Belen Jesuit Preparatory School Senior Skit 2012-2013

7/31/2019 Belen Jesuit Preparatory School Senior Skit 2012-2013

1/30

BELEN JESUIT SENIOR SKIT2012-2013

FINAL PERFORMANCE OCTOBER 24,2012


2/30

I. DQ prayer/Chicken AnthemII. Gus Classroom SceneIII. Video (Cartaya, DQ, and Willie)IV. Cartaya and DQ meeting

V. Father Suarez Transition

VI. All StarsVII. DQ and ArtyBEST FRIENDS TransitionVIII. Coaches Scene

IX. Father Suarezs Top 5 favorite things Transition(video)

X. Theology Meeting

XI. Apa and Dulz donut Transition (video)XII. Science

XIII. Interrogation Scene TransitionXIV. Social Studies Scene

XV. Drive-Thru Transition (video)

XVI. GerryXVII. Bravo Head & Shoulders Transition (spotlight out of

curtains)

XVIII. Math

XIX. Janitors Scene TransitionXX. ClimaxXXI. Gangam Style!


3/30

(DQ steps out in front of the curtains)

DQ: Good morning gentlemen, and welcome to the 2012 seniorskit. (Points at student) Are you fired up? I love this

guy, phenomenal guy. These guys get my toes tingling. Myeyebrows are vibrating. (Lifts up sleeves and points atforearms) Goosebumps! You can't fake these!

Now, we begin, as always, with a relevant prayer. A prayerthat many of you can andwill connect with.

I wanna tell you all a little story.

There was once an Indian by the name of Maximus Lombardi.His son came to him one day and said "Father, what is themeaning of life?". He told his young son, "A lion and agazelle were playing blackjack. He then got wounded in theVietnam war, and ended up scoring a touchdown in the 1975Super Bowl."

St. Ignatius once said Go out and set the world on fire.Doesnt that get you fired up?! Im pumped! YEAH!

Amen.

We will now hear the pledge of allegiance from one of thephenomenally talented seniors from the class of 2013. This

kid's got Chispa, I tell you. Chispa! YEAH!

(Begins to walk off stage but turns back and points at

someone in the audience)

DQ: Hey! Button that tie up! Look sharp!

(DQ walks off stage, CHICKEN on stage.)

(CHICKEN gawks National Anthem. About thirty seconds into

it BR. GERRY runs on stage and chases him off. The curtain

opens on Dr. Gus' class. Some students sleeping, othersplaying on IPads. Paddy the giant IPad also in the class

somewhere)

Gus Classroom scene


4/30

Dr. Gus: Ok class, it is widely believed that the Maya

predicted that the end of the world would come on December

21st 2012. But this got me thinkin. So I turned to my

favorite primary source, Georgio from Ancient Aliens, and I

have figured out that the end of the world may come earlier

than people thought. So does anyone want to take a shot at

when the real date is?

Student 1: December 20th

Dr. Gus: eeeeeee no

Student 2: November 17

Dr. Gus: eeeeeeeeee too late

Student 3: I like turtles

Dr. Gus: no no shut up

Student 4: October 30th

Dr. Gus: eeeeeeeeeeeeee close we are getting there

Student 5: October 24.23rd!

Dr. Gus: Yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaa .October 23th, I buy

that...October 23rd, 2012

Curtains close video comes down

Video

(Curtains close. Screen comes down, and we have Fr Cartayain front of the green screen)

FR CARTAYA: em hello everyones, and welcome to eh, Cartayapoint O.

You know, I eh, hurt my eye over the summer, and I had toput a cotton pad on it. I said DQ, look at, my new IPad,IPad, hehe.

You know, eh, one of my estudents told me that he could notget into the universities of Miami, and I tell him eh, yesyou Cane, yes you Cane, hehe.


5/30

I eheard that Reggie Bush left his pads at the footballefield yesterday. Now he's eh running back, hehe runningback.

I hope eh Mateo Buraglia is watching. I ethink he will get

a kick out of this, a kick, hehe.

(Screen fades out and Fr Cartaya wakes up in the

observatory to an alarm)

Oh my! I am alarmed, hehe, alarmed.

(Looks into the telescope and sees a huge fiery meteor. Cut

back to Cartaya, "Impact Clock" appears on screen.)

It looks like lunch today is going to be meaty-er, he,meaty-er.

(Video cuts to Fr. Willie standing in front of camera as ifhe is holding it himself.)

FR. WILLIE: Hey guys! Fr. Willie live from the DominicanRepublic. I just received word that a meteor was headingyour way. That being said, I recall from my days as astudent of Latin American history the prophecy of the MayanApocalypse. Now the Mayans believed the world would end atthe end of their calendar, there's no doubt about it.

