free !

Thursday,November 18th

7 :30pmSUS CHEM 160

Annual UBC Science Undergraduate Society

a ePapereleaf, 3-hole punched, ruler, margin !

Okay, here's some Math 100 :

SUS: 500 sheets for only $1 .50Bookstore : 200 sheets for $2 .25You save $3.85 on a pack of 500 !

Bargain available only in SUS Office, CHEM 160

While supplies last! (All profits donated to charity)

Nov 22Nh) !atrc .11)1Iicuri()ntiwill 1),

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Rchatc al)hli_ari,,t i

~acllinc :

8 Nov '93

The Drawers of SUSSarah's SkivviesSarah Thornton

There's so much going on !

The Teaching Excellenceaward program is underwayagain, so get your nominationsin for your outstanding profs .

We now have an almost ful lcouncil, and there's hardl yenough seats in the counci lchamber. At a rather hecti cmeeting on October 22, weappointed people to 7year/department rep positions,so now only Geography, Geol-ogy, and Math don't havedepartment reps . Then, on the23rd, we had a Faculty of Sci-ence meeting, and approvedthe establishment of a Chai rfor Biodiversity and a bunch ofchanges to the core Sciencecurriculum. Come into theoffice to read the full packet ofchanges, but the gist is as fol-lows :

Back in Sept 92, the Facultydecided to recommend t odepartments to create 3 credit(rather than 6 credit) first yearcourses. This would allowgreater flexibility for both stu-dents and departments . As aresult, there have been somemajor changes . Physics 110 ,115 and 120 have been delet-ed, and in their places havebeen put the 3 credits coursesPhys 100, 101, 102, 121, and122 . Phys 100 is for studentswho don't have Physics 12, andPhys 101 and 102 correspondto the old 115 (121 and 122are the old 120) . Therefore ,now there are some changes inother department require-ments . Biology requires Phys

Laurie ' s LingurieLaurie Yee

In the world of SUS I findthat . . . joy of all joys, I only

have 3 council seats remainin gto be filled . You wouldn'tbelieve how strange it is to ge tto the point where things like

,"having quorum" thrill you to'your toes . Strange and such is

life. You could be a winner ofone my last and "going fast"council seats you must be i neither Math, Geology o rGeography. Come out an dintroduce yourself to me, say`hi', or just make fun of melike everyone else here . I seemto be the office klutz.

For the new First YearCommittee, a sort of PizzaGarden is being planned fo rmid-November. One free slice

of pizza and pop for frosh, and

101 (which has a pre-req o fPhys 100) only, so studentscoming in to UBC with Phys12 will only have to take 3credits of Physics . Chemistryrequires 6 credits of Physics at100 or 200 level . Etc. . . Majo rchanges that won't affect any ofus. Oh well . There have alsobeen some changes in majorand honours programs for lateryears . Nothing too drasticthough . There's a new Firs tyear course in Earth and OceanSciences, which might be flan .

'What else is going on? Well ,we are down to one computerin the office right now. Th e"baby mac" (as we affectionate-ly refer to it), otherwise knownas the Mac SE, had a ratherfatal harddrive crash . So we arelooking into fixing it and/o rpurchasing a new Centris . Themoney is a question, but its forthe use of all students,s0000

Sales is off and running,with our new Sales manager,Graeme Kennedy, and hisextremely helpful staff - Ter- .ence Lai as bookkeeper an dJesse, Amy and Tessa as staff :There's lots of neat clothes andhats and teddy-bears . Jacket swill be available after Christ-mas, so come give your orderssometime before the end of themonth .

Our exec meetings havebeen moved to a slightly morehumane hour, 6 pm on Tues-days, and council still meets onThurs at 1 :30. My office hoursare M/F at 2:30 and W at9:30 . I'm often around othertimes too . So you've no excusefor not getting your concern sheard. We're always around .

for everyone else cheap pizza .!So keep an eye out for thos eposters and come pig (oink)out . If you have any ideas fo rnon-BEvERage activities leavea note for Wordy Chui (th echair of the committee) in th eFYC box in SUS . All sugges-tions will be welcome (we wil lnot laugh, we will notlaugh . . .) .

Academics Committee i sagain running the Teachin gExcellence Award . Get you rform in for your favoutiteprof. Forms are available inChern 160 (SUS) and thisissue of The 432 . Deadline sfor nominations is November19, 1993 . That means: ge tthose forms into SUS by Nov19th.

Oh, yeah, come out andhelp us with Science Week.Call Steve Coleman (Ex-VP) .

