h t t p / / : w w w . I i f e e n h a n c e m e n t c o n s u l t i n g g r o u p . c o m C o p y r i g h t P r o t e c t e d @ 2 0 1 5 L i f e E n h a n c e m e n t C o a c h i n g I n s t i t u t e

Become A Coach Program, Lesson 6 Leroy A. Allen

Become a Coach Program (LEG)

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Table of Contents

Listening as a Coach ...................................................................................................................... 3 The ICF and Active Listening: A Core Competency ………………………………………………………………………..9 Confucius Five Relationships ..................................................................................................11

Life Wheel Forms .........................................................................................................................13

Listening as a Coach

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• Listening as a coach • Acknowledging • Empowering • Setting boundaries • Learn how to coach different client types • Assignment: set your own personal boundaries • Article: Clear Clean Environment = Clean Mind (Clear Mind = Better Listener

= Better Coach)

Listening as a Coach The coaching process examined:

It is very important to be content in your life when coaching others. The main reason for this is that when you are dealing with struggle in your life, your mind will not be as fully aware to truly hear your client’s needs as it is when you have contentment in your life. Having a clear head and mind are imperative when coaching. A clear environment is often a good place to start when working to clear your head. Getting rid of stuff is often essential, as everything we own and see has a mental image/emotion/thought attached to it. Thus, the cleaner your home, the clearer your mind will be. Also important when listening: You must let go of your own agenda You must understand that getting to the end goal with no room for change is

not always going to happen. You must have room to negotiate and adjust You must detach yourself emotionally from the thought of your client

achieving or not achieving their goals

Ask. Listen. Summarize.

Formulate next step. (This often includes asking

additional questions.)

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Your role as a coach in the client’s life is only 20% of what it takes for your client to reach his/her goals. Although it is an important and necessary 20%, the client holds the balance in their hands. If they do the work, they will get there

Repeat back what the client said, this ensures you are the same page and that you have heard correctly. This also indicates you were listening. THIS IS KNOWN AS ACTIVE LISTENING.

It is your job to point out what your intuition is telling you as the client is

oftentimes too deeply entrenched in their life to view it from a detached standpoint

Listening Like a Pro Thinking about what you are going to say next is NOT listening (it is thinking about what you are going to say next). As stated above, you are a better listener when there is less going on in your head. Listening is not a passive skill. Listening also involves reiteration and follow-up questions, as well as the process of listening for what the client is not saying. Reiterate what your client has said at the end so that they feel you really heard them and so that you know that you are both on the same page. Reiterate whet the client said using their language. Communication styles vary between the sexes. When in person, nodding indicates to a woman that you are listening and nodding to a man indicates that you agree with him. In order to reduce communication errors, speak what you are thinking to your client. Listen without asking yourself how your client’s answers affect you. Other things you should be listening for:

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Acknowledgement Acknowledgement is very important to the coach-client relationship. When acknowledging, the coach

• Recognizes another’s existence, validity, etc. • Recognizes the existence or truth of something • Recognizes a thing done • Shows appreciation or gratitude

Forms of acknowledgement Acknowledge by Complimenting A compliment is an expression of praise. A compliment endorses, congratulates or commends for a job well done. General Compliment Tips

• Give compliments only when they are deserved • Do not over-compliment or over-acknowledge

General compliment “Your report was great, Janet!”

Listen For

Values

Needs

Roadblocks

Passions

Wants

Goal ideas

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The best compliments are ones that are attached to the client’s feelings and values. Better compliment: “I could tell you put your heart into that report, Janet, and I think the integrity in your work was quite obvious.” Acknowledge by Celebrating

• Celebrate the many small steps as they are accomplished • Bring energy and enthusiasm to their goal • Do the unexpected: send them a card or congratulatory email

Acknowledge by Highlighting Strengths When the week has not gone as planned, acknowledge what did go right prior to discussing what needs to be adjusted and changed. When giving feedback or making observations, always start and end with strength. Acknowledge by Giving the Gift of Silence Use silence to acknowledge that the coachee has the answers, allowing them enough time to work the answer out for themselves (allow 10 to 60 seconds for them to answer a question). Acknowledge by Holding the Vision Be an advocate for the coachee’s vision, and always bring them back to this if they begin to veer off down another path. This lets them know that you think their plans have value. Empowering Your Client Below are simple (yet effective) methods for empowering your client:

• When you are honest with yourself and with your client, you empower them. • When you keep your promises to your client (keeping scheduled session

times) you show your client that they are important to you, and therefore, you empower them.