Having said that, though, one Mayan inscription tells usthat one man, ONE MAN, will be able to stop the meteor fromhitting the earth. A descendent of the Maya, this man willbe the only person, ONLY PERSON, on the planet who willhave the power to speak directly to the gods and stop theirmeteor from coming. Having said that, that being said, keepyour eyes open with open eyes for that prophet! Remembereverything you do is for the greater glory of God! Our Ladyof Belen......cmon you could be louder than that. Our Ladyof Belen....thats more like it. Bye guys! (He says as hewaves at the camera)

(Video cuts to a shadowy figure in, from behind. In araspy, bat-voice. "Deshi-Basara" playing in the background)

DQ: This school goes on. Oblivious of the dangers that lurkin every shadow. Buttons are unbuttoned. ID's are inpockets. And yet they go on as if everything is just fine.


6/30

But, there's something else in the shadows. A force forgood. One that everyone knows

(Cut to WBLN interview, Roca talking to a young student)

ROCA: So, what do you think about the Batman?

STUDENT: (in squeaky voice) who?

(Back to dark DQ)

DQ: one that everyone fears

(Back to WBLN)

ROCA: are you afraid of the Belen Batman?

STUDENT: I have no idea what you're talking about.

(Back to DQ)

DQ: I'm the hero this school needs. When a man gives hislife for a noble cause, he becomes more than a man. Hebecomes a symbol. For justice. For truth. For not skippingat lunch. I am-

(Phone rings, he picks it up)

DQ: (in batman voice) Hello? (Normal voice, steps into thelight and we see it's DQ) umm, I mean, hello? Oh yes FrCartaya. What can I do for you? (Pause) A what? How muchtime do we have? Alright. (Steps back into darkness and inhis Batman voice) I'm on my way.

Cartaya and DQ meeting

DQ: father how may I help you.

Fr. Cartaya: Hello Tommy, I was in the observatory and I

saw a meteor coming this way and I say to myself that Imust warn everyone but unfortunately I am all worn out,

worn out. So I give the news to you, just like wbln it is

your news, your news.

DQ: Fantastic father, just phenomenal, I will get on this

right away.


7/30

CARTAYA LEAVES STAGE

DQ: Man, thank goodness I have the safehouse in my batcave.

Theres room for me and nine othersbut how will I choose

the others. [paces back and forth] Thats it! Ill use that

new iPad I ordered from Apple in California. Ill programsome spyware into it, and Ill have him follow the teachers

around. Only Ill disguise him as a student.a foreign

exchange student: Paddy! YEAH!

Fr. Suarez Late - Transition

With the curtains closed we have Father Suarez walk on

stage

SUAREZ: Has the skit started yet? I am trying to make it to

every event!

Curtains open

Faculty Meeting Scene

Starts with a line of teachers making their way into the

room. Valdez checking IDs. The last one in the line is

Barq

VALDES: Stop. Name.

BARQ: Valdez, its me Barq

VALDES: Aqui no hay un Barq. Get out of here.

BARQ: You dont see barq well check under Carlos Barquin

VALDES: BACK UP! (checks list one more time) There is no

Barq and there is no Carlos Barquin, now GET OUT OF

HERE!......JIMMY..JIMMY

(Jimmy comes sound of earthquake with every step.)

Jimmy Takes barq and walks him out. By now all the teachers

have sat down but they are wondering why this meeting has

been called.

RAMIREZ: Mr. Font, what are you doing?


8/30

FONT: Why, Mrs. RamirezIm Examining the texture, and the

composition, and the.the taste [begins licking paint brush]

ALEXANDER: Now that seems exuberant!

COUTO: Mr. Maza why are we here?

MAZA: Dont freak out. DONT freak out. Im about to tell

you something and I dont want you to freak out. Okay, DQ

gave me a note yesterday about this meeting. In it, was the

reason why we are here today. But, this morning I had to

take my son to school, my mini van aka the swag wagon broke

down and I was so stressed because the Saints lost and

basically I lost the note. But it gets worse. In all of

that, I also got stuck at my sons football practice and

edited 675 college essays and.I FORGOT MY PANTS (walks out

without pants)

LUND: Dont worry Maza, nobodys going to blow up on you.

Speaking of blowing up, so I used to teach at another

school, a public one, and one day this kid says Hey guys

Ive got a bomb. So naturally, all the kids start freaking

out. Anyways, the kids found out it was a hoaxthey all

went home that day and said Hey Mom.I had a blast at

school today....BAD JOKE

RAMIREZ: WOW Mr. Lund just WOOOOOOW.

LUND: Sorry, Ms. Ramirez I think that jokes the bomb.

VAZQUEZ: laughs

LUND: Wow I guess I really BLEW that one

ALEXANDER: Mr. Font, can I have some of that? ( smells and

licks the paint)gigglesWell I think Mr. Lunds joke was

quite Umorous.

DULZ: Mr. Alexander are you an idiot (says this while

doing his hand motions) We all know that clearly this

meeting is definitely being held to inform everyone that I

am finally getting my own classroom.

VAZQUEZ: laughs


9/30

COLLINS: Mr. Dulzaides, the thought of you getting your own

classroom is quite unlikely.

RAMIREZ: ALMOST AS LIKEY AS YOUR BOWLING TEAM WINNING A

MATCH THIS YEAR.

