Claudia Cunningham has used her uniquely powerful combination of 12-stepprinciplesandvampireloretoempowerothersfornearlyadecade.Her'AsktheSlayer" column was a regular feature in Women's Online Magazine and shecontinues to write a popular blog at practicalslayer.blogspot.com. Throughouther life, Claudia has both hosted and slain her fair share of bloodthirstyvampires. Now a vigilant Watcher, she avidly shares the power of love,community,andlivinginthelight.AnativeofMilwaukee,andtransplantfromhitherandyon, she lives inMontanawithherhandsomehusband,Robert, andtheirtrapezeswingingdaughter,MadelineJane.

ToWritetotheAuthor

If you wish to contact the author or would like more information about thisbook, pleasewrite to the author in care of LlewellynWorldwide andwewillforwardyourrequest.Boththeauthorandpublisherappreciatehearingfromyouand learning of your enjoyment of this book and how it has helped you.LlewellynWorldwidecannotguaranteethateveryletterwrittentotheauthorcanbeanswered,butallwillbeforwarded.Pleasewriteto:

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CLAUDIACUNNINGHAM

TomyhusbandRobertanddaughterMadelineJane:Forkeeps

Listof"AsktheSlayer"Columnsxi

HowtoUseThisBookxv

Self-Testxix

I

FromDarknessintoLight

1.TheFundamentalsofSlayingTHEORIGIN,THEVAMPIRE,THEVOCABULARY,ANDTHERULES...................3

TheVampire5

OurVocabulary7

OurRules13

2.WhenaVampireCallsHowTHEYSOLICITTHEIRINVITATIONS..............21

VampireSolicitations22

3.WhenTheyBiteEXAMININGOURWOUNDS-INSIDEANDOUT.........41

TheWayaVampireLooksAndSounds42

CaseinPoint:TedtheJoshingVampire46

MoreDiagnostics:TheWayTheyDotheThingsTheyDo49

LookingWithin53

4.AWordAboutPowerFROMBUFFYHERSELF...........................67

WakingUp73

5.CrossingtheThresholdEXTENDINGOURINVITATIONSANDTHERELUCTANTHOST.......................77

Opportunity81

Guardianship82

TheReluctantHost84

6. Living in Darkness DENIAL AND THE BIRTH OF THEVAMPIRE.............93

HowVampiresBenefitfromOurDenial97

TheBirthoftheVampire102

II

BitingBack

7.WhatWe'llNeedtoFightTHESLAYERARSENAL..........................109

OneRoadtoClarity111

ASecondRoadtoClarity:BringingtheLightwithUs116

YourSpiritualSearchlight121

MoreLight,MoreClarity,MoreHumility:OursfortheReceiving125

8.TheMenuCHOOSINGHOWTOBITEBACK...................131

ABriefLectureonNo-Good,ToxicJudgments132

1.Forgiveness134

2.WaitandSee139

3.RevokingOurInvitations141

4.SlayingtheVampire142

9.ChoosingtoEvictSPECIFICINSTRUCTIONSFORREVOKINGOURINVITATIONS149

TheHeartofPracticalVampireSlaying150

10.ChoosingtoSlayTHEWAYTOAPERMANENTSOLUTION.............I79

TheVampiresWeSlay181

TheEssentials183

ANewPlan186

III

LivingintheLight

11.SpiritualGarlicSOMETHOUGHTSONGRATITUDEANDONEOFMYFAVORITESTORIESABOUTGOD..........201

AboutGod204

SpiritualGarlic205

Acknowledgments213

WhatIsThis?...........................xii

NotGoth................................18

What'sUpWithMySisterVampires?..........64

DenialandtheHelpfulNeighbor.............90

Invisibility.............................146

Shapeshifting...........................176

FirstMyBrother,NowMe.................196

AsktheSlayer

WHATIsTHIS?

DearPracticalVampireSlayer,

Nottooffendyouoranything,but...isthisforreal?Amanualforslayingvampires?Aren'tyouaddressinga,well...sortofspecializedaudience?

Sincerely,

PuzzledinSt.Louis

DearPuzzled,

DearPuzzled,

Nooffensetakenandtoansweryourquestion:Ithinkitalldependsonhowyoudefinetheword"vampire."

Ifwhatyou'retalkingaboutaresharpfangs,paleskin,andsillyaccents,thenyou'reprobablyreferringtomythologicalvampireslikeDracula,forinstance.

Butifwhatyou'retalkingaboutarenever-endingresentments,stolenproperty,losttime,andthatcreepyfeelingyoukeepongettingthatsomeoneorsomethingelsebesidesyouisrunningyourlife,thenyou'reprobablyreferringtopracticalvampires,whichare,incidentally,thekindwe'llbelearninghowtoslayhere.

Fortunatelyforus,bothareevictedfromourlivesinthesameway:withclearandpreciserevocations,andalwaysinthelight.

Yours,

PVS

ThePracticalVampireSlayer

THEREISARULEINVAMPIREMYTHOLOGYwhichstatesthatavampirecan'tjustwalkintoyourhouseandstartsuckingyourblood.First,"itsays,"thevampiremustbeinvited."

Thisruleusuallyshowsupatsomepointinvampirebooksandmovies,almostalways mentioned in passing. You find it tucked into one scene or another,withoutfurtherado,asifitweren'tthemostintriguingaspectinanyrelationshipbetweenavampireanditsvictim,orasifitweremoderatelyinterestingvampiretriviacsomeonethoughtwouldbecooltothrowinthescript.

Whichitisnot.

The invitationprinciple isnotonlyoneof themostprovocativeelementsofvampire lore, but it is also the foundation of what I call "practical vampireslaying" -amethod of blending vampiremythologywithwell-known spiritualprinciplesdesignedtohelpusidentifyourreal-lifevampiresandtomakeclearand informed decisions about whether we want to continue our relationshipswiththemornotdecisionsthatsomeofusneverevenknewwehadthepowertomake.

ButIsaidIwasgoingtotellyouabouthowtousethisbook,solet'stakecareofthatfirst.

Itbeginswithashortself-testonwhetherornotyoumaybehostingvampires.Afterthat,thebookisdividedintothreesections.

In Part I: FromDarkness into Light, we'll be talking about the problem ofunhealthy relationships (i.e. "practical vampires") in our lives, and about thevocabulary, origins, and rules of practical vampire slaying. This section alsocontains examples of these practical vampires and descriptions of ourrelationshipswiththeminmoredetail.We'll talkaboutthenatureofvampires,

thedarknessinwhichthey'rebornandthrive,andaboutthetrickstheyplayinordertogettheinvitationstheymusthavebeforetheycanenterourlives.Then,since taking responsibility for who we are and the choices we make isfundamental topracticalvampireslaying,we'llalsobelookingat thenatureofourselves:thegiftsoflifeandfreewillwe'vebeengranted,andwe'llreflectonwhyintheworldanyofuswouldconsidersurrenderingthesepreciousgiftstoavampireinthefirstplace.Oh,andsomethingimportant:You'llneedanotebook,one you like towrite in, and a pen you're comfortable using. There are someimportant questionsyou'll be askingyourself aswego along, and seeingyouranswersinblackandwhitewillbevitaltogettingallyoucanoutoftheprocess.

Also,becausewe'llbediscussing thegiftsof lifeand freewill, andbecausewe'llbediscussingtheuseofpower,IaskthatyoubringalongyourveryownconceptionofaHigherPower,orGod.What that is toyoupersonally isofnointerest tome and has no bearing at all on your success or failure as vampireslayersyourGodisyourbusiness.Whatisimportanttoyoursuccessisthatyoubringthatconceptionwithyouhowevervagueitmightbe-becauseyou'regoingtoneedit.Realproblemsrequirerealpowertosolve,andsincenearlyallofourworkis(likepracticallyeverythingelseinlife)ofaspiritualnature,thisisonesourceofpoweryou'regoingtowanttohave...or,ifnecessary,acquireasyougoalong.Youneverknowwhatyou'llseewhenyoustarttolookinside-allofusarejustfilledwithsurprises.

InPartII:BitingBack,we'llbemovingontothesolution,whichwe'llknowby this time hasmuchmore to do with changing ourselves than it does withchangingourvampires.Therearespecific instructions tofollow, lists tomake,andoptionstoconsideraswebringlighttoourrelationshipsandthewaywe'vebehaved in them.We'll talk more about power and where to look for it, andfinally,afterwe'vedoneafewexercises,we'lllearnexactlywhatourchoicesareforgettingridofourvampires,andhowtoexecuteeachoneofthem.

PartIII:LivingintheLight,isaboutmaintenance.Onceyou'vegotthehangoftheslayingbusiness,you'llwant toknowhowtostayfreeofyourvampiresandtoavoidfutureentanglementswiththem.Thispartconverssometipsabout

howtokeepyourselfvampire-freeandincludesasectionon"spiritualgarlic"aninnercleansingpracticeofself-evaluationusedattheendofeachdaythathelpsyou to stay currentwith yourself and "in the present," as they say.We'll talkaboutattitudes,andI'mgoingtotellyouoneofthebeststoriesI'veeverheardaboutGodanywhere-onethathastodowithgratitude-andthenwe'llbefinished.

OrmaybeIshouldsay,"Andthenwe'llhavejustbegun."

Thanksforjoiningme.

CLAUDIACUNNINGHAM

ThePracticalVampireSlayer

P.S.Bytheway,everynowandtheninthebook,you'llcomeacrossapagethatcontains a "Dear Abby"-type column called "Ask the Slayer." These are justwhat they appear to be: letters from readers of my blog who wrote withquestions about their vampires. My readers ask such perfect questionssometimes that I just had to include a few here; they have a special way ofgettingrighttotheheartofthevampire.

See?Youneedthatnotebookalready.

AmIHostingaVampire?

True/False

1.Somepeoplegivemethecreeps,butI'malwayspolitetothemevenwhentheirbehaviortowardmeisrepeatedlyinappropriateorintimidating.

2.Ifreezejustforasecondwhenthephoneringsorthere'saknockonmydoor.

3.Iattractcrazypeople.Somehow,theyalwaysseemtofindme.

4.TherearetimeswhenIcouldswearI'minvisible:especiallywhenI'mcookingandcleaningforpeoplewhoseemtotakeitforgranted.

5.Ilivewithsomeonewhosaysmeanthingsaboutme,butIknowtheydon'tmeanit.Peoplejustdon'tunderstandhim/herthewayIdo.

6.Everymorningonmywaytowork,IthinkaboutthatjerkattheofficeandimagineexactlyhowI'mgoingtotellhimofftoday.

7.Ineverknowwhencertainpeopleorneighborsaregoingtopopover,butIwantfolkstoknowthatiftheyneedsomeonetotalkto,I'malwayshereforthem.

8. I don't see the point in worrying about my appearance or fussing overmakeupandniceclothesI'mnotthatvain,andbesides,whohasthetime?

9.Iavoidalotofdeep-thinkingandself-reflection.Allthat"newage"kindofthingjustisn'tmystyle.

10.Iwishthatsomebody,justonce,wouldsaythankyoutome.

AnswerKey

1.Ifyouanswered"True"here,thenyou'replayingadangerousgame:Vampireslovetotestourboundaries-or,asweliketorefertothemaroundhere,our"thresholds."Eachtimeweallowpeopletotreatusinadisrespectfulorintimidatingmanner,weareinvitingthemtobecomevampirestous.(Seechapterone,rule#1,regardinginvitations.)

2. Everyday fears are some of the best diagnostic tools we have fordetermining whether or not we have a vampire in our lives. If youanswered"True"tothisone,there'sareasonforit,andfindingwhatthatreasonisandhowtostopitiswhatpracticalvampireslayingisallabout.

3.Ifyou'venoticedthatyouattractcraziesbutdon'tknowwhy,thisbookwillhelpyoufigurethatout.Ifyouanswered"True"tothisone,I'mheretotellyou:attractinglunaticsisnotyour"destiny."Youhaveachoice.Andfreedomtochooseisanotherthingpracticalvampireslayingisallabout.

about.

4.Vampiresaren'ttheonlyoneswhocan'tseetheirownreflectionsinthemirror.Thesadfactisthatasthevampiredrainsthehost,thehost'simagewillstarttofade,too.Ifyouanswered"True"tothisoneandfeelinvisiblesometimes,itcouldmeanyou'rehostingavampire.

5.Nice peoplewho host vampires often feel they're the only oneswhounderstandtheirvampires.Ifyouanswered"True"tothis,youmaynotunderstandyourpartneraswellasyouthinkyoudo.

6.Vampiresoftencomeintheshapeofresentments:ofangerwefeelnotonceaboutaparticularpersonorsituation,butrepeatedly.Ifthisistrueforyouandyou'reexperiencingthesameangeraboutacertainpersonorsituationagainandagain,youmighthaveavampireonyourneck.

7.Peoplewhohostvampiresoftenfeelanover-developedsenseofresponsibilityaboutmakingtheirtimeandhomesavailabletopeoplewhoareonlytoohappytoturntheirproblems(especiallyonesthatnevergetsolved)overtotheirhosts.Ifyouranswerwas"true"here,youmaybemorethanjustaniceperson.Youmaybehostingavampire.

8.Peoplewhohostvampiresoftenperceivetheirownneedsandself-careasunimportant,especiallysincetheyaresofocusedontheneedsofothers,otherswhooftenprovetobevampires.Ifyouaren'tthetypethattakesself-careseriously,youmightbesusceptibletovampirehosting.

9.Ifvampirehoststaketimetoanalyzeanyone,it'susuallytheirvampires.Theymaycomplainorspeculateabouttheirvampires,butalmostneverconsidertheroletheythemselvesplayintherelationshipstheyshare.Ifyouanswered"True"tothisoneanddon'tliketheideaofself-reflection,you'refocusingjustwhereyourvampireswantyoutofocus:onthemandneveryourself.Andthiscouldmeanyou'reinwhat'sknownasthevampire'sthrall.(Seechapteroneonthesubjectofthralls.)

10.Ifyouanswered"True"andyou'refeelingunappreciated,it'sprobably

10.Ifyouanswered"True"andyou'refeelingunappreciated,it'sprobablybecauseyouare.Butwecanchangethat.Practicalvampireslayingisallaboutchangeandit'saboutgratitude,too.

Isitever.

"Vampiresdoexist."

-DR.ABRAHAMVANHELSING,DYaCUla,BYBRAMSTOKER

Avampirecan'tjustwalkintoyourhouseandstartsuckingyourblood.First,ithastobeinvited.

BACK INTHEDAYANDWHATWITHone thingor another, it's probablysafe tosayIspentabouthalfmytimeunder the influenceofdrugsoralcohol,and the other half of it waiting to be under the influence of drugs or alcoholagain. Those hours of waiting were hard: between the physical pain ofabstinenceandtheemotionalconfusionthatcomeswiththediseaseofaddiction,theywereasgoodastorture,andIwasalwayslookingforsomethingtodivertmy attention frommymisery something that would help those long hours ofsicknesstopass.

Television and radioweren't strong enough to do the trick, but I found thatreading, especially the novels of StephenKing,was fairly helpful. Therewasonebookinparticularthatwasaboutvampires,'Salem'sLot,andthat'swhereIfirstheardaboutthisrulethatyouhavetoinviteavampireinbeforeitcansuckyourblood. 'Salem'sLot isoneofKing'searliestbooks,and it's the storyofaMasterVampirenamedBarlowwhowantstomakethelittletownofJerusalem'sLot his own, only first he's going to have to fight a group of slayers whoassembletheretostophim.I'vereadthatbookmoretimesthanIcaretoadmit,butthisruleaboutinvitationshasimpressedmeeverytime.

Years later, when I was finally ready to stop drinking, I came across thisinvitationruleagainonlythistimeitwasn'tinabookaboutvampires,itwasinaprogramofrecovery.OneofthefirstthingsIlearnedwhenIgottherewasthatifIwantedtobesaneandsober,IwasgoingtohavetochangethewayIlookedat

mylifeanditsproblems.IlearnedthatifIwantedtolivehappily,Iwasgoingtohavetostartaskingmyself,eachtimeIfoundmyselfinamess,exactlywhatIhad contributed to the creation of thatmess. That's right, you heardme: eventhough itwasobvious toeveryoneIwashavinga terrible timeandnevereverwould have chosen to be in such misery, I was still expected to take someresponsibilityforhowthemiseryhadcomeintomylife-almostasifI'dinviteditinmyself!

AndIjustknewI'dheardthatsomewherebefore.

CombiningthespiritualprinciplesI'velearnedasamemberofa12-stepgroupwithmyloveofvampiremythologyhashelpedmecreateamethodforsolvingthe kinds of problems that so many of us have with draining and unhealthyrelationshipsamethodIcall"practicalvampireslaying."

Practicalvampiresarethekindwedealwitheveryday;theyaretheveryrealandinfluentialpeople,institutions,andbeliefsthatshapeourlivesandhowwelive them, only they prefer to exert their influence from in the dark,which iswhere they live. When I got into recovery and learned about the power ofbringinglighttothepartsofmyselfI'dbeentryingsohardtokeepinthedark,andbegantodiscover,too,thefreedomthatcomeswithtakingresponsibilityforthe people and things that enter my life, I saw there was much more to thiscorrelation between vampire slaying and spiritual recovery than just theinvitation rule alone. I saw these parallels in every vampire book,movie, andtelevision show I came across just sitting there,waiting for someone to comealongandnoticethem.

Practicalvampiresliketogivetheimpressionofbeinganunchangeablepartofourlives,butthey'rereallynot.Wemaythinktheirpresenceissomehownaturalorinevitable,butmakingusbelievethatisjustpartofthevampire'sgame,andtheir status in our lives is by no means fixed. As the principles of vampireslayingwill show: ifwehave thepower to invite themintoour lives, thenwealsohavethepowertothrowthemout.Theseareourliveswe'retalkingabouthere,andourchoicestomakeabouthowwewanttolivethem.

Forsomeofusthevampirecomesintheshapeofaspouse,child,friend,oremployerwhominimizesorrefuses toacknowledgeallwedofor them.Thesepeoplefeedontakingusforgranted,andleaveusmorefrustratedandhurtthanwesometimesthinkwecanstand.

Forothers,it'sanex-girlfriendwhostillhasn'tgottenaroundtomovingoutoran ex-boyfriend who just cannot understand that breaking up means, "stopcallingme,stopwritingme,andwhileyou'reatit-stopstalkingme,too."Thesetypes obviously needmore comprehensive definitions of thewords "finished,""overwith,"and"done"which,bytheway,wecangivethem.

Manyof us arehostingvampires that enter our lives as addictions: some toalcoholordrugs,sometoshoppingorgambling,sometoexerciseorstarvationyounameitandthesecretstheyforceustokeepaboutourselvesarepushingusintothedarkanddrainingthesouloutofussofastwehardlyknowwhatbitus.

Thentoo,therearethevampireswe'veneverevenmet:thetelemarketersandjunk-mailers,thecreditcardcompaniesandbanks,thepeopleinfrontofuswhodrive like sightseers any time we're in a rush to get somewhere, and eventelevision news analysts who don't know the difference between having apersonalityandhavingapersonalitydisorder;allofthesecanfeedonourgoodwillanddispositions,becomingvampirestousinamatterofmoments.Wherewasthehappinessandlovewehadtosharewithothersonlyaminuteago?After

lendingthelastofourpatiencetotheseirritations?Gone.Justlikethat.

Butconfidentially, it'snot just thosevampireson theoutside, is it?Someofthe noisiest, meanest-talking vampires live right inside our own minds. Theyhardlyeverletuseatamealinpeace,they'resobusycalculatingcalorieandfatcontent. They warn us not in join in the volleyball game because we're tooclumsyandwe'lllookfoolishifwetry.Theykeepusfromdressingthewaywewantbecauseweneedtobeasmallersizebeforewe'reallowedtobuyclothesweactuallylike.Theyadviseusnottoriskexpressinganopinionorthewaywefeel becausewe're sure to sound ridiculous. They love to hide and chatter onabout us in the darkwherewe can't see them, but still have to listen to everywordtheysay.

Thesearevampiresinthemonstroussenseoftheword,andwhenitcomestodealingwith them, there's one thing to remember: nomatter what shape theytake or how big or small they might be, not one of them got into our liveswithoutoursay-so,ourpermission,orourinvitation.Thosearetherules.

Vampiremythologyhasavocabularyallitsown,sobeforewegoanyfurther,I'dliketodefineafewtermswe'llbeusing.

Invitations

The invitations we extend to our vampires are really no different from theinvitationsweextendtootherpeopleandthingseveryday:weinvitethemintoourlives,andinsodoing,becometheirhosts.Theyserveinthesamewayanyotherinvitationdoes.Exceptwhereourpracticalvampiresareconcerned,whenit comes to the invitationsweextend to them,wealmostnever realizeexactlywhatwe'veinvitedinuntilafterthey'vecrossedourthresholds.

Whenwe failed to ask that telemarketer to simply "takeusoff the list,"wethoughtwewerejustlettingsomepoorguymakehispitch.Wehadfiveminutestogivehim-sure-butwehadnoideawewereinvitingnotonlyhimbutalsohiscompanyandalltheirrelativesinforendlessfuturecallsandsolicitations.

Whenwetoldouremployerthatwe'dbehappytoworklatethatfirsttimeandassumed(asnormalpeopledo)thatitwasaone-time-emergency-onlything:weneverdreamedwewereinvitinglatenightworkinfortherestofourtimeonthatjob or that our boss would expect all future overtime and night work to gounquestioned.

Orwhenwetookthetimetolistentothatwoman-we-hardly-knew'swoesinthegrocerystorethattime:wethoughtshe'dappreciateourkindnessandmaybeevenapologizethenexttimewesawherforunloadingonusthatway.Butsheseemsinsteadtohaveadoptedusasherpersonalcounselor,andwe'vebecomelike a paratrooper in our own town, ducking and running to avoid her nearlyeverywherewego.

The thing about vampires is that we never know howmuch hosting we've

reallysignedupfor.Untilwedo,thatis.

Hosts

Hostsareall thegreatpeople thatpracticalvampiresfeedonbywhichImeanyou,me,andanyoneelsewho'sinvitedthemin.Simplystated:whenyou'vegota vampire clamped to your neck, thatmakes you the host of that vampire. Itdoesn'tmatterwhatyoursexorcreedis,whomyouvotedfor,howmanycoursesin psychology you've taken, or what color underwear you wear: if you don'tknowhowtospotavampireorwhat turnsyourhostingswitch to"on,"you'rejust as likely to wind up with a vampire on your neck as the next guy. It'ssurprisinghowmanypeoplethinkthey'reexempt,andhowmanythinkthatjustbecausetheycanseethevampirecoming,theyarethereforesomehowqualifiedtoavoidit.Unfortunatelyforthem,that'snothowitworks,andsinceourmottohere is "Host, know thyself," that'swherewe aim our searchlights: not at ourvampires,butatourselves.RememberwhatIsaidaboutpower?Ifwedon'tstoplookingatourvampiresandstartfocusingonhowweextendourinvitationstotheminstead,we'regoingtobesunkwithoutpowerwhenthetimefinallycomesthatwewanttorevokethoseinvitations.

Thresholds

Thebestwaytothinkaboutthresholdsastheyrelatetopracticalvampireslayingistopicturethedoorwayorthresholdofyourhome.Itrepresentstheboundarybetweenallyouallowtocomeinsideandallthatremainsoutside,right?Justasyouaretheownerofyourhomeandhosttoallthatcomesoveritsthreshold,soyouaretheownerofyourlifeandhosttoallthatcomesoveritsthreshold,too.Thus, a vampiremust receive your invitation before it can cross the thresholdintoyourlife.

The trickwith thresholds is figuringout exactlywhere they are. Identifyingwhere the thresholds inourhomesare is apretty simple thing,but identifyingthresholdsinourlivescanbeadelicatematter.Determiningwhereourpersonal

thresholdslieisinfactoneofthemostchallengingaspectsofpracticalvampireslaying,andonewe'llneedtolearnwellifwewanttosurvive.

Solicitations

Whenavampireasks tobe invited in, it iswhat'sknownasa"solicitation." Itsounds crazy, I know, but if we don't invite them over our thresholds quickenoughthey'llfindawaytosqueezeaninvitationoutofussothatwedo.It'snotlikethey'restraightforwardorhonestaboutit thoughdon'tgetmewrong,mostof the time they're so devious we can't even remember how they got fromoutsidetoin.Butithappens,andthey'regoodatit,whichtheyhavetobe,afterall. If you had an insatiable appetite, you'd get pretty good at ordering yourmeals,too.

Revocations

Oncewerealizeandacknowledgeresponsibilityforextendinganinvitation,wethenhavetheauthoritytorevokeorwithdrawit,andthat'swhatarevocationis:itgivesofficialnotice toourvampires that theyareno longerwelcome inour"homes" and that their invitations to be there have beenwithdrawn.Here's anexcellentexampleofthekindofrevocationthatworks:

"Getoutofhere!Irevokemyinvitation!"

It's clear, yes?And as you can see, the host extends the invitation/the hostrevokes the invitation. Extend/Revoke. Extend/ Revoke. Both are ourprerogativeandourresponsibility.

TheThrall

Haveyouevernoticedhowvictimsinvampiremoviesalwaysfallintoadopey,trancelike state whenever their vampires are around? Well, that's how theydramatize the "thrall" inHollywood,but in real life, the thrall of ourpracticalvampires ismuchmore.Theirs isactuallyahighlypersuasive,hypnoticpower

they exert that makes us strangely susceptible to their suggestions, no matterhowdemandingorridiculousthosesuggestionsmightbe.

My friend Angela, for instance, had a vampire show up at her houseunexpectedlyonedaytoaskifshe'dliketogowithhimtoaparty.Hegaveherno warning, and the party had already begun which, by the way, is just sotypical:vampires just love tosolicit their invitations in theformof last-minuteplansandemergencies.Butsinceshe'dlostquiteabitofblood(metaphoricallyspeaking)thelasttimethey'dbeentogether,andsinceherwoundswerestill,sotospeak,freshonherneck,shewasable to turnhimdown.Whatshecouldn'tunderstand after he'd left, though, was why she'd even been considering hisproposition.

"Theweird thing is that Iwas actually thinkingaboutgoingwithhim!" shelaughed,"andIjustcan'tbelieveIwouldevenconsiderit,especiallywhenI'mstilltryingtorecoverfromthelasttimeIsawhim!"

Angela's story illustrates so perfectly howwe fall under their spell.All hervampirehadtodowasshowupatherplacewithoutwarning,makeeyecontactwithher,andprestothereshewas,inhisthrallandvulnerabletohissuggestions,nomatterhowabsurdthosesuggestionswouldseemtoheronlymomentsafterhe'dleft.

Thevampires'thrallkeepitinmind.Ihavetotellyou,thisisonethingIhearfrom slayers all the time. They're always calling to tell me how, once theyunderstoodwhatthethrallwas,itceasedtohaveanypoweroverthem.Assoonastheyknewwhattheirvampirewasuptopoof!itspowertomanipulatethemwasgone.

Vampire:0,Host:1.Justwhatwe'reshootingfor.

PracticalVampireSlayers

Thisgroupincludesyou,me,ourbestfriends,thatguyatthebusstop,andany

otherhostwhoexpressesadesiretosolvetheirvampireproblems,whostudiesandpracticesthevampirerules,andwhochoosestotakeresponsibilityfortheirlives so theycanmake informed, clear, andaboveall, free choices abouthowtheywanttolivethem.Maybethey'llslaytheirvampiresandmaybetheywon't,but if theypractice theprinciplesoutlinedin thisbook, they'llalwayshave thefreedom to choose and the stake thatworks just in case theydecide they everwanttouseit.

Watchers

For every vampire slayer or group of vampire slayers, there is a mentor oradvisor-someonewhoknowsall there is toknowaboutvampires andvampireslaying.Theirjobisteach,advise,andsupporttheslayer.

If you're acquainted with vampire literature ormovies, you've already seenyourshareofWatcherswhetheryouknowitornot:InDracula,theWatcherisDr.AbrahamVanHelsing,whohasatendencytoward...long-windedness,andas a result,winds up doing a heck of a lotmore slayer-advising than he doesactualvampire-slaying.

InBuffy theVampire Slayer, there is a character namedRupertGiles,whoactsasBuffy'sadvisorandtrainer.HeisthefirstofhiskindIeverheardrefertohimselfas"Watcher,"andIthinkImightbestealingthistermfromhim.

Matt Burke in StephenKing's 'Salem's Lot is a teacher-turnedWatcherwhocounselsthelittlegroupofslayersinthatstory.He'smyfavoritebyfar,becauseeventhoughhewasscared,hesteppeduptodothejobwhenhewasneeded.Hestudiedasmuchashecouldfindaboutvampireslayingasfastaspossible,andthen shared all he'd learnedwithhis friends so theymight save the town theyloved.Thatmakeshim thedefinitiveWatcher tome,sincehedidwhatall thefinestWatchersdo:whichissimplythebesttheycan,andalwaysinthenameoflove.

Most of us who choose to slay our vampires will almost certainly become

Watchers one day ourselves not only because the best way to hold on to allwe've learned is by giving it away, but also because that's just theway thesethingswork,andgivingitawayissomethingwe'lljustreallywanttodo.

It's time to take our definitions and move on to the next step, which is toreview the list of vampire rules I promised you. These are the rules frommythologythatgovernourreal-lifeslaying,andasyoumighthaveguessedbynow,they'renotmadeforbreaking.

Rule #1: Vampires can't just walk into your house and start sucking yourblood.First,theyhavetobeinvited.

Forgetaboutdodgingtheblame,pointingthefinger,makingexcuses,orsayingit's"theirfault."Ifwe'vegotavampireinourlives,it'sbecauseweinviteditin.This isn'tmeant tosuggest inanyway thatwe're looking for troublewhenweextend our invitations. This rule's only function is to remind us that weweretherewhenourvampirescameknockingandthat,inonewayoranother,wealsoletthemin.

Rule#2:Vampiresdonotneedaninvitationeverytimetheycrossthethreshold.Oneinvitationgrantsalifetimepass.

Yes. It's horrid, I know, but it is the rule. And it certainly goes a long waytowardexplainingwhysomepeoplethinktheyhavetherighttocomeandgoinour liveswhenever they pleaseto say nothing of why somany of them neverleaveatall.

Rule#3:Everyhosthastheoptiontorevokeaninvitationthey'veextendedtoavampire,buttheyhavetoknowtherulesiftheywanttodoitright.

That'swhatwe'llbelearninghere:therulesforrevokingourinvitationsandtherulesforexercisingafewotheroptions,too.There'smorethanonewaytoskinavampire,youknowandifwewanttobetrulyfree,we'llneedtoknoweveryoneof them. Freedom is the most wonderful thing, and because it always entailsresponsibility,itleadsusnaturallyto:

Rule#!:Hostsmustclaimresponsibilityfortheirinvitationsbeforetheycanreclaimtheirpowertorevokethem.

Inaroundaboutway,thisisourfirstlessoninpowerandit'salsoourfirststepin

learningwheretolookforitfromnowon.Responsibilityandpowergohand-in-hand,andwhenwerefusetotakeresponsibilityforourinvitations,we'regivingupourpower,too.Fromnowonwhenwe'researchingforpowerwe'llrememberthis rule about responsibility, and then go straight to our mirrors where we'llhavelearnedtofindboth.

Rule#5:Aboveall,ourrevocationsmustbeclear.Beforewecanissuearevocationtellingourvampireswhatwewant,wehavetoknowexactlywhatthatisourselves.

Revoking our invitations requires clarity: clarity about our vampires, ourinvitations, and most of all, ourselves. There's a lot more to revoking aninvitationthansimplytellingavampiretobeatit.Thestepswetaketofindthatclarityaboutwhatwereallywantpriortoissuingourrevocationsarewhatreallycount.

Rule#6:Allvampires'appetitesareinsatiable.

"Insatiableappetites"areexactlywhattheysoundlike:thekindofappetitesthatcanneverbesatisfiedorgoaway.Avampirecannomorebea"little"insatiablethanawomancanbea"little"pregnant.Insatiabilityisanallornothingdeal,inspiteofhowfewofusactuallybelievethatwhenitcomestoourownvampires.Nomatter howwe try to tell ourselves that ifwe can just provide themwithenough of what theywant that they'll be sa-tisified, it's never going to work.Insatiability is a definitive quality in vampires, practical or not, whichmeansthere'snogettingarounditnotever.

Rule#7:Neverlookintoavampire'seyes.

Thisrule,likealltheothers,hasanimportantmetaphoricalmeaningaswellasaliteral one. Just as there ismore than oneway define a vampire, there is alsomore than one way to define "looking into a vampire's eyes." Thinkmetaphorically,andyou'llseewhatImean.

Let'ssay, for instance,you'vegotavampirefriendwho'scomplainedtoyouaboutthesamemaritalproblemsshe'sbeenhaving,adinfinitum,formorethanfive years now. Engaging in this conversation with her again and again,metaphoricallyspeaking,isjustthesameaslockingeyeswithavampire.Infact,looking intoavampire'seyescanbea lot likeextendingan invitation,and themorewepracticelookingatourselvesinstead,theclearerthoseinvitationswe'reextendingwillbecometous.Practicemakesperfectorat thevery leastmakesprogress,whichisanotherthingwe'reshootingforaroundhere.

Rule#8:Avampirecannotseeitsownreflectioninamirror.

Vampiremythologytellsusthisistrue,andsodoesreallife.I'veneverknownapracticalvampireyetwhohastheslightestideaaboutthehurttheycauseoreventhetiniestbitofinterestinlookinginthemirrorandexaminingwhotheyreallyare.Self-searchingusually leads toenlightenment,andI'msure Idon'thave totellyouhowlittlelightofanykindourvampireswantintheirlives.

Therewillbemorerulesforustolearnaswegoalong,andthisisasfarasweneed to go for now. There is one more thing I want you to keep in mind:vampires canbevery tricky, andhave an amazing talent for causing themostinexplicableamnesiainus.That'sonereasonwe'llbetalkinglateronabouttheimportanceofcreatingacommunityforourselves.Communityprovidesagreatsource of power; it keeps us safe and in the light, and we need it to keepremindingeachotheraboutthoseruleswe'resuretoforget.

We'rereadytobegin.AsIsaid,we'llbelearningmoreaboutourvampiresandtherulesthatgovernthem,butintheendIexpectwe'llbelearningmostaboutourselves. As practical vampire slayers, we know the change we want in ourlivesbeginswithusnotwithourvampires.Tryingtochangethevampire?That'snotwhatwe'redoinghere,and that'sexactlywhy this ruleabout theirneedingour invitations is so important: it serves as a gentle tap on the shoulder,remindingusthatifwereallywanttobefreeofourvampires,we'dbetterquitpayingsomuchattention to them,andstartpayingmoreattention toourselves

instead.

There's just one more rule I want to tell you about. It seems almost tooobvioustomention,butIthinkI'dbetter,sincepeopleseemtohavethehardesttime remembering it. I'm speakingof the consequences that peoplewhonevergetaroundtorevokingtheirinvitationshavetopay-youknow,thosefolkswhothink they're different and the rules don't apply to them, so they let theirvampiresfeedandfeed.

Doyourememberwhathappenstoallthosenicepeopletheoneswhoaretoobusytorevoketheirinvitations?

Rule#9:Whenitcomestohostswhoneverrevoketheirinvitations:

Theybecomevampirestoo.

AsktheSlayer

NOTGOTH

DearPVS,

I'm19yearsold,andnotGoth.Iamfairlynormalbymoststandards,butthreefemalevampireshavetriedtostartrelationshipswithmeinthepastmonth.

AmIattractingthisordoIjusthavereallybadluck?

Sincerely,

Bob

DearBob,

Firstoff,youdon'tneedtobeGothtoattractavampire,andthevampireswe'retalkingaboutherearen'toverlyimpressedwithimage-whatturnsthemonisvulnerabilityandapotentiallygoodmeal.Whattheywantisawaytogetinandlotstoeatoncethey'vecrossedthethreshold.Think"invitations."Think"insatiableappetites."

Practicalvampiresarenotpeopleplayingdress-upormembersofanyparticularcommunity.Practicalvampiresaredefinednotbywhattheydobutratherbyhowtheyaffectus.Itcanbeprettyhardtotelluntilafterwe'veinvitedthemoverourthresholds.Afterthat,andinonewayoranother,we'resuretolearnwhetherthey'rethebitingtypeornot.

That'swhatlifeisallabout,though:havingthefreewilltoinvitewhateverwelikeintoourlives.Theresponsiblethingtodoistolearnhowtorevokeyourinvitation-justincaseitturnsouttobeoneofthesehungrypredatorsthatyou'veinvited.Thenyou'llhavethefreedomtoextendyourinvitationsasyouplease,becauseyou'llknowwhattodowhenoneofthemturnsouttobeabiter.

Bestofluck,Bob.

PVS

THEREAREPLENTYOFADVANTAGESTOAPPLYINGtheinvitationruleto our lives, but one I especially like is how it can help ease that feeling ofhelplessness we get sometimes you know, that sense we get that so much ofwhathappenstousiscompletelyoutofourcontrol.Thelistofthingswecan'tcontrol is, after all, a fairly long one. There are the obvious things like theweather,gravity,andmortality,but then thereare themoresubtle thingswe'remoreapttoforgetlikethefactthatwehavenocontroloverthewayotherpeopleseethings,behave,andfeel.Thefactis,mostthingsinlifefallundertheheadingof"stuffwedon'tget tobe thebossof."But that'swhatmakes this ruleabouthavingtoinviteourvampiresinsoconsoling.Atleastweknownowthatwhenwediscoverit'savampirethat'scrossedthethresholdintoourlives,we'llhavethecomfortofknowingwecangetthembacktotheothersideofthelineagain,any time we want. The vampire rules might seem daunting in terms of theresponsibilitywe'll be learning to take for ourselves, but on the flip side, theyalsoremindusthattherearesomethingsinlifewecancontrol.

Thetroublewithvampires,though,isthatevenwhenweknowwe'veplayedapartinhowtheygotintoourlives,it'sstillnotalwayssoeasytoseewhereweinvitedthemin,ortogetoverthesneakingsuspicionthatinonewayoranotherweweretrickedintoextendingourinvitations.

We're right to be suspicious. Practical vampires, just like their mythologicalcounterparts, are acutely aware of the rules about power. They know that themoment we see and claim responsibility for our invitations will also be themomentweclaimourpowertorevokethem,soit'sintheirbestintereststokeepusasunconsciousandinthedarkaboutourinvitationstothemastheypossiblycan.Someofourvampires'solicitationsaredeliberatelymisleadingandsome-aswe'llseealittlelaterarenot.Butsinceyou'llwanttobeabletorecognizethemeitherway,whatfollowshereisalistofsomeofthemostcommonstrategiesourvampiresuseintheirsolicitations.

