Bible Newspaper Articles

Blind duo rescued after

spending chilly night in pit

Bethsaida – Two visually

impaired men from Bethsaida

were rescued from a deep pit this

morning, where they had spent a

chilly night after falling into the

chasm late yesterday afternoon.

The men’s cries for help went

unheeded until this morning

when a field hand heard their des-

perate shouts. Additional workers

arriving on the scene lowered a

rope to the trapped men and

pulled them out. Both were

treated for abrasions and bruises;

one of them is believed to have

suffered a broken ankle as well.

Asked how they had come to

fall into the pit, each man claimed

to have been following the

other’s lead. This incident, of

course, is reminiscent of last

year’s fatal plunge by a pair of

visually impaired vagabonds who

fell off the cliff now commonly

referred to as Blind Man’s Bluff.

Fortunately, the men rescued this

morning will live to tell about

their misadventure.

Scripture reference: Luke 6:39

Homes along Jordan River

destroyed by floodwaters

Jericho – The damage reports

continue from the flood-ravaged

communities along the shores of

the raging Jordan River northeast

of Jericho, which overflowed its

banks yesterday after a week of

unseasonable rainfall. Along one

stretch of the river, only a single

home remains standing where

just yesterday there were no less

than a dozen. The now-homeless

residents are left to sift through

the mud and sediment in hopes of

finding small household trinkets

and treasures that the floodwaters

may have mercifully left behind.

The one remaining structure

along that sandy shoreline was

built on a rocky promontory that

juts out into the river—as though

daring its swelling waters to try

and overcome it. On this occa-

sion, the otherwise victorious

river was no match.

Scripture reference: Luke 6:46-49

Shepherd sacrifices life

for endangered flock

Besara – Yet another Galilean

shepherd has been killed in the

line of duty. In the pastures

southwest of Besara (near Mount

Carmel in Lower Galilee), a teen-

aged sheepherder was attacked by

a wolf (or wolves) on Thursday

while trying to protect the herd of

sheep in his care, along with their

newborn lambs. The name of the

individual is being withheld

pending notification of next of

kin. This was the third fatal inci-

dent in the last two months.

However, in another wolf at-

tack, just this morning in nearby

Japhia, a freelance shepherd was

able to escape unharmed, al-

though the sheep he had been

hired to protect were less fortu-

nate.

The attacks, as one might ex-

pect, have renewed concerns

among members of the Sheep-

herders Union, which has been

calling for greater efforts at con-

trolling the country’s wolf popu-

lation.

Scripture reference: John 10:11-15

PAGE 11 PALESTINE POST-DISPATCH

NATION/WORLD BRIEFING

BEERSHEBA — Accusations

of identity theft and false im-

personation have been made

against a man from Beersheba,

whom authorities say hatched a

audacious scheme against his

own twin brother.

Esau Isaacson, 37, has filed

a formal complaint against his

twin, Jacob, claiming that the

b r o t h e r

― b o r r o w e d ‖

Esau’s identity

in a successful

attempt to se-

cure the fam-

ily inheritance

along with the

coveted pater-

nal blessing.

Meanwhile, Jacob is be-

lieved to have fled the region

and is being sought for ques-

tioning by local authorities.

Additional charges of con-

spiracy to aid and abet a felon

are being considered against

the pair’s mother, Rebekah,

who allegedly assisted Jacob in

a scam to deceive her visually

impaired husband, Isaac, into

giving the traditional blessing

and inheritance to the slightly

younger son.

―It’s a given in our family

circle that Mother always

clearly liked Jacob the best,‖

claimed a visibly shaken Esau.

The brothers, it should be

noted, are not identical twins,

thus the necessity of a disguise

Charges of Identity Theft Leveled against Victim’s Twin Brother, Who Flees Region

to pull off the alleged inheri-

tance hoax.

Anyone with information

about Jacob’s whereabouts is

asked to contact the Beersheba

Sheriff’s Office.

Esau Isaacson pleads his case with the local media, explaining that his twin brother, Jacob, “borrowed” his identity for an afternoon and then made off with Esau’s birthright as well as coveted paternal blessing.

Jacob Isaacson

Brazen case of stolen

identity threatens

to tear family apart

By MISHAEL METHUSELAH

[email protected]

THE CANAAN CHRONICLE PAGE 3

Rebekah, mother of Esau and Jacob, has

refused comment on the situation,

other than to insist that both of her sons are

good men.

GADARA – A class action

lawsuit is being considered by a

coalition of pig farmers from the

region of the Gaderenes, follow-

ing yesterday’s stampede that

ended with an entire herd of hogs

drowning in the Sea of Galilee.

The incident occurred near the

town of Gadara, along the south-

eastern shoreline.

The group alleges that the

stampede was incited by the ac-

tions of the itinerant preacher

from Galilee, Jesus of Nazareth,

when he reportedly healed a noto-

rious madman who’d been living

in a cemetery on the outskirts of

town. The man, who is said to

have been possessed by a legion

of demons, was by all accounts

deemed uncontrollable, and con-

sidered a danger both to himself

and to others. (Some reports refer

Class Action Lawsuit Considered over ‘Bay of Pigs’ Debacle

to a pair of madmen, but this has

not yet been substantiated.)

