by

AlexanderBerzin

Preface13

PARTI:DEALINGCONSTRUCTIVELYWITHSENSITIVITYISSUES17

1IdentifyingSensitivityDisorders19

WhatIsSensitivity?19

Exercise1:IdentifyingSensitivityDisorders20

FormsofHypersensitivity20

ManifestationsofInsensitivity22

2GeneratingaFeelingofLovingCompassion26

FeasibilityofImprovement26

RequiredSkills26

Meditation27

BasicApproach28

OrderofPractice29

AbbreviatingtheTraining31

Posture32

InitialProceduresforEachExercise33

RationalandIntuitiveApproaches34

ConcludingProcedures35

Exercise2:GeneratingaFeelingofLovingCompassion36

3ImaginingIdealSensitivity38

QualitiesSuggestedbytheBuddha-bodies38

FormsofSensitiveResponse39

QualitiesofMindandHeart39

Exercise3:ImaginingIdealSensitivity41

FeelingBalancedSensitivityTowardaPartnerandTowardOurselves44

4AffirmingandAccessingOurNaturalQualities46

TheNecessityforaPragmaticTechnique46

Buddha-nature47

Basis,Pathway,andResultantLevels47

AcknowledgingOurStoreofPositivePotential48

AppreciatingOurStoreofDeepAwarenessandAbilitytoBeInspired49

Exercise4:AffirmingandAccessingOurNaturalAbilities49

5RefrainingfromDestructiveBehavior51

TheNeedforEthics51

DefinitionofDestructiveBehavior51

TenDestructiveActions52

MotivationforEthicalTraining52

Exercise5:ResolvingtoRefrainfromDestructiveBehavior53

6CombiningWarmthwithUnderstanding57

TheNecessityforJointDevelopmentofWarmthandUnderstanding57

TakingOthersSeriously57

BeingUnafraidtoReact58

TakinginAllInformation59

ActingStraightforwardly59

RefrainingfromOfferingUnwantedorUnneededHelp59

Exercise6:FiveDecisionsforCombiningWarmthwithUnderstanding60

PARTII:UNCOVERINGTHETALENTSOFOURMINDANDHEART65

7ShiftingFocusfromMindandfromOurselvestoMentalActivity67

IntegratingMindandHeart67

MindIsNotSomePhysicalEntityinOurHead68

MindastheEver-changingExperienceofThings68

IndividualityofExperience69

MindasanUnbrokenContinuum70

GeneralDefinitionofMind71

SignificanceoftheDefinitionofMindforSensitivityIssues72

Exercise7:ShiftingOurFocusfromMindandfromOurselvestoMentalActivity73

8AppreciatingtheClearLightNatureofMentalActivity78

MentalActivityasClearLight78

FourTypesofClearLightNature79

NothingCanAffectMind'sFourfoldClearLightNature79

RelevanceofClearLighttoIssuesofSensitivity80

Exercise8:AppreciatingtheClearLightNatureofMentalActivity80

9AccessingtheNaturalTalentsofOurMindandHeart85

ClearLightTalents85

NaturalConcerntoTakeCareofSomeone86

TheRelationbetweenConcernandAppearances86

NaturalWarmthandjoy87

Exercise9:AccessingtheNaturalTalentsofOurMindandHeart88

10ApplyingtheFiveTypesofDeepAwareness90

TheFiveTypesofAwareness90

Mirror-likeAwareness91

AwarenessofEqualities92

AwarenessofIndividualities93

AccomplishingAwareness94

AwarenessofReality95

TheNecessityforIntegratingtheFiveTypesofDeepAwareness95

Exercise10:ApplyingtheFiveTypesofDeepAwareness96

PARTIII:DISPELLINGCONFUSIONABOUTAPPEARANCES99

11ValidatingtheAppearancesWePerceive101

StatementoftheProblem101

ConfirmingtheConventionalValidityofWhatWeSense101

ValidatingtheDeepestFactofRealityAccordingtotheSelf-VoidnessPosition103

ValidatingtheConventionalandDeepestFactsofRealityAccordingtotheOther-VoidnessPointofView104

AcceptingtheConventionalFactsofRealityThatWeValidlyExperience105

RejectingtheAppearancesThatContradicttheDeepestFactsofReality106

Exercise11:ValidatingtheAppearancesWePerceive107

12DeconstructingDeceptiveAppearances112

TheNeedforDeconstructionTechniques112

FocusingonLife'sChanges113

PastandFutureLives114

RaisingAwarenessofPartsandCauses115

UsingtheImageofWavesontheOcean117

ThreeFormsofCompassion118

DevelopingCompassionforOurselvestoAvoidOverreactingtoSlowProgress119

13FourExercisesforDeconstructingDeceptiveAppearances120

Exercise12:VisualizingLife'sChanges120

Exercise13:DissectingExperiencesintoPartsandCauses123

Exercise14:SeeingExperiencesasWavesontheOcean126

DispellingNervousSelf-consciousnesswithOthers128

BecomingMoreRelaxedwithOurselves129

Exercise15:CombiningCompassionwithDeconstruction130

14GraspingatMind'sNaturalQualitiesforSecurity132

StatementoftheProblem132

SevenNaturalQualitiesThatWeGraspforSecurity133

ALinguisticSchemeforIdentifyingtheFormsTheseProblemsMayTake134

Exercise16:IdentifyingtheSyndromesofGraspingatMind'sNaturalQualitiesforSecurity134

GraspingorFearingPhysicalActivity135

GraspingorFearingVerbalExpression137

GraspingorFearingSensoryorMentalExperience138

GraspingorFearingExpressionofWarmConcern139

GraspingorFearingExpressionofEnergy141

GraspingorFearingRest141

GraspingorFearingExpressionofPleasure142

15RelaxingDualisticAppearancesofMind'sNaturalQualities144

DispellingInsecuritythroughDeconstruction144

Exercise17:RelaxingDualisticAppearancesofMind'sNaturalQualities145

PhysicalActivity147

VerbalExpression148

SensoryandMentalExperience149

ExpressionofWarmConcern150

ExpressionofEnergy151

Rest153

ExpressionofPleasure155

FeelingComfortablewithOthersandwithOurselves156

16DispellingDiscomfortattheEightTransitoryThingsinLife159

EightTransitoryThingsinLife159

DeconstructingDualisticAppearancesofReceivingorGivingAnyoftheEight160

Exercise18:DispellingDiscomfortwiththeEightTransitoryThingsinLife161

ReceivingorGivingPraiseorBlame162

ReceivingorConveyingGoodorBadNews163

BeingtheRecipientorAgentofGainsorLosses165

ReceivingorFulfillingExpectationsorDemands166

BeingtheRecipientorAgentofThingsGoingWellorPoorly168

AvoidinganEmotionalRollerCoasterWhenDirectlyRelatingtoSomeone169

AvoidingEmotionalExtremesWhenRelatingtoOurselves170

17DissolvingDisturbingEmotionsintoUnderlyingDeepAwareness172

Naivety172

PrideandMiserliness174

LongingDesireorAttachment175

Jealousy175

Anger176

WorryandComplaint177

Exercise19:DissolvingDisturbingEmotionsintoUnderlyingDeepAwareness178

OvercomingLonelinessandResolvingConflicts183

DislodgingLowSelf-esteem185

PARTIV:RESPONDINGWITHBALANCEDSENSITIVITY187

18AdjustingOurInnateMentalFactors189

TenMentalFactorsThatAccompanyEachMomentofExperience189

TheSpectrumTheseInnateMentalFactorsEncompass191

HowTheseFactorsFunctionduringMomentsofInsensitivity193

Exercise20:AdjustingOurInnate-Mental-Factors194

FocusingTheseFactorsonOthersandonOurselves197

GainingaBalancedViewofOthersandofOurselves199

19UnblockingOurFeelings201

DifferentiatingVariousAspectsofFeelings201

FeelingSomeLevelofHappinessorSadness201

RiddingOurselvesofUpsettingFeelingsThatBlockSensitivity202

OvercomingAlienationfromFeelings204

SerenityandEquanimityastheContainerforBalancedFeelings205

ComponentsofSympathy206

FeelingNoSympathy207

OvercomingFearofUnhappinessWhenFeelingSympathy208

TheRelationbetweenLoveandHappiness209

TrainingtoRespondtoProblemswithNon-upsettingFeelings210

Exercise21:AcceptingSufferingandGivingHappiness211

HelpingOthersandOurselvestoOvercomeInsecurity213

20MakingSensitiveDecisions216

Feelings,Wishes,andNecessity216

ReasonsforFeelingLikeDoingSomethingandWantingtoDoIt217

ChoosingbetweenWhatWeWanttoDoandWhatWeFeelLikeDoing220

DoingWhatWeNeedtoDo221

AlienationfromWhatWeWanttoDoorWhatWeFeelLikeDoing222

Decision-making222

NotIdentifyingwithWhatWeWanttoDoorFeelLikeDoing224

NotKnowingWhatWeWanttoDoorFeelLikeDoing224

FeelingsandIntuition225

CompromisingOurPreferencesforThoseofOthers226

SayingNo226

Exercise22:MakingSensitiveDecisions227

Bibliography233

Buddhataughtthatlifeisdifficult.Achievingemotionalbalance,forexample,ormaintaininghealthyrelationshipsisnevereasy.Wemakethesechallengesevenmoredifficultthanisnecessary,however,foravarietyofreasons.Amongthemarelackingsensitivityincertainsituationsandoverreactinginothers.AlthoughBuddhataughtmanytechniquesforovercominghardshipsinlife,traditionalIndianand Tibetan Buddhist texts do not explicitly address the topic of sensitivity. This is because theSanskritandTibetanlanguageslackequivalenttermsforinsensitivityandhypersensitivity.Thisdoesnotmeanthatpeoplefromtheseculturesdonotsufferfromthesetwoproblems:theymerelydonotorganizethevariousmanifestationsofthemundertwogeneralterms.InadaptingBuddha'smethodsforself-improvementtothemodemWesterncontext,however,itisnecessarytoaddresstheseissuesasformulatedinaWesternidiom.Thisbookattemptstomeetthischallenge.

Somepeople object to learning from ancient sources.They feel thatmodem times call for newsolutions. Nevertheless, the basic obstacles preventing balanced sensitivity are universal. Somemodernfactorsmaycontributetotheproliferationofourlackofsensitivity,suchasoverexposuretoviolenceontelevisionandisolatingtheelderlyininstitutions.Others,suchasdramaticbackgroundmusic inmovies, highlight andglamorize overreacting.These factors, however,merely aggravatethe deeper causes that have always been present-selfpreoccupation, insecurity, fear, and confusion.Furthermore, throughout history, people living through the horrors of war, famine, or naturaldisasters have become immune to others' suffering. Inmany societies, only the strong andhealthysurviveandarevisible.Moreover,peoplehavealwaysoverreactedtogainattention,aswithtoddlersshowing offwhen relatives visit. It is cultural self-centeredness to think thatwe and our times areuniqueandthatwecannotlearnfromthepastorothersocieties.

MymainBuddhist teacherwasTsenzhabSerkongRinpochey, the lateMasterDebatePartnerandAssistant Tutor ofHisHoliness theDalai Lama. I had the privilege to serve for nine years as hisinterpreterandsecretary.WheneverSerkongRinpocheygaveinitiationsintopracticesofthehighestclass of tantra, he explained that five types of deep awareness naturally endow our mind. Heillustratedthispointwitheverydayexamples.Forinstance,weeachhavemirror-likeawareness:ourmindtakesinallthevisualinformationwesee.Normally,however,wedonotpayfullattentiontothedetails. Receiving an empowerment from a tantric master stimulates such forms of awareness togrow.Asaresult,weattainthefivetypesof"Buddha-wisdom,"suchastheabilityofaBuddhatobeattentive to everything. During the years following Rinpochey's death, I reflected deeply on thesignificanceofthispoint.Gradually,Irealizedthatitsuggestedaprofoundguidelinefordevelopingbalancedsensitivity.

