Issue #16,000,009February 15 - February 21

Spring 2012

Birds & Bees: freeHumans & Humans: $3 readme

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Last Saturday, the figures on Walking to the Sky turned around and started walking away from the sky. Due to the snowy weather and general boredom, the group, headed by the Girl in the Yellow Skirt, decided to come back down to earth.

“I didn’t really think about it, up on on that pole,” admitted the Businessman, warm-ing his hands by a ra-diator, “but it’s been forever since I’ve been inside—I could have gotten frostbite. I should probably call my family, too.” The University expressed some concern over the figures’ sudden desertion of their posts, a move that has reduced the landmark statue to a bare metal pole. CFA students have been asked find new symbolism that tour guides can attach to the statue. However, the general consensus is that the reduction of Walking to the Sky to a giant metal pole sticking out of the ground just makes the work look even more phallic than

usual. President Cohon coughed, cleared his throat, glanced at his watch, and politely asked the figures if they would be getting back up there any time soon.

Woman with a Brief Case said that it’s time for a change. “It’s been six years,” she said, “You can’t really ex-pect us to keep walking forever. At some point, you do reach your des-tination.” It seems that, for the figures of Walk-ing to the Sky, the sky’s the limit.

Carnegie Mellon stu-dents, ambivalent as

always about the original statue, have suggested that President Cohon embrace the development as a chance to make some changes. Student Council is collecting votes on its site about what to do with the pole: so far the most popular sug-gestions include turning Walking to the Sky into a giant tetherball, and replacing the human fig-ures with My Little Ponies.

Walking From the Sky

Last issue, readme report-ed that Republicans are selling themselves to the voters as adorable, fuzzy kittens. The story sparked a wildfire of controversy as the Obama campaign staff moved to prevent the GOP from locking up the crucial meme vote.

“We think the American people will see through this shallow, cute trick,” said David Axelrod, speaking for the Obama campaign. “It’s endearing—I mean insulting—that Newt Gingrich thinks we will put a base on the moon if the moon is a picture of a cat with its head stuck in a cereal box.”

“Furthermore, the GOP has always held the po-sition that kittens are a state issue, not a federal one. Why the flip-flop? Suddenly, they want you to believe that they’ve always been pro-kitten. But Ron Paul once introduced a bill to force all

cats to be born as adults, removing kittens from the political and internet arenas entirely.”

Axelrod went on to point out that President Obama supported kitten-friendly legislation as a Senator, and is responsible for multiple memes of his own dat-ing back to 2008, a record which no GOP candidate can match.

When asked about Rom-ney’s new branding strategy,

the Man on the Street said, “Mittens? That’s my cat’s name. Is my cat running for President? She didn’t even tell me… Hey, do you have any weed?”

The rest of the American people could not be reached for comment, because they still don’t care about politics even when kittens are in-volved.

Democrats Object to Politicization of Kittens

Terrorism at TartanHacks

At the stroke of midnight on Saturday, during the TartanHacks Hackathon (hosted by ScottyLabs), an insane stu-dent attempted to commit an act of terrorism against the Gates-Hillman Center and the event.

The student set off what appeared to be a combination between a bomb and a chemical weapon. The device shot off red, white, and blue shrapnel into the air and let off a deadly grayish gas. Although some witnesses claim that the dropped item was merely a fire-work meant to set off the fire alarm with smoke, this was clearly not the case.

Fortunately, the anti-bomb and poison gas defense systems built into the win-dows of the Gates center were able to neutralize the attack and vent away the poison gas. According to Bill Gates, “This was precisely why I have invest-ed so much money into this building, to ensure that students of SCS have the upper hand in any instances of foreign war, civil war, or terrorism.”

Aly Kwispe, founder of the hosting organization ScottyLabs stated that, “This shall not set ScottyLabs back! We remain ever committed to the ad-vancement of Scottish Technology.”

The authorities suspect it was some-one who both has an extreme distrust of technology and was able to sneak past the rainbow laser defenses built on General Pausch’s orders. Interroga-tions have begun in the BCSA double agent program.