• When you celebrate their successes, you empower them. • When you are honest with them, and they learn they can trust you, you

empower them. • Acknowledgement also creates empowerment. When you hear that your

client has done well, acknowledge what your client did. • Setting personal boundaries will also empower your client.

Setting Personal Boundaries

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Setting appropriate boundaries in your personal life will give you more time to relax and rejuvenate yourself and will thus put you into the best frame of mind when dealing with others. Many clients have problems setting boundaries. Setting boundaries is an important step to self-fulfillment, as it allows more time for the client to grow as an individual. Many clients will feel guilty at the thought of taking more time for themselves and setting boundaries in their lives. The bottom line is: if they take time for themselves, they will be in a better frame of mind when dealing with others and will have more reserves to give. To make the importance of setting personal boundaries clear, you may want refer to the example of airplane conduct: If the oxygen masks are needed and released from the overhead compartment, before you put one on your child, you must first put one on yourself, so that you will be conscious enough to help those around you. If your client continues to ignore themselves and their needs, then their job, children, spouse and friends will suffer. The people in your client’s life will feel your client’s sense of being overwhelmed and stressed, and they will inevitably deal with the fallout of that. On the other hand, if your client spends an hour every day exercising, meditating or reading, then they will be in a much more peaceful state of mind in which to deal and interact with others throughout the day. Setting Boundaries Boundaries are closely related to our values. They are what stop people (including our children) from walking all over us. Boundaries are what tell us when enough is enough, and they help us distinguish between what we consider to be right and wrong. Boundaries help us have more time for what matters to us. For a more peaceful and content life we must have clear boundaries, and we must help our clients to achieve them as well. In order to do that, we must first clarify our boundaries:

• What behaviors do others engage in that bother you?

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• When your son borrows your car and always returns it with little or no gas? • When you mother tells you how she wishes you would find a better job, or a

better partner? • When someone calls after 9pm at night to discuss work issues? •

After you have clarified what bothers you, you must then set boundaries based on that. Example: “I will tell Josh that I would like the car filled up before it is returned.” Then, and this is the hard part, you must enforce your boundaries. If Josh doesn’t return the car with gas, what will happen? Will he be unable to use the car for the rest of the week? Whatever you decide, you must stick to it. Otherwise, people will walk all over you and not only will your car be without gas, but your self-esteem will take a hit as well for not following through with what you said. It is best to start out with smaller boundaries and grow from there, as the enforcement of the boundaries is not easy, but consistency is key. The good news is that after your personal boundaries have been established, and you feel as though they are being respected, you will feel empowered and more confident in your life. Clients Who Over-Promise Themselves (and Never Seem to Have Time to Themselves) Over-promising is a roadblock in development. A client who cannot say no to others is at risk for leaving no room for themselves and their development. One telltale sign that a client is over-promising is if you notice that they reply “no problem” to whatever is asked of them. What causes this? Often the cause is the client’s need for love and acceptance. How to assist a client who over-promises:

• Practice saying “no” with them in a way that will not offend the other person, dealing with all the possible reactions another person might have in response to your client’s “no”.

• Ask them what their life would be like if they never said no again, then ask them what their life would be like if they routinely said no. How much free time would they have? What could they do with that time?

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• Have little “no” assignments such as saying no to one person this coming week.

• Deal with why saying “no” is more than alright. Is saying no really worse than not completing all you have promised?

• Increase their self-worth, thus enabling them to make better decisions for themselves.

Please note that your client will naturally solve this problem of not being able to decline and avoid burdening themselves when their self-worth is at an adequate level. Judgmental Clients As a general rule, clients who judge others are even harsher on themselves. Remember that talking about the flaws you like least in others may be pointing out the flaws you yourself possess (one finger pointing out, three fingers pointing back at you). Use your discretion as to whether or not you mention this to your client, and as their coach, work to redirect their focus back into their own current life situation. The ICF and Active Listening: A Core Competency

This is ICF’s description on what active listening is:

Ability to focus completely on what the client is saying and is not saying, to understand

the meaning of what is said in the context of the client’s desires, and to support client

self-expression.

