“Be Fruitful”

SESI 1 GROW DEEP(BE ROOTED)

SESI 2 GROW UP

SESI 3 GROW OUTWARD

SESI 4 GROW ONWARD

(BE FAITHFUL & FRUITFUL)

SESI 1 GROW DEEP (BE ROOTED)

SESI 2 GROW UP

Subtle and Unintentional

Most mistakes in families are not made deliberately, but subtly and unintentionally.

Counter-Intuitive

Meeting emotional needs is not as easy and intuitive as meeting physical needs. For many, it is actually counter-intuitive…

Ignorance & Lack of Training

When children’s core emotional needs are not met, they are put in harm’s way. This is mostly as a result of:

a.Ignoranceb.Lack of training

Children areGOOD TAPE RECORDER

BUT

POOR INTERPRETER

Pemimpin dan Keluarganya

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Apakah yang anda lihat?

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Yang tidakkelihatan?

Jesus replied: “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.'

This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is

like it: 'Love your neighbor AS YOURSELF’” (Matthew 22:37-39)

Is it true?

WHAT IS OUR SELF IMAGE?

Your self image is the picture you have in your

mind of yourself.

Your self image is who you think you are.

Your idealized self is the person you think

you ought to be

Your self esteem is how you feel about

yourself

Do you like yourself? Or not?

WHERE DOES OUR SELF IMAGE COME

FROM?

Self ImageSelf Image

PeoplePeople

ImpactImpact Impact Impact + (Positive) + (Positive) - (Negative) - (Negative)* It’s not what people “SAY” but * It’s not what people “SAY” but

what you “ACCEPT” what they saywhat you “ACCEPT” what they say

Self Image / Self Belief

WHERE DOES OUR SELF IMAGE COME FROM? (1 Cor 13:9-12)

•Reflecting mirrors from moms and dads, brothers and sisters, playmates, cousins, relatives and friends•Reflecting mirrors from the culture and society that surround us (Romans 12:1-2) •Reflecting mirrors from our own expectations, proper or improper thinking, and proper evaluation ofthe people and events around us (Romans 12:3; Genesis 2:25, and 3:7) •Reflecting mirrors from Satan and his forces (John 8:44; 2 Corinthians 4:4; and Revelation 12:10) •Reflecting mirrors from the Lord God Who created us (Psalm 139:13-16)

Self Belief & Self Esteem Self Belief & Self Esteem CyclesCycles

Negative Self BeliefNegative Self Belief

Lower Lower NegativeNegativeSelf EsteemSelf Esteem

ExpectationsExpectations

Self Defeating BehaviorSelf Defeating Behavior

Self Belief & Self Esteem Self Belief & Self Esteem CyclesCycles

Positive Self BeliefPositive Self Belief

Increased Increased PositivePositiveSelf EsteemSelf Esteem ExpectationsExpectations

Confident BehaviorConfident Behavior

WHAT DOES A GOOD SELF IMAGE

LOOK LIKE?

A Person With A Good Self-Image:

...accepts himself/herself for what he/she is

...is willing to expose the innermost being of the heart without fear of criticism or rejection ...is confident in personal abilities ...relates well to people, share burdens and listen to others’ problems ...has a sense of belonging to others, to a group, or to society ...listens to complaints without going on the defensive ...is not seeking to super achieve in order to prove anything to anybody ... “I am what I am.” (1 Cor 15:10)

A Person With A Poor Self-Image:

...doesn't trust himself/herself and often doesn’t trust others either ...often questions his/her abilities and what others are saying about him/her ...is afraid to be open...has a fear of being known because he/she feels that if people see them as they really are, they’ll be rejected...often wears a mask in order to hide from self, others, and God ...works to prove worth ...has difficulty accepting compliments and criticism ...has an inability to distinguish 'no' from rejection...struggles to let go of a negative past

A POOR SELF IMAGE IS NOT JUST A SHAME, IT IS DEBILITATING

Low self-esteem paralyzes potential (Matthew 25:14-30)

Low self-esteem destroys dreams (Proverb 29:18; and Numbers 13:33)

Low self-esteem ruins relationships (Romans 12:3-5)

Low self-esteem sabotages Christian service (Exodus 3:11-4:17; and Romans 12:6-8)

N x N - N

SESI 3 GROW OUTWARD

Why do we behave the way we do?

