LADY PIRATES OF

THE CARIBBEANBY

L. HENRY DOWELL

BLACK BOX THEATRE PUBLISHING

Copyright© 2012 by L. Henry DowellALL RIGHTS RESERVED

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ISBN 978-

Printed in the United States of America.

CASTCaptain Jacklyn Sparrow

Willamena TurnerGoverner Schwartzengruber

Polly the ParrotCaptain Malibu Barbossa

Bert (Elizabeth) Swann/Egbert SchwartzengruberWitch Docter

Walla Walla Bing BangFantasy PiratesGiant BeaverAnnouncer

Robert the Dreaded Phylum PoriferaPirate Judge Judy

Captain Cheryl Tiegs

5

Lady Pirates of the Caribbean

SCENE ONE

MUSIC: PIRATE TUNE.

LIGHTS: RISE on a ship docked at port. JACKLYN SPARROW enters singing. SHE is lovely, in a roguish sort of way.

JACKLYN (Singing.)Sixteen men on a dead man’s chest, yo ho ho and a bottle of rum… (Notices audience.)Avast and belay mateys! I was wondering if you would be so kind as to point me in the direction of a ship. (Turns as if THEY have pointed behind HER.)Oh. There’s a ship right there. Much obliged. Guess if it had been a shark it would’ve bitten me in the keel haul! Now, I wonder where I might find the owner of said ship? (WILLAMENA TURNER enters. Young and goodhearted, a tomboy.)I bet that’s him. (Approaches HER.)Excuse me lad. Is that your ship?

WILLAMENA You have mistaken me, Ma’am, I am no lad. (Removes HER hat.)

JACKLYNGreat oogly moogly! Why you’re a girl!

WILLAMENAAnd you, Ma’am, are very perceptive…for a pirate!

6

SHE draws HER sword.

JACKLYNHey now…wait just a minute here…what was your name again?

WILLAMENATurner…Willamena Turner.

JACKLYNWell, Miss Willamena Turner…what do you have against pirates, anyway?

WILLAMENAA pirate killed my father!

JACKLYNI see. My condolences to your mother.

WILLAMENAA pirate killed my mother, too!

JACKLYNA-ha. And why exactly do you think I’m a pirate? I have no black beard, peg leg, or eye patch nor do I have anything resembling a hook. Any one of which might indicate that, yes indeed I could be a pirate. However the noticeable absence of any of these “piratey” affectations should absolve me of any such designation.

WILLAMENA ponders this, scratches HER head, looks at JACKLYN who smiles a big toothy smile.

WILLAMENAWell, heck. I guess that makes sense.

SHE drops HER sword. JACKLYN raises

7

HERS.

JACKLYNSucker.

WILLAMENAOoooo! You are such a…such a…

JACKLYNPirate?

WILLAMENAExactly!

JACKLYNGuilty.

WILLAMENAI’m such a dope.

JACKLYNYep.

WILLAMENAJust who are you?

JACKLYNMe? Why I’m only the greatest lady pirate to ever sail the seven seas!

WILLAMENAMalibu Barbossa?

JACKLYNNo! I’m not Malibu Barbossa. And if you knew her like I do you wouldn’t say that! I’m… (Blows a kazoo.)

8

Jacklyn Sparrow! Rightful Captain of The White Onyx! (Silence.) I said… (SHE blows the kazoo again.)Jacklyn Sparrow! Rightful Captain of The White Onyx! (Silence.)Well surely you’ve heard of me?

WILLAMENA looks at audience and shrugs.

WILLAMENASorry…but no.

JACKLYNWell…in that case…en guard! (Brandishes HER sword.)

WILLAMENA raises HER sword. THEY circle EACH OTHER and fight.

WILLAMENAWhat do you want?

JACKLYNYour boat!

WILLAMENAThat isn’t my boat! But I can get you one very cheap!

JACKLYNHow so, young Turner?

WILLAMENAMy cousin Eddie has a dealership. He can fix you right up!

JACKLYN

9

Late model?

WILLAMENAOf course.

JACKLYNLeather seats?

WILLAMENAWhatever you like.

JACKLYNI fancy that boat sitting in the harbor there.

WILLAMENAThat’s the Governor’s boat.

JACKLYNThe Governor?

WILLAMENAYes. Governor Schwartzengruber. He loves that boat. Calls it the “Governator”.

JACKLYNHmmm. Big boat. What are the taxes like here?

WILLAMENATerrible.