The Sky Isn’t All It’s Cracked up to Be

Cat Fight

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Holy shit! Last Wednesday you realized that the job fair was happening and you hadn’t prepped at all. You had no résumé, no in-troduction, you weren’t even wearing pants. You’re going to end up graduating with no job, no future, and living in your mom’s basement yelling at the Internet all day. But fear not! readme totally anticipated you were going to fuck this up and is selling our new “Emergency Job Fair Kit” available for the low price of $1 with student ID, $3 without. It includes:

Perfect RésumésThe readme-certified résumés include all your best achievements, written in a hipster font so obscure typographers orgasm just looking at it. Most people recommend print-ing résumés on fancy paper, so readme goes

one step further and carves your résumé into two stone tablets. A freshman is also includ-ed to carry your tablet- résumé so you don’t ruffle your:

Inflatable Two-Piece SuitMade with authentic tiny wool fibers from tiny sheep, this suit fits in the palm of your hand when deflated. To put on, pull it around your neck (it stretches) and pull the tie to inflate. The suit will inflate to contain a fancy suit jacket, fancy pants, suave leather shoes, a tie, an explosion of hair gel (refills sold separately), and a pocket square. Bitches (and employers) love pocket squares. Also, in case of a job fair emergency over water, your suit can be used as a flotation device.

Swag DetectorRegardless of what job you’re looking for, you want to get some free stuff at the job fair. But how will you figure out where the good stuff is? The Tartan? Fuck that noise. What you need is readme’s patent-pending swag detector. Simply attach it to your ultra-fancy inflated suit and let the beeping point you to free candy/pens/bags/puppies.

Pre-recorded Elevator PitchIt’s just your original elevator pitch, but re-corded by the most glorious narrator in the world, Morgan Freeman. For an extra $5, we can also get it recorded by Billy Dee Wil-liams, and $10 for James Earl Jones.

readme’s Awesome Job Fair Kit

As part of Love a Donor Week, CMU has called on readme to spread the word on current rules for donating to CMU. You may have seen the staff tempting you with cookies for writing thank-you notes, but re-ally they just want your goddamn college-kid money because Scottish-based higher educa-tion doesn’t come cheap. Here are the rules for different donation types:

Cash/Check DonationsThe easiest form of donation, there are two easy ways to send money. The online meth-od involves going to https://www.cmu.edu/campaign/ways/online.html, but who sends money online anyway? No, the best method to send money is an envelope full of cash pushed under the AB office door in the dead of night. Make any checks out to readme.

Blood DonationsSince about 25% of CS majors are technical-ly vampires, a healthy blood supply is needed on hand at all hours at Carnegie Mellon. The UC mailroom has complained about blood donations sent by mail leaking, so please

make sure your donation is sealed carefully.

Sperm DonationsWait, what? People seriously do this? Why? No, I’m pretty sure we don’t have a clon-ing program at CMU, and even if we did we wouldn’t need that much sperm… People send it HOW?! Oh God there are some things no one needs to know. I’m not going to say it, I’m not… Oh fine. If you are donat-ing sperm to CMU, please send it in an actual vial and label it as such. People at the UC mailroom are tired of receiving uncomfort-ably sticky envelopes.

Building DonationsCMU fucking loves new buildings, especially ones they can get for free. If you are going to donate a building to CMU, please make sure adequate postage is attached to the building when you mail it to us. It’s usually more than you think: it cost $500,000 in postage to mail the Gates Center from Seattle to Pittsburgh and was returned to sender twice. Also, label it fragile and send it by FedEx, they have big-ger trucks.

Like a Donor (as a Friend)

Center for Disease Control Follow-up

We at readme realized that in our previous report from January 25th, the Center for Disease Control neglected to mention meth-ods for avoiding infection to the adorable in-ternet sensation My Little Pony. To remedy this, we quickly cobbled up together our own list of recommendations.