Let'sstartwithafewoftheirmostintentionallydeceitful.

BaitandSwitch

I'dbeenlivinginAlaskaforaboutayearwhenIwenttovisitmysisterJuliainChicago.WewereheadedupDearbornStreeton footonemorningandamanapproachedme,askingforamatch.Istopped,dugintomycoatpocket(Iwasasmokeratthetime)andproducedthematchbook.AsIhandeditover,hemovedalittleclosertomeandsaid,"Doyouhaveacigarette?"

Iscowleddisapprovingly,butreachedintomypocketagain.WhenIgavehimthe cigarette, he asked me for a quarter. I laughed, obviously irritated, andstartedformypocketagain,butJulia,havingseenallshecouldstand,grabbedmyarmandurgedmetoresumewalking.

She said, "Did youmake eye contactwith him?"Like therewas somethingwrongwitheyecontact.

"Yes,"Isaid,"Ilookatpeople."

"Well," she said, "that's howhepickedyououthowheknewyou'dmakea

goodtarget.Allthatjazzaboutmatchesandcigaretteswasjusttoseehowcloseyou'dlethimget.Whenhegotcloseenough,hewasgoingtograbyourpurse."Shelookedatme."Hewasgettingprettyclose,"shesaid.

Shewasright,naturally.Lookingbackonit, Icannowseewhatahugeredflag itwas that this guy neededmymatches, you know? Justmine.He didn'tneedmatches from themiddle-aged andmale native Chicagoanwho'd passedhimahead;heneededthemfromtheyoungandfemaleout-of-townerwhomadeeyecontactwithhimme,ofcourse.Typicalprey.Typicalvampire.

Thewhole incident remindsme of the interaction betweenDracula and hisprey in a scene from themovieBramStoker'sDracula-the onewhere he firstsolicitshisinvitationfromthestory'sheroine,MinaHarker.Ifyouhaven'tseenthismovie,youshould:partsofitillustratesowelltheruleswe'retalkingabouthere,andthissceneinparticularisoneofmyfavorites.

Theyearisaround1900,andasthesceneopenswewitnessayoungDracula(charismaticallyplayedbyGaryOldman)cruisingthestreetsofLondon.Atfirstwe'renotsurewhathe'supto,butwhenweseethebeautifulMissMina(playedsweetlybyWinonaRyder)ontheoppositesideofthestreet,weunderstandthathe'southunting,andthatshe'stheprey.

Hestopswalkingandstaresatheras shemovesdown the street.Whenshefailstoreturnhisgaze,hesaysquietly,

"Seeme.Seemenow."

Slowlysheturnsherheadandmakeswhatelse-eyecontactwithhim,andthenwalks intoa store.Draculacrosses the street, andas she's leaving the storehebumps into her, causing a package to drop from her hand-which he neatlyrescuesandthenquicklyusesasapretexttodetermineherthresholdandsolicithisinvitation.RememberhowthatChicagovampiretriedtodothatwithme?

Matches,cigarettes,rescuedpackages,whatever.

Helaunchesintohissolicitationbyaskingherfordirections,becausejustlikeMr.WindyCity, he apparently needs only her directions, and not some otherpedestrian's. She's not falling for it, though, and she curtly suggests that if heneedshelpfindinghiswayaround,thatheshouldprobably"gobuyamap."

What'ssosurprisingthough,isDracula'sreactiontoherdismissal,becauseheappearstobeabsolutelyfinewithit...andforamoment,wehavetowonderathis indifference.But thenweget it: forpredators like these,whether theyeverget the matches or directions they're asking for is far from the point. Whatthey'reseekingisengagement.WhatdoesDraculacareifMissMinawon'tgivehim directions? He just wants to keep the interaction going, the ball in play.Engagementiswhathe'safter.

AndMissMinaisengaged.LikemewiththeguyonDearbornStreet,she'sabitstiff,butshe'sstill responding,still interacting.She's toldhimto"gobuyamap," but hasn't specifically told him to "go away and don't comeback."Shefeels she's implied that, and that anyone with just the tiniest grain of senseshouldbeabletotakethehint.

Thisisacommonmistake.Inoureffortstopreservedecorum,we,likeMissMina,oftenfailtotellvampireswhat'sreallyonourmindslikethefactthatwewant them to leave, for instanceand insteadwaitdesperately for them to "takethehint."

Whichbringsustothefantasticallyimportant:

Rule#10:Vampiresdon'ttakehints.Itstheirspecialgift.Theyareimmunetoinnuendo.

Andwhatahandyimmunityit isforthem,too,especiallysincesomanyofusfinditnearlyimpossible to tell them(point-blank)to justget lost.What is thisaversionwehavetospeakingclearlyanddirectlyaboutwhatwewant,anyway?Areweafraidthatbybeinghonestwiththemwe'llhurttheirfeelings?Orareweafraidwe'llhavetoadmittoourselvesthatwe'renotquiteasniceasweliketo

think we are? Do we imagine that they'll get mad and start yelling at us?Whateverour reasons, ourvampiresmustbe familiarwith them,because theysureseem toknowwhichbuttons topushandwhen topush them.Howbroadtheirinwardsmilesmustbeastheyobserveourstrugglestofindanindirectwayof saying "no" to them one they know they'll be immune to no matter howcarefullywephraseit.Howtheymustsavorthosemomentswatchingushesitateandstammer,tryingsohardtofindawayofbothsayingandnotsayingwhatwemeanat thesame time.Andhowtremendously liberating itwouldbe forus ifwe'd just stopdropping all these ludicrouslyvaguehints, and start being clearwiththem,instead.

Butno,peoplealmostalwaysinsistonhandlingvampires"theirownway"andthatincludesMissMina,unfortunatelyforher.

Draculaapproachesheroncemore,butthistimeshe'ssoabruptwithhimthatheactuallyapologizesforbotheringherandstartstowalkaway...butshecallshim back. Let me say that again: She calls him back. Guess what for? Toapologize!Shewants to tellhimshe'ssorryforbeingsorude! Isn't thatgreat?Hekeepsbuggingheruntilherhintsgetnasty,andthensheendsupfeelingsheoweshimanapology.

Thenextthingyouknowhe'swaltzingherintoatheatrewherepornographicmovies are being shown, and quicker than you can say, "I didn't even thinkvampireswerereal,"he'sluredherintoaprivateroomandhisfangsareout.

Butthat'showitgoes:oneminuteyou'retryingnottobeaprude,andthenextyou'rebeinginitiatedintotheranksoftheundead.

ShamelessLies

Many of our vampires' solicitations come in the form of outright lies liesdesignedtosuggestwehavemuchtogainbyinvitingthemin.Vampiresaren'tknown for their highmoral standards, and they're not above trying tomake itsoundlikethere'sgoingtobesomethingreallycoolinitforusifweallowthem

tocrossourthresholds.

Telemarketers employ this type of solicitation every day. They're alwayscallingtogiveussomeonce-in-a-lifetime,aboutto-expire-at-any-secondofferifonlywe'llprovidethemwithaminuteofourtime.That'spreciselywhattheyaskusfor,too:

Hi,Mr.Fill-in-Your-Name!I'dliketotellyouaboutano-riskwaytomakeextraincomeforyouandyourlovedones,ifIcanjustgetaminuteofyourtime.

Mm-hmm.Buttheseguysaren'touttowinawardsforhonestyandfairplay;they'rejusttryingtogetin.Justastheaveragevampirewon'tbewarningusthattheywant to suckour blood, so the average telemarketerwon't bewarningusthatthey'vecalledtoseehowmuchofourmoneyorpersonalinformationtheycanweaseloutofus.Vampiresrarelygettheirmealsbytellingusthetruthabouthowhungrytheyareorwhattheywanttoeat.

Itcanbeahardthingtodetect,though,especiallyifwe'rehonestpeoplewhoaren't in the habit of purposely misleading other people ourselves. However,misleading people is exactlywhat these guys get paid to do, and lying is justgoodbusinesspracticeasfarasthey'reconcerned.

Theirfirstpriorityistogetourinvitations,andthey'remorethanhappytouseourownintegrityagainstusinordertogetthem.Theyknowhonestpeopledon'thave enough experience with lying to know when they're being lied tothemselves, and they'll use that virtue to get their invitations and cross ourthresholdseverychancetheyget.

Later,they'llfeed.

PointlessExercises

ForyearsIhavedelightedinthepracticecertaincreditcardcompanieshaveofsendingmeapplications thatcontain littlestickers theywantme tomovefrom

onepagetoanother.Haveyouevergottenthose?They'recolorfulandshinyandusually have things like "PRE-APPROVED" and "Please send to the Pre-Approval Department" (the "Pre-Approval Department!" Right.) stamped alloverthem.

Beneathoneofthestickersitusuallysayssomethinglike:

Claudia,usethisstickertorequestyournewcreditcard!

"Wow," I think, "a shinynewsticker andwithmy firstnameon it, too! It'salmostlikewe'realready...sniff...friends!"

Next I see they've enclosed yet another sheet of paper with a little coloredsquareexactlythesamesizeasmyspecialstickeronit.Beneathitreadsthetext,

Claudia(meagain!),Removestickerfromenvelopeandplaceheretoexpediteprocessing.

Then,inthespiritofhelpfulness,they'vedrawnahugeredarrowpointingtothesquarewhereI'mtoplacethesticker.

It's an interesting proposal. "Just think," I tellmyself, "if I can successfullynavigatethisstickerfromonepagetoanother,therebyexpeditingprocessingformyfriendsatBlahblahcard,Icanlookforwardtoyearsorperhapsevendecadesofrelentlesslying,trickery,intrusion,anddebt."

Suck.Slurp.Smack.

I confess that until I studied the techniques perfected by that mugger inChicago and evenDracula himself, I didn't really understandwhy credit cardcompaniesweresoanxioustohaveusperformacrobaticslikethese,butIgetitnow.

They'retakingmeasurements.

Just like thatmugger, they'recalculatinghowcooperative theirprey is.And

just like Dracula, they're untiring predators who begin their solicitations withengagement. In a stroke ofmarketing genius, they have devised a solicitationthat not only engages their customer's participation, but measures theirvulnerabilitytosuggestionatthesametime.Ibelievethatanypersonwillingtoexecutetheirinstructionsanddepositthewholestickymessinthemail(therebyexecuting their invitation) graduates immediately to that company's SpecialDonor List, and is subsequently targeted for every bloodletting scam theircorporategreedcandevise.

Canyousay,"insatiableappetites?"

Ofcourse, thenice thingaboutsolicitationsbymail is thatwedon'thave todealwiththemifwedon'twantto.Wecantearthemupandthrowthemaway.

Butwhenit'sourfriendsorfamilycomingaround,hungryandeyeballingusforameal,it'snotsoeasyjusttotearthemupandthrowtheminthegarbage,isit?Foronething,they'recomingtousliveandinperson:thatmakesthemhardtoavoid.Butforanother,thesearethepeoplewhoknowusbest,andifthey'revampires and family members both, they can often be almost impossible toescape.

FamilyorNot:TheVampire'sNeedsAlwaysComeFirst

Let'sfaceit:sometimesourownfamilymemberscanbetheworstvampiresofall.Ireceivedanemailfromawomanwhowashavingsomuchtroublewithavampire-sisterofhersthatshewasgettingreadytopackherbagsandmovetoanotherstatejusttogetawayfromher.

Shebeganbyexplainingthatsheandhersisterhadbeeninteractingwitheachotherinatypicalvampire/hostmannerforsolongthatbothherinvitationsandher sister's feedingshadbecome almost routine: a seemingly "normal"wayofrelatingtoeachotherthatshefeltpowerlesstostop.

Whatwasfrustratinghermost,though,wasabeliefshehad(andmoretothe

point, that her vampire knew she had) that a simple refusal to her sister wasinsufficient; that sheowedhervampireanexplanationevery timeshe toldher"no." So if, for example, her sister said she needed help cleaning her house,rakingher leaves, doingher shopping, or taking careofherkids, then she-thehostfeltunabletoanswer,"Idon'twanttohelpyouwiththat today."Atsomepoint this poor woman became allergic to the word no and for her it was anallergy that (and I mean this now) was going to kill her if she didn't dosomethingaboutitprettysoon.

Therearemorewaystodiethanourheartsstoppingonus,youknow.There'slivingdeathtooawayofmovingthroughourdaysthatmayseemlikeliving,butit'snotinservicetoourselves.Welivetoserve"another,"andIdon'tmeanourHigherPowerorGodwhenI say that,either. Imeananotherperson, thing,orbelief that hurts us -a vampire that will drain us until we're either dead orbecomevampiresourselves.Wedon'tcallthem"undead"fornothing,whichisexcellent reason to rememberwhathappens topeoplewhogoonfeeding theirvampiresindefinitely.YouknowwhatImean.

Andtosaythatthesefeedingscould"kill"herisnoexaggeration,sincethey'realreadystealingherlife:shespendshoursthinkingupexcusestomakeandhintstodropforhervampire,andthenspendsevenmoretimefrustratedbythefactthatnoneofthoseexcusesorhintsareworking.

Talkaboutthedefinitivethrall!She'seitherfeedinghervampire,dreadinghervampire'snextfeeding,workingonawaytoavoidhervampire'snextfeeding,orbeatingherheadagainstthewallbecausenoneofherplanstoextricateherselfareworking.Shehasthesameproblemalotofhostshave,whichisimaginingshe can read her vampire'smind. She truly believes that if she can figure hervampireout,she'llbeabletoprovidethemagicexcuseorhintthatwillremovehersisterfromherneck.

The troublewithvampires, though, is that theyhaveafunnywayof turningthoseexcusesandhintsintomoresolicitations.Soifahostsays,"Gosh,I'mtoobusytodaytobabysit.IonlyhaveanhourbeforeIhavetogotowork,"thenthe

vampirewill simply turn that inside-outandsay,"Oh!Evenanhourwouldbegreat!I'lldropthekidsoffinjustaminute!"

Another fatalcharacteristic thiswomanshareswithotherclassichosts is thebeliefthatifshecananticipatehervampire'snextdemand,shecansupplyit,andthen,becausehervampire'sappetitewillsupposedlybesatisfied,itwillbuyheralittlefreedomforawhile.Thehost'sstrategyheremightbetooffertobabysitbeforehersisterasksherto,sothathersisterwill(theoretically)thenreturnthefavor by giving her a break. This host, like so many, imagines that byanticipatinghervampire'sappetitesandtryingtosatisfythem,shecanappealtohervampire'ssenseofproportionandfairness.

Doyouwanttolaughfirst,orshouldIjustgoaheadandstartwithoutyou?

An"insatiableappetite"isjustthat:anunquenchablecravingtoconsumethathasnosenseofproportionornormalcyandwhat'skillingmanyofushostsisourrefusaltobelievethat.Wetellourselvesthatifourvampiresseehowmuchwedoforthemandhowwellwedoit,they'llsurelyconsideritmorethanourfairshareandstopaskingusformore-especiallywhenthevampireisamemberofourownfamilyand raised, supposedly,on thesamestandardsandmorals thatwewere.We tellourselves they shouldknowbetter and shouldbehavebetter,tooonlyappetite,inthiscase,winsoutoverbreeding.Kinornot,ourvampiressimplydonothavetheabilitytoseethemselvesorthetruthabouttheirappetites.Justasthefactthattheycannotseethemselvesdefinesthemasvampires,sothefactthatwecanseethetruthaboutourselvesdefinesusaspeoplewithfreewilland the power to change. Thus, as practical vampire slayers, we must forgetabout trying to read theirmindsor satisfy their appetites (whichwecanneverdo), and instead pay attention to our own thinking and motives (which wecertainlycan).

Whileourownvampirescenariosorthedegreetowhichwe'reenthralledbyourvampiresmaybedifferentfromthiswoman's,thefearthatlurksbehindthemandmakesusslavestoourvampires'appetitesisthesame.Justlikeher,weareafraidtosaythatwedon'twanttohelp, thatourownneedsareimportant, that

we have thresholds, and that no vampires-even family members have ourpermissiontocrossthem.

Ofcourse,wehavetoknowwhereour thresholdsarebeforewecantellourvampirestostayontheothersideofthem,andweneedtoknowwhatwewantbeforewecanbeclearwithanyoneelseaboutthat,too.Butthosearebothpartsof the stakewe'llbe shaping forourselves sowecanbe freeofourvampires.Remember: thereare timeswhenourvampires secure their invitationswithouttrickery or solicitations of anykind.Accidental invitations can happen anddoeveryday.

TheAccidentalVampire

Let'ssayyouhaveafriendorrelativewho'sbeensleepinginyourguestroom-sansrent-formaybethepastsixorsevenmonths.

Onemorningyou'rehuntingforthecoffeecreameryouknowwasstillintherefrigeratorwhenyouwenttobedthenightbefore,andaskingyourselfhowyonvampire,nowdigestingfondrememberedcoffeecreamerinthespareroom,evercametobethereinthefirstplace.

Asyoulookbackonit,theinvitationwasactuallyyouridea:Whenyousawthey were in trouble and needed a little help getting back on their feet, youpractically insisted (extended an invitation) they staywith you.They certainlyhadn'tasked(solicited)tocomein,butbackthentheyweredifferent(stillamongthe living) somehow. They didn't seem so dependent and demanding(bloodthirsty and insatiable) in those days; and come to thinkof it, youdidn'tfeelanyactualsuspicionorresentment(bloodlossoranemia)forthefirstweekor two theywere there. Something changed, though, and before you knew it,theyweremovingtheirfurnitureandclothes(casketsandshrouds)in,andprettysoonafterthattheystoppedevenpretendingtheywantedtopayrent.Theydidn'tseem particularly "undead" when you first invited them in, so what the heckhappenedhere,anyway?

Youmaynotbeawareofthis,buttherecanbeatransitiontimeforvampires.Sometimes we invite them in before they've completed their conversion tovampire-hood...ness...orundeadstatus.Imeanbeforethey'veactuallybecome100percentvampire.

We see this illustrated in Bram Stoker's book Dracula, as poorMissMinastruggleswithDracula'srepeatedvisitstofeedonher.Atonepoint,sheseemstobe neither human nor vampire: faint, confused, nervous, and often sick. Sheexhibitsalltheclassicsymptomsweseeinhostswhosevampireskeepreturningtofeed,buthaven'tyetfinishedthejob.Itcangetprettygross,Iknowwatchingpeople deteriorate as theymake the transition from human to vampire. But ithappenstopeople,anditcanhappentoourpeopletoourlovedonesstrugglingwith their ownvampires: sadly and slowlybut surelymaking the transition toTeamVampire themselves.When it comes to these guys, oneminutewe cantrustthatourcoffeecreamerisinthefridge,andthenextminutealmostanythingweowncanturnupmissing.Remember,thisallhappenedwithouttheirhavingevenoncesolicitedaninvitationfromus.

Youknowthatruleaboutourvampiresneedingonlyoneinvitationtogetin?This is a perfect example of that rule, because as you can see, evenwhenweinvite theminbefore they'vemade the transitionandwithout theirsolicitation,thatfirstinvitationisstillgoodandbinding.

Thosearetherules.

TheSolicitationTurnaround

Thereisafavoriteirregularityofminetobefoundamongtheusualprotocolofsolicitations,andit'sonethatDraculausesagain,intheclassicbyBramStoker.Seeifartimitateslifeforyouasmuchasitdoesformehere.

It's early in the story, andDracula is still in his homeland of Transylvania,hangingaroundthecastle.Wehaven'tseenhimknockingonanyvictims'doorsyet,buthehas,interestinglyenough,invitedapotentialvictimtoknockonhis.

It'safascinatingturnofsolicitationwhenhegetstheambitiousbutsadlynaivereal estate agent JonathanHarker to come to the castle. And I believe it alsopresents a problem with vampire etiquette that some of us might not haveanticipated.

Vampires are terrifically cleverwhen it comes to dodging responsibility fortheiractions.Notonlydotheywanttosucktheirhost'sblood,buttheywanttobe sure they don't get blamed for it, too. Evenmore than the rest of us, theyloathe theprospectof taking responsibility for theiractions,which is themainreason,I'vealwaysthought,theyinsistuponreceivingourinvitationsinthefirstplace.

When our vampires secure their invitations before entering, it's not becausetheirmanners are so lovely or because they're just naturally polite: they do itbecausetheywanttobeprepared.Theyhaveenoughexperiencewiththiswholebloodsucking thing toknow thatoneday thehost is sure to start complaining,andwhenthatdaycomes,thevampirewillbeready.

"Listen,pal,"they'lltellus,"Thiswasn'tmyidea!You'retheonewhoinvitedmein,remember?"Ofcourse that'snotsuchaneasyorevenappropriate thingfor a vampire to say when it's the vampire who invites the victim in. Thistransfer of responsibility can be a delicate thing for a vampire to handlegracefully-although one has to hand it to Dracula for finding such an elegantsolutiontotheproblem.WhenMr.Harkercomestothecastledoor,hetellsusDraculaopensupandsays,"withstrangeintonation,"

"Welcometomyhouse.Enterfreelyandofyourownwill!"

I can't stopmyself from smiling every time I read that, becauseDracula issuchaMaster,youknow?Inthatonesimplestatementhe'scompletelyabsolvedhimselfofanyresponsibilityforwhathappensnextinhisrelationshipwithMr.Harker.He'smadeitclearthatanydecisionMr.Harkermakesisofhisownfreewill,andnowit'suptohimtoeitheraccepttheCount'sconditionsforentryintothecastleortoreject them.Spoiler:Heacceptsthempoorguy-andthenthings

get,well...prettystrangeinhislifeforawhileafterthat.

Had it been someonewith knowledgeof the vampire rules knockingon theCount's door, though someone like ... oh, say, me, for instanceand he'dsuggested, however smoothly, that I should "enter of my own free will," thescenemighthaveplayedoutalittledifferently.

I can seemyself signaling the coachman to hold on for a second, and thennonchalantlyturningtotheCountandasking,"Sowhatdidyoumeanbythat'ofmyownfreewill'thing?"

And he'd probably have said something like, "Oh, nothing really. It's just alittlecustomIliketoobservewithsomeofmyguests."

"Oh?"

"Oh yes, indeed ... and I thought if we could come to some sort of anunderstandingaboutyourwillinallofthis...IwasthinkingImightaskyoutobeabitmorespecificaboutitasapersonalfavortome,don'tyouknow."

"Hm,"I'dhavesaid,"aboutmywillinallofwhat,exactly?"

Dracula:Inallthat'sabouttohappen(brushingimaginarylintfromhissleeveandclearinghisthroat)...betweenus,thatis.

Me:Ahh,Isee.Butwhataboutyou?Howdoesyour"will"fitintoallthis?

Dracula: (shrugginghisshoulders)Mywill isnotexactlywhatyou'dcallanissueformethesedays.

Me:Oh,right.ButIstilldon'tgetwhyyouwantthiswholethingtolooklikeit'smyidea...

D:Wellifyou'regoingtomakeabigthingofit...

Me:Hey,I'monlyasking.

D:(leaningover,whisperingconfidentially):Listen,dear,justtryandlightenup foronce,whydon'tyou?This isn'tMilwaukee-this isTransylvania.Wedothingsdifferentlyhere.

Me:Yeah,Iknow,but...

D:Oh, forheaven's sake!Can'tyou just foronce inyour life tryand fit in?Thisisn'tveryattractive,youknow,thisparanoiaofyours.ButIguessIshouldhaveknownyou'dbejustliketherestofyourfamily,allscrewedupandnervousabouteverylittlething.

Me:Hey,waitasecondhow'dwegetfrom"yourcustom"to"myfamily?"

D:(turnsback,crossesarms)Forgetit.JustforgetIasked.

Me:Yeah,well...IthinkI'llbegoingnow.

D:(snappingangrily)Ofcourseyouwill!Youalwaysrunawayfromanythingyoucan'thandle.

Me:(signalingthecoachmanasIstartdownthesteps)Yeah,okay,whateveryousay...

D:Youalwayshavetohaveeverythingyourownway.Selfishthat'syou!

Me:(flutteringfingersovermyshoulder)Uh-huh,wellthen.Bye!

D: (suddenly calm, nods head knowingly) You'll be back. You need me!(Theninside,slammingdoorbehindhimselfandstompinghisfoot)Shit!

Ifbysomechancewe'renot taken inbyourvampires' initialefforts to shiftresponsibilitytousbytheirusualmeansofdeceptionandfast-talking,they'reapttoresorttoacruelermeansofpersuasion.

LikeDracula,ourpracticalvampireswilltrytoweakenandgetusoffbalance.Andjustliketherestofusintheheatofanargument,ourvampireswillletfly

justaboutanythingtheycanlaytheirhandsto,includingpersonalinsultsabout:

Ourcompetence:lackofeducation/ability/intelligence

Ourmorality:sinsofomission/commission/selfishness

Ourappearance:faultsinfeatures,weight,fitness

Ourstamina:lackofstrength,speed,vigor

Our humanity: unworthiness of being treated with respect and commondignity

In particular, they can use any of these things we've confided to them thatwe'reinsecureaboutasweapons:ourfamilies,friends,jobs,andaffiliationsarepopulartargets,too.

Anythingthatprovidesuswithapersonalsourceofstrength,love,orgrowthwill always be a favorite point of attack for our vampires. If we have asupportivebestfriend,she'llbelabeledstupid,crazy,or immoral.Ifwehaveafavoritehobby,association,oroutsideinterestofanykinditwillbejudged(a)aridiculouswasteoftime,(b)totallyselfish,or,mostlikely,(c)both.

If there is anything in our lives supportive or enriching, our vampires willimmediatelyperceiveitasathreatandrushtoadviseusofitsflaws.Ifitlookslike those supportive or enriching things might increase the breathing spacebetweenourvampiresandus,wecanbetourvampireswillrushtobleedthem.You see, those positive things turn our attention and energy away from ourvampires'needs,andtheydefinitelydon'twantuspursuingthingsthatmakeusbetterandstronger.

Our family of origin is surely a favorite vein for our vampires to penetrate.Thetiniestsiporsubtlestpricktothisparticularveininitiatestheflowofheart'sblood:bloodfromourmostcentralandintimatesource.

You saw thewayDracula tried to dig intomy family back there, accusingthem of being "All screwed up and nervous about every little thing." Byattackingmy family, he attempted to suck from thevery sourceofmy life, todrain me of confidence in my origin, my birthright, and as vernacularcoincidencewouldhaveitmyblood.

We want to be especially alert to vampires who show contempt for ourpedigreeordisapprovalofthepeopleandexperiencesthatmadeuswhowearetoday.Vampireswhoattackouressencethatwayareseriousabouttheirfeeding,andoftenseemabletotake"theheart"rightoutofus.

Butthat'svampiretechniqueforyou:alittleniphere,atinybitethere-itkeepstheblooddrainingandourconstitutionsweak.Theselittlewoundscanmakeabigdifferencetoahungryandcontrollingvampire,andkeepingusinaslightlyinjuredandweakenedstateisjustgooddininginsuranceforthem.We'refarlesslikely than "fresher" hosts are to fight back and besides, when we're feelingfragileandscared,we'realmostneverthinkingaboutourinvitations,muchlessourpowertorevokethem.Allwe'rethinkingaboutisourvampire'snextmeal,andwhatanunpleasantexperienceit'sgoingtobeforus.

InternalizedSolicitations

A friend was telling me about how she'd been nearly crippled recently withanxiety about a social gathering that she and her husband were planning toattend.Theparty consistedof a groupof friends they'veknownand loved foryears,buttherewasatendencyamongsomememberstogossip.Sheexplainedtome how certainmembers of the group often "constructively criticized" anymembernotinattendancewhentheygather,andhowshewassoworriedshe'dbeenthemostrecentsubjectoftheir"analysis"shewaslosingsleepoverit.

Ididn'tlikeit.Thesesoundedtomelikevampiresthatmightoncehavelived"outside"ofherbywhich Imean thatheranxietyabout themwasatone timetriggeredonlybybeingintheirphysicalcompanybuthadmoved"inside,"andshewasnowcarryingheranxietyabout themaroundwithher.Herworrywas

startingtofeedonherevenwhentheyweren'taroundproofthattheywerelivingontheinside,whichisjustabouttheworstplacepossibleforthemtobehangingout.

Whenafriendtellsmeshe'sbeenwakinguprepeatedlyinthemiddleofthenightworryingaboutherfriendscriticizingherbehindherback,ittellsmethathervampireshavemovedfromoutsidetoinside;thatthey'vetakenupresidenceinside her in away that no bum on the street or telemarketer over the phonecouldeverdo.Itspeakstotheseriousnessofthethreatweliveunderashostsaswesurrenderoursleep,ourthoughts,ourtime,andultimatelyourlivesovertoourvampires' control. It's just like in thosevampiremovies,where thehost iswalkingaroundinadaze,bewitchedbyaforcetherestofuscan'tseeorhear.Itdemonstrates that the thrall they're under has reached beyond the outside andphysicalpresenceoftheirvampires,andnowliveswithin.

Whenourvampires and their solicitationsbegin living insideof us, it's fearthatbringsthemoverourinnerthresholds.Maybeit'sthehabitualpainwesufferat the hands of our vampires that produces that fear and internalizes it in anefforttodefenduskeepingusvigilantandpreparedfortheirnextattacksowecanavoidbeingashurtaswewerethelasttimetheyfed.Ormaybetheseedsofour fearwere planted long before our vampires ever came into our lives, andnowtheirrepeatedabuseshaveworkedlikeMiracle-Groonthosefears,bringingthem to full bloom insideus at themere thoughtof ourvampires.However ithappens,itmeanstheirpoweroverushasmovedinsideandtheynowhavetheabilitytocontrolusnomatterwhattheirphysicaldistancefromusmightbe.

There comes a pointwith certain vampireswherewe can see that they andtheirsolicitationsarebeginningtodictate,moreandmoreeachday,thewaywespendourtimeandliveourlives.Lotsofusarehostingthesameinnervampiremy friend was: a fear of being judged by others by our friends, employers,relatives, and even by strangers sometimes, whenwe imagine that people wedon'tevenknowareevaluatingorcriticizingusaswewalk througha storeordownabusystreet.Ormaybeit'saprivateterrorwehaveoflosingourjobsorthe ability to care for our families, concerns which, when proportionate, are

healthybutwhenoverblowncan interferewithourability to sleepor toenjoyour lives. Such fears become vampires that dine from within, threatening toconsumeusentirely.Sometimes theycanbe in thesecretswekeeporpartsofourliveswe'redesperatelytryingtohidefromothers.Theymightbethelieswetell,thethingswedothatwe'reashamedof,ortheaddictionswehaveandfeeltheneedtokeepsecretuntilfinally(becauseitisnaturalthatoursecretsshouldseparateusfromothers)weareleftfeelinglonely,disconnected,andwonderinginourisolationwhetherlifehasanymeaningforusatallanymore.

We'rewise to take these inner vampires seriously; armedwith real cunningandanaturalabilitytoworkinthedark,theycaneasilyendupdeterminingwhoweareandwhatwedoandvalue. Ifwedon'tsnapoutof their thrallandstartmaking conscious choices about them pretty soon, we may find ourselveslookingbackonour livesoneday, sadly realizinghowmuchwe lived forourvampires instead of ourselves, andworse, howwe could have taken our livesbackfromthembutneverdid.

Whether our vampires live outside us or inside us, however,we need to besureofourdiagnoses.Whilebeingabletospottheirsolicitationsisagoodstart,there'smore to diagnosing the presence and seriousness of our vampires thanhowtheygetin.Weneedtoconsiderhowtheylooktousandhowwefeelwhenthey'refeeding,too.

IWASCHECKINGOUTATAGROCERY store offering one of those clubmembership things recently, and the clerk who has gotten to know me andknows that I am not a clubmember, will never become a clubmember, willcontinuetopayoutrageouspricesjustforthepurepleasureofremainingaclubnon-member--saidtome,"Soyouhaven'tdecidedtogiveusamade-upnameorfakephonenumberforyouraccountyet?"

She was referring to a scheme employed by a number of customers notwishingtohavetheircomings,goings,andpurchasesrecorded,whocan'tstandthethoughtofsellingtheirprivacyforthesupposedsavingsofafewbucks:theygiveafalsenameandphonenumberforpurposesoftheirownclubmembership.

"hope,"Itoldher,"thatwouldlooklikecompliance,andI'mnotcomplying.Itwouldbelikearosebyanyothername,youknow?Itwouldstillbeme."

She nodded. "You know," she said, "I'm really surprisedmore people don'trefusetosignup.It'sreallykindofweirdhowfewpeopleevenquestionit."

"Well," I said, "I guess if people actually stopped to think about howmuchtheymightbeinvitinginwhentheysignupforthese'clubs,'theywouldquestionit. But since honest people are pretty trusting most of the time, they assumeeveryoneelse-evencorporations-isbeinghonestwiththemtoo."

"Yeah," she said, and we laughed. An identification card to buy groceriesindeed!Whatdothesevampirestakeusfor,anyway-theirnextmeal?

Well,theycanforgetit.Imaynotunderstandthefullextentofwhat'sasking

tocomeinwhenIrefusesolicitationslikethese,butIdohaveaprettygoodideaofwhatavampirelookslikeandhowonesoundswhenit'stryingtoseduceme.

Howdoweknowavampirewhenweseeandhear it?Thereareofcourse theobviousonesformostofus:telemarketers,creditcardcompanies,theIRS,andpracticallyanyoneweactivelydislike,tonameafew;thesebloodsuckersaren'thardtospot.Theydrainourpatience,time,money,energy,andgoodwilleveryday.Butwhat about some of themore subtle vampires the oneswhose fangsaren'tsoclearlyvisible,whosedrinkingisn'tsoplainlyaudible?

Whatisit,forinstance,aboutourfavoritesupermarkets,drugcompanies,gasstations,orairlinesthatI'msuggestingshouldcauseustostartnervouslypattingour pockets for garlic? There are nomembership fees, and all we get are thebenefitsofsavingswiththemandothercompaniesthey'reassociatedwith.Theypromisethey'renotsellingournamesoranypersonal informationtheycollect,sowhat'sallthefussabout?

Well, keeping in mind the vampire's propensity for deception and thebottomless pit that is its appetite, wemight begin to answer that question byexaminingthewayonevampiredisguised-as-grocery-storelookedwhenitmadeitsinitialapproach-orrather,soliciteditsinvitationtome.

Weretherecolorfulstreamershangingeverywhere,andbigbrightsignspastedalloverthestorethatfirstweektheywereintroducingtheiroffer?Wasthereadecoratedsign-uptablewithlotsoffriendlyfolksthere,pushingapplicationsandfliersoncustomersastheywalkedthroughthedoors?Weretherecarscloggingthe parking lot and hundreds of cheerful balloons bouncing in thewind?Waspracticallyeveryoneintowneagerlytellingmehowthey'djustpurchasedorangejuiceforfiftycentsacanthere,andaskingifI'dsigneduptobeamemberoftheClubtoo?

Youbettherewere,youbettherewas,andyoubettheydid.

AndwhileIlikeapartyaswellasanyone,Ihavetosaythatthere'ssomething

aboutallthathooplathatjustdoesn'taddupforme-there'ssomethingtherethatgivesmeasneakingsuspicionthattheymightbetryingtoseduceme.

Ihavetoaskmyself,whensomeonewho'sinbusinesstomakemoneyworksthat hard to getmy attention (and signature) right thatminute,what it is theymightnotwantmetolookatorhavethetimetothinkabout.

Alltheirbigbrightsignsandfunbouncyballoonsremindmeofthosecreditcardguyswiththeirshinystickersanddaringchallengestomovetheirstickersfrom one location to another. Their rush to sign me up and the excessivelyinnocentexpressionsontheir faceswhenIask ifmypersonal informationwillbe sold to or otherwise shared with allied companies reminds me oftelemarketerswhocallmewithanofferthat's"free,"butabouttoexpireinthenext fiveminutes.Theircolorful signswarmly invitingme to"Join theClub!"thatprovidefriendlyadmonitionslike,"Don'tmissout!"remindmeofDraculaconfidentially advising me to get with it and be like everyone else inTransylvania,orelse.

Atmyfirstrefusalto"jointheclub,"theclerk,observingthatIwasperhapstoo dumb to understand it and in need of a calmer, more personalizedexplanation,attempted-gently-toeducateme,"Youreallyshouldgetacard,Mrs.Cunningham.Ican'tissueyoursavingswithoutit,"shesaid,andthenwaitedtoseeifshe'dfinallymanagedtopenetratemythickskull.

Within about five seconds, though, she decided itwas time to quitmessingaround:"It'scompanypolicy,"sheflatlyadvisedme-maybeshethoughtalittleintimidationmighthelpmovethingsalong.

"Yeah,yeah,yeah," I thought,"I'veheard thisvampire rapamillion times."It'salways:

Wejustrequirethisinformationtoupdatethesystem.

Or:Weonlyutilizethisdatatoverifyourrecords.

Or:Thisisjustforthecomputer.

Or:Thisisjustforthecomputer.

Oh,well,whydidn'tyousayso?Ifit'sjustforthecomputer,thenI'msureit'sprobablytootechnicalandimportantformetounderstand.

But that's one of the nice things about corporate vampires: they're usuallyprettyeasytospot,sincethewaythey'resolicitingsooftengoesfromcharming(balloons,smiles,andstickers)tosubtlythreateningorenthralling(bureaucraticorintimidatinglanguage);noneofiteverlooksquiteright.

Thatandthefactthattherulesneverchange:wecanalwaysbeonthelookoutfor their solicitation (signhere-rightnow!) andwatch for thedeception (you'llsavemoney!), the seduction (be one of us!), and the emergency (limited timeonly!) they'llbeusing to tryandget inevery time.When those strategies fail,however,andtheyseethattheystillcan'tsuckaninvitationoutofus,theirtruedesperationandhungerreallystarttoshow.

Whethermythologicalorpersonal, allvampiresmustanswer toanauthoritygreater than their own. In themovies, it's always some vampire explaining inblank, undead tones to the victim how an invitation is required because "theMaster commands it." In the corporateworld, "companypolicy" is always theBig Boss. Either way, when our vampires' sweeter and less intimidatingsolicitationsfail,they'lldragthesesuperiorsouteverytime.Someofuscanbeprettyvulnerabletoauthorityfigures,afterall.

Who, us? Question authority? Cause a scene? Never. Where do we sign?Would they like our checking account number, too, and ourmother's maidenname?Toknowwhetherweownor rentourhomes?We'll tell themanythingtheywanttoknow.We'renotroublemakers.We'regood.