JACKLYNFigures.

WILLAMENAI have a question. If I might?

JACKLYNOf course.

10

THEY stop fighting for a minute.

WILLAMENAIf you are… (Gestures to kazoo.)May I?

JACKLYNOf course. (Hands HER the kazoo.)

WILLAMENAIf you are… (Blows kazoo.)Jacklyn Sparrow! Rightful Captain of The White Onyx, just where might this “White Onyx” be? (Hands kazoo back to JACKLYN.)

JACKLYN (Wiping kazoo off.)It’s an honest question under the circumstances and in all honesty I’m obliged to tell you the honest truth…or some version of the truth…and that truth is, Willamena Turner, that my ship was stolen.

WILLAMENAStolen?

JACKLYNTrue story.

WILLAMENABy who?

JACKLYNPirates.

11

WILLAMENAThat seems…

JACKLYNIronic? Yes. It does, doesn’t it? But you see, they weren’t good honest salt of the earth Sunday go to meetin’ types like myself. (Turns to someone in the audience.)I see you snickering! Quit that! (Composes HERSELF.)These pirates were real scallywags! And their captain was the biggest scallywag of them all! Malibu Barbossa!

WILLAMENACaptain Malibu Barbossa? I hear she’s supposed to be absolutely gorgeous!

JACKLYNWell she’s not. She’s overly tall. And…she has a peg leg.

WILLAMENAReally?

JACKLYNAnd she has the scurvy!

WILLAMENAThat’s awful.

JACKLYNAnd her crew consists of a bunch of no goods who stole my ship and abandoned me in the most awful of places!

WILLAMENAWhere’s that?

JACKLYN

12

Disneyland.

WILLAMENAYikes!

JACKLYNI know. Happiest place on earth, my butt!

WILLAMENAHow did you ever escape that awful place?

JACKLYNI hitched a ride on the back of a large rodent! A seven foot mouse to be precise.

WILLAMENAHow unusual.

JACKLYNThat’s what I thought.

WILLAMENA Hard to believe, really.

JACKLYNPirate’s honor…for whatever that’s worth. Anyway, I need to commandeer a ship, so I can catch up to Malibu Barbossa, before she reaches the treasure.

WILLAMENAOf course, I understand…WHAT??? Did you say “treasure”?

JACKLYNDid I? I don’t know. I can’t remember. WILLAMENA

13

I’m pretty sure you did. I’m pretty sure you said, “I need to commandeer a ship, so I can catch up to Malibu Barbossa, before she reaches the treasure”.

JACKLYNYou’ve got a pretty good memory there, kid. A little too good.

WILLAMENAI’m sorry Jacklyn, there’s no way on earth the Governor will let you take his ship.

GOVERNOR (Offstage.)Oh no! (GOVERNOR enters. A big guy with an accent.)Oh Willamena, it’s awful! (Notices JACKLYN.)Who’s this?

WILLAMENAGovernor, this is Captain Jacklyn Sparrow. Jacklyn, this is our Governor. Governor Schwartzengruber.

JACKLYNCharmed.

GOVERNORLikewise.

WILLAMENAYou were saying?

GOVERNOROh yes! It’s awful! My poor baby!

WILLAMENAWhat is it, Governor?

14

GOVERNORMy poor little Egbert! He’s run away!

WILLAMENAOh no!

JACKLYNWho’s Egbert?

GOVERNORHe left this note.

JACKLYNWho’s Egbert?

WILLAMENA (Reading.)Dear Father, I have decided to run away and become a pirate. Love, Egbert.

JACKLYNWho’s Egbert?

WILLAMENAEgbert…or Bert as I call him, is my boyfriend. He’s the Governor’s son.

GOVERNORHe’s far too fragile to be a pirate. Pirates are nasty awful creatures. Cut-throats and scoundrels all. If I ever see a pirate in these parts, I’ll have them strung up! (To JACKLYN.)What did you say you did for a living, Miss Sparrow?

JACKLYNI’m an insurance saleswoman.

15

WILLAMENAI’ll go after him, Sir.

GOVERNORYou will?

JACKLYNYes! “We” will. But we’ll need a ship.

GOVERNORA ship?

JACKLYN (Points to ship.)That ship. GOVERNORThat ship?

JACKLYNThat ship.

WILLAMENAIt’s the only way, Governor.

GOVERNOROk, but be careful. I just had it washed and waxed. (HE hands HER the keys. SOUND: Unlock beep.)