• Avoid viewing episodes. Basically most people can simply ignore it when they can happily claim “I’ve never seen an episode.” However it doesn’t take much effort to go looking for episode one on the internet, and once you see one, you will definitely desire another.

• Avoid photo and art sites like Devian-tART and certain sections of Tumblr. You will most likely find that characters from your favorite show or game have been po-ny-fied; bronies and pega-sisters alike have created pony fanart in almost every series possible, including such crossover gems as Dr. Whooves (Dr. Who) and MagNeighto (Magneto of X-Men).

• Try focusing on other TV shows. In accor-dance with the high amount of pony-related fanart, trying a different television or video game series to keep yourself distracted may be a saving move. If cartoons are your pen-chant, readme suggests other great animated hits such as Adventure Time and Regular Show.

• Don’t overestimate your immunity. Don’t try to be brave and forcibly inject yourself with My Little Pony in the belief you can can resist its delightful characters by willpower. One episode leads to another, a never end-ing cycle of accumulating curiosity until the inevitable happens.

Editor’s note:Unfortunately the writer of this article suc-combed to My Little Pony while doing re-search for this article.

Classy and Waterproof I’m on a Pony *whistle*

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Last Thursday, doctors at UPMC attempted the first ever candy heart transplant. The patient, known only as the Gingerbread Man, entered the hospital complaining of shortness of breath. The doctors, after hold-ing him up to a stethoscope, concluded that this was probably because he had no breath at all. After a more thorough examination, the situation appeared quite grave: the Gin-gerbread Man’s heart was failing.

Despite the Gingerbread Man’s lack of health insurance, the hospital agreed to treat him anyway, noting that, as he could effectively be treated with a pair of tweezers and a dollar’s worth of candy, costs were low. One doctor grumbled, worried about the precedents this would make. “Next we’ll be treating animal crackers,” he said. Others pointed out that this was silly, as animal

crackers would clearly be referred to veteri-narians. That settled, the doctors gathered to do their part to ensure that run, run, as fast as he can, Death would not catch this gingerbread man.

While the cookie man was put under anes-thetic, doctors attempted to locate a donor heart. Troubles began when they emp-tied an entire box of Sweethearts candies without finding a matching blue “Be Mine” heart. After much debate on whether to use a purple “Love You” heart or a green “Hug Me”, the doctors went with the former.

Typically during a heart transplant, the surgeon would make an incision to open the patient’s chest and access the heart, but in the Gingerbread Man’s case, his heart was stuck on top of his chest with frosting. The head surgeon mimed an incision anyway for the sake of the medical students in resi-dency.

After the procedure, the Gingerbread Man regained full consciousness with no signs of damage. As the cookie’s heart was never beating in the first place, some doctor wondered what damage, exactly, could have happened.

It is rumored that this success story is in the works to become a heart-tugging drama starring Neil Patrick Harris as the doctor.

Doctors Perform First Candy Heart Transplant

Also In This Issue....CIT Ball Attendees Comprised Mostly of C.I. T-ball Teammates

New Study Finds Correlation Between Depression and Sadness

Adele Finally Finds Someone Like You (Hint: It’s Not You)

Top <3 Perfect Gifts For Your CMU Valentine

1. Candle that smells like a book2. Book on fire (cheaper than the candle)3. Fire extinquisher4. Minecraft5. Scented plug-in that is a USB6. Kiva Han giftcard that will be good for all of 4 days before they close7. readme, origami’d into a heart8. The Tartan, origami’d into a readme9. A kernel that actually compiles10. Romantic chair ride down the Gates spiral11. A steamy night in the steam tunnels12. Rose in a beaker vase13. Answers to KGB’s Puzzlehunt14. Milder winter (no winter is wayyyy too expensive)15. A Buggy ride for two16. A Booth built for two17. Reasonably priced meal plan18. Soccer-playing robot dog19. Free pizza (you can never have enough)20. Heart-shaped ramen21. Dewalt drill22. Answers to his/her next exam23. Dick in a heart-shaped box24. Heart-shaped dick in a box25. Stock in Facebook26. Kilt with love in every stitch27. 28. A bagpipe serenade29. A bouquet of thistles (not yearbooks)30. A subscription at CMNude, Carnegie Mellon’s leading source of nudity

His Heart Is on His ChestFor Our Day-After-Valentine’s Issue!

