Overview

A step-by-step approach tobecoming a more activeand involved father.

The challenges of being aworking father

Identifying the obstacles

Getting past the obstacles

Step 1. Recognizing theimportance of fatherhood

Step 2. Pushing through"imaginary" obstacles atwork

Step 3. Connecting withyour children

Step 4. Spending time withyour spouse

Step 5. Takingcare ofyourself

Becoming the Father YouWant to Be

Take a minute to think about your father and the role he played in your life

when you were a child. How would you describe him as a father?

Now think about how your own children would describe you —or how

they will describe you when they get older. Do you play an active role in

your children's lives? Do you have fun together? Do they talk to you about

important issues? Are you a positive role model for them —as a father, a

husband, and in all aspects of your life?

These can be sobering thoughts. There's no such thing as a perfect father,

but many of us, on reflection, will see room for improvement. What can

you do, given the pressures you face, to become the father you want to be?

How can you be successful at work andat home?

The challenges of being a working fatherFathers feel pressure to provide financially for their families. They also want tobe involved in the daily lives of their children. Sometimes it can feel like achoice between work or family, and when that happens, work pressures oftenwin out. After all, children can't fire their parents or offer them raises andpromotions. Rewards at work are usually more immediate and obvious thanthe rewards that come from being more involved at home.

But it doesn't have to be an either/or proposition. In fact, studies show thatmen who are involved with their children are actually more likely to succeed atwork. The skills needed to be a good father and effective worker turn out tobe very similar. In both roles, success comes from connecting and cooperatingwith other people, adapting to quickly changing conditions, and earning thesupport of others to achieve results.

Single fathers face their own set of challenges. They may not see their childrenevery day, and mayfeel a greater urgency to make good use of the time they dohave together. If they're raising children entirely on their own, they face thedifficult challenge of being both parent and provider.

Identifying the obstaclesA number of forces combine to make it hard for men to be the fathers they'dlike to be. Some of these forces are common to both men and women, and

some are unique to men.

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Time pressures. Work demands can make it hard to find time for family. Workdemands have a way of increasing over time. And electronic communicationsmake it easier than ever to keep working after you get home -- and harder thanever to make time for family.

Attitudes about men's roles at work andat home. Many men tip the balance intheir lives toward work out of fear of what others will think. They worry thatif they show they care about their families, they will somehow show that theydon't care about work. It takes a confident father, for example, to takepaternity leave to care for a new baby. Whether it's spoken or not, manypeople hold to the belief that caring for young children is "women's work" andthat a father's place is on the job.

Lack ofparenting skills. Many men don't have role models for the kind of fathersthey want to be. They may want to be more involved in raising their childrenthan their own fathers were, but it isn't always clear how to do it. After ademanding day at work, it can be hard to muster the patience to deal calmlyand cheerfullywith a crying baby, a whining 4-year-old, or a rebelliousteenager.

Disagreements with spouse. While many women want their husbands toparticipate more at home, husbands and wives often disagree about the bestway to handle parenting situations. Without confidence in their parentingskills, many men respond to this conflict by withdrawing and letting their wivesdeal with the children. The result: Both partners are often unhappy with thebalance of responsibilities.

Getting past the obstaclesThe obstacles to successful fatherhood are real; but they're notinsurmountable. As with any big challenge, the solution comes throughprogress made one small step at a time.

Step 1. Recognizing the importance of fatherhoodRemind yourself of why the effort is so important: It's becauseyou areimportant to your children. Childrenwith involved and supportive fathers gaina platform of self-confidence and strength on which to build a successful adultlife. Astronger relationship with your children can also make your own lifethat much fuller and more satisfying.

Whether you're raising sons or daughters, your own example as a father isproviding a positive role model that may be reflected some day in howyourchildren deal with their own families, and how they raise your grandchildren.Step 2. Pushing through "imaginary" obstacles at workManyfathers blame the work environment or their immediate supervisors fortheir inability to spend more time with their children. Some of this is real.

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Sometimes we need to put in long hours to meet critical business needs, andthere are plenty of driven and unsupportive managers in the world. But muchof the pressure comes from inside ourselves -- from worry about how amanager might respond if we asked for greater flexibility in our work hours,for example, or for time off to see a child perform in a school play.

It can take courage to ask, but until you do, you don't really know how muchof this work pressure is real and how much is just your imagination. Manyfathers are surprised to find out how much room for maneuver they do have intheir schedules when they explore the issue with their managers.

Before you have this conversation, be sure to think through your request fromyour manager's point of view. How will the work get done if you take theafternoon off or change your regular work hours? If you want to come inearlier and leave earlier a couple of days a week, for example, you might pointout that you could be available to serve customers in different time zones, orthat you'll be able to complete more project work with some uninterruptedtime early in the morning.