COLLINS: Ms. Ramirez you haven't been democratically

elected to the position of President of washing new

coaches hopes down the gutter. Thats correct bowling

lingo, right, Mr. Dulzaides? (Dulzaides nods) The reason DQ

called this meeting is clearly to announce that Im

receiving the Belen Jesuit Medal of Honor, because of the

shout-out I gave Belen as I skydived with members of the US

Army. At 14,000 feet it was really a high five! After

hitting the ground safe and sound I couldnt help but think

to myself you know whatyou cant spell Patriot withoutPAT!

JULIO enters scene

VAZQUEZ: Hola, hola

JULIO: Oye papa, oye, que bola, como tu esta, que pasa, y

los jovenes, si, que bien, donde esta tu ID?

RAMIREZ: Helllllooooooo Julio! Pro-pro-pronounce your

words. Is that how they talk in Hialeah? Im sorry Julio

can you please try saying that in a language I speakI

dont speak Cubanese

ALEXANDER: nyahhhhh, what in the name of the Curse of the

Billy Goat did Julio just try conveying to us? Nyahhh that

sounded like a combination of Kenny G and the Canterbury

Tales.

VAZQUEZ: Fue muy Awesome. Vaya Julio!

Julio exits.

DQ walks into the room. He is accompanied by LOURDES from

the Wolverine Den.

DQ: Good morning ladies and gentleman. Before we begin, I

brought Lourdes from the Wolverine Den to show off these

snazzy pink, breast cancer awareness wolverine socks.


10/30

LOURDES: Hola chicos!

DQ: Arent they phenomenal? Mr. Artiz are you fired up?

ARTIZ: Man if there was a fire in me itd be sky high man

LOURDES: Pero Mr. Artiz only ten dollars! They could beyours!

LUND: Ten dollars for a pair of socks? What are theysocks?

LOURDES: Si Mr. Lund. They are still on sale!

DQ: Thank you Lourdes, you can go now.

LOURDES: Hasta luego!

DQ: I am sure you are all wondering why you are here. Butfirst I would like to ask all of you take a look around the

room. Everyone in this room is part of an elite class. You

are the all-stars of Belen Jesuit Preparatory School. I

know you may be thinking how it is possible that Mr. Artiz

is already a Belen all-star, but I feel that the energy he

brings to the table is unmatched. Everytime he walks

through the door he makes my toes tingle.

ARTIZ: You know man thanksEverytime you walk through the

door you make my toes tingle too man

DQ: Mr. Artiz, You are the best restricted free agent

acquisition in the history of Belen Jesuit Preparatory

School.

ARTIZ: Tommy, man, me and youwe got a lot in common man.

I got this bike and I can imagine us takin the back tire

off, stretchhhhin the bike, putting another chair on,

putting the wheel back on the bike, and then ridin together

man, you and me. one bike, two bros, just takin over the

world man..EYE contact MAN

DQ: Thank you Mr. Artiz. Now lets get down to business. I

have big news. I would like to inform all of you that we

have a new foreign exchange student that is to be roaming

the halls of Belen. So without further ado, I introduce

you.


11/30

(Vikram walks in and says)---Hallo Im here tank you

DQ- Im sorry Vikram youre a great kid phenominal, but its

not you.

ARTIZ: Hey look man, its the Kite Runner, man

Dq: so without further ado I would like to introduce.PADDY

Paddy the Ipad walks into the room and all the teachers

stare.

Scene ends with DQs huddle up and break..What school do

you go to?BELEN (Collins says AMERICA!)

Curtains close

ARTY AND DQ BEST FRIENDS

Coaches Scene

Apa: (holding a donut) to the 30 the 20 the 10 (eats the

donut) TOUCHDOWN!

Barq walks in

Barq: Everybody stop!

Stuart: What is it Barq

Barq: Well I just got back from DQs meeting and we werent

invited to DQs meeting.

Fraga: So if you werent invited then how did you go?

Barq: I didnt go Fraga I was not invited.

Apa: you just said you got back from the meeting. (eats

donut)

Fraga: so egh what was the meeting about?

Barq: I was not at the meeting I was not invited!

Stuart: He is going crazy again. This meeting does not

exist.


12/30

Barq: No, the beautiful Everglades muck that I dug myself

on our football field doesnt exist, and thats a shame.

This meeting, however, did happen. But I dont know what,

what, what, I forgot what I was going to say.

Apa: Hey Barq has a point in bringing this meeting up.

Fraga: Egh, how so?

Apa: Well if there was a meeting, how come we were not

invited. Its like we are no longer relevant. (eats donut)

Stuart: If thats the case, how do we become relevant again?

Fraga: well egh we could do some plyometrics.

All coaches: yea yea yea stretch stretch strech stretch

stretch. (say this while stretching)

Victor: stop ( no one listens) STOP (no one listens) STOOOOP

Barq: Stop Victor? 2012?!?! what victor? We are trying to

stretch here.

Fraga: Barq are you sure you have no idea what that meeting

was about?

Barq: I never said that I have no idea what it was about I

just said I was not invited. The meeting was about a newstudent in the school.

Apa: what was his name?

Barq: I think it was Paddy.

Stuart: Can he play Oline?