Onlythereweareafewmonthslater,payingforthatobedienceandmarvelingover all the unwanted phone calls, junkmail, spam, and new club invitationswe'resuddenly receiving-tosaynothingofhowourgrocerybillsarestillwhattheywerebeforewejoinedtheir"savings"club.

Andthemoral,ofcourse,isthatifwhatthey'reofferinglooksalittleofftous,ifwe feel rushed or intimidated, or ifwe feelwe're being asked for "just onemore thing" with a regularity that calls to mind that vampire-defininginsatiability, wemight want to pause next time any corporation or institutionapproachesus,andthinktwiceaboutwhatwemightbeinvitingin.

LairSweetLair

Mostofusdon'tevenhavetoleavehometobesolicitedbyavampire;someofthehungriestwefeedcometousfromdowntheblock,aroundthecorner,andevenworse,fromrightinsideourownhomes.Brr...it'sjustlikethatoldmovieabout thebabysitter and thepsychokillerwhokeeps callingher on thephoneandaskingifshe'scheckedthechildren:thelasttimeshepicksupthephoneit'sthecops,andthey'rescreaming,"Getoutofthere!We'vetracedthelineandhe'scallingfrominsidethehouse!"

Theycanbeprettyhair-raising,thesevampireswiththeirinvitationstocomeand go and phone anytime they please. We live in a low-grade fever ofanticipation,tensingjustslightlyeverytimethephoneringsorthere'saknockonthedoor.Weexperiencefeelingpulledagainstourwilltoanswerthemtooasifour feet hadno choicebut towalk to thedoor, our handno alternativebut toreachforthephoneandifthat'snotenthrallment,Idon'tknowwhatis.

TedwasaguyIusedtoknowwhocameoveralmosteverynight,justasIwasgettingreadyforsupper.Iwassoinnocentbackthen,Ididn'tevencatchthathewas timing it so my husband Robert wouldn't be home from work when hecame.I thought the threeofuswerepalsanditwasbyaccidentRobertwasn'thomewhenheshowedup.So,I thought itwasbyaccidentIwastheonewhohadtovisitwithhimtoolisteningtohimtellthesamestoriesandjokesoverandoveragain,andtryingtolaughorsmileasIdid.

Back then, I believed that because hemeant no harm, I couldn't revokemyinvitationtohim.Ithoughtthatbecausehedidn'tknowhowhewashurtingme,itmeantIcouldn'tdefendmyself.Canyouimagine?That'shownaiveIwas-howlittleIunderstoodaboutthevampirerulesinthosedays!

Hispatternwastodropinlateafternoonsandwhiletalking,hintandhint(andhint)abouthowhewantedtostayfordinner.Hewouldactasifitwas"joking,"butheneverletupsoIwouldfinallyhavetoask,"Ted,wouldyoureallyliketostay for dinner?"Sometimes hewould, butmore often he'd justmake anotherconfusing joke that didn't answer the question and after a fewmonths of thisgame,itreallyworemedown.

ThereIwas,anewwifeandmothertryingtogeteverythingright,tryingtobekindandthebestpersonIcouldbe,andhewasmakingmesickliterallybecauseanysparemoment Imight'vehadbefore I cookeddinnerwas sacrificed tohisneeds.Hedidn'treallyinterestmeorevenactmuchlikearealfrienddoeslikesomeonewholistens,seesyourneeds,andcaresaboutthem.

Sometimeshe'dbringnicelittlethingsformydaughterMaddietoplaywith,but it wasn't long before I started thinking he was using those presents asadmission (excuses) to come in, a clear sign something was wrong with therelationship.

Iwasindenialabouthim,afraidtothinkhemighthavebeenavampireandevenmoreafraidtoknowhewasforsure.ButtodayI'mnotafraidanddoknowforsure.Iknowbecauseofthewayheindulgedhisownselfishneedtoimposeonmeandmytime,neverseeingthewayfriendsdothatIwasbusy,hadanewhusbandandbaby,andmighthavewantedtorestabitbeforedinnertime.AllheeversawwaswhatTedneededandeventuallyIdidn'twanttobethepersonwhogaveupherownlifetomeetthoseneedsanymore.

GuyslikeTedaren'ttheonlyoneswhocanmakeussick,though.Anyperson,institution,or thoughtwehaven't identifiedasdrainingandclearlydefinedourlimitstohasthepotentialtobecomeavampiretous,butwecaneasilydiagnoseourselves.

If you feel yourself cringe when the phone rings or there's a knock on thedoor,butyoudon'tknowwhy, then try this:Sitdown,closeyoureyes, takeacoupleofcalmingbreaths,andthenquietlyrememberthelasttimeyoufeltthatway.Whatwereyouthinkingwhenthatshotoffearranthroughyou?

•Wastheresomeoneinparticularyouthoughtmightbeontheothersideofthatdoorortheotherendofthatphonethatmadeyoujump?Whoisthatpersonwhomakesyousouneasy?What'stheirname?

•Askyourselfwhatitisaboutthatpersonthatmakesyousouncomfortable.Doyouowethemmoney?Anapology?Istheresomethingthathappenedbetweenthetwoofyouthathasneverbeenspokenofbutneedstobe?Aretheyrepeatedlydisrespectfulorsuggestiveinawaythatmakesyouillatease?Doyoufeelyourrelationshipwiththemisundefinedorthattheotherpersonhasdifferentfeelingsforyouthanyoudoforhim/her?Orhaveyousimplynevermadeitclearwhereyourthresholdisandthatyoudon'twantthisparticularpersondroppinginorcallinganyoldtimeheorshewants?

Thatanxietyistheretoserveusandhassomuchitwantstotellusaboutourrelationships and ourselves. Besides, sooner or later our anxiety will becomeanother bloodsucker in itself and we'll find ourselves "catching two vampires

withoneinvitation"

Somefamilymembers,neighbors,andfriendsmaynotnecessarilybevampiresin themselves,but the thingstheysayanddocancertainlydrainus.Sadlyandnaturally enough, it's the people closest to us who make the greatestcontributions of "constructive criticism" to the collection baskets of self-doubtmostofuscarryaround.Althoughsomeofthesepeopledon'tintendtohurtus,they are obviously blind to the futility and even cruelty of their suggestions.Their "helpful"words can leave us frustrated, hurt, and after awhile-guardedaboutspendinganytimewiththematall.

Girlfriendswe thinkweknowsowellcanshockuspractically into thenextdimensionwhentheyshareremarkslikethesewithusinpublic:

There'sanewbookoutbyDr.PhilIthinkwouldbejustperfectforyou.

Youaresoluckytohaveahusbandashandsomeasyours.

There'sasalegoingonoveratMacy'sandIsawsomebeautifulpaddedbrasthere.Youshouldcheckitout.

Husbandsandpartnershavebeenknowntosurpriseuswithafewinsensitiveobservationsoftheirown:

Mylastgirlfriendwasreallybeautifulontheoutside,butyou'resobeautifulontheinside.

Youlookgreat...exceptforyourface.

Andmypersonalall-timefavorite:

Ifyoueverwantanosejob,I'llbehappytopayforit.

Nowthatwasconfusing-Imean,itwaslikethepersonsayingitwastryingtobehelpfulbutinatotallypsychoticandinsultingway.

Thereareneighborswholiketocamouflagetheircriticismwiththissamekindofbenevolence:

Ihavesomeextratulipbulbsthatwouldlookjustbeautifulgrowingoutsideyourfrontdoor.

JustsaythewordandI'llhelpyoupaintthatgarage.

Didyouknowthecommunitycenterisnowofferingdogobedienceclasses?IthinktheywouldbeperfectforyouandBowser.

It'sweirdgettingsetuptohavetosaythankyouforbeingcriticizedlikethat.However, most of us have experience with people who like to counterfeitthoughtfulnessinthatway:theybuyusticketstosomeplacewehavenointerestingoing(theirbowlingtournamentsinafarawaystate,forinstance)orgiveusgiftswehavenointerestinowning(asweaterinexactlythestyleandcolorwenever wear). And we all know how much they like to be thanked for doingthingswedon'twantdone:formakingourdinnerbutleavingthemessforustocleanup,orfor"remodeling"aroomwehaven'tbeenabletousebecausethey're"stillworkingonit."Weallknowhowitistogetstuffweneveraskedforandstillbeexpectedtogushwithgratitudeforit.

Itisn'ttheworstsinintheworld,I'llgrantyou,butwhenyouaddthattothefact that when we really do need their help or assistance-for money orcompensation, for time off or helpwith the kids, for a particular food/itemofclothing, or even medicine we need-they'll tell us what we're asking for isunreasonable andwe're just plainwrong for thinkingwe needed it in the firstplace.

"Beingmadewrong"foreverysinglethingwedo,need,andthinkcanmakeussick,butthere'ssomethingelsethatcanmakeussicker-andthat'sdefendingthevampirewho'stryingtomakeuswronginthefirstplace.

•Doyoutellyourselfthatthewayyourvampiretreatsyou"isn'tthatbad,""couldbealotworse,"oris"atleastbetterthanitwasbefore?"

•Doyoumakeallowancesfortheirabusivebehaviorbecauseyou"understandthingsaboutthemthatotherpeopledon't"-likemaybehowmuchpressurethey'reunderorhowbadtheyhaditwhentheywerekids?

•Doyouhearwhispersfromwithin,tellingyouthatyourvampires,"areprobablyright"intheircriticism-orworse,doyouhearvoicesspeakingatfullvolumefromwithin,tellingyouthatyourvampires"aresurelyright"intheircriticism?

Only peoplewho have relationshipswith the undead feel the need tomakeexcuses for them thatway, and only peoplewho host vampires feel a greaterneedtolettheirvampiresoffthehookforallthepainthey'recausingthemthantheydotodefendthemselvesagainsttheinflictionofthatpain.

Onewaytodiagnosethepresenceofavampireinyourlifeisbycheckingtoseeifyou'reputtingtheirneedsaboveyourown-andIdon'tmean"becauseyoulove and respect them," either. I mean because you're enthralled and haveforgottenhownottoputtheirneedsaboveyourown.Perhapsyou'veforgottenyou'rejustasworthyofloveandrespectastheyare.

There's a difference between the love we give that brings us joy andfulfillment, and the lovewegive thatbringsusmiseryandself-doubt.Weseethe difference, we hear the difference, but still don't trust our senses. Andtrustingourselvesisessentialtopositivelyidentifyingourvampires.

Aspouseorpartnercan takeover theadministrationofyour life, insideandout:bothasmanagerofhowyouspendyourdaysandarbiterofhowmuchorlittleyouvalueyourself.Weallknowhowtheycanmoveinfirstbygettingoverour thresholds, then by slowly assuming control over our activities, andeventuallyourthoughtsandbeliefs,too.

Anaddictiontodrugsoralcoholcanenterandtakecontrolinmuchthesame

wayaperson can.Gambling, credit card abuse, and compulsive issues aroundfoodandeatingcanmoveinandtakeoverinasimilarway.Almostanythingcanbecome a vampire to us if we extend an invitation to it. And once they'revampires, you'll probably notice that all their needs and entitlements usuallycomebeforeyourown.

Butourvampiremightbeofasmallerandlessdominatingclass.Itmightbethatcrazy-makingnext-doorneighbororcoworkerwehave,theonewhodoesn'tconsumevatsofourbloodin thewayanabusivepartneroranaddictiondoes,butjustasmallvialortwoofiteachdayinstead.

Nomatterhowwemightmistrustwhatoureyesandearstellus,andnomatterhowwetrytohidefromoursuspicionsthatourpartnerdoesn'treallymeantobecruel, that we still have control over our alcohol or drug use, or that thecoworkerwho'sdrivingusnuts isn'tabigdeal thereisonediagnosticmeasurewecannotchangeorhidefrom.Thereisonewaytothetruthaboutourvampireswecannotpushawayintellectually,becauseourintellectisnotwhereitlives.

Many of us, when attempting to determine the presence of a vampire in ourlives, resolve to study themmorecarefully.Wesurvey,measure, andevaluatethem,searching foranyclueswecan findas towhat they reallyare: friendorfoe.We takenoteof theirdeceptions, their inconsistencies, their exploitations,andtheirappetites,doingourbest toobjectivelyrecordwhatwesuspectmightbevampirishcharacteristics.Wecalmlyaskourselveswhether they'reshowingthat they truly loveorvalueus,or if theyare in fact,only feedingonus.Themorewe look and listen, the closerwe come to concluding that theymust bevampires.Wetellourselves,withdismalsatisfaction,thatwe'reseeingthetruthaboutthemforthefirsttime.

Whenwe gather this data and try to analyze it, however,we feel ourselvesbeginning to falter. Our results seem inconclusive and our old doubts andreservations resurface, even in the face of the overwhelming evidencewe justcollected.Wewonderifwecouldhavebeenmistaken.Wetellourselveswe'rebeing unfair. Our fear of making an irreversible mistake prevents us fromembracingafinalconclusionanditseemsthere'snowayforustobeabsolutelysureifwe'vegotarealvampirefeedingornot.

Here'sthethingthatkillsme,though:Whenadogbitesus,wedon't lookatthedogtoseehowbadlywe'vebeenhurt,welookatthebite.WhenIwassevenyearsoldandabasenjinamedShebaremovedanounceoffleshfromthepalmofmyhand,you'dbetterbelieveIdidn'tscrewaroundtryingtogetacloserlookat her to seewhether shewas really a dogor not --I pulledmyhand away asquickasIcouldtogetacloserlookatwhereshebitme!

It's ironic thatwhenmostofus start suspectingavampirehasbittenus, thefirst thing we try to do is to get a closer look at the vampire. It's as if byconfirming that it's really a vampire,we're allowed to believe ourwounds aregenuine and therefore really painful! Or as if, by confirming it's really not avampire,wecanbelieveourwoundsaresuperficialandthereforelesspainful!

A thorough diagnosis of our personal vampires requires that we search notonlyoutsideourselveswherewecanstudythevampire,butalsoinsideourselveswhere we canmeasure the injury it's done. Determining the authenticity of avampirerequiresmuchmorethansimplyevaluatingthewayitlooksandsounds;italsorequiresanalyzinghowourwoundsfeel.

AnalyzingtheBite

Fear:Thisisoneofourmostdefinitivewounds,usuallyshowingupasgeneralfeelingsofanxietyandforebodingalmostalwayscompoundedbysomethingmuchmorespecific:thesickeningdreadwefeelaboutourvampire'snextfeedingorpossibleambush.Therearetimeswecanpredicttheirappetitesandmealtimes,butthereareothertimeswecan't-whentheirfeedingsarecalculatedtoambushandthuskeepusoffbalance,andthatsecretschedulemagnifiesourfearby...oh,maybeaboutathousandtimes.

Despair:Occurswhenwestartbelievingthere'snopointintryingtoescapeourvampireandthatwe'repowerlesstochangeourcircumstances.Thisisprobablythemosttenderofourwounds,asyoumayalreadyknow,andonethat'seasilyidentifiedbythedepthandbreadthofplainoldsadnesswefeel.

Doubt/Guilt/Envy:Thesearealsoprettycommonwoundstobefoundonanyhost;thecripplingdoubtwehaveaboutwhoweare,whowe'rebeginningtosuspectourvampiresare,andthen(asanaddedbonus)theguiltwefeelabouthavingthosedoubtsandaboutthesecretswe'rekeepingfromourtrulylovingfriendsandfamilywithregardtothosedoubts.Ontopofthese,thereistheenvyorjealousywesometimesfeelasaresultofourlowselfesteemandself-doubt.

Loneliness:Keepingthosesecretdoubtsandthetruthaboutoursuspicionsisolatesus,andthemoreofourselveswethinkwehavetohide,thedeeperintothedarkwe'llgoandmorealonewe'llfeel.

Starvation:That'swhatitfeelslike:thedeprivationwefeeleverytimewe'refacedwithourvampires'ingratitudeandinfuriatingneedtoabsolve

facedwithourvampires'ingratitudeandinfuriatingneedtoabsolvethemselvesofanyresponsibilitytheyhavefortheirappetitesandbehaviors.Westarveforwantoflove,respect,recognition,thetiniestbitofold-fashionedfairplay,orevenjustasimple"thankyou."Andthelongerwelivewithoutthosethings,themorewereallydobegintofeelasifwe'restarving.

Resentment:GoodoldeverydayresentmentandIdomeaneveryday.I'mreferringtotheangerwefeeltowardacertainperson,institution,situation,orbeliefinourlivesthatoccursoverandoveragain.It'sanangerthatreturnswithsuchregularity,infact,thatitstartstofeellikeanormalpartofourlives,avampireweinteractwithandfeeddailywithouteventhinkingtwice.Icanremember,forinstance,drivingtoajobIusedtohave.Everymorningandrightonschedule,aboutfifteenminutesintothetripitwouldcome:myresentmentaboutacertaincoworkerandmyobsessivethinkingaboutwhatshewasgoingtosayanddothatdayandthescriptIhadforhowIwasreallygoingtotellheroffthistime.Honestly,itwasthesameperformanceinmymindeverymorning:she'llsaythis,I'llsaythat;she'lldothis,I'lldothatallthewaytowork.

Ourresentmentsmightbeassmallbutredundantasthefactthatwe'retheonlypersoninthehousewhoseemstoknowhowtoemptythedishwasherorhangupourcoatwhenwecomehome.Ortheymightbeassneakyandmeanasourinnercritics,tellingushowawfulwelookeverymorningwhenwegetdressed:pedestrianbutdeadly.

When we're searching for our resentments, this is the kind of thing we'relookingfor:theangryfeelingswehavethataresorepetitive,theystarttoseemabout as normal to us as brushing our teeth.And just like brushing our teeth,they generally come on schedule: the same resentment triggered by the samestimulus,everytime.

TimetoWrite

Whenyou'rereadytoconsideryours,you'llwanttomakealistsoyoucansee,

inblackandwhite,outsideofyou,what'sgoinginsideofyou.Grabanotebookandgoodpen,gosomeplaceyoucanbealoneforawhile,andthensitbackandthinkaboutyourday. It canbe todayoryesterdayeitheronewillwork.Closeyoureyesandpretendyou'rewatchingamovieofthatdayandyourselfasyouwent through it. As you're watching, write these things down: the people,situations, and thoughts you have that make you feel frightened, despairing,lonely,doubtful,starving,invisible,orresentful.Hereisathree-stepprocess:

1.Writedownthenameofthepersonorthingthatisbotheringyou.

2.Writedownthethingtheydoorwhathappensthatcausesyourwound.

3.Writedown,specifically,thewayyourwoundmakesyoufeel.

To keep your thoughts organized, try scratching out a few simple columns,makingalistthatlookssomethinglikethis:

Bringthesethingsintothelightwhereyoucanseethem;that'sasfarasyougofornow.Therewillbemoretodolater,ofcourse,butaspracticalslayers,wetake this one step at a time, in the order prescribed, with thoroughness, andwithoutskippinganysteps.

There'safabulousscenein'Salem'sLotwheretheslayersaredrivingallovertown,findingallthevampires'hidingplacesandmarkingthemwithabigblackgreasepencil.Theirplanistofindallthevampiresfirst,thenslaythemlateronforefficiency'ssake,asIrecall-becausetheydon'thavealotoftime.

When they findavampirehidingunderaporch (thesolesof itsworkbootsgiveitaway),oneofthemgetstheideaoftryingtopullitoutintothedaylighttoseeifthatmightbeenoughtokillit.Theothersagreeit'sworthatry,andsotheystartheavingthisvampireoutfromundertheporchwhereit'shiding.

Butisthisthebiganddramaticsolutionwehopeitwillbe,wherethevampireburstsintoflamesorcrumblesintoashwhenithitsthelight?

It'snot.Firstthevampirestartstosteammorelikewetlaundrythananythingelse-and then it starts to twitch and kick. The skin pulls away from its teeth,revealingtheirnewshape,andthenitstartstohunchandsquirmitswayblindly

back under the porch. It's a scene not somuch exciting or spectacular as it isplainoldrevolting.

Theslayersstandthereandwatchuntil it'sfinallywormeditswaybackintothedarkandliesstillagain,then,slightlysickened,theymarkthespotwiththeirgrease pencil and prepare to go on. This, of course, is the moment theyunderstandit'sgoingtotakealotmoretoslaytheirvampiresthanjustdraggingthemintothelight:it'sgoingtotakerealworkanddedication.

Whenwemake this list,we'redoingexactly the same thing:we'redraggingourvampiresintothelightandmarkingdownwheretheyhide.Creatingthislistisnot"slaying,"butwealsoknownowthatiftheywigglebackundertheporch,we'll be able to find themagain.Now thatwe've seen themclearly,we knowexactlywhattheylooklikeandwheretheylive.

Diagnostics and Three Is to Remember: Invisibility, Insatiability, andIngratitude

There is another diagnostic tool we have, and it relates to the feeling ofinvisibilitywe sometimes get around our vampires and how that ties into ourvampires'failuretoacknowledgethethingswedoforthem.DoyourememberwhenDraculasaidtoMr.Harker:

"Enterfreely,andofyourownwill."

PredatorslikeDraculadon'tsaythingslikethatonlybecausetheydon'twantto take responsibility for their invitations, although that's a verybig part of it.Underneath, there is a reason they wait for us to make all the decisions, sitquietly until we suggest solutions to their problems, and a reason they won'tsimply ask forwhat theywant. There's a reason theywait for offers of food,shelter, and assistance, and it's the same reason they don't want to be heldaccountableforanypainorinconveniencetheycauseus,aswell.

It'sbecausethey'reproud.

Vampires don't like having to clean up after themselves or having to saythey'resorry.Theydon't like toadmit theymakemistakesand that'swhy theywon'tmakedecisions,either;theymighthavetotakeresponsibilityformakingthewrongone.Theydon'tliketohumblethemselvesbyhavingtoaskforthingsdirectlyandtheycertainlydon'twanttoappeartoneedanyone.Theydon'twanttocooperate, tobeanequalpartner inany relationship,or tobeapeer inanycommunity,either.Butmorethananythingelse,vampiresdonotlikehavingtosaythankyou.

There's a magical thing that happens when we express gratitude for thingswe'vebeenofferedinthislife:wereceivethem.Whenwefail toacknowledgesomethingwe'vebeengivenbywithholdinggratitude,wecannotacceptorretainit:it'sasifouringratitudedismissesthatthing,andasaresultweneverreceiveit.

Thisdismissal iswhatmakesfor insatiableappetitesandeverlastinghunger:nomatterhowmuchthey'reofferedorhowmuchtheytake,vampirescanneverreceiveanyof itbecause theyrefuse toacknowledgeorsay thankyou.And ifthey never receive a meal no matter howmany servings they demand they'llneverbeanythingbuthungryanddissatisfied,andwillalwaysdo theirbest totrickusintogivingthemmore.

But thesad truth is thatmanyvampiresdon'thave to trickus intoprovidingwhattheywantorevenhintatit,becausesomanyofustakeprideinbeingabletoreadtheirmindsandanticipatetheirappetites.Forsomeofusit'sactuallypartof the contract:we begin our relationships, right at the starting gate,with theunderstanding that we will always provide whatever the other person needswithout their having to ask, acknowledge it, or thankus for it. Sometimeswebeganwithpeoplewho tried to thankus for the thingswedid,butwe-pridingourselves on being the perfect hosts immediately established a "no gratitude"clauseinourcontractsbysaying,"Oh,noneedtothankme,"or"itwasnothing"whichactuallyencouragedthesepeopletohurtandignoreus.

Thetroublewithneverreceivingacknowledgmentorgratitudeisthatwecan

starttofeelasifwe'redisappearingandeventuallyfeellikewe'renotevenhereatall.Rememberwhenwediscussedhowwebecomeinvisibletoourvampiresandhowtheirblindnessmakesitimpossibleforthemtoseeourneeds?They'renot always alone in that blindness, and if we're not careful, we'll becomeinvisibletoourselves,too.

There's a most heartbreaking and frankly amazing description of what canhappenintherelationshipbetweenhostsandmirrorsin'Salem'sLot.I'veneverseen this subject handled in vampire literature anywhere else, and it certainlybears reviewing. The scene concerns a young vampire boy's mother who hasbeenhostinghersoneverynightsincehissupposeddeath: thispoorwomanisweak, dazed, and completely worn out, but doesn't know why. She has noconsciousmemoryofher son'snightly feedingsonher, recalling themonlyasdreams.

She'stalkingwithherhusbandonemorning,tellinghimaboutthenightbeforeintheirbathroomwhenshe'dbarelybeenabletomakeoutherownreflectioninthe mirror. She explains how her image was so faint, she could almost seestraightthroughittotheobjectsreflectedintheroombehindher:likeshecouldseethebathtubandshowercurtaininthemirror,butnotherself.

This iswhathappenswhenwehost a vampire for too long, and evenwhenwe'rehostingthemoutoflove,asthiswomanwaswithhersonwhenwekeeptellingourselvesthat"wecanhandle"ourvampire'sfeedingsjustalittlelonger.Notonlydowebecomedangerouslyillfromallthe"blood-loss"(lossofself),buttherealsocomesapointwherewealmostcan'tseewhat'sleftofourselvestosave.Ourownreflectionsstarttodisappear,andprettysoonweceasetoexistasthemirrorimplies,especiallytoourselves.

It's the constancy of the feedings that gets us eventually: the feedings wecourteouslypretendaren'toccurring,the"anemia"thatcausesourconfusion,andtheabsenceofgratitudeandacknowledgmentforallwedoinourdiligencetobeperfecthosts thatwearsusdowncompletely,andmakesus feel likewemightneverseeourselvesagain.

Nowonderwefeelinvisible.Vampiresareatricky,hungrybunchthatknowthe rulesandwillalways try topreventus fromrememberingwhoweareandwhereourpowerreallyis.

AsktheSlayer

WHAT'SUPWITHMYSISTERVAMPIRES?

DearPVS,

Whyaresomewomenvampirestootherwomen?Iknowsomanywhoarenicetoyourfacebutbackbitingthesecondyouturnaround.Howcome?

Signed,

BaffledinS.F.

DearSanFrancisco,

It'sfunnyhowmanywomenhavefriendstheydon'ttrustatall.I'mshockedwhentheytellmeabouttheirtwofacedgirlfriends,andalwaysthink,"Whywouldyouwanttobefriendswithsomeonelikethatanyway?"

It sounds like you've asked yourself this question and already made thechoicetofindmoresatisfyingrelationships,sogoodforyou!

Buttoansweryourquestion,Ithinkformanywomenit'ssimplypolitics:thesocialpoliticsoffeelingweneedtobefriendlywithonewomanbecauseshe'salsoafriendofanotherfriendofours.Thentherearepoliticsatwork:wherewehavetointeractwithsomewomanforfortyhoursaweekandtrytokeeptherelationshipaspleasantaspossible,nomatterhowbackbitingshemaybe.

relationshipaspleasantaspossible,nomatterhowbackbitingshemaybe.

I'mnoexpertonfeminism,butthereareplentyofbooksouttherethatmightansweryourquestion.AsapracticalvampireslayerIhavethesamesolutionforalldifficultrelationships,whetherwithmenorwomen:webringlighttothemsowecanmakecleardecisionsaboutwhoweare,whowewanttobeinvolvedwith,andtowhatdegree.Thebeautyofbringingtheserelationshipsintothelightisthattheythennolongervictimizeus.Weknowwe'vemadeachoiceandhavethusrestoredourpersonalpower.

PVS

I'VENOTICEDTHATMANYOFUSWHO'VEbeenhostingvampires forawhilecangetallmixedupaboutthebusinessofpowerandwho'sgotit.Itisnotmywishtohurtanyone'sfeelings,ofcourse,butIdofeelIshouldpointoutthatwhenavampirehasbeendrainingusforweeksormonthsorevenyears,wearenotnecessarilyatour"mentalbest"andarethereforesusceptibletoallsortsofsillyideas.Onesillyideamostofusareexposedtowithsickeningregularityandconsiderableforceisthisideathatourvampireshaveallthepower,andthatwedon'thaveany.Isn'tthatalwaysthewaywithvampires?It'sliketheyhavethismantra they have to repeat again and again about how strong and wise andsuperiortheyare,andhowweakanddopeyandsecond-rateweare.

Like any good salespeople, controlling vampires understand the value offrequentrepetition.Thisexplainswhysomanyofthemarefaithfultoaregularscheduleofcondescendingandevenbrutalremarkstous.Ashosts,weroutinelygetanearfuloftheircomprehensivecriticism,whether,asthesayinggoes,"weneeditornot."Theirliesandexaggerationsarepreciselytailoredtofitourownfearsanddoubtsaboutourselves,andare,infact,custom-madejustforus.

MyfriendPaulaoncecametomeaboutherhusband,whomshedescribedasbeing publicly mild-mannered but privately vampire-mannered. She wasterrifically gorgeous an intelligent and energetic middle-aged woman-and thiswasthesecondmarriageforbothherandherhusband.They'dbeentogetherforaboutfifteenyearswhensheconfessedtomethatshewasstartingtogetprettyannoyedwithwhathadfirstseemedlikeamerelychildishhabitofhis.

Shesaidthateverytimehecouldfindawaytoweaveitintoconversation,hewould talk about how he had "molded her into a new woman" since they'dmarried.Helikedtoremindherofhowhe'dintroducedhertohiking,canoeing,

biking,andcamping,andheseemedtowanttotakecreditformakingheramorecompletepersonsortoflikeHenryHigginsdidwithElizaDoolittle.Butshetoldmethateventhoughthishusbandwasprivatelyandemotionallyabusingher,herfirsthusbandhadpubliclyandineverywayabusedherwhichmadethissecondoneseem,bycomparison,"notthatbad."

HowmanytimeshadIheardthatstory?Whereahostgoesfromfeedingonevampirewhoeatslikeapigtoonewhoeatsalittlemoredaintily,andthehostthinks,becauseofthissupposedimprovement,thattheyshouldn'tcomplain.

Howmanytimes?Hundreds.I'mnotkidding.

WhatPaulawantedtoknowwashow,inthefirstplace,herhusbandalwaysseemedtoknowexactlywhatwordstouseandwheretoaimthemsotheywouldhurthermost,andhow,inspiteofthefactthatthethingshesaidmadeherfeelterrible,shewasstillafraidoflosinghim.Itwasamysterytoherthatshecouldfeelsohurtandstillwanttobewithhimatthesametime;itdidn'tmakesense.

Howdid he know, she askedme, that itwas her age, her ability to interactsocially, her creative potential, and her intelligence she was most insecureabout?Howcouldhecriticizeher about all those things socruelly, and in theend,stillmanagetomakeherfeelasthoughsheneededhim?

Paulaisatextbookhost,Imustsay.Andherhusbandisatextbookvampire.I'veheard this storybefore-everypartof it. It illustratesacoupleofprinciplesaboutpowerIthinkweshoulddiscuss.

IsolatedRepetition

Verbalbatteringworks.Ifwehearathingoftenenoughandespeciallyifit'stheonly thing we hear, sooner or later we're sure to start believing it ourselves.Paula'shusbandmanagedtokeepherattentionprimarilyonhimbylivingontheoutskirtsof townandmingling infrequentlyandwithonlyaveryfew"choice"people-his choice, of course. Then too, he was always careful to stick to the

same degrading themes: how shewas getting old, had always been awkward,hadnoimagination,wasn'tverysmart,andtheever-popular"I've-done-so-much-to-enrich-yourlife-you d-be-nothing-without-me" routine. The result? Acarefullybalanceddietofisolationandrepetition.

Privacy

Foralltheterribledefectshefoundinher,though,thisguy,likesomanyofhiskind,nevereversuggestedshegetprofessionaloroutsidehelpofanykindtofixthem.There's nothing unusual about that, by theway this type is always verycarefultoremindusthatwhatgoesonbetweenthemandusisprivate,andthatabsolutelynooneelsemustknowabout it.No sharingwithothers, no secondopinions,noway.

"Thisisnobody'sbusinessbutours,"they'lltellus.

"It'safamilymatter,"they'llsay.

They consider it very important to keep their hosts cut off and all tothemselvesby these extrememeasures.We've all heard the expression "divideand conquer," and it's a strategy our vampires knowwell: they can divide usfrom the people who love us and the things that strengthen us and keep usfeelingconnected,thus,conqueringusisthatmucheasier.

AFewThingstoLookFor

If you think youmight be hosting a vampire that has you believing you need[them]morethan[they]needyou,orifyoususpectyourvampireisturningthetablesand trying tomakeyoubelieveyou'refeedingon them(anotherpopularploy),youmaywanttocheckthefollowinglisttoseeifanyofthesearetrue:

•You'rephysicallyisolated:youliveinaremoteareaoratleastfarenoughfromtheactionthatyouneedacartogetanywhere.

•You'reemotionallyisolated:you'rediscouragedfromhavingmorethanone

ortwofriendsifthatandyouroppressorishighlycriticalofyourfamily,yourteachersoremployers,yourneighbors,andanyfriendsyouhadbeforeyoubecameinvolvedwiththemalthoughpublicly,ofcourse,theyarefriendlyandcourteoustoall.Aboveall,theseguyswanttolooknormal.

•Youarediscouragedandevenpreventedfromworkingorgoingtoschoolor,ifyoumustworkorgotoschool,youhearalotofcriticismaboutthequalityofthejoborschoolyougotoandanypeopleyou'renaiveenoughtotellyourvampireyouinteractwith.Nothing'severgoodenoughforthemnotevenafabuloussalaryorstraightAsonyourreportcard.

•Youdon'thavedecenttransportation,andwhenyourcarbreaksdown,you'redependent on your vampire to have it fixed. When that happens, they willeither stall about having it fixed (saying they can't afford it, don't have thetime,willget to it later,or forgot tobuy thepartagain)orsimply tellyou itcannotbefixedatall.

•Youdon'thaveanymoneyofyourownandarepositioned(byobstaclesinvolvingchildcare,transportation,orbecauseyou'vebeendupedbyoneofanythousandsofotherexcusesyourvampirehasgivenforwhyyouhavetostayhome)insuchawaythatyoucannotworktoearnyourownmoneywithouthavingtoleaveyourrelationshipentirelyandstartagainsomewhereelse,newandalone-whichisnearlyimpossible,ofcourse,becauseyoudon'thaveanymoneyandhavebeencutofffromfriendsandfamilyforsolongthatyou'reafraidtoaskanyoneforhelp.

•Yourvampirehasanuncannyabilitytobiteyouexactlywhereithurts.Heorshehasdiscoveredyourareasof"thinnestskin,"knowsallyourworstself-doubtsandfears,andpreciselywheretoattack.

•Youbelievethemwhentheysuggest,eitherdirectlyorindirectly,thatyouarenotstrongenough,smartenough,goodlookingenough,talentedenough,dedicatedenough,moralenough,orsaneenoughtoholdajob,finishschool,orhavefriends.Theysaythatyou'redefective-andthere'salittlevampireinsideofyouthatbelievesthem.

insideofyouthatbelievesthem.

•Youquestionyoursanityand/oremotionalhealth:yourvampiresmaytrick,startle,orotherwisesetyouuptothinkyou'regoingcrazyoryou'resomehowmoreneuroticthaneveryotherpersonoutthereis.

Which,bytheway,I'mgoingtostopheretosayyou'renot.You'renocrazierthananybodyelseandifyoudon'tknowthatyet,Icertainlyhopeyouwillbythetimeyou'redonewiththisbook:youarenotcrazy.Ordefective.Andaboveall:youarenotpowerlesseither;youjustneedtogetstraightaboutyourvampiresandwhetherornotyouwanttocontinuelivingwiththem.Andit'smyguessisthatspendingyourlifearoundpeoplewhowantyoutofeelbadaboutyourselfisprobablynotwhatyoucameheretodo.

There's the vampire's point of view to consider: as far as they're concerned,almost anything can happen out there in the realworld. If they don't keep usisolated,thenwecouldbeexposedtoallkindsofexciting,orworse,liberatinginfluences.Whatifweshouldbegintoformanambitionorpurposeofourown,beyondsimplytryingtokeeptheirappetitessatisfied?

Vampires trying tomaintain the illusion of their host's dependence on themcannothavethosehostsrunningaroundallovertheplace,meetingallkindsofcool people and doing all kinds of interesting things that might accidentallyresult in some kind of personal growth or independence. Somebody out theremight have a different opinion to share with that host and alter their self-perception--maybeinamorepositivelight.Novampireintheworldisgoingtosit still for selfesteem building like that! For vampires, there must be nodissolutionofthemessage;theirevaluationofusistheonethatcounts,andonlytheirs.

This process of destroying our self-worth by privately and systematicallytakingbloodfromourareasof thinnestskinserves thevampire inat least twowaysthatIcanthinkof:

1.Itreinforcesinusthenecessarybeliefthatwe,ashosts,deservenothingbetterthanourgloomyandthanklessoccupationsasvampirechow.

betterthanourgloomyandthanklessoccupationsasvampirechow.

2.Itservesasaremindertousthatonlyourvampireshavetheneededexpertisetoappraiseourlives,andthatouropinions(oranybodyelse's)don'tactuallycount.

Ashoststotheseoften-persuasivevampires,itcanfeelasifwe'vesurrenderedourprerogativesasifthedaysofmakingourowndecisionsandevaluatingourownlivesare farbehindus, likeadreamwecanbarelyremember. It'sa thingthathappensslowly,onelittleacquiescenceatatime,untilthedayfinallycomeswhenweawakenandwonderwhateverhappened toourplans togrowupandbecome something-anything-other than servants to these selfish andungratefulvampires.

Whilewakingup to the fact thatwe'regivingour livesaway tovampiresmaynotfeellikesuchagoodthing,letmeassureyou:itis.Tothoseofuswhohaveawakened to the fact but still feel some doubt about our power-thanks to acombination of blood loss and a steady flow of spiteful fiction from ourvampires-I'd like to offer the following aide memoire, a principle Buffy thevampire slayer reveals to a group of slayer-trainees, fundamental tounderstandingourvampires,oursituations,andespeciallyourselves.

Hereiswhatshetellsherstudents:

Thebadguysalwaysgowherethepoweris.

Let'sstopforamomentandthinkaboutthat,though.Becauseifit'struethatwe'resosmallandstupidanddependent,andthatourvampiresareallsobigandsmartandpowerful,thenwhyaretheyspendingalltheirway-important,much-better-than-we-aretimewithus,anyway?

Ifthey'resosharpandsophisticatedandsuperior,whydotheykeepknockingonourdoors, especiallywhenwhatwehave tooffer is so completely inferioranddistastefulandobviouslyunsatisfactorytothem?

Frankly,fromthewaytheytalk,you'dthinkthey'dbeashamedtosolicitoursecond-rate invitations, much less lower themselves to feed on such commonbloodasours,right?

Maybeweshouldaskthem:

Say,Iwasjustwondering:sinceI'msuchaloserandweakling,whydon'tyougoandfindsomeonemoreworthytofeedon?