Serkong Rinpochey displayed great flexibility in his teaching style, always adapting it to hisaudience. Inspired by his example, I set about developing a set of meditative exercises forrecognizingandenhancingthefivetypesofawarenessasamethodforimprovingsensitivityskills.TomaketheseexercisesmoreaccessibletoWesternaudiences,Iborrowedseveralapproachesused

in self-development workshops. These techniques include having the participants sit in a circlelookingateachotherandhavingthemworkwithamirror.Ibegantoteachtheseexercisesin1991invarious Buddhist centers around the world and refined the techniques based on experience andfeedback. A transcript of one of these courses was published in German as Funf Weisheiten: imAryataraInstitute.V.,Munchen(1993)(Munich:AryataraInstitut,1994).

Manypeoplefoundthesedeepawarenesspracticeshelpfulandrequestedmetowriteabookonthetopic. I originally planned to use as its basis a transcript of one ofmy courses.When I found thematerial tooshort forabook, Ibeganexpanding the topicandformulatingadditionalexercisesonotheraspectsoftheissue.Asmyworkprogressed,itsoonbecameapparentthattheseexercisescouldbe organized in a logical progression to form a complete program for developing balancedsensitivity.

This book of exercises addresses primarily two audiences. The first consists of members ofBuddhistcentersofanydenomination,eitherwithinoroutsidetheTibetanfold,whohavereachedaplateau in their practice and are looking for additionalmaterial to stimulate their progress.Oftenpeoplereachaplateauwhentheyareunabletoapplytheirmeditationtodailylife.Tomeetthisneed,this program weaves together facets of diverse traditional practices into new exercises. They aredirectednotonlyattheircustomaryfocus-peopleinourimagination-butalsoatothermembersofagroupandatourselves.Theseexercisescanthussupplementthestandardmeditationpracticesofsuchcenters,especiallywhenthecenterslackaresidentteacher.

The secondaudience is anyone seeking techniques forovercoming sensitivitydisorders, but notpersonssodysfunctionalthattheyrequireprofessionalhelp.AlthoughthebookprovidestheBuddhistsources for each exercise, undertaking the training at home or in a sensitivityworkshop does notrequire understanding or even being aware of this background. Because this text is a workbook,however,readingitrequiressufficienttimetopauseforreflectionaftereachpointorexample.ThisfollowstheBuddhistpedagogictechnique.Aterselywordedpresentationstimulatesareadertoworkouttheimplications.Withsincereeffort,heorshesoonexperiencesinsightandgrowth.

For a short, introductory course, the following exercises may be extracted from the completeprogram:ExercisesOne,Two,Three,Four,Ten,ElevenandTwenty.

The structure of the book derives from a traditional approach to voidnessmeditation: the four-point analysis.First,weneed to identify theproblem.Next,weneed tounderstand the technique todispel theproblem,so thatweareconvincedof itsvalidity.Basedonthesefirst twopoints,wecanthenfollowthattechnique.Theprocedureistoeliminatetwoextremepositions,coveredbythelasttwopoints.Here,thetwoextremesareinsensitivityandhypersensitivity.

ThefirstdraftofthisbookwascompletedinDharamsalaandNewDelhi,India,duringthespringand summer of 1997. During the autumn of that year, I taught different parts of this program inBuddhistcenters inGermany,Holland,Mexico,Poland,Switzerland,and theUkraine.Basedon theresponses, I modified the exercises and prepared the final draft during the winter of 1997/98 inMunich,Germany;Raglan,Wales;andErnst,Holland.

I wish to thank the organizers and participants of these courses, as well as Ven. Steve Carlier,Rajinder Kumar Dogra, Dr. Gary Goodnough, Aldemar Hegewald, Dr. Martin Kalff, SylvieKammerer, and Alan and Irene Turner, for their invaluable suggestions. I especially thank Alnis

Grants, ThirzaHappe,HermanHorman, BurgelNorris, andAlan and Irene Turner for their kindsupport while providing the facilities for completing this book, and the students of the AryataraInstituteinMunichforbeingthepatientaudienceforitsfinaladjustments.Lastly,IdeeplythanktheKaporFamilyFoundationforfundingtheprojectandtheNamaRupaFoundationforadministeringthegrant.

AlexanderBerzin

Munich,Germany

February27,1998

Certain people seem naturallymore sensitive than others. Sometimes this is an admirable quality.Partners are sensitive to each other's moods and do notmake demands when the other has had adifficultday.Becauseofthistypeofsensitivity,ourrelationsarehealthierandourlivesarehappier.Let us call this ability "balanced sensitivity." Inother cases, being sensitive is a disability. Insecurepeoplearesensitivetothepointthattheirfeelingsarehurtattheslightestremark.Thissyndromeisknownashypersensitivity.At theother endof the spectrum lies insensitivity.Self-centeredpersonsareinsensitivetotheeffectsoftheirwordsonothersandsaywhatevercomestotheirheads.

Sensitivity, then, is a variable that encompasses awide spectrum. It ranges from insensitivity tohypersensitivity, with balanced sensitivity somewhere between. The degree and quality of oursensitivity, however, are not mathematical constants that remain fixed for a lifetime. Througheducationand training,wecanchange them ifwewish.Todoso,weneed to lookcloselyatwhatsensitivitymeans.Doing this enables us to differentiate the factors thatmake it an advantage or adrawback.Wecanthenexplorevarioustechniquesfordevelopingorenhancingthepositivefactorsandforreducingoreliminatingthenegativeones.

Sensitivityhasbothphysicalandmentalforms.Physicalsensitivitydependsonthebody'ssensoryapparatus or immune system. A surgeon, for instance, has sensitive fingers and a person withallergiesissensitivetodust.Inthisbook,weshalldealexclusivelywiththeformofsensitivitythatisa quality of the mind and heart. Such sensitivity may be to the environment, business, politics,wildlife,otherpersons,orourselves.Here,weshallexplorethelasttwoforms.

Sensitivity is a function of two variables-attentiveness and responsiveness-each ofwhichmaybeeither dysfunctional or balanced. With attentiveness, we note the condition of someone, theconsequencesofourbehaviortowardhimorher,orboth.Responsivenessisourreactiontowhatwenotice.Wemayrespondwithanemotion,athought,words,actions,orsomecombinationofthefour.

Twoadditionalfactorsempathyandunderstanding-contributetobalancedsensitivity,butneednotbepresentforus toreactconstructively.Supposearelativesuffersfromterminalcancer.Althoughimagininghisorherpainmaybedifficult,wecanstillnursethepersonwithsensitivecare.Further,whenwecomehomeinaterriblemood,wemaynotunderstandwhatisbotheringus.Nevertheless,wecan still haveenough sensitivity togo to sleepearly.Themore empathyandunderstandingwehave,ofcourse,themoreablewearetoreactappropriately.

The eighth-century Indian Buddhist master Shantideva explained that unless we can see a targetclearly,wecannotshootanarrowintoitsbull's-eye.Similarly,unlesswecanrecognizethespecifictypesofdysfunctionalsensitivityfromwhichwesuffer,wecannoteffectivelytreatthem.Therefore,the first step inourprogram is to considervarious formsofhypersensitivity and insensitivity andthentocheckwhetherornotweeverexperiencethem.Asbotharemultifaceteddisorders,weshalluseschematicoutlinestounfoldtheirvarieties.Althoughtheselistsarenotexhaustive,theyincludethemorecommonsensitivitydisorders.

The first schemepresents fivesetsofalternative formsofbehavior regardingothersorourselves.Thealternativesareeitherabalancedwayofactingorahypersensitiveone.Pausingaftereachpairof alternatives, we need to consider which of the cited examples is more typical of us. If neitherexamplefitsourpattern,wemaytrytofindillustrationsthataremorerelevanttoourpersonallife.Recalling specific incidents,weneedalso toconsiderwhichof thealternatives leavesusorotherswithpeaceofmindandwhichmakesusorothersupset.Thishelpsus topinpointourproblematicareasandtomotivateourselvestodosomethingaboutthem.

(1)Wemaypayattentiontoasituationineitherabalancedoranoverintensemanner.Regardingothers,wemayaskoursickchild,forexample,howheorshefeelsorwemightpesterhimorherwith this question every five minutes. Concerning ourselves, we may watch our health or be ahypochondriac.

(2)Payingattentionto theconsequencesofouractionsmaytakeeitherabalancedorananxiousform.Regardingothers,wemayconsidertheiropinionwhendecidingsomethingorwemightbesofrightenedofdisapprovalthatitdisablesusfromdoingwhatisbest.Concerningourselves,wemaytakecaretodowellatschoolorwemightworryobsessivelyaboutfailure.

(3) We react to what we notice in two ways-either dispassionately or emotionally. Regardingothers,supposewenoticesomeonetryingtopassusonthehighway.Wemayreactsoberlyandshiftlanesorwemightbecomeheatedandmutterobscenities.Concerningourselves,wemayreactcalmlytomisplacingourkeysandsearchsystematically,orwemightpanic.

Figure1:Balancedandhypersensitivealternatives

Furthermore, an emotional reaction may be balanced or disturbing. In either case, the reactionusuallytakesoneoftwoforms.Eitherwereactbyacceptingorembracingthematterorwerespondby rejectingoreliminatingsomething.The followingexamples in thedeathofa lovedoneclarifythisdistinction.

(4)Wemayaccept thematter, focuson thedeceased, andeither compassionately sayprayersorobsessivelylongfortheperson.Focusingonourselves,wemayeithermournwithdignityorwallowindepression.

(5)Wishing to eliminate something,wemay focus on the deceased and either responsibly clearawaytheperson'sunfinishedbusinessorbegrudgehimorherforhavingdesertedus.Focusingonourselves,wemayeithergainthestrengthtoovercomeourdependencyorpunishourselveswhowefeelshouldhavediedinstead.

The second scheme presents six commonmanifestations of insensitivity, each of whichmay alsoregard others or ourselves. Continuing our introspection, we need to look for traces of the citedexamplesorofotherillustrationswemayfindinourselves.Whenbalancedalternativestoaformofinsensitivityexist,weneedtoconsiderwhichalternativeismoretypicalofus.

(1)Wemaynotnoticeorpayattentiontoasituation.Regardingothers,wemaynotnoticethatarelativeisupset.Ourlackofattentionmaybeduetopreoccupationwithothermatters,orlaziness,ornotcaring.Concerningourselves,wemaynotpayattentiontothefactthatourrelationshipwithourpartnerisunhealthy.Thisoftenoccurswhenweareinsecureorhavelowself-esteem.

(2)Similarly,wemaynotpayattentiontotheconsequencesofouractions.Regardingothers,wemaynotnoticethatwehavehurtsomeone'sfeelings.Concerningourselves,wemaynotnoticethatoverworkiscausingusstress.Inthesefirsttwoformsofinsensitivity,ourinattentionmaygobeyondnotnoticingsomething.Wemightalsodenyitsexistence.

Evenifwenoticeandacknowledgeeitherasituationortheconsequencesofouractions,wemaystillnotdoanythingaboutit.Thismaytake(3)anappropriateformor(4)aninappropriateone.Intheformer case, abalanced feelingornoperceived feelingmayaccompanyour inaction. In the lattercase,amixedfeeling,anoverreaction,ornoperceivedfeelingmaybepresent.Amixedfeeling isone that has both balanced and detrimental aspects. Except when a balanced feeling accompaniesappropriatelyrefrainingfromaction,theotherreactionsareallinsensitive.

Regardingothers,wemaynoticesomeonewhohasfalleninthestreetandnotstoptoofferhelp.Our reaction is appropriate or inappropriate depending, for example, onwhether or not someonecompetentisalreadycaringforthepersonorcallingforhelp.Ifothershavetakenresponsibilityandwewouldonlybeinthewayifwestayed,wemayfeelcompassionaswepassbyorwemightfeelnothing.Theformerreactionisbalanced;thelatterisnot.Ifnooneishelpingandwedonotstop,wemayhavemixedfeelings:wemayfeelcompassionbutbeafraidtobecomeinvolved.Alternatively,wemaybecomeupsetorwemightfeelnothing.