Witnesses claim that the sud-

den, and unsolicited, exorcism

prompted the evil spirits to exit

the madman and flee into a herd

of roughly 2,000 swine feeding

on a distant hillside. The plain-

tiffs insist that the pigs were so

shocked by the sudden indwelling

that they panicked and ran head-

long down the steep bank right

into the Sea of Galilee.

The farmers cite loss of reve-

nue as the motivating factor in a

possible lawsuit. Future breeding

has also been curtailed by the

untimely demise of the pigs.

One additional note: The com-

munity’s annual pig roast origi-

nally planned for next weekend

has been moved up to tomorrow

evening. For more information,

go to www.swinefest.com.

Luke 8:26-39 (Mark 5:1-20; Matt. 8:28-34)

By Steven J Trott @ yahoo.com

One of hundreds of drowned swine that have begun washing up on shore near the town of Gadara in the wake of a stampede yesterday that proved fatal for the entire herd, estimated at 2,000 head. The herd’s owners are blaming Jesus, the Galilean teacher, who is said to be responsible for inciting the stampede.

The Sea of Galilee coastline where a herd of approximately 2,000 pigs were drowned yesterday after charging madly off the steep shoreline. The incident occurred near the town of Gadara, where Jesus of Nazareth allegedly cured a demoniac who had been living in nearby caves .

Nazarene preacher

being blamed for

deadly stampede

By MICAH SAMUELSON

msamuelson @ galileegazette.com

THE GALILEE GAZETTE PAGE 2

BABEL – Confusion contin-

ues to reign at a construction site

in the land of Shinar. Erection of

a planned skyscraper has ground

to a sudden standstill as workers

complain of unusual medical

symptoms including hearing im-

pairment, mental confusion and

garbled speech. Medical staff and

counselors have assembled at the

construction site to help dis-

tressed workers cope with what

some here are referring to as

―skyscraper syndrome.‖

Some experts are attributing

the mysterious symptoms to the

stress of meeting project dead-

lines, while others suggest that

building materials may be a fac-

tor in the illnesses. Project man-

agers are denying reports that

they have put undue pressure on

sick employees to return to work,

or that they have labeled their

symptoms as psychosomatic.

Many of the afflicted workers

have already left town for points

west.

The structure, located in the

lower alluvial plain of the Tigres-

Euphrates Rivers, was intended to

―reach to the heavens,‖ according

to its creators. Now, unless a so-

lution is found to counteract the

strange skyscraper syndrome,

plans are on temporary hold.

Meanwhile, investors have threat-

ened to curtail financing in the

project until the reason for the

problem has been amply deter-

mined.

One investor was heard to say:

―Il est inutile de continuer à con-

struire si nous n'avons pas de

constructeurs pour faire du bâti-

ment. Jesteśmy z pewnością nie

może odpowiedzialności za

Confusion Name of Game at Skyscraper Construction Site

z d r o w i a p r a c o w n i k ó w .

Облечение это только звук,

структура, в которой он

вложил. אלא אם כן יש סיבה שלא

.”גם הוא היה. כניות עתדיות , ניתן לרפא

Scripture reference: Genesis 11:1-9

Tower of Confusion — Workers at this construction site at Babel in the land of Shinar have been experiencing mysterious symptoms, which some are labeling “Skyscraper syndrome.” The structure was intended to “reach to the heavens,” according to its creators, but now, with workers ill, its future is uncertain.

THE NEW BABYLONIAN TIMES PAGE 3

Experts baffled by unusual

medical symptoms being

experienced by workers

BY MELCHISADEK ADAMS

THE NEW BABYLONIAN TIMES

Floodwaters Destroy Homes along River;

House Built on Rocky Soil Sole Survivor

JERICHO – The damage reports continue from the flood-

ravaged communities along the shores of the raging Jordan

River northeast of Jericho, which overflowed its banks

Thursday after a week of unseasonable rainfall. Along one

stretch of the river, only a single home remains standing

where just yesterday there were no less than a dozen. The

now-homeless residents are left to sift through the mud and

sediment in hopes of finding small household trinkets and

treasures that the floodwaters may have mercifully left

behind. The one remaining structure along that sandy

shoreline was built on a rocky promontory that juts out into

the river—as though daring its swelling waters to try and

overcome it. On this occasion, the otherwise victorious

river was no match.

Scripture: Luke 6:46-49

Twister Wrecks Homestead in Hauran,

Killing Ten Siblings Gathered for Party

DAMASCUS – Tragedy struck Thursday in the land of Uz

where a fierce twister wreaked havoc on a rural homestead.

A large farmhouse in Hauran, south of Damascus, was

instantly demolished when the tornado swept in off the

desert. Inside the house, ten siblings had gathered to cele-

brate the birthday of the family’s eldest son, the home’s

owner. There were no survivors. The homeowner and his

six brothers and three sisters were the children of a wealthy

local sheikh named Job. This disaster follows hard after

several other setbacks endured by Mr. Job in recent days.