Ohwait,don'ttellme.IthinkIgotit:Coulditbebecausewe'rereallynotjustabunchoflosersandweaklings?Coulditbethatthereasonourvampireskeep

comingbacktofeedonusisbecausewereallyareworthwhile,andinfacthavemuchmorepower thanwe realize? Is it possible thatwhatBuffy says is true,thatthebadguysalwaysgowherethepoweris?Andcoulditbethatifthey'recomingtous,thenwemustbewherethepoweris,too?

Thinkaboutit:Ifwehavethewherewithaltoseewhattheyneedbeforetheyevenhavetoaskforitandtheabilitytosupplythoseneedswithoutsomuchasan ounce of acknowledgment or gratitude in return; and if, on top of that,wealsohave the strength to survive in spiteofbeing isolatedand subject to theirconstant feedingsandhumiliations, thenmaybe it is true.Maybe thebadguysreally dogowhere the power is, andmaybe they're coming to us not becausewe'resopatheticallyweak,butbecausewe'resofantasticallystrong.

It certainlymakesmore sense than any of that nonsense our vampires havebeen trying to hand us about how helpless and pitiful and dependent we'resupposed tobeon them.Like they'dactuallybehangingaround tofeedwherethere'snothinglefttoeat.Please.

Letmetellyousomething:vampiresmaybeweakinmanyways,buttheyaredefinitelynot stupid.Whatweneed to remember is that ifwe'vegot someonefeeding on us and constantly on our case about all the power we supposedlydon't have, it is not because we have no power. That's what they want us tobelieve,ofcourse,butthat'snottherule.Theruleisthatthesebadguysalwaysgowherethepowerissoitnaturallyfollowsthatifoneofthemissolicitingourinvitation,thenwemustbewherethepoweris.

This isn'tpersonal; it's just therules.Andifyouinsistonbelieving,afterallthis, thatyouare still anexception to the rule anddon't haveanypower, thenexcusemeifthissoundsunkind,butitconfirmswhatI'vebeentryingtotellyouall along: you're just another victim of a carefully orchestrated vampire snowjob.

There'sreallynogettingaroundthisone.Avampiresimplycannotfeedwherethere'snothinglefttoeat.

Sothenexttimeourvampirestrytogiveusanotherlineaboutwhatzeroesweare,wecansimplyandsweetlysaytothem(andourselves),

Nowlisten,honeypants,thatisjustabunchofcrap,andwebothknowit.

Becauseweknowwherethepoweris,nomatterwhattheysay.

PLEASE UNDERSTAND THAT I AM NOT ADVOCATING any sort ofvampireparanoia,noramIsuggestingwestartsprinklingholywateroverallourfriendsjusttoplayitsafe.Practicalvampireslayingisnotabouthyper-vigilance,andourinvitationsarecertainlynotbadthings.Onthecontrary:Ourinvitationsprovide uswith the extraordinary ability to usher new ideas, people, services,andagreementsintoourliveseveryday.Inoneformoranother,ourinvitationsgive consent to the possibilities outside our lives to cross our thresholds andcomein.

Itmight be a newmagazine subscriptionwe've invited in or a new carpoolarrangementforourkids;itcouldbearelativeneedingaplacetostay,oranewromance.Maybe it's a new club or religion, a fresh philosophy, or a differentwayoftreatingourselves.Ourinvitationsbringallthesethingsintoourlivesandusuallywithourverybestintentions,too.

Whenweinvitedthat"no-risk"subscriptiontoGettingtheMostPerfectBodyEver magazine in, we probably thought it would help us take better care ofourselves and improve our selfesteem.Whenwe gave the nod to that carpoolwith some of the other grade school parents, we hoped it might improvecommunity relations and save us a little time and money on gas. When weinvitedourbrother-in-lawtostay,itwasoutofsimpleloveandahealthysenseoffamilialresponsibility.Asfarasnewromances,untriedclubsorreligions,andfreshideasabouthowtotakecareofourselvesgo,hey,howexcitingwouldourlivesbeifweneveropenedthedoortoanyofthatstuff?Whenyouthinkaboutit,extendinginvitationsiswhatlifeisreallyallabout.

Butyouknowhowitgoes,sometimesourinvitationsworkoutprettywellforusandsometimestheydon't.Sometimesthenewmagazineisjustthethingweneededtogetmotivated,andothertimesit'samonthlyreminderofourphysicalinadequacies, complete with glossy pictures. Sometimes the car pool invitesexactlythekindofcamaraderie,extratime,andfinancialreliefwewerehopingforintoourlives,andothertimesit justopensthedoortosomescrewyparentwho's always calling us with her emergency situations and special requests.Sometimesthebrother-in-lawweinvitedtostaywithusactuallysaysthankyouandleaveswithinareasonablelengthoftime,andothertimeswe'reluckyifwecanjustgethimoutofthebathroomonceinawhile.That'sthechancewetakewhenwewant to keep our lives interesting, though, because it's often hard toevaluatejustwhoorwhatwe'veinvitedinuntilafterwe'vehadsometimetogetbetteracquaintedwithit.

Whentheresultofourinvitationissomethingprofitableorpleasingtous,it'seasytoadmitweopenedthedoorourselves.

"Yes,"wehumblyconfess,"thosewereourinvitations."

Butwhenwebegin tosuspect thesearevampireswe've invited in,suddenlywe'veneverevenheardofourhumbleinvitations!

"Whatastupidmagazine!"wegrumblewhenitcomes.

"Wheredoesthatwomangethernerve?"wemarvelwhenshecalls.

"When'sheevergoingtogetajobandmoveout?"weregularly(butquietly)groan.

Andaboveall:"Howdidweevergetourselvesmixedupinthis?"wewanttoknow.

Itseemsthatmanyofuswouldratherbeseenashelplessvictims-asniceguys

being taken advantage of by the big, bad vampires than as conscientiousguardiansofourownhomes,keepersofourowngateswiththepowertoextendandrevokeourinvitationsatwill.

Whydoweresistpossessionofthismagnificentpowertotransformourlives?Whatisitwithus,anyway?

Well,onereasonmightbethatwedon'tliketoadmithavingpoorjudgment:Peoplemightthinkwe'restupid.It'slikewe'reafraidthey'llsay,"Whatdoyoumean,you'didn'tknowitwasavampire'whenyouinviteditin?Thefangs,thepaleskin,thatsillyaccentwhatpartofvampiredidn'tyouget?"

After all, they knew thatmagazine offerwas a just anothermarketing tricktheycouldseethatcomingamileaway!Andasforthatwomaninourcarpool,theycouldhavetoldusthatshewasgoingtoturnouttobeapsycho,toohadn'twe heard about her? When it comes to out-of-work brothersin-law needingplacestostay,ithadcertainlybeenobvioustothemthathewouldfastenhimselftoourtoiletseatsforalleternity.Theycouldhavepredictedallofthis.Justhownaivearewe,anyway?

Yeah, that's just what we need when we've got vampire suctioned to ournecks:alecturefromourfriendsonhowstupidwewereforlettingthemclamponinthefirstplace.

But our fear about looking foolish isn't the only good reason we have forkeepingmumaboutourinvitations,becauseiflogictellsusanything,ittellsusthatifweadmitweinvitedourvampiresin,thenwe'llprobablybeexpectedtotakeresponsibilityforthrowingthemout.Andwejusthateitwhenwehavetopullourselvestogetherandtellsomebodytohittheroad.

For one thing, I don't like confrontation. It makes me nervous. And foranother, I'm not even sure what I'm supposed to say. Usually by the time Irecognize it's a vampire I'm dealing with, I'm too angry to speak at all-and IalreadyknowwhatablubberingfoolIbecomeeverytimeItrytotalkwhenI'm

mad:firstIlosecontrolofmylips,thenmymindgoesblankandIcompletelylosetrackoftheimportantpointIwasgoingtomakeinthefirstplace.Let'sfaceit: I'mjustnogoodat tellingpeoplehowIreallyfeel.AndI'mnot thebiggestfanoftellingthemanythingthatmightmakethememotional,either.

Whatiftheygetmadandsaymeanthingstome?Orworse,whatiftheygetmadandsaymeanthingstootherpeopleaboutme,andthenallthosepeoplegetmadatme,too?Therearetimeswhenitjustseemslikeabetterideatoletmyvampirefeedforawhileandthenworksomethingelseoutlater.WhichIwill,soonerorlaterwhenthetimeisright.Anotherday.

Besides, it's only fair: I don't care if the mess the vampire made is in myhouse-it's still the vampire'smess and I'llwalk around it forever to prove I'mright if I have to. Those crooks at that magazine should never have startedchargingmeforwhatwassupposedtobe"ano-riskoffer"inthefirstplace!Thatnutfromthecarpoolshouldhavethecourtesyandcommonsensetostopcallingandexpectingmetofixiteverytimeshehasaproblem!Andthatfreeloaderinmyguestroomshouldhavethedecencyandwherewithaltofindhiswaytothedoorwithoutmyhavingtodrawhimamap!Idon'tseewhyIshouldhavetodoall theworkwhen they're the ones causing all the trouble. Can't these peoplebehavethemselveswithoutmyhavingtotellthemexplainittothem?It'snotmyjob.

For all the trouble they cause, though, these predators can make excellentscapegoats.Therightvampirecansupplyuswithaperfectalibiforbeinglate,being tired, being broke, disengaged, nervous or upset, or just all-aroundunmanageable.Ifwe'redoingsomethinginalessthanperfectmanner,youcanjustaboutbetit'sourvampires'fault.Andmorethanthat,ourvampireshavegotussostressedoutthatwejusthaveto:

(Checkapplicableboxes)

"Please,"wetellourfriends,"Getoffmybackaboutmy(temper,overeating,smoking)viceof theweek!Isn't itplaintoseethat this(unwantedhouseguest,annoyingacquaintance,unfairdebt)vampireoftheweekhasgotmestressedoutand I can't possibly be expected to behave responsibly right now?Giveme abreak!"wetellthem.

Youhavetoadmit:thesebloodsuckerscancomeinprettyhandywhenwefeeltheneedtomisbehaveandputtheblameonsomeoneelse.Andaswediscussedearlier,ifweadmittoinvitingourvampireinthispersonwho'ssupposedlyattheroot of all our stress and unmanageability-then we'll probably be expected toshowthemthedoor,won'twe?Andthethingis,well,maybesomeofusaren'tquitereadytodothatyet.

Whichisokay.Nomatterwhatthereason,it'sabsolutelyfine.Wedon'thavetobe ready to take responsibility forour invitations right thisminute.Nobodysayswehavetoanythingtoday.

However.

There'stheoldsayingthatifyou'renotpartofthesolution,you'repartoftheproblem.I'dliketoofferaslightlydifferentversionIthinkfitsreallywellhere:

IfI'mnotapartoftheproblem,thenthereisnosolution.

Getit?Like,ifthismessyou'reinisn'tatleastpartlytheresultofsomethingyou'vedone,thenthereisnothingyoucanundotofixthings.Eitheryou'reinthegameoryou'renot.But ifyou'renot, ifyoureallyareavictimandtrulynotapartoftheproblem,thenheavenhelpyou,becausethatmeansyoucan'tbeapartofthesolution,either.

Ifyouhavethepowertobringamagazinesubscriptionintomylife,thenyoualso have the power to cancel it. If you have the power to invite some otherparenttopushpastreasonableboundaries,thenyouhavethepowertopushherback.And ifyouhave thepower to invite a too-needy relative intomyhome,thenyouhavethepowertotellthemtoleave,too.

I have a very important Watcher in my life, and her name is Jennifer. Shewatches over all kinds of things inmy life, butmore than anything else, shewatchesovermywriting.Sheaskedmenotlongagojustwhatwassupposedtobesogreatabouttakingresponsibilityforourinvitations."Youkeepsayinghowimportant it is,"shepressed,"butI'mstillnotsurewhy.What's in it forme?"shewantedtoknow.

Myanswer toherhad todowith the connectionbetween responsibility andpower and about how, ifwe do not take responsibility for our invitations,wehavenopower.Itoldherallthegoodreasonswemighthavefornotwantingtoacceptourresponsibilityandpower,andthenItoldherabouttheonethingthatcannevercometouswithoutthem,whichisguardianshipofourownlives.

Thisbringsusto:

Rule#11:Asguardiansofourownlives,bothourinvitation-extendingandinvitation-revokingpowersareexclusive.Nobodybutusgetstosaywhoorwhatcomesinorisrequiredtoleave.

Itremindsmeofaphrasethatmanyofourparentsusedtoemployasasortoftiebreaker when we were teenagers and our power struggles with themthreatenedtogoonforever,towit:

"Thisismyhouseandwegobymyrules."

Rememberthatone?Well,that'sthewayitisforslayers,tooexceptwhenspeakingofourselvesinamoreliteralsensewewouldactuallysay:

"Thisismylife,andmychoiceabouthowtoliveit."

I know it can be hard to remember at times, especiallywhen our vampires

havebeenfeedingonusforalongtime.It'salmostasifourlifeenergyisbeingdrainedintoabeliefthat,

"Mylifebelongstothevampire.Ionlyworkhere."

Andthat'salie.

Ihavebeengrantedthegiftoflife.Ihavealsobeengrantedthegiftoffreewill.

Sohaveyou.

Talkaboutagooddeal.

I thinktherearetimeswhenweforgetthatthesegiftsbelongtouswhenwetakethemforgrantedandsurrenderthemtoourvampires.WhenIlookbackonmy history, that's exactly what I see them feeding on. It made no differencewhether the vampire was a manipulative boyfriend or a difficult employer, arelativewhowasgivingmeahardtimeorafriendwhowasstretchingthelimitsofmy hospitality. It didn'tmatterwhether itwasmy alcoholism or just somemean-talkingClaudiaCriticthatlivedinsidemymind.Theyallfedonthesametwo things: they took time from my life and they prevented me from doingwhateverelseitwasthatIwantedtobedoing,whichmeanstheytookmyfreewill,too.

Whenyougetrightdowntoit,thereareonlytwothingsonthemenuasfarasourvampiresareconcerned:our livesandourwill abouthowwewant to livethem.Theycandressthemselvesuptomakeitlooklikethey'resolicitingforamillionotherthingsand"shapeshifting"isoneofthethingsvampiresdobest,sothey're pretty good at disguising their true appetites but when you reach thebottomline,thosearethetwothey'reafter.Andtheyjusthappentobethemostpreciousthingsanyofushave.

Nowonderthey'resosoughtafter!

No matter how we try to tell ourselves that it's okay to be hosting ourvampiresorthatit'snobigdeal,thatweshouldmakeallowancesforthemorthatfeeding themisourduty, there'salwaysgoing tobeapartofus that's justnotgoingtobuyit.Thereisalwaysgoingtobeapartofusthat'sseriouslyupset,a

part that tells us it is not okay to give our precious lives away, and that, nomatterwhatwethinkorhowintimidatedwemaybe,turningourfreewillovertoabunchofstarvedandrelentlessvampiresisnotagoodidea.

Our ability to feel when something isn't good for us is a gift from ourDesigner, engineered and installed towork perfectly on our behalf and to ouradvantage.Wearenotdesignedtoturnoveroursacredgiftsoflifeandfreewilltovampiresthat'snotwhatthey'remadefor.Theyaremadetothriveinlightandfreedomandespeciallyinlove.Thereasonitdoesn'tfeelgoodforustogiveourwill and our lives over to the service of vampires is that it's not good for us.Whenourspiritfindsitselfwastingawayunderthedarkthrallandbitternessofavampire, there's a part of us inside that's there to let us know about it.We'vealreadytalkedabout thewayitcommunicates:about thosefeelingsoffearandloneliness, of doubt, envy, and guilt, of resentment and sadness, and ofinvisibilityanddespairweget.Ifwe'vemadealistofwho'sbeenfeedingonusandhowthosewoundsfeel,we'vedemonstratedtoourselvesthatthosewarningsarerealandworthyofourattention.

Thereisapart insideofeachofusthatcommunicateswithourGodtheoneeach of us understands personally. Just aswe havemany names andways ofunderstandingGod,wealsowehavemanynamesandwaysofunderstandingthepartofus that connectswithourGod.Somecall that connection"conscience"andotherscallit"intuition,"butforourpurposesandifyoudon'tmind,Ithinkwecansimplyrefertoitas"theSlayer."Theslayeristheoneinsideeachofuswhose job it is to communicate to us on behalf of our personal God thedifference between right and wrong, between freedom and captivity, betweenloveandfear,andbetweengenuinecharityandsimplyindulgingavampire.It'sthepartthat'salwaysbeenthere,evenwhenwe'vetriedtoburyit,hidefromit,orreplaceitwithsomethingelse.

AboutLove

I smoked cigarettes for twenty-five years, and not just a few, either. I lovedsmokingandeverythingabout it-thehigh it gaveme, the ritual it entailed, the

diversion it supplied, the fire I could playwith, the smell of it in the air, andeventuallyeventheprivacyitforcedmetohavewhenIcouldnolongersmokeindoors.WhenIbecamepregnantwithmydaughterMadeline,Iseriouslytriedtoquitfortheveryfirsttime.AndIalmostsucceeded,exceptforthatoneortwoadayIsmokedattheendofmypregnancy.

WhenIpackedtogotothehospitalforherbirth,Istuckmylasttwocigarettesintomybackpack,justincaseIneededthem.Adayortwoaftershewasborn,Ipulledacigaretteandlighteroutofmybag,andthenwobbledoutsidetosmokeitwith one of the nurses on duty that day.When I came back intomy room,Madelinewas allwrappedup in a stripedblanketwithoneof those little hatsthey give newborns on her head, and I wanted to pick her up but realized Icouldn't.Thestenchandpoisonofcigaretteswasalloverme,onmyhands, inmy sinuses: all over, and everything about bringing that in contact with thissweetnewwonderinmylifefeltwrongtome.

Iwentintothebathroom,washedmyhandsandface,brushedmyteeth,andneversmokedagainbutI'lltellyousomething:itwasreallyhard.WhenshewasninemonthsoldIstillwantedtosmokesobadlythatIwentandboughtapack-exceptIneveropenedit.AsmuchasI'dwantedtosmoke,Ijustcouldn'tbringmyself todo it, and tome, that's aprettygooddemonstrationof thepowerofloveandhowitworks.

I know how love felt when I watched my newborn daughter sleeping, andthere'snothingsappyorsentimentalaboutit:itdoesn'tmakemewanttocryorsingoranyof thatHollywoodstuff.What love like thatdoes is sockmerightintothepresent,withbothfeetonthegroundwhereIknowthetruth.Lovegivesmethepowertomovethethingthatisweighingmedownandchokingthelifeoutofmeoutofmyway,andmakesmefreeofit-butIwon'tpretendtoyouthatitmakesiteasy,becauseitdoesn't.Whatitdoes,though,isgentlytransformthattaskfrombeingimpossibletopossible-powerenoughforthisslayer.

As slayers,we don'twaste our timewith imitations. The kind of powerwerequiremustbebothavailableandpersonal,andweshouldn'thavetolooktoo

far to find it, either. This power, as the book Alcoholics Anonymous soimpeccablyexpressesit,is

"...apartofourmakeup,justasmuchasthefeelingwehaveforafriend."

Ittookmejustaboutforevertofigurethatlineoutafterreadingit.Ithoughtforsolongthatthepowerhadtobesomethingtrickyorcomplicated,butit'snot.ThefeelingIhaveforafriendis,ofcourse,love.Anditisapartofmymakeup.

That'sthekindofpowerwe'llhavetofindifwehopetoslayourvampiresinanyrealorlastingsense:thekindofpowerthatmakesfreedomhappen;thekindofpowerthatadmitslightandtruth.Asamatteroffact,thispowerislightandtruth.

Ibelievethis,andthemoretimeIspendslayingvampiresandworkingwithothers to slay theirs, the surermy belief becomes. There are times I've heardpeoplerefertotheirGodasonethat"hitsthemwithatwo-by-four"togettheirattention,andIcan'tsay that I'vefound thatkindofpictureofGod tobeveryhelpful to me. The power we're looking for is here to help us: it won't bepunishingusanditsureasheckwon'tbehittinguswithatwo-by-foureither...that'snotitsstyle.

Itsguidancecomesfromthepurestlovethat'sinsideandallaroundus,anditwon'tpunishustogetusmoving.Itsimplytriestoremindusbycommunicationthrough our inner slayer and in feelings proportionate to the danger thatsurrendering our precious lives to vampires whose appetites will never besatisfiedisnotwhatwecameheretodo.

Andweknowit.

Ifwedon'tfeelreadytorevokeourinvitations,wedon'thavetoworryaboutwhetherwe'restill lovedornot,because thatmuchat least shouldbeobvious.ThewarningsourGodsendsusshouldbeproofenoughofthatlove,andclearlydemonstrate,thatIt'snotabouttogiveupandleaveusjustbecausewe'reslowtoget themessage or too scared to proceed right away. It's going to keep those

warningscomingnomatterwhatwethink,becausethat'swhatit'smadetodo,anddoperfectly,too,Imightadd.

Ibelievemostofushavealwaysknownwe'vehadaconnectiontothispowerinsideus.Howcouldanyofussurvive,muchlessexercisefreewill,withoutit?Somethinginsidemakesusmove-whichispower.Andanothersomethinginsidesuggestswemovethiswayratherthanthatwhichisguidance.

As slayers, we want to connect the two-so our power to move will be inalignmentwith thepartofus thatactuallyknowswhich is thebestway togo,andwhenthatstartstohappen,thingscertainlyseemtohaveawayofmakingalotmoresense.Webegintofeellikewebelonghere,andthatourlivesreallydohavemeaningafterall.

Which sounds just a whole lot more practical than feeding a bunch ofvampiresdoesanyday.

AsktheSlayer

DENIALANDTHEHELPFULNEIGHBOR

DearPVS,

Ihaveaneighborwhodropsoverwithoutwarningatleastfivetimesaweek.ShepokesaroundandmakessuggestionsaboutthecurtainsshethinksIneed,orthewayIshoulddomyhair,andlatelyshe'seventriedtogivememaritaladvice!It'sembarrassingbutItrytobepatientbecauseIthinkshe'slonelyandwantstomakemylifebetterbutholy-schmoely,she'sreallystartingtogetonmynerves.

Signed,

Bugged

DearBugged,

I'vealwayslovedthatsceneinTheDeerHunterwhereRobertDeNirotriestoexplaintoanuncomprehendingJohnCazalethatthebulletinhishandreallyisthebulletinhishand,andnotsomethingelse.Sittingonthehoodofthatbeat-upCadillac,heholdsthebulletup,pointstoitandangrilydeclares:

"Thisisthis.Thisain'tsomethingelse.Thisisthis."

Therearelotsofwaystotalkabouttheproblemofdenial,buthisiscertainlyoneofmyfavorites.Itspeakstotheuncomfortablefirststepwemusttakeasslayers,whereweadmittoourselvesthatourvampiresreallyarevampires,andnotsomethingelse.

Thatintrudingandadvice-givingneighborwhocannevertakeahinttoleaveisnot'justlonelyandtryingtohelp."She'savampire,andshe'sfeedingonme.

ThatisolatingandcriticalspousewhoisneversatisfiednomatterwhatIdoisnot'justalonerandtellingitlikeitis."He'savampire,andhe'sfeedingonme.

Denialreallyisourvampires'bestfriend,whichmeansmyadvicetoyou,sweetheart,sinceyou'reasking,istowakeupandsmellthevampire.

PVS

THATGRANDOLDWATCHERVANHELSINGHIMSELFoncewarnedusthat:"Thestrengthofthevampireisthatpeoplewillnotbelieveinhim,"andformy part, I think he was right. Denial is a miraculously powerful ally to ourvampires,because,let'sfaceit,there'snothinglikehavingahostlooktheotherwaytogiveavampirefreereinovertheirlives.

Therearetwomaincategoriesofdenialthatwepracticemostoften.Theyare

1.ourflat-outrefusaltoacknowledgethepresenceofavampirewhenit'sfeedingonus,evenwhenit'sdanglingfromournecksforalltosee;

2.ourstubborninsistencethatevenifitisavampirehangingtherebyitsfangsit'sreallynotasbadasitlooks.

Let'sbeginwiththatfirstcategory:thisremarkableabilitywehavetolookavampirestraightintheeyeandstillnotseeit.VanHelsingwasright:ourdenialisthevampire'sgreateststrength,butthat'snotallitis.Ibelieveitisalsoagreatsource of comfort to our vampires this abilitywe have to deny not only theirexistence, but also the existence of practically anything elsewe don'twant tosee.Allthatexerciseindenial,andthistrainingwedoaswepushasidefirstthisfactandthentheother,keepsusfitandready,sowhenthemomentarrivesforustodenyanyevidenceofthevampiresinourlives,we'reinnear-Olympicshapetohandleit.

Thanks to lifetimes of dedicated training and practice, it's almost never tooearlyinthedayforustodisposeofanyfactthatwe'djustassoondowithout.

Hereareafewexamplesofthekindsofthingswedenythatoccurinthefirst...oh,maybe90minutesofanaverageworkday:

•Denialofthefactthatitreallyistimetogetupwhenthealarmclockgoesoff:wefallbacktosleepandconsequentlyhavetorushtogetreadywhichinturnmakesusbitetheheadoffofanyonewhohappenstobeusingthestove(theyweretherefirst)whilewe'rehurryingtogetourcoffee

•Denialofanyfactourbathroomscalehastotellusaboutourweightunlessbysomeamazingchanceit'sactuallysomethingwewanttohear

•Denialthattheguydrivinginfrontofusisnotsomuchaslowdriveraswearejustverylateforworkandaresimplyperceivinghimtobeslow.

•Denial of the fact thatwhenwe pass him at 85miles an hour,we areputtingplentyofotherpeoplechildrenwe'venevermetandtheirparentsincluded-indangerbesidesourselves

But that's just the beginning, and these are, comparatively speaking, reallyonlythe"little"denials.Hereareafewofthetougher,24-hour-a-daytype:

•Thefactthatoursmokingishurtingnotonlyus,buteveryonearoundusespeciallyourkids

•Thefactthatifwedon'tstarteatingrightandexercising,wereallyaregoingtofeelrottenwhenwe'reolder...ifwelivethatlong

•Thefact thatwehavealcoholismorotheraddictions thatarestealingourlivesandourlovedones'too

•Thefactthatthereissomethingelse-somethingonlyweknowabout,asecretwe'vekeptforyears,perhapsandit'seatingusalive

•Thefactthatwecontinuetobeinrelationshipwithandfeedpartners,friends,employers,neighbors,andbeliefsthatarevampirestous,andthe

clockkeepsticking,meaningthatifwedon'tgetslayinghereprettysoon,they'regoingtogetawaywithstealingtherestofourlives,too

I mentioned the second category of denial earlier the one where weacknowledge thepresenceofavampire inour lives,butkeep tellingourselvesit'snotreallythatbadandthisisonethatscaresme,becauseitdoesthekindofdamagetous(andworse,toourlovedones)that'ssoeasytomiss.

I'mtalkingaboutthelittlethingsIgetfuriousabouteveryday,likemaybethewaymyfamilythrowsalltheirstuffonthecounterIjustclearedoffandmadebeautifulassoonastheywalkthroughthedoor.OritmightbethefriendIhavewhojustassumesmytime,myhome,andevenmybelongingsaretheirstousewithoutasking.There'smydaughter'smessyroomthatI'vetoldherathousandtimes tocleanbeforeshe leaves thehouse.Or itcouldbe thebeautifulandbythatImeangorgeous-dinnersImakeaboutfournightsaweekthatnooneevenbotherstocometothetableontimetoeat.

You know this stuff: it's so small and insignificant that we don't want tomentionitandthere'snoneedtobother,right?Thestuffthat'snotsobad.Canyouthinkofonethatgetsyoueveryday?BecausenowI'dliketopointoutthedangersofswallowingtheseresentmentsback.

To beginwith, I keep them secret. I refuse to explain to anyonewhy theselittle things theydodrivemenuts,andwhenIdon'tscreamoreventalkaboutwhat'sbotheringme,thenIinevitablyscreamortalkaboutwhat'snotbotheringmeinstead.Ibeginmisrepresentingmyself,which

1.makesthepeoplearoundmethinkI'mcrazy,becausethestuffIendupscreamingandcomplainingaboutisusuallyNOTHING,and;

2.makespeoplearoundmetrytohelpfixallthewrongstuffsoIwon'tgetupset.Afterall,whenI'mmadaboutthedinnerbutcomplainabouthowannoyingtheshowonTVis,allmylovedoneslearntodoisturntheTVoffwhenI'maround.

3.Thenthere'stheproblemofpeoplenotevenknowingwhoIreallyam

3.Thenthere'stheproblemofpeoplenotevenknowingwhoIreallyambecauseIkeepdenyingthetruthaboutmythoughtsandfeelings.Plus;

4.Ihurteverybody'sfeelingsbybeingsuchanunpredictablegrouchwhichservesnogoodpurposeanyway,since;

5. itdoesnothingtogetridofthevampiresthataremakingmecrazyinthefirstplace.

There aremanyperfectly appropriate anduseful times for us to employouraptitudefordenial,especiallysinceweallhaveexperiencesthatwecannotandshould not absorb fully or immediately. But these little things? Thesewill dobetterout in the light,where theymakeat leasta littlemoresense,andwhereeveryonecanseethem.

Youmayormaynotknowthis,butavampire'snighttimevisionis20/20.That'snotexactlyasmuchamythological"rule"asit isa"fact,"andonewewanttokeepinmindforacoupleofverygoodreasons.

The first and most important is that when we try to deny things aboutourselvesthatwemightbeashamedofbypushingthemawayandintothedark,wemaynotbeabletoseethem,butourvampiressurelycan.Soifwe'retryingtodenyanyless-than-nobleinclinationswemighthave,likedishonestyorgreedorpettinessor the thingsweareashamedof, like inattentiontoourhealth,ouraddictions,anyothersecretswe'reholdingonto-andpushingthosethingsinthedarkwherewedon'thavetolookatthem,justremember:ourvampirescanseethemwithperfectclarity,evenifwecan't.Soif, for instance,werefusetoseethe truth about an addiction we have, our vampires-being able to see clearlywherewe'veshovedthetruthintothedarkcanusethatthingwe'readdictedtoinsuch a way as to manipulate or control us. And we wonder how they canpossiblyknowoursecretsandpreciselyhowtohurtus!

The second reason is a bit more obvious, and it's simply that we're notdesigned toseewell in thedark,whichmakes it justabout theworstplacewecangorushingofftowithoutlightandareallygoodplan.Moralhere:Weneverattempttoslay,revokeaninvitationto,orevenconfrontavampirewhenwe'reupset and unprepared, because it means we're acting on impulse, and sure towindupinabadneighborhood.

Unfortunately,thisisexactlywhatsomanyofusdo:wegorunningheadlonginto thedarkwhenwe're angry, foolingourselves into thinkingour angerwillprotectusandgiveuspower-whichitwillnot.Runningthiswayisoneof themostefficientwaysforus toget lostandendupin troublewithourvampires.Byboltingafterourvampiresinarageandendingupintheirpartoftown,intotheir"MotherNight,"they'reabletowatchusfromshadowycorners,filingtheirnailsandmakingnoteofourweaknesses.

Another advantage they gain by our denial is the time they buy. Just likeheroesinanyothervampirestory,wetoocanwastealotoftimehopingthesemonstersturnouttobesomething-anything-otherthanwhattheyreallyare.Justlikeinthemovies,astheheroeswatchpeoplearoundthemeitherdieorbecomevampiresandstillinsisttheremustbeanotherexplanation,wetoo,insistthatourvampirescannotbe real: thatourcoughsare fromcoldsandnotsmoking; thatour fatigue and tight clothes are not lack of exercise and overeating, but atemporaryconditionfromwhichwewillmagicallybounceback.Wetooinsistthatourabuserisnotcruelbutonlymisunderstood,andthatoursecretswillhurtus more if they are let out than they will if we keep them hidden.We'll doanythingtokeepfromcallingourvampiresbytheirtruenamesandseeingthemforwhattheyreallyare.Asifdenyingthetruthwillchangeit.

Myalcoholismwasa lot like that: itwasadiseaseIneededhelpwith,butIdidn't want to call it that.What I did want to call it, though, was practicallyanythingelse.Amentalillness?All-righty.Anutritionalimbalance?Okaywithme.Aweakwill?Ifyousayso.Howaboutashortageofspiritualityoralackofself-knowledge?Fineanddandy.

AsfarasIwasconcerned,youcouldcallitwhateveryouwanted,justaslongasyoudidn'tcallitwhatitreallywas:adiseasethatIdidnothavethepowertotreat bymyself, anymore than Iwould havehad the power to treat cancer ordiabetes bymyself. Iwas sowholly enthralled bymy alcoholism that I couldonly admit the truth to myself after I'd gotten so sick and utterly lost that Icouldn'tmusterupevenonemoreounceofdenialaboutit.Itwasn'tuntilIwasthatexhausted,withnocardslefttoplay,thatIwasfinallyreadytoadmittothedeepestandstillestpartofmyself,"Igiveup:IknowIcan'tbeatitaloneandI'mdone trying to keep it inmy life by pretending it's something else that I willsomedaymagicallyfix.Idon'tknowwhatI'mgoingtodoaboutityet-allIknowisI'mdone."

Ontheotherhand,IthinkthatifI'dhadeventhetiniestbitoffightleftinmeatall,I'dhavekeptrightonswinginganddoyouwanttoknowwhy?

Becauseit'ssomucheasiertodothatthantoadmitsomethingasfrighteningasourownvampirereallydoesexist.

WhenIadmitI'minthethrallofavampire,itmeansI'malsoadmittingtheyexistexactlyastheyare,andnotassomethingelse.They'renotsomethingthat'seasierformetohandleorthatImightstillbeabletomanagesomehow.Andthisiswhereitgetspersonal,becausethetruthisthatyou'vegotyourvampiresandI've got mine, and one of the things that define them as vampires for uspersonallyisthefactthatwecannotmanagethem.

Alcoholmightnotbeavampiretoyoutoyouitmightbesomethingyoucanmanageandneverthoughttwiceaboutinyourlife-buttome,it'savampire,andformetoadmitmyrelationshipwithitisexactlyasitisandnotsomethingelseisadmittingthatIcannotmanageit.

Let'ssayforyou, though, thevampire isashoppingaddictionoranabusivespouse. One way you can identify it as a problem is by noticing how muchenergyyouputintodenyingthefactthatit'shurtingyouandhowhardyoufighttomaintain control of it so that you can keep it in your life-even though it'stearing your life apart. That's a pretty strong clue that you're dealing with avampire:when it's hurtingyou that badly andyou fight as hard as you can tokeep it in your life anyway. And let me tell you, if it were an allergy tostrawberriesweweretalkingaboutthatwasruiningyourlife,Ibetyou'dhavenotroubleatalladmittingthatyoucouldn'tmanagetheeffecttheyhadonyouandrevokeyourinvitationtothem,wouldyou?Butavampireissomethingwefighttokeep.Andhowdowefighttokeepit?Withdenial,that'show.

There are lots of things I canmanage in this life, butmanaging somethingthat'savampiretome?Notonlycan'tImanageit,Ican'tevenstopmyselffromcontinuingtotrymanagingit.Ican'tevictitwithoutlightorwithouthelp.Ican'tgetridofitalone,andashardasI'vetriedtoteachmyselfhowtocontrolitinthedarkwherenooneelsecanseeme,Ijustcan'tdoit.Ihavetocomeintothelight.Ihavetohavehelp.

The trouble with getting help out of our vampire's thrall is that it usuallymeanshavingtodothingswe'renotthatcrazyabouttheprospectofdoing,andtakingstepswe'renotthathotontheprospectoftaking.Itusuallymeanswe'regoing to have to live by some rules that we never had anything to do withcreating, thatwe're going to have to take somemedicinewe neverwanted totake.Worstofall,we'regoing tohave tofacesomefearsabout livingwithoutourvampiresweneverwantedtoface.

Nomatterhowawfulourvampiresare,sometimesthevampireweknowcanstillseemeasiertodealwiththanafuturewedon't.

That'swhatIthinkI'mdoingwhenIdenyallmyothervampires,too:thatI'msomehowsavingmyselfthetrouble(andtheterror)offacingthetruthandallofits unknown consequences. Although I can certainly see why it might seemeasiertodothat,Ialsothinkit'sworthstoppingtoanalyzeforjustasecond.

Think about it:Where does the truth gowhenwedeny it, anyway?Does itsimplyclearoutofthewayandneverbotherusagain?

Iguessitmightbenicetopretendthat thetruthgoesquietlyawaylikethat-that it bends meekly to our will and disappears into the dark forever. Butpersonally,Idon'tthinkthetruthtakesrejectionanybetterthanIdo.

Rejectiondoesn'tfeelverygood.You'veprobablybeengiventheopportunityto find that out at some point in your life. I know I have. I've had enoughexperiencewithbeing ignored,dismissed,andpushedaside toknowmyusualresponsetoit,andI'lltellyouwhat:Imaybeaninconsolablepuddleofslopfora little while, but sooner or later, I start to get mad. My forehead starts towrinkle,myfingers tense into littlehooks,mynailsgetall longanddirty,andbeforeIknowwhat'shappening, thesefangscomeslippingoutfromundermyupperlip.

Draculaatthehelm.Vampireincharge.

I think that thewell-intentioned facts about our liveswe choose to deny or

rejectrespondinexactlythesameway;theybecomevampireswhosethirstforrevenge is unquenchable. They feed on the living and their need foracknowledgmentneverdieswhich,Isuppose,iswhywecallthem"undead"inthefirstplace.

Ibelievewhenwedenythecompassionateandwell-meaningtruth-despiteourbesteffortstokillititremainsundeadandbecomesinasensereborn,oftenasanunrelentingandmercilessvampirewhowilldoanything,apparently,togetourattention.

Vampiresdon'tcomeoutofnowhere.Theyonlyseemto,whichisoneofthethings thatmake theirappearance inour lives so frightening.Oftenwhen theyshowup,itfeelslikeasurpriseattackorambush...although,ascreaturesofthenighttheycanhardlyhelpcomingatusfromthedark.Imean,whenyouthinkaboutit,howmuchchoicedotheyreallyhave?

Andnot tobe, like,overlysympatheticwiththemoranything,IhavetosaythatthatIdon'tthinkallvampiresarenecessarily"bornbad,"either.Notmostofthem,anyway.

It'slikeinthemovieBramStoker'sDracula.Inthebeginning,theyshowusthatDraculawasn'talwaysavampire.Hedidn'tcomeoutofthewombthatway.Noindeed.