AMS BriefsSteve Coleman

All those interested in run-ing for AMS Exec next

January - better start organiz-ing your slate now, becauseyou're not going to win other-wise. Of course, I'll be runningon a slate with the intent tolose . Some quick background :at the AMS council meetin gon 20 Oct, council passed -revised elections guidelines .The one of the original intentsof the guidelines was to limitthe financial advantage of"slates" when running in th eAMS exec elections . There wasa clause that indicated that allcampaign materials with a can-didate's name and picture on i twould count towards that can-didate's total expenses (i .e . not1/5 of the cost of the poster i f5 people were on it, but thewhole cost) . However, whenthe revised guidelines cam ebefore council, certain exe cmembers (who have sat onslates in the past, and are plan-ning to again) managed to`railroad' council into remov-ing that clause. Ryan and Itherefore brought the matte rback before council on 3 Nov,and unfortunately didn't man-age to re-install that clause, butdid manage to wake-up som eof the members . But I'll shut

Treasurer's TrunksJason S Holmes

Qkay, I lied. I got totall ysmashed at the wine &

cheese . I had a stressful week .Now I have that out of my;;ystem (along with the bottl eof wine and the rather copiousamount of beer I drank), Ishall get down to business .

To all those clubs who sub-rnitted a budget to me on time(joy!), thank-you very muchfor your cooperation . Hisssss !to those clubs which submit-ted budgets late or incomplete .Oh, I should mention that anyScience club that has a v-bal lteam must lose to the SUSSlUgS (the team I play/los eon) or receive a penalty cut i nyour funding . We will notsr:and to suffer another humili-ating defeat like we did agains tMicroBi (somewhere along thelines of 14-2, 14-4 for them) .I may be a lousy volleyballplayer, but I am a damn goodcurmudgeon !

On a great, fanfare-likenote, we received our fundingfrom der AMS! Happy, happy,

up about that topic now,because I 've already irritatedmost of the people I knowwith it already. Even so, ifyou'd like to see me gripe andcomplain, come down to SU Sand lend my your ear for a fewhours. Days . Weeks . Years .Lifetimes . Inspite of the disap-pointing result of the electionguidlines issue, I think wemade it fairly clear to the AMSexec that council is payin gattention and that we will no tblindly vote in favour o fmotions along with the exe clike a flock of sheep .

Next topic - the StudentLeadership Conference . SLCwill be over by the time thi sissue is out, but some atten-dees will still be feeling th eeffects . SLC is an annual con-ference held at the AM SWhistler Lodge, intended forprospective `student leaders' .This year, topics include theever-popular "Perfect Portraitsof Leaders" , the hold-on-to-your-chair intensity of "Lead-ership : What is it?" and mypersonal favourite "Leadershi pand the proper use of Beer inthe Hot Tub and Sauna . " Thislast topic is scheduled duringand after the CiTR dance . It'salways refreshing to be reas-sured that our student leadersknow that you shouldn't pou rbeer on the hot rocks . Confer-

joy, joy! (Now there's some-thing you don't see me sayeveryday.) This means thatSUS is actually able to operateoutside of an operating deficit ,which also means that I savemoney because I don't have t obuy as many Rolaids as I oncedid. Now all I have to worryabout is that our SoCo (or Ex-VP for that matter) doesn'tinvite the entire EUS to ou rnext beer garden for free. Ournext beer garden (as you prob-ably have read many timesnow, but I submitted my arti-cle first, at 12 :49 am Tuesdaymorning), is at 4:32pmWednesday the 10th o fNovember. And guess what ,you've got the next day off s oyou don't have to worry aboutgoing to class with a hang-over. Whoopee! M\aybe we'llcall it the "I Can't Remember .the Night Before" beer garden .Nah. Too long .

Just a reminder to the mem-bers of the Budget Committe e(i.e. BPP), there will NOT bea meeting at 12 :30 on the 11thof November.

ences like this are one of th egreat reasons to be a part o f

student councils.

Safety on campus was dis-cussed at the last meeting, withthe bike path along Tenth and

lighting on campus as majorareas of concern . Everyone a tcouncil was in agreement (foronce) that something must b e

done. What that something iswas not clear: should we writ eletters or take more directaction or what? Got any sug-gestions or comments, com etalk to me about it . Even if Ican't help you out, hopefully I

can direct you to someone wh oknows more about the issuethan I .

Comments from the SUSmembers who sit on AMScouncil :

Ryan - I don't care. I'm hav-ing an anxiety attack.

Morie - Go away. I'm sick .

Steve - Go away. I'm sick.

Keith - No, there's no meet-ing tonight. It's next week . I'msure of it .

Blair (proxy for Keith) -What a load of crap . I've los tfaith in them completely.

Next issue - more excitingnews from the world of th eAMS (tentatively titled `Moreof the Same Crap.')

Circvs ScientificvsDelwin Yung

Congratulations, Science! Wewon the most Sports points i nDay of the Longboat, and madethe event a great success with atotal of 23 teams registered.Science led the pack with 164 0points, followed by Engineeringat 1132, Gage with 993, andTotem with 978 .

Even more amazing, we hada Science team in the top threeof each category. The Tota lHydraulic Head Men's teamtook 3rd, the Women's teamYowkalhumps placed 2nd andin first place in the CoRec divi -sion - the LLAMAS.