Scripture: Job 1:18-20

Wrestler Prevails in All-

Night Match

PENUEL – In men’s wrestling finals

last night, it was a match for the ages

as amateur middleweight Jake

Isaacson prevailed against an oppo-

nent who possessed what can only be

described as superhuman prowess. Isaacson sustained a hip

pointer during the match, but was able to continue the fight

until the contest was finally called on account of daylight.

Asked for his comments following the match, a winded

Isaacson could say whisper, ―Just call me Israel.‖ The iden-

3A MIDEAST MONITOR FRIDAY, APRIL 18

WorldNews Heckle and Shekel:

Widow’s small donation has no

place among aff luent benefactors

I am writing today to voice my annoyance

with a practice that tends to put the less affluent

among us on equal footing with the well-to-do.

Recently some colleagues and I had gathered at

the temple treasury to make financial contribu-

tions to be distributed among the poor. Said con-

tributions were, I should emphasize, no small

matter—and deserve to be

treated with all due honor

and propriety.

What, then, are we to

make of the presence

among us that day, of one of

the poor themselves? An

elderly widow, no less,

clutching her wrinkled hand

to her bosom as though she

held a silver shekel—rather

than the two sweaty pen-

nies that were actually the

sum total of her donation. Does this not illustrate

the need for a separation between the have’s and

the have-not’s? Why should this widow and her

copper coins be elevated by association with

those of us whose donations are actually worth

the trumpeter’s breath?

One could argue that when the size of the

woman’s offering was made known, those of us

who gave generously from our riches were made

to appear even wealthier and, subsequently, even

more generous, but I retort that her presence and

her pennies demean the entire process.

I am not arguing that the poor have no place

at the temple; I am, rest assured, a man of con-

siderable conscience. But this offering was being

made, after all, on behalf of the poor. Does the

fact that we are sharing our wealth with them

dictate that we must also mingle with them? The

populace should recognize its place, whether on

the street, in the market, or at temple—and espe-

Plainly Speaking

By Eli son of Josiah Monitor Assistant Editor

Created by Steven J Trott @ yahoo.com 616.884.0036

CAPERNAUM – A newly

formed advocacy group calling

itself Skylight Options is petition-

ing lawmakers on behalf of the

infirm and handicapped, who are

often excluded from opportunities

available to healthy members of

society. The group takes its inspi-

ration from an incident earlier

this month involving a paralyzed

man who sought out Jesus of

Nazareth for healing.

Because of a large crowd

overflowing the home where

Jesus was guest of honor , it was

impossible for the paralytic to get

close enough to enlist the Naza-

rene’s help, let alone attract his

attention. But four of the man’s

colleagues came to his aid, carry-

ing him to the top of the house

where they dug through the layer

of reeds and mud that serve as a

rooftop. They then lowered their

friend, still lying on his mattress,

down through the makeshift

opening and got him an audience

with Jesus. Long story short, the

man exited the house through the

traditional doorway—and on

foot, without anybody’s help.

The incident made headlines

and, shortly after, Skylight Op-

tions was conceived. Now, the

group wants to make rooftop

openings mandatory in all homes

in the district. They argue that all

frail or handicapped individuals

Group Demanding Rooftop Entrances for Physically Challenged

have the right of access to any

location where crowds (or other

obstacles to normal entry) may be

present. Opponents maintain that

the measure would hamper every-

day household activities as well

as let in the rain and heat; they

say that the episode with Jesus

was an isolated instance and

should not be viewed as the

norm.

A spokesmen for Skylight

Options will present the group’s

arguments tomorrow morning

before a gathering of city plan-

ners, who will then debate

whether to consider passage of a

new city ordinance.

Scripture reference: Mark 2:1-12

Construction Foreman Hurt while Assisting Employee with Speck of Sawdust in Eye

Advocates to petition

lawmakers in favor of

mandatory skylights

By MICAH SAMUELSON

msamuelson @ galileegazette.com

THE GALILEE GAZETTE PAGE C1

CAPPADOCIA – A construc-

tion foreman was seriously in-

jured Monday in a freak mishap

on a building site just north of

Cappadocia. Josiah Peterson, a

foreman with Cappadocia Con-

struction, was removing a speck

of sawdust from the eye of one of

his crew members when a plank

of wood slid off a nearby rooftop

and struck Peterson in the face,

knocking him unconscious and

leaving him with what amounted

to a plank in his eye.

An EMT unit at the scene was

able to remove the plank, but a

large splinter remained embedded

in Peterson’s eye socket. He was

rushed to Sinai Medical Center

where doctors attempted to surgi-

cally remove the sliver.

Whether the longtime foreman

will regain the use of the eye re-

mains to be seen, but the report

from the hospital says his chances

for a full recovery are ―fair to

good.‖

A spokesman for Cappadocia

Construction said the company

has conducted an informal inves-

tigation and has determined that

the incident was the result of a

freak accident and that no charges

of negligence would be filed.