Step 3. Connecting with your children

One-on-one time

When you think back to your happiest memories of childhood, chances areyou'll recall a time when a parent, a grandparent, or some other adult spentsome special time with you -- just you. It will be true for your children, too.Time together as a family can be wonderful, but if you have more than onechild, make sure you find ways to spend special time with each of them. Itmight be a trip to the library, a walk in a park, a game of catch, or a projectmaking something together. Bedtime reading offers a good opportunity forone-on-one time. Even tasks like cooking, yard work, washing the car, or basichome repairs (keeping safety in mind) can be made into special times whendone with a child.

A good way to build one-on-one time into your schedule is to make a list withyour child (with each child, ifyou have more than one) of the things you like todo together. You'll find two sheets for making these lists at the end of thisarticle. Copy them if you need more. We've divided the list into short activities(those you could do in an hour or less at home or in your neighborhood) andlonger ones (those that would take more than an hour or that involve planningor travel). Feel free to make the list longer if you and your child have enoughtime and ideas.

As you fill out the list with your child, keep expense in mind. You may end updoing any or all of these over the next few weeks, so be careful to make themactivities you can easily afford. The goal is to spend time together and have

4 • Becoming the Father You Want to Be

fun, and that needn't cost any money at all. (For example, many public librarieshave museum passes that you can borrow.)

When you finish the list, use it to pick something to do together whenever youhave some free time. You might commit to a short activity once a week and alonger activity once a month. To choose, roll dice, point with your eyes closed,or make a spinner with as many numbers asyou have choices and let your childspin. If your child doesn't want to take chances, read from the list and let herpick.

Simply making the list is a way to spend specialtime with a child. You'llprobably be surprised and pleased to hear your child's ideas. And as you getstarted on the activities, you'll probablybe surprised at how fun this one-on-one time can be.

Do your best to keep this asspecial time for your child. Try not to bedistracted by other worries. If the phone rings, for example, you don't have toanswer it. Letting it ring can send a good signal to your child that you reallycare about this time with her.

Real conversations

We all know the answer we get when we ask a child, "What did you dotoday?" Nine times out often it's "Nothing." That doesn't have to be theextent of your conversation. If you know enough about what's gone on thatday (either by rememberingthe plans for the day or by getting a telephoneupdate from home before you leavework), you can ask specific questions: "Didyou have fun with Thomas this afternoon?" "What books did you find at thelibrary today?" or "I hearyou made cookies. What part did you do?" Whenyou ask these kinds of questions you havea better chance of startinga realconversation with your child. You might also break the ice by telling your childsomething about your day —maybesomething you sawon the way home orsomething funny that happened to you at work.

Take cues from your child, too. Instead of starting from what you are thinkingabout (what happened in school, whether the homework is done), observewhatyour child is doing and use that activityas a place to connect. If your school-age child is readingwhen you get home, sit down next to him with your ownreading for a few minutes, then ask him about his book. If your child isdrawing, pretending to be a knight, or making an imaginary meal, join in theplayyourself. It can be hard to shift gears like this, but if you can, the rewardmay be an engagingconversation with your child —and a clean break fromwork at the end of the day.

5 * Becoming the Father You Want to Be

The other key to good conversations —with children or adults —is to listen.Your child may not be ready to talk when you first get home. Be ready when heis. Try not to be so busy or distracted yourself that you miss the opening for aconversation.

Take your kids to workWhen your children have an image in their minds of where you work, andwhen they understand what you do for work, they will be able to ask you aboutyour day when you get home. If it isn't prevented by company policy or safetyrules, bring your child to work with you for a day, or have your wife or afamily member bring her in for a shorter visit.

You might bring a child to the office on a Saturday, for example, when youneed to catch up on work and when you know her presence won't bedistracting to your co-workers. You could arrange in advance with a goodcustomer — and with your manager —to bring an older child on a sales call.Or you might arrange to give your child a tour of the factory during your lunchbreak.

A visit with you to your work not only allows a child some special time withyou, it also gives her a chance to enter and understand the part of your life shewouldn't otherwise see. And exposure to your work, to see what's excitingabout it and what isn't, may help her when she's older and begins to make herown career decisions.

Stay in touch when you're awayIf you travel for work, you'll need to find ways to replace the daily rituals ofbedtime stories, homework help, or breakfast together with other kinds ofconnection with your children. A phone call home at an expected time canreassureyour child that you're still paying attention. E-mail is a convenientway to communicate with children old enough to read, but it lacks theemotional connection of a voice conversation. Web-cam technology can allowyou to see your children while you talk —and for your children to see you andwhere you're staying.

You might leavea note for your child to open and read while you're away.Some parents record a message for a younger child to play while they're away -- telling a story or simply saying hello. You might ask your child for somethingof his to bring with you on your trip: a drawing he's made, a toy that willremind you of him (that he won't miss), or a photograph.