Fraga: Coach, right now we need to worry about finding this

Paddy.

Fraga hops on Apas back and says Yip Yip, Apa, Yip Yip!

and Apa runs off. ALL COACHES MINUS STUART AND BARQ LEAVE.

Barq: Stuart, can you come here for a second?

Stuart: Yeah, Barq.


13/30

Barq: I want to show you something...when I was a studentin high school in 1832 I was the starting quarterback forthe varsity football team and we ran a spread offense. Nowwhat the quarterback does is throw the football (does the

throwing motion)

Coach Stuart: (does throwing motion and then does handoffmotion)Yeah, and you guys made the State Championship gamein 1832?

Barq: Just listen. To throw the football you must bringyour arm back and then flick the ball forward. Now, thequarterback needs to hike the ball ( shows how to hike anddoes a barq "football"), after the quarterback hikes it thewide receivers are in charge of getting open (draws a bunchof squiggly lines on the white board).

Coach Stuart: Yeah, Barq. I get it. A pass. What's yourpoint?

Barq: Once they are open, the quarterback will throw (doesthe throwing motion) and the wide receiver will catch (runsto the spot and pretends to catch) and scores a touchdown(goes crazy!)

Stuart: Barq, if it aint broken. Lets not fix it.

Barq: No, no. Now you try.

Coach Stuart: Down, set, Hut (goes to through the ball thenpauses and hands it off) Looks like a long handoff to me.And this is a lot safer, Barq. (He does the handoff, patsBarq on the back and walks off stage)

Barq: (pauses then shots)NOOO (chasing after Stuart

Curtains close

Father Suarez Transition Video

Theology Department Scene

Br. Gerry: Deacon, Why are we here at 6:30 in the morning?


14/30

Deacon: Hey! Im still running on Notre Dame time

Arty: I might be wrong, but its the same time in NotreDame as it is here man

Deacon: Alright, whatever, Im glad that you all were ableto come, Br. Wood, Ms. Fernandez, Fr. Suarez, Mr. Artiz. Icalled you all here today to show you all videos of somewaterfalls and pretty flowers with some Ray Bolton music

Arty: Nah Nah man, lets watch good will hunting (hunning)

Angie: Aye, I looove good will hunting

*Batman swoops in behind Angie*

Batman: Then youre gonna love me

*Hits Angie, she falls down*

Angie: Oh, se me rompio una arteAngie: Aye, people in this school have become so violent,They are like Piranas *DOES HAND BITE MOTIONS*, swimming enuna stream in a mountain, pero el stream, es made of Jello

*Fr. Suarez wakes up and says Jello then falls back

asleep*

y encima de todo, es green Jello, Apple flavor, thatsdisgusting. So they are their looking for Jesus Christ*(soft voice)Jiggle Jiggle, Jiggle Jiggle.* And then theysee in the distance bits and pieces of Oreo

*Fr. Suarez wakes up again and says Oreo?! then fallsback asleep*

como they serve en la cafeteria, eso es disgusting tambien,

pero the oreos represent sins, un bit por aca, un piece poralla, un cheat y un lie, todo eso son sins, sinseverywhere. And then you see a hook, in the shape of thedevil and its saying UUHH, IM THE DEVIL. Pero you aregetting too close to the hook, but just as You are about tobite onto the hook, Yesus(Jesus) in the form of an octopus,comes with his eight arms and rescues you, giving you untremendo hug con his arms.


15/30

Gerry: ANGIE! That made no sense!

Angie: Aye Gerry, why cant you be nice like mr. Artiz

Arty: Aww thanks Ms. Fernandez but, I like green Jello

Deacon: Brother Wood is the only one that is making anysense; I think he deserves a treat*Fr. Suarez wakes up and falls down from his chair sayingTREAT?!

Lights off

Apa and Dulz Donut Transition Video

Science Department Classroom Scene

PA: Alrights babies, today we gun take popz quiz.

Student 1: Pop Quiz?! Thats not fair!

PA: Pero babies, all you do is sit in class playingst on

those ipadst, not listening to Dr. PAst, and then I give

you a pop quiz and you say pero PA why you no tell us

about el quissito? and I say pero babist, I cant tell

you about no Post quiz. If I tell you, then its not post

its supposed to be post.

Scull: Dont worry, the quiz is papitas. Speaking of

papitaslet me tell you about when I used to play baseball

in high school. Theyd say Oye Iggy manda lo pa left

field..so Id come up to bat and SU-PATSSSSSSSSS. Then

theyd say Oye Iggy pa right fieldso Id SU-PATSSSSSSS!

Entonces theyd say Oye Iggy pa center fi-SU-

PATSSSSSSSSSSSS! Papitas.papitas!

PA:. But babist before we take el quissito, Mr. Padilla isgoing to teach you some popz quiz safety.

Padilla: Ok gentleman, the first thing I wants to say is I

DONTS HAS TO DO THIS. I donts has to do this. Second: there

is absolutely no horses playing in the lab. ABSOLUTELY NO

HORSES PLAYING IN THE LAB!


16/30

Horse stands up with horse head and walks out.

