Beating the Best

My heart was pounding and I felt the all to familiar knots beginning to form in my

stomach. There was almost no time left to try and prepare myself for what was about to come. I

kept reading and rereading my lines over and over trying to be familiar with what the book said.

Then it happened. The room went dead silent as everyone was waiting on me. Oblivious to this

fact I continued to read my lines in my head until someone poked me and said, “Kyle, it’s your

turn to read.” I laughed a little to try and show everyone I didn’t care that I just missed my line,

but on the inside every ounce of confidence that I could have mustered up just went out of me

like air out of a ballon. Taking a breath I began to read the passage I had tried to familiarize

myself with only moments ago. To my surprise I actually was reading pretty well. It was a little

slow but I was reading, and it was out loud! I kept going through my paragraph a little shaky but

not to bad. Then the inevitable happened. Going through my paragraph I started to switch my

words up. Man I felt stupid! “Wait hold on” and “No sorry thats not what it says” seemed to be

my catchphrases when I read. For a sixth grader there is enough pressure on you already trying to

fit in with new people in a new place, but when you add on top of all that not being able to read

out loud, it was just to much to handle sometimes. I, of course, had times before where this

reading problem would happen to me, but every time I think of hating to read out loud it always

stems right from my sixth grade english class room.

I guess it would be best to start to at the beginning, so I can truly be able to show you

why reading out loud began to be something I dreaded. Let me start by saying that I have always

been out shined by my brother, Chase, when it came to talking. Now I'm not upset by that and I

don’t feel like I was neglected or mistreated at all. I simply just lived in my older brothers

shadow when it came to talking to people. From a young age he had a rather large vocabulary

and would talk the ears off of anyone. And he didn't just talk to kids our age, he would talk to

adults also and actually carry on a conversation with them! Growing up, and especially when I

was in middle school, we were both kinda known as the funny guys around our friends. The only

problem was that when Chase would come around my friends, I wouldn't be the funny guy

anymore, because he would tell funnier and better stories than I would. To put it plainly he was a

much better personality than I was. Because of all of this when we both auditioned for parts in

our church musical as kids, he would always get the speaking parts. I didn't mind not getting a

speaking part because I always got to sing solos, but when I got older I started wanting to be like

my brother and have the speaking part. Since Chase and I were brothers, we always auditioned at

the same time. I remember when I was right around 10, we were both going for the same part. I

was focusing so hard on trying to read and be a character that I started mixing all my words up.

Even though I messed up I still thought I did a pretty good job and felt confident about my

audition. Then it was my brothers turn. As he began to read it was like this little children’s script

he was reading magically turned into a Shakespeare classic. I could have sworn at some point it

seemed like he slipped a “to be or not to be” in there somewhere. He had nailed the character and

flawlessly read the script right off the page. I still remember the look on everyones face when he

was finished. He was obviously the clear choice and it crushed me that I just couldn't beat him in

being the better personality. Time after time Chase would beat me out for the speaking part until

finally he got to old for the musicals. But the thing was I got so use to trying to beat him, that

even when he wasn’t there auditioning against me, I would still feel pressure to be better than

him. That feeling of pressure quickly transferred from just auditions to anytime I would read out

loud.

My sixth grade english class was rough to say the least. I struggled to read anything out

loud and when I did I would just mess it up. My confidence in my ability to read out loud just

kept going down and down. Even though people wouldn't laugh at me it always seemed, at least

in my mind, that there was a whole stadium of people busting a gut every time I messed up a

word. Because of this I wouldn't volunteer to ready anything. I wouldn't even read the Bible at

church out loud. This kind of behavior continued all through middle school and part of high

school.