Regardingourselves,wemaynoticethatwefeeltired.Yet,weignorethisanddonotstopworking.Ourresponsemayormaynotbeappropriatedependingonwhetherornotweneedtocompleteanurgenttask.Furtherconsiderationsincludewhetherornotwearephysicallyandemotionallyabletocontinueworking,andwhetherornotwehaveresponsibilitiesthataremoreimportant.Ifnottakingabreak is theappropriatechoice,wemayfeela senseof responsibility in ignoringour tiredness. Insuch a case, our emotions are balanced.On theother hand,wemaybe insensitive to our feelings.Suppressingresentment,wemayfeelnothing.

Ifnottakingabreakisaneurotic,inappropriateresponse,wemayhavemixedfeelingsinignoringourtiredness.Ontheonehand,wemayhavekindfeelingstowardourselvesbut,ontheother,wemaybecompulsiveaboutwork.Alternatively,ignoringfatiguemaybeanoverreaction:wemaybeupsetabout personal problems andwant to lose ourselves inwork.Whenwe are out of touchwith ouremotions,wemayhavenoperceivedfeelingsasweunnecessarilyrefusetotakeabreak.

(5)Evenwhenwenotice something inothersorourselvesandact in response,wemaynot feelcertainemotionsthataretypicalforthesituation.Thismayoccurinabalancedway,inamixedway,orwithnoperceivedfeelingsatall.Concerningothers,wemayattentivelycareforasickperson,feelcompassion, and usematurity andwisdom to dispel any fears thatmight interferewith helping. Insuchacase,oursensitivitytothepersonisemotionallybalanced.Ontheotherhand,wemightcarefortheperson,feelcompassion,andsuppressourfearsbecauseofnotwantingtoappearweak.Here,our sensitivity to the person mixes compassion with a disturbing attitude of pride. When pridepreventscautionorwhendistractioncausessuppressedfear toarise,wemaybecomeinsensitive totheperson'sneedsdespiteourcompassion.Wemayalsocareforthepersonwithoutanyfeelingsatall,likeanurseattendingapatientinacold,businesslikemanner,simplyasajob.Whenthishappens,wemaybecomeinsensitivebothtothepersonandtoourselves.

Concerning ourselves, we may follow a special regime when sick and not feel certain typicalemotions in the same three manners. We may be concerned about our health and use emotionalmaturitytodispelouranxietybecauseweknowthatapositiveoutlookwillspeedourrecovery.Withamixedhealthyandneuroticattitude,wemaybeconcernedandsuppressouranxietybecausewewanttoappearstrong.Ontheotherhand,wemightbetotallyoutofbalanceandnotfeelanythingwhilenursing ourselves. Not feeling anything, however, either positive or disturbing, is different frombeingdispassionateandcalm.Calmnessisastateofbalance,notanabsenceoffeelings.

Figure2:Formsofinsensitivity

(6)Supposewenoticesomethinginothersorourselves,actinresponse,andfeelsomethingwhileacting. Still, our decision of what to do may be insensitive because our judgment is unbalanced.Regardingothers,wemaygivethemwhatwewant,suchaseconomicsecurity,ratherthanwhattheywant,suchasmoreunderstandingandaffection.Alternatively,wemaygivethemwhattheywant,forexampletoysorcandytoascreamingtoddler,ratherthanwhattheyactuallyneed,moreofourtimeandattention.Concerningourselves,wemaydowhatwefeellikedoing,forinstanceeatingapieceofcake,ratherthanwhatweneedtodo,keepingtoourdiet.

Havingexaminedourselveshonestly,mostofushaveprobablydiscoveredthatwehaveexperiencedmanyofthesensitivitydisordersoutlined.Thisshouldnotdauntus.Althoughthetaskofdevelopingbalancedsensitivityiscomplexandchallenging,itaimsforafeasiblegoalthatwecanachieve.

Everyoneiscapableofbeingsensitive.Whenwewereababy,forexample,wenoticedwhenourstomachwasemptyorourmotherwasabsent.Wefeltdiscomfortorlonelinessandreactedbycrying.Ifweweretotallyinsensitive,wecouldneverhavedonethat.Wewouldhavesimplylaininourcribwithindifference,feelingnothingandnotreacting.

Everyoneisalsocapableofcurbinghypersensitivity.Aswegrewup,for instance,wedevelopedcomposureso thatnowwedonotcryat the firstpangsofhunger. Ifwewere incapableofpatient,calmaction,wecouldnotsimplygototherefrigeratorandtakesomethingtoeat.Thisshowsthatwehaveabasisfromwhichtoimprove.

Thetechniquesfordevelopingbalancedsensitivityfocusontwomajoraspects.Thefirstisbecomingmore attentive. The second is reacting more constructively and healthily with feelings, emotions,words,andactions.Tobecomemoreadeptandnaturalateitheraspect,weneedtoeliminatepossibleblocks.

Some obstacles equally prevent being attentive and being responsive. For example, we may bepreoccupied, unconcerned, lazy, or haunted with fears of inadequacy. These disturbing emotionsimprisonus in lonelinessandalienation.Wepay littleattention toourexternalor internalsituationanddonotreact.Otherobstaclesaremorespecific,althoughnotexclusivetooneortheotheraspectofsensitivity.Whenmentalchatterfillsourhead-whetherjudgments,worry,orjustsheernonsense-wedonotpayattentiontoanythingelse.Whenwefantasizetheimpossible,suchasbeingunworthyofanyone'slove,wedonotrespondtowhatwenotice,orweoverreact.

Developing balanced sensitivity, then, requires cultivating confidence, concern, discipline,concentration,andasoberviewofreality.Indevelopingthesepositivequalitiesandskillsnecessaryfor any form of self-improvement, we overcome the obstacles preventing each. Confidenceeliminatesfeelingsofinadequacyandself-doubt.Concerndoesthesamewithindifference,disciplinewithlaziness,concentrationwithmentalchatteranddullness,anddiscriminationofrealitywithbeliefinfantasy.

Meditationtechniquessuggestwaystodeveloptheskillsrequiredforachievingbalancedsensitivity.To meditate means to accustom oneself to some positive quality so that it eventually becomes anaturalpartofone's character.With repeatedpractice,wecan trainourselves tokickaballover apost.Similarly,throughmeditation,wecantrainourselvestodealmoresensitivelywithlife.

Meditationemploysvariousmeans togenerate a constructive attitudeor feelingor to recognizeone that isalreadypresentasan inbornquality.Wemaydevelop love, forexample,by thinkingofothers' happinessorbycontacting thenaturalwarmthofourheart.TheGelug traditionofTibetanBuddhismemphasizestheformermethod,whiletheNyingmaschoolteachesthelatterinitsdzogchen(greatcompleteness)system.Westernphilosophicalsystemsclassify the twoapproachesas rationalandintuitive.

Bothrationalandintuitivetechniquesrequirestillingthemindofextraneousthoughtsanddullness.Wecannotconsiderothers'problemsortapourinnatekindnesswhenworryorfatigueoverwhelmsourmind.Concentrationisessentialtoreachthedesiredfeeling.Oncewehaveachievedthatfeeling,wefocusitrepeatedlyonotherpersonsoronourselves,butwithoutverbalization.SilentlysayingIloveyoumaydistanceusfromourfeelingsormayreinforceuncertaintyaboutourconcern.Directlyexperiencinglove,throughnonverballyfocusingitonsomeone,buildsitintoastablehabit.Thisisthefirststepinmeditation.Thesecondstepistoassimilatethenewcustombyconcentratingfullyonthewarmheartwehavenurtured.Wefeelitisnowanintegralpartofourpersonality.

TheGelugtraditioncallsthesetwostages"discerning"and"settling,"or"analytical"and"formal"meditation.Thedifferencebetweenthestagesislikedifferencebetweenactivelyseeingournewborninfantasourchildandthenbaskinginthefeelingofnowbeingaparent.Thethirdstepistoalternatethefirsttwo:focusingthedesiredattitudeonsomeoneandthenlettingthefeelingofitsinkin.Thisreinforcesournewbeneficialhabit.

Thisprogramfordevelopingbalancedsensitivityconsistsofaseriesoftwenty-twoexercisesbasedon the structureofmeditation.People fromanybackground,however,maycomfortably follow itstraining.Theonlyrequirementsareasinceremotivationandbothknowledgeandunderstandingofwhattodo.

Any self-development program that can be practiced on one's own offers potential danger forpersons lacking a reasonable level of mental health. This axiom is true regarding this series ofexercises. If,uponreadingafewchaptersof thisbook,wequestionourability todealemotionallywiththematerial,weshouldnotattemptthetraining.Professionalhelpmaybemoreappropriateasastart. We do not need to wait, however, until we are perfectly balanced before undertaking thisprogram.Whenwearesufficientlymaturesothatstrongemotionsdonotdestabilizeus,wemaytrythesetechniques.

Motivation is essential. Without being dissatisfied with our present situation, we do nothing toimproveit.Weneedtolookhonestlyatthequalityofourlife.Morespecifically,weneedtoexaminethequalityofourrelationswithothersandwithourselves.Ifwefindtheserelationshipsdeficient,weneedtoconsiderwhetherwewantthemtodeterioratefurther.Dowewantfuturerelationsalsotobeunhealthy?Dowewish to disable ourselves from helping others because of our inability to formsensitivebonds?Deepreflectiononeachofthesepointsiscrucialforundertakingthisprogram.

Movedtoaction,weneedtosearchforthecausesofourdifficulties.Supposewediscover,throughthe first exercise, that our interactions often contain one or more forms of insensitivity orhypersensitivity.Weneedtocontemplatehowourrelationshipsmightimproveifweweretoreduceand eventually eliminate these imbalances. Once we have understood the causal relation betweensensitivitydisordersandthequalityofourlifeandwearesufficientlymotivated,wearereadytolookforremedies.

Thefirststepistolearnaboutpositivequalitiesthatcanhelpandthetechniquesfordevelopingandheightening them.Thenextstep is to think themoverandconsider themcarefully. If theymakenosenseordonotseemworthwhile,tryingtocultivatethemispointless.Onceweareconvincedoftheirrationalityandpersonalvalue,however,leavingthermasintellectualknowledgeisnotsufficient.Weneedtointegratethesequalitiesintoourlifethroughpropertraining.

The cleansing of attitudes or "mind training" literature, known as lojong in Tibetan Buddhism,recommendsgeneratingpositivefeelingsfirstforoneselfandthenslowlyextendingthemtoothers.Westerners,however,seemtohaveaspecialproblemwithlowself-esteemandalienation.Manyfindit difficult to relate to themselves at all, let alone relate sensitively and kindly. Therefore, forWesterners,developingsomeexperienceofbalancedsensitivitytowardothersfirstandthendirectingittowardthemselvesseemsamoreappropriateorder.

Manypeople in theWest alsoexperience seriousproblems in theirpersonal relationships.Sinceinteractions with others can sometimes be too much to handle, following the lead of modernpsychologymaybebetter.Treatmentoftenbeginswithprivatetherapybeforeworkinginagroup.

Most exercises in this program contain three phases of practice. Their order reflects the aboveconsiderations.Thefirstphaseinvolveslookingatphotographsofvariouspeopleorsimplythinkingofthemthroughamentalimage,afeeling,theirname,orsomecombinationofthethree.TraditionalBuddhistmeditation favorsvisualization;nevertheless, if ourpowersof imagination arenotvivid,focusingonaphotoismoreeffective.Inchoosingapicture,onewithaneutralexpressionaffordsthemostopenbasisfordevelopingsensitivityskills.Formanyoftheexercises,usingaphotomerelyasa point of referencemay bemore convenient than focusing directly on the picture throughout theprocess.