Asthestoryopens,weseethathewasonceayoungRomanianknight,onhisway towar against theMuslimTurks.At first sight, he is a handsome youngsoldier bidding a passionate farewell to his enchantingwife, Elizabetawhom,ournarratortellsus,heprizesaboveallthings.Astheysaytheirgoodbyes,wearewarnedthathemightneverreturn.

That'swarforyou.

Nextscene:Thebattlefield,wherethedirectorshowsuswhatmightbejustabitmorethanwecaretoseeofDracula'sfairlyrepulsivevictoryovertheTurks.There'slotsofvivid(andperhapsunnecessary)impalinggoingoninthisscene,alongwith lots of bloodcurdling (and surely necessary) cries of anguish to goalongwithit.

When thebattleendsandDraculahaswon,he falls tohiskneesand thanksGod forhisvictory.Then, sensing thecallofbelovedElizabeta,hebegins thelongjourneybackhome.But...

The Turks prove themselves to be both sore and clever losers: intent onwinning a brutal game of gotcha last, they send a falsemessage to Elizabetawhich claimsDraculahasdied inbattle, and,predictablyoverwhelmedbyhergrief,shedivesfromthecastlewindowandtoherdeathintheriverbelow.

ScoreonefortheTurks.

AsDraculaentersthecastle,hediscovershisbeautifulyoungwifelyingdeadat the foot of an altar. A suicide note lays on her chest, explaining how she-unabletobearherseparationfromhiminthislife-haskilledherselfinorderto

meet with him in the next. Also on the scene, however, is a small group ofclerics,oneofwhomoffersDraculawhat isdoubtless themostappallingly ill-timedpieceofintelligenceI'veeverheard.HetellsDraculaifyoucanbelieveit-thatthere'snowayhe'llbemeetingElizabetainheaven,sinceshehascommittedsuicideandisthereforedamnedtohell.

Honestly. He couldn't put a hold on that news for just one minute? PoorDracula is now so enraged that he looks to the heavens, renounces God,promisestorisefromhisowndeathtoavengeElizabeta's,andthenvowstouseallthepowersofdarknesstodoit,too.It'sarealmess.

Butthere'samoraltothisstory,andhereitis:

Tocreateavampire,allyouneeddoisseparateapersonfromlove.

TheTurksknewit.Theyknew,ifyoureallywanttohurtaguy,youcanforgetaboutknives,swords,andimpalingsticks.Theyknewthatifyoureallywanttodestroysomeone,allyouneed todo is takeaway the thing they lovemost thething thathelps themmakesenseof their lives.You takeaway thepower thatmovesthemfromonetasktothenext:youtakeawaytheirlove.

It's so simple because when you remove love from somebody's life, youpresent that person with the best reason they will ever find to separatethemselvesfromwhateverGodtheydependon.Whenyoutakeoutthepersonorpeople they share their deepest love with, you've got a pretty good shot attemptingthemtoabandontheirlovingsourceofpoweraltogether.

Ionceheardsomeonedefinehellas"aseparationfromGod,"andthatmadealotofsensetome.Ithinkit'spossibleforustogetsohurt,particularlyifwelosewhatweloveandcherishmost,thatwejustsortofgo:"Forgetit;thislifeisjusttoopainfulformenow.ThepartofmethattrustedtheBigPictureorthePlan,theHigherPowerorGod,theUniverseortheCreator-whateveryouwanttocallitisgone.Idon'ttrustGodandIdon'ttrustlifeanymore,either."

Andthenwesplit,sotospeak.

Thepartofus that leavesourGodnaturallygoes into thedark,allby itself,andplotsitsrevenge.Itiscoldandaloneandloveless,andwantsnothingmorethantogobackwhereitiswarmandpopulatedandfulloflove,andreallymessthatplaceand its inhabitantsup,butgood. Just like the truthwesendpackingaboutourownvampireseverytimewedenytheirexistence:whetherthattruthisaboutourweightproblems,ourmarriageproblems,ouraddictions,orjustsomeneighborwho'sdrivingusnutsandwedon'twanttoadmitit.Ifit'sthetruth,itdoesn'tliketobeseparatedfromusordeniedeither.Justlikeus,itdoesnotwishto be discarded-or evenworse, abandoned-not by us or byGod or by anyoneelse.Nothingwantstoliveinexile.

Vampiresareborneverydayeveryminute,infactanditdoesn'tjusthappen"out there." There are plenty of them born right inside of us: the parts ofourselvesthatgetdrivenintothedarkfortellingusatruthwedon'twanttohear,orforpointingoutarealitywecannotbeartosee.

"Listen,"wesay,"Ijustcan'tdealwithyouatthemoment.YouarewaymoreinformationthanIcanprocess,andIwantyououtofhere.Now."Andoffthatpartofusgoes,castoutintothedarkness,totheLairoftheUndead.

Only that part of us doesn't die, of course. And since its death is bothincompleteandpremature,itissimplynotdone.Itcannotstayburiednorcanitsurvive in the light. Like a sulking and angry ghost, it lives neither here northere.

Nowonderwecallthem"theundead."Andnowondertheykeeplookingforinvitationstogetbackin.Ihavenodoubtthattheyonlywishtocompletewhattheystartedandthendiepeacefully,justliketherestofus,onceandforall.

Notetovampires:Helpisontheway,fellas.We'recomingtogetyou.

THEREISASETOFWEAPONSESSENTIALtoallvampireencountersandwithwhich all slayersmust become adept.Aswe train ourselves to use theseweapons and begin to comprehend their power and reliability, we willexperienceourfirstrealtasteofwhatitistobeaslayer.Wewillbegintodetectaninnerstrengthandsurefootednessthatwe'velongsinceforgottenorperhapsnever even knew we possessed. With determination and practice, we willdiscover the cool and capable slayer within each of us one from whomstraightforwardandpreciserevocationsflowsmoothly;onewhoseslayingsareperformedwithconfidenceandresolve.

Herearetheweapons:

•clarity

•humility

•light

•Watchers

Also,IthinkI'lljustgoaheadandsaythisrightnow:Ifthere'sanyoneouttherethinkingoftryingtogointobattlewithouttheseweapons,Isuggesttheyloosentheir collars, lift their chins, andprepare for anice, long, lingeringdrink fromtheirvampires.

Successfulvampireslayersdon't justcross theirfingers,goskippingoff intothedarkallbythemselves,andhopetoskewertheirvampireswiththefirststickthey can find. Slayers whomean business stay in the light. They knowwho,what, and where their vampires are, and arm themselves with meticulously

carvedstakesthey'velearnedexactlyhowtouse.

Slayers whose revocations are acknowledged and taken seriously don't gocharging into their vampire's lair and hope they'll be able to improvise aneffective revocation once they get there. They understand the importance ofthoughtful composition and exact timing, and have been taught to meet theirvampireswithrevocationsthatarehonest,clear,andprecise.

Awareness of what we're doing and why we're doing it is fundamental topracticalvampireslaying.Unlesswe'rereadytotakeanhonestlookatwhoweare andwhatwe'rewilling to do to be free of our vampires, our effortswon'tamount tomuchmore thandress-upandplayacting,swaggerandpretense-finefor people who don't care how silly they look or ineffective they are, butpreposterous forseriousvampireslayers.Forus,all that theatre is justanotherwayofstayingintheproblemandinthedark.Forus,theimportanceofgettingoutofthatdarknessandintothelightcannotbeoverstated.

Ratherthanimpulsivelyrunningintocombatwithourvampires,shakingourfists and saying a lot of things we'll doubtless be sorry for later on, we, aseffective slayers, instead prepare for battle by calmly and respectfully askingourselves

'AmIreallythroughwiththisvampire,oramIjustwavingastickaroundandmakingthreats?"

I've done so much of that in my life: threatening to give up the booze,threateningtogiveupthecrummyrelationships,threateningtogiveupthelousyeatinghabits, the crappy jobs. I've stompedout and slammed thedooron thatstuffamilliontimes,Ibet,onlytocomesneakingbackinlatertosnugglewiththebottle,theguy,thefood,theemployer,whateveritwas.Justthetwoofus,allcozy-schmozytogetheragain.

Sweet,butnotveryproductive,right?Thesecondallthatsweetnessworeoff,allthesameoldfears,resentments,andproblemswouldreturn,andthereI'dbe,

rightbackwhereI'dstarted.Allthatdoorslammingandwalkingoutneverreallychanged anything forme, unlessyouwant to counthow it helped towearmedown in a kind of "straw-that-broke-the-camel's-back" sense. The sheermonotonyanduselessnessofthoseperformancesmighthaveplayedapartinmygetting ready tochange-but as far asmyactuallybeing ready tochange?Thatwassomethingelse.

WhenIwasthirty-sevenyearsoldandaboutsixmonthsintomyrecoveryfromalcoholism,Ibegantonoticethatmuchaboutmyrelationshipwithmyboyfriendwasnolongerworkingaswellasitoncehad.Therewasthiswaywe'dlearnedto live together in the diseaseanunderstandingwehad aboutmy inferiority tohimasadrugaddictandalcoholic,andhissuperioritytomeasa...well,neitheroneofthose,Iguess.

Theperson I'mspeakingof is stilloneof thebest friends I'veeverhad,butwhat we had in the end there was pretty much your standard contract forunhealthyrelationshipsbetweenalcoholicsandcodependents.Oneofushadtoplaythestrong,responsibleoneandtheotherhadtoplaytheweak,irresponsibleone,andthatwasmyrole.Idon'tthinkthoseroleswereaconsciouschoiceforeitherofus;theywerejustanaturaloutgrowthtomyalcoholismandthetwoofuslivingwiththatdisease.Anyonewouldhavegottenassickaswedid,becausethat's how alcoholism works: it's just so fantastically toxic to everything ittouches,evenwhennobodydies.

Butthenanoddthinghappened.OnedayIstoppeddrinking.Ididn'tmeanto,anditcertainlywasn'tpartofanymasterplanI'ddesigned,butjustthesame,themoment camewhen I just couldn'tmakemyself drink anymore.What seemedeven worse to me at the time was that, try as I might, I couldn't quite makemyselfdie, either.So I couldn't drinkand I couldn't die, and thatmeant Ihadonlyoneverybleakoptionleft:theoneIneverwantedtofaceandwaspositiveI'dneverbeabletohandle,whichwastosomehowtryandfindawaytolivetherestofmylifewithoutdrugsoralcohol.Youcanimaginetheimpactthishadonmyrelationshipwithmyboyfriend.

Alotchangeswhenyoustopmedicatingyourpaininthesameoldwayyoualwayshave.Forone thing, Ihadnomoredruginducedvacations fromall thehurt andanger thathadbeenabigpartofour relationship.That led to suchahugebacklogofunalleviatedsadnessandresentmentIdidn'tthinkIcouldhold

insideanymore.

Also, I don't think either of us really knew how to act in our new roles. Icertainlydidn'tknowhowtobehaveinarelationshipasacleanandsoberpersonwithhim,andmyguess is thathedidn't reallyknowhow to respond tome inthatnewcondition,either.Weweresoentrenchedinouroldpatternsofrelatingthatwe could barely be in the same room togetherwithout screaming at eachother,andtherewasonethingIwasreluctantlycomingtounderstandaboutit:ifIdidn'tfindanewwaytofixthepainIwasexperiencing,IwouldsoonerorlaterfixitinthesameoldwayIalwayshadbefore.

Icertainlydidn'tseemypaininthatrelationshipasavampiretomebackthen;thatwayofperceivingitcametomemuchlateron.WhatIdidfinallycometosee, though,was that the sadnesswewerecausingeachotherno longerhadausefulplaceinmylife.Iwasdonewiththatpainandwillingtodowhateverwasnecessarytoendit,onlynowdrinkingandusingweren'toptionsformakingitgoaway.Theydidn'twork.

There was one last argument we had together our very last and I canrememberhowinthemiddleofitandwithoutanywarning,Istoppedfighting,because very suddenly, it seemed that I had absolutely nothing left to say. Itwasn'tlikesomebigspiritualinsightstruckmeorIhadanepiphanythatleftmespeechless,butitdidfeellikethethingthathaddrivenmetoscreamandfightwithhimallthoseyearswasdone.AndwhenitwasdoneIdidn'thaveanymorereason to slam the doors, stompmy feet, shriek, swear, or even speak. I wasquietallover,insideandout.

SometimesIthinkthereasonitgotsostillandquietwithinmelikethatwasbecauseIwassofull thatnothinginsideofmecouldmove.Idon't thinkIhadroomforonemoredropofarguingornegotiating;thelastdropofthathadfilledwhateverspaceinsidemehadhelditall,andthatwastheendofit.Irememberhavingaveryphysicalfeelingoffullness,andwhenacupisfullthere'sreallynopointinarguingaboutwhetheritcanholdanymoreornot.Itjustcan't,andit'sridiculoustoargue:thethingisdone.

That'sthelonganddarkroadtoclarityforme,theonethatbroughtme,aftertryingashardasIcouldtokeepwhathadbecomeaverypainfulrelationshipinmylife, tofinallyseeing that I justcouldn'tdo it. Ihadneither thecapacity tokeepthevampireinmylifenorthestrengthtodenyitspresence.Iwasfullandemptyatthesametime;andwasdonefighting.Allthatwasleftwasthetruth,quietandstill.

Humility

There'sabonushiddenintravelingondarkroads.Attheendofthemandinthatmomentofclarity,wealsobegintoreceivethegiftofhumility-bywhichImeanthatwebegintoknowthetruthaboutourselves.Nothingmoreorlessthanthat.That's all humility is: knowing the simple truth about ourselves, and myexperiencewith it isverymuch like living inadark roomformanyyearsandthenhavingthelightcomeon.

I'dlovetobeabletosayhowthatlightispurewhiteandfullofloveandallthat-andtherearetimeswhenitiskindoflovely.Buttherehavealsobeentimeswhen the experience has been fairly grim, and it's more like having the lightcomeoninabasementthatIdidn'tknowI'dbeenlivinginforyears,andthenlooking around and realizing there are boxes of stuff all over the place that Ihaven'tusedor even looked into for so longeven though I'vebeennavigatingaroundandtrippingoverthemallthattime.

Sometimeswhenthelightcomesonweseethattheroomwe'vebeenlivinginisprettygray, andother times it comesonandwe seehowbeautiful it is andhowfortunatewe'vebeen.But light is just light:all it cando is illuminate thetruth ofwhat's really there.Andwhile truth is alwayswith us, it can also getburiedinthedarknessofourfear,denial,orpride-hidingwherewecan'tseeit.The longer it stays hidden, the more frightening the prospect of seeing itbecomestous,andwecometofearitasifitwereMedusaherself.We'llturntostoneifwedarelookatit.

It'snotthetruthorhumilitythathurtsussomuch,though.It'sourreluctance

about uncovering truth after it's been hidden so long that smarts. I'm sure theuncoveringiswhyhumilityhassuchaterriblereputation.Wemistakeitforthepainweexperience trying toavoid it.Wemistake it for thepainwegetwhenwe're trying to make something work in our lives that just can not workanymore-likemewithmydrinkingorwithmyoldboyfriend.Therewasatimewheneachofthosethingsworkedforme,andatimewhentheydidn'tanymore,andwhathurtsomuchwasnotthatthey'dstoppedworking,butratherthatIkepttrying to force themto.All thatpushing isso tiringanddiscouraging,andcanbecomeyetanothervampiretous-avampireofdespairthatmakesstayinginthedarkstarttolooklikeaprettygoodidea,asitwhisperstousthatreturningtothelightwouldbetoohardandthatweprobablydon'treallybelongthere.

Butitlies.

While I realize thismaybeobvious toyou, I'mgoing to say it anyway: thefactthatcertainthingsinmylifestopworkingformealmostnevermeansthosethingsare"bad"inthemselves*,especiallywhenwe'retalkingaboutthingslikealcoholorrelationshipswehavewithperfectlyfineandwonderfulpeopletheseare obviously not bad things. They're just examples of things that some of usdevelopakindofallergytoandbecomevampirestous,probablybecausewhentheystoppedworkingforuswerefused tosee the truthof thatandchange thewaywe related to them. It's just like thatwhole denial thingwewere talkingaboutearlier:wepushthetruthintothedarkwhereitturnsintoavampire,andthenby the timewe let it out it's lost itsmanners. It canbeprettyhurtful andseembad...butreally,it'sjustthetruth,returningtothelightandstillfeelingalittlesoreatusaboutkeepingitinthedarksolong.

Taking that road is fairly fundamental tobeinghumanand togrowingup, Ithink.Ifwe'reluckyenoughtomatureatallinourlives,itwillbebecausewe'velearned to face the truth about ourselves. And if we're really lucky, we'lleventuallybe sohumbledby the sheerpowerof that truth thatwemightevencometodesirehumilityasanecessaryingredienttolivingasaneandcontentedlife.

Orat least I did.Do.Andalthough the long road is aperfectlygoodone, Ihave since learned there's a shorter road available to us quicker and a lot lesspainfulifwewanttotakeit.

MydearfriendandlongtimeWatcherJulietaughtmeaboutthisshorterroadtofindingclarity,humility,andtheplainoldtruthaboutourselvesbutthecatchtoitisthis:beforewecanknowthetruthaboutourselves,wehavetowanttoknowthat truth first. And that might entail a few consequences we haven't yetconsidered.

For starters, it couldmean finding out you're not exactly the person you'vealwayslikedto thinkyouare.Or thatsomeof thesecretsyou'vebeenkeepingaboutwhatyou'vebeenuptoaregoingtohavetocomeintothelightwhereyoucanseethemwhichcouldalsomeanyou'llendupneedingtomakesomehonestandunselfishdecisionsaboutthem.

Itcouldmeandiscoveringyou'renotnearlyasinnocentorsecureorevensaneasyou thoughtyouwere.Worse, it couldmean findingoutyou'renotevenasplainoldniceasyoumightoncehavelikedtothink,either.

Becauseniceguysdon'tevicttheirvampires,right?Niceguysdon'ttelltheirvampires theywant them to leave-niceguys justpolitelywait around for theirvampirestoleavewithouthavingtobeasked.Niceguysdon'ttelltheirvampireswhat it is they want or don't want from them. Nice guys just drop about athousandhintsperminute,hoping theirvampireswill finally takeoneof themandstartbehavingthemselves.Niceguysdon'tmeettheirvampiresface-to-facein the light and speak honestly to them about how they feel. Nice guys justgossip about what jerks their vampires are behind their backs and thenmakethemselvessickwith resentmentwhen theirgossiphasn'tchanged the fact thattheirvampiresarestilljerks.Niceguysdon'tadmittheyhaveneitherthestrengthnorthedesiretokeepfeedingtheirvampiresanymore.Niceguyswouldrathersufferbeforeanaudienceofsympatheticfriendsandfamilywhiletheirvampiresbleed them of everything they've got, leaving themwith nothing to give their

friendsor families because they'vegiven every last bit of it to their vampires.Becausethey'resonice.

Prideissurelypartofwhatmakesitsohardforustowanttoknowthetruthaboutourselves.Butthere'ssomethingelsemoresubtleandindirectthanpride:it's that inabilitysomanyofushaveto"staypresent" inour lives, tokeepourhandsandourmindsinthesameplaceatthesametime.It'seasytogetlostinthe past and the future, to get so preoccupied with our worries, regrets, andexpectationsthatwedon'tevenknowwhereweareorwhatwe'redoinghalfthetime,andthat'snowaytoliveinthelightwherewecanseewhat'sgoingon.

Themethodwe'llbeusingtofindourtruthinvolveslettinggoofallthatpastand future thinking, and spending some time alone andquiet, all byourselvesandonpurpose.

I'll say that again: On purpose. If we're going to know the truth aboutourselves,wehave towant toknowit first.Selfknowledgedoesn't justhappenbyaccident:ittakesdesire,willingness,anddiscipline-whichissomethingalotofusreallyhatetoeventhinkabout.Justlikewantingtohaveacleankitchen,cleanteeth,and/orphysicalstrength,wehavetodisciplineourselvestogetthem.

Before Julie could teach me this shortcut method, though, she first had toteachme one of themost important distinctions I'll ever learn inmy life: thedistinctionbetweensaying"Ican'tdothus-and-such,"andsaying,"Idon'twanttodothus-and-such."

For some time after that moment of clarity I had when I saw I was donefighting with my boyfriend and left, the two of us still saw each otheroccasionally, and were still discussing whether we should try to get backtogetheragainornot.

Please understand that even though I'd had amoment of clarity, I was stillfilledwithdoubtsaboutmyabilitytoendtherelationshipentirely,andthisisavery important thing tobeawareof,sincesomanyofusevenafterseeing the

truth aboutourselves andourvampires still strugglewith the logisticsof suchrealizations.Seeingthevampireisnotslayingthevampire,remember?Justliketheslayersin'Salem'sLotaftertheyfoundwherethevampireswerehiding,Itoostillhada lotmorework todo. Justbecausewe've recognizedavampiredoesnotmeanwehaveaplanforlivingwithoutityet.

It was on a beautiful autumn afternoon that I was having one of thosediscussionswithmyalmost-ex.WeweretalkingoutsidemyhouseandJuliewasinside,with thefrontdooropen.Sheknewallabouthowwe'dbeenstrugglingwithourbreakup,ofcourse,andafterheleftandIcameintothehouse,shewaswaitingthereforme.

Shesaid,"I'msorry,Claud,butIcouldn'thelpoverhearingyourconversationoutthereandyouknowwhat?IthinkI'vefiguredoutwhyyouguyskeephavingthesameconversationoverandoveragain.IthinkI'vefiguredoutwhyhecan'thearyou."

I imagined she was going to say something to cheer me up about what agentle,lovelypersonIwasandwhatafascistbullyhewasbutshedidn't.

Instead,shesaid,"Thereasonhecan'thearyouisthatyou'renotgivinghimtheinformationheneedstounderstandyou.You'renottellinghimthetruth."

Iwasshocked.Thiswasmyfault?"Whatdoyoumean?"Iaskedher.

"Theproblemis,"shesaid,withatinygrin,"thatyou'retellinghimyoucan'tbewithhim."

"Yeah, and I can't," I said, starting to get a little irritated. "So what's theproblem?"

"Theproblem is thatwhenyou tellhim thatyoucan'tbewithhim,whathehearsisthatyouwouldbewithhimifyoucould.Whenyoutellapersonwhodoesn'twanttohearyousaynothatyoucan'tdowhattheywantyoutodo,theyautomaticallyassumethatyouwanttosayyes,butthatsomethingisstandingin

yourwaysoyoucan't.Their job, they think, is todeterminewhat that thing isthat'sinyourway,andthenmoveitoutoftheway.Theywanttofixitforyou."

Ithoughtaboutthatforaminute.IthoughtaboutallthepeopleI'devertriedto politely avoid and all the ways they'd "fixed it" when I said I couldn't dowhatever itwas theywantedmetodo,andwhileIsawwhatshemeant, Istilldidn'tseehowIwasgoingtogetoutofit.Itseemedlike...Idon'tknow:someimpossible-to-solveequationorsomething.ButbecauseshewassuchafabulousWatcherandalwayshadthegreatestsolutionstoproblemsIcouldn'tevenbegintosolve,Iaskedheranyway.Isaid,"SowhatcanIdo?"

"Well,"shesaid,"Ithinkyoucanstartbyknowingtheanswertothatquestionyourself...whatisyouranswer,anyway?Ifyoucouldbewithhim,wouldyoubewithhim?"

Itwasadistinction I'dneverevenconsidered. I'dbeenmaking it sound likemyhandsweretiedandIhadnosayinthematter.I'dbeenmakingitsoundliketherewasavampireinmyhouse;likeIhadnothingatalltodowithinvitinghimin.

"Not today," Isaid, finally."Iwouldn'twant tobewithhimtoday,even if Icould be ... but I don't know about tomorrow." I paused, "Is that an okayanswer?"

Shenoddedherhead,"Yep.AndI thinkIseethemissingpiece:Thereasonyoucan't tellhimwhatyouwant isbecauseyoudon't evenknowwhat that isyourself. How can you possibly expect to be clear with himwhen you're notevenclearwithyourselfyet?"

"Yeah," I said, trying to imagine myself telling him that it was absolutelyover,"butthisissohard.Idon'twanttohurthim."

"Iknow,"shesaidkindly,"thisstuffisreallyhard.ButIthinkyouoweittoyourselfandtohim,too,ifyoureallycareabouthisfeelings,totakesometimetogetquietwithyourselfandto,youknow-askyourselfthequestion."

"Askmyselfwhatquestion?"

"I'mnotpositiveaboutthis,butIthinkthequestionforyouissomethinglike:WhatdoIwantandwhatamIwillingtorisklosinginordertogetit?

"Andthen,"shesaid,"allyouhavetodoistowaitandlistenfortheanswer."

ThiswastheshortcutIwaslookingfor-adirectroutetofindingthetruthaboutmyself thatIcouldtakethatIwouldn'tpracticallyhavetodietaking.It turnedout to be so simple and so powerful, though, that I think I'd better issue thiswarningbeforeItellyouhowit'sdone.

Ifyou'vegotaquestionaboutyourselfthatyoureallywantananswerto,thenlook out, because you've already got it.Your answer is already there,waitingright inside you. This process is just like using that little flashlight icon thatappearswhenyouconductasearchonyourcomputer:askingyourquestionsetsinmotionthesearchforinformationthat'salreadythere-andsinceallyouneedtoseeitislight,onceyoupressthatsearchbutton,you'regoingtofindit.

Nowsomepeoplemightcallthismeditation,andmaybeitis,butIseeitmoreasa simple procedure for looking inside to find answers only you can provide.True,itcertainlyresemblesthespiritofmanymeditationsI'vedone,butIhaveto say that this particular process is pretty streamlined and singular in itspurpose:youproceedwiththespecificintentionoffindingthetruthononeverynarrowandparticularsubjectatatime.

Asalwayswhenyouwanttoconcentrate,findaplacewhereyoucanbealonetolisten,anddowhateverittakestogetit:lockthedoor,takethephoneoffthehook, and explain to your spouse, housemates, children, potential visitors, orpets,infriendlybutluminouslyclearterms,youwanttobeleftaloneforawhile.Thenyou findyournotebookandpen,andgo toyourcomfortable spotwhereyouwon'tbedisturbed.Sitdown,quietyourself,andthinkforamomentaboutwhyyouarehere.Whenyouarecomposedandready:

1.Takeadeepandcleansingbreath,andletitout.

2.AsktheGodofyourunderstandingtohelpandguideyou,andthensitquietlyuntilyouareconsciousofourGod'sattendance(Godisalwaysinattendance,ofcourse;thisisjustamatterofbecomingconsciousofitkindoflikesaying,"Hello,"whenyoupickupaphoneindicatesthatwewanttotalkandarereadytolisten-buttheconnection,obviously,isalreadyopen)andyou'vemadeitcleartoGodthatyou'vecomeforanswersandyou'relisteningcarefully.Then,whenyouarefocusedandcalm,youbegin.

3.Ask"thequestion,"thatmyWatchertoldme(andwhichwe'llrefertofromnowonas"thetemplatequestion"):

"WhatdoIwant,andwhatamIwillingtorisklosinginordertogetit?"

Write that question on the top page of your notebook, because it's your

question,too.Whatyou'redoinghereisaskingforGod'slightandguidancetocomeandhelpyouseetheanswerthat'salreadyinyourheart.Whatyouwanttoknow by the time you're done is whether this is a vampire you want to dosomethingaboutornot.Ifyoudo,thenwhatareyouwillingtodoortoloseinordertomakethatchangehappen?

Inthecasewithmyboyfriend,thetemplatequestionasappliedtomyparticularsituationwas,"DoIwanttobewithhimandifIdon't,thenwhatamIwillingtorisklettinggooftobefreeofhim?"

Rememberwhenwe talked about the thingswemight see in ourselves thatcouldsurpriseus?Thisiswherethatpartcameinforme,becauseinmycaseIsawalot.WhenIaskedthequestion"DoIwanttobewithhim?"andtheanswerwas no, an absolutely unstoppable flood of information about myself camepouringinformetosee.IsawfearsIhadaboutnotbeingabletotakecareofmyself (financial fears), fears about having to redefine myself without him(social insecurity and selfesteem issues), fears aboutwhat other peoplewouldthink(doubtsaboutmyabilitytomakemyowndecisions),andespeciallyfearsaboutwhatwouldhappentomeifImadeamistakeandwereleftallalonewithnolovewhiletherestoftheworldsaid,"Wetoldyouso,"fortherestofmylife.Itwasn'tthegreateststufftohavetoseeinmyself,butI'llsaythisforit:atleastIknewwhatIwasupagainst,whoIwas,andwhatIfearedIhadtoloseifIlefthim. The lights were on and I had all the information I needed to make mydecision.

Butthatwasmyexperience,andnowit'syourturn.

It'stimetogobacktothesteps.Beginbypickingupthatnotebook,andwritethis down so you can see your thoughts in black and white, and watch theirprogression:

4.Let'ssaythatinyourcaseit'sajobthathasbecomeavampiretoyouandyouhaven'tdecidedwhetheryouwanttodoanythingaboutitornot:you'veseenthevampire,butnowit'sjustlyingthere,undertheporchlikeitwasforthose'Salem'sLotslayers.Applyingthetemplatequestiontoyourown

forthose'Salem'sLotslayers.Applyingthetemplatequestiontoyourownsituation,youwouldask:"DoIwanttoleavemyjob,andifIdo,thenwhatamIwillingtorisklosingorletgooftobefreeofit?"

5.Let'sassumethatyouranswerhereis"YES!I'dlovetoleavethatjob!"but...thenyourfearsstartshowingup.Theytellyouthatyoumightnotbeabletogetanotherjob,you'retooold,notwell-educatedenough,notgoodlookingenoughanymoretocompete,thatyourspouseorpartnerwillbeunhappywithyou,andthatyou'llmakeawrongdecisionthatwilllandyouandyourfamilyincardboardboxeslivingunderabridgesomewhere.Whileanyorallofyourfearsmayseemsillyorexaggerated,whatevertheyare,ifyou'vegotthem,writethemdown:theseareyourthoughtsandyouwanttokeeptrackofthem.Thisisyouwiththelightoninthebasement,lookingatthoseunopenedboxesyou'vebeentrippingoveralltheseyearsandit'sagood,reallygood,thing.

6.Next,sinceyou'vestillnotcometoapeacefulconclusion,youhavemoretodo.Yournextquestionwouldbe:

"Whatistheverybottomlineforme?Whatistheoneorattheverymosttwothingsthatmustchangeinorderforthisjobtostopbeingavampiretome?"

Thenstartwriting.What is it thatwillbringyoupeace? Is itmorepraiseorverbal recognition for all your hard work that will do it? Is it a raise of 15percentperyear? Is it a longer lunchhour?Better training?Yourownoffice?What'syourbottomline?

7.Whenyouknowyourbottomline,askyourselfwhatyou'rewillingtorisklosingorlettinggooftohaveit.Areyouwillingtorisklosingyourjobforit?Areyouwillingtoletgoofyourfearofnotgettinganotherjobifyougiveyouremployeranultimatum?Areyouwillingtohaveyourspouseorpartnersnarlatyouforawhile?Whateveryouranswersare,keepthisinmind:thisisyourbottomline,whichmeansthatunlessyoutakesomekindofactiononit,nothingwillchangeandthedaysyou'vebeenspendingatworkmiserablewillcontinuetobedaysthatyouspendatworkmiserable.

workmiserablewillcontinuetobedaysthatyouspendatworkmiserable.Remember,you'redonewithdenialandinthelightnow,andthefactisthatifyoudon'tchangethis,itwon'tgetchanged.

8.Thisistheprocessyouuseuntilyoucometopeacewithyouranswer.Andhere'sthegoodnews:evenifyoudo,intheend,decidethatyou'remorecomfortabledoingnothingfornowandmakingnochangeswhatsoever,you'vestilltakenanactionthatwillalteryourrelationshipnotwithyouremployerbutwithyourselfandyourinnervampire.You'vebroughtlightintoyourheart,you'vestoppedhidingandhavenowconsideredthetruthaboutyourvampire,yourself,youroptions,andwhat'smore,you'vetakenresponsibilityforthem.Attheveryleast(andit'splenty!)yourdaysofseeingyourselfasavictimareover.Youknowwhatyou'redoingandwhyyou'redoingit;you'vemadeachoicethatnovampireis"forcing"youtomake.Andyouknowwhat?Thatmakesyoufree.

I like to remind myself of that point when I'm angry with someone aboutsomethingIhaven'tbotheredtoaddresswiththem,andfindmyselfstewingonitagain. I think, "You've considered your options and decided of your own freewillnottotakeaction-andClaudia,youcanhardlyconsideryourselfavictimifyou haven't even given them a chance to know what's bothering you and tochangeit!"EverytimeIremindmyselfof thosefacts, itquietsmyrage;everytimeIdothat,Istopbeingavictiminmyownmind.

Peace.

As long as we've gone through the process, then we can always remindourselves, thenext timewe'reabout togetmadaboutourvampire, that itwasourchoicenot to takeaction.We'veconsideredouroptionsandchosenofourownfreewilltodonothingaboutit,atleastfortoday.Novictim=novampire.Andplus,youknowwhat?Wecanalwaysre-evaluateourvampireandhowwefeelaboutitanytimewewantto:thefreedomtoconsiderouroptionsandtakeactionnevergoesaway;it'salwaysours.

Becausethosearetherules,too.

There is one addition or even substitution you can make in this high-speedprocess of coming to the truth about your vampire and yourself, and that oneadditionis toenlist thehelpofaWatcher.There'smorethanonewaytobringlighttoasubject,andforsome,andevenmanyofus,anhonestdiscussionwithourWatcherisahelpfuladditiontoorsubstitutionforaquietconsultationwithourGod.

FindingYourWatcher

Bynowyouprobablyhaveaprettygood ideaofwhataWatcher is,but sinceyou'venowcometothinkingseriouslyaboutfindingagoodoneforyourself(ortwoorthree!),I'dliketogooverafewofthequalitiesyoushouldbelookingforinyours:

•YourWatcherissomeonewhohasexperiencewiththepathyouareonandthevampireyou'reslaying.Ifyourvampireisanobnoxiousneighbor,yourWatchermightbesomeonewhohasexperiencehandlingdifficultneighborssuccessfully.Ifyourvampireisadifficultemployerorspouse,youlookforaWatcherwhoishappyinher/hisjobormarriage,andhasdealtsuccessfullywithproblemsinboth.Ifyourvampireisanaddiction,youfindsomeonewhohasexperiencedthesameaddictionyouhaveandsucceededinbecomingfreeofit.

•YourWatchershouldbesomeonewhoknowshowtokeephis/hermouthshut.Theyunderstandtheimportanceofprivacy,andyouunderstandtheimportanceofseekingoutaWatcherwhomyou'veneverseengossiporshareanother'spersonalproblemswithanyoneelse.YourWatcherissomeoneyouhavetobeabletotrust,andyoucanlearnalotbywatchingthewaytheybehavewhenothersintheroomaregossiping:iftheysaynothing,changethesubject,leavetheroom,orasmyWatcherJulieoncedid-tellthegroupthat'sgossipingthatshe'dliketostaybutifthey'regoing

did-tellthegroupthat'sgossipingthatshe'dliketostaybutifthey'regoingtogossipshe'llhavetoleavewell,thenyou'vefoundaWatcherwhoknowshowtorespectyourprivacy,too.

•YourWatcherhasqualitiesthatyou'dliketohaveyourself.Ifyou'renotgreatatsocializingbutwouldliketobe,youmightkeepyoureyeoutforsomeonewhoiscomfortablethatway.Ifyouwishyouweremoreopenminded,wishedyoulaughedmorethanyoudo,wishedyouweremorearticulate,abettermechanicorcooklookforaWatcherwhohasqualitiesyou'dliketodevelopinyourself.

•YourWatchershouldneverbeapersonwhowantstoplayanalystwithyou,makejudgmentsaboutyou,ortellyouwhatyoushoulddo.AgoodWatcherreflectsandhelpsbringlightandunderstandingtoourproblemshe/shenevertellsuswhatiswrongwithus,whatweshouldchange,orrushesusintodoinganything.Theysharetheirexperienceandwhatworkedforthemwithoutexpectingustofollowtheexactsamepaththattheydid.Thisiswhyourclergyorbestfriendmightnotbethebestpersonforthejob:theymayhaveanagendaorwayofseeingthingsthatmakesthemwanttoinfluenceourperceptionsanddecisions.Andsomebestfriendsnotallare,likeyou,justtooclosetotheproblemtoseeitclearly.

I'veheard it saidsooften thatpeoplehearGodspeak to themthroughotherpeople, and that may be why bringing ourWatchers along on our search forclarityworkssowell formanyofus.Forme, it'sanaddition,andanecessaryone,almosteverytime-becauseIfindthattheextradoseofgoodintentionandlighttheybringtothequestionkeepsmehonest.It'ssoeasytofudgewhenI'malone.Infact,it'sprettyeasytofudgewithmostpeople,butwithmyWatchers?Ifinditverydifficulttolieortellanincompletetruth(ifthereissuchathing!)tomyWatchers.That'sthewayitworksforme,butforsomeslayers,spendingtime with theirWatchers in the pursuit of truth is actually their only way ofconsultingwiththeirGod,andsoeachofusdoesasourconsciencedirectsandwhatworksbestforus.Besides,theprocedureusedinthissearchforclarityis

similartothelastoneIdiscussedtheadditionofourWatcherbeingtheonlyrealdifference.

ForSlayersWhoChoosetoDoTheirSearchwithaWatcher

Asalways,makesureyouhaveaplacewhereyoucanconcentrateandwon'tbedisturbed.Perhapsyouhaveprepared foryourmeetingbywritinga few ideasyoualreadyhaveaboutthisvampiredowninyournotebooks.BringthosealongtosharewithyourWatcher,too.

Don't forgetanycoffee, tea,Mallomars,Kleenex,and/orashtraysyoumightneed, and then sit down and make yourselves comfortable. Quiet yourselvesperhaps beginningwith a prayer or a fewminutes ofmeditation to rememberwhy you are there and what you are intending to accomplish.When you arecomposedandready,youcanbegin:

1.DescribethesituationtoyourWatcherandthedetailsofhowthisperson,situation,orbeliefisavampiretoyou.Itisessentialthatyoudoyourbesttobecompletelyhonestandthorough.Tellthemexactlywhat'sbotheringyounomatterhowpettyorsillyitmayseemanddescribehowthisvampireisaffectingyouinternally.Themoretruthyoutell,thebetteryou'llfeel.