Scripture reference: Matthew 7:1-5

Created by: Steven J Trott @ yahoo.com

OBITUARY CORRECTION

Elam of Nain (Monday version)

Yesterday’s obituary for Elam

of Nain, son of the late Neziah

and the widow Temah, was

printed prematurely. The young

man listed as deceased is still

among the living, having made a

full, if unexpected, recovery. We

regret any inconvenience brought

about by our error in this matter.

In lieu of the cancelled funeral

service, the family is planning a

small celebration supper later

today. All are invited to attend.


AREA INSIDE — Music Review. Why you’ll want to go out and get the new collection of worship songs by the King David Chorale. HEADLINES

SOCOH – An unidentified

headless body was found on

Tuesday afternoon near the vil-

lage of Socoh. The gruesome dis-

covery was made by shepherds

tending sheep in the Valley of

Elah, where they stumbled upon

remains of an unusually large

male lying facedown on the

ground—facedown, that is, if

he’d had a face. The man appears

to have been in his middle or late-

twenties and was dressed in battle

gear.

According to the coroner’s

report, the deceased was a very

large individual, more than nine

feet tall—had he not lost his

head. Responding officers were

unable to lift the body for further

inspection and were awaiting

transport. Police believe that the

man was likely a Philistine, but it

is not known whether this is a

reference to his nationality or to

his utter lack of sophistication.

Gruesome Discovery: Decapitated Body Found in Valley of Elah

The police report indicates no

signs of trauma other than the

rather severe neck wound.

Detectives have not indicated

whether they suspect foul play in

the death or whether it may be

part of a recent military action in

the area. A large spear and javelin

were found near the body, but the

soldier’s sword was markedly

absent from its sheath. Investiga-

tors surmise that the decapitation

may have been performed by the

victim’s own weapon, and that

the sword, along with the head,

may have been taken as trophies

by the man’s killer. Anyone see-

ing someone in possession of an

oversized sword—or an oversized

head, for that matter—should

contact the authorities.

The police report also lists the

presence of a small stone found

near the body, bloodied, but oth-

erwise unremarkable. Dusting of

the stone produced a single small

thumbprint which will be run

through the National Fingerprint

Database, according to a spokes-

person for the local police.

Scripture reference: 1 Samuel 17

Off limits — Police cordoned off a large section of the Valley of Elah yesterday while they searched the area for clues in the death and dismemberment of an extremely tall male who so far remains unidentified. A small bloodied stone was found nearby, but officers have yet to determine if it played a part in the crime.

THE ISRAELI ENQUIRER PAGE 5

Shepherds stumble upon

remains of male measuring

more than nine feet tall

BY ELIJA JOSEPHSON

THE ISRAELI ENQUIRER

Scene of the crime — The Valley of Elah, below, was the scene of a gruesome discovery yesterday when shepherds came across a decapitated body. Investi-gators are speculating that the deceased may have been a soldier and may have been killed with his own sword, which was not found with the body.


By now, most of this journal’s readers will have

heard about the extraordinary catch of fish made last

week on the Sea of Galilee (―Nets Filled to Break-

ing Point by Miraculous Catch,‖ June 11), in which

the nets of a crew of local fishermen were filled not

only to capacity, but to the point of actually bursting

at the seams: an alleged miracle performed by the

carpenter, Jesus of Nazareth. A marvelous fish

story, and one that will certainly

entertain the community for years;

also fabulous for the aforemen-

tioned fishermen and their pocket-

books, to be sure.

But questions remain about the

repercussions of such a dynamic

catch. For example, how are other

fishermen and their families to sur-

vive, let alone thrive, if certain ones

among us are chosen to be

―blessed‖ with catches such as that

one was? Are only a select few des-

tined to command a majority share

of the market? What about the issue

of supply and demand? Will large

catches glut the market (in the same

way the fish glutted those nets),

driving the price of seafood ever downward? Will

the excess go to waste? Will fickle consumers flock

to the fishermen with the overflowing nets rather

than to those whose catch is only average—or

below average, given that certain ―designated‖ nets

(dare I say ―predestined‖) are coming up full?

Socio-economic implications abound as well.

Shouldn’t the fish from the overflowing nets (or at

least the profit therefrom) be shared with those

whose nets are, by consequence, sparsely filled?

This is not an argument in favor of socialism so

much as an appeal to common sense and basic

human sensibilities! Fishermen must stick together.

Further questions arise. Will professional fisher-

men be forced to spend increased amounts of time

mending their nets in the wake of overloading? It

was even reported that the boats with the large catch

were in danger of sinking. Will similar events in the

future necessitate a greater Coast Guard presence

along our shoreline to come to the aid of sea craft

jeopardized beneath the weight of what can only be

referred to as supersizing? And, if so, who is going

to be expected to pay for increased patrols? And are

we prepared for the potential loss of human life

should overly successful fishing expeditions meet

with tragic consequences?