Depending on the exercise, the personswe choose for this first phase of practice vary betweensomeone we love, someone with whom we have a close but emotionally difficult relationship,someonewedislike,andatotalstranger.Peopleinthefirstthreecategoriesmaybecurrentlyinourlifeorfromthepast.Theymayevenbedeceased.Ifwehavepreviouslyhadadifficultperiodwithsomeonewithwhomwehaveahealthyrelationshipnow,wemayworkwithaphotoorimageofthepersonfromthatperiod.

Some people may have had a traumatic experience with a parent or relative who abused them.Applyingtheseexercisesinitiallytowardsuchpersonsisinadvisable.Theemotionsthatarisemaybetoo powerful. After some progress in the training, however, directing these methods at theseespeciallydifficultpeoplemaybehelpful,underpropersupervision.Theaimoftheexercisesisnottodenyortoexcusetheirdestructiveactions,buttohealthedamageinflicted.Forpeaceofmind,weneed to relate, without emotional upset, to our memories and feelings. We also need balance inrelatingtothepersonnowifheorsheisstillpartofourlife.

Thesecondphaseentailsworkingwithothersinperson.Duringmanyoftheexercises,wesitinacircleandfocusinturnoneachmemberofagroup.Frequently,wealsobreakintopairsandfocusmoreintimatelyononepersonatatime.Ineithercase,thepracticesaremoreeffectivewhenrepeatedwithavarietyofpeople.Optimalistoincludesomeoneofeachsex,someoneolderandyoungerthanweare,andsomeonefromadifferentethnicorracialbackground.Practicingbothwithpersonsweknowandwith those less familiar isalsohelpful. Ifourgroup lacksmembers fromsomeof thesecategories,wemaysupplementthisphasebyfocusingonmagazinephotosofpeoplenotrepresented.

The third phase focuses on ourselves. It involves first looking in a mirror and then reflectingquietlywithoutamirror.Itconcludeswithlookingataseriesofphotographsofourselvestakenoverthespanofourlife.Ifwedonothavephotosfromacertainperiod,wemaysimplythinkofourselvesaswewerethen.Snapshots,however,arealwayspreferablesincememoryrarelyproducesaclearorobjectivepicture.

This programmay be carried out either alone or, preferably,within the context of aworkshopunder proper guidance.Oncewehave learned the techniques as part of a group,wemay continuetrainingathome,eitherbyrepeatingtheentiresequenceofexercisesorbyfocusingonmerelythoseparts that we find most helpful. As with traditional sadhana practice-multi-scene mental dramasvisualized for establishingapure self-image-familiarity firstwith thecomplete trainingenablesusafterwardstokeepthecontextinmindwhendeepeningourpracticeofanyofitsaspects.Occasionalreview of the entire program, by reading the Table of Contents, refreshes our awareness of thiscontext.Whentrainingalone,wemaysubstitutethepartnerphaseofeachexercisewithfocusingonpicturesofdiversepeopletakenfrommagazinesorfromourphotoalbum.

Practicing these exercises in their proper sequence, with only one per session, brings optimalresults. Inmanyof theexercises,eachof the threephaseshasseveralpartsandeachparthasmanysteps.Weneedtospendatleastthreeminutesoneachstepand,forsomesteps,wemaywishtofocusforup to tenminutes.Onephaseoronepartofanexercisemaysuffice fora session.Thisallowspropertimetointegrateandsettleourexperience.Wemayrepeateachexerciseoroneofitsphases,parts, or steps as frequently as is useful, both before and after proceeding to the next one in thesequence.

Mostpeoplewillwishtoreadtheentirebookbeforecommittingthemselvestoanyformoftraining.Aworkbook,however,isnotdesignedforbrowsingorcasualreading.Asthestyleispurposelyterse,afirstreadingrequiressufficienttimetopauseandreflectaftereachpoint.

Some people may wish to do only an abbreviated practice. Others may find it useful to workthrough the sequence of exercises first in a short form before repeating them in full or joining agroup.Wemay abbreviate the training by practicing only several of the exercises, by limiting thescope of each exercise, or by doing both. An introductory weekend course, for example, mightinclude Exercises Two, Three, Four, Ten, Eleven, and Twenty. The topics would be: identifyingsensitivity disorders, generating a feeling of loving compassion, imagining ideal sensitivity,affirmingandaccessingournaturalqualities,applying thefive typesofdeepawareness,validatingtheappearancesweperceive,andadjustingourinnatementalfactors.Iftimedoesnotpermit,wemayomit the last two topics. A one-day seminar would comprise: generating a feeling of lovingcompassionandapplyingthefivetypesofdeepawareness.

Ifwewishtolimitourscopewhenpracticingaspartofagroup,wemayabbreviatebylookingatapicture or thinking of only one person during the first phase of each exercise.During the secondphase,wemightworksimply inacircleor facingonlyonepersonand,during the third, focusonourselves only in a mirror or merely without one if mirror practice is normally skipped in theexercise. Those training alone may further abbreviate the program by omitting the second phasealtogether.

Practicing these exercises does not require an acrobatic position or an exotic setting. Sittingcomfortablyinaquietplacewithshoesoffissufficient.Wemaysitonacushionplacedeitheronthefloororonafirmbed,orwemaychooseafirmchair.Ineachcase,weneedtosituprightwithourbackstraight,butnotstiff,andourmusclesrelaxed.Maintaininggoodposturehelpstokeepthemindclearandalert.Thoseusingachairneedtokeepbothfeetflatonthefloor.Thoseseatedonacushionneedtochooseapillowofappropriatethicknessandhardnesssothattheirlegsdonotfallasleepandtheir back does not become strained. Those sitting cross-legged should place the cushion beneaththeirbuttockssothattheirkneesarelowerthantheirbehind.

Keepingtheshouldersdownandlevel,notraisedasifworkingatadesk,isimportant.Holdingtheshouldersupatattentioncreatesoraccentuatestensionintheneck.Ifwenoticesuchtension,wemayfindithelpfultoraiseourshouldersandthentodropthemforcefullytoreleasethetension.Wealsoneed to keep ourmouth and teeth relaxed, not clenched. Resting the hands in the lap, with palmsfacingupwards and the right handon top of the left, leaves themuscles in the arms fully relaxed.Moreover, keeping the tongue touching the upper palate just behind the front teeth reduces salivaproductionsothatwearenotdistractedbyafrequentneedtoswallow.

During thepartsof theexercisespracticedwhile sittingaloneand thinkingof someone,wemaykeepoureyeseitheropenorclosed,whicheverfeelsmorecomfortable.Ineithercase,bendingourheadslightlydownwardisbest.Thoseleavingtheireyesopenneedtofocuslooselyonthefloorandnot pay attention to their field of vision. Keeping the eyes open, however, obviously is essentialduring thosepartsof theexercises requiring lookingat apicture, atotherpeople inacircle, at anindividualpartner,oratamirror.Duringsuchpractice,wemayblinknormally,withoutstaring.

Beginning each session with a short breathing practice is helpful for turning our attention frompreviousactivities.Todothis,webreathenormallythroughthenose,nottooquickly,nottooslowly,not too deeply, not too shallowly, and without holding the breath. The healthiest breathing cycleconsistsofthreephases-exhalation,aquietperiodofrest,andtheninhalation.Silentlywecountthiscycleasone,thenextastwo,andcontinueuntileleven.Werepeatthesequenceasecondtime.

Next,weestablishorreaffirmourmotivationforpracticingtheexercise.Thishelpstopreventourtraining from becoming mechanical. We remind ourselves, for example, that we would like toachievebalancedsensitivitysothatwecanuseourpotentialsfor thebenefitofeveryone, includingourselves.

Lastly,weconsciouslydecidetoconcentrateduringthesession.Ifourattentionwanders,weintendtoreturn it to its focus. Ifwebecomesleepy,weintendtowakeourselvesup.Torefreshourselvesbeforethemainpractice,wemayfocusforaminuteonthepointbetweentheeyebrows.Whiledoingthis,weneed tokeepourhead leveland lookupward.This raises theenergy in thebody.Tocalmourselvesifnervousorpreoccupied,weneedtorefineourenergy.Toaccomplishthis,wemaynextfocusforaminuteonthenavel,keepingtheheadlevelandlookingdownward.

Whenpracticingwithapartner,peopleoftenbegin to laugh.This frequentlyhappensbecauseofnervousness or because of unfamiliarity with prolonged eye contact. People may also laughuncontrollablyasanunconsciousmechanismtoavoidpersonalcontact.Thissyndromeoftenhidesawkwardnessorfear.Countingthebreathoncemoreandfocusingonthenavelbeforebeginningthesecond phase of each exercise reduces the chances of laughter arising. To quiet the energies iflaughter erupts,wemay revert to counting the breath and focusing on the navel for as long as isnecessary.

Asanaidforkeepingfocus,duringmostof theexercises thegroupfacilitatormayoccasionallyrepeatkeyphrasesand thereminder"nomentalcomments."Heorshemaydo thisonephraseatatimeforeachstateofmindthatwetrytogenerateor,atminimum,repeattheentiresequenceslowlyforthefinalintegrationattheendofeachphase.Whenpracticingalone,wemayrepeatthephrasestoourselves, silentlyor aloud.Having a list beforeus as a visual aidmay alsobeuseful.When in agroup,wemayalsosaythephraseofthemomentsilentlytoourselvesifwenoticethatourfocushasweakened.

Some practices in this program take a rational approach, while others take an intuitive one. Therationalapproach todevelopingbalancedsensitivity is togenerateapositive feeling, suchas love,usingthesameapproachaswhenreachingaconclusionthroughBuddhistlogic.Werelyonalineofreasoningandanexample.Thisapproach isespeciallyuseful forpersonswithblockedfeelingsoremotions.Suchpeoplefinddifficultyinfeelingsomethingspontaneously.Reasonprovidesthemaneasier access.When theyunderstandwhy certain feelings are reasonable, theyhave fewer fears orobjectionstotryingtoexperiencethem.

Some persons with blocked feelings, however, find that relying on a line of reasoning isinsufficientforgeneratingaconstructivefeeling.Theyknowintellectuallyhowtheyshouldfeel,buteithertheystillfeelnothingorwhattheyfeelseemsartificialandshallow.Sometimes, thisleadstofeelingguiltyorinadequate.Suchpersonsneedtopersevere.Forexample,swimmingwithacertainstrokemayseemunnaturalatfirst.Yet,withrepeatedpractice,itbecomesaperfectlynormalaction.The same is true with learning to feel something positive toward others or toward ourselves.Repeatedly generating a feeling through a line of reasoning leads to slowly beginning to feelsomething. This occurs as objections and blocks start to weaken. At first, that feeling may seemcontrived.Yet,overtime,itbecomessonaturalthatrelyingonreasonisnolongernecessarytofeelanemotion.

On the other hand, people who are emotional often find relying on reason quite alien. Theyconsiderfeelingsgeneratedbylogictobeinsincere.Forsuchpersons,theintuitiveapproachmaybemore appropriate. It entails quieting down and working with feelings that naturally arise. Theemphasisisonremovinganydisturbingelementsthatblockoradulterateintuitivefeelings.

Nomatterwhich typeofpersonweare, lookingdownoneitherstyle isdetrimental toprogress.Dismissing the rational approach as too intellectual, or the intuitive one as completely irrational,deprivesusofreapingthebenefitsofboth.Trainingwithacombinationofthetwois,infact,themosteffectivemethodfordevelopingbalancedsensitivity.

Thosewho are rationally inclined find that once they begin to experience the feelings they aretryingtogenerate,intuitivelyorientedexercisesreinforceandenhancethosefeelings.Suchexercisesconvincethemthattheyhaveanaturalsourceofpositiveemotionswithinthemselves.Thishelpsthemtoprogressbeyondthestageofexperiencingtheirfeelingsascontrived.

