THE CONFLICT PARADOX: CHANGING THE WAY WE THINK

ABOUT CONFLICTPresented by Bernie Mayer

The Werner InstituteTo Resoution Insitute

‘kon gresBrisbane, September 11, 2015

PART ONE

“How wonderful that we have met with a paradox. Now we have some hope of making progress.”

-Niels Bohr

“ The test of a first rate intelligence is the ability to hold two opposing ideas in one's mind and still retain the ability to function.”

- F. Scott Fitzgerald

Pauline and HZD• Pauline has worked for HZD industries for

three years.• She had filed several grievances against

Luis (her supervisor). She “lost” both.• After two unsatisfactory performance

appraisals which Pauline dismissed as examples of Luis’s determination to “get her”, she was fired.

• Again she grieved requesting reinstatement, a pay raise, and an apology from the company.

Seven Paradoxes Cooperation and Competition Optimism and Realism Avoidance and Engagement Principle and Compromise Emotions and Logic Advocacy and Impartiality Autonomy and Community

COOPERATION AND COMPETITION

“TO INCREASE COOPERATION ONLY TWO CHUTES WILL OPEN”

Four Principles from The Evolution of Cooperation

Niceness (start out cooperatively) Provocability (be prepared to compete) Forgiveness

Be willing to resume cooperation in response to a cooperative move

Don’t try to win Simplicity (Your strategy should be

transparent)

Cooperating or Competing?

OPTIMISM AND REALISM

Obama on Optimism (2008)

“If America is willing to come to the table, the world will be more willing to rally behind American leadership to deal with challenges like terrorism, and Iran an North Korea’s Nuclear Program”

McCain on Realism (2008) “I don’t fear to negotiate. Instead, I have

the knowledge and experience to understand the dangerous consequences of a naive approach to presidential summits based entirely on emotion.”

Churchill puts it all together (1943)

“Now this is not the end. It not even the beginning of the end. But it is, perhaps, the end of the beginning.”

(After the British victory at El Alamein)

Principle and Compromise

PRINCIPLE WITHOUT COMPROMISE IS EMPTY COMPROMISE WITHOUT

PRINCIPLE IS BLIND

Stephen B. Smith (in review of book about Abraham Lincoln)

“One ought to hold on to one’s heart; for if one lets it go, one soon loses control of the head too.”

Friedrich Nietzsche

Emotions and Logic

“One ought to hold on to one’s heart; for if one lets it go, one soon loses control of the head too.”

Friedrich Nietzsche

Advocacy and Neutrality

Or a “puff”?

Impartiality Model Standard(ABA, AAA, ACR—2005)

A mediator shall decline a mediation if the mediator cannot conduct it in an impartial manner. Impartiality means freedom from favoritism, bias or prejudice.

A mediator shall conduct a mediation in an impartial manner and avoid conduct that gives the appearance of partiality.

Community and Autonomy

Relevant Books by Bernie Mayer

Staying With Conflict: Jossey-Bass/Wiley, 2009

Beyond Neutrality. Jossey-Bass/Wiley, 2004

The Dynamics of Conflict. (2nd ed.) Jossey-Bass/Wiley 2012

The Conflict Paradox. Jossey-Bass/Wiley and the American Bar Association (2015)

Part TwoWorking with paradox in practice

A Neighbor Conflict

A Case Example Rachel and Bruce were divorcing after an 11

year marriage They have an 8 year old girl and a 4 year old

boy Rachel has been the primary caretaker—

Bruce’s work has involved a great deal of traveling.

Bruce wants equal parenting time “as a matter of principle”

He says he would rather lose in court than compromise his principles

Challenges Mediators Face “Do you believe you can resolve any dispute”

(in a high-stakes environmental dialogue) “He will never agree to anything: can you

really help?” (in a divorce mediation) “I am afraid of getting my hopes up and then

getting hurt again.” (child protection mediation)

“I always want to give people a second chance, but this guy is nothing but trouble”. ( An employer in a mediation about a termination)

Case Discussion Share a poignant moment case that is

memorable to you in terms of the challenges you faced (whatever your role)

What was the nature of the challenge How did you understand the choices you

faced How else might you have looked at them