All of this is not even to mention the legality

(moral and constitutional) of the whole enterprise.

Who is controlling which fish end

up where? Are we, mere humans,

meant to interfere with the natural

tendencies of seafood? This is a

matter for the rabbis to decide,

although the role of the local Fish

Management Guild is not to be

understated.

And then there is the issue of the

lake itself: Can the Sea of Galilee

(a.k.a. Lake Gennesaret) even sus-

tain such bountiful yields on a

regular basis? What will be the

long-term effects on the seafood

industry of such over-fishing? Do

we need to initiate a catch-and-

release program applicable to any

nets filled to capacity? Perhaps the

time has even arrived for local governing bodies to

consider a net capital gain tax. Does the notion of

stocking the lake need to be addressed? (And, again,

who will be expected to pay? Certainly not the fish-

ermen with the relatively empty nets!)

Last, but not least, who is speaking for the poor

fish? Have they no say in their own future? Is it fair

to their free-spirited manner that they should—

miraculously or not—be steered into a net just to

make a theological point? Think of all the fish eggs

that will never be laid as a result. This is a waste of

a precious natural resource that should be guaran-

teed its inalienable right to swim freely and prosper

undisturbed by supernatural interference.

The concerns and questions go on and on. Con-

gratulations may be in order for those who brought

in the amazing record-breaking catch but, as with all

instances of excess, the long-term considerations

must be weighed—no pun intended. (Luke 5:1-11)

Guest Editorial: Extraordinary Fish Haul Raises Other Issues

PAGE 13 JUNE 17

OPINION PAGE THE WAILING WALL STREET JOURNAL

Today’s editorial was submitted by Bartholomew Abrahamson, a lifelong

fisherman on the Sea of Galilee.

Created by Steven J Trott @ yahoo.com

I’ve never written a letter to a newspaper before,

nor have I spoken publicly on the subject I am about

to disclose. But the death of Jesus in Jerusalem on

Friday necessitates this response.

I am a woman whom Jesus has raised from the

dead—not literally, as with his friend Lazarus or

that young gentleman from the village of Nain, but

figuratively. Nevertheless, had it

not been for his intervention on my

behalf, I would not now be alive to

express these sentiments.

Very simply, I was once discov-

ered in a compromising situation

with a man not my husband. The

story is too long, too complicated,

and too painful for me to share on

this page. Suffice it to say that I got

caught and was about to receive the

mandated recompense for my indis-

cretion, which in this country is

considered a capital offense—with

a capital ―A.‖

As previously stated, I would not

be here today if Jesus had not come

to my defense like a gallant shep-

herd standing up to the wolves on behalf of this lit-

tle lamb. Twelve angry men stood snarling and

panting, ready to bury me in a pile of stones for a

crime that most of them, truth be told, had likely

already committed themselves—if not in sweaty

fact then at least in the salacious fiction of their own

clandestine fantasies—for I have seen the way they

used to look at me in days gone by, undressing me

with their eyes, as it is commonly stated.

Nevertheless, they had stones ready in their

hands and my death warrant waving in their hearts

when their teachers decided to take advantage of my

plight to test the religious views of one Jesus of

Nazareth, using my miserable missteps to try and

trip up a man who had never done anything but

good in his life.

They brought me before Jesus and said to him,

―Teacher, this woman was caught in the very act of

adultery. The law says stone her. What say you?‖

Initially Jesus appeared to ignore

them but they were persistent, so

he replied, ―Let the snake who has

never sinned be the first viper to

strike!‖ And just like that, my

would-be executioners began slith-

ering away. Soon, it was just Jesus

and me.

He asked whether anyone re-

mained to condemn me, and I said

―No one.‖

―Nor do I,‖ he assured me. ―Go

and be finished with sin.‖

I half suspect that, with Jesus

out of the way, the wolves will

come back after me again to finish

what they had started—for I have

no doubt that these men (were their

motives exposed) have hearts as hard as the stones

they would have thrown at me, were it not for the

loving protection afforded me by Jesus.

That’s fine, though, let them come. I am ready

for anything now. I have found my way home, and I

no longer fear anything that mortal men can do to

me. Jesus may be dead and buried, but when it

comes my own time to die (whether by stoning or

by means more natural), I will imagine him standing

there beside me, as he did that glorious morning

once before, and saying, ―Cast no stones in her di-

rection. She belongs to me.‖

— A Stone’s Throw Away from Death

Guest Editorial: Fallen Woman Narrowly Escapes Rocky End

PAGE 13 MARCH 23

OPINION PAGE THE WAILING WALL STREET JOURNAL

A Today’s submission is written by a

former resident of Jerusalem who now resides in an unnamed Judean village.

Scripture reference: John 8:1-11


KIBROTH – Health depart-

ment officials along with law

enforcement personnel are

accompanying EMT rescue

units in an urgent attempt to

curb what is believed to be a

severe case of food poisoning

in a region of the Paran Wilder-

ness. A significant number of

Hebrew nomads are already

confirmed dead, with the tally

climbing by the minute.