We believe it is a combination of:1.Temperament2.Environment3.Core Needs Met(combined with God’s Grace!)

Temperamentis our inborn emotional makeup,

as in the way we are built to respond to events.

EnvironmentBirth order?Birthplace?Culture? Neighborhood? Type of school?

Parenting from the Bible

Paul admonished parents:Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord. (Ephesians 6:4)Fathers, do not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged. (Colossians 3:21)

Rudolf Dreikurs

“A misbehaving child is a discouraged child…In a thousand subtle ways, by tone of voice and by action, we indicate to the child that we consider him inept, unskilled and generally inferior.” (p. 36-37).

Ephesians 6:4

The first part is about what not to do, and the second part is about what to do.

Ephesians 6:4Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord. (NASB)And, ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath: but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord. (KJV)Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord. (NIV)

ektrephō

The Greek word, “bring” and “up” in Ephesians 6:4, and “nourishes” in Ephesians 5:29 (in NASB) is ἐκτρέφω or ektrephō (Strong’s 1625). It means:1) to nourish up to maturity, to nourish2) to nurture, bring up

This Same Word Is Also Found (Greek Concordance Of NASB) In

Ephesians 5:29“…for no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ also does the church.”

Ephesians 5:29

When we think of the way this passage is used in Ephesians 5, where Paul says we take care of and nourish our own body, we can conclude that this means we provide our body with what it needs, not with what it wants. These needs are not just our spiritual needs, but our physical and emotional needs as well.

Don’t Exasperate; Do Meet the Core Needs

These emotional and spiritual needs are what we call the Four plus One Core Emotional Needs.

Just as a plant needs water, air, sunlight and nutrients, children need these core emotional needs.

What Are the Core Emotional Needs?

What are “Core Emotional Needs” (CEN)?

Needs required in order to have healthy growth and not hurt others or self.

Should not give too much or too little; important to strike a balance.

The Four Plus One

Core Emotional Needs

1. Connection & Acceptance

2. Healthy Autonomy & Performance

3. Reasonable Limits

4. Realistic Expectations

Plus one: Spiritual Values & Community

Core Emotional Needs

FOUR Maladaptive Schema Domains

1. Connection & Acceptance

1. Disconnection & Rejection

2. Healthy Autonomy & Performance

2. Impaired Autonomy & Performance

3. Reasonable Limits 3. Impaired Limits4. Realistic

Expectations4. Exaggerated

ExpectationsPlus one: Spiritual

Values & Community

Rudolf Dreikurs

“A misbehaving child is a discouraged child…In a thousand subtle ways, by tone of voice and by action, we indicate to the child that we consider him inept, unskilled and generally inferior.” (p. 36-37).

David Elkind

“In effect, adolescents pay us back in the teen years for all the sins, real or imagined, that we have committed against them when they were children.”

CONNECTION AND ACCEPTANCE

HEALTHY AUTONOMY

REASONABLE LIMITS

REALISTIC EXPECTATIONS

SPIRITUAL VALUES AND COMMUNITY

When core emotional needs are not met, children feel exasperated and discouraged. Lifetraps (maladaptive schemas) develop, and coping styles become more pronounced.

What Happens When CEN Are Not Met?

Exasperation Interactions result in Frustration of Core Emotional Needs &

Trauma

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THE INFATUATION PHASE THE LOVE CONNECTION PHASE

THE MUTUAL AFFECTION PHASE THE DISINTEGRATION PHASE

Tingkatkan Tingkatkan hubungan hubungan yang kuat yang kuat dan terus dan terus menerus menerus dengan dengan

pasangan pasangan andaanda

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THE STORY OF US

Sibuk dengan hidup dan tidak memprioritaskan pernikahan membuat LOVE CONNECTION tidak terjadi…

LOVE CONNECTION

Supaya bisa mencapai tahap LOVE CONNECTION (hubungan yang sehat):