Editing & Writing Staff

Heart Breakers: Emily Forney, Joe Selinger, Jule Pattison-GordonDream Makers: Karpur Shukla, Vis Subramanian, Taerim Kim, Alex Wachsman, Jeff Kurish, Jay Woo Kim, Jake Reid, Fernando Torre, Michael McGinnis, Rachel Bullen, Ivy Krislov, Fielding Watson, Old Toby, Veronica Ebert, Tom Zhang, Niteesh Sundaram, Vivek Nair, Adam “Bubbles” Leibowitz, Sally Gao, Kalyani Srinivas, Albert Brown, Tim Broman, and Bryan WadeWhat is readme? Well, it’s funny and it’s useful. And free. And a high source of wuv.Who makes it? readme is printed by the Activities Board Publications Committee, sponsored by your student activities fee.Where do I get it? Try news stacks, academic halls, clusters, campus eateries, and in front of Doherty on Fridays.How do I help? Email eforney@cmu.edu. We need writers, Photoshoppers, pizza-eaters and girls.And remember: St. Valentine is the patron saint of love, happy marriages, bee keepers, epilepsy, fainting, and plague.

readmecmu.wordpress.com

February 15 - February 21Issue 16,000,009 - readme p. 4 -This is the true section, where we tell you how to love your life

In a rather different take on privacy policies, Google’s new Gorgeous Maps lets users rate the attractiveness of bystanders caught in the maps’ street view images.

The service is a way for users to get to know the people in their area before they move, and a facilitator for singles to branch out to others in their area, reported Google’ execu-tive chairman, Eric Schmidt, who compared Gorgeous Maps to social connecting sites like MissedConnections and LikeaLittle.

The service is fairly new; it was launched in New England in 2008 and only recently ex-panded to the rest of the United States and participating countries worldwide. The ser-vice is primarily targeted at young men and women ages 18-27. Its pilot in New England celebrated a mostly positive reception.

“At first I wasn’t sure about strangers see-ing photos of me,” admitted Maddi Kay, a 24-year-old nursing student at Boston Uni-versity, “but once I realized you could vote on people’s hotness, I started getting into it.” Kay reports that she has enjoyed time browsing for singles in the area in the hope of luring “some young gent into a clingy re-lationship.”

While the majority of response to Gorgeous Maps has been positive, it is also facing a fair amount of criticism. “I am incredibly of-fended,” said 30-year-old Eugenia Bates, a florist in Princeton, New Jersey. “I was really excited to see Google’s Gorgeous Maps van drive towards my house! But when it got to my yard, it just sped up! Apparently I’m too old or something!” Bates then excused her-self to go feed her thirty cats.

New Tech: Google Lust

Study Shows: Angry Birds Not a Thing

Therefore Hipsters Love ThemEveryone remembers Angry Birds. It was that game that you downloaded for free on its advertised free weekend and then you pro-ceeded to play for about a month before beat-ing it. Shortly thereafter Angry Birds showed up everywhere. Angry Birds t-shirts flooded into malls with hilarious and witty phrases like “Wingman” or “Flipping the Bird” and sport-ing pictures of what could be called “main characters” of the game. Furthermore, An-gry avian visages graced clocks, pillows, plush dolls, backpacks, playing cards, key chains, pens, and on anything that you could vaguely put a face.

However, just recently, a local think tank re-leased a study showing that despite the amount of high quality merchandise, Angry Birds is not now and never was a “thing.” readme caught up with Nathan Sanders a researcher at the think tank who described the study.