Padilla: If you horses e play in da lab I make you write a

thousand bananas a thousand times

Scull: Or a thousand papitas

Padilla: And if you dont write a thousand bananas a

thousand time I will make you poopy in your panties!

Padilla walks out

PA: Ok babies lets Review for da post Quizst

Bravo: Bros good luck on your quiz and remember the head is

connected to the shoulders, the head is connected to the

shoulders.the head is connected to the shoulders.head and

shoulers[pulls out bottle of Head and Shoulders]...any

questions?

Student: Yea, I have a question. Where is Mrs. Lara?

Bravo: who?

Student: Mrs. Lara, I never see her in the skit.

Bravo: BRO! Who are you talking about? Any more questions?

Student#1: where is the fetus

PA: (puts foot on desk, points and says FETUS BABIES)

PA hands out quizzes, goes to Keonte Keonte CATCH!

The students begin to take their quiz, but there is one

student who is sleeping.

(Mr. Myers walks across the stage, working on his ipad,

followed by two jacked 6th graders)

First 6th grader: Mr. Myers! Mr Myers!

Second 6th grader: Look what we did on Mindcraft!!

Mr. Myers: Did you gentlemen watch Mythbusters yesterday?

Two sixth graders swoon and say Ooooohhh!


17/30

Sucena: Well, what do we have here? Excuse me Mr. (INSERT

NAME) are you finished with your quiz? You are. Well would

you like me to grade it for you? You would? Well lets see

(begins looking at quiz) well it looks like you left a lot

of questions un answered I am afraid I am going to have to

give you a ZEEEEROOO. Whats that? You want extra credit?

PA: Whats extra macredisttt babyst?

Suce: You know, Extra Macredist. The question? How many

Points will Mater score on BELEN. Thats right ZEROOOOOOOOO

Student #2: its too loud can you please be quiet..

Scull: OK, no this guy wants me to be quiet.what is this?

[holds up a UM sweater] Is this a UM sweater?

Student 2: Yeah

Scull: A UM sweater? Really? You think its loud? Hows

this for loud? [Does Gator chomp] Its all about the gators

man! Tim Tebow, you heard of him? [gets down on floor and

starts tebowing]

PA: Ok babies, time is up. If you can please turn in your

papers to Mr. Jimenez. Faculty, Coach Barquinst just

iMessaged me that we have an emergency meeting. We gotta go!

Scull: I told you guys! Papitas! Like my high school

baseball career!

PA: Pero, Scull what was your high school batting average?

Sucena: ZEEEEEROOOOOO

All teachers except Mr. Jimenez walk off stage

Mr. Jimenez: Umkay guys, I will be having your quizzes now.

Student roll up their quizzes and throw them at Mr. Jimenez

Mr. Jimenez: Umkay, that is not what I had in mind Umkay.

(one more paper ball hits him) Umkay

Curtains Close

Interrogation Scene


18/30

Social Studies Scene

Collins: Welcome to the first Social Studies Department

Meeting for the 2012-2013 school year. As always, we begin

with..Trivia with Collins!

Cleveland: Trivia with Collins?! What the hell happened

since I left? Has everyone lost their minds?

Gus: ehhh maybe a little

Collins: Now just play a long, Mr. Cleveland! Something

tells me todays question might tickle your fancy. Now the

question is directed towards Mr. Nicosia; Mr. Nicosia, how

many Presidents have their been in the history of these

GRRREEAAAAT United States of America? Is it A) 44 or B) 43?

Nicosia: Um, well, um, can you give me a little spaceum,

44?

Collins: Are you sure?

Nicosia: I think so?

Collins: And the results are in..Well Mr. Nicosia, I am so

so so so so so so soooooooooooooooo glad your answer was

44! Because you are absolutely, positively, without adoubt, 100 percentwrong. Youre wrong. Mr. NicosiaYou had

a 50/50 chance and ya blew it! Now, Mr. Martinez can you

explain why Mr. Nicosia is so wrong?

Martinez: Well, fellas, ya seealthough their have been 44

Presidential terms *breathes on glasses*, there have been

only 43 Presidents.

Collins: And why is that Mr. Martinez?

Martinez: Fellas, cmon! Its basic knowledge here. GroverCleveland served as both the nations 22nd and 24th

President. Therefore, Barack Obama is only the 43rd man to

serve as pre-pre-pre-pre-president.

Collins: Well thank you for that wonderful response Mr.

Martinez. And with that, lets begin todays meeting. Well

first, Mr. DQ wanted me to tell you all to be expecting a


19/30

new foreign exchange student Paddy, to sit in on your

classes. But more importantly today it is my pleasure to

reintroduce a descendent of Grover Cleveland himself to our

Social Studies faculty. Mr. Cleveland left us a year ago

but is back this year to begin a whole new era at Belen

Jesuit.

NICOSIA: Looks like the number of student seizures is going

to go back to 2011 rates now that his power points will be

back on our smart boards.

Cleveland: Hey man. I ask them if they want to see the

power point or not. They always say yes, yes, feed me Mr.