Intuitivelyinclinedpersonsfindthatoncetheyquietdownandaccesstheirfeelings,exercisesthatrelyon reason add stability to their experience.Moreover, such exercises give theman alternativetechniqueforgeneratingpositivefeelingswhentheyareinabadmoodorwhennegativeemotionsoverwhelmthem.Theyalsofindtherationalapproachusefulwhenthepersontowardwhomtheyaretryingtofeelsomethingpositiveisactinghorribly.

Weneed toconcludeeachexercisewith thewish thatsuchreflectionandpracticecontribute toourbecoming amore balanced and sensitive person, for our own and others' sake.We alsowish thateveryonemightachievethisstate.Suchconcludingwishesareknownasthe"dedication."

Ifadeepandmeaningfulconversationabruptlyendswiththetelephoneringing,thepositiveenergyisimmediatelyshatteredandlost.If,however,theencounterendswithamutualacknowledgmentofhowwonderful itwas andwith thewish that the communication deepen in the future, the result isdifferent.Thepositivefeelingcreatedand the insightsgained lingerwitheachperson.Thesame istrue regarding the positive energy of the insights and experiences gained through these exercises.Theybecomemorestableandbringmorebenefitwhenwededicatethemtowardachievingourgoals.

Toreducedistractionfromdisorderornoise,wetrainatfirstonlyinthecontrolledatmosphereofaclean,quietroom.Manyoftheseexercisesmayelicitstrongemotions.Therefore,practicingthemintheprotectedspaceofprivacy,aloneoramongsympatheticfriends,reducestension.Gradually,webroaden our endeavor and practice generating constructive feelings in "live" situations. Using thesametechniquesaswhentrainingaloneoraspartofaworkshop,wetrytodirectthesefeelingstothepeopleweseeinthesupermarket,onthebus,oranywherewehappentobe.Suchpracticehelpsustobecomemoresensitivetopeople'sactualsituationsandnottooverreactbasedonpreconceptions.

Over time, the qualities we try to cultivate through these exercises become a natural part ofourselves. Our personality is no more fixed than our athletic skills. With motivation and propertechniques,wecandevelopeither.

Sincemostoftheexercisesintheprogramaremultistage,letusbeginwithanunelaboratedpracticeforgeneratingafeelingoflovingcompassion,whichwillaccustomustotheprocedure.Loveisthewish for someone to be happy and to have the causes for happiness. Compassion is the wish forsomeonetobefreefromsufferingandfromthecausesforpain.Togeneratethesefeelings,weshallusetherationaltechniqueofrelyingonalineofreasoningandanexample.Here,thereasonisthateveryonewantsanddeservestobehappyandnottosuffer.Theexampleisourselves.Justaswehavethiswishandright,sodoeseveryoneelse.

Thefirstphaseoftheexercisebeginswithlookingatapictureorsimplythinkingofsomeonewefind exasperating-for example, a loud, overbearing uncle or aunt.We try to think how everyone,despitepersonalshortcomingsorobnoxioushabits,wantsanddeservestobelovedandnotrejected,justaswedoourselves.Then,lookingatouruncleoraunt,wetrytorecognizethatthispersonisahumanbeing.Likeus,heorshebothwantsanddeservestobehappy.

Regardingour relative in thisway,we try togenerateanddirect towardhimorhera feelingoflovingcompassionbasedon thisunderstanding.Wewishouruncleoraunt tobehappyandnot tosuffer,butdonotverbalizethiswishinourmind.Tohelpmaintainfocus,ourgroupfacilitatororweourselvesmayoccasionallyrepeatthekeyphrase,"lovingcompassion."Wethensitback,figurativelyspeaking,andtrytofocusonourfeeling.Thisenablesustoaffirmanddigestit.Lastly,wealternatelookingwithlovingcompassionandfocusingonthefeeling.

Duringthesecondphaseoftheexercise,wesitinacirclewithagroupandlookateachpersoninturn.Relyingonthepreviouslineofreasoning,wethink,"Everyonewantsanddeservestobehappyandnottosuffer,justasIdo.Thisisahumanbeing.Therefore,heorshehasthesamewishesandrights as 1 do." In this way, we try to generate a loving, compassionate feeling for the person.Actively regarding each person in thisway for aminute,we then try to let our feeling sink in byreaffirmingandconcentratingonit.Wemayusethesamephraseasbeforeandthenalternatelookinganddigestingbeforegoingontothenextperson.

Afterthis,wepairoffwithapartner.Withoutbeingintenseorintrusive,wegentlylookintheotherperson'seyesandrepeat theprocedure.When lettingour feelingof lovingcompassionsink in,wemayeithercontinuelookingatthepersonoravertoursightbriefly.Theotherpersonmayfinditrudeifweshutoureyes.

Thethirdphasebeginswithlookingatourselvesinamirrorandrepeatingaslightvariationofthepreviouslineofreasoning:"Everyonewantsanddeservestobehappyandnottosuffer,forinstanceothersIknow.Iamahumanbeing.Therefore,Ihavethesamewishesandrightsaseverybodyelse."Whenawarmcompassionatefeelingarises,wedirectitatourimage.Afterafewmoments,wetrytoletthatfeelingandexperiencesinkin.Puttingdownthemirror,werepeattheexercise,tryingtoaimourpositivefeelingsdirectlyatourselves.Wemaykeepoureyesclosedor looselyfocusedonthe

floor.

Somepeoplehavehadparticularlydifficultperiodsintheirlife.Theyoftenfeelespeciallynegativetowardthemselvesatthoseages.Theymayalsofeelthattheycannotrelatetowhotheywereatthosetimes.Even ifwedonothave thisproblem,weconcludeby lookingat a seriesofphotographsofourselvesfromrepresentativeperiodsinourlife.Wetrytogenerateafeelingoflovingcompassiontowardthepersonwhomweseeineach.Wedothisbythinking,"Everyonewantsanddeservestobehappyandnottosuffer,justasIdonow.Iwasahumanbeingthen.Therefore,Ihadthesamewishesand rights then as I do now." Such practice is useful for integrating our life's experiences anddevelopingabalanced,holisticattitudetowardourselves.

Developingbalancedsensitivityrequiresaclear ideaof thegoalwewishtoachievesothatwecanfocusoureffortsinthatdirection.ABuddhaisaparamountexampleofsomeonefullysensitiveinthepositive sense and totally free of all negative aspects. The descriptions of a Buddha's qualities,therefore,suggestthefeaturesweneedtoachieve.

A Buddha is, literally, someone totally awake-someone who has overcome all shortcomings andrealizedallpotentialsforbeingofmaximumhelptoothers.ThequalitiesofaBuddhaaredistributedamongthevarious"Buddha-bodies"suchapersonhasattained.ABuddha-bodyisacollectionofavastarrayofcomponents,notnecessarilyphysical.

Each Buddha has a dharmakaya or body encompassing everything and a rupakaya or body ofenlightening forms.The former is the collectionofqualities that comprise a fullywise, all-lovingmind. The latter is the infinite assortment of physical forms inwhich a Buddhamanifests to helpothers.

Ifwewish to be fully sensitive in the positive sense,we need qualities similar to bothBuddha-bodies. As if we had a body of fully wise, all-loving awareness, we need deep concern abouteverythingandeveryoneandattentiontoalldetails.Understandingeachsituationandpersonenablesustoknowhowtohelp.Wealsoneedcompleteflexibilitytorespondappropriately,assuggestedbyhavingabodyofenlighteningforms.

Rupakayahastwoaspects:asambhogakayaorbodyofformsoffulluseandanirmanakayaorbodyof emanations. The former is an array of subtle formsmaking full use of Buddha's teachings onaltruism. The latter is an assortment of grosser forms emanated from sambhogakaya. The tantraliterature-texts of advanced techniques for self-transformation-explains sambhogakaya as thecollection of all forms of enlightening speech. Nirmanakaya is the full assortment of visibleenlighteningforms,nomatterthelevelofsubtlety.

Perfect sensitivity similarly requires full use of our body and communicative skills. We needsensitivityinhowwespeaktoothersandinhowweact.Moreover,sensitivephysicalresponsesneedtospanseveral levels.Onasubtle level,weneed toshowsympathywithour facialexpressionandbodylanguage.Onagrosserlevel,weneedtogive,forexample,acomfortinghug,ortohelpwiththedishes.

Abodyofformsisnotlikeacollectionofsuitsinawardrobe.Tofitanoccasion,aBuddhadoesnot choose a particular coarse or subtle form from a fixed repertoire. Instead, a Buddhaspontaneously appears inwhatever form helping others requires. Similarly,whenwe are properlysensitivetoothers,wedonotrespondwithafixedroutinechosenfromamongacertainnumberwehavelearned.Reactingtootherswithasetresponsemakesusstiffandunnatural.Itcausesotherstofeelwe are insincere.We need to be flexible and respond spontaneouslywith heartfelt words andactions.

Dharmakaya also has two aspects: a jnana-dharmakaya or body of deep awareness and asvabhavakaya or bodyof self-nature.TheTibetan traditions offer several explanations.TheGeluglineageandsomeSakyaauthorsasserttheformertobethefullywise,all-lovingmindofaBuddha,withdeepawarenessofeverything.Thelatteristhe"self-devoid"natureor"self-voidness"ofsuchamind.Theself-voidnessofsomethingisitstotalabsenceofexistinginafantasized,impossibleway.

The Kagyii and Nyingma schools and several Sakya authors explain jnana-dharmakaya as the"other-devoid" nature or "other-voidness" of a fully wise, all-loving mind. Other-voidness is theabsence from the subtlest level of the mind of all grosser levels, such as conceptual thoughts ordisturbing emotions. Other-voidness also implies the endowment of this level of mind with allenlightening qualities. These include compassion, understanding, and the ability to benefit othersthroughrestrainingfrominappropriateactionsandthroughengaginginfittingdeeds.Accordingtothis position, svabhavakaya is the inseparability of the various Buddha-bodies. The Kalachakra(cyclesof time) literatureoffersanothervariation.Svabhavakaya isalso the joyousnatureof fullywise,all-lovingawareness.

Each of these facets of dharmakaya suggests factors needed for developing balanced sensitivity.Propersensitivitydependsnotonlyonloveandunderstanding.Italsoreliesonthefactthatwe,ourheart,andourminddonotexistinfantasizedways.Nooneisthecenteroftheuniverse,norisanyonetotallycutofffromothersorfromthemselves.Moreover,nooneisincapableofbeingsensitive.Thisis because everyone's mind is fully endowed with all abilities, such as the capacity to love, thecompetencetounderstand,andthecapabilitytorestrainfromwhatisinappropriate.

Figure3:TheBuddha-bodies

Furthermore, when we are properly sensitive, our mind remains free of disturbing thoughts,upsetting emotions, and unsettling attitudes. Our feelings, speech, and conduct are integrated andconsistent. Free of the insecurity out of which we project fears and fantasies, our mind is alsonaturallyjoyous.

The following three-part exercise takes a more intuitive approach than the previous one. It issuggested by and a composite of several standardmeditation techniques. First is the procedure ofopenly admitting to our previously committed negative actions and purifying ourselves of their"karmic consequences." Such consequences are the repercussions that follow from the laws ofbehavioral cause and effect. An abbreviated practice comes next to reaffirm our motivation forbehavingmoreconstructively.

We then adopt the basic technique of tantric visualization practice. In tantra,we imagine thatwealreadyhaveaBuddha'senlighteningqualities.Wepictureactingwiththemtowardeveryonearoundus. Here, we shall use the qualities suggested by the characteristics of the Buddha-bodies. Like arehearsalforaperformance,suchpracticefamiliarizesuswiththewaysinwhichwewouldliketoactin the future. This serves as a cause for actualizing these skills more quickly. At the end, westrengthenourresolvebyadoptingthestructureofmeditationonthefour"immeasurableattitudes":love,compassion,joy,andequanimity.