Officials at the scene are

divided as to whether the sick-

ness is due to an outbreak of

e-coli or an epidemic of bird flu

passed on to human consumers.

Reports of an enormous flock

of quail in the area just prior to

the onset of the illness are lead-

ing some to cry ―Fowl!‖ while

one bystander quipped that it

looks like a case of ―bird flew.‖

But the death rate is no laugh-

ing matter. Preliminary evi-

Investigation Underway in Case of Possible Food Poisoning

dence suggests that all victims

of the outbreak have partaken

of the tainted meat, with strict

vegetarians having thus far

avoided sickness. The public is

advised to avoid eating winged

creatures until further notice.

Scripture reference: Numbers 11

One of thousands of quail that descended on an area of the Wilderness of Paran on Monday, and the possible source of what is believed to be an outbreak of food poisoning among a large group of Hebrew nomads.

Hundreds feared dead

in Paran Wilderness;

foul fowl suspected

By CALEB ABRAHAMSON

Sanai Sun-Times Staff Reporter

A3 SINAI SUN-TIMES TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 20

JERUSALEM – Workers at

an eastside vineyard are protest-

ing what they claim to be unfair

hiring practices on the part of

management. Disgruntled wage-

earners could be seen picketing

throughout the day in front of the

offices of Very Fine Vines, a

family-owned vineyard on the

outskirts of Jerusalem.

Union representatives main-

tain that the landowner’s policy

of paying a uniform daily wage to

all farmhands, regardless of total

hours worked, actually discrimi-

nates against those employees

who begin working earlier in the

shift. Some employees have re-

portedly been compensated for a

full day’s labor while working

only a half-day or quarter-day,

Vineyard Crew Threatens Walkout over Unfair Pay Scale

and in some cases, merely a sin-

gle hour. This inequity, protestors

argue, is seriously undermining

employee morale at the vineyard

and may even be compromising

safety.

Attorneys for the landowner

insist that their client is an equal

opportunity employer who treats

all farmhands fairly, in agreement

with their union contract. They

claim that in every instance full-

time farmhands have been com-

pensated in accordance with

signed agreements. Lawyers for

the vineyard further maintain that

the owner’s recruitment policies

have been instrumental in reduc-

ing the ranks of the region’s un-

employed, a claim, they say, that

is supported by statistics.

Meanwhile, full-time employ-

ees have threatened a walkout but

have expressed a willingness to

participate in arbitration. The

vineyard plans to continue opera-

tions while talks move forward.


Difference of Opinion —The harvesting of grapes at Very Fine Vines in town may be in jeopardy if workers and management fail to resolve differences over the current pay scale. Disgruntled wage-earners have expressed frustration over

BETHLEHEM – Police late

last night received a complaint

from a man against his next-door

neighbor for disturbing the

peace—over a few loaves of day-

old bread. The incident occurred

in the residential district of Beth-

lehem, a city whose name, ironi-

cally, means ―house of bread.‖

The trouble began around

midnight when a Southside resi-

dent’s normally cordial neighbor

allegedly began pounding at the

family’s front door, requesting a

few loaves of bread to feed an

unexpected guest just arrived

from Arimathea. The complain-

ant, who was sound asleep in bed

with his family at the time, claims

that he asked the noisy neighbor

to cease and desist, but to no

avail. The pounding, he says, was

relentless. Eventually the com-

plainant rose from his cozy bed

and granted the petitioner’s re-

quest—and the silence, at last,

was again golden.

The breadwinner, for his part,

maintains that he was desperate

and did not intend to cause a dis-

turbance, other than to get his

urgent request satisfactorily an-

swered. He reports that the bread

was satisfactory, although a bit

stale.

―Next time I’ll bother the

neighbor to the other side,‖ he

stated. The complainant has since

decided not to file charges.


Late-night Bread Request Disrupts Family’s Rest; Next Time Needy Neighbor Will Go Elsewhere

THE WAILING WALL STREET JOURNAL PAGE 3

Full-time compensation

to part-time workers

riles full-timers’ temper

BY NATHAN SAMUELSON

WAILING WALL STREET JOURNAL

BETHANY – Funeral services

for a man from Bethany have

taken an unexpected, and unprece-

dented, turn. As was reported in

previous editions, a local resident

by the name of Lazarus died ear-

lier this week following a brief

illness, and his body was laid to

rest in a family tomb just outside

the village of Bethany, a sleepy

suburb two miles east of Jerusalem.

Now, fast-forward four days to

the belated arrival of a close fam-

ily friend, namely Jesus of Naz-

areth, renowned healer of the sick.

Sisters of the deceased had been

pinning their hopes on the miracle

worker’s arrival some days ago as

their younger brother languished;

now, however, they were finding

his unexplained tardiness nearly

unbearable.

Imagine, then, the mourners’

perplexity when Jesus boldly re-

quested that bystanders roll away

the stone sealing the tomb where

Lazarus had been lying for several

days. Imagine, too, the raised eye-

brows when he began calling for

his friend to come out.