1. Attends to the client and the client’s agenda, and not to the coach’s

agenda for the client,

2. Hears the client’s concerns, goals, values and beliefs about what is and

is not possible,

3. Distinguishes between the words, the tone of voice, and the body

language,

4. Summarizes, paraphrases, reiterates, mirrors back what client has said

to ensure clarity and understanding,

5. Encourages, accepts, explores and reinforces the client’s expression of

feelings, perceptions, concerns, beliefs, suggestions, etc.,

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6. Integrates and builds on client’s ideas and suggestions,

7. “Bottom-lines” or understands the essence of the client’s

communication and helps the client get there rather than engaging in

long descriptive stories,

8. Allows the client to vent or “clear” the situation without judgment or

attachment in order to move on to next steps. Listening Guidelines for Different Client Types Although it is important that we coach the client, not the “type”, it is important to understand where each client is coming from. Please find some client types below, though there are many others to consider.

• The generation Xer • The entrepreneur • The professional • The artist • The executive • The parent

The generation Xer The “Generation Xer” is often a recent graduate in their 20s who, although is full of optimism, is also scared of not amounting to a success. This person may also:

• Feel a great deal of pressure to be a success • Want to impress their parents • Sometimes worry they will not be a success, but will generally push that idea

out of their head pretty quickly • Put tremendous personal pressure on themselves • Have access to very little money as they are just starting out in life

Coaching Goal: while working with them to attain their goals, also work to increase their self-esteem, as this will lessen the pressure they put on themselves, making goal attainment easier. The Entrepreneur This is a person who experiences tons of excitement when starting a new project, but may also have a problem sustaining this type of enthusiasm after a certain period of time.

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This person may also: • Love starting projects • Be all about ideas • Be at risk to be involved in their first business venture all their life instead of

doing what they love: starting new businesses • Be self-employed (or dream of being so) • Not be afraid of risk • Be a workaholic

Coaching Goal: while working with them to attain their goals, work to get to the heart of their dreams. The Professional This is a person who may pride themselves on their professional career. This person may also:

• Be in private practice • Be independent • Have a need to be on top of their field and thus always be working on

projects or reading about new studies • Have the need to help people solve their problems, whether their problems

are legal, health-related etc. • Be a workaholic • View success as extremely important to them, thus always be working to

remain successful • Need help with expanding their network

Coaching Goal: This person will most likely have good self-worth (the highest out of all client types); thus, the challenge with this person is to incorporate more pleasing and fun elements into their life. The Artist An artist is a person of very intense emotions, who has a tendency to suffer from low self-esteem. This person may also:

• Be on a non-traditional path • View their creativity as extremely important to them – they are their work • Not be happy with their life or their work

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• Be very emotional – if their life is “disastrous” it is because they are “disastrous”

Coaching Goal: Increasing self-worth is the first and foremost goal with this client. If you increase their self-worth they will have an easier time accepting themselves and appreciating what they have to offer the world. The Executive This person is generally a manager or higher in a company. This person may also:

• Be a high-up employee in a company • Have a high level of responsibility, to people above her and below her • Receive little praise for her work • Be very project-orientated and just tend to put projects above people’s needs • Often be viewed by others in the same company as insensitive • Enjoy the status associated with her position • Believe that winning is the most important aspect of her job (winning

contracts, negotiations etc.)

Coaching Goal: Get their vision fulfilled. Work on their self-worth and encourage the strength of who they are. The Parent This person usually has too much going on! This person may also:

• Feel guilty pursuing their passion • Focus on others (kids and their well-being) • Believe that they should know better (put too much pressure on themselves)

Coaching Goal: Create a vision and set some goals. Parents love strategizing. The above list does not include other factors that may greatly affect a person’s view of life. This includes the person who grew up in a strict home, who may tend to feel guilty and worry often. They will often have low self-worth. Questions for Self Reflection (This is not an assignment.) How important (or not important) are guidelines for client types when coaching others?

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Can you think of any other client types that have not been mentioned? What is a roadblock you have to becoming a better listener? Article: Confucius Five Relationships - True Wisdom The famous Confucius, founder of the Five Relationships theory, was a Chinese philosopher, a political analyst, a teacher and the father or the founder of what can be called a religion or philosophy known as Confucianism. He lived in China about 500 years BC, and has since influenced the way of thought in Asian society. As with many geniuses of all trades, Confucius's work, beliefs, and teachings were not recognized at all during his lifetime. It was many years after he died that people actually recognized him for his concepts and vision. Confucius believed that there were five basic relationships that existed in society

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and intermingled with each other. The five human relationships that he recognized were Ruler to the Ruled, Father to Son, Husband to Wife, Older Brother to Younger Brother, and Friend to Friend. Ruler to Subject According to Confucius, the ruler of a society is supposed to set a moral example for his people and lead with a father-like presence. So, it is also true that he must rule as though he is the father of a very big family. If he doesn't rule by example, and, instead, rules by power, then, according to Confucius, he is not a very good leader. This led the Chinese to believe that a bad leader was not supported by Heaven, so if any bad luck or fighting befell a leader, it was because he was not worthy. Father to Son (in modern times, parent to child) Confucius considered this to be the most important of the Five Relationships, because a parent-like role is important in many situations. Confucianism, based on love and compassion, has a lot to say about the parent to child relationship and how mutual respect and admiration are required. Husband to Wife Again, the ideas of love, compassion, and respect are involved here. Older Brother to Younger Brother Here again there is an aspect of teaching between right and wrong. Friend to Friend This is more of a uniform relationship, although it could vary if the friends differ greatly in age.