This brings overall SportsPoint Totals as of Novembe r3rd, 1993 to:

Men: Science 2294, Engi-neering 1577, Medicine 135 8

Women: Science 1373,Totem 1132, Medicine 105 3

Finally, avoid being on awaiting list! Register your sportteam with Intermurals early!Registration dates start Novem-ber 15th and go to January 7th .

The M0000n Buggy. . .

Today was a very sad day.

Today, I had to say goodbyean old friend. That's right. Ihad to get rid of the Moo nBuggy.

Hey! Stop giggling . This is avery tender issue for me . TheMoon Buggy was one of ourfamily's all-time greatest pos-sessions . (Except for that blackvelvet rhinestone-and-cubic-zirconia-inlaid painting o fElvis that glows in the darkthat we got on Home Shop-ping Network. We'll never letgo of that . )

Allow me to explain . WhenI was very wee (small for al lyou non-Scots), I had th egreatest toy of all time . Anyonewho remembers those old six-wheeled Fisher-Price All-Ter-rain Explorers, raise you rhand .

For those of you who raisedyour hand . . . pick the newspa-

per up. For those who didn't . . .these were little vehicles abouttwo feet long and about 1 5inches high. You could ridethem, and they had four-wheelsteering, a ringing gear shift, a"squeak" horn button, a littl ecompartment in the front t ohold two itty-bitty little guys,and a trunk just big enough tohold a sandwich . (Soundfamiliar? It should . Hondabought the design from Fish-er-Price in `78, put a littl eengine in it, and called it theCivic. )

My grandad bought me thisthing when I was two yearsold, brand spanking new, for agrand total of $15 .98 (obvi-ously before the advent of theGST) . And I rode that thingnight and day all over th ehouse . Everyone in the placefeared for their toes (we pio-neered steel-toed slippers), an dthe carpet had more tire tracksin it than a raccoon on the I-5 .I'm not ashamed to say that Iwas still playing with thatthing well into age six orseven, partially just so my sis-ter couldn't play with it, butmostly because my dadwouldn't let me drive the Civicyet, even if I knew the car bet-ter than he did .

(I think it was because I hadaccustomed myself to flyin gdown the driveway on my carwithout the capacity - or theperceived necessity - to use anybrakes, and seemed to think Icould do just as well with theCivic . I guess Dad was right tohold me back . That brakething is still something I 'venever quite grasped. )

But, all good things mus tend; I eventually had to relin-quish the helm to my sister . Ithink the final telltale sign swere that when I would sit o nthe seat, my knees ended uphigher than my head and thewhole car groaned and creakedlike it was in some really seri-ous agony.

So my sister played with itfor the next five years, and Ibusied myself mainly withhockey cards, Star Wars figure sand pushing my sister downthe driveway on the Explorer(all three of which I've sincemisplaced, except my sister) .By the end of her tenure asGrand Supreme Hell-Pilot, theMoon Buggy, as it had becom eknown, was about due for it smillion-mile servicing ; the seathad cracked, the wheels werewobbly, the paint was peelin goff in sheets, and the steering

was making a really interestin gnoise .

Dad's Civic, interestinglyenough, was in about the samecondition, and by then i tdidn't have any brakes either .

But you think that was th eend of the Moon Buggy? Hah .That was only halftime! (Itwas, however, the end of theCivic .) By this time, my mum'ssister had a son, and so h ebecame the proud new ownerof the sacred vehicle. Over thenext decade, he and his littlesister rode the thing clearthrough the Eighties and intothe Nineties . They kindaroughed it up and drew al lover it (obvoiusly didn't knowa quality piece of engineeringwhen they saw one), but theydid have a car phone installedin `91 .

But alas, when my cousi nBrooke decided it just wasn'ther cup of tea, the end of theroad was nigh. Truth to tell ,she was never too fond of thething, but I can't really say Iblamed her; by the time shegot a hold of it, it looked like across between a train wreckand a graffiti competition ,with a dash of mud thrownneatly on top. After having

served twenty years on theroad and travelled roughlyfrom here to Mars and backthree or four times, the oldMoon Buggy was put out topasture.

It sat vitrually forgotten inmy grandad's workshed fortwo years. Last week he and Iwere cleaning it out, and it was ,

one of the bits that gotcleaned . As I pulled it out, Ifelt a strange mix of nostalgia,sadness, and utter disgust -nostalgia for the good times ,sadness for the end of them,and disgust for the gooeyremains of a large slug on thesteering wheel, that was now

oozing out between myclenched fingers in ratherunsightly gobs.

And so, in a solemn and pri-vate moment, I quietly saidgoodbye to the Moon Buggy,placed it on the pavement andsent it on its way.

Its obituary in the newspa-per read:

78 Honda Civic . Missin gengine . Some paint damage .$200 obo.

Hah. The poor sucker whobought it never knew the dif-ference.

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