“Yeah, as scientists we don’t usually have time for popular culture things like fashion or dancing, so when we saw all these angry birds t-shirts we were wondering what it was all about. A few of us bought the game which was pretty cheap for a video game and we were playing it for a couple hours until Martin from down the hall just puts it down and says ‘Wait a minute, this is just, like, some dumb flash game…’ It turns out he was right. I beat it about a week later while I was waiting for a dentist appointment. If I had to rate it, I’d say it’s not the best catapult game I’ve ever played, but it was a good way to kill some time.”

For reference, the group released a list of ac-tual “things” for comparison purposes. A few such “actual things” from the past few years included: Inception, Lady Gaga, Facebook, The Colbert Report, American Idol, and sports in general. The report even stated that “better drink my own piss” was more a thing than Angry Birds.

February 15 - February 21Issue 16,000,009 - readme p. 5 -This is the true section, where we tell you how to love your life

In a recent announcement, Port Author-ity warned Pittsburgh that as a result of severe lack of state funding, cuts will be made to many public transportation routes, including the 54, 64, 75, 28X, 61, and 71 buses, and, most drasti-cally, Mr. Roger’s Neighborhood Trolley. While cuts on regular buses are scheduled to start next September, the Trolley cuts have already been implemented. The head of Port Authority was quick to reassure parents that the Trolley will not be completely shut down, but will run a very limited schedule, likely only to cover Wednesday afternoons.

“I’m just not sure how else we’ll get them there,” said Ms. Priscilla Pern, a preschool teacher in Squirrel Hill, who worries that children will only be able to visit the Neighborhood of Make-Be-lieve once a week. “Some families can’t afford cars, and even parents with cars won’t always be free to drive.” readme sought King Friday for comments, but due to travel difficulties, will have to wait until next Wednesday to interview him.

“Don’t look at this as something that strands people, look at this as something that fosters com-munity,” the governor of Pittsburgh explained,

noting that now it will be next to impossible to leave the suburbs to visit people or businesses. “It’s a time for relationships within Bloomfield to bloom, for Make-Believers to make-do. . . .” The governor added that late-night bus service will be scaled back the most. Officials judged this the most prudent option, because in the night-time it’s too dark for anyone to see you, making it the safest time to walk home.

Pittsburgh should soon see tangible benefits of the budget plan, the governor added. Although the plan also calls for layoffs, slashing bus routes by 40% is expected to more than make up for this by ensuring that wealth stays in the Steel City, as with the 28x no longer going to the airport, it will be a herculean effort to leave. Straight up blockading Pittsburgh would have been too ob-vious, he said.

In a last desperate attempt to sell isolating much of the city, the governor’s office optimistically branded the elimination of 40 routes a jumpstart for personal fitness. Instead of riding the bus like a lazy schmuck, Pittsburghers will now be forced to bike or walk to access the city. Rachel Waters, working mother of four, says the trip to Target will likely add an extra hour of exercise to her schedule; “I expect the aerobic benefits will balance out the heart damage from added stress. At this rate I may live my exhausting life just long enough for my body to fall apart on me. Of course, if the route to my job gets eliminated, I’ll have so much free time while unemployed, getting to Target won’t push back my schedule much at all.”

Bike routes to the Neighborhood of Make-Be-lieve have not yet been found.

Riding out his three recent primary wins in Col-orado, Minnesota, and Missouri, the surprising upshoot Republican contender, Rick Santorum, has pledged the nation that he plans “to not re-lent this primary season until the entire country is covered in Santorum.”

During his victory address after a day’s smatter-ing of primary successes, Santorum stated that, “No state shall go without Santorum this pri-mary season! From the places where Santorum is scarce (in Phoenix, AZ and Detroit, MI, the cities I’ll be visiting very soon for upcoming pri-maries) to where Santorum finds its home and is plentiful (in the homeland of Butler, PA and the streets of San Francisco, CA). Santorum will be everywhere!”

Santorum’s campaign manager, when inter-viewed, commented that, “The values of this nation have declined these last few years. It is our job to make sure that we don’t let the liberal media suck the life out of our nation, suck the Santorum out of America.”