WILLAMENAWe’ll be careful, Sir. I promise.

JACKLYNI’ll treat her as if she was my own ship. (THEY shoot HER a look.)That is…if insurance saleswomen had ships.

16

GOVERNOR (Blows nose.)Don’t let anything happen to him. He’s all I have.

WILLAMENAWe’ll bring Bert back safe and sound, Sir.

GOVERNORI was referring to the boat.

GOVERNOR exits.

JACKLYNWe have a ship.

WILLAMENATo go after Bert. Not to go chasing your ship.

JACKLYNHow do you know Bert isn’t on my ship?

WILLAMENAIt seems a long shot.

JACKLYNYou don’t know how these stories usually turn out, do you?

WILLAMENAAm I being naïve?

JACKLYNUnbearably.

WILLAMENAOk. We’ll do this your way. But we can’t sail that ship all by ourselves. We’re going to need a crew.

JACKLYN

17

Yes, we do.

Thinks for a moment. POLLY enters. SHE is a giant parrot in a Hawaiian shirt and sunglasses.

POLLYCould you guys keep it down? I have a killer headache.

WILLAMENALook! It’s a giant turkey!

POLLYI am not a turkey kid, I’m a parrot.

WILLAMENAMighty big parrot.

POLLYLook! I have a glandular problem, ok?

JACKLYNTurner, this is my old friend, Polly the Parrot.

POLLYThey told me you would be down here, Jacklyn.

JACKLYNPolly and I go way back. She used to belong to my mother.

POLLYHow is the old broad?

JACKLYN

18

Don’t know. Last I saw of her she took off in a small rowboat looking for MacGuffin’s treasure.

POLLYAnd she left Malibu in charge of The White Onyx?

JACKLYNHardly. She stole it.

POLLYAnd you are going to get it back.

JACKLYNI am.

POLLY Count me in, then. Life’s been getting a little dull here lately.

JACKLYNIs that so? Then who are those big guys coming this way?

POLLY (Looking in the distance. SOUND: ANGRY VOICES YELLING.)Oh no! You gotta take me with you, Jacklyn! I borrowed money from those guys!

JACKLYNWhy do they look so mad?

POLLYEvidently they wanted me to pay it back! Let’s get out of here!

JACKLYNAll hands to the ship! Fast!

THEY run offstage. SOUND: VOICES GET

19

LOUDER. LIGHTS: BLACKOUT.

SCENE TWO

LIGHTS: RISE on The White Onyx. Flashbulbs pop. MUSIC: Runway type music. MALIBU BARBOSSA strike poses to the music. Walking the ship like a catwalk.

ALLMiss Swann!!!

BERT enters, dressed as a lady pirate.

BERTYou rang, Captain?

MALIBUEvery member of this crew is expected to pull their weight, Miss Swann.

BERTWhat crew? It’s just us.

MALIBUInconsequential. Where were you anyway?

BERTI was unpacking. I brought a lot of stuff. You just never know what you might need for a voyage at sea…and speaking of that, where are we going anyway, Captain?

MALIBU

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Where do you think? In search of treasure! But not just any treasure. We are searching for MacGuffin’s treasure! Something so wonderful that no self respecting lady pirate could live without!

BERTWhere is it?

MALIBUSomewhere...out there.

BERTOut there? That seems kind of vague. How will we find it “out there”?

MALIBUThat’s the trick, isn’t it? But it is out there somewhere, in the vastness of the ocean. Guarded by a fearsome and savage creature, known only as Robert the Dreaded Phylum Porifera!

BERTRobert the Dreaded Phylum Porifera?

MALIBUThat’s right. No one who’s ever laid eyes on him has returned to tell the tale.

BERTThen how do we even know his name?

MALIBUThat’s a good question.

BERTHow do we know where to look? Where to start looking?

MALIBU

21

My mother, the original captain of this ship, had a special compass. She claimed it could lead her to adventure, but mostly it just got us into trouble. We were using the compass to find our way to the treasure, when my sister stole it. Jacklyn Sparrow? Perhaps you’ve heard of her?

BERTCan’t say as I have.

MALIBUFigures.

BERTSo, we have to find Jacklyn Sparrow to get the compass to find the treasure guarded by the monster, somewhere...“out there”.

MALIBUExactly.

BERTThen what?

MALIBUWhat do you think Miss Swann? We get famous!

BERTAren’t there easier ways to get famous? Something that doesn’t require facing horrible creatures like…what was its name again?