Cleveland and then they are all like O my God whats

with all these flashing lights. Now Mr. Dulzaides can you

at least pretend you want to be here?!?!

Dulz: Pfft (takes off his beats and rolls his eyes)

Cleveland: Anyways, like I was saying before I was so

RUUUUUDELY interrupte-

*KNOCKS ON DOOR*

Cleveland: Holy John Maynard Keynes *high pitch* am I ever

gonna be able to teach? Whos there?!

Paddy walks in and sits down

Cleveland: I swear, man-

Collins: Mr. Clevelandwe dont Swear here.

NICOSIA: Just like we dont consider bowling a sport. Now

continue.

Cleveland: *frustrated* Ipromise, man, next shmuck that

walks in here Im gonna be pissed. So I go back to

Tennessee and my first day there, my first frickin day, my

son comes home and hes all like dad, I got laid off from

work bro and Im just like go get a frickin job man!

Gus: Ya, I mean, he should get a job.a job.I buy that.


20/30

Nicosia: Mr. Cleveland you should tell your son to hit the

border and head up to the Great North. Youve got maple

leaves, maple syrup, Canadian bacon, and they even got

regular bacon over there too. I remember when me and my

crew buddies from Canisius decided to grab life by the

horns and spend the weekend in Toronto. There was a mish-

mosh of bocce ball and hockey big enough to get our whole

gang hootin and hollerin

Dulz: Bacci ball is a sissy sport. Bowling is for men.

Nicosia: Oh yeah, because everyoneee loves the Bowlverines.

Tell me this big man. Does the team still use bumpers?

Dulz: I dont need to take this. I WENT TO GEORGETOWN.

Cleveland: Anyways, so after my son loses his job, mydaughter comes home and is all like daddy, I want to

sing! So now Im spending 400 dollars a month on a damn

singing coach. I mean seriously? Thats as useful as hiring

a bowling coach!

Martinez: So youre saying it aint useful at all!

ALL: laughter

Dulzaides stands up and leaves

Cleveland: But seriously, I mean shes good, great voice,

but shes not going to be Americas Idol or anything like

that. Dr. Gus youve heard her. Shes good right,

riiiiiiiggghhhtttt?!

Gus: ehhhhhhhh I buy that!

Barq barges into meeting

Barq: News is bad, bad news, protein YEAH!

Collins: What is it Coach Barquin?

Barq: Emergency faculty meeting NOW! DQs meeting.ipad

meeting meteor..meteor BOOM!....touchdown! YEAH!

Nicosia: What in the name of Yankee Doodle Dandy is he

saying?


21/30

Cleveland: Has everyone lost their mind?

Gus: ehhhhhI buy that

Martinez: FellasIve worked alongside Coach Barquin for

years now. I speak his language. What hes tryin to say

here is that Mr. De Quesadas gone Benedict Arnold on the

faculty. This Paddy that Pat told us about is more of a

Julius Rothenberg than a foreign exchange student. Hes a

spy! A meteor is on its way, fellas. It could be D-Day real

soon and Barq was just acting as the facultys Paul Revere

to spread the message.

Collins: We better get to this meeting!

Social Studies Drive Thru Transition

Brother Gerry Classroom

Scene starts with nugget wrestling and Br.Gerry initiating

the fight.

Valdez: (storms in) OYE, What are you doing? Get out. LOCO,

Stop it, GET OUT>

Everybody sits downas Gerry walks away he says

Br.Gerry: Who told yall you could wrestle?

Br.Gerry: (Logging onto Computer) access denied.Damn,

Eric from the Library keeps logging me out.

Student #1: Gerry face it, you forgot youre password.

Br.Gerry: I like youre attitude kid. Keep it up. YOU, what

is my Password?

Student #2: GERRY1234

Br.Gerry: Thats itttt!!!!!!

Br.Gerry:Vikram go up and present.

Vikram: But Gerry you never said I had to present.

Br.Gerry: I dont caree Vikram, GO PRESENT.


22/30

Vikram: Discus was invented

Brother Gerry: Vikram, DO THE VOICE

Vikram but Gerry..

Br.Gerry: Vikram

Vikram: (in Hindu voice) My favorite film is Slumdog

Millionaire. This Bollywood hit was shot in the Mumbai

district -

Br.Gerry: stopi it (to student #2, dont MESS with me)

Stedent #2: stand up writes on the board miss and mess

Gerry pronounces both as MESSS

Student#1: Gerry can we get back to the presentation? (withattitude)

Br,Gerry: I like you kid100++++++++Vikram continue..

Vikram (normal voice).

Br.Gerry: VIKRAM, DA VOICEEEEE

Vikram:continues on.Gerry stops him

Gerry attacks Student #3while beating him up

Student #3 : im not the guy Gerry. You have the wrong guy.

Br.Gerry: WELL be the right Guy.

CHICKENS RUNS ACROSS STAGE.Gerry chases chicken in monkey

run.

Artiz enters

Artiz: Hey man, where you from?

Vikram: India

Artiz: No way manmy carpets from Australia.