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Step 4. Spending time with your spouseOver time, couplescangrowto take each other for granted. With children, itcan be especially hard to find the time to keep your relationship alive, close,and fun.

It's normal for the arrival of a baby to shift a couple's attention from eachother to this new, and very demanding, member of the family. But, over timeyou also need to find ways to keep paying attention to each other. Two of themost effective ways are to go out together on regular dates and to build ritualsfor connecting with each other.

DatingA weekly or monthly date can do wonders for a relationship. If you don't maketime for each other in your schedules, it's easy to let weeks or even months goby without special time together away from the children. By planning a regulardate, you help to keep fun and closenessin your relationship.

Dating doesn't have to be expensive. If you're worried about the cost of ababysitter, you might trade sitting with friends or neighbors who also havechildren. If the cost of dinner or a movie is likely to cause stress rather thanrelieve it, think about an afternoon walk in a favorite park or through aneighborhood you'd both like to explore, or go window-shopping and leaveyour credit cards at home.

Whatever you do, spend time together planning a date you both will enjoy.Your idea of a good time together may be very different from your wife's.Planning a date together will not only help you avoid disappointment, it's alsoan important way to connect as a couple.

Rituals for connectingwith each otherEarly in their relationship, many couples have pet names for each other, orspecialways of saying goodbye at the start of the work day or goodnightbefore falling asleep. They may spend Sunday mornings together sharing thenewspaper over coffee, bring home flowers for each other, or make a favoritemeal together.

Over time, many of us let these rituals disappear. Pet names may seem silly aswe grow older. Now that we have children, weekend mornings no longer offerthe same sort of relaxedtime together. And we grow out of the habit of callingeach other at work or bringing home flowers. But rituals are just as importantto your relationship now as they were when you were a new couple. Theyremind you that you can still count on each other, and that you both still loveand appreciate each other.

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If the old rituals no longer seem to work for you, find new ones. After thechildren are asleep, for example, instead of immediately starting in onhousehold tasks or the work you brought home, you might sit down togetherwith a cup of tea or a glass of wine. If you're too tired for talk, simply sittingtogether and reading or watching a television show you both like can foster asense of connection. Or you might get up early and have a private breakfasttogether in the morning.

Connecting rituals don't have to stop when you're apart, either. A quick phonecall during the work day to see how things are going, or a short "thinking ofyou" e-mail are both ways of showing your appreciation for each other. Whenyou're awayon business, a bedtime or morning phone call can be an importantritual. You might make one call to say goodnight to the kids and another, lateron, to talk with your wife.

Step 5. Taking care of yourselfIt's hard to be a patient and understanding father when you're feeling tense,worried, and pressured. As one parenting expert put it, "You can be nicer thanyou feel —but not much." As a father, you need the good humor to distract astubborn 2-year-old with silliness, to coach a fourth grader calmly through hishomework, or to deal fairly and openly with a teenager who's testing yourlimits. And to do that, you need to make some room in your life to attend toyour own needs.

Time out

When things get tense at work, a 10-minute walk outside or to the other sideof the building can help you clear your head and brace yourself to tackle theproblems you face. Even that small amount of time to yourself can break afeeling of escalatingtension and help you regain a sense of control over yoursituation. In the same way, listening to soothing music or reading a divertingbook on your way home from work can help reduce tension.

Exercise

Regular exercise not only improves your health and gives you some time toyourself, it actually builds your emotional resilience and helps you deal withlife's aggravations more calmly. A half-hour walk at lunchtime, a run three orfour times a week, or an early-morning workout — however you get yourexercise, it's time well spent.

Time for special interests and friendsDon't let work and family responsibilities absorb all of your time and energy.In the long run, you'll be a better father — and a better worker —if you leavesome room in your life for personal interests. They might be reading, watchingmovies, hiking, or an occasional evening with friends. Just as you can find ways

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to spend one-on-one time with your kids if you try, by focusing on what'simportant in your life you can generally find time for your favorite activities.

Being a good father is really about being a good parent, finding ways tobalance work and family responsibilities, and building a solid relationship withyour spouse. Remember: Small changes, one step at a time, are the way tomakerealprogress.

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Things we like to do together

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Short activities (1 hour or less)Examples: Reading a story, making paperairplanes, playing catch, painting a picture,making something outof wood, playing cards.

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Longer activities (more than 1 hour)Examples: Going to the library, a museum, aconcert, or a baseball game; going camping,bowling, orfora longwalk.

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Things we like to do together

Names:

Short activities (1 hour or less)Examples: Reading a story, makingpaperairplanes, playing catch, painting a picture,making something out ofwood, playing cards.

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Longer activities (more than 1 hour)Examples: Going to the library, a museum, aconcert, ora baseball game; goingcamping,bowling, orfor a long walk.

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