MALIBURobert the Dreaded Phylum Porifera, and yes, I’m sure there are easier ways. But we are pirates. It’s what we do. Now let’s get ready for the night shift!

BERTAye, aye Captain!

22

LIGHTS: BLACKOUT. SOUND: GIANT CRASH!!!

WILLAMENAWhat happened?

BERTWe hit something!

POLLYWhat’d we hit? An iceberg?

WILLAMENAAn iceberg? That’s just crazy!

BERTThis ship’s too big to be hurt by an iceberg!

POLLYFamous last words!

WILLAMENASomeone get a lantern!

BERTI think we hit another ship!

POLLYAnother ship? Out here in the middle of the ocean? That would be nearly implausible!

WILLAMENACaptain Sparrow is going to flip her lid!

BERTDon’t you mean, Captain Barbossa?

23

WILLAMENA and BERTWait a minute…who are you???

SILENCE.

ALLCAPTAIN!!!

LIGHTS: RISE to find BOTH CREWS face to face, somewhat toppled over ONE ANOTHER.

JACKLYN and MALIBUHey! I’ve been looking for you! Me? I’ve been looking for you! Stop repeating what I say! You did it again! I said stop that! You did it again! You’re asking for it! Don’t say I didn’t warn you! Pirates! Attack!

EPIC BATTLE MUSIC plays as the CREWS do battle. Finally only JACKLYN and MALIBU are standing, swords crossed.

MALIBUHi, Sis.

JACKLYNMalibu.

MALIBUHeard from Mom lately?

JACKLYNYou know I haven’t. You?

MALIBUNot a word.

24

JACKLYNThis is my ship.

MALIBUThe last time I checked, I was Captain.

JACKLYNMom wanted me to have it.

MALIBUFinders keepers, losers weepers.

JACKLYNI didn’t lose it. You stole it.

MALIBUI’m the better captain.

JACKLYNDebatable. I’m the better pirate.

MALIBUHardly. I’m taller.

JACKLYNYes. I admit it. You’ve got me on that one. You’re a veritable, jolly, green giant among the pirate set.

WILLAMENALadies…maybe we could try working together here?

JACKLYN and MALIBUNever!

WILLAMENA

25

Captain Sparrow? What is it that you want?

JACKLYNWhat do you mean?

WILLAMENAWhy are we here? What do you want?

JACKLYNI want my ship back.

WILLAMENAWhy?

JACKLYNBecause The White Onyx means freedom. Absolute freedom.

WILLAMENACaptain Barbossa, what do you want?

MALIBUFame. I want everyone to know who I am. With MacGuffin’s treasure, I can have that.

WILLAMENALook, maybe we can all get what we want out of this.

JACKLYN and MALIBUHow?

WILLAMENABy combining our crews and going after the treasure.

MALIBUThe kid might have a point.

JACKLYNDon’t encourage her.

26

MALIBUWe’ll use my ship.

JACKLYNIt’s my ship!

WILLAMENAWe’ll use “this” ship!

JACKLYNAnd my compass.

MALIBUIt’s my compass!

WILLAMENAWe’ll use “the” compass! JACKLYN, MALIBU and WILLAMENATo locate MacGuffin’s treasure!

JACKLYNAnd then?

MALIBUWhat then?

JACKLYNAfter we find MacGuffin’s treasure?

MALIBUThen I’ll take the treasure and be gone…and we’ll leave you The White Onyx.

JACKLYN

27

And the compass.

MALIBUFine. Once I get my hands on that treasure I won’t be needing that piece of junk anyway.

JACKLYNDo we have an accord?

MALIBUAye, Sis. That we do.

THEY do a weird pirate handshake.

BERTMy father’s going to kill me when he sees what you’ve done to his ship.

WILLAMENABert?

ALLBert???

MALIBUDon’t you mean Elizabeth? This is Elizabeth Swann. Our newest crew member. JACKLYNNo. Evidently this is Egbert Schwartzengruber. (SHE takes BERT’S wig off.)

MALIBU, POLLY and WILLAMENAGasp!

POLLYI knew there was something funny about her!

28

WILLAMENA and BERT embrace.

MALIBUSo, which way are we going?

JACKLYN looks at compass.

JACKLYN (Pointing.)That way…no wait…that way.

MALIBUYou’re certain, Jacklyn?

JACKLYNExtremely, undeniably, uncertain to be certain.

MALIBUHuh?

JACKLYN (Pointing.)That way.