We begin the first phase of the exercise by choosing a form of insensitivity that we haverecognizedinourselves.Wetrytorecallanincidentinwhichsomeoneactedlikethistowardus.Forinstance,ourpartnercamehomeexcitedfromworkandproceededtospeakonlyabouthisorherday.Wehadadifficultdayourselvesandalsowantedattentionandcomfort.Wetrytorecallthepainwefeltatourpartner'sinsensitivity.Perhapswerecallthatwehadblockedourfeelingsandjuststoicallylistened.Ifwelivealone,wemayhavehadasimilarexperiencewhenwetelephonedafriend.Next,wetrytorememberanincidentinwhichweactedinthesameinsensitivewaytowardsomeone.Thepersonmusthavealsofelthurt.

Acknowledgingthemistakeofourinsensitivebehavior,weregretouractions.Regretisdifferentfromguilt.Regretismerelythewishthatwehadnotdonesomething.Weregret,forexample,thatweateamealthatdisagreedwithus.Guilt,ontheotherhand,arisesfromastrongidentificationofwhatwehavedoneas"bad"andofourselvesasthereforea"bad"person.Withguilt,weholdontothesefixedjudgmentsanddonotletgo.Itislikekeepingourgarbageinthehouseandneverthrowingitout.Toovercomefeelingsofguilt,weneedtorealize thatourpreviousactionsare in thepast.Weregretthattheyhappened,butwecannotdoanythingtochangethefactthattheyoccurred.Weneedtogetonwithourlifeandnovalidreasonexistsforhavingtorepeatthesemistakes.

Thenextstepinourexerciseistotrytofeeldisgustwithourinsensitivity.Nolongerwishingtotolerate the isolation and anguish this disorder brings, we determine to rid ourselves of it. Westrengthen our resolve by reminding ourselves of the pain our insensitivity brings others and theunfairnessofthis.Also,themoreinsensitiveweare,themorehamperedwebecomeinourattemptstohelpothers,forinstanceourlovedones.Fortheirsake,wemustovercomeourlackofopennessandbalance.Weresolvetotryourbestnottorepeatouractionandwereaffirmthedirectioninwhich

wewouldliketogo.Wewouldliketodevelopbalancedsensitivitytowardeveryone.

Tobegincounteractingourdetrimentalhabits,wedirectoureffortsinitiallyatthepersontowardwhomwehaveactedinsensitively.WetrytoimagineactingtowardhimorherintheideallybalancedfashionsuggestedbythequalitiesoftheBuddha-bodies.

First, we need to quiet our mind of mental chatter. Two techniques are helpful. The first is abreathing exercise called "letting go."We breathe normally, as described in Chapter Two, with athree-partcycleofexhalation,rest,andinhalation.Whileexhaling,wetrytoimaginethatourverbalthoughts leave uswith our breath.We do not expel the thoughts forcefully, but just gently exhale.Beforeinhaling,werestinthequietspacebetweenbreaths.

To supplement this technique, we may use a dzogchen method. We try to imagine our verbalthoughts to be like writing on water. When we write on water, the letters arise and disappearsimultaneously.Thereisnothingsubstantialaboutthem.Wemaytryanexamplebythinkingslowly,onebyone,eachwordofthethought"Iambored."Withoutvisualizingtheletters,wetrytoimagineeachword to be likewriting onwater.Most people find that the energy of the thought diminishessignificantly.Theyoftenexperiencethatitisdifficultforthenextwordofthethoughteventoarise.

Whenwehaveachievedamodicumofmentalsilence,welookataphotoorsimply thinkof theperson towardwhomwehaveacted insensitively.Aswhenquietingourmindofmentalchatter,weuse the breath and the image of writing on water to try to still our mind of preconceptions andnonverbaljudgments.Wethentrytoreleaseourfeelingofself-importancebyremindingourselvesthatwearenot thecenterof theuniverse.Theotherpersonalsoexists.Wehonor theconventionalboundariesofpropriety.Forexample,wedonotpryintrusivelyintohisorherprivateaffairs.Yet,wetrytofeelthatnosolidwallsstandbetweenus,preventingheartfeltcommunication.Thenonexistenceof walls does not leave us exposed, frightened, and insecure. On the contrary, with no barriersobstructingloveandunderstandingbetweenus,wetrytorelaxourdefensesandfeelnofear.

Experiencing joy at the possibilities of our encounter, we now focus attentively on the person.Trying to look at him or her with warmth and understanding, we also express our concern withappropriatefacialexpressionandbodylanguage.Ifweweretolistentosomeone'sproblemswithablank expression, he or shemight feelwe did not care.On the other hand, ifwewere towear anidioticgrinonourface,thepersonmightfeelwewerenottakinghimorherseriously.Moreover,ifwesitwitharmsfolded,thepersonmightfeelweweredistantandjudgmental.

Exercisingself-controltocurbanydestructivetendencies,weimaginerespondingwithkindwordsand thoughtful actions. If we are listening to someone on the telephone, for example, unless weoccasionallysayatleast"uhhuh,"thepersonsuspectswearenotevenlistening.Ontheotherhand,ifwesaytoomuch,heorshemightfeelwejustwanttohearourselvesspeak.Moreover,listeningwithasympatheticsmile inoureyesandnoddingourheadareoftennotenough.Weneedto takemoredemonstrativestepswithappropriateactions.Forinstance,wemightputourarmaroundsomeone'sshoulders,ifthiswouldbeofcomfort,oroffertohelpwiththeperson'stasks.

Lastly,we need to familiarize ourselveswith these factors.Our group leader orwemay repeatslowly,onebyone,thefollowingthirteenkeyphrasesinsequenceseveraltimes:"nomentalchatter,""no judgments," "no self-importance," "no solid walls," "no fears," "joy," "focus," "warmth,""understanding," "facial expression," "self-control," "kind words," and "thoughtful actions." With

eachphrase,wetrytolookatthepersonwiththestateofmindorfeeling.

Weconcludebyslowlythinkingthefollowingthreethoughts,oneatatime,andbytryingtofeeltheir sentiment sincerely. "Howwonderful itwouldbe if I couldbecome like this." "Iwish I couldbecome like this." "I shall definitely try to become like this." Then, we try to think of a shiningexampleofbalancedsensitivity-whetheraBuddha,aspiritualleader,orsomeonefromourpersonallife.Lookingataphotoorsimplypicturingthepersoninourmind,werequestinspiration.Wetrytoimagine thatwarmyellow light radiates from thepersonand fillsuswith the inspiring strength toreachourgoal.Imaginingthat thefiguredissolvesintoourheart,wetrytofeelourselvesglowingwiththelightofinspiration.

We may repeat the exercise using a form of hypersensitivity that we have also identified inourselves.Wemaytrytorecall,forexample,cominghometired.Payinghardlyanyattentiontothepersonwelivewith,weretired to thesofaandturnedonthe television.If livingalone,perhapsweforgot to call our friend or our parent. He or she became completely upset and overreacted byaccusing us of not caring.We felt hurt at this false accusation: weweremerely too tired to chat.Calmingandreassuringthepersonofourtruefeelingswasextremelyunpleasant.

Next,we try to rememberan incident inwhichwesimilarlyoverreactedwhensomeonebehavedlikethistowardus.Ourhypersensitivebehaviormusthavemadehimorheralsofeelawful.Wethenproceedwiththerestoftheexerciseasbefore.Here,weimagineavoidingtheextremesofspeakingcruellyoractingrashly.

Duringthesecondphaseoftheexercise,wefaceapartner.Wetrytolookatthepersonwiththesamethirteenstatesofmind,attitudes,feelings,andintentionsaswhenpracticingwithaphotographorwitha thoughtofsomeone.Wemayomit,however, thestepsof thepractice thatprecededandfollowedthisprocedure.Tohelpuskeepmindful,wemayusethekeyphrasesasbefore.

Webeginthethirdphasebylookinginamirror.Again,werepeatsimplythesequenceofthirteenattitudes,directingthemnowatourselvesasfollows.Stillingourmindofcomments,wetryalsotoreleaseourfixedattitudesandtoshedourself-judgments.Todispelourfantasies,wenotethatwearenotthemostimportantpersonintheworldortheonlyonewithproblems.Moreover,wetrytoseethattherearenowallspreventingusfromrelatingtoourselves.Anyselfalienationwefeelisbasedonsheerfiction.Unafraid,wetrytofeelreliefandjoyatthepossibilityofbeingopenandrelaxedwithourselves. We then focus with warm understanding and try to exercise self-control so as not tooverreact with low self-esteem nor to be selfdestructive. At ease and at peace with ourselves, wesoftentheexpressiononourfaceandtrytolookwithatleastasmileinoureyes.Weresolvetospeaktoourselveskindly,nottoputourselvesdown,andtotreatourselvesinathoughtfulmanner.

Withthethirteenkeyphrases,werepeat thesequenceseveral timesslowly.Wethenputdownthemirrorandgothroughthesequenceagain,butnowjustfeelingthesentimentswithoureyesclosedorlooselyfocusedonthefloor.Lastly,werepeattheexercisewhiledirectingourattentionattheseriesofphotographsofourselvesspanningourlife.Especiallyhelpfulisworkingwithperiodswewouldratherforgetoraboutwhichwefeelself-hatred.Forinstance,wemayfocusonatimewhenweactedfoolishlyinanunhealthyrelationship.Inplaceofthephrases"kindwords"and"thoughtfulactions,"wesubstitute"kindthoughtsofforgiveness."

Imaginingwhat itwouldbe like tobeasperfectlybalanced inoursensitivityasaBuddhagivesussomeideaofthegoalwewouldliketoachieve.Comparingourpresentlevelofsensitivitywiththisidealalsohelpsmotivateustostrivetowardthisaim.Nevertheless,weneedmorethanthepowerofimaginationtoreachthisgoal.Inaddition,weneedconvictioninourabilitytoachieveitandadown-to-earthbasisfromwhichtogrow.

Thebreathingtechniqueoflettinggoanduseoftheimageofwritingonwatercanbringusaquietmind, at least temporarily.Wemay reinforce this state by focusing on the sensation of the breathpassinginandoutournostrilsaswebreathenormally.Acalmstateofmindservesasaplatformforreachingdeeperlevelsofinnerpeaceandforseeingrealitymoreclearly.However,itisdifficulttogenerateandimplementsuchqualitiesasjoy,warmth,andtenderunderstandingbymerelyconjuringtheminourimagination.Relyingpurelyontherationalapproachoflogicisalsonotsosimple.Theteachings on Buddha-nature suggest a more pragmatic means to access a working level of thesequalities.Followingthesemethodsbringsconfidencethatthegoalispracticable.

Buddhataughtthateveryone,despitegender,age,orrace,couldevolvetothestateofmaturityhehadreached.ThisisbecauseeachindividualpossessesthenaturalfactorsthatallowfortheachievementofBuddha-bodies.Hecalledthesefactors"Buddha-nature."Theyfallintothreebasicgroups.Letuspresenttheminthecontextofhowtheypertaintothetopicofsensitivity.

(1)Themostfundamentalfeaturesthatallowusbalanceinoursensitivityarethemind'sother-voidand self-void natures. No one's mind is permanently cluttered with endless thoughts or hauntingimages.Noone'sheartiseternallyplaguedwithdisturbingemotionsorupsettingfeelings.Moreover,no one'smind exists as inherently flawed or incapable of balance. These other-void and self-voidnaturesareabidingfacts.Weneedmerelytorealizethem.

(2) The basic qualities that allow for balanced sensitivity naturally endow our mind and heart.Thesequalitiesarepartofourinnatestoresofpositivepotentialanddeepawareness-our"collectionsofmeritandwisdom."Inotherwords,everyonehasacertainamountofwarmthandunderstanding.Weneedmerelytoremovetheobstaclespreventingthemfromfunctioningfullyandtobuildthemupfurther.

(3) Our mind and heart can be stimulated to grow. Everyone can be inspired by something orsomeonetoreachnewheights.Thispointaccountsforthefactthatwithfavorablecircumstancesourtalentscanblossom.Weneedmerelyopennessandreceptivity.