Santorum To Cover America This Primary Season

Bus Cuts to Threaten Real Standards, Imaginary Trolley

Smells Like Victory!

Don’t Sit in the Back of the Bus

JoinreadmeWe need funny writers, non-funny writers, pho-tomanipulation artists, women, and minorities.

Meetings @6:30pm

WednesdaysUC 318G

eforney@cmu.edu

Events and Things On and Off CampusTalk Back!Radio show by WRCTTuesdays, 9pm, 88.3 FM or podcast at WRCT.org

Free Improv Comedy WorkshopsWith the No Parking Players improv troupeThursdays & Sundays, 8pm, PH 125BNo experience necessary!

Love a Donor WeekCome write a thank-you note to those who donate to CMU!Thursday, Feb. 16, 9am-5pm, UC Kirr Commonsand 1-4pm, Doherty Hall Lobbyand 4:30-6pm, Great Hall CFA (invitation only)Friday, Feb. 17, 9am-5pm, UC Kirr Commons

Saturday Morning Breakfast CerealBrought to you by AB LecturesThursday, February 16, 6-7pm, UC McConomy

CIT Ball: A Night in BollywoodHosted by CMU Society of Women EngineersFriday, February 17, 7-11pm, Phipps Conservatory$20 for single tickets, $35 for a pairOpen to all majors, alcohol available with valid 21+ ID

KGB Puzzlehunt: The Great LibraryStarring: The KGB!Saturday, February 18, 12-8pm, Wean 7500Register teams of up to 4 at mazeoftwistypassages.comPizza will be provided in the evening, snacks are encouraged

French Dance Workshop and PartyCollective dances (circles and couples) from FranceSaturday, February 18, 4-7pm, Skibo Small GymFREE for students, beginners welcome!

The Meaning of Work, the Universe, and EverythingA public discussion about the meaning & purpose of work.Hosted by The Veritas Forum (cmuveritas.org)Saturday, February 25, 7-9pm, UC RangosMC: Johanna SoderlundPanel: Profs. David Kosbie, Marie Norman, & Mike SmithModerator: Prof. Paul Johnston

TEDxCMU 2012: ReinterpretationSunday, March 4, 10am-5pm, UC McConomyApplication to attend: tinyurl.com/tedxcmu2012For more info: tedxcmu.com

SIGBOVIK 2012Totally legit academic research paper presentationIn honor of Harry Q. BovikFriday, March 30, 5-8pm, Gates 4401 (Rashid Auditorium)Paper submissions are open: tinyurl.com/sigbovikS12

AB Films shows movies in UC McConomy most Thursday through Sundays. Tickets are $1 with student ID, $3 without.

The Art of Getting ByThursday, February 16, 10pm/12amExpected attendance: 95% second-semester seniors.

The Lion KingFriday, February 17, 8pm/10pm/12am“NAAAAAAAAAAAANTS INGONYAMAAAAAA” etc.

Psycho (1960)Saturday, February 18, 8pm/10pm/12am“RRRRAN RRRRAN RRRRAN” etc.

The Thing (1982) Sunday, February 19, 10pm/12amIt’s a movie about this thing and some guys and stuff.

Like CrazyThursday, February 23, 8pm/10pm/12amNot actually crazy, just similar to it.

A Very Harold and Kumar ChristmasFriday, February 24, 8pm/10pm/12amA little justification for all you lazy bums with trees still up.

Wet Hot American SummerSaturday, February 25, 10pm/12amSetting: geysers at Yosemite National Park.

Special Showing: The Academy AwardsSunday, February 26, 7pmClassy motherfucker attire encouraged.

Do you have events to advertise?Do you like advertising them for FREE?

OH YOU DO, DO YOU?!SQUIRRELADNER!

E-mail eforney@cmu.edu with your event information two Mondays before the week of your event. Include a description, the time, date,

location, and cost. We will include it in this event listing ABSOLUTELY FREE! Believe it or not, people actually read this thing. I mean, you’re

reading it, and you’re a people, right?