1.Menjadi TEMAN dan membangun KEPERCAYAAN satu sama lain

2. Mempunyai GAYA HIDUP (Lifestyle) yang memenuhi kebutuhan akan LOVE dan RESPECT terhadap satu sama lain

Istri membutuhkan Suami untuk…1) A Considerate Listener (Pendengar yang baik) 2) A Responsible Leader (Pemimpin yang bertanggung jawab)3) A Romantic Lover (Kekasih yang romantis)

Suami membutuhkan Istri untuk…1) Appreciate him (Menghargai) 2) Initiate and enter his world (Inisiatif) 3) Participate (Partisipasi)

Pemimpin dan Keluarganya

Efesus 5: 22-33“Hai suami, kasihilah istrimu, … Demikian juga suami harus mengasihi istrinya…dan istri hendaklah menghormati suaminya.

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Titus 2: 4-5“dan dengan demikian mendidik perempuan-perempuan muda mengasihi suami dan anak-anaknya, hidup bijaksana dan suci, rajin mengatur rumah tangganya, baik hati dan taat kepada suaminya, agar Firman Allah jangan dihujat orang”

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I Petrus 3: 7“Demikian juga kamu, hai suami-suami, hiduplah bijaksana dengan istrimu, sebagai kaum yang lebih lemah! Hormatilah mereka sebagai teman pewaris dari kasih karunia, yaitu kehidupan, supaya doamu jangan terhalang”

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Suami dan Istri butuh saling MENGASIHI DAN MENGHORMATI (walaupun paketnya berbeda)

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Pemimpin dan Keluarganya

Pemimpin dan Keluarganya

P WP W

Logika PerasaanMono StereoKurang peka Peka

Pemimpin dan Keluarganya

P WP W

Kesimpulan Detil(Curhat) (Curhat)Mau istri dengar saja Butuh respon Mobilitas tinggi Stabilitas

Pemimpin dan Keluarganya

Pola Berpikir/BekerjaPola Berpikir/BekerjaPP WW(Kotak)

SexSex(Kotak)anakanak

(Kotak)traveltravel

(Kotak)mertuamertua

(Kotak)kerjaankerjaan

(Kotak)mobilmobil

pelayanan

pelayanananakanak

mobilmobilmertua

mertua

traveltravel

tetanggatetangga

Pemimpin dan Keluarganya

Perbedaan P&WPerbedaan P&WTidak ada yang SALAH!Tidak ada yang SALAH!

Roma 15:7Sebab itu terimalah satu akan yang lain, Sebab itu terimalah satu akan yang lain,

sama seperti Kristus juga telah menerima kita, untuk kemuliaan Allah.sama seperti Kristus juga telah menerima kita, untuk kemuliaan Allah. Menerima ASLInya pasanganMenerima ASLInya pasanganJika memaksa pasangan berubahJika memaksa pasangan berubah

pasti akan susah harmonispasti akan susah harmonis

Guntingan kuku hilangIt is fun

Pemimpin dan Keluarganya

KomunikasiKomunikasi““Dengar” adalah langkah Dengar” adalah langkah

pertamapertamaDengarkan apa yang dimaksudDengarkan apa yang dimaksud

Mengkonfirmasikan apa yang dimaksudMengkonfirmasikan apa yang dimaksud

Hear -- Listen – UnderstandHear -- Listen – Understand Ungkapan dalam hatiUngkapan dalam hati

(berbeda dengan ucapan di mulut)(berbeda dengan ucapan di mulut)

DiolahDiolahAda suaraAda suara

VULNERABILITY

3. Ketika terjadi konflik, pilih untuk menjadi Vulnerable.

Vulnerability mengeluarkan “child side” anda:a. Ekspresikan kelemahan dan ketakutan andab. Ekspresikan yang anda butuhkan (needs)c. Ekspresikan perasaan secara hormat dan

meminta maaf

SESI 4 GROW ONWARD

(BE FAITHFUL & FRUITFUL)

•EBZAN•ELON•ABDON

HAKIM-HAKIM 12:8-15

Pada Zaman itu tidak ada raja di antara orang Israel; setiap orang berbuat apa yang benar menurut pandangannya sendiri

HAKIM-HAKIM 21:25

KRISIS KEPEMIMPINAN