LIGHTS: FADE TO BLACK.

29

SCENE THREE

LIGHTS: RISE on OLD ITCHY and OLD SCRATCHY.

LIGHTS: RISE on WITCH DOCTOR and WALLA WALLA BING BANG.

WALLA WALLAZe plane boss! Ze plane! Ze plane!

WITCH DOCTORWhat?

WALLA WALLAI mean…Ze pirates boss! Ze pirates! Ze Pirates!

JACKLYN, MALIBU, WILLAMENA, BERT and POLLY enter.

WICH DOCTORWelcome, friends! Welcome to the Island of Fantasies! Not to be confused with Fantasy Island, whose copyright is owned by someone else. I am the Witch Doctor and this is my friend Walla Walla Bing Bang. Say hello, Walla Walla Bing Bangs!

WALLA WALLA

30

Walla walla bing bang!

WITCH DOCTORI love this little guy! Now, can I offer you a cold beverage?

GROUPNo thank you. I’m fine. Very nice of you to offer. Etc.

WITCH DOCTORSo, what brings you here? As if I did not already know!

JACKLYNWe’ve come seeking MacGuffin’s treasure.

WITCH DOCTORI knew you were going to say that! Am I good or what?

WILLAMENAYou know of MacGuffin’s treasure?

WITCH DOCTOROf course, I do!

MALIBUDo you have it?

WITCH DOCTOROf course, I don’t!

POLLYDo you know who does?

WITCH DOCTOROf course, I do!

WILLAMENAWill you direct us to them?

31

WITCH DOCTOROf course, I will!

JACKLYNWill you stop talking like that?

WITCH DOCTOROkie dokie.

JACKLYNThank you.

WITCH DOCTORThe treasure is guarded by a creature so terrible that none who have laid eyes on it…

MALIBUHave lived to tell the tale. Yes, we know all that already. If you would be so kind to as point us in the right direction. We know it’s on this island somewhere.

WITCH DOCTOR pulls out a map, then tears it into five pieces.

JACKLYNNow, why’d you go and do that for!

MALIBUIt’s in pieces.

WITCH DOCTORVery observant. (SHE removes HER hat and places the pieces in it.)Each of you take a piece of this map. It will lead four of you to your fondest wishes. To one of you, it will lead to MacGuffin’s treasure...and certain doom!

32

POLLYRemind me not to hang out with you guys anymore.

THEY draw and look at THEIR pieces, then exit in different directions.

WITCH DOCTORGood luck, you foolish pirates! You are going to need it!

WALLA WALLAWalla Walla Bing Bang!

LIGHTS: BLACKOUT.

33

SCENE FOUR

LIGHTS: SPOTLIGHT illuminates stage.

MUSIC: ADVENTUROUS FIGHT MUSIC. WILLAMENA Enters followed by FANTASY PIRATES. WILLAMENA fights them, defeating ALL. LIGHTS: BLACKOUT.

34

SCENE FIVE

LIGHTS: SPOTLIGHT illuminates stage. BERT enters.

BERTHello? Anybody there? Hello? (GIANT BEAVER(Or any other animal.) enters, circles BERT.)Wow! You are a big fellow aren’t you? Can I help you with something?

TANGO MUSIC. THE BEAVER and BERT tango. LIGHTS: BLACKOUT.

35

SCENE SIX

LIGHTS: SPOTLIGHT illuminates stage. MALIBU enters. Does Dramatic Monologue from GONE WITH THE WIND or something equally dramatic. SOUND: APPLAUSE. Flowers are handed to her.

ANNOUNCER…and the winner, for Best Actress in a Dramatic Role…is Malibu Barbossa!

MALIBUThis is such an honor. First of all I would like to thank the Academy. I would also like to thank my director, and all of you, you love me...you really love me!

SOUND: APPLAUSE. LIGHTS: FADE TO BLACK.

36

SCENE SEVEN

LIGHTS: SPOTLIGHT illuminates stage. BERT comes sneaking on.

BERTIf anyone can hear me, something has gone horribly wrong! This is not my fondest wish! I am being stalked by a giant beaver who seems to have mistaken me for his girlfriend. Please send help! (GIANT BEAVER enters.)He’s right behind me, isn’t he?

BERT turns, screams, and runs. BEAVER chases. LIGHTS: FADE TO BLACK.