2.YourWatchermayhelpbothofyouunderstandtheproblembetterbyaskingquestionsaboutitthathe/sheneedsclarificationon.YourWatcher'sneedformoreinformationwillhelpyoudiscoverandbringlighttoareasthatareinthedark,andinthiswaycanbeabright,instructive,andsupportivelighttoyou.Oncethevampirehasbeenthoroughlydiscussedandrevealed,youwillthenbereadytoaskthe"templatequestion."

3.Askyourself(andansweryourWatcher):"WhatdoIwant,andwhatamIwillingtorisklosinginordertogetit?"Again:whatyou'redoinghereisaskingyourWatcher'slight,support,andguidancetohelpyouseewhatisinyourheart.Theywillhelpyoubreakthequestiondownandrestateituntilyougetananswer,justasyoudidinquietcontemplationwiththeGodofyourunderstanding.

ofyourunderstanding.

When,withthehelpofGodand/orourWatcher,wehaveclarityaboutwhatwewantandwhatwe'rewillingtoriskgettingit,wearethenreadytoconsiderouroptions.Rememberwhenwetalkedearlierabouttherebeingmorethanoneway to skin a vampire?Well, now it's time to learn exactlywhat thatmeans,whatthoseoptionsare,andhowthey'reexecuted.

Ifthisisstartingtofeelrealtoyouyouwanttoknowwhy?Becauseitis.

BRINGINGTHETRUTHABOUTOURVAMPIRESANDourselvesintothelightwherewecanseeitisagreatstart,butitdoesn'tmeanwe'veconsideredourslaying options or decided what we're going to do yet. Now is the time forchoice.Now thatwe are in the light and can seewhatwe're dealingwith andwhoweare,wearereadytomakeclearandinformeddecisionsaboutourlivesandhowwewanttolivethem.

Tobegin,let'snotassumethatjustbecausewe'vefinallyfiguredoutwhoourvampires are and that we want to do something about them means we'reautomaticallyobligatedtorevokeourinvitationsortoslayourvampires.

Always try tokeep inmind thatpracticalvampire slaying is about restoringourpersonalfreedom,whichistosaythatitinvolvesresponsibilityinabigway,but involves obligation in no way at all. None of us can be free without awillingness to take responsibility for ourselves, of course, but as far as that"obligation"stuffgoes,well...

Practical vampire slaying is about making informed, conscious, and thereforefreechoicesaboutour lives; it isnotabout followingsomeoneelse'sscript foraboutwhatissupposedlybestforus.Nooneisallowedtopushusintorevokingourinvitationsorslayingourvampires,andnoonewhoknowswhat'sgoodforthemwillsomuchasraiseaneyebrowinourdirectionshouldwedecidetodoneitherandkeepourvampiresaroundinstead.

Aside from being in extremely poor spiritual taste, judging what anotherpersonchoosestodoabouttheirvampireissimplynotathingthatanyofuscanreasonably expect to get away with. Many of us have tried pronouncingjudgmentonothersanddiscovered,toolate,thatthepriceforthatisjustalittleoutofourrange.

I'mtalkingaboutthis"judgenot,lestyebejudged,"business,specifically,andit'snotanadagewetakelightly:nomatterhowwetrytobendtherulesorgetaround them,wewill always find it impossible to judgesomeoneelsewithoutjudging ourselves right along with them. And that's the thing we need to beconcerned about, of course: this problem of judging ourselves. There are twothingsIcantellyouaboutself-judgment:

1.It'spoison.

2.Itcomeshardestwhenit'sontheheelsofajudgmentwe'vemadeaboutsomebodyelse.

Iswear,thesecondIsaysomethingcriticalaboutanotherperson,theballgetsrolling:Icomplainabout thewaytheguyinfrontofmeisdriving,andwithinabout twominutes I'm the onewho almost causes an accident. I gossip aboutsomestupidthingaguysaysinameeting,andthenextdayI'mtheguysayingsomethingstupidinmeetingandbeatingthecrapoutofmyselfforit,too.

Ifonlyourjudgmentscamefromoutsideus,basedonsomeuniversallyagreeduponorobjectivestandard.Thenwecouldseparateourselvesfromtheirvenom.Wecouldjustsay,"Thatguy'swrongandI'mnot"...butofcoursethat'snothowitworks.Ourjudgmentscomefrominsideus,basedonourexperienceandwhatwe've been taught, so it's really kind of silly to imagine we can separateourselvesfromthem.

Asamatteroffact,Ithinkthere'saprettywellknownprayerthatmakesthissame connection, one that speaks of "forgiving our trespasses as we forgivethose who trespass against us," so it's not as if this connection is completelyunheardof.I'mnottheonlyonewho'snoticedhowhavingharshopinionsaboutotherscanmakeadeepandlastingimpressionnotuponhowweviewthem,butratheruponhowweviewourselves.Andwhywouldwebedesignedtoescapethe measure of our own standards, anyway? What would be fair, or evenreasonable,aboutthat?

As enlightened vampire slayers, we avoid making judgments about others-especiallyhowtheychoosetohandletheirownvampires.Whatwediscoveraswe try topractice thisprinciple is thatwhenwe stopmaking judgmentsaboutotherpeople,webecomealmostmagicallyimmunetothejudgmentsthatotherpeoplemake about us. It's verymysterious and very cool, and it's just one ofthose things no one believes until they try it themselves, I guess. Likehomeopathy.OrKrispyKremes.

Besides,ifit'sreallyfreedomwe'researchingfor,thenthedecisionswemakeabout our vampires have to be our own which means that well-intentionedfriendsandfamily,professionaladvisors,andourpresentculturalstandardsdon'treallyhavealottosayaboutthem.

I'm not, however, so idealistic as to think other people's opinions or thestandards we're exposed to won't influence our decisions to some degree,becausethechancesareprettygoodtheywill.We'reprobablygoingtowanttopleaseotherpeopleandwe'llprobablybelievethatbydoingwhattheywantusto thatwewillplease them. Iget that. I justwant topointout thatneither the

peoplewe'retryingtopleasenorthestandardswe'retryingtomeethavetolivewith or without our vampires, but we do. These are our lives we're makingdecisionsabout,nottheirs.

So.Nowthatwe'reas readywe'lleverbe tomakeanunprejudiceddecisionaboutthefuturedispositionofourvampires,let'sconsiderouroptions.Rightoffthebat,Icanthinkoffour:

Ifwe'verecognizedavampire inour lifeanddecided,aftersearchingoursoulandweighingall thepros andcons, thatwe're still not throughwith themandwanttokeeptheminourlives,thenthisistheoptionforus.IfwehavequietlycontemplatedthiswithourGodandwithourWatcher,searchedourheartsandknowthetruththereisthatwestilllovethemtoomuchtoletthemgo,thenthismaybeasfarasweget.

Farenough!

Whether our vampire is a crummy marriage or a lousy job, whether it'ssmokingcigarettes,eatingtoomuchsugar,orsomethingelsewefeelisharmfultousbutknowinourheartsthatwe'restillnotreadytolivewithout,thenwecanchoose the option of simply accepting our vampire, making peace withourselves,andlivingwithit.Wecanchoosetoforgive.First,though,I'dliketodefinewhatwemeanbythat.

Becauseitseemstome,especiallywhenI'mwatchingTVorlisteningtothosecall-in radio shows where people talk to psy chologists or priests and they'retalkingaboutforgiveness,thatmisunderstandingsabound.

Guestsof theshoworcallers-inarealwayssaying things like,"Myhusbandleftme and the kids fourteen years ago, and I know I've forgiven him inmyheart,butsometimesIstillgetangry,soIwonderifthere'sapartofitIhaven'tgottenoveryet."

"Apartofit?"Ialwayswonder:"Whatdotheymean,'apartofit?"'Dotheymean the part where they've actually forgiven the offense? Is that the "part"they'rereferringto?

Such talk confusesme, andusually about thebest I cando to explain theseoddthingspeoplesayistothinkthatmaybetheyhadamomentwhentheyfelt

tenderness toward their vampire and perhaps they mistook that feeling oftendernessforforgiveness.Becauseifthey'restillthinkingabouthowsomebodyorsomethinghurtthemfourteenyearsagoandgettingmadaboutit,thenIreallydoubtthey'veexperiencedanythinglikerealforgivenessyet.

Forgiveness isn't a feeling or sentiment we have about a person or thing.Forgivenessisacceptanceofthatpersonorthingexactlyastheyare.Whenweaccept them it doesn't mean that we like them or condone what they did; itdoesn'tmeanwe understand it or feel sorry for them; and it definitely doesn'tmeanthatwhattheydid"isokaywithusnow,"either.Allitmeansisthatwe'vemade peace with ourselves about the fact that what happened did happen. Itmeanswe'vereachedapointwherewe'vestoppedsaying,"Thisshouldn'thavebeen,"andstartedsaying,"Thiswas."Andifyouwanttoforgiveyourvampireandwanttobeabsolutelysurethatyouunderstandwhatwemeanwhenwetalkaboutforgiveness,

YouCanTestYourself

Thinkofasomethingterriblethatsomeonehasdonetoyouthatyou'renotsureyou'veeverforgiven:

•Maybeit'sthewayyourparentsraisedyou.

•Maybeit'sanaffairyourspouseorpartnerhad.

•Maybeit'smoneyorsomethingofvaluethatafriendpromisedto,butneverdid,return.

•Ormaybeit'salieyouweretoldthattheliarnevercorrected.

Whatever it is, it should be something you're not sure you've let go of, andwhenyou'vegot it,askyourself this:Whenmyangerrises,amI'mstill tellingmyself:

•Thatmyparentsshouldn'thavemadethosemistakes?

•Thatmyspouse/partnershouldn'thavehadtheaffair?

•Thatmyfriendshouldn'thavetakenmymoney/belongings?

•Thatthepersonwholiedtomeshouldn'thavelied?

Becauseifyou'restilltellingyourself"itshouldn'thavehappened"you'renotdone. You've not accepted the fact that it did happen, and there can be noforgivenessuntilyoudo.

HowForgivenessFeels

There was a point in my life when I got really busy and nuts, and so forconvenience'ssake,startedliving,almostexclusively,onmicrowavedhotdogs.Iknow.Itwasbad,andIchidedmyselfforitallthetime.Iwassoembarrassedthat I tried to not let people know about it, but one day I was talking tomyWatcherJulieandthetruthcameout.ItoldherIwasworriedaboutmyeatinghabitsandtryingtohidethembecausetheyhadbecomesoembarrassing.AndItold her, too, that I knewwhat I was doingwas very wrong and bad formyhealth.

She listened to me for a while, and then she surprised the heck out of mewhen,insteadofagreeingwithmeabouthowdelinquentIwasandhowIreallyhadtogeton theballwithmynutrition,shesimplysaid thatshewasworried,notaboutmynutrition,butthefactthatIwasbeatingmyselfupsomuchaboutit.ShetoldmeshethoughtitwasfinethatI'drecognizedaproblem(vampire)inmylifeandthatIwastakingresponsibility(acknowledgingmyinvitation)forit,butwhatshereallywantedmetositupandtakenoticeofwasthefactthatIwassayingsuchmeanthingstomyselfaboutit.Shecalledit"bringingoutthewhip."

She said I'd takenwhat couldhavebeenuseful information (that I couldbetakingbettercareofmyhealth)andturneditintoawhip(sayingmeanthingstomyself) to use against myself. She said it was a thing that happened a lot topeople when they were trying to improve themselves. They would take what

might have been a good thing-likewanting to exercise or eat right-and turn itinto a whip they used to hurt themselves. If they failed, then theywould tellthemselves that theywere lazyor fator ridiculous, just as I'dbeendoing, andthenbeatthemselvesmercilesslywiththatwhipeverychancetheygot.

It'skindoflikekeepingavampirearoundandbeatingourselvesupforit,too.Morebargainbasementvampires:twoforthepriceofone.

Shesaid:"Youknowwhat,Claud?I thinkthatmaybe, justfor today,you'rejust going to have to be a personwho eats hot dogs every day. I think you'regoingtohavetoacceptthat'sjustwhoyouarefortoday.You'regoingtohavetoputdownthewhipandjustknowthataboutyourselfandlivewithit.

"Whatdoyouthink?"sheasked,"Doesthatsoundlikesomethingyoumightbeabletodo?"

And incredibly enough, it was. Suddenly it seemed like therewas nomorepointinsayingwhatIwassupposedtobedoingorwhatshouldhavebeen,andthatthetruthwassimplywhatitwas:ThatIwasapersonwhoatehotdogsallthetime,andalmostnothingelse.

I was so happy after that-eating hot dogs without having to be somean tomyselfabout it!And I think itwas the first time I'deverexperienced thewayforgivenessandacceptancereallyfeel:likeembracingthetruth,justasitis.

Ifyouwanttoforgiveyourvampireandkeepitaround,Ithinkit'safineidea.Becausemaybe, just for today, you're a personwhoseparents did a rotten jobraising them and maybe for today that's as good as it's going to get. Maybeyou're apersonwhose spousecheatedon them,whose friend ripped themoff;maybeyou'reapersonwho'sbeenlied tobutneverapologizedto,andmaybe-just for today that'sokay.Maybe that's just theway it is,and it's justgoing tohavetobegoodenough.

As far as I'mconcerned,whether it's hotdogsor a lousy job, it's absolutelyfinetokeepavampirearound.Wealldoit,oratleastallthebestpeopledo.I'm

prettysureIdon'thaveanyfriendswhoaren'tthrashingaroundwithatleastoneortwooftheirpetvampireseveryday,andit'snotbecausetheydon'tknowhowto revoke their invitations, either. They know exactly how to get rid of theirvampires,onlyfornow,they'resimplychoosingnotto.

Fornow,theychoosetolivewiththeirvampires.Theychoosetoknowit,andchoosetoforgivethemselvesandtheirvampiresforit,too.Fortoday,theysay,"I livewithavampire.For today, this iswhoIam:apersonwho liveswithavampire."Canyouimaginethefreedominthat?

Having choice is a wonderful thing. It's way more than we had before werecognizedourvampiresandacceptedresponsibilityforourinvitations.Atleastwe're no longer playing the unconscious victim in a horror show we have afeeling that somebody else iswriting.Wehave chosen instead to be alert andresponsibleauthorsofourownscripts;whatusedtolooklikeahorrorshowisnowinthelightwherewecanseeit,andwe'renolongerafraid.

Plus,wecanopttorewritetheendingatanytime.Wecanalwayschangeourminds ifwewant to. Isn't that excellent?And that, as it happens,bringsus toOptionNumberTwo.

Thisisagoodoptionforthoseofuswhohaven'tyethadanepiphanyaboutourvampireandperhapsneverwill,andalsoforthoseofuswho,whenwegotquietandaskedforanansweraboutwhetherwewantedtokeepourvampiresaroundornot,didn'tgetaclearone.Ofcoursetherearetimeswhenouranswersdon'tcomerightaway,andofcoursetherearetimeswhenwe'rejustnotreadytohearthoseanswersrightaway,too.Itdoesn'tmeanthoseanswersaren'tinthereandwon't come eventually, because they will-but it's why we always reserve therighttowaitandsee,incasethey'reinnohurrytorevealthemselves.

BackwhenIwasfirstlearninghowtodealwithmyvampires,Iwasdrivingmyselfcrazyoveradecisionaboutwhethertokeepacertainvampireinmylifeornot.AtthetimeIhadnoexperiencewithrevokingmyinvitations,butIwas,littleby little,beginning tobelieve thereweresomevampires inmy life that Imighthavetheabilitytodosomethingabout.

Being new to all this, I just assumed that as soon as someone perceived avampireintheirlife,theywererequiredtomakeadecisionaboutwhetherornottoslayit.Ifurtherassumedthatoneshouldalwayswanttoslayone'svampires,sincevampiresweresoobviously"bad,"andweshouldn'twantthemaround.IguessIthoughtitwasasortofa"seeandslay"deal:likeifIsawavampire,Ihadtoslayit-orthatIshould,attheveryleast,wantto.

SowhenthedaycamewhenIrecognizedavampireinmylife,IthoughtIwassupposed toknowwhat Iwanted todoabout it right away.Theonlyproblemwas, I didn't know. I couldn't decide. Even though I was pretty sure I had avampirefeedingonme,Istillcouldn'tmakeupmymindaboutwhetherIwantedtorevokemyinvitationtoitornot:Ikeptgoingbackandforthonit.

Fortunately forme, I had another extraordinaryWatcher at the time, namedCatherine,whogavemethisperfectlypricelesspieceofwatcherlyadvice.Shesaid:

"Youdon'thavetomakeadecisiontoday,"

andthenrepeateditasoftenasIneededtohearit.

So I took herword for it. I believed her, and instead of using thewhip onmyselffornotbeingabletomakemydecisiononadime,Itriedtorelaxandpayattention towhatwashappening inmyeveryday life.Like I'dpayattention totheshowerIwastakingortheclothesIwasputtingon,orI'dpayattentiontotheworkIwasdoingorthecigaretteIwassmoking.AndwhenIwasbrushingmyteethIwouldtrytopayattentiontobrushingmyteeth-thingslikethat.Andthenoneday,whenIwasverydefinitelynotexpectingit,IknewwhatIwantedtodoaboutmyvampire.OneminuteIdidn'tknow,andthenthenextminuteIknewforsure,andIwasrakingtheleavesorsomethingwhenithappened.

Sothemoralhere,incaseyoumissedit,isthatnoneofuscanbeexpectedtomake a decision before we're ready, and it's just plain silly to think that weshould. If we've asked ourselves what we want to do and haven't gotten ananswer, thenwe're not ready. In fact, "we're not ready" is the answer.And itmakeswaymoresensetojustgoonwithourlives,doourbest,andtrustthatwewillknowwhattodowhenweareready.

The "wait and see"optiongrants a compassionate reprieve to thepart of usthatisfreakingoutabouthavingtomakeupourmindsrightthissecond.Itgivesofficialandsympatheticnoticetousthatitisnotonlyunrealisticbutalsopainfulto try and force ourselves to do a thing beforewe're ready to, nomatter howmuch informationwehave andnomatterhowmuchwe thinkweought tobeready.

Ifwe'renotreadytomakeadecisiontoday,thenwe'rejustnot.It'sokay.Wedon'thavetotakeoutthewhipandbeatourselvesbecauseofit.Self-mutilationdoesnothelpusbecomebetterslayers;all itdoesishurt.Andwhat'spracticalaboutthat?

Nothing,that'swhat.Solet'strytorelaxandtakeiteasy,shallwe?Andtrustourinnertiming,justfortoday.

Whenwechoosetorevokeaninvitation,itmeanswe'vedecidedtowithdrawourpermission for a particular vampire to enter. It means that we're putting thatvampireontheothersideofacloseddoor-outsideofourlives-andthattheycanno longer come and go as they please. It means, in short, that their days ofdroppinginforaquickbiteareover.

It doesn'tmean thatwedestroy them, and the truth is thatwe can't actuallystopthemfromknockingagainatleastnotultimately,wecan't-butwedomakeour thresholdsclear toourvampires,andwedomake it clear to them thatwewant themon theother sideof those thresholds.Revokingan invitation isnotlikemakingapacttokeepthemoutforeverandinfact,makinga"foreverpact"isalotmorelikeslayingavampirethanrevokinganinvitationtoone.Butwe'llbecomingtothatinaminute.

Forsomeofus,decidingtorevokeourinvitationwasjustamatteroflearningthevampirerules:Someofushaveknownforalongtimethatwehadavampirein our homes, but we didn't know it was our invitation that brought them in.Someof us knewwe didn'twant to livewith our vampires anymore, butwedidn'tknowthatwecouldrevokeourinvitationstothemifwewantedthemout.

Now,however,someofusknowbetter.Andifwewanttobesurethatwe'rereadytorevokeourinvitations,wecanaskourselvesthesequestionsfirst:

•AmIsureI'mdonewithmyvampire,atleastfornow?

•AmIsureIunderstandmymotivesandwhatIstandtolosebyrevokingmyinvitation?

•HaveIsearchedmyheartandknowthatthisisariskIwanttotake?

Ifyouaresureofallthesethings,youcanmoveontothenextchaptertolearnhow.You'reready,andit'swaiting.

There are, without a doubt, some vampires that require stronger evictionmeasures than our revocations alone. Whereas revoking an invitation is anappropriate solution to a vampire (or prob lematic relationshipwith someone)whosebehaviortowardusis,inpart,aresultofthewaywe'vetaughtthem(orinvited them) to treat us, slaying a vampire requires a lifetime commitment tokeeping themout of our lives andusually involves changingour own lives inwaystoensurethevampiredoesnotreturn.It'sabiggerdeal,yes?Becausethat'snotusually thekindofcommitmentwemakewhenaneighbor isbothersome:mostof the timeavampire like thatcanbedispatchedwithawell-thoughtout,well-timed revocation-although even these, if persistent enough, will needreinforcement. But when the vampire is something like an addiction or hasproventobealife-threateningrelationship(perhapsadomesticabusesituation),thenit'stimetoconsiderimmediateslaying.Thevampiresweslayaretheoneswehaveseriousandpermanentbadreactionstothekindofvampireswewanttocommittokeepingoutofourlivesforgood.

Ifyouthinkyou'rehostingavampirethatmightrequireslaying,youcanaskyourselfthesequestions:

•Isthisavampirethatcomesfirstinmylife,aheadofeveryoneItrulylove?Isitanaddiction(orlikeanaddiction)thatmustbefedbeforeanythingelse,eventhoughIwishmylovedonescamefirst?

•HaveIeverriskedmylifetokeepthisvampirefed?Ifthisisaviolentorcontrollingpersonwho'sthevampire,haveIeverbeeninphysicaldangerorhospitalizedbecauseofthem?Ifit'sanaddiction,haveIeverbeeninanaccidentorhospitalizedbecauseofit?HaveIriskedmysafetyorthesafetyofotherstomakesureIgotmyaddictionneedsmet?

•Aremylovedonesconcernedaboutmyrelationshipwiththisvampire?DoItrytohidethetruthaboutthisvampirefrommylovedonesandmyself?DoImakeexcusesforit?DoIlietocoverupthedamageitsappetites

DoImakeexcusesforit?DoIlietocoverupthedamageitsappetitescause?

•AmIscaredtodeathtorevokemyinvitation,ordoesitseemimpossibletoeithergetawayfromorlivewithoutthisvampire?

•Isthisavampirethatseemslikenobigdeal,butbecauseI'veattemptedtorevokemyinvitationtothemsomanytimesnowwithouteffect,isstartingtobecomeabigdeal?

Ifyouranswertoanyofthesequestionswasyes,slayingyourvampireisanoptionforyoutoseriouslyconsider.YoumaywanttoproceedtoChapter10onslayingthevampire.Itcouldbethesolutionforyou.

Fornow,though,whenitcomestotheoptionswehavefordisposingofourvampires,thelististhis:

•Wecanforgivethem.

•Wecanwaitandseeaboutthem.

•Wecanrevokeourinvitationstothem.

•Orwecanslaythem.

The choice is ours and, as usual, allwe need to do is ask.The answerwillcome ifwewant it towhich remindsme of something Julie once said tomeaboutquestionsandanswers.Shesaid,"Allyouhavetodoisaskthequestion.Andifyoufindthatyoucan'tevenbringyourselftoaskit,orthatyousomehownever'getaroundto'askingit,thenyoustillgetyouranswer:theanswerbeing,ofcourse,thatyou'renotreadytoknowanddon'tevenwantto."

And I'm sure I don't need to tell you this, but I'm going to just the same:Findingoutthatwe'renotyetreadyforananswerisaperfectlygoodanswer.Ifwe've come that far we've shown more courage than we probably realize,because whether we know it or not, we've picked up that stick of wood and

started towhittle away at it.We've shown, at the very least, a willingness toknowourselves,andthat'sstrongstuff,evenwhenit'sallwe'vegot.

Infact,oncewe'vecomethat far, I'mnotevensure there'sany turningbackandthat'salsoagoodthing.Ipromise.

AsktheSlayer

INVISIBILITY

DearSlayer,

LatelyI'vebeenfeelingunappreciated.WhenItakecleanlaundryintomykids'roomandfinditthreehourslateronthefloor,orwhenIdrivethemplacesandtheygetoutwithoutsomuchasa"thankyou,"Ijustwanttocry.I'veneverbeenthissensitive,butIfeellikeI'mstartingtolookforthesethings,andwhenIfindthem,myheartfeelslikeit'sgoingtobreak.Whatismyproblem?

Signed,

SuddenlyTouchy

DearS.T.,

Weallknowthatavampirecan'tseeitsownreflection,andmostofushavetriedsohardandsofruitlesslytogetourvampiresto"seethemselves"astobeutterlyconvincedofthetruthofit.Butwhenwe,ashosts,putoffrevokingourinvitations,wesometimesfindthatwhenwelookinthemirror,too,allthat'sleftisadimshadowofourformerselves.Sadly,wetoostarttodisappear.

LatelyI'veheardalotofstoriesabouthowawfulitfeelstodothingsforloved

LatelyI'veheardalotofstoriesabouthowawfulitfeelstodothingsforlovedonesthatgowithoutacknowledgement:thedishes,thelaundry,thecooking,theshopping,thepatientlisteningandIbelievetheabsenceoftheirgratitudecanmakeusstarttofeelinvisibleourselves,almostasifwe'renoteventhere.Thisisaverystrongsymptomof"vampirehosting,"andoneyououghttotakeseriously.Whenyouarereadytofindyourselfagain,dearreader,youcan.Allyouneedisstillrightthereinsideyou,andthisbookisdesignedtohelpyoufindit.

Withgratitude,

PVS

WHEN WE'RE ADDRESSING OUR VAMPIRES AND PARTICULARLYwhenwe're revoking our invitations to them, aswe know, clarity is essential.Andthegoodnewsinthischapteristhatifwe'vetakenthetimetogetclearwithourselves about who we are and what we want, our revocation has, by now,practicallywrittenitself.

Oncewe diagnosed the presence of a vampire in our lives and decidedwewantedtodosomethingaboutit,webegantosearchearnestlyinsideourselvesfor some answers. Taking care that wewould not be interrupted, wewent towherewecouldbeeitheraloneorwithourWatcher,and thenaskedourselveswhatwe reallywanted.Didwewant tokeep thisvampire inour livesawhilelonger,orwerewe throughwith them?We reflectedon theobstacles thathadbeeninthewayofourfreedom:weshedlightonallourfearsanddoubtsaboutendingourvampirerelationship,andonallourinsecuritiesandideasaboutwhatitwouldbe like to livewithout them, too.Wewrote these thingsdownsowecouldkeep trackofour thoughts,andwhenwewere through,weweighedourdesiretobefreeofourvampireagainstourdesiretoholdontotheseobstacles,andmadeourdecision.

Someofuschosetoforgiveourvampiresandtolivewiththem,andsomeofuschose togiveourselvesmore time todecide.Someofusknewandperhapseven longago-thatwewanted to revokeour invitationsandwere raring togo.Boy,wereweeverready.Andallweneedednowweretheinstructions.

When we stop to think about vampires, slayers, and all the mythologysurroundingthem,it'skindofinterestingtonoticehowoftenthesubjectof"theheart"comesup.

In one case, we talk about the heart of the host, which is the heart thatdetermineswhatwedesire forour lives and the lengthswe'rewilling togo inorder to fulfill that desire. When we tired of our vampires and finally askedourselveswhatwetrulywantedtodoaboutthem,itwasourheartthatprovidedtheanswers.

Thenthereistheheartoftherevocation,whichgivesvoicetotheheartofthehost. The heart of the revocation contains the exact expression of our heart'sdesire, telling the vampire precisely what we want or don't want in ourrelationshipwiththemfromnowon.Theheartoftherevocationalmostalwayscontains the very words we've stopped ourselves from speaking in the past,fearingtheyweretooabruptorperhaps(ironicallyenough)tooheartless.Whenwe tried to soften the words or to ease their sting by buffering the truth ordropping hints instead, our vampires never seemed to get the point as indeed,therewasnopointleftforthemtoget.Allthatequivocatinghaddulledthepointof the stake we'd intended to use down to nothing, making our revocationsunusableand,well...pointless.Finally,wesawthattherewasnootherway:wesawthatifwewantedthemtohearandrespectourrevocations,weweregoingtohavetosharpenourwordsandspeakdirectlytothemfromofallplacesourhearts.

Lastlyandperhapsmostfamously,thereistheheartofthevampire.Asweallknow,when slayers stake their vampires, theymust always aim for the heart.And just asour revocationsmustbe trueandexecutedwithoutpassion, so theslayer'saimmustbeaccurateandtheirattitudecomposed.Ifthestakeshouldfalljustasmidgetotheleftorapeeptotheright,oriftheslayerissoimpassionedbytheirworkthattheybecomevulnerabletothevampire'sthrall,thenallwillbe

lostandaslegendhasit,thevampirewillriseagain.

Andsomeofushavehadmorethanenoughexperiencewiththatold"risingagain"routine.We'rewaymorefamiliarthanwecaretobewithhowitfeelstodropourhints,missouraim,andhaveourvampirescomecallingtofeedagainandagain.Weareinfactsosickofthewholecyclethatwe'rereadytopickupourstakes,topayattention,dothejobright,andtodoitforgoodthistime.

Solet'stalkaboutthat.Let'stalkabouthowtorevokeourinvitationstheright,permanentway.

ComposingRevocationsthatWork

Effectiverevocationscontaintwoelementsthatareindispensable.Theseare:

1.Theheartoftherevocation

2.Anacknowledgementofourinvitation

Moreoftenthannot,butnotalways,theyalsocontainathirdelement.Thisis:

3.Theamendswemayormaynotwanttomaketoourvampire

Sometimestheyevencontainafourthelement,butI'mgoingtokeepquietaboutthatoneuntilafterwe'vecoveredthefirstthree.It'spersonal.

I.THEHEARTOFTHEREVOCATION

Oneofthenicestthingsabouttakingthetimetocheckinwithourselvesonthesubjectofwhoweareandwhatwereallywantisthat,nowthatwe'reclearaboutall these things, it's justsomucheasierforus toexpress themtootherpeople.Practicallyspeaking,it'sreallyrathernicetoknowwhatwemeantosaybeforeweopenourmouthstosayit,andreallysomucheasiertoexplainwhatwewantwhen we know what that is. This is especially true when we're revoking aninvitationtoavampire.

Themost commonmistake I see among those of us who are attempting torevokeourinvitationsisthatwealwaysseemtobetryingtosaywhatwewanttosay without actually having to say it. Unrealistically enough, we want ourvampiresoutthedoor,butwedon'twanttohavetoshowthemtoitourselves.So that's the first thing we need to get over if we're ever going to issue arevocationthatworks:wantingtohaveitbothways.

Nowhere in theworld that I knowof do people havemuch success in bothdoingathingandnotdoingitatthesametime.AsfarasIknow,it'snotpossibleto close a door and open it at the same time, nor is it possible to revoke aninvitationandnot revoke itat thesame time. Itdoesn'twork,andforasmanytimesaswe'veprobablytriedthat,you'dthinkbynowwe'dknow.

You remember how I kept trying to do that with my old boyfriend? AndrememberhowhecouldneverhearmewhenIdid?Iblamedhimforthatfornotbeingabletohearmeatthetime-butthetruthwasthatIwasn'tbeingclearwithhimaboutwantingtoendtherelationship.AsmyWatcherpointedouttome,I'dbeentellinghimthatIcouldn'tbewithhimratherthantellinghimthatIdidn'twanttobewithhim,andthatmademeguiltynotonlyoftryingtosayathingwithoutsayingit,butalsoofnotmakingaclearstatementofmywill.

This iswhyyou'llhearmekeepharpingon the importanceof engagingourwill in the revocation process. Any timewe try to disengage ourwill from arevocation,ourrevocationwillloseallitspowerpoofjustlikethat.Nowill=nopower,andthat'sallthereistoit.

Isympathize,ofcourse,withwhatwe'retryingtodowhenwepulltheheartoutofourrevocations:whenwesaywecan'tinsteadofsayingwewon't;whenwesaywewishwecouldinsteadofsayingwedon'twantto,whenwesayyesinsteadofsayingno-Imean,obviouslywe're tryingtosoften theblowandgoeasyonourvampires.Buttheresultisthatwecorruptthemeaningofwhatwe'retrying to tell them so completely, they can't even begin to understand ourmessage-amessage theydon'twant tounderstand in the firstplace, remember.Sothere'snopointinourbeingdeliberatelyvague.It'spositivelyridiculous.

Tobeginwith,ifwethinkthatthewords"can't"and"won't"meanthesamething and are somehow interchangeable, then, as the saying goes, we've gotanotherthinkcoming.

Considerthefollowingexamples:

•Ican'tswim.

•Idon'twanttoswim.

•Ican'tgotothegame.

•Idon'twanttogotothegame.

•Ican'thavearelationshipwithyou.

•Idon'twanttohavearelationshipwithyou.

SeewhatImean?

Before I could revoke my invitation to my boyfriend, I had to takeresponsibilityformyownwill,whichofcoursemeantthatIhadtotellhimwhatwastrulyinmyheart.IhadtotellhimwhatIwanted,andsonaturally,whenItoldhim,"Ican'thavea relationshipwithyou,"hewasnevergoing tohear it.OnlywhenIengagedmywillandsaid,"Idon'twanttohavearelationshipwithyou,"wasIabletofreemyself.Andhim,bytheway.Him,too.

Let'ssay,forinstance,thatwe'veidentifiedourvampireasaneighborwhoisforever popping over unannounced and who has failed take even one of thethousandsofhintswe'vebeendroppingforhertoknockitoff.We'vedecidedtorevokeour invitation to thisbabe:weknowwhat's inourheartsand that's justexactly what we're going to tell her, too. Thus, in our revocation to her, wewouldsay:

"Idon'twantyoucomingoverunannouncedanymore."

Yeah,Iknow...andinfact,Icanalmostseeyoushakingyourheadfromhere,becauseitdoeslookalittleharshwhenyouseeitallaloneuptherelikethatbyitself.Itcanbehardtoimaginesayinganythinglikethat.Butthiselement,thesewords that identify exactlywhatwewant or don'twant from our vampires isonly the heart of the revocation, and let me remind you: there's more to arevocationthanjusttheheartofit.

Soforclarity'ssake,let'sdrawatable.We'llcallita"RevocationTable"andwe'llkeepaddingnewelementstoitaswegoalong.

In this first table we'll be looking at the heart of the revocation and a fewsituations where it might be applied.While I realize that this part may seemobvious to someof you, you'd be amazed if you knewhowmany people I'vetalked to who practically have to take their tongues out of their mouths andphysicallytwistthemintopositionjusttogettherightwordsoutthat'showharditisforthemtospeaktheirownwill.Plus:thesethingstakepractice,sointhisfirstTable,justtryandrememberthat.Wewantthiswayoftalkingtobecomeasnaturaltousastyingourshoes.

REVOCATIONTABLEI.0

TheHeartoftheRevocation

Thestatementsinthelastcolumnreflectandstatethewillofthehostandare,asyouknow,theheartofeachrevocation.Insteadofdroppinghintsortryingtocover the truth about ourwill,wemake certain that everybody (including us)understands thatwe'renotsaying this"justbecausewe'remad,"and thatwe're

notapologizingforsayingit,either.We'renotsuggestinginanywaythatthisissomething we have to do or can't afford, not something we would-do-if-we-could-do,andit'salsonotsomethingthatwemightbeabletodolater.It'snoneof those things.Nothingisoutofourcontrolandnothingishappeningagainstourwill.Whatwearetellingthemiswhatwewant,andthat'sit.Evenifwedohavetowrestlewithourtonguesjustalittlebittogetitout.

2.ACKNOWLEDGEMENTOFOURINVITATION

If we've surveyed our inner landscape thoroughly, then we have, at leasthopefully,discoveredsomeimportanttruthsaboutwhowereallyareandwhatitisthatwe'vereallybeenupto.Hopefullywe'vebeguntoseetheresponsibilitywe need to take in the relationship we've been having with this person.Hopefullywe'vestartedtoseehowweinvitedthemin,andhopefully,too,we'vebeguntoidentifythewaysinwhichwe'veleftthedooropentothemeversinceweinvitedthemin.Sothisisthenextpartweincludeinourrevocation,thepartwe'llbereferringto,fromnowon,as"ourpart."

Whenwe talkaboutourpart in a relationshipor situation,weareof coursereferring to the part that we've played and the things we've done in thatrelationshiporsituation.Whenitcomestoourvampiresandhowwecomposeour revocations to them, this iswhereweacknowledgeour invitations to themor, toput itplainly: this iswhereweownup to the fact that theydidn'tget inwithoutalittlehelpfromus.

Some of us might have trouble acknowledging that they've miscalculated,misjudged, or even erred in this respect. Understandably apprehensive abouthavingtotakeresponsibilityforanymistakestheymightmake, theyareinthecarefulhabitof justifying their actions rather thanacknowledging them.Therearepeopleinwhomthishabit issodeeplyingrainedthat they'veevencometothinkof"justifyingtheiractions"and"acknowledgingtheiractions"asbeingthesamething.

Thesemisguidedboneheadscanusuallybeheardmakingacknowledgements

ofresponsibilitythatsoundsomethinglikethis:

"Yeah,Istolethatguy'smoney,buthewassuchacreepthathereallykindofowedittome."

Asyoucansee:someofushavealittleproblemwithmakingthisdistinctionbetween reporting what they do and rationalizing what they do. But in theirdefenseIhavetosaythatit'sreallyhardtotellthetruthwhenyouhavenoideawhatthetruthis.It'slikebeinginanotherdimension.Youcan'tseeyourself,soyoudon'tthinkanyoneelsecan,either.Somepeopleimaginethatiftheyhaveagoodenoughreasonfordoingwrong,thatit'ssomehowlesslikelytobeviewedaswrongdoing.

AsIsay,it'slikeanotherdimension.

Effectiverevocationsrequireclearthinkingandpreciselanguage.Formostofusthatmeanswe'regoingtohavetolearnthedifferencebetweenreportingthefactsandrationalizing thefacts.Contrary toourhabituallydefensive impulses,the two are not the same and, in fact, do not even "go together." When weattempttomuffleouracknowledgementsofresponsibilitybypaddingthemwithall thegoodreasonswehadforerringinthefirstplace,ourresponsibilitygetslost.Andnotaslayerintheworldcanpossiblyhopetomoveforwardwithoutawillingnesstotakeresponsibilityforwhattheydo.

So let's go back now to our friend who said he stole money from a guybecausetheguyhaditcoming:let'sjustpretendthat,ratherthantryingtojustifyhimself,he'dbeentryingtoacknowledgeresponsibilityforhisactionsinstead.Ifthathadbeenthecase,heprobablywouldhavesaidsomethinga lotmorelikethis:

"Istoletenbucksfromthatguy."