I remember one time in eighth grade we were reading the Diary of Ann Frank. We had

just started off a new chapter and I was the first to have to read. I tried to squirm my way out the

best I could. I asked my teacher, “Do I have to read.” She rolled her eyes and said in an

exasperated tone, “Everyone has to read Kyle.” I couldn't blame her for getting fed up with me

about reading. I always tried to get out and when I did read I would stumble through the whole

story. While I was racking my brain for any loop holes I said something that only came out

because of desperation. “But Mitchell never has to read!” This was not the best thing to say of

course because you see I knew why Mitchell didn't have to read. Mitchell had a lisp and when he

read there were times people couldn't help but laugh. My teacher was obviously flustered and

trying not to offend Mitchell as much as possible just said, “Yes well I guess if you have a valid

reason you can’t read then you don't have to.” I had no real reason to not be able to read so I

decided to just butcher all the words until she just told me to stop. This way I could make

everyone laugh and I also wouldn't have to read. It seemed like a win win to me but it turned out

to be the most modifying thing that would ever happen to me.

Every new chapter started out with the same two words and they were “Dear Kitty.” Well

trying to be funny I innocently added the letter L into kitty. With confidence I read a loud “Dear

Klitty.” Now at the time I didn't know what that was but my teacher sure as heck did. The whole

room went silent for about a second and then that perverted kid in the room lost it. I’m pretty

sure the whole room was shocked I said that. I remember it being so eerie as I tried to figure out

what I had done wrong. With the sound of a single laugh in the back ground my teacher looked at

me with fire in her eyes. She addressed me in the scariest voice I had ever heard. “Kyle did you

mean to say that?” she asked. I replied back kind of slow, “Yes I did.” Appalled she shook her

head and said ok next person. I was so embarrassed because I didn’t know what I had said. I

remember running through my brain a million times trying to figure out what I had said but

nothing came to my mind that would warrant that kind of response. After class was over, I

grabbed the kid that was laughing so hard and asked him, “Dude, what was so funny?” With a

chuckle in his tone he asked, “Wait, you don't know what you said?” I was getting fed up with all

that crap I said, “No! Now just tell me!” When he told me what that it meant I felt like I was

going to throw up from embarrassment. Of course he just laughed and walked off.

After that day I knew I had to figure out why I could never read out loud. I thought I

might be dyslexic, but when I told my mom that she just laughed at me and said I was fine. Then

I thought maybe I had a speaking problem, but that couldn't be the case because I was fine with

public speaking. I went through quite a few different ideas of what could be wrong with me. I

use to research all the things I though could be wrong we me until one by one I had crossed them

all off my list. Finally I just tried to think through my problem. I had always loved to read but

never out loud. I traced my hatred for reading out loud back to the sixth grade but then I realized

that I had the reading problem long before sixth grade. I kept trying to figure out where the

problem came from when it hit me. I couldn't remember a time where I didn't mix my words up

when I read out loud. When I was younger it never seemed to bother me that I wasn't the best at

reading out loud. Thinking hard about it I finally realized I never got over not being able to be

like my brother. I had for the past 5 years been judging myself based on my brother. I decided

right then to stop comparing myself to him.

After I decided that I would no longer compare myself to my brother, oddly enough, I

wasn't asked to read for a while. Then it happened. I remember being in my church’s student

group of actors in about tenth grade, I was talking with my girlfriend when I was handed a script.

My director told me, “You will play the part of Javier.” I smiled but behind my smile I was

freaking out! I told myself to calm down and stop worrying about beating my brother. I started to

pour over all my lines and make sure I had read every line at least once before I had to read it out

loud. When it was finally my turn I was ready! My character was a kid who was always making

his parents mad and causing a problem. I had to read a big paragraph about him ranting on and

on about how mad his parents were at him. I had nailed all my previous lines and felt confident

for the big paragraph. I started into it with a great personality making the character really jump

off the page. I was doing it! It felt so good to finally be reading out loud and doing it well. Then

all the sudden I put the words “dad” and “slam” together. Yep thats right, in my church in the

middle of my sentence, I said “damn.” I started to freak out a little but then I just laughed and

used my famous catchphrase, “Well thats not what it says” and kept right on without missing a

beat. That was such a huge victory for me that day. I proved to myself I didn't have to beat the

best to be confident with my reading skills, I only needed to be the best version of myself.