Was it some sort of a joke?

Who would be so insensitive as to

Mourners Celebrate as Nazarene Calls Dead Man from Tomb

play on the emotions of grieving

friends and family?

Resurrection no joking matter

But it wasn’t a joke when the man

whom everyone had given up for

dead did exactly as he had been

told—and came walking out of the

tomb, still wrapped in the burial

clothes! Those who were present

(and, no doubt, a few who were

not) say they experienced a mix-

ture of ―shock and awe‖ at what

they are unabashedly calling a

supernatural act.

Some skeptics ask questions

But while friends of the de-

ceased and followers of the Naza-

rene are claiming a mind-boggling

miracle, a few skeptics and critics

are asking questions of the coro-

ner’s office. Was the man actually

Happy Days — Mary, left, and Martha, are all smiles in the aftermath of their younger

brother’s alleged return from the grave. Lazarus was reportedly raised from the dead

on Thursday by Jesus of Nazareth, a friend of the family who was visiting at the time.

While some rejoice, skeptics question coroner’s diagnosis

By MATTHEW JOHNSON

Judean Journal Staff Reporter

A3 THE JUDEAN JOURNAL FRIDAY, MAY 23

Born Again! Lazarus, 29, a

native of the town

of Bethany, has

reason to rejoice,

having escaped

not only a life-

threatening illness,

but, in the view of

some witnesses,

death itself. His

cure (or resurrec-

tion, if you prefer)

is being credited to

Jesus, the Naza-

rene healer and

miracle worker.

JEZREEL – District prose-

cutors are planning to file mur-

der and embezzlement charges

against Queen Jezebel, whom

they believe is responsible for

arranging the contract killing of

a neighbor so that her husband,

the reigning King Ahab of

Samaria, could confiscate the

dead man’s property.

The 37-page indictment

alleges that Jezebel intended to

embezzle a productive vine-

yard that had been in the

neighbor’s family for genera-

tions. She and her husband re-

portedly desired the property

because it was close to their

residence and would be con-

venient as a vegetable garden.

Murder, Embezzlement Charges Forthcoming Against Queen Jezebel; King Ahab Implicated

Prosecutors maintain that

Jezebel conspired with officials

from the town of Jezreel to

have the neighbor, a farmer

named Naboth, falsely accused

and subsequently executed.

Naboth’s sons were stoned to

death along with their father.

The executions took place July

27 outside the city limits.

Letters bearing Jezebel’s

seal have apparently surfaced

in Jezreel, pointing to her in-

volvement in a plan to frame

Naboth for blasphemy, which

is a capital offense. Now Jeze-

bel herself, along with several

as yet unnamed town officials,

faces the death penalty for con-

spiracy to commit murder.

Charges of embezzlement are

also being considered against

King Ahab.

A palace spokesman refused

to comment on the charges,

preferring to wait until the in-

dictment has been inspected by

the queen’s lawyers. Mean-

while, several calls to Ahab’s

palace have gone unanswered.

Scripture reference: 1 Kings 21

The vineyard formerly owned by Naboth, as viewed from the palace of King Ahab and Queen Jezebel in Jezreel. Prosecutors maintain that Jezebel plotted Naboth’s execution last July in order to annex the fertile property.

Letters have surfaced

implicating queen in

vineyard owner death

By OBADIAH SAMUELSON

[email protected]

THE SAMARIAN SENTINEL PAGE 3

Queen Jezebel, left, is alleged to have orchestrated the death of Naboth, center, whose family’s vineyard is near the palace of King Ahab, right.


JERUSALEM – Workers at

an eastside vineyard are protest-

ing what they claim to be unfair

hiring practices on the part of

management. Disgruntled wage-

earners could be seen picketing

throughout the day in front of the

offices of Very Fine Vines, a

family-owned vineyard on the

outskirts of Jerusalem.

Union representatives main-

tain that the landowner’s policy

of paying a uniform daily wage to

all farmhands, regardless of total

hours worked, actually discrimi-

nates against those employees

who begin working earlier in the

shift. Some employees have re-

portedly been compensated for a

full day’s labor while working

only a half-day or quarter-day,

Vineyard Crew Threatens Walkout over Unfair Pay Scale

and in some cases, merely a sin-

gle hour. This inequity, protestors

argue, is seriously undermining

employee morale at the vineyard

and may even be compromising

safety.

Attorneys for the landowner

insist that their client is an equal

opportunity employer who treats

all farmhands fairly, in agreement

with their union contract. They

claim that in every instance full-

time farmhands have been com-

pensated in accordance with

signed agreements. Lawyers for

the vineyard further maintain that

the owner’s recruitment policies

have been instrumental in reduc-

ing the ranks of the region’s un-

employed, a claim, they say, that

is supported by statistics.

Meanwhile, full-time employ-

ees have threatened a walkout but

have expressed a willingness to

participate in arbitration. The

vineyard plans to continue opera-

tions while talks move forward.