Seetheperiodat theendofthatsentence?That'shistickettofreedom,rightthere. The secret to figuring out where to put the period (or stop talking) issimply to pay attention to the moment when we've stopped talking about

ourselves.If,inthemidstoftakingresponsibilityforwhatwe'vedoneorfailedto do, we hear ourselves talking about someone else and how muchresponsibilitytheyneedtotakeforouractions,thenit'stimetobackup,deletethepartaboutthatotherguy,andthenstartover.Thisisaboutourresponsibilityandonlyours.

Whenitcomestoacknowledgingresponsibilityforouractions,we'retheonlysubjects that count. This is true in life and also true when it comes toacknowledging the invitationswe've extended to our vampires. It is obviouslynotenoughforustosay,"Iinvitedthevampireinbecausehetrickedme,"anymorethanitisenoughtosay,"Ineverwouldhavebehavedlikesuchajerkifnotforthevampire"evenifthat'strue.

Thisisimportant.Because,really,youguys:howsickofpassingthebuckdowehave togetbeforewe finally, as a society, putour feeton thegroundandstart behaving like responsible adults instead of children trying to blameeverybodyelse for theiractions?Enough. Ifwewant tobeplayers, thenwe'regoingtohavetogetinthegame-andthatmeansallthetime,notjustwhenwe'rewinning, right? So let's go back now to our popping-in neighbor and therevocationwe're composing forher.Let's thinkabout thepartwe'veplayed inourrelationshipwithher:abouthowweinvitedherinandhowwemighthaveledhertobelievethatshewasstillwelcomelongafterweweresosickofherwewerereadytostarthidingintheshowerwhenevershecalledwhichwewouldinfacthavedone, ifonlywe'd thoughtwecouldgetawaywith it.Let's considerourinvitationtoherandwhatwemightneedtosayinordertoacknowledgeit.

Wecanbeginbyaskingourselves thesequestions (that's right; it'snotebooktimeagain!Thisisthestuffwewantinblackandwhitewherewecanseeit):

•Howdidweinvitethevampirein?Whatwordsorgesturesdidweuse?Whatwerewethinkingwhenweinvitedthemintobeginwith?Werewegenuinelyinterestedinthem,orwerewejusttryingtoliveuptosomeperceptionwehadofourselvesasbeing"thegraciousneighbor"orsomethinglikethat?

•Areweguiltyofunintentionallymisleadingourvampire?Howdidouractionsandwordsconveytothevampirethatitwasfinewithusiftheykeptcomingbackanyoldtime?Whatmessagewerewesendingwhenwestartingdroppinghintsthatwewantedtoseelessoftheminsteadofsimplyspeakingtothemfromourhearts?

Wesearchourmemoriesfortheseanswersand,asIsay,there'sagoodchancewe've already discovered many of them during the time we spent in quietcontemplationordiscussionwithourWatchers,sowemaynothavefartolook.As I said earlier: if we have taken the suggested steps up to this point, ourrevocationsreallyhavealmostwrittenthemselves.We'vegotthegoods.

If, in considering these questions, we can honestly say that our part andresponsibility really were limited to the (perhaps unrealistic) expectations wehad when we invited her in and to how we later misled her-to how, by ourbehavior,wemadeitlooklikeherdroppingoverjustanyoldtimewasfineanddandywithus;ifourself-examinationshowsusthatitwasprimarilyouractsofomissionthatgotusintotrouble,andifitwasbyfailingtospeakthetruththatwehurt not onlyourselvesbut thevampire, too, thenour amended revocationmightlooksomethinglikethis:

"WhenyoumovedinnextdoorandIinvitedyouintomyhome,Ithoughtourvisitswouldbeplanned,andthatwewouldagreetothembeforeyoucameover.Unfortunately,ithasn'tbeenhappeningthatway,andIwanttosaythatI'msorry;becauseIthinkImighthavemisledyoubyactingliketheseunplanned

visitswereokaywithme.I'dliketobeclearandhonestwithyouaboutthatnow:They'rereallynotokaywithmeandIdon'twantyoucomingoverunannounced

anymore."

Seethatpartwherethewordsareinbold?Rememberthat?That'sthegoodoldheart of the revocation we were talking about earlier. Do you see how ourhonesty concerning the role we played in this misunderstanding has not onlybroadened the truth, but softened it, too? Isn't that lovely? Isn't that just thecoolest?

Okay.It'stabletimeagain.

REVOCATIONTABLEI.I

AddingOurAcknowledgement

The addition of our acknowledgement is in bold in the last column, and itcomesrightbeforetheheartoftherevocation,asyoucansee.You'llnoticethatineachcase,theonlyfaultwe'readmittingisinmisleadingourvampiresbyourpastwordsandactions...exceptforone.Didyounoticetheexception?

Theexceptiontotheruleisthetelemarketer.Thisisbecausewhenitcomesto

telemarketers and their kin, we're going to want to take control of theconversation(i.e."Wouldyouplease takemynameoffyourcalling list?")notonly immediately but also permanently.Oncewe've established control,we'renotgoingtowant torisk losingitbyallowingthesubject tobechangedorbychangingitourselves.Whenitcomestotelemarketers,it'snecessarytoplantourfeetfirmlyandnotbemoved.

Pleaseunderstand:I'mnotsayingthat ifwepersonallyfeelweowethemanapologyorifwehaveapartinourinvitationormisleadingthemthatweneedtotake responsibility for thatweshouldn'tgoaheadanddoso:byallmeans,weshould.Eachofusknowsbestwhatpartoftheresponsibilityweshare:it'sourhouse,ourinvitation,andourpowerwe'retalkingabouthere,afterall.

My recommendation, howeveras a general ruleis to at all costs maintaincontrol of the subject when talking to these guys, and the subject (if we'rerevokingour invitation to them) is thatwewant tobe takenoff their lists.Weavoidlettingthempullalltheirsidetrackingtricks,andwetrytostayincontrol.OratleastIdo.

3. THE AMENDSWEMAY ORMAY NOTWANT TOMAKE TO OURVAMPIRE,ANDAWORDORTwoABOUTCONFESSION: I heard a guy(okay,hewasapriest,I'lladmit it)sayonetimethatwemakeamendsforourmistakessothatwemaybringthescalesofGod'sjusticebackintobalance.Callmeasap,butIcan'tthinkofabetterreason,oraprettieroneeither,formakingpeacewithmyfellowsandmyworldvampiresincluded.

It is simply not enough for us to know that we want to put an end to ourrelationship with our vampire and to then just go ahead and revoke ourinvitationstothem;wehavetocleanupanymesswe'vemadethat'sassociatedwith that vampire, too. We have to find our part in this unwholesomerelationshipwe'vebeenhaving,andthenwehavetofindourpartofthemessorimbalancewe'vecaused(ifany)intheworldbecauseofit.

Twelve-step programs are kind of famous for this: they talk about the

importance of members finding "their part" in the unhealthy or undesirablerelationships they have, and about the importance ofmaking amends for theirparticipationinthoserelationships,too.

Andit'strue:whenIliedtopeopleaboutmydrinkingandusing,whenItriedtocoverupwhereIwasgoingandwhatIwasdoing,andmostespeciallywhenthe things I did and the lies I told resulted inwhatmust have been agonizingworry for the people who loved me, it was due to my disease and myrelationshipwithalcoholanddrugs.Nodoubtaboutit.Ineverwouldhavedonethosethingswithoutthediseasedrivingmetodothem.That'sforsure.

But here's the thing:That still doesn'tmakeme any less responsible for themess I made, even if the disease was the driving force behind it. I'm stillresponsiblefortheimbalanceIcaused,andIseeitthatway,tooasanimbalanceordisorder:adisturbance,like...intheForce.That'ssuchagoodwaytothinkaboutit:asadisturbanceintheforceoranimbalanceinthescalesofjustice.

TherewerepeopleIhurtandstolefrom,therewerepeopleIwasmeanorjustplain rude to, and then there was the damage I did to their homes, theirbusinesses,andmostespeciallytherewasthedamageIdidtotheirheartsandtotheirabilitytotrustnotonlyme,butotherpeopleandthings,too.Imean,evenstrangerswereaffected:maybetheywerepeopletryingtoplayintheparkwiththeirkidsandthereIwas,intoxicatedandmakingascene,ormaybetherewerepeoplewhoselivesandthelivesofwhosechildrenIthreatenedeverytimeIwasdrinkingand thengotbehind thewheelofacar. Idon'tevenknowhowmanypeople I harmed, really, but I doknow I affected their lives.And it's like thatpriestsaid:thereisabalance-inlife,inGod'sjustice,intheForce,orwhateveryouwanttocallitandthethingsIdidwhenIwasdrinkingandusingthrewthatbalanceoff.Intermsofjustice,itjustdoesn'tmatteronebitwhetherIdidthembecauseofadiseaseornot.

Canyoujustimaginehowabsurditwouldbeformetosay,"IdidthosethingsbecauseofthediseasesoIguesstherestofyouarejustgoingtohavetosuckitup,"andthenexpectthattosettlethescoreortomakethingsright?Howwould

that put back into order the things I'd disturbed or clean up the mess? Howwouldthatrestoreanybalancetothescalesofjustice?Howwouldthatcalmadisturbance in the Force? I mean, after the earthquake, it's time to sweep thefloor and straighten the pictures, right?Wedon't just say, "Well, itwasn'tmyfault,"andthenleavethemessthere.

Once we've seen our part in how we invited our vampires in andacknowledgedasmuch inour revocations, thereare justa fewmorequestionsweneedtoanswersowecancompleteourworkwithconfidenceandintegrity(stillwhittlingthatstake,youbetcha).Theyare:

1.How,ifatall,didweharmourvampire?

2.Wasthereanywrongwecommittedagainstthemthatwejustifiedbytellingourselvestheydeserveditorhaditcomingforallthetroublethey'vecausedus?

3.Didwelietothem,gossipaboutthem,stealfromthem,orharmtheminsomeotherwaythatwe'veforgotten?Andifwedid,howspecificallyweretheyhurtandhowspecificallywillwemakereparationstothem?

Weconsiderthesesincethisisanothergravedangerweneedtobeawareofwhenwehostavampire:thatourresentmentaboutthevampirewillcauseustobehavebadlyandthenrationalizethatbadbehavior,too.Remember:tosaythatourvampireshaditcomingorthatweneverwouldhavedonethesethingsifnotfor thevampirewill not suffice.That kindof thinkingdoes nothing to restoreorder andbalance in our lives or the lives of anyone else, andwhat'smore, itreinforces thoseoldbeliefsweoncehad thatwewere strictlyvictimsand thatourvampireshadallthepower.Whichwasnonsense,ofcourse.

Therehavebeenmanytimesinmylifewhere,byjustseeingandaddingthetruthaboutmypart toa revocation, thewholeencounterhasbecomesomuchless scaryandawkward forme. It seems that there are timeswhen, insteadofsimplytellingourvampiresthetruthaboutourwantingthemout,itisbetterfor

everyoneifwetellthemthewholetruthwhichincludesthepart,ifany,thatweplayedinhowourrelationshipwiththemfailed.

Let's say that inour self-examination,we found instanceswherewe lied to,stole from,gossipedabout,or cheated thisperson.What if, in thecaseof thatneighbor,for instance,wetoldourselves thatbecauseshewassoobnoxious, itwasokayforustoaskherformoneyandnotpayitback,ortoborrowherthingsandneverreturnthem?Whatifwetookthingsfromherand"forgotaboutthem"ortoldourselvesitwasokaysinceshe"reallysortofowedthemtousanyway,"orbecausewejustplainoldhadnorespectforher?

Well,frommypointofview,thiswouldbeasituationwherewewouldTessupandpaythemoneybackorreturntheitemsthatwe(asKurtVonnegutoncesoadorablyput it) "borrowed foralleternity."Thiswouldbeacasewhere I'dwanttobalancethescalesbyreturningthemoney(withinterest,ifnecessary),ortheclothing(andifdamagedorwornoutbyuse,replacingorpayingforit).Inthisinstance,therecanbenoharmintellingourvampirethewholetruthaboutour part and doing our best to set things right. No one will be hurt or evenpotentiallyhurtbysettlinganaccountsuchasthis.

Ourrevocation,inthatsituation,mightlooksomethinglikethis(formattedforclarity;pleaseandforheaven'ssakes,donot includenumbersorodd-soundingpausesindicatingtheuseofnumbersinyourspeech):

1."ThereareacoupleofthingsIfeelhavebeenoutoforderinourrelationshipandsomemistakesI'vemadethatI'dliketocorrectnow,ifIcan."

2."1wanttotellyouthat:overthepastfewmonths/years/orthatonetime"

(When)

3."1tookthismoney/theseitems"

(What)

4.'AndnowI'dliketopayyouback/returntheitem"

(Makethesereparations)

5."Thiswaswrongofmetodo,andIapologizesincerelyforit."

6.'AnothermatterI'dliketodiscussisourrelationship:whenIfirstinvitedyouoverIimaginedwe'dseeeachotheroccasionallyandbyprioragreement,butIbelieveyouunderstooditdifferently-imaginingthatitwasfinetodropoveranytimewithoutarrangingtofirstandIwantyoutoknowthatIdonotwanttocontinuethisway.IapologizeformisleadingyoubypretendingthatitwasallrightwithmeforyoudropoverwithoutcallingfirstandnowIwanttobeveryclearwithyouaboutit."

7."It'sreallynotokaywithme,andthetruthisthatIdon'twantyoucomingoverunannouncedfromnowon."

Now, please remember this model is designed only to demonstrate theelementsthatmakeupathoroughrevocation,andthateachofusfindsourownbestwords to use. The idea here is to be clear, first about our part: for us toadmitthespecificharmwe'vedone(1,2,3),andthentopaybackthemoneyorreturntheitemsonthespot(4),andapologize(5).

Havingcovered thatpartofouramends,we thencontinuebyadmittinganyharmwe'vedoneinmisleadingthem(6),andexplainexactlywhatwewant(orusuallydon'twant)fromtheminthefuture:thisisagainwhereouroldfriendtheheartoftherevocation(7)comesin.

That'soneexample:onewhereouramendsareprimarilyofamaterialnature.Butasweknow,thereareotherharmswedotopeople,andsomeofthosewemaynotwanttobeascandidabout.Infact,thereareharmsthat,inourattempttomakeamends for them,cancauseevenmoreharmwhich isnotwhatwe'resettingouttodohere.

WhenWe Need to Acknowledge OurWrongs, but NOT to Our

Vampires

Whatif,inallourfrustrationwithourvampireoverthesemonthsoryears,we'vecomplainedtootherpeopleaboutourvampireandtheirreputationhasbeenhurtbyourwords?Isourhonestysoimperativethatwemustgotoourvampireandtellthemtheexactcontentofthegossipandallthedetailsofwhowasthereandwhatwassaid?What ifwegossipedabout themandtoldourselvesat the timethat itwasokaysince,becauseoftheirownbadbehavior, theyhaditcoming?Howwouldthatamendsfitintoourrevocation?Woulditfitatall,ordowejustsay,"Screw'em,they'revampires,"andleaveitatthat?Hmm?

Asalwaysandintheend,it'sgoingtobeourownpersonalcall,however:Idothinkaverygoodruleofthumbtofollowisthis:Weadmittoourvampireonlyasmuchaswillserveagoodpurpose.Onceourconfessionstartstoriskhurtingsomeone, even our vampire, then it's time to stop talking.We certainly don'twishtocausemoreharmbytellingthemsomethingthatwouldonlyhurt themmore.Notonlyisspillingourgutsabouteverythingineffectiveintermsofanykindofuniversalbalancewe'retryingtorecover,butitalsohasthepotentialforputting intomotion a never-ending cycle of interactionwith this person and abunchofbig,fatcomplicationsforusandotherpeople,besides.

Because what if we did tell them that we gossiped about them? Then thechancesareprettygoodthey'regoingtowanttoknowexactlywhatwassaidandtowhomandoncewerevealthatinformation,thenthey'reprobablygoingtogorushingofftothosepeopletointerrogateandbotherthem-whichcertainlyfallsinto the category of causing harm to others from where I sit. When ourconfession to the vampire has the potential to causemore trouble than itmaycure,thesmartthingtodoistosaynothing,atleasttothem.

Besides:Neverdowewanttothekindofpersonwhosays,"Ijusttellthetruthandifpeoplecan'thandleit,that'stheirproblem."Phooey.Yuck.Nev-er.Peoplewhothinkandtalkthatwaydon'thavetheslightestideawhat'sreallyhappening,andaredisconnectedinawaythat'sawfultocontemplate.

Therearesomeamendsthatarebetterleftunspoken,oratleasttothepeopleand vampireswe've offended, however, and here it comes: although there areplenty of situations where we shouldn't admit all to our vampires, we shouldprobablyadmitall tosomebody:somebodywhowillnotbeaffectedorhurt inanywaybythecontentofwhatwe'reconfessing.

CONFESSION

ThisprincipleofconfessioncomesupinStephenKing's'Salem'sLot:Whenthebandofslayersarepreparingtoslaythemastervampire,there'sapriestamongthemnamedFatherCallahanwhoinsists thateachslayermakeaconfessionoftheirsinsbeforetheygo-andIalwaysusedtowonderaboutthat.Whywouldaslayerwanttomakeaconfessionbeforefacingtheirvampires?

Then I remembered about our vampires' 20/20 night vision and how, if wehaven'tmadeaconfessionandbroughtourprivatefailingsintothelight,thenallthose vulnerabilities, weaknesses, limitations, and mistakes we've left out arejustsittingthereforourvampirestoseeandtakeadvantageof.

The trouble with confession is that if we don't do it, then we're not onlyvulnerabletothevampirewe'redealingwithtoday,butwe'realsovulnerabletoeveryotherhungrypredatorfromnowuntildoomsday.Aslongasweleaveourblindspotsandsusceptibilitiesoutthereinthedark,thenanyopportunisticn'er-do-wellcanseethemandusethemagainstusanytimetheywantto.

Formanyofus,thechoiceofconfessorwillbeourWatcherorclosestfriendsomeonewhohasexperienceandhasdonealittlevampireslayingofhisorherown. Itwill be someonewho understands our purpose andwon't be trying tomesswithouragenda.Forsomeitmightbeourpsychologist,andforothersapriestormemberoftheclergywhoknowswhatwe'redoingandwilllistenwithclosedmouths.Itwillbeourchoice,asalways-butwe'lldowelltokeepinmindthatthecandidateforthejobshouldbeneutral,andaboveallwillnotbehurtorotherwiseaffectedbythecontentofourconfession.

To put it another way, in the name of all that's sane, we do not make ourconfessiontoourparents,spouses,children,oranyoneelsewhomightbehurt.And I wish I could say that I've never heard of anyone making such anunbelievablystupidmoveasthatbefore,butIcan't.Iknewaguywhoonetimewhothought itwouldbeagoodidea tomakehisconfessiontohismother.SoI'mjustsaying:pleasethinkbeforeacting-inthiscaseespecially.

It iscrucial inwayswemaynotevenunderstand thatwesayout loudwhatwe'velearnedaboutourselvesandallwe'vekepthidden,andtosayitinfrontofanother person especially. When we've committed an offense against ourvampire like theft or character assassination orwhen it comes to thingswe'reperhapsveryashamedofanddon'twishtorepeat,awitnessorconfessor-canbeanalmostmagicalthingtohave.

Ourwitnessreaffirmsour intention tochange,andtohearourstory toldoutloud toanotherpersonhashealingpropertiessopowerfulandexponential thatthey'vebeenwellknownandpracticedinpsychology,religion,andjustplainoldhealthy relationships since just about forever. Confession is strong medicine,whichmaybewhysomanyofushesitatetotakeit.Butifweareseriousaboutourslaying,we'lldoit,andintimewemayevencometodesireit,too.

One more thought about this: while we're there with ourWatcher or otherchosenconfessoritmightalsobeagoodideatogettheirinputonthequestionofwhetherornotwehaveanymoreamendstomake.

In theexampleofgossiping, for instance,althoughwemightdecide it'sbestnot to tell the offended party of our specific offense, it could be a very goodthing to go to the peoplewe gossiped to, and to tell themwewerewrong tospeakthatwayaboutanyone,eveniftheyareavampiretous.

Butsee,thenagain,itmightnotwhichisexactlywhyit'ssuchagoodideatobouncethissortofquestionoffaWatcher,confessor,ortrustedfriendsomeonewhose had experience with and knows the principles of practical vampireslayingandofmakingamends. I thinkwhen itcomes toouramends itcanbe

difficult tosee thewholepicturealone.Weusuallyhavesomeprejudicewe'renot even aware of and it muddies our perception of the right course to take.Then,too,thereisthedangerofourbeingtoohardonourselves,whichisalsonot our purpose. Our purpose is to make peace with the God of ourunderstanding,withourselves,andwithourbrothersandsisters(whichincludesour vampires). An honest talk with another slayer or Watcher who hasexperienceandperspectivecanhelpustotakeiteasyonourselvesandchoosethebestcourse.

The same rules apply to sexual indiscretions and anyother situationswherethirdpartiesareconcerned,especiallythirdpartieswhocouldeasilybeharmedbytheoveruseofourmouthsorourmisguidedconvictionthat"weneedtomakeacleanbreastofthings."

Onceagain:wetrytothinkthesethingsthroughcarefullysothatwhenwe'redone,itispeacewe'vemade,andnotmoretrouble.

4.THATFOURTHELEMENTISAIDWASOPTIONAL

The experiences I've had with invitation revoking and vampire slaying haveaffectedmylifequiteabitmorethanIanticipated.Alloftheself-examination,truth seeking, and truth telling involved in the process has led to a change inoutlook that I reallywasn't bargaining for when I started out. All I thought Iwanted when I began was to find a way that worked to get rid of therelationshipsinmylifethatweresotroublesometome,butlikesomanyotherthings in life, the road tomydestinationwasnot as straight as I'd anticipated.Theroad,infact,wasalmostnothinglikewhatI'dimaginedatall.

OneofthesurprisesIhadafterI'drevokedmyinvitationtomyboyfriendandmadeamendsformypartinthefailureofourrelationship,wasthatIdiscovered,afewmonthslater,thatIfeltastrongdesiretothankhim.Iwantedtothankhimnotonlyforallofthegoodtimeswe'dhad,butalsoforallthestuffI'dlearnedinthetimeswe'dsharedthathadn'tbeensogood.Ijustwantedtothankhimforourrelationship,andforallthathadencompassed.

Talk about your unexpected endings: I felt gratitude.Gratitude is the fourthpossibleelementinourrevocation,andI'msureyoucanseenowwhyIsaiditwasapersonalmatter.

Ifwehavefound,inthestudyofourownheartandmaybeevenasaresultofbecoming free of this unhealthy relationship we've been having, feelings ofgratitudeforthatperson,thenIthinkit'sworthnoting,andIthinkthatitcouldevenbeworth sharingwith them. I can tellyou that inmycase ithasusuallybeen after some time has passed sincemy revocation that I begin to feel thisgratitude-and I should no doubt tell you, too, that there are times when it'sperfectly appropriate to voice that gratitude, and times when it's perfectlyinappropriate,too.Inthecaseofmyex-boyfriend,forinstance,itwasperfectlysafeand,Ifelt,appropriatetoexpress.Muchtimehadpassedsinceourbreakup,wehadbothstartedbrandnewandwonderfullivesforourselves,andIfelttherecould be no harm inmy expressingmy gratitude for all the experienceswe'dshared.

ButinthecaseofoldTed,theguywhokeptshowingupjustbeforedinner,itwasneverappropriatetoexpressmygratitude(eventhoughIdidanddofeelitandsadness,too),becauseitwouldhaveopenedthedoortohimagain.Hewasone vampire I never wanted crossing my threshold again, and I had enoughevidence in my relationship with him to know that he would always be avampire to me no matter what. To speak with him at all would have been amistake,andsoIneverdidagain.

We'll be talking somemore about gratitude and the role it plays invampireslayinginourlasttwochapters,andleavethediscussionrighthere.Ifweshouldcome to a time in our slaying journey where we feel gratitude and want toexpressit,we'llknowit;butfornow,Ijustwanttosaythatitcanhappen.Whenwewantourlivestochangeandhaveawillingnesstodoalittlework,itismyexperiencethatalmostanythingcanhappen.

Butthat's lifeforyou,especiallywhenwe'retryingnewthings: it'salwaysagoodidea,justincase,andasthesayinggoes,tohangontoourhats.

AsktheSlayer

SHAPESHIFTING

DearSlayer,

HowdoIgetridofavampireinmylifewhoiscattytomewhenwearealone,andthenallcutesyandnicewhenmyhusbandisaroundsohereallylikesher?

Andhere'swhatworriesme:DidImakeherintoavampire?

GrossedOutinNewYork

DearGrossedOut,

Talkaboutefficiencyinvampires!Itsoundslikethisonehasfoundawaytofeedonyourhusband'sattentionandonyourfrustrationatthesametime.She'sdoingsomethingweslayerscallshapeshifting.RememberhowDraculacouldturnintoabatorawolforsmoke?That'swhatshe'sdoing,too:usingthatfamouslyhandyvampirepowertoshiftshapesoshecanfeedasmuchaspossible.

Itcanbetrickygettingridofhersinceyoumightrevokeyourinvitationtoherinoneshape,andthenhavehershowuponyourdoorstepagaininanothershape,askingforanotherinvitation-andifshecatchesyouwhenyou'renotpayingattention,youmightgiveherthatinvitationshe'sseeking.Youseetheproblem.

Thesolutionistoturnthelightnotonherbutonyou.Bringyourmotiveforretainingthis"friendship"intothelightwhereyoucanseeit,andaskyourselfifthereasonyou'rekeepingheraroundisreallyworthit.Asforyour"makingher

intoavampire,"theanswerisno.Youdon'thavethepowertodothat.Onlyanothervampirehasthepowertodothat,andifyoustillhavetheabilitytoturnthelightonyourselfandlookinthemirror,you'renotoneofthose.

PVS

NoONESLAYSAVAMPIREUNLESSTHEYhave to. It's a serious, back-against-the-wall,lastresortkindofbusiness,andoneweturntoonlyaftereveryother option, including our revocations, has failed. People who slay theirvampireshavecometotheendoftheline:theyareoutofideas,strategies,andpatience-butmorethananythingelse, theyareoutofthewillingnesstheyoncehad tobehurtby theirvampires.Thescaleshave finally tipped,andwhateverbenefit theymight have receivedby staying in relationshipwith the personorthingthathasrobbedthemofsomuchhasfinallybeenoutweighed.Theblood-lossstopsnow,andforgood.

When we make the decision to slay a vampire, there is no ceremony orfanfare,thereisnoprettycostumetowearorfancystakeforustoshowoff,andalmostnoneofus feelhappyabout it.When theneighborwe'veasked to stopdroppingover refuses to comply,when thedrinkingordrugabusewemadeadecision to controlwill not begoverned,when the abusive spousewe'vebeenlivingwithhasmadeitundeniablyclearthat theywillneverstop,orwhenourownobsessivethoughtsorimpulsesareeatingusaliveandthereisnothingwecandotorestrainthem,then-ifwehaveclearlyrevokedourinvitationsandstilltheykeepcomingback-theyhave,ineffect,throwndownthegauntlet.They'vedeclaredwar,andit'stimeforustobiteback.

Knowingthatthetimetofighthascomeneverfeelsthatgreat,especiallysinceitalmostalwayscoincideswithourendof-the-lineexhaustion.Andwhileontheone hand that probably sounds depressing and not nearly as glamorous orexcitingaswemighthavehopedtheprospectofslayingwouldfeel,ontheother,onlymonstersor fools rush intowarbefore it's absolutelynecessary, andonlychildrenorterriblysickpeopleimaginethatitmightbefun.

Evenso,thepeopleI'vewitnessedslaytheirvampiresareheroesinthetruestsense: they see clearly and dowhat is necessary, even in the face of all theirworstfears.Evenwhenitmeanstheymusttaketheirnextstepintowhatappearstobethinair,theygoon-andguesswhat?Thegroundmaterializesbeneaththeirfeet,everytime.

ThetruestandmostbeautifulwordsI'veeverheardusedtodescribethewayitfeels to go to war with a life-threatening vampire came from a recoveringalcoholicIheardaboutwhooncesaid,"I'manalcoholic,andneitherproudnorashamed."

Thisispreciselytheattitudeweneedtoacquire,notonlyaboutourvampires,butalsoaboutourselves.Weneedtoseebothforwhattheyreallyare,nomore,noless,andwithoutprideorshamecloudingourvision.Althoughwemayfeeltired or beaten even beforewe start, ifwe hold this attitudewe'll discover aninnerstrengthweneverevenguessedwasthere,asourceofpersonalpowerthatwillkeepusonthepathwe'vechosen-which,forus,istheonetofreedom.

Therearetwotypesofvampiresthatqualifyforslaying:thefirstarethosethatthreatentodestroyourpeaceofmindifwecontinuetostayinrelationshipwiththem,andthesecondarethosethatthreatentodestroyourlivesifwecontinuetostayinrelationshipwiththem.

ThoseWhoThreatenOurPeaceofMind

In this first group we find people like a neighbor who, in spite of ourrevocations,stillwon'tstopaskingifshecanleaveherkidswithus,dropoverunannounced,orborrowthingsall thetime.Theyarepeoplelikethecoworkerwe've asked to stop talking while we're trying to concentrate at work, thetelemarketerwe'veaskedtostopphoningusentirely,andthatguyorgalwhoseflirtationwithushascrossedthelinefrombeingsweetandfuntobeingpushyandalittledisgusting.

When we issue clear and well-timed revocations to these people or theirspecificbehaviorsandarerebuffed, it tellsuswe'redealingwithapersonwhodoesn'tunderstandfreewill,andsimplycannotcomprehenditwhenweexplainthat we intend to exercise ours, and we want to either change or end ourrelationshipswiththem.Bytheirrefusal,theyaretellingustheyintendtofightnotforwhatistheirs,butforwhatisoursandthattheyseriouslymeantodisputeourrighttorunourownlives.Itwouldbefunny,really,ifitweren'tsuchapainand although we can be pretty sure that their continued talking, borrowing,calling,andflirtingwon'tkillus,wecanbeprettysure,too,thatit'snotabouttostop.Notwithoutalittlemorehelpfromus,it'snot.

ThoseWhoThreatenOurLives

Theconsequencesofallowingthissecondgrouptocontinueastheyhaveareofcoursemuchmoresevere,andifnothingchangeswilleventuallykillus.Theseinclude the physically and emotionally abusive partners, spouses, relatives, or

friendswhohurtusandrefusetostop.Theyaretheaddictionstoalcohol,drugs,shopping,over-andunder-eating,gambling,or anythingelse thatdominatesusandwecannotcontrol.Theyarethecompulsivethoughtsorbeliefswehavethattortureus,andthatwecannotrestrainnomatterhowhardwetry.

Thedamagetheydoinourlivesisexponentialandapparenttoalmostanyonewho seesus.Evena five-year-oldcan seeablackeyeanddetect the fear thatlives behind it, and even a total stranger can smell alcohol and guess what'sgoingonwhenwe'reunabletostandupstraightortospeakwithoutslurringourwords. Ifwe thinkwe'rekeepinga secret,onceagain,we'vegotanother thinkcoming.

This deadly breed of vampire bringswith it legal, financial, emotional, andphysicalproblems thataffectnotonlyus,butalsoour familiesand lovedoneswhichsadlyandformanyofus,includeourchildren.Throughwhathasfeltlikenearlyendlesstrialanderror,we'vediscoveredthatwedonotpossessthepowertoinfluencethesepeopleorthings,nordowehavethestrengthtoclosethedooronthem.

Asbelievers in the insatiabilityof thevampire'sappetite,weknowtheywillneverstopuntilthereisnothingleft,andasrecipientsofthegiftoffreewill,wealsoknowthatthedecisiontoevictthempermanentlyfromourlivesbelongstous.Itisinourhands,apartofthefreewillwe'vebeengrantedwiththedeepestlovethereisandbytheultimateWatchertheverysameOnewhowillrestoreustofreedomfromourvampires,ifwe'rewillingtotakethatchance.

Vampireslayingisofcoursemoreinvolvedthanrevokinganinvitation,andthatmaybeone reasonsomanypeoplechoose tocontinue livingwith theirs: theyassumetheprocessofslayingavampiretakessomeworkandthey'rerightaboutthat.Itdoes.

Therearefourelementstosuccessfulvampireslaying.Theyare:

1.Anhonestwillingnesstoaskforandreceivehelp

2.Anewandspecificplanforlivingwithoutthevampire

3.Commitment

4.Power

Let'stakeacloserlookatthese,oneatatime.

WillingnessandHonesty

For many of us, having a problem like domestic abuse or addiction can besomething we're ashamed of. This is a result of misunderstanding, of course:there is absolutely no shame at all in the love we have for anyone-even ourabusers. There is no shame in the hopewe have that theymight change, andnone in the fact thatweputupwith theirabuseas longaswedid.Eachofusdoeswhatwefeelwehave tountilwe'refinishedwith it,andanypersonwhosays otherwise or dares to criticize our timing has never looked closely in amirrorandstudiedtheirownreflection.

Asfarasouraddictionsgo,too,thereisnoshameincontractingadisease,andnomatterwhatthenatureofouraddictionis, it'salwaysadisease.Thereisnoshameinhavingadiseasethathastorunitscourse,andnoshameinhavingtodo what we do until we're done with it, either. Again, anyone who says

otherwiseandfeelsinapositiontojudgeusiseitherblindoraskingfortroubleprobablyboth.

Still,forsomanyofusthatshameexists,andexistssopowerfullythatitstopsusfromlettingotherpeopleknowthetruthaboutourillnessandaskingforhelp.Rememberwhat that guy said about "beingneither ashamednorproud?"Thatshamewefeelispartofwhathewastalkingabout-thepartweneedtoletgoof.

Willingness to ask for help, formost of us, is born of necessity.When ourideasandenergyhaveexpiredandwe'vegotnothingleft, that'swhenweopenfirst our minds, and then our address books and the yellow pages: we call afriend,adoctor,theclergy,alovedone,orwefindaWatcher:someonewhohasexperience with our problem, knows a solution, and will be able to help andsupportus.Whenwe'rejuststartingout,wemightbeginwithourbestfriendorpersonwetrustmost,andaskthemtoassistusinfindingthehelporspecialistweneed.Themostimportantthingatthispointisourconfidenceinthisperson:thatwefindsomeoneweknowhasourbackandwillnottrytotakeoverorruntheshow;someonewe'resurewon'trushouttotellotherpeopleorinanywaydramatizeoursituation,butwhowillinsteadsimplyassistusinfindingourownpath.

Honesty iscrucialat thispoint, sowhenwe tellourstory towhomeverwillhelpus,wedoourbesttobehonestandthorough.Wetellthedoctor,counselor,group, organization, or specialist we've found the whole truth about what'shappeningtous,evenif it isuncomfortable.Remember:we'recomingintothelight andwewant to be as specific as we can, giving our trusted helpers theclearestpicturepossiblesothehelptheyleadustowillbethebestfittheycanfind.

The next part is a little trickier, though, because after we've described oursituationandaskedforhelp,wethenhavetobewillingtoreceivethehelpwe'veaskedforandtherearetimeswhenourpridegetsinthewayofthat.Sometimeswe'llhearapartofuswhisperingthatwestillknowbetterthantheydo,andwerevisetheiradvicetosuitourselves.

Wecandothatifwewant,butlet'snotconourselveswhilewe'redoingit:ifwerevisetheplan,wewon'tbereceivingthehelpwe'veaskedfor itwillhavebeentransformed,andthat'swhyIsaythispartcanbesotricky.Heavenknowsit'shardtogivethereinsovertoanotherperson,especiallywhenwe'retryingtoget out from under the control of a vampire. Having recently suffered thedamagethatcomeswithhavingavampirerunourlives, it'snotsoeasytojustjump inand trust someoneelse todo it.This iswhywechoosecarefully, andwiththehelpofsomeonewhocaresforus:sowecantrustandreceivethehelpthat's given. If we don't. I'm afraid all we'll have done is asked for help andrejectedit,andwe'llendupfeedingthesameoldvampirealloveragain.

The nice thing here is that if we really do take their advice, then we'veprobablyadoptedour first realWatcher theonewhoknowsallabout thisnewpathwe'reonandwillwalkitwithus,andthat'sagoodthing,becausethenit'sofficial:notonlywillwebeinthelight,butalsoandfromnowon,wewon'tbealone.

Ifyouaresounfamiliarwithhowitfeelstobewillingandwonderingifyou'rereallyreceivingthehelpyou'veaskedfor(haveIbeenthere?Yes,Ihave),therearesomecluesinyourbehavioryoucanwatchfor:

•Whenyoufindyourselfnolongerpondering,considering,orpromisingtotaketheadviceyou'veaskedfor.

•When,insteadofdoingallthatthinkingandmakingabunchofpromisesaboutwhatyou'llbewillingtodotomorrow,youfindyourselfactuallydoingthosethingstoday,that'saverygoodsign.Dependingonyoursituation,itcouldbeamilliondifferentthings:butwhetherit'skeepingintouchwithotherslikeyourselfwhoarelookingforhelp,orgoingtomeetingsorappointmentsdesignedtohelpyou,takingwalksormeetingfriendsforcoffeewhateveritis,andmuchtoyoursurpriseyoufindyourselfdoingit,it'sprobablyprettysafetosayyou'rebothwillingtoreceiveandreceivingthehelpyou'veaskedfor.

•Whenwhatyou'redoingfeelssonewitremindsyouoflearninghowto

•Whenwhatyou'redoingfeelssonewitremindsyouoflearninghowtowalkorrideabikeforthefirsttime,thenyou'llknowforsure.Whenyoufeellikethat,it'sthestrongestproofyou'lleverget:you'llfeelitinyourheart,andyoumightbesoexcitedthatyoucanhardlystandit.Butyoucan.It'sjustthatsometimesfeelinggreatcantakealittlegettingusedto,that'sall.

Whenwe'reseekinganewandspecificplanforlivingwithoutouroldunhealthyrelationships, we're acknowledging that this person or problem has actuallybecome away of life to us, and evenwhen the problem is one as seeminglyminorasaneighborwhosehabitshavebeendrivingusalittlenuts,westillneedaplanforhowtokeepheroffournecksforgood.

When it comes to those bigger vampires, though, we're obviously going toneedabiggerplan,butlet'sstartwithourplanforthatfirstgroup:thoseminorvampireswhostealourpeaceofmind.

BitingBack:OurSmallerVampires

Neighbors, coworkers, friends, businesses, lovers, and spouses who refuse toacknowledgeour revocationsare fairlyeasy todealwith, andourplan isverysimple:Wepreparefortheirnextvisitbycomposingamorepowerfulrevocationthistime,andthisoneisgoingtostick.