Curtains close

Bravo Head and Shoulders Transition


23/30

Math Scene

Couto and Del Dago stroll onto the stage rolling their bags

Couto: Hey Del Dago, what is dat dat you have in your hand?

Del Dago: Oh its da TI-84 Plus dat Ive had since da yearI started here at Belen

Couto: HA! In Big boy math we use the TI-Eighty-Niiiiiiiine

or da TI_Nspire, because dats what da real men use

Del Dago: Couto why do you always have to put me down man.

Remember when we used to stay after school, teaching kids

how to graph parabola on WWW.geogebra.com? We should be

like two peas in a pod, like Jimmy and Valdes, they even

have a cool handshake. We should be like two points on aline, two sides of a square, two derivatives in a function.

Couto: Yabut those days are over Double-D. Ever sence O

gave me his AP Calc class, I have moved onto bigger and

better things

Del Dago: You dont even teach BC.

Couto: BC? BC?!?!?! Ha! What does that stand for anyways?

Betty Crocker?

Del Dago: daaaat was a bad joke Couto. If youre so sharp

den what does AB stand for?

Couto: A lot better!

[From offstage] Ramon: HEY GUYS!

Couto: Del Dago?! Did you tell da statistics teacher about

the meeting? You know how I feel about Statistics! Now Mrs.

Ramon will uncover us!

Ramon walks in

Ramon: Why do you guys meet all the way in the Roca?

Couto: To isolate ourselves from

Del Dago: Be nice Couto!


24/30

Ramon: Why cant I ever be part of your math meetings? I

mean I have more input than him [points to Father Suarez in

the corner who is sleeping]

Couto: I mean he practically invented math

Del Dago: And he can prove Fermats Last Theorem

Ramon: Ya but I can do tha-

Del Dago: Without a calculator.

Ramon: Oh.

Couto: Mrs. Ramon, well allow you to join our meetings as

long as you dont tell anyone that we are occupying da Roca.

Del Dago: And if you can renew our subscription toWWW.geogebra.com

Ramon: Fine, fine, fine I guess thats only fair

[from offstage] Williams: Whos in my theater?

Del Dago: Theyve found us! Mrs. Ramon youve revealed our

hiding place! You gon make me quit!

Williams, accompanied by Valdes and Jimmy, enter stage.

Jimmy and Valdes do cool handshake.

Del Dago: See Couto?! I told you! They do have a cool hand

shake. We should have a hand shake. Maybe we can

Couto: Del Dago, please stop. Youre going off on a

tangent. Get it.tangent!

Del Dago: Couto, pleasethis has to be a sign. Get it, sin!

Couto: Del Dago.we were meant to be!

Couto and Del Dago embrace

Williams: So, uh, I see that the Math department is

intruding in my theateryou know what this calls for right?

Lights dim, music starts. Williams steps to center. Del

Dago and Couto stand to his right. Jimmy and Valdes to his
http://www.geogebra.com/http://www.geogebra.com/


25/30

left. Mrs. Ramon steps off towards the back. Lets get

ready to rumble comes on.

As dance finished, just Ramon and Williams are left on

stage.

Ramon: Mr. Williams so this your theater?!

Williams: Im leaving now

Williams walks off stage.

Ramon: [AS CURTAINS BEGIN CLOSING] Math is a wonderful

thing. Math is a really cool thing. So get off

Lights off. Curtains Close

Lights go on almost immediately after for next scene (infront of curtains)

Janitors Scene

Climax Scene

(All the teachers are standing around BY DEPARTMENT, lookaround, incredibly confused. Barq walks in)

BARQ: (this is peppered with "football" "touchdown" and

"yeah") You must be wondering why I call you all to heretoday. I know this is hard to believe, but we've beenBAMBOOZLED. There's a meteor coming in A FEW MINUTES. A FEWMINUTES! And DQ has sent HIM (other coaches drag in Paddy)to spy on us! He's trying to decide which 9 teachers he'sgoing to save!

COUTO: S-s-save where?

BARQ: In his batcave

Teachers look around like Barq is crazy

ARTY: ah man, this is like that movie man!

DULZ: Dark Knight?

ARTY: nah, Finding Nemo man.

(Everyone looks at him confused)


26/30

JMART: looks like DQs pulled the ol Boston tea party onus. How are we going to decide who survives?

(Everyone starts talking and arguing at the same time.)

PA: Babyst, Babyst! please shut up! We need to pick ONEtshirt from each department, it's the fairest way. Thatway, Belen could last forever.

DEACON: I vote Brother Wood for us.

(All the religion teachers agree with him and say "ofcourse")

XANDER: well, I think the English teacher is, uh, prettyclear.

MAZA: yeah.

(They each point at themselves and say in unison)

ME.

XANDER: c'mon Maza, I'm the department head. It has to beme.

MAZA: there's only one fair way we can settle this.

XANDER: poetry battle?

MAZA: poetry battle.

(The whole crowd goes "ooooo" and clears chairs out of theway)

MAZA (clears throat and says, in a condescending voice):Two roads diverged in a yellow wood, I took the one lesstraveled, and that made all the difference.