Difference of Opinion —The harvesting of grapes at Very Fine Vines in town may be in jeopardy if workers and management fail to resolve differences over the current pay scale. Disgruntled wage-earners have expressed frustration over

BETHLEHEM – Police late

last night received a complaint

from a man against his next-door

neighbor for disturbing the

peace—over a few loaves of day-

old bread. The incident occurred

in the residential district of Beth-

lehem, a city whose name, ironi-

cally, means ―house of bread.‖

The trouble began around

midnight when a Southside resi-

dent’s normally cordial neighbor

allegedly began pounding at the

family’s front door, requesting a

few loaves of bread to feed an

unexpected guest just arrived

from Arimathea. The complain-

ant, who was sound asleep in bed

with his family at the time, claims

that he asked the noisy neighbor

to cease and desist, but to no

avail. The pounding, he says, was

relentless. Eventually the com-

plainant rose from his cozy bed

and granted the petitioner’s re-

quest—and the silence, at last,

was again golden.

The breadwinner, for his part,

maintains that he was desperate

and did not intend to cause a dis-

turbance, other than to get his

urgent request satisfactorily an-

swered. He reports that the bread

was satisfactory, although a bit

stale.

―Next time I’ll bother the

neighbor to the other side,‖ he

stated. The complainant has since

decided not to file charges.


Late-night Bread Request Disrupts Family’s Rest; Next Time Needy Neighbor Will Go Elsewhere

THE WAILING WALL STREET JOURNAL PAGE 3

Full-time compensation

to part-time workers

riles full-timers’ temper

BY NATHAN SAMUELSON

WAILING WALL STREET JOURNAL

Guest Editorial:

Ask Yourself a Simple Question

In regard to the farfetched and

sacrilegious notion that the Nazarene

carpenter is some sort of a prophet

(or even the promised Messiah!), I

can answer with a simple question—

one that even the simpleminded

among us (we can only hope) will be

able to comprehend.

Ask yourself: Has even one of

the leaders of the Pharisees believed

in him? If this man Jesus were, in

fact, from God, would not the reli-

gious leaders have the wherewithal

to recognize that fact?

The uneducated masses do not

know the law; they can barely feed

themselves! Far better to leave the

complex issues of theology to those

trained in those complexities! Do

you think that the Holy One would

bypass the curators of the Hebrew

Religion and speak directly to babes

and imbeciles?

Align yourself with the Law and

its esteemed Keepers and you will

find yourself on level ground.

—Walking on Level Ground

(Scripture: John 7:40-53; Luke 10:21)

Straight and Narrow

In response to a recent guest edi-

torial (―Ask Yourself a Simple Ques-

tion‖), let me just say that the ―level

ground‖ the writer refers to, while it

may be found in the Law, may be

found as well in the paths trod by the

Carpenter from Nazareth. Did not

John the Baptizer himself, upon in-

troducing Jesus to the crowds along

the River Jordan, admonish his lis-

teners to ―make straight and level the

way of the Lord?‖ Call me simple-

minded if you insist. I’ll take the

straight and level ―low road‖ while

you take the ―high(minded) one‖ and

we’ll just see who gets to Jerusalem

before the other.

– Flat-footed Fool

(Scripture: add here add here)

Cousins in Cahoots?

What the ―Flat-footed Fool‖ fails

to mention is that the Baptizer was

the Nazarene’s own cousin! Of

course he introduced him as some-

one of importance—the two of them

were in cahoots!

— Still Walking on Level Ground

Playing by the Rules

I concur with the opinions of

your esteemed Guest Editorialist. A

man truly sent from God would not

have healed someone on the Sabbath.

God Himself would not lift a finger

on that day, nor did He, according to

the Pentateuch. Send us a prophet

who plays by the rules and we will

acknowledge and respect him. Mean-

PAGE 10 PALESTINE POST-DISPATCH

THE PUBLIC PULSE HIGHLIGHTS FROM RECENT EDITIONS

while, imposters must learn the price

to be paid for deception and disobe-

dience.

— Well-rested

Back to the Sabbath Question

Are we back to that overblown

issue of Jesus performing a healing

on the Sabbath? He himself already

settled that matter by asking the reli-

gious establishment point blank a

pertinent and penetrating question—

and one that is easily answered (by

anyone with a heart, that is): Would

you not jump into a pit on the Sab-

bath to rescue one of your animals?

If so, then why shouldn’t a human

being be rescued on such a day?

In my mind, that settles the issue!

Leave it to a fossilized Pharisee to

keep beating a dead horse. (Of

course, the reason the horse is dead

is that the ―law-abiding‖ Pharisee

refused to jump into the pit and res-

cue it on the Sabbath!)

— Animal Lover (7 days a week)

(Scripture: add here add here)

Not Checking the Calendar

As the owner of a calf that did, in

fact, fall into a pit only a week ago, I

can answer Jesus’ question categori-

cally that I did NOT check the calen-

dar (nor the time of day) before

jumping into the pit to lift my calf to

safety!

— Enough Said

Down in the Pits

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