37

SCENE EIGHT

LIGHTS: SPOTLIGHT illuminates a box of crackers sitting on a pedestal. AUTHOR’S NOTE: If possible, having an actor dressed as a giant box of crackers would be as equally funny. POLLY enters. MUSIC: WALTZ. POLLY dances with crackers. LIGHTS: FADE TO BLACK.

38

SCENE NINE

LIGHTS: SPOTLIGHT illuminates stage. MUSIC: WEDDING MARCH. BEAVER enters wearing bow tie and top hat. BERT enters wearing white veil and holding bouquet . BERTThis. Is. Not. My. Fondest. Wish.

LIGHTS: BLACKOUT.

39

SCENE TEN

LIGHTS: RISE DIMLY on a cavern. LIGHTS: ILLUMINATE a treasure chest. JACKLYN enters.

JACKLYNHello? Hellloooo? Well, seeing as how this is obviously not Tortuga, rum capital of the world, nor do I see any muscley armed cabana boys, I’m just going to assume the famous Jacklyn Sparrow bad luck has struck again.

ROBERT (Offstage. Breathing heavy.)Who are you, my precious?

JACKLYNWho said that?

ROBERTI did…..my precious!

JACKLYNAnd just who are you?

40

ROBERTGuess!

JACKLYNAunt Gladys?

ROBERTNo, precious.

JACKLYNAbraham Lincoln?

ROBERTNope.

JACKLYNSanta Claus?

ROBERTWho?

JACKLYNNevermind. I give up.

ROBERTSurely, precious has heard the stories?

JACKLYNThe stories no one ever lives to tell?

ROBERTThose are the ones.

JACKLYNThe stories of a creature so hideous and awful that the very sight of which would make a grown man soil his trousers?

41

ROBERTEeeeewwwwwww. People say that? Why, that’s just disgusting.

JACKLYNI thought so, too. My name is Jacklyn. Jacklyn Sparrow. Rightful Captain of The White Onyx.

ROBERTOoooooooo, precious is a pirate!

JACKLYNThat’s right.

ROBERTA girl pirate?

JACKLYN“Lady”.

ROBERTI beg your pardon?

JACKLYNWe prefer to be called “lady pirates”.

ROBERTI didn’t know that, precious.

JACKLYNWhy don’t you show yourself…whoever you are?

ROBERTYou know my name. Everybody knows my name.

JACKLYNIs that so?

42

ROBERT (Sing songy.)Who lives in cavern way out in the sea?

JACKLYN (Continuing the sing songy pattern.)Robert the Dreaded Phylum Porifera?

ROBERTIcky and mean and frightening is he!

JACKLYNRobert the Dreaded Phylum Porifera!

ROBERT (Stepping into the light, a yellow spongy creature in squarish pants.)Call me Bob…precious!

ROBERT circles JACKLYN.

JACKLYNBob it is, then.

ROBERTWhy have you come so far from your pirate ship, my precious?

JACKLYNI’m looking for something, and I was told you might be able to help me find it.

ROBERTWho told you that…the starfish?

JACKLYNUh…yes? The starfish told me.

43

ROBERTWell, he’s got a big mouth.

JACKLYNI thought we might make a game out of it.

ROBERTOoooooo, a game! I love games! Especially Parcheesi and Candyland!

JACKLYNI need you to help me with this game…Bob.

ROBERTOh gooooody!

JACKLYNI am looking for something very valuable.

ROBERTYes? Yes? Tell me more! I love a good riddle, precious!

JACKLYNIt’s something that’s one of a kind.

ROBERTYesssssss?

JACKLYNAnd I bet it’s in that chest over there.

ROBERTThis chest?

JACKLYNThat chest.

44

ROBERTIt couldn’t be in this chest, my precious!

JACKLYNAnd why not, may I ask?

ROBERTThere’s nothing in this chest but my birthday present!

JACKLYNYour birthday present?

ROBERTMy birthday present!

JACKLYNMay I see it?

ROBERTYes. No. Maybe.

JACKLYN“Yes. No. Maybe?” What does that mean exactly?

ROBERTLet’s play a game, precious! I’ll ask it a riddle…No! I’ll ask it three riddles and if precious can answer all three riddles, I will let it see my birthday present!

JACKLYNI guess that’s fair enough. Go ahead.

ROBERTWhat do you call a pirate with all his arms and legs?

JACKLYNThat’s a tough one. Hmmm…how about a rookie?

45

ROBERTToo easy! That one was too easy! You won’t get this next one!

JACKLYNTry me.