Buddhistanalysisdifferentiatesbasis,pathway,andresultantlevelsofcertainphenomena.Thefactorscomprisingthestoresofpositivepotentialanddeepawarenessareamongthem.Theirbasislevelistheirnaturaloccurrenceasfeaturesofourheartandmind.Justaseveryone'sfacecomeswithanoseand a mouth, everyone's heart and mind come with a basic level of warmth and understanding.Variouspracticescanenhancethesequalitiessothattheyfunctionthroughabroadrangeofpathwaylevels.Theselevelsactasapathwayforachievingtheresultantlevel:thefullymaturedfunctioningofthesefeaturesaspartoftheBuddha-bodies.

Sinceeveryonehasatleastabasislevelofqualitiessuchaswarmthandunderstanding,wecanallrecallanincidentinwhichtheywerefunctioningtosomedegree.Memoryofpersonalexperienceisusuallymorevividthananimaginedoccurrence.Consequently,recollectionofacertainfeelingactsasamoreeffectivespringboardforgeneratingitagain.Thisisthetechniqueweshallemployinthenextstepofourtraining.

Positivepotentialresultsfromconstructivebehaviorandripensintohappinessandjoy.Constructivebehavior refers primarily to two activities: helping otherswith loving compassion and restrainingfromacting,speaking,orthinkingundertheinfluenceofdisturbingemotions.Suchbehaviorresultsfromlovingconcernandfromself-control.Therefore,ifweallpossessastoreofpositivepotentialas part of our Buddha-nature, we must also have a basis level of joy as its result and of lovingconcernand self-control as its causes. Ifwecan recognizeandaccess these threequalities,wecandevelopthemfurther.

Happiness or joy is defined as that feeling which, when experienced, we would like to havecontinueorrepeat.Thisdoesnotimplynecessarilybeingattachedtothefeeling.Wemaybecontentandhappywatchingourchildrenatplay,butnotclingtothatexperiencewhenitistimeforthemtogotobed.Nordoesthisdefinitionimplythatafeelingwelikemustbeintensetoqualifyashappiness.Thejoyofrelaxingafteradayofworkisnotdramatic,butispleasurableandsomethingwewouldliketorepeat.

Nomatterhowdourordepressedwemightusuallybe,wehaveallexperiencedmomentsthatwewouldliketocontinue.Surely,everyonehassavoredtheenjoymentoflyinginawarmcozybedinthemorning.Ifwerememberthesimplepleasuresinlife,wecanusethemasafoundationforfeelinghappytobewithsomeone.Theyformthebasisforextendingjoytotheperson.

Everyonealsohasabasiclevelofconcernforothers.Biologistscallittheinstinctforthesurvivalof the species.We see clear evidence of inborn concern for others in small children. Almost allyoungstersinstinctivelyliketotakecareofadoll,ortoplayhouseordoctor.Moreover,asanadult,wegainsatisfactionandfulfillmentwhen,withoutpressureorobligation,wecannurture,guide,orprotectsomeone.Thishappensevenifthepersonisnotourchild.Afterall,everyoneenjoysbeingagoodhostorhostess.Whenwerecallthewarmconcernwenaturallyfeelwhenpreparingandservingatastymealtoaguest,wehaveabasisforextendingthesameregardtoanyone,includingourselves.

All of us can also exercise a certain amount of discipline and selfcontrol.We naturally restrainourselves,forexample,fromdrivingourcardangerously.Recallingthisability,wecanapplyit torestrainourselvesfromactingdestructivelyorinappropriately.

Sinceweeachhaveabasislevelofjoy,regardforothers,andselfcontrol,wecanconcludethatweall have at least some innate store of positive potential. This means that everyone has actedconstructivelyinthepast,tovaryingdegrees.Inotherwords,nooneistotallybad.Affirmingthisisimportant,particularlyregardingourselvesifwesufferfromlowself-esteem.

Weallarebornnotonlywithastoreofpositivepotential,butalsowithastoreofdeepawareness(yeshey).Ourmind has the inherentmechanism that allows us to gain knowledge, to discriminatebetweenwhat isappropriateandwhat isnot, and toknowwhat todo.Forexample,wecansee thedishesinoursink,discriminatebetweentheirbeingcleananddirty,andrealizethatweneedtowashthem.Moreover,allofusarealsocapableoffocusing.Whenwewashthedishes,weremainfocusedonthetaskanddonotdropthem.Acknowledgingtheseabilitiesgivesustheself-confidencetosense,understand,andreactsensibly,withfocusedattention,toothers'orourowncondition.

Lastly,everyone'sheartandmindcanbemovedbysomethingorsomeone-whetheritbemusic,thebeautyofnature,ajustcause,oranoutstandingperson.Recallingtheupliftingfeelingwegainfromwhatevermovesus,wecanharness that feeling forconstructivepurposes.Wecanuse it to inspireourselves to transcend thebasis levelofourrememberedgoodqualities.Thisenablesusslowly tobringthesequalitiestotheirresultantlevelofperfectlybalancedsensitivity,whichwecanonlybegintoimaginenow.

Togainamorevivid feeling forsomequalities thatwemerely imagined in thepreviousexercise,herewe try torememberournaturalexperienceofvariousaspectsofbalancedsensitivity.Wethendirectthesementalfactorsatothersandatourselves,whiletryingtocontinuetofeelthem.

Duringthefirstphase,wefocusonaphotoorsimplyonathoughtofsomeonewithwhomwehaveorhavehadanemotionally tryingrelationship.First,wetrytorecall themellowfeelingof joywefeltatlyinginbedthismorning.Directingitattheperson,wearehappytobewithhimorherandwehave ample joy to share.Remembering our ability to focus onwashing the dishes,we then try tofocusourattentionfully.Next,werecall the regardandcarewe tookwhenpreparingameal forawelcomedguest.Whenwefeelthiswarmth,wealsotrytoredirectittowardthistryingindividual.

Rememberingtheunderstandingwehadwhenwesawthesinkfullofdirtydishes,wethentrytofocus understanding on the person. Bringing to mind the self-control we exercised not to drivedangerouslyonthehighway,wetrytofeelabletorestrainourselvesfromactingdestructivelytowardhimorher.Lastly,werecalltheinspirationwefeltwhenwatchingthesunsetandtrytofeelupliftedsoastomaintainourbalancedsensitivity.

Werepeatthissequenceseveraltimes,eitherlisteningtoourworkshopleaderslowlyrecitingthefollowing six key words or cuing ourselves: "joy," "focus," "warmth," "understanding," "self-control,"and"inspiration."Witheachword,wegenerateanddirect thestateofmindat theperson,focusonthefeelingitself,andthenalternatelookingwiththefeelingandfocusingonit.

At first, we work with merely one state of mind at a time. Gradually, we try to combine andintegrateallsix.Tobegintheprocess,wetrytoputtogetherjoyandfocus,byusingasequenceofjusttwokeywords.Wethenaddwarmthandgraduatetoathree-termedsequence.Increasingoneatatime,westeadilyexpandourstateofmindtoincludeallsixfactorsatonce.

During the second phase of the exercise,we follow the same procedurewhile facing a partner.During the third phase, we direct these feelings at ourselves, first looking in a mirror and thenwithoutone.Whenwehearorsay'joy,"weapplytherememberedfeelingofcomfortatlyinginbedtofeelingateaseandhappytobewithourselves.Asafinalstep,wedirectthesefeelingsattheseriesofphotographsofourselvesspanningourlife.

Responding to others or to ourselveswith balanced sensitivity entails refraining from destructive,harmfulbehaviorandengaginginconstructive,helpfulacts.Restraintfromdestructivebehaviorsetsthefoundation.Forexample,ifwehavenotestablishedaconsistentpatternofcurbingourselvesfrommaking cruel, sarcastic remarks, others will not trust us with their personal problems. This willhappen even ifwenotice theirmoods and showconcern.Therefore,weneed to apply our naturalabilityforself-controltokeepingethicalgroundrulesforourinteractions.

Each system of ethics, whether religious or civil, defines destructive behavior differently. Somesystemshaveasetoflawsestablishedbyheavenlyauthorityorbylegislature.Destructivebehavioristo disobey the law. Others define destructive actions as those that harm others or harm oneself.Knowingwhat is harmful is difficult, however. The same actionmay be detrimental to some andhelpfultoothers.Evenwhendirectedatthesameperson,itmaybedamaginginonesituationandnotin another. For instance, shouting harshwords to someonemay either hurt his or her feelings orrousethepersonfromlaziness.

Buddhistethicsemphasizetheimportanceofmotivationandframeofmindindeterminingwhetheran action is destructive. Besides causing harm and suffering, a destructive action must also bemotivatedbygreed,anger,ornaivetyaboutitsconsequences.Further,itarisesfromhavingnoshameandfromnotfeelingembarrassedbyanythingwedo.Bytheseadditionalcriteria,yellingwithangerat someone to get out of bed, without caring that we are making a terrible scene or a fool ofourselves, is destructive whether or not it hurts the person's feelings. At minimum, it is a self-damagingact,whichbringsussuffering.Wemaybeupsetforhours.

Manyphysical,verbal,andmentalactionsaredestructive.Buddhismdelineatestenthatarethemostharmful.Thisisbecausetheynearlyalwaysarisefromdisturbingemotions,shamelessness,andlackofembarrassment.The tenare (1) taking life, (2) takingwhathasnotbeengiven, (3) indulging ininappropriate sexual behavior, (4) lying, (5) speaking divisively, (6) using harsh language, (7)speaking idle words, (8) thinking covetous thoughts, (9) thinking thoughts of malice, and (10)distorted,antagonistic thinking. Irrespectiveofone's religiousbackgroundorbelief, restraint fromthemispertinentforanyonewishingtodevelopbalancedsensitivity.

Thesetencategoriesalsoincludeotherdestructiveactions.Wedonotneedtokilltocausephysicalharm.Beatingortreatingpeopleroughlyisalsodestructive.Takingwhathasnotbeengivenincludesnot only stealing, but also keeping a borrowed item longer than needed or not returning it at all.Inappropriate sexual behavior is not only rape or adultery, but also sexual harrassment. Whenworking on sensitivity, we need to think as broadly as possible about our behavior and itsconsequences.

In a Buddhist context, wemotivate ourselves to exercise ethical selfcontrol by thinking about thekarmicconsequencesof the tendestructive actions,whichwill occurprimarily in future lives.Forexample,wewillcompulsivelyrepeatthepatternofbehavior.Moreover,wewillimpulsivelyblunderintorelationshipsinwhichpeopleacttowardusinthesameinsensitive,cruelmanneraswehavebeenacting toward others. Not wanting the unhappiness of frustrating, unfulfilling relationships,characterizedbyalackofkindnessorconsideration,motivatesustoavoiditscausesinourbehaviornow.

Tomotivateourselvestobehaveethically,weneednotthinkaboutfuturelivesifwedonotbelieveinthem.Considerationofthislifetimealonecanaccomplishthesameeffect.Wemayrecallincidentsinwhichothershaveactedinthesedestructivemannerstowardusandrememberhowhurtwefelt.Wemay then recalloccasionswhenwehaveacted similarlyand imaginehowothersmusthave felt inresponse.Noting that ourdestructivepatterns repeat and feelinghorrified at theprospect of futureunhealthyrelationships,wedeterminetofreeourselvesfromthesepainfulsyndromes.Todoso,wewould bewilling to give up our negativeways. Our determination strengthenswhen our primaryconcernistostophurtingothers.

Duringeachphaseofthisexerciseweconsiderthetendestructiveactionsonebyone.Thefirstphasehas two steps.We begin by trying to recall specific incidents in which others have acted in theseanguishingways towardus.Forexample,wemighthavebeen ill andsomeonewithuswalked tooquickly.Wetrytorememberthedistresswefeltwhenwecouldnotkeepup.Alternatively,wemighthavestoicallyenduredtheperson'slackofconsiderationandrepressedourfeelings.