XANDER: to be, or not to be, that is the question. Whethertis better to suffer slings and arrows of outrageousmisfortune, or, by opposing a sea of troubles, end them.

MAZA: actually, I'm gonna do an original now. I call it"Xander". PADILLA! DROP THE BEAT.


27/30

PADILLA: I dont has to do thisbut I wants to do this.

Padilla drops beat. Other teachers dance.

MAZA: You, can beat me? You must be delirious.

You may be the head, but not intellectually curious.

XANDER: I gotta say Maza, your raps are a bit shoddy,There's more poetry in my goatee than your entire body.

MAZA: I ask you this Xander, please tell me how,To win a rap battle if you don't even have eyebrows?

XANDER: Oh geez, someone get this Chongo out my face,Everyone knows Maza's raps are worse than plan 9 from outerspace.

MAZA: who's the better teacher, I think that, clearly,You can beat me when the cubs can win a World Series.

XANDER: quit while you're ahead Maza, you might as wellstop,Can't even find a word to describe you in my vocabularyworkshop.

(Drops vocab book in front of Maza)

All teachers start hootin and hollerin

ANGIE: stop it, stop it, por favor! This fighting istearing us apart! You are like pack of wild guinea pigs,fighting over the last bit of jamoncito! We need toappreciate our last minutes on this mundo.

NICOSIA: Shes right! Quit the hootin and hollerin

DELDAGO: Since times almost out, I need to get this off mychestMr Couto, I have a confession... I've been stealingthe batteries out of your TI inspire.

COUTO: (flabbergasted) but Double D?!

DELDAGO: the truth is, I have always been jealous that yougot the AP class...

COUTO: I have a confession too... I've been meeting up withMr. O and deriving equations.


28/30

DELDAGO: you cheated on me?! That's it Couto, 3 daysuspension from my heart!

COUTO: let's put the past behind us, Deldago. We don't have

much time left.

(DELDAGO first slowly, but then lovingly embraces him)

JMART: uh, fellas, I gotta fess up too. The truth is... I'mactually a direct descendant of Benedict Arnold.

SUCENA: Zero isnt my favorite number

(Sobs and runs off stage)

DULZAIDES: I've been eating all the mayonaise...

EVERYONE: WE KNOW.

COLLINS: I was wrong once...

BRAVO: I have dandruff

PADILLA: I horse-e-played in the lab...

NICOSIA: Ive never been to the great North

GUS: I am Armin Van Buuren

RAMIREZ: I know how to be nice

GERRY: I ATE A MAN!

SKULL: I got cut from my high school baseball team.

VAZQUEZ: I had a sprite once.

(Everyone gasps)

STUART: Truth isI know how to pass. Get me a 66 receiverthat runs a 4.4 and well be passin til the break of dawn.Until then, though, we win on the ground.

The Mayan God Quetzalcoatl walks on and yells strange

tribal sound.


29/30

JIMENEZ: Whos that? Mmkay.

GUS: Oh my Lordits the Mayan God Quetalcoatl. The Mayancalendar has ended. Were doomed!

ARTY: well, I guess this is it, man. I, I love you guys...

Teachers hug.

RAMON: THIS IS THE EEEEEEEEEEND!

Batman runs on stage to stop him

BATMAN: I will fulfill the prophecy. I will stop themeteor. I will speak to the Mayan gods.

QUETALCOATL shoves him away. The Mayan God lifts his arms

as if he is about to bring down the Earth.

Then Julio comes on stage and speaks to him in jibberish,

with excessive hand motion. He interacts with the Indian.

COLLINS: Is he speaking.quechua?

RAMIREZ: So thats what he speaks.

(The Indian nods and leaves. The teachers QUIETLY begin

walking backwards)

Fraga steps to front and loudly proclaims

FRAGA: JULIO IS THE MAYAN PROPHET

ANGIE: oh my God, Julio has saved us!

ARTY: you're like Matt Damon, man.

(Curtains close)

(DQ comes on stage wearing Batman mask, says in a dramaticBat-voice)

DQ: sometimes, the hero isn't who you expect. *REMOVES MASKand changes his voice to normal* I was the hero theydeserved, but not the one they needed right now. I think,what we learned today, is everyone has a little hero inthem. Like St. Ignatius said, we must go and set the world


30/30

on fire. If there's one thing I've seen today it's this:THE FIRE RISES.

ARTY appears under DQs legs

ARTY: hey DQ, I know you're bummed that you couldn't be thehero man, but don't sweat it. Maybe you should loosen up alittle bit. Lets dance

(They poke their heads out from the curtains and lip-sync"opam gangam style". Curtains open and everyone is theredoing the gangam style.)

ANNOUNCER CALLS DEPARTMENTS ONE AT A TIME IN THE FOLLWING

ORDER:

1. English

2. Social Studies

3. Students

4. Math

GANGAM STYLE EVERYONE

5. Coaches

6. Theology

7. Science

8. The Rest

CROWD AROUND GUS AND WATCH THE BASS DROP

END.

Belen Jesuit Preparatory School Senior Skit 2012-2013

Documents

Transcript of Belen Jesuit Preparatory School Senior Skit 2012-2013