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Confucius taught that a society where individuals put morals and virtue above everything else cannot help but prosper. So he really emphasized the importance of rituals and standard of conduct. He also focused on the fact that everyone always has the opportunity to make the right choices, no matter what circumstances they find themselves in. He stressed that if every single person in a society performs his part the right way by making the right and just choices, the society will be in harmony. Confucius viewed society as a giant wheel with the king as the axis that everything spins around. So he did believe in the hierarchical structure of society and that a society which was based on virtue, the goodness of individuals, and the Five Relationships among them, wouldn't need punishment.

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For maximum effectiveness, please use under the guidance of a certified coach. Graduates of LEG are welcome to use these forms AS THEY ARE with their clients.

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Directions: Over the next week or so, set aside some time to reflect on each area listed above. When you get to Part 2 of this workbook, consult with your coach prior deciding what steps to take next. Throughout these worksheets you will notice highlighted text. These are tests, assessments and exercises that you may find useful that your coach can easily access for you. Part 1: Examining the 14 Areas Health What works for you right now? How do you feel on a regular basis? What do you think would help improve your overall health?

1. 2. 3. 4. 5.

Helpful: Take the Health Assessment.

Sales

Health

Spirituality

Finances

Home

Social Network

Appearance

Career

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Spirituality Do you feel you have a strong sense of self? Do you feel calm and centered throughout the day? When do you feel closest to God? Do you tithe and would you like to? What would help you strengthen your spiritual connection? Helpful: Take the Spiritual Gifts test. Finances Do you have a wealth plan? Is your income adequately covering your bills with some in reserve? If your income were to increase, what would you purchase with this money? Why? Ideas for increasing your income:

1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

6.

7.

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8.

Helpful: Use the Wealth Building Tools. Home Take some time and walk room by room through your house. In each room, what needs to be changed or improved? Do not forget to include bathrooms, closets and the garage.

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Social Network Do you spend time with people who challenge you to up your game? Do you spend time with people you admire and aspire to be? Do you spend time with people who drain you? Who would you like to keep in your ideal social group? Who would you like to add into your ideal social group? Appearance What about your appearance do you love? (Consider your weight, nails, face, eyes, skin, clothes and hair.) What would you like to change or improve and why? When you take a look through your closet, do the clothes you have represent who you want to be? What can you do about this?

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Helpful: Use the Weight Loss Coaching Tools. Career Do you feel inspired when you work? What about your career do you love? If you had all the support you required, what career would you pursue? What do you dislike about your career? Does your career suit your talents and strengths? Helpful: Take the Unlocking Your Passion test. Habits What habits could you add into your life that would increase your overall life satisfaction? What habits are hurting you and the quality of your life? What could you replace these habits with? What thought-habits (limiting beliefs) are inhibiting your growth? What accurate beliefs can you replace them with? Helpful: Talk to your coach about how to effectively replace unwanted habits. Intimate Relationships – Your Personal Relationship

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Being completely honest, are you satisfied with the intimate relationship you have with your partner? What would you like to see changed or improved? What works with this relationship? With Your Children With each relationship – what do you like about it? What would you like to see changed or improved? Extended Family Relationships Who do you get along with best? Who would you like to get to know better? Who would you like to reduce your contact with? Additional notes:

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Free Time What do you normally spend your free time doing? What would you like to spend more time on? What are your favorite activities?

1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. 9. 10.

Contributions How do you contribute within your community? Ideally, how would you like to contribute to society? How can your skills and knowledge best be used to help others? Part 2: Becoming Proactive Directions: Now that you have completed the areas above, take some time to decide which area you would like to work on first. Health Spirituality Finances Home Social Network Appearance Career Habits Intimate Relationship Extended Family

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Relationships Free Time Contributions

1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. 9. 10. 11. 12. 13. 14.

Once you have decided on an area to work on first, consult with your coach to set goals and decide on the next steps to take.