ROBERTWhere does a pirate captain keep his buccaneers?

JACKLYNWhere does a pirate captain keep his buccaneers?

ROBERTPrecious doesn’t know!

JACKLYNJust a moment, just a moment.

ROBERTPrecious doesn’t know! Precious doesn’t know!

JACKLYNWell, the last time I checked, the pirate captain kept his buccaneers…under his buccan-hat!

ROBERTArrrrrggghhhh! No! I had you! I had you!

JACKLYNHardly. That’s an old one.

ROBERTWhat’s a pirate’s favorite kind of socks?

JACKLYNArrrrrr-gyl!

46

ROBERTWhat’s a pirate’s favorite music?

JACKLYNArrrrrr and B!

ROBERTWhat’s a pirate’s favorite restaurant?

JACKLYNWell….most people would say Arrrrr-by’s!

ROBERTHa!

JACKLYNBut I prefer Long John Silver’s!

ROBERTWhat about a one legged pirate?

JACKLYNI don’t know…I-Hop maybe!

ROBERTNo fair! No fair! Precious cheated!

JACKLYNI did not cheat! What do you take me for?

ROBERTA pirate!

JACKLYNTouché. But a bargain is a bargain, and I answered your riddles...all SIX of them.

47

ROBERTBirthday cake! Would precious like a piece of my birthday cake? JACKLYNBirthday cake? Really?

ROBERTIt’s chocolate.

JACKLYNYes. I would love a piece of your birthday cake.

ROBERTYay! I’ll go get it. You wait right here, my precious.

JACKLYNWhat a great idea! I’ll wait right here till you get back.

ROBERTPromise?

JACKLYNPromise. (ROBERT exits. JACKLYN indicates that SHE had HER fingers crossed.)Hello? Pirate! (Opens chest. It illuminates HER face.)Oh my! MacGuffin’s treasure…it’s waterproof mascara! MUSIC: HALLELUIA CHORUS. SHE puts some on, then exits with chest. ROBERT enters with cake.

ROBERT

48

I didn’t know if you wanted ice cream or not, so I…precious? Precious, where did you go? Wait! Precious took my birthday present! My birthday present! (Screaming.)MY BIRTHDAY PRESENT!!!

LIGHTS: BLACKOUT.

SCENE ELEVEN

LIGHTS: RISE on scene. ALL (except BERT) stand around table and chair.

MALIBUI’m just saying that since the ship that brought us here was mine, that makes me the captain, and therefore entitled to the larger share of that treasure!

JACKLYNAnd I’m saying that by all rights the ship should be mine, making me the captain and therefore entitled to the captain’s share of this treasure, which I found!

MALIBUI’m just not going to be comfortable with that arrangement Jacklyn.

JACKLYNI guess we’ll just have to agree to disagree then.

49

THEY pull swords.

WILLAMENAWait! Surely there’s an easier way to solve this other than battle.

JACKLYN and MALIBU look at EACH OTHER.

JACKLYN and MALIBUCOURT!

WILLAMENACourt?

WITCH DOCTORPirate court, to be exact.

MUSIC: TV COURTROOM MUSIC.

WITCH DOCTORWhat you are about to witness is real. The participants are not actors…well, actually, they are. Actors playing pirates in a witty parody. Both parties have agreed not to kill each other in another time consuming battle scene and instead have their disputes settled here, in our forum, The Pirate Court. (PIRATE JUDGE JUDY enters.)Pirate Judge Judy presiding.

PIRATE JUDGE JUDYAaaaaar!

ALLAaaaaar!

PIRATE JUDGE JUDY

50

I’ve read your complaints and I know you like to swear!

ALLAaaaaar!

PIRATE JUDGE JUDYAaaaaar! Now what be the issue here, and don’t waste me time with all your bluster! Shoot it to me straight. Do you promise to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth?

ALLAaaaaar!

PIRATE JUDGE JUDYI see your fingers crossed behind your backs you, scurvy dogs! Just tell me what happened. MALIBUJudge Judy, our mother, Captain Cheryl Tiegs, disappeared mysteriously some years ago, without naming her successor as Captain of The White Onyx.

JACKLYNMy “sister” over here stole the ship for herself and left me stranded in a god forsaken, bottomless pit of a place.

PIRATE JUDGE JUDYWhere was that?

JACKLYNDisneyland.

ALLGasp!

MALIBUCome on! It wasn’t that bad! They had cotton candy!