Revocations that fail, as we know, do so because the vampire in questiondoesn't takeourwill seriously.As far as they'reconcerned,whatwewantandwhat our will is doesn't matter. "Who cares what you want?" is what they'rereallyaskingbytheirrefusals,andyouknowwhat?Iftheyreallywanttoknowwho cares what we want, then maybe we should tell them. Maybe whatsomebody elsewants-someonemore powerful than justwe-will get his or herattentionandmakeourpoint.

Takeforinstanceacoworkerwhomwe'vealreadyspokentoaboutthevolumeon his radio or his constant interruptions while we're working. When ourrevocationhasfailed,whenthisclown'sradiocontinuestoblareandhisvisitstoourcubicledon'tstop,thenweneedtolookformorepower.Atwork,we'llfindthat power sitting-where else? Right in our boss's nice, expensive chair, ofcourse.

Webeginbyaskingourmanagerorsupervisor ifwecanhaveamomentofher time, because always remember: timing is important.Wemust always bemindfulofherscheduleandwhenit'sconvenientforhertolisten,orshemightnotwant tohelpus.She'snotgoing tobe in themood to lendahand ifwe'rebotheringher about itwhile she's busy: it pays tobepatient and it pays tobesmart-westrivetobeboth.

Whensheindicatesshe'savailable,weexplaintheproblem.Wetellheraboutthestepswe'vealreadytakentotryandsolveitourselves,thatthey'vefailed,andthatwenowfeelweneedtoaskforherhelp.Weseeifitwouldbeallrightwithher if, the next time he bothers us we refer him to her. When this is donecorrectly, most people-our bosses included will be happy to help. When sheagrees,it'snolongerjustamatterwhatourwillis,nowit'salsoamatterofwhathersis,yousee?Nowwe'vegotmoreteeth,andsharperones,atthat.

Thenexttimeheinterruptsusorplayshisradiotooloudly,weconfronthim:we start by reminding him of our revocation and point out that he's notcomplyingwithit.Ifhedecidesatthatpointthathewantstoarguewithusaboutit,weverycalmlypreventthatbycuttinghimoff(inmid-sentenceifnecessary),and then referring him to our employer. While our revocation and what wewantedclearlymeannothingtohim,thechancesarehe'llfindmoremeaninginwhatouremployer'sdesiresareandwhatshewants.

Ihavetotellyou:thereisnothingaseffectiveasaclearstatementofourwillplusadashofextrapowertogetavampiremoving.Thesameequationwouldapply to an ex-boy-or-girlfriendwho has ignored ourwill to break it offwiththemandcontinuestocometoourdoor,callonourphone,andshowupinthemost surprising and strangest places (like when when we find ourselves"accidentally"runningintothemeverysingledayatthestore,thepostoffice,arestaurant,orinourrearviewmirrors)almosteverydaysinceweendedit.Heretoo,wewouldhandleournextencounterbyprovidingthemwithaperfectechoofouroriginalrevocation,andbypointingoutthattheyarefailingtohonortheoriginal.

At this stage,we'llwant tobepreparedbecause,asyou recall,vampiresareprettybigfansofengagement.Theyliketokeeptheconversationrolling,evenifit has to be an argument.Rather than listening to all the good reasons they'regoingtogiveusaboutwhytheirstalkingandaccidentalmeetingswithuswerejustified,orgettingintoadebateaboutthe"rights"theyevidentlyfeeltheyhaveoverourtimeandourliveswestop.Wecutthemoff,andsimplyexplainthatiftheydonotcomplywithour request, theycanbesurewe'llbe takingstrongermeasurestomakesuretheydofromnowon.

Hereagain,clarityaboutourwillalonewasnotenoughtomovethevampireback over our threshold, but I'll bet that getting a warning from a cop or arestrainingorderfromthecourtswillbe.Ithinkit'sprettysafetosaythatwhenour first revocations are not enough, that: Clarity ofWill + Extra Power =AMuchMoreEffectiveRevocation.

Get the process? If someone is hassling you in school, talk to a teacher orprincipal; if it's a neighbor bothering you, add more family members orhousemates to the "power" of your equation. If the trouble is at your localswimmingpoolorclub, talk to security, thedirector,or administrator there. Ifit'satelemarketer,asktospeaktotheirsupervisor,andif theirsupervisor'snotthere,asktospeaktothatsupervisor'ssupervisor,andsoon.I'vedoneit,andsocanyouandbytheway,ifsomeoneisbotheringyourepeatedlyatabar,talktothe bartender, and if that doesn't work, you may need to explain that if theyreally can't hear you, you can easily call a patrol car and check to see if thepoliceareanymoreaudibletothem.Makeyourrevocationclear,andaddallthepowerittakes,onelevelatatime,untilthevampirestops.

BitingBack:FatalVampires

Ifwewanttochange,we'regoingtoneedhelpwhichmeansthatthelastplaceanyofusneedstobewhenwe'reseekingthisnewwayoflifeisaloneandinthedark.Frankly,we'rejustbeggingtobefoundbysomeothervampirewhenwedothat, and there's no way around it: we're just going to have to knock that"isolating"crapoff.Ifwe'reseriousaboutourfreedom,wehavetogetintothe

light and find other people there who understand exactly what we're goingthroughandcanhelp.AndyoumustbelievemewhenItellyou:thesepeopleareeverywhere.

Somuchofwhatinfluencesthepathwe'lldecidetotakedependsonthenatureof the vampire and our individual experiencewith it. If we're strugglingwithdrug abuse, we'll want to find drug addicts who are having success in theirrecovery;ifwe'restrugglingwitheatingdisorders,we'llwanttofindagroupofpeople in a program of recovery that's working for them, and join them.Whateverourtroubleshavebeen,wefindotherpeoplewhohavestruggledwiththesamethingsandhavenotonlysuccessfullyevictedthem,butarealsolivinghappily in their success. If we find someone who says they've been free ofwhateveraddictiontheyhadfor30yearsbutwhoisclearlymiserable,swearsallthetime,onlylaughsatmeanorhorriblethings,anddoesn'tseemtohavealotoffriends,well,unlesswewant toendup like them,we'llprobablywant tokeeplooking untilwe find someonewho is both free of the addiction and living agood,happylife.

Thesolutionwe'reseekingshouldshowproofthatitworksinthepeoplewhoare using it, and I don't mean to imply that everyone there will be feelingwonderful everyminute.Let'sbe reasonable: they're atmeetingsorgroups forthe same reason we are, which of course is that we're unwell and need help.Evenso,thereshouldbeatleastoneortwopeopleinthegroupwhohavebeenfollowingtheirpathofrecoveryandaregenuinelyhappy,peaceful,andfreeoftheiraddictionandthat'sright,youguessedit:thosearethepeopleyoufollow.

Whenyoufindmembersofthegroupwhoarelivingthekindoflifeyou'dliketobelivingandhavethekindofrecoveryyou'dliketohaveforyourself, thenhere'swhatyoudo:youaskthemhowtheydidit.Askthemtohelpyou,andifitfeelsrighttoyou,askthemtobeyourWatcher,too.Byjoiningagroup,findingaconfidantandmentortohelpyoufindyourway,andbyfollowingapaththat'sclearlyworkingforothers,notonlywillyoufindfreedom,butyou'llalsohavelivingreminders,anytimeyouwantthem,ofthefact thatyouarenotalone.Intimeandifyouarewilling toriskdoingwhat it takes toget it,youwill feela

senseofbelongingnotonlyinthegroup,butabsolutelyeverywhereyougo.

I'mnotkidding.

In my case with alcoholism, which is surely deadliest vampire I've everfought, Ineeded to findanewwayof livingwithoutalcohol. It'sone thing toremove a vampire, but it's another to livewithout it, and sincemywhole lifecenteredaroundmyvampire-bywhichImeanthealcoholanddrugsInaturallyneeded to find new way of living without it. The fact was that I hadn'texperiencedmuchlivingwithoutdrugsoralcoholpasttheageof15orsowhichmeantthatbythetimeIwas36yearsoldandfacingtheprospectoflivingcleanand sober, I had to admit and truly believe that I needed help. That's a lot ofyearstolivewithanaddictionatthehubofyourlife,andIhadalotofevidenceto prove I needed help by the time I stopped. I didn't doubt it. As the titularcharacter of Jane Eyre so aptly said, I'd have had to have been "strangelyincredulousifIdiddoubtit."

That'sthewayitiswiththesereallytoxicvampires,though:ifwelivedwiththemforaverylongtime,nomatterhowawfultheywere,thenotionoflearningtolivewithoutthemisstillprettyfrightening.Ifwe'reveryblessed,though,atacertain point the prospect of continuing to live the vampire is even morefrighteningthantheprospectofhavingtolearntolivewithoutit.Andthat'sourmoment.Thatisoursacredmoment:theonethat,ifwe'rewillingtoreceivethegiftofclarityifoffers,westartrunninglikeheckforhelp.

We know in our hearts where we need to go for that help: if we're beingabused,weknowtoseekashelterforvictimsofdomesticabuse,acounselor,orofficialwhowill takeus towherewecanget thehelpweneed; ifwewant toquitsmokingandcan't,weknowtoseeadoctorwhowillhelpus;ifwewanttoputanendtotheslaveryofouraddictions,weknowtofindspecialistsorgroupsthathaveexperienceandsuccesswithovercomingouraddiction,andsoon.Andthenthere'sonemorething.

Ibelieve thatsometimes, if thecommunityorgroup thatoffers tohelpus is

one that we've sworn we would never go to no matter how awful our livesbecame; if it is a system, organization, person, or authority thatwe've alwaysdisliked or rejected, then as strange as itmay sound-thatmight be exactly theplace,system,person,orcommunity that'sgotournamewrittenallover it,bywhichImeanthatitcouldbetheonewemostneed.Notalways,certainly,butsometimes,yes:itreallydoesseemtoworkthatway.ForsomereasonIcannotunderstand,thisresistancewehavecanbeagreatdiviningrod,pointingstraighttowhereweleastwant,andmostneed,togo.

Commitment

Commitment is much simpler than you might imagine, and if you think I'mgoingtotellyounowthatyouhavetomakeapromise,signedinblood,thatyouwillnever,everletyourvampireinagain,you'rewrong.That'snothowitworks.

Commitmentisathingwedoonedayevenonemomentatatime,andifyouwant toknowwhetherornotyou're committed to this path to freedomyou'vechosen,thenthereisonlyonequestionyouneedaskyourself:"DoIwanttostayonthispathtodayjustfortoday?"Iftheanswerisyes,thenthat'sallyouneedtoknow.You'vemadeapromisefortoday,andit'senough.Exactlyenough.

Let's say, though, thatyoudon't feel committedbutyou trulywishyoudid.Let'ssayyouwanttobecommittedtoleavingadangerousrelationshipyou'rein,but you're too afraid. There's a simple cure for that: you ask theGod of yourunderstandingtogiveyouthestrengthtohelpyoutobewillingwhenthetimeisright then just keep asking until the willingness comes. You'll know when itdoes, and there's just one more thing I'd better warn you about: Look out,because thisworks.When it comes toprayers forwillingness,youcanalwayscountongettingwhatyouaskfor.

Now,what ifwearewillingandfeelcommittedfor thatdaytowhatwearedoing: let's say we've left an abusive relationship, and it's been going alongprettywell for thepast twoweeks,but thensuddenly, inonemoment,wefindourselves inapanic?Suddenlywe'renot sure thatwe'redoing the right thing,

andourfearsanddoubtscomepouringin:Whatwerewethinkingwhenweleft?Howdidweevergettalkedintothisnewlife?Howdidweevergetthisfarfromhome?Whatwerewe-nuts?Isittoolatetogoback?Whatshouldwedo?

When every doubt and fear we've ever had comes screaming at us withoutwarningandweareno longersurewefeelcommitted,here'swhatwedo:Wecloseoureyesandrememberexactlywhatitwouldbeliketobebackhomewithourabuser.Weimaginejusthowitwouldfeel tobe therewith themright thissecond.We see and smell the house;we remember every detail, and imaginewhatwewouldbedoingifwewerethereatthatverymoment.Whenwecanseethepictureandfeelthefeeling,thenweopenoureyes.Welookaroundatwherewe'resittingrightnow,andwhenwe'vegotourbearings,weaskourselvesthisonesimplequestion:"IfIcouldbethere,backwithmyabuser,rightthissecond,wouldIwanttobe?OrwouldI,justforthismoment,ratherbehere?"

Ifouransweristhatwe'dratherbewherewearenow,we'reascommittedasweneedtobe:thisisonedayandoftenonemomentatatime,andwemustn'tworryaboutwherewethinkwemightwanttobetomorrow.Tomorrowwilltakecareofitself.Andthat'sapromise.

Power

We'vetalkedalreadyaboutsomeofthekindsofpowerwehaveatourdisposal,butnow it's time to tell youhow I really see thosepowers.Frommypointofview, all the help that shows up in our lives the friends, the counselors, thestrangerswhosmileatusfornoreasonwhenwemostneedit,thesunshinethatbrightensourmood,theknowledgethatothersarewillingtosharewithusallofthisandmoreissimplylove.Whenyougetrightdowntoit,thatloveistherealvampireslayer.Itisthelightandthetruth,thecompassionandtheintegritythatno vampire can bear to live in the presence of.And that'swhywe seek thosethings:becausetheyareallthe"piece"or"peace"astheysay,"ofGod."

Isaidearlier that there issomethinginsideus thatmakesusmove-andthat'spower.Ialsosaidthattherewassomethingelseinsidethattellsustomovethis

wayratherthanthat,whichisguidance.AndI'lltellyounow:Ibelievethatbothofthosethingsarelove-theyareGod,asIunderstandGod,whichisLove.AndTruth.AndJustice-infact,Godisallof thosethingswetalkedaboutwhenwetalkedaboutourquestforfreedom.Thereisnodoubtinmyheartthatthepowerwereceivewhenweaskforhelpislove,andthatifwefollowwherelovetakesusinthislife,we'llgetexactlywhereweneedtogo.

AsktheSlayer

FIRSTMYBROTHER,NowME

Slayer,

AllmylifeI'vetriedtohelpmybrotherwithhisvampires:hisdepressionandnegativeself-talk.Nowitseemsthevampirehasgottenholdofmethevampirebeingmyneedtorescuemybrother.Canyouhelp?

Signed

WorriedintheWoods

DearestWorried,

Thismaysoundhard,butwecan'tmakeotherpeoplewellbygettingsickourselves,andtryingtoprythevampireoffsomeoneelse'sneckissuretodojustthat:makeussick.Thisvampirehasplentyofappetiteforbothofyou,andcantakeonyouandtherestofyourfamilyifyoudon'tgetoffthemenuquick.

Oneofmyfavoriteprinciplesofpracticalvampireslayingis:

"IfIdidn'textendtheinvitation,thenitisnotminetorevoke."

Asarecoveringalcoholic,Icantellyouthatnooneelsecouldmakethedecisionformetogetwell.Thatwasmyvampire,andmydecision.Andasyousay,thisisyourvampirenow,andyourdecisiontomake.

Ifeelyoushouldfindpeoplewhohaveexperiencewithyourproblemandhavegottenfreeofit.Participationin12-stepgroupsisgreatforthat,butnottheonlyway.Theyworkforme,andIdobelievetheexperiencedteacherisbest:theoryandspeculationdoesn'tcutitwithvampires.Lookforrealpowerlikethekindwefindintheexperienceandloveofothers.

PVS

EVERYNOWANDTHEN IGETA chance to notice how I'm not the samepersonIusedtobe.ThankGod.

AcoupleofdaysagoIwasdrivinghomealonefromthestorewithaweekortwo'sworthofgroceriespiledintothebackofthecarandimaginingwhatitwasgoingtobelikewhenIgothomeandstartedtryingtohaulallthatstuffintothekitchen...andhownoonewouldcometohelpme.

At first I did the usual: I indulged in a masochistic daydream of how mydaughter, her friend who was visiting, and my husband would all have theirshoesoffandbedoinglazythingswhenIwalkedinhaulingallthosegroceries-andhowtheywould thereforebeoblivious tomystruggles.SoIstarted togetmadaboutthisthingthatwasn'trealandhadn'tevenhappenedyet.Thenyearsofslayertrainingstoppedme.

I reached intomy coat pocket, pulled outmy cell phone, and called home.Whenmydaughteranswered,ItoldherIwasplanningtobehomeinaboutfiveminutesandaskedherifshe,herfriend,andherdadwouldn'tmindputtingtheirshoesonsotheycouldhelpmebringallthosebagsinside.

Thatwasfinewithher.

WhenIdroveup,theycameoutandhelpedmebringeverythingin.Infact,Istayedinsideandstartedputtingthingsawaywhiletheyfinished,andwhenwewere done and I'd given my daughter and her friend some lunch (a treat I'd

brought them fromSubwayTM), I asked themwhich theywanted to dowhentheywerethrougheating:totakeourlittlecairnterrier,Agatha,outforawalk,ortogiveherabath.Isaidthatwhicheveronetheydidn'twanttodo,Iwould.

Soaboutanhour later IgaveAgatha,anicewarmbathbut first Igot todowhatIwanted,whichwastowrite.Insteadofspendingtherestofmydaymadbecauseeveryonehad ignoredmewhen I came inwith thegroceries and theyhadn'tbeenable to readmymind, Iwasenjoyingmyself,writing, andnooneelsewasworriedorconfusedorupsetortryingtofigureoutwhyIwasactingsonastysinceI'dcomebackfromthestore,becauseIwasn'tconfusinganyone,andIwasn'tactingnasty.

Iwanttotellyou,there'salotoffreedominthatforme.ThereasonitcametomethattherewasanotherwaytohandlethatsituationisthatI'vebeenpracticingtheseslayerprinciplesforawhilenow,andmostofthetimeI'dratherfeelhappyand free than miserable and right. Little by little and with practice, this hasslowlybecomeapartofwhoIamandawayoflifeforme-probablybecauseIlikefeelinggoodinsteadofbad,andstickingtothisplanI'velearnedabouthowtohandlemyvampiresworkssowellthatIactuallyremembertodoitmostofthetime.It'saPavlovianthing.

It'snice,thislivinginthelight,andit'sgotmethinkingaboutthethingsIdotokeepmyselfthereasmuchaspossiblesoIcansharethemwithyou.IknowwhatthefirstandmostimportantthingIdois:It'stokeepaskingforhelpfrommy friends,Watchers, and community, and tomake sure I'mavailable togivehelpbacktothemwhentheyneedit,too.

Sharing our vampire slaying stories, both the victorious and the not sovictorious,isoneofthemostpowerfulwaystostayinthelightthatIknowof.WhenIremembertoaskmyfriendsorWatchersforhelp,Igetachancetohearmystoryoutloud,andbyhavingtomakeitcleartosomebodyelsewhat'sgoingonwithme,Imakeitcleartomyself.OnceI'vefoundthatclarity,Icaneitherdosomethingaboutitorjustacceptitandletitgo.EvenwhenIknowalltherules,evenwhenI'mwillingtotakeresponsibilityformyinvitationsandevenwhenI

knoweverythingthereistoknowaboutvampiresandvampireslaying,lifecanstill kick my butt so hard sometimes I can hardly get out of bed. In fact,sometimesI'mluckyifIcangetasfarasthetelephoneormycomputerandthencallorwriteafriendforhelp,ifyouwanttocall thatluck.Youmightwanttocallitgrace-orImight.

But talkabout therules: there'soneforyou.NomatterhowwellequippedImaythinkIam,there'snowayI'mgoingtokeepgoingwithouttheloveandhelpofmyfriends.Learningtherulesandtryingtopracticethemhelpsimmensely,butit'snotnearlyenoughifweisolate-neithergivingnorreceivinghelp.Whenwehear from friendswhoarehavingabad timewith theirownvampires,wehave an opportunity to search our memories for what worked for us in theirsituation,andtoofferthemloveandsupport,too.Andweallknowwhobenefitsmostfromhelping:it'salwaysthehelper.Wejustcan'tlose.

Sothat'sanotherwaytostayinthelight:bysharingexperienceandtryingtobethereforourfriendsandfellowslayers.

WhenIwasakid,nooneevertaughtmehowtofindaGodthatwaspersonaltome.Iwenttochurchhereandthereforafewyears,butnooneeversuggestedthatarelationshipwithGodwaslikeanyotherrelationshipImightwanttohave:that I had to start sharing myself with that person and listening for theirresponses if Iwanted toknow thembetter.Thatwas something Ihad to learnhowtodofromfriendsandWatchersandbyjustplaindoingitmyself.IhadtostartmyrelationshipwithaGodIdidn'tknowanythingaboutthesamewayIdidwithanyoneelse:IhadtostrikeupaconversationandseewhatGodhadtosay.

DidIevertellyouwhatthefirstWatcherIeverhad-theAmazingCatherine-toldmeIshouldtrytodoifIwantedtogetwellfromalcoholism?ShesaidthatIshouldeverysinglemorningandnomatterwhat-askaGodIhadabsolutelynoconceptionoftohelpmestaycleanandsoberforthatday.

SherecommendedthatIsay,"Pleasekeepmecleanandsober today,"everymorning and then I was supposed to thank this God I didn't even know forkeepingme sober at the end of every day, too. She said she didn't care that Ididn'tknowwhoorwhatIwasprayingto,andshedidn'tcarewhetherIbelieveditornot-saiditwasn'timportant.Shesaidtojustdoit,andbecauseIwasalittleshort on good ideas ofmy own in those days, Iwent ahead and followed herdirections.

What Ididn'tknowback thenwashow, indoing thatone little thing, IwasinitiatingarelationshipwithaGodIdidn'tknow.Itwasjustlikeinthe6thgradewhen therewasanewgirl in school Iwanted toknowbetter: I started talkingwithhertoseewhatshe'dsayandhowshe'dact.Itwasaverypracticalpieceofadvice Catherine gave me, because what she really supplied me with was anopening line: a question I could ask so I could get to knowGod better. Thequestionshe'dgivenmewas,"Wouldyoupleasehelptokeepmesobertoday?"and over time I realized God's response was, "You bet." It must have been,becauseIstayedcleanandsober.

Thatwasa lotof information togatherabout thischaracter. It toldmea lotaboutthenatureofGodandthepoweroflove,abouthowcloselyGodlistens,nomatterwhatIbelieveordon'tbelieve-andoneotherthing:ittaughtmehowreadyandwaitingthisGodwasformetostarttalking.

Rightnow.

Everyone knows about garlic and vampires. It reminds me of some oldhousehold cure that's been handed down for generations or something, likechickensoupforcolds.Ibetyoucouldevencallyourmomrightnowandaskherwhattotakeforavampire,andshe'dsay,"Garlic.Lotsofgarlic."

So what's the story with garlic anyway? Old Father Callahan in StephenKing's 'Salem'sLot suggests itmight be an allergy vampires have to it, and Icertainlylikethesoundofthat.It'ssomethingwecanallrelateto,anyway.Mostofushaveexperiencewithallergiesorthingsthatwefeeladefiniteneedtostayawayfrom,likemewithmildewedtowelsorthosehomecraftingprojectspeopledo.Everyone'sgotsomethingthatgivesthemtheshivers-butwhenitcomestovampiresandgarlic,theeffectseemstobeunusuallystrong.

There'saclue tosolving thismysteryaboutvampiresandgarlicatour localhealthfoodstores.That'swhereIfoundmyfirstclue,anywayonthelabelofagarlic supplement there.Among themanyother benefits this fabulous producthastoofferus,thereisthis:

"Garlichaslongbeenknowntobeanexcellentbloodpurifier."

That'stheonewe'reinterestedin,rightthere:thatgarlicpurifiestheblood.

Now,justhangontothatthought,pleaseandthenjuxtaposeitwiththisone:Thereisascenein 'Salem'sLotwherethemastervampire,Barlow,isshootingthebreezebeforedinnerwithhisnextvictim.Barlowhasanenormousegoandis kind of a blabbermouth besides, and he seems to be hypnotizing this guybeforehesinkshisfangsintohimsohecangetthe"o.k."beforehedoes,don'tyouknow(there'salwaysaninvitationfirst-always).

Barlowisgoingonabouthowmuchhe'senjoyinghisstayin'Salem'sLot,andhestartstogetsocarriedawaywithhimselfthatprettysoonhe'sevenexplaining

tothispoorguyaboutwhatitisintheresidents'bloodhelovessodearly.Here'swhathesaysandI'mparaphrasing,Ihopemoreorlesscorrectly:

"...theirbloodisfilledwiththeofthekindofhatredanddarknesssoessentialtothestrengthofthevampire."

So it is this"hatredanddarkness" in thebloodof thevampire'svictims thataccountsforthisextraordinaryabilityithasto ...refresh:tosatisfyanddelightthevampire.Isn'tthatjustfun?

It reminds me of when I was living in Alaska and it was time (as localvernacular had it) to "get amoose," because that's when I found out that theflavorofthemeatdependedalotonwhattheanimalhadeaten.Ifpickingswereslim that year and themoosewas forced to live on needles and branches, themeatwasn't expected to taste very good.The relationship betweenwhat it ateandhowgoodittastedhadneveroccurredtomeatallbeforeIlearnedthatbutnow, of course, it makes perfect sense. And I'm sure you can see where I'mgoingwiththis,becausehowdidthatgoagain?Thatgarlicisabloodpurifier?

MaybeinthesamewaythatyouandIdon'tcareforthetasteofthemeatonananimal that'sbeeneatingpoorly,ourvampiresdon'tcare for the tasteofbloodthat ispurifiedbygarlic.Maybe ifourblood ispure it canevengag them, sotheygo,"Ptui!Ack!Ican'teatthis!"

So Iwas thinking:what ifwe, as slayers, could "purify" our own "blood"?Thatwould be useful, don't you think?Wouldn't it be cool, to say nothing ofpractical, if we could provoke a sort of allergic reaction in our practicalvampires?

Thequestion,though,ishowtodoit.Howcanwepurifyourownbloodofthehatred and darkness that Barlow speaks of? And I know the answer: it'sconfession.

I'mnotsuggestingweallgorunningofftochurch,butIamsuggestingtheuseof something I call "spiritual garlic" -a practice of prayer andmeditation that

leaveuscleanandpurifiedattheendofeveryday.

I thinkIshouldstartbysaying that if this looksfamiliar toanymembersof12-stepgroupsor religiousbodies, itcertainlyshould. Idon'tmake these rulesand principles up by myself, you know they're true and they work becausethey'vealwaysbeentrueandthey'vealwaysworked.That'swhataprincipleis:somethingthat'strue;alwayshasbeenandalwayswillbe.

Beforewego tobedatnight,we turneverythingoffsowecanconcentrate,andthenwecallontheplaceinsideofusthatconnectstoourGod.Thenwestartto remember our day-almost as ifwewerewatching amovie of it:Wewatchwhatwedid,andaswedo,weaskourselvesthesequestions:

•WherewasIselfishtoday?

•WherewasIscared?

•HowcouldIhavehandledthatsituation(atwork,athome,withfriends,atthestore,wherever)thatupsetmeorsomeoneelseinabetterway,andhowcanIdoitdifferentlynexttime?

•DidIhurtanyonetoday?DoIneedtomakeamends?

• Did I forget anything that I meant to do and need to remember fortomorrow?

•Andmostimportantly:isthereanythingI'vekepttomyselfthatIneedtosharewithanotherpersonrightaway?IsthereanythingI'vepushedintothedarkthatneedstocomeintothelight?

•HaveIputanythingoutofbalancethatneedstobecorrected?

Aswe see these things,we ask forGod's helpwith them.We askwhatweneed todo tocorrectanymistakeswe'vemade,andweaskGod togiveusananswer about howwe can handle each situation better next time.Because thepurifier,orgarlic,istheactofself-assessment,andthepowerbehinditisGod's

loveandhelp.

Andnotavampire in theworldcanbeexposed to thatmuchpure lightandhopetosurvive.

Aswe'rewatchingour"movie"wemaygetsidetracked:wemaybegintoseeall thewonderful things that happened inourday and the things thatmadeushappy:maybeit'salaughwesharedwithsomeoneoranewfriendwe'vemade,ormaybeit'sarecipewe'venevertriedbeforethateverybodyloved.Itmightbesomethingourspousedidthatsurprisedus.Itcouldbehowfastourchildrenaregrowingorhowblessedwefeel tohavefriends:whatever it is,wesay,"thankyou."WeaskGodtohelpusbethepersonGodwouldhaveusbe,andaskforGod's tender mercies for our brothers and sisters everywhere. Then we say,"thankyou,"again,andgotosleep,knowingthereisnolingeringhatredinour"blood,"andthatwe'recurrent,present,andthuswithGod.

TheGodyouspeaktoisyourownandthewordchoiceisofcourseuptoyou,buttheideabehindthisistocleanupattheendoftheday:tomakepeacewithGodandyourself,sotomorrowyoucanstartfresh,andstayinthepresent.

AndIhavetosaythatitworkslikecrazy,prettymuch.

PracticalGratitude

Here isoneof thebest stories I'veeverheardaboutGod.God isaguy in thisstoryandheavenisinthesky,Iguess-andassillyasthatmaysound,it'sthewayIfirstheardit,andsoIlikeitthisway.Itgoeslikethis:

Godwalksintohisofficeonemorningandsaystohisassistant,"Sowhathavewegotgoingsofartoday?"andtheassistantcheckshisnotepadandsays,"Well... so far thismorningwe'vegotabout200millionguysaskingformoneyandabout 45 thousand teenagers who want you to fix it so they don't get caughtskipping school. There's another 75million asking you to get evenwith theirbossesforthemandabout200millionmoreintheircarsontheirwaytowork,

beggingyoutoteachtheguysaheadofthemhowtodrive."

"Uhhuh,"Godsays,unwrappingandpoppingapieceofbutterscotchintohismouth,"andthat'sit?"

And the assistant says, "Well, no, actually, there's this one other guy downthere,too.He'sonhiskneespraying,andhejustkeepssaying,'Thankyou,thankyou,thankyou,thankyou'overandoveragain"

AndGodsays,"Givehimanythinghewants."

One time, early inmy recoverywhen Iwas first learninghow to stick aroundoutsideandtalktopeopleaftermeetings,anothermemberofmy12-stepgroupcameuptomeandsaidsomethingnicetomeaboutthewayIlooked.

Well.IofcoursedidwhatIalwaysdidinthosedays:Iimmediatelylaunchedintoanargumentwithhimaboutwhyhewaswrongtocomplimentme.Ipulledtheolddeflection routine. I said, "Oh.Well that's because I finallygot a littlesleeplastnight,"or,"Yeah,Iknowwhatyoumean:thissweaterI'mwearingissobeautifulit'simpossibletonotlookgoodinit,"or,"Whatareyouinagoodmoodorsomething?"

Iwon't torture youwithmore examples, because I think youmight alreadyhaveaprettygoodideaofwhatI'mtalkingabout.Somanyofusdoit:thatthingwhere we throw a compliment right back in someone's face before it has achancetoreachus.

Onceagain,however, therewasanotherWatcherofmineon the scene: thistimeitwasoneofmybestfriends,Dave,andwhathedidwashesortofleanedover to me, balancing on one leg, and then out of the side of his mouth,whispered,"Justsay'thankyou."'

It shookmeup there forasecond,andIalmoststarted tellingDavewhyhewas wrong, too, but by that time I was becom ing sort of "automatically

obedient" tomyWatchers, and so I just looked at the guy, laughed, and said,"Thankyou."

Davenever explained tomewhyhehadcorrectedmeorwhathemeantbythat, but I started to practice that way of responding to people more oftenanyway, and this funny thing started happening tome: I started feeling betterafterIgotacompliment.

Itwasalmostlike,ifsomebodytoldmeIlookedgoodandIsaid"thankyou"insteadofpushingtheremarkaway,thenitstartedtosortofenterme,Iguess.Ifinally started to understand that, at least for me, I couldn't receive what Iwouldn't say thank you for, and all those years of pushing away the love andkindnessthatwasbeingofferedtomehadleftmeabsolutelystarvingforit.

Howobviousthatseemstomenow:thatIcannotreceivewhatIwillnotsay"thankyou"for,andwhenIkeeprefusingloveiswhenIalwaysendupfeelingunlovedandwonderingwhyIfeelthatway.

SomedaysIfeellikeIhaveaskGodtohelpmereceivewhat'sbeingofferedtomethatday,justasitis,becauseIknowIwon'tdoitwithoutGod'shelpI'llmessitupwithsomestrangeideaIhaveaboutlookinghumbleorthinkingI'munworthyofwhat'sbeingoffered.That'sonethingIloveaboutthe"thankyou"guyinthestory:he'snotmissingevenonetinylittlebitofwhat'sbeingofferedto him because he's always being thankful for it like he just assumes there'salwayssomethingtobegratefulfor.Butthere'soneotherthingIloveaboutthatstory,too.

I hesitate to tell you, becausewhen I first heard the story aboutGod in theofficenoonetoldmehowtothinkaboutit:mypersonalunderstandingofwhatitmeanttomejustsortofevolved,andI'dreallylikeforthattohappenforyou,too,butIhavetotellyouanyway,justbecauseIdo.

IlovethatGod'sanswertotheassistantis:"Givehimanythinghewants,"andit'snotbecauseIbelieveGodisrewardinghimforhisgratitude,either.Although

Ithinkitcouldeasilybemisinterpretedtomeanthat.

WhatIthinkinsteadisthis:whenGodsays,"givehimanythinghewants"it'sbecause when we say "thank you" to everything, then everything we receiveautomaticallymorphsintoeverythingwewant.Ibelievegratitudehasthepowertodothat:tochangethethingsthatwedidn'tknowwewantedintothethingswedowanteverythingwewant,infact.

RememberhowIwastellingyoumyWatcherCatherinenotonlywantedmetoaskGod tokeepmecleanandsoberat thebeginningofeverydaybutalsowantedmetosay"thankyouforkeepingmecleanandsober"attheendofeveryday,too?

IcantellyouthatatthetimeIreallywasn'tsosurethatbeingsoberwaswhatIwanted,andthatIwasn'tsosureIfeltthegratitudeIwasexpressingatnightforit,either.ButIamnow.

And I swear to you, forwhat it'sworth, every time I say "thankyou,"Godlooksdownatmefromthatofficeandsays,"Giveheranythingshewants." Itsurefeelslikethat'swhatI'vebeengettingforalongtimenow:that,andawholelotmore.

Soifyou'vegotavampirehangingaroundandit'sstealingyourgiftsof lifeandfreewill,youcanbitebackifyouneedto-andinfact,it'sreallyonlyrightthatyoudo.Remember,though,whileyou'redoingit,tobeneitherashamednorproud.

Oh-andforheaven'ssake,don'tforgettosay,"thankyou."

IFONEOFTHEMOSTINSPIRINGWOMENI'veeverknown,JenniferGrafGroneberg, hadn't shown me how to do this and given me unaccountablygenerous and thoughtful gifts of her precious time and advice, those gorgeousearrings, delicious soups, and her practical,Watcherly love-therewould be nobook,andthat'sforsure.You'vetaughtmesomanythingsIneverknewaboutwhatrealfriendsdoandhowgoodpeoplereallybehave.Thankyou,Jennifer.

If my sister, Julia Nowicki, hadn't jumped on board with her instantenthusiasmandtrust,heramazingabilitytomakethingshappen,themanytripstoChicagoandgiftsofsimplyeverythingshegavemethathelpedmakemefeellikearealwriter,andifnotforherevery-single-day-never-falteringconfidencethat Iwas going to finish it, this book simplywould not be here. Thank you,Julia.

Ifnotfor thecareful listening,continuoussupport,andlifesavingwisdomofmy Mom and Dad, of my wonderful, encouraging brother Mike and mydiscerning,trulyfunnyanddeeplylovingsisterJoan,ofmybelovedRobert,mydarlingMadeline Jane, andour sweet littleAgatha forget about it. I couldnothave done this. Thank you for believing in me. There are no words for howmuchIloveyou.

Ifnotforthetendercare,excellentchauffeurservice,andbestpizzaI'veevereatenthatJudithBromleygaveme,andifnotforher incredibletalentbesides,I'dnothavehadtheenergyinthesummerof'08towork,andworse-there'dbenopictures!Thankyou,Judith,forsomuch.

If JulieWenner,onenight so longagoatdinner,hadn'tdaredme towritealetter to Stephen King and then continued to cheer me on forever; if MilanaMarsenichhadn'tgivenmetwodaysofherlifetotypeandformatmychapterswhenIwasflatoutoftime;andifI'dhadtolivewithouttheincomprehensiblyenduring support of Janice Doble, Angela Nolan, Mary Gertson, Jan Myers,

ChrisseHarnos,AnthonyLucero,SharlaRoberts,SherriCornelius,SarahSmith,Jane Levy, Suzanne Kincaid, Phyllis Walker, Cindy Doll, Gary Acevedo, JoAnneHines,everymemberoftheWildHorseWriter'sGroup,alltheemployeesofthePolsonCityLibraryandmorepeopleintownthanIcancount,Idon'tseehowthisbookcouldhavebeenborn,either.Thankyou,mywonderfulfriends.

Ihavetosay,too,thatifhadn'tbeenforthoseearlydaysattheCSKTDivisionof Lands and the hilarious, sincere contributions made by my dear friendsGeorgeDuCharme,Marla Couture, andM'LissaMcElderry-and if not for thehelpandencouragementofLiErickson,BethHutchings,andLoriLaschewayback when, too-I might never have thought it was worth trying to write this.Thanks,guys.

IfStephenKinghadn'twritten 'Salem'sLot,which soothed and inspiredmeforyears,and if therewereno12-stepprograms,whichhavealsosoothedandinspiredmeforyears,again:there'dbenobook.Thanks,Mr.King.Thanks,12-stepgroups.

ToDr. LorenRourke,Dr. PaulGochis,Dr.MichaelGoodman,Dr.GordonStille, Dr. Katie Carter, and countless, angelically kind, skillful, and patientnursesandaides:thankyouallformylife.

To three extraordinarily brilliant and generous women with hearts of gold:JoanWalsh,JayeWells,andMelodyBeattie.Thankyouforyourtime,support,andmostofall,friendship.

And finally, to my dear agent Jacky Sach, to my fabulous editor and newfriend,CarrieObry, to thesuperlative talentofLauraGravesand theperfectlyamazing team at Llewellyn: for your time and expertise, your imagination,confidence,dedication,andon topofall that,your friendship: thankyou.Youshockedtheheckoutofmewhenyoutaughtmewhatpublishingwasallabout.Ihadnoideaitwassofulloflove.

*AlthoughImustemphasizethatsomevampiresreallyarebadinthemselves;somepeopleandthingsarejustbadforus,nomatterwhat,anddon'tyouforgetit.

forgetit.