Recallinganincidentinwhichweweresimilarlyinsensitive,perhapswhenwalkingwithanelderlyrelative,we lookat aphotographor simply thinkof theperson.Then,weconsiderhowheor shemusthavefelt.Acknowledgingthatournegativebehaviorwasamistake,weregrethowweacted.Wedeterminetoridourselvesofthisdestructivehabit,forthesakeofboththispersonandotherswemayencounter.Wemustalsoeliminate it forourowndevelopment.Focusingonourolder relative,wegiveourwordthatweshalltryourbestnottorepeatourinconsideratebehavior.Wedothesameevenifthepersoninourexamplehasalreadypassedaway.

Werepeattheprocedurewiththerestofthetendestructiveactions.Forstealing,wemayrecall,forexample, someone using our telephone for an expensive long-distance call without asking ourpermission. For inappropriate sexual behavior, we may remember someone making an unwantedsexual advance toward us. For lying,wemay think of someonewhodeceived us about his or herfeelingsorintentionsinourrelationship.

For speaking divisively, we may remember a person who told us terrible things about ourboyfriendorgirlfriendtomakeusbreaktherelationship.Forusingharshlanguage,wemayrecallsomeone who yelled at us cruelly or who insensitively said something that hurt us deeply. Forspeakingidlewords,wemayrecallsomeonewhobetrayedourconfidenceandrevealedourintimatesecrets to others. We may also think of someone who frequently interrupted our work withmeaninglesschatterorwhoneverletusfinishwhatweweretryingtosay.

Forthinkingcovetousthoughts,wemayremembersomeonewhobecamejealouswhenwespokeaboutourfinancialsuccessorabouthowwellourchildrenweredoing.Whenthepersonbecamelostin thought about how to accomplishwhatwe had achieved, he or she stopped listening to us. Forthinking with malice, we may recall someone who became angry at something we said and thenplottedrevenge.Lastly,fordistorted,antagonisticthinking,wemayremembersomeonetowhomwespoke about something positive or ethically neutral. It might have been something that we werepursuing to help others or to improveourselves, such as the studyofmedicine or basketball.Thepersonrespondedbythinkingwewerestupidforbeinginterestedinsuchthings.

Wemaychoosemorethanonepersonforeachdestructiveaction.Wemayalsorecallmorethanoneformofeachact.Thebroaderthescopeofdestructivebehaviorweconsider,themoreeffectivetheexercisebecomesforovercominginsensitivitytotheemotionalimpactofouractions.

Thesecondstepofthefirstphaseoftheexerciseistofocusonsomeoneclosetous.Wemaylookataphotographorjustthinkabouttheperson.Surveyingabroadspectrumofformsthateachofthetendestructiveactionsmaytake,wecheckifwehaveeveractedinthesewaystowardtheperson.Ifwehave,wethinkofthepainwecaused,admitourmistake,feelregret,anddeterminetoridourselvesofthe destructive habit. Ifwe have not acted like this toward him or her,we rejoice in that fact.Notwishingevertohurttheperson,wethengiveourassurancethatweshalltryourbestnevertoactineachoftheseways.

Thesecondphaseoftheexercisebeginswithsittinginacircleifwearepartofaworkshop.Eitherour group facilitator or we repeat key sentences regarding common examples of each of the tendestructiveactions.Forinstance,"Ishallnot treatyouinaroughphysicalmanner,""Ishallnotuseanythingofyourswithoutpermission,""Ishallnotpushmyselfsexuallyonyouoryourpartner,""1shallnotlietoyouaboutmyfeelingsorintentions,""Ishallnottrytopartyoufromyourfriendsbysayingbadthingsaboutthem,""Ishallnotverballyabuseyou,""Ishallnotbetrayyourconfidencebyrevealingyourprivatematterstoothers,""Ishallnotthinkjealouslyaboutwhatyouhaveachieved,""IshallnotthinkwithmaliceabouthowtoharmyouifyousayordosomethingIdonotlike,""Ifyouarestrivingtoimproveyourselfortohelpothers,Ishallnotthinkyouarestupid,evenifwhatyouhavechosenisnotmyowninterest."Aftereachsentence,welookatthepersonsaroundthecircleandsilentlypromisetotrynottoactineachofthesewaystowardeachofthem.Duringthesecondpartofthisphase,wesitfacingapartner.Wishingnevertohurttheperson,werepeattheprocedure.

We begin the third phase by looking in a mirror and checking whether we have acted towardourselvesinanyofthetendestructivemanners.Ifwehave,weacknowledgetheproblemsandpainthishasbroughtand regret the foolishmistakeswehavemade.We thenpromiseourselves thatweshallmakealleffortstostoprepeatingourselfdestructivebehavior.

We pledge, for example, "I shall stopmistreatingmyself physically by overworking, by eatingpoorly,orbynotgettingenoughsleep,""Ishallstopwastingmymoneyon trivial things,""Ishallstopengaginginsexualactsthatmayendangermyhealth,""1shallstopdeceivingmyselfaboutmyfeelingsormotivation,""Ishallstopspeakingsoobnoxiouslythatmyfriendsbecomedisgustedandleaveme," "I shall stopverballyabusingmyself," "I shall stop speaking indiscriminatelyaboutmyprivatematters, doubts, or worries," "I shall stop thinking about how to outdomyself because ofbeing a perfectionist," "I shall stop thinking in self-destructive, irrational ways that sabotage myrelationswithothersormypositioninlife,""IshallstopthinkingIamstupidfortryingtoimprovemyself or to help others." The leader of ourworkshopmay repeat these phrases or, if practicingalone,wemaysaythemsilentlytoourselves.Wemayalsocustomizethephrasestosuitourpersonalhistory.

Next,werepeatthepledgestoourselvesafterputtingasidethemirror.Lastly,welookattheseriesofpreviousphotosofusandconsiderwhetherwehavebeenthinkingnegativelyofourselvesaswewerethen.Ifwehave,weacknowledgetheproblemsandpainwehavecaused.Admittingthatourwayofthinkinghasbeenself-destructiveandfeelingregret,wedeterminetoresolveouremotionalissuesaboutthosetimes.Wecannotchangethepast,butwecanchangeourattitudetowarditandlearnfromourmistakes.Wepledgetotrjtostopthinkingnegativelyofourselvesduringthoseperiods,byusingthreekeysentences,IshallstopthinkingwithdissatisfactionabouthowIwasthen,wishingthatIhadacteddifferently,""Ishallstopthinkingwithself-hatredaboutmyself then,""IshallstopthinkingIwasstupidthenforwhatIdidtotrytoimprovemylotortohelpothers."

This exercise asks us to confront aspects of ourselves that many of us would rather forget.Consequently, itmaymakeus feeluncomfortableor ashamed, especiallywhile facingapartner. Ifthishappens,weneedtoreaffirmourpositivequalitiesthatwediscoveredinthepreviousexercise.Withpropereffort,wecanusethemtoovercomeournegativeways.

Achieving enlightenment requires simultaneously building up bountiful stores of positive potentialanddeepawareness.BotharenecessaryforattaininganyoftheBuddha-bodies.Thefrequentanalogyisthatthebountifulstoresarelikethetwowingsrequiredtofly.

Combiningwarmthandunderstandingisalsonecessaryforachievingbalancedsensitivity.Supposewehavemerelywarm loving feelings toward others, but lack understandingof their situation.Wemaybecarriedawaybyemotionandactunwisely.Often,weoverreactwhenweareoveremotional.Ontheotherhand,ifwemerelyunderstandthesituation,butlackanywarmth,wemayreacttoothersinsensitively.

Eachofushasabasislevelofbothwarmthandunderstanding.Whenwedevelopthemjointly,wecanbeofmorebalanced,sensitivehelptoothersandtoourselves.Letusexaminefivepointsthathelptocombinethetwofactors.

Othersarereal.Thepeopleweencounterarenotfictitiouscharactersinamovieoranonymousfacesinanewsreport.Wemaybewellinformedaboutthetroublesothersarefacing.Statistics,however,areoflittlehelpunlesswetaketheirplightseriously.Weneedtofeelconcernonahumanlevel.

Forexample,supposewewerelyinginahospitalbed,waitingforamajoroperation.Mostofuswouldbefrightenedandworriedthatwemightnotsurvive.Supposethenursecametoprepareusforsurgery.Thoughwedonotwish anyone's pity,wewould certainly appreciate himor her showingsomewarmth and understanding.Knowing all the technical details to prepare us physically is notsufficient.Wearereal,ourfearisoverwhelming,andwewantthenursetotakeusseriously.

If this is true about us, it is also true about others. Everyone deserves to be taken seriously.Moreover,takingothersseriouslyhelpsthemtotakethemselvesseriously.Thisstrengthenstheirself-confidence,thushelpingthemtoovercomelowself-esteem.

Our actions donot determine the outcomeof every event.Nor is the outcomepredetermined. If itwere, therewould be no point in responding to anyone's needs, in offering our help, or in doinganything at all. Others' successes or failure would already be fated. According to the Buddhistunderstanding,what happens arises dependently onmany factors, following the laws of cause andeffect.

Themainfactorsaffectingwhathappenstopeoplearetheirkarmicpotentials.Wecanmerelytrytooffer circumstances for theirpositivepotentials to ripenand try to avoidprovidingconditions fortheir negative ones to surface. However, if others lack sufficient causes for happiness from theirpersonalhistory,ourbesteffortscannot.succeed.Similarly,ifotherslackthecausesfortragedy,ourworstmistakescannotcausethemadownfall.Still,weareaccountableforouractionsandneedtoactresponsibly.Inprovidingorwithholdingcircumstances,wecontributetowhatoccurs.Nevertheless,wearenotthesolesourceevenofcircumstances.

Therefore, fear of responding to others' or our own needs is inappropriate. Even ifwemake amistake,wehaveatleasttried.Wedonotbecomedismayedorfeelguiltywhenourhelpfails.Nordowearrogantlytakeall thecreditwhenotherssucceedthroughourassistance.Wecanonlytrytobehelpful,withasmuchwarmthandunderstandingaspossible.

Forexample,supposewehaveababydaughter,orarevisitingsomeonewhohas,andsupposewearetryingtoteachthebabytowalk.Thetoddlerinevitablyfallsdown.Ifshestumblesandbeginstocry, arewe guilty? Is it our fault?Dowe stop trying to teach her towalk?Obviously, the baby'ssuccess in learning to walk depends primarily on her development of strength, balance, and self-confidence.Wemerelyprovidethecircumstancesforthesepotentialstomature.

Thus,wewouldnotbeafraidtorespondtothebaby'sfalteringstepsasweteachhertowalk.Wewouldnaturallydothiswithjoy,withoutshoulderingsoleresponsibilityforsuccessorfailure.Yet,wewouldalsonaturallyactresponsibly.Holdingthebaby'shandatfirst,wewouldremainnearbytocatchoratleasttocomfortthetoddlerwhenshestumblesandfalls.

Even if we have great concern about a situation, we need to take in complete information beforeresponding.Ifwedothiswithoutmakingjudgmentsormentalcomments,weavoidoverreactingorresponding to something we have merely invented. For instance, suppose we hear our little boyscreamingand,rushingoutside,weseehisarmbadlybruised.Insteadofreactingwithpanic,thinkinghe has broken his arm, we need to remain calm and first comfort the child.Without jumping toconclusions,weneedtoask,andtolookcarefullytoseewhatiswrong.

Othersituationsinliferequirethesameapproach.Forexample,whenlisteningonthetelephonetoa friend talkingabouthisorherproblems,weneed to listenwithaquietmindandopenheart.Weneedtoletourfriendfinishtellinghisorherstorybeforeofferingadvice.

Sittingbackandcoldlyanalyzinghowtosolveothers'problemsisnotsufficient.Ofcourse,weneedtofigureoutwhattodo.Nevertheless,onceweknow,weneedtoactstraightforwardly,sensitivetotheurgencyothers feel.Supposewe see someone strugglingwithbundles andabout todrop them.Commentingonhowmuchheorsheboughtoraskingwhichstorethepersonsho