51

JACKLYNAnd seven foot tall rodents! But I escaped and eventually found my ship, journeyed here to the Island of Fantasies, where, after a great deal of song, dance and poorly constructed plot devices I managed to lay my hands on this…MacGuffin’s Treasure, which my “sister” here now claims the captain’s share of!

PIRATE JUDGE JUDYIs the mascara as nice as the tales tell?

JACKLYNNicer. I’ll let you borrow some after court.

PIRATE JUDGE JUDYThanks.

MALIBUWait a minute! You can’t be giving away my mascara! I’m the Captain of The White Onyx!

JACKLYNNo! I’m the Captain of The White Onyx!

CAPTAIN TIEGS (Offstage.)Actually, I’m the Captain of The White Onyx. (Enters.)

ALLCaptain Tiegs!

JACKLYN and MALIBUMother?

CAPTAIN TIEGSThat’s right. I didn’t name a new captain because I had every intention of coming back. Didn’t you get my message?

52

JACKLYNWhat message?

MALIBUThere was no message.

CAPTAIN TIEGSPolly?

ALL look at POLLY.

POLLYOoops.

CAPTAIN TIEGSI had discovered the location of MacGuffin’s Treasure and went to check it out, but I got held up by a little yellow guy who was guarding it.

MALIBURobert the Dreaded Phylum Porifera?

JACKLYNHe prefers to be called Bob.

CAPTAIN TIEGSYes, Bob. That guy sure does love riddles. Anyway, by the time I returned to the ship, it was gone.

MALIBUAnd it took you fifteen years to find us?

CAPTAIN TIEGSHello? I was in a row boat. And besides, I found a map that led me to something even better than MacGuffin’s Treasure!

53

ALLBetter?

JACKLYNWait a minute. You’ve been gone fifteen years and you don’t look like you’ve aged a day.

MALIBUYou found the Fountain of Nutrigena, didn’t you, Mother?

CAPTAIN TIEGSMaybe. Listen girls! This stuff is incredible! I think we could bottle it and sell it, I really do!

JACKLYNWhat? And give up the pirate life?

ALLNEVER!!!

MUSIC: FESTIVE PIRATE MUSIC. EVERYONE gets down with their badselves

THE END

54

55

SUPPORTING MATERIALS

The Black Box Theatre Publishing Company offers a variety of supporting material to help your company produce your play. Check out our website www.blackboxtheatrepublishing.com for more details.

PROMPT BOOKSDesigned for Directors, Stage Managers and Technicians.

Text and pagination identical to standard script. Comes in a sturdy three-ring binder, with

pockets. Extra wide margins, with blank page opposite

text. Ample room for cues, blocking, and other notes.

Price $15.00

POSTERS 11X17 card stock. Full color design using the image on the front

cover of the play and your organization’s information.

Price $2.00

WOODEN SWORDS 36" overall. Solid hardwood construction with an oak

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So, Who Was That Masked Guy Anyway? is the story of Ernie, the grandson of the original Masked Cowboy, a lawman who fought for truth, justice and the cowboy way in the old west.

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WANTED: SANTA CLAUS is the story of what happens when a group of department store moguls led by the greedy B. G.

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At the edge of the universe sits The Long John Cafe. A place where the average guy and the

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"May the Dwarf be with you!"

A wacky take on the classic fairy tale which will have audiences rolling in the floor with laughter!

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"My dreams of thee flow softly. They enter with tender rush.

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They say that porcelain is the best antenna for creativity. At least that's what this cast of young people believe in Dear John: An ode to the potty!

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Declassified after 40 years!

On December 21, 1970, an impromptu meeting took place between the King of Rock and Roll

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In the beginning, there was a man.Then there was a woman.

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Count Dracula is bored. He's pretty much sucked Transylvania dry, and he's looking for a new challenge. So it's off to New

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THE FOUR PRESIDENTS examines the lives and characters of four of the most colorful personalities to hold the office. Much of the dialogue comes from the Presidents' own words.

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THE GREAT EMANCIPATOR is the story of a simple man. Born in the wilds of Kentucky and mostly self taught, Abraham Lincoln would someday be regarded as the greatest American who ever lived.

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The lights rise on a beautiful sunset.A mermaid is silhouetted against an ocean backdrop.

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Copyright infringement?Throw out the costumes!

What's that? There's a bunch of old clothes backstage from the 1970's? Well, don't just stand there! Go get them!

Ditch the music!What? Somebody's mom has a greatest